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Oh Shit Son!

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Best Week Yet

This has ben a very eventful week, but thinking back on it. It's been the best week I've had since I've been here. Last night was the clencher. I had pretty much planned to go to Church with Ashley earlier in the week and I was really looking forward to it.

So after class I took a nap, got up showered and headed out to meet her. I wasn't sure how to dress. So I just threw on a button up shirt and blue jeans. Well I drove down to the Starbucks, because that's where we said we were going to meet up. When I got there I didn't even recognize her. She had straightened her hair.

We sat down, talked for a while. It felt like there hadn't been any time since the last time we met, even though its been eight months.

After that we made our way to the Church and it was very different. I liked it alot, there were so many people my age. And a lot of pretty girls [none as pretty as Ashley, but yeah]. There was a live band and they played a few songs, but not the usual boring stuff, this was actually good. Then there was large discussion on the beattitudes. All and all, I loved it.

After that I went out with some of Ashley's friends and we just had dinner and hung out. I actually made new friends [wow!]. One of them even draws and colors, so I might have my comic book colorer, I'm so happy about that.

I went to a Hookah bar with them and a place called Alamo Cafe it was good, except for the bad service. Through out the night though something seemed really odd to me, I think I'm seeing why I had a crush on Ashley before. That's strange, but I didn't think it would go anywhere then. I think that now for the simple fact that she is moving back to Colorado at the start of September to attend this Christian school in the mountains.

Well that's pretty much all there is to say, I'll be around later. The weathers getting bad and I need to go get my car fixed. So bye.

No Rest for the Weary

I would write some long winded article abvout my day, but I have been up for 36 hours straight. And I have stuff to do later today, like for starters I need to go to class and try to get what I can into my thick head.

Second off I have a little outting to go on with Ashley. I can't wait, I haven't seen the girl since December. She was one of the sweetest people I knew around here, just generally nice to everyone and everything. Had a good head on her shoulders too.

Later she and I go for coffee, maybe I'll get a few pictures of the two of us hanging out.

What's Wrong With Me

Why do I feel like everyone else in the world has someone but me? Why do I have to be this way?

All Nighter

Thanks for the comment on the new look Twinks, I wasn't sure if I should keep it or not, but then I relaized that I really liked it a lot and it had grown on me. It's the same template, the one that Emily made over at atropine design, but I changed the color scheme.

Today was a very interesting day, probably the most social I've been since I've been here. I woke up extra late. Around three in the afternoon. So I figured that this was going to be another one of those really bad days for me. I got on here, watched a little Angel and then Brandon, my old roommate called up and decided asked if he could stop by. I told him sure. He came in and I talked to him for a little while.

It was all about old times and such, and for the first time in a while things felt like first semester of last year again. Things felt almost normal.

After a while of that, we went down to Nicole's place, Brenton was there. He had just come up for the weekend and a few days of the week. She was at work, so we went out to Sonic and hung out there for a while. Had some food and drinks. It was nice to hang out with people again.

But things don't end there, Brenton had to go at ten, and Brandon and I sat around here until about two in the morning. It was then that we decided to go to the only twenty-four hour Starbucks in the city. We hung out there with these two other people, a guy and a girl. I haven't actually met new people here, until last night that is.

I even got their numbers and they invited me back to hang out sometime, when all of their other friends are out. I can't say much about them, they were fun but that's as far as I'll go with first impressions.

I will say this its nice to know someone in town. As for why I am posting this at seven in the morning, well I pulled and all nighter, I just got back from the coffee shop a while ago. I need to stay up to go to class and get my car fix. Maybe I'll wash clothes tonight. But yeah nothing all that exciting. I better get going.

A Place Where Three or More Gather...

I have this strong need to write something right now, but no idea what I am going to write. I've been trying to get into a mode where I can think more properly, I just need to find other writers like myself that I can sit and talk to. But where do writers cogrigate? I mean nerds have their comic book conventions, Harry Potter book sellings, clubs; gamers have E3 and the videogame stores and arcades.

You'd be hard pressed to find a writing club somewhere in the city of San Antonio, maybe I should just start doing like that guy from Fight Club and going to random help groups. If only I was that good of an actor.

Last night I went out to the Wal-Mart right up the street and just kind of wandered around the store for a while. I came across the Straylight Run CD, it was $9.72 and there's 11 tracks on the damn thing. I figure, If I were to buy this over iTunes I would pay .99 cents a track and still have to burn the entire CD to a blank disk...so why not get it like this. I am infinetly glad I did, this has got to be one of the best albums I've heard in a while.

I just wish they used the female vocalist more often, she's got a great voice. I can't help but wonder if she's the same girl that sings so often on the first Taking Back Sunday, I think I might go find that out right now. Well not right now, but when I'm done with this.

If anyone likes bands like Jimmy Eat World, Brand New or any others like that, this would be a good CD to buy! I think I'm going to head off for the night.

This will be my 280th post, after this just 20 more till 300!

A Few Good Blogs

If anyone hasn't seen, Maddox said some unfavorable things about blogs and bloggers in general I don't know, I seem to think that this is the same idea that many people who get about others that have blogs and xangas and the like. I've seen bad blogs, I know several good blogs. I've seen bad xangas and live journals; but there are also good ones too.

So I was wondering if anyone had seen this already? I'll have a more in depth discussion on this later.

Up Coming...

Well it looks like this is going to be a busy week, I'm actually going somewhere with a friend. I haven't seen her since she left for Colorado back in December. When she got back we never seemed to be able to get our schedules to sync up.

She was just another one of those people who got the impression from me that I was confident and outgoing, I must give that off in some way. But yeah we're going to be going to get coffee and go to her Church. I'm really looking forward to having someone to hang out with, even if she will be moving back to Houston for school. You may have seen me mention her once or twice, goes by Ambrosia on here.

Tomorrow I think I'll go to the book store and library and do some good old story research. I think it would be more fun to do real research as opposed to running a google search, and I plan on finding the FBI building around here (there's no Field Office, but there has to be something) and asking them about policies and the like. I've always wanted to do that, have a real life consultant.

With a consultant you get the emotions and stuff down, where as with books and the internet you just have written words, usually second hand material. I find that I think better in places like the bookstore or the coffee shop at the bookstore. I was actually thinking of heading over to the 24 Hour Starbucks at the mall and just hanging out there for a little while. I might try that out tomorrow night though, it should be cooler out then with less misquitos.

Today was one of those days where I just didn't want to get out of bed, I'm reminded of the way Kay calls my sleep patterns odd. I guess I have proof now, I went to bed at about 5:30 AM and woke up around 3:00 PM, that's a long ass time for a leisurley nap or a good night's sleep.

But I guess that assures I will be up bright and early tomorrow to start some more story editing and then get out of here before it gets too late. I want to try and have some more fun tomorrow. I can only sit around here like this so many days out of the week. I guess I did get out a lot yesterday, two bookstores, a coffee shop, I went to Nicoles and hung out for a while...so that's something.

So I'm going to go, expect pictures later this week, not of the crude kind...see you around.

The Sex Map

I actually came across this on YTMND.com, when I did a little research I found out that this was actually real and that this had been done. It's kind of frightening and amazing. I know how people sleeping together goes in high school, while I was never a part of that directly I have seen it played out. The below is an article the actual article:

Sex Map Shows Chain of Almost 300 High School Lovers

January 28, 2005

Sociologists at Ohio State University have created the first "map" of teen sexual behavior, outlining a sexual network of 288 one-to-one sexual relationships among high-school students. While the teen at the end of the chain may have had contact with only one person, he or she had indirect contact with 286 others. Even so, despite reputations and popularity, most of the teens were not promiscuous with many others.

"They might know that their partner has a previous partner. But they don't think about the fact that this partner had a previous partner, who had a partner, and so on," said James Moody, the sociologist who led the study. That suggests that youths need a different approach to sexual education and especially STD prevention, said Moody and colleagues.

The study was conducted at a high school in a mid-size town in the US Midwest; the exact location was not disclosed. The team found that just over half the students surveyed had ever had sexual intercourse -- about the same as the average rate for US teens.

"All the evidence from this network suggests that the kids were very aware of the local pattern and local history of sexual activity," said Moody. "They know they are not going to date their ex-boyfriend's girlfriend's partner. That's too close." "It forces people to find new partners instead of recycling," he said, akin to an incest taboo and very different from adult sexual behavior.

While adult-directed STD prevention campaigns target highly active people, the network model suggests that outreach among students must target each and every one.

"The students in this network are not unusual," said Moody. "They are just average students, and not extremely active sexually. So social policies that could help some of them protect themselves from STDs could break a lot of these chains that can lead to the spread of disease." "Anything that limits that and restricts the flow of fluids between people would help," he said, including education about condom use, abstinence and other policies.

In their study, Moody and colleagues used data from the 1995 National Longitudinal Study of Adolescent Health. The team said the study was representative of mid-sized towns, but that urban high school behavior would probably be different. The full study, "Chains of Affection: The Structure of Adolescent Romantic and Sexual Networks," was published in the American Journal of Sociology (2004;110(1):44-91).

Now I also pulled this picture off the internet, this is the actual diagram, as pointed out in the YTMND joke, one male did sleep with another. Get over it.

I find all of this to be strange and yet very interesting. I've never seen a study like this although I've been told they happen pretty often and that this pattern is common. The circle in the middle is the pattern to which I am referring.

Pen Pal

Okay, so I was able to do it, I went out and got this girl's contact information. But it wasn't as easy as it should have been. Oh well, I got it done so its done. I sat outside and in the cafe at the bookstore for a while today and I talked to some different people. I like being at that place, its nice.

I had a chance to read up on some stuff about writing and this one book, entitled Robert's Rules For Writing says you shouldn't keep a journal because you're not exercising a creative muscle, you're just wasting space. I don't believe that, I like doing this and I'm going to keep on doing it.

One thing that I saw in one book was that a writer should find a pen pal because then you are writing someting that matters to you down for a very limited audience, it helps you adjust your style for the rest of the world to see. I know I'm not ready for publication in anything major, most writers aren't. So I'll take the smallest audience I can just for right now.

So now I need to find one.

New Drink

Mmmm, salty.

I know its spelled wrong, sue me.

Tomorrow

I guess this would be my real entry for the day, the other one was just fluff. I learned a lot tonight and I guess that's something really good. I seem to have a lot of flaws that I need to work on. One of them I've noticed before and just don't know what to do about it.

Earlier today I told a friend I was ready to just give up on meeting new people because none of them seemed to want to make new friends or get to know anyone new. I even went as far as to say that everyone just was too busy to have a new friend in their life. It was then I realized something, I realized why its so hard to make new friends. When you're in school you all have something in common. You all go to the same place everyday and do the same stuff. You even get grouped together with like people part of the time.

Things get hard when you split off and have to deal with people not like yourself who have had different life experinces and go through different things from day to day. Now I see that many of the problems I have stem from lack of independace. I can't even write when I don't have people around to watch and observe. I depend on my friends too much. So I need to get off of that. I need to find outlets that don't include my friends all of the time and do something for myself.

Now that I'm left to fend for myself, I keep looking to my old sources of comfort and they aren't near by. I keep waiting for a friend to come along and make me feel better and its not going to happen. It doesn't do me any good if it does happen because I need to learn how to do things for myself.

I even seem to have a problem standing up for myself, but I think that really applies to mostly girls. Guys can't get away with too much from me because when your a guy I generally start off not liking you. When I'm out in public and I've gotten too down on myself, I ignore the people who seem to want to be friends and stuff.

There was this girl at the bookstore the other day, I think that she really might have wanted to talk to me. For what I don't know but it was something. She did mention that she goes to school here and that's something I guess we have in common and can talk about. So I'm going to go out tomorrow and try to meet someone that I can talk to and hang out with. I can't stay around here bored all of the time and I need new friends for this upcoming school year.

EDIT: Look I didn't even use any other HTML except for the paragraph things.

Tsukiyabure tobira no mukou he

I talked to Spike a day or so ago, my perception of time is really messed up right now because I have been sleeping at odd hours. But that doesn't matter in this case. I talked to him about it, he has spent four years trying to get her to come around; it even took him nine months to kiss her. That's real dedication, but now four years later things are over.

Really over, after a difficult couple of months and him telling her that he wanted to wait until she matured some she finally snapped and called him mean things. She just said generally harmful things about him. When she called back the next day and apologized he told her he didn't accept it and that he'd had enough of it.

I don't think I've ever not accepted an apology. I mean I don't think I could say that kind of thing and not mean it as a joke. But he doesn't really want to be her friend anymore and that's huge.

I can't think of a time when I just had to dump off a good friend under bad terms, I have lost some just because of distance and circumstance, but never just because of an argument. This girl needs to work on her lower level people skills. But then again I can't say that I could ever turn my back on someone that I've known like that. No matter how much they hurt me I can't just let someone stand by and let them self get hurt. I just like to help people out, even when I can't really comprehend their problems on a level of having been there.

I talked to a girl today who was really nice, but about mid-way through our conversation she just told me that she was a Bad Girl. Now from what I had seen she was a normal teenage girl but when I asked her why and she explained it was nothing that I hadn't heard before. Nothing spectacular or terribly wrong. Talking to her I learned a lot, some of it more than I ever wanted to know. Even then I needed to know it, I needed to hear the things that she had to say.

I told her that she wasn't a bad girl and that I had learned a while back that most of the time what we may think is the worst thing in the world, the worst thing we could ever possibly do, isn't as bad as we think. There is always someone willing to accept you however you are. I learned that in dealing with a special someone. I pretty much thought I was unacceptable.

But to move on one of the things she told me was something about her ex—boyfriend, apparently he wanted to impress her so he took up Alchemy. Not like the stuff off the cartoon, I mean real potions and turning lead into gold type stuff. She told me that he did something to the dog to make it go crazy and this dog attacked her and her brothers and sisters. What was scarier still is that she got a scar on her hand and to this day it starts bleeding sometimes for no reason.

It really creeped me out, I didn't even know anything about the practices of alchemy still being around. This is just crazy to me. But I have really gotten off subject. The real message here is that Through anything, try and be there for someone, you might be their last hope. And the second and more important one is No matter how dirty, wrong, bad or terrible you think you are, there is always someone out there who is willing to try and help you up, I once told someone that no matter I would be there to pick them up when they fall.

Whenever a wall comes up in life, you have to remember that no one puts up a wall without building a door. Find that door and move across it. You've got a good pair of legs, stand up and walk forward on them, if you fall I'll be there to pick you up.

Tsukiyabure tobira no mukou he.

Enclosed Space

I got bored out of my mind in class today so now I figure that I best go back to bed. I've got nothing else to do. There's nothing better to do right now. I managed to talk to the Professor today and tell him how I got into the class late and the bookstore was out of books for our class, I'm glad he was sympathetic.

Truth is, I didn't feel like going to class today. I hate going out of the dorm now and I know that's not a good thing. But I feel much better when I'm just inside of this little enclosed space. I don't know what that means, but I'm going to try and honor it.

I'll be around later.

Some Kind of Heterogeneous Mixture

I'm so bored around here, I just wish school would start back up so I could have something to do or someone to talk with. As of right now I'm still looking for a job, since the first time I mentioned I was really getting back to it was yesterday.

Some things came up in my mind last night making it almost impossible for me to sleep. I started to try and call someone and then I realized it was almost 4 AM and that would be dumb because no one is going to pick up a phone like that and not be mad about it.

So when my mind finally calmed down a bit I started to think about the discussions I had over the weekend. I really didn't want to have them. They were about religion and I really don't like having to argue about it. There have been times when I have been known to discuss it but that's only when it suits me and when I can just say my piece and stop.

Over the weekend the two main arguments that occurred were whether or not Jesus was God and Whether or not there was a Hell. Now these two arguments didn't last very long. But the first was basically centered around the Holy Trinity and how if you believed in it you were in direct violation of the first commandment. This was the first time that I had ever heard this, but I even with the book I was showed on the subject I don't believe it.

In regard to the second subject it was brought up as we watched the movie Constantine, it just came out on DVD. They started a scene where they showed Hell and my friend just blurts out how he doesn't believe in Hell. Well that would be all fine and good coming from someone who never had claimed to be Christian, but it just seems kind of wrong to picking and choosing what you want out of something. Especially when you said you believed whatever was in it just before that.

I can have arguments about religion, but these just didn't make much sense to me in the way they were being argued. So I tried not to dwell on it or make it a big deal. I just let it go, so whatever.

Well I better go, I'm getting frustrated and bored. Gonna go call Allie.

Edit: So that didn't work and something's really wrong with someone I care about and I don't know what. I hate being so far from everyone I care about!

The Businessman

For those who don't know my friend Spike was making a movie called the Businessman, its about to come out now. And they have a site up. Get over there and check it out!

The Businessman

The Search For More Money...

Tomorrow begins another search for a job. Now that I'm back on my own and stuff I can definately get out and find something. I'm really going to need the extra money. Living here is getting more and more expensive and my parents don't like giving me enough to get by. I mean just the drive home and back next weekend will end up costing me like 60 dollars worth of gas.

And all I can say that's good about this is, 'glad I don't live on the west coast'. I can tell right now that I'll be getting a solid nights sleep for the first time in a while tonight. I might even be in bed before 3 AM.

I thought about writing comissions for a living but I think I might be better off with steady work until school begins again. I need money to save up in case of a rainy day or a special one. I thing I might make it too class way before time tomorrow, we'll just have to see. Art History was not a good class to start late, or have to play catch up in. It relaly blows, but I have to do it so I will. And I'll work as hard at it as I have it in myself to do.

Going to go find something to do. Until later.

Nothing To Say

Today was probably the first time since I've gotten here that I've been out and about in town for any real amount of time. Kay you would hav been so proud of me, its not often that I do stuff for myself and take time to just spend a bit of money on myself. But I think I did a good job of it today.

I am starting to see more and more that I need to get myself a job, because well, things cost money and I'd like to have al ittle extra cash so I could treat the people I care for. I was looking around today and I think I saw some places I might just try and apply. I'm not going to name any names, but I justh ave a good idea.

Funny thing, I am getting more and more used to writing this in HTML, now and more and more used to this template. I liked it when I first got it from Emily, but now its grown on me to the point that I'm going to start using more and more of the things she wrote into it.

I managed to get more writing done, now all I have to do is work on my drawing some more. And I have to come up with gift ideas for a very special lady...any ideas.

The Final Distance

This is a beautiful song by Utada Hikaru, of whom I've spoken before, well its orignally in Japanese but I just found out what the English would mean. I always thought it was good and somber, but I had no idea to what extent.

I'm anxious but I can't say anything




I'm tired of swimming, even you've become silent




I want to see you, but an invisible wave pushes us




Again, just a little more distance







Try not to stop keep it going baby




If you don't feel the same then tell me




Even if your principle is to not try




It's alright to try a little







I want to be with you now




Let's shorten the distance with the two of us




We can still make it on time




We can start over




We can't be as one







I want to be with you




Someday even this distance




We'll be able to embrace




We can start sooner




After all I want to be with you







You, who gets hurt with a single word




Taught me what loneliness is







When you can't protect me keep on trying baby




It's not as I promised but trust me




My principle is to not try but




I would do it for you







I want to be with you now




Look at our distance with the two of us




We can still make it




We can start over




I want to tell you with words







I want to be with you now




One day, even the distance




I'll be able to embrace




We should stay together




After all, I need to be with you

Three Months

What do you do when everything you've dreamed about just seems to drop into your lap. I just don't know what to say. Or what to do for that matter. Three months. Maybe this is a reward for all of the bad shit that happened last year. Maybe things are starting to look up. I don't even know how to react to good news, I don't know how to react to her or even a girl liking me for that matter, its unheard of.

I don't know how to get my hopes up anymore.

ps: As of yesterday I posted my two hundred sixty-fifth entry, that's just one hundred short of a year. Wow I stuck to this for a long time.

Absolute-Terror Field

We all have at least one friend that puts up an emotional and mental wall to keep other's out, right? Wrong, everyone that we know does this in one way or another, you do it, I do it and the only thing that differs is the height, thickness and strength of the wall itself. Recognizing our own walls and knowing when they are in affect is the true test of knowing oneself.

Some of you may have heard me mention this term before, because it has come up a lot in the past six months a lot. But I think the only way to describe this wall is with the term Absolute Terror Field, AT-Field. I get this term from a television show and all it meant in there, as one of the characters described it is ...the Light of my soul, a scared territory in which no one may intrude...aren't you [Lillum] even aware that your AT-Field is merely a wall that encloses every mind that exists?.

Of course the fields in the show could lift someone up, destroy buildings and the such, our minds walls can't do stuff like that, at least not that we know of. But they can do a very good job at keeping others out, keeping someone from getting close to us. It's the whole Hedgehog Dilemma thing all over again. The basic idea of the hedgehog dilemma is the idea that people will avoid getting close to others, because when you get close to someone you basically decided to leave yourself open to get hurt.

If you shut others out, if you raise that At-Field to maximum, if you put that wall up as high and as strong as it will go you can avoid getting hurt almost nine times out of ten. But when things are over will you really have lived life. It will just seem like you lived a lone, and which one really is worst? Taking the good with the bad? Or living alone inside your own bubble?

I wonder about this myself often, its hard to answer. But I come to the same conclusion everytime—I don't want to be alone.

For those who don't know, Lillum is a word for humans taken from old Hebrew Myth, Lilith was the first wife of Adam who refused to sleep with him and struck off into the world to do things her own way. There are many conflicting myth about her after that, some say she slept with demons and man-like creatures to have her own children, others say she just had kids asexually, then still others say that is the mother of vampires. The middle train of thought is the most accepted and this is where people not of Adam's line come from in the Bible. They mixed with Adam's children and people would in fact be a mixture of the two lines.

Moral Issues

It's been a while since there has been a topic that was worth us talking about between blogs and I only wish that Twinks had been here to go on this with us. But Autumn put up some stuff about different moral issues. I was glad to have something to talk about again!

I'm going to go category by category.

Abortion Because this is a free country and people should have freedom I think that there should not be a law telling people what they can and can't do in this case. But I do,in my own person opinion, not like abortion. I think that its a horrible way to do something that could be done in other ways. You could just give the kid up for adoption. If you didn't want a kid then you should have never been having sex. And the only exception to this rule is rape, in that case its up to the woman.

Although in cases of rape sometimes a woman's body can actually protect her from getting pregnany with a spermacide, but its not sure fire in anyway.

Death PenaltyNow I know people think that it sounds hypocritcal to agree with this and not with Abortion. But I just believe in giving someone a chance to do some wrong before you off them. If I had my way I would want every rapist, child molester and most of the murders killed. I think that its a waste of time to keep them around to rot away in prison. If you don't kill them start some type of program where they become the army and have them do some good. But letting them sit in a cell all day is retarded!

Premarital Sex I don't see much problem with it, so long as it doesn't take over your life or cause you to get pregnant, which would just create some new issues for the people involved. I mean some people are really good at never having human contact. Like I know some people who have never kissed until they got to the altar. That's all magical and stuff, but for most of us, for the rest of us we're going to do stuff. It's all forgivable.

Alternative Lifestyles I don't hate gays, there's not a reason to. They are people just like us. Even in the Bible, I think Jesus said hate the sin, never the sinner. That goes for stuff across the board. Never hate the person, just the action. And I know that's hard to do. I hate child molesters. But that's something bad. Homosexuality is up for grabs whether its bad or good. I have gay friends. I don't judge them or doubt their love for the same sex as being a real valid thing. Let the get married, they have a right to be as miserable as 60% of the married people out there. And if they happen to have one of the four in ten marriages that work out, more power to them.

Religous Freedom I believe in freedom of choice of religions, but that doesn't mean you believe in those other religions. People need to realize there's a big difference.

Pornography I said a long while back that I don't look at porn and its just not for me. But I don't think that I have the right to boss everyone else aroud, its personal opinion. However, I do have to say that people's view of sex is warped. There is some sick stuff going on. This guy I talk to sometimes told me about this site, where they have all these videos of women blowing guys and the guys will try to make her gag until she throws up. Of course only the ones with vomit in them make the cut. But apparently people request this? I think its the sickest thing I've heard in a while. Hey what freaky new bodily fluid can we use? Why would you ever do that to someone you cared about?

And if that's not a sign that people have a warped view of sex then some of the stuff going on in the fan fiction market should be sign enough. People started writing stories about a male 'protagonist' raping a female enemy as punishment, as opposed to fighting her. Their excuse rape is not a violent crime, but beating someone is wrong. What the hell is that supposed to mean. Rape should never be used as a punishment. And to make matters worst this is apparently a rising trend in fan fiction. It gives the stories shock value. But I just find it sick.

No one's worried about good writing anymore. A few years back fan fiction.net allowed stories with explicit sex in them. But it was clogging up the bandwidth and causing complaints. Apparently 13 year old kids were writing most of them hoping that the NC-17 rated story would get them attention. One story featuered two nine year old's having sex. A lot of the stories were just giant orgies and so on.

I think a lot of the new stuff in porn is shock value. I don't see any other reason for it.

I guess that's all I really have anything to say on. If you want more opinions and articles and stuff, go look at Autumn's site.

Uneventful

I have to get my once a day in here, you know how it goes. There's not really much to talk about today, no real developments in my life around here. All that I can say that's anything special is I've been working on two new stories, One of them was one of the things we call the dreaded fan fiction. But don't worry it won't read like the usually things you run across on fan fiction.net.

I am oging to have to try and come up with 300 hundred dollars that I owe my dad for going over on the phone bill. I mean it'll be easy to work that off sometime. I hope he still will own up to his promise about the 300 at Christmas time. From now on I will be making use of the dorm phone.

In other happenings, I watched The Transporter today. It's one of the most badass movies I've seen on DVD in a while. I love it. Apparently the second part of it comes out in September. I will be ready to see that the night it comes out. Spike was telling me to check out the trailer so I did. It was bad ass. If you have Quicktime, look at the trailer here.

Well I have to head to bed, I have class at noon tomorrow and I'd like to be up a little earlier than that in case that special someone calls. If you want to call use the numer (210) 858-3572, I can call you right back, its free for me to use the dorm phone nationwide. Talk to you all later.

Tom Cruise Rant

I have a new class tomorrow and I've been reading and writing more, I know its kind of odd to hear that kind of thing from me. It seems like lately my creativity has kind of faultered. It's slowly ebbing back so I think I might be able to complete a long story pretty soon now. I really hope I can be over this writers block like thing.

I've started doing fan fiction again, if you don't know what that is its when you write stories about existing books, tv shows, video games or people. Basically anyhting you can be a fan of can have fan fiction.

Way back when I wrote it there were serious writers doing the stuff, I don't know if I want to get back in there and throw much stuff on the internet for all to see, but I might slap a piece or two up here from time to time, just to get a little feedback.

Did anyone here this stuff about Tom Cruise going around and telling the press that it was unwise for Brooke Sheilds to take medicine for her Post pardum depression? He even said that there's no such thing as a chemical imbalance. What kind of crap is that? Has the guy ever heard of Andrea Yates? I mean I know that depression is real and its not going to go away by you just sitting on your hands.

I know the guy is a good actor and all, but he has really gone off the deep end as far as his ethics and morals go. Well that's all really, I better get back to writing.

A Blur of A Day

There are some things I would like to do, especially to make someone I really care about feel better, but right now I'm incapable. I've gotten better since I last wrote in this thing, I couldnt' even walk really last time I sat down and typed out my thoughts here.

I know that this may sound crazy, but after I got off here and got in bed I thought I might die for a while, I ran a fever and everything. Now its like it never happened, I don't know what that was, it was a really scary thing. But I'm over it now so I guess on with life.

Right now I've started writing another little short piece, this one is personal and not going to be posted on the net. I just think its better kept from all eyes, but if you request I just might let it go. There's no sex or anything, nothing bad of any kind. So its not being excluded for anything like that.

The Minstrel came down to see me today, we hung out and actually had some fun so everything's cool. I feel like I'm ready to face another week of lonliness, and maybe Allison will be here to see me soon, it'll be nice to have a girl to talk to and hang out with, especially one who's my exact duplicate...only prettier.

I actually have new pictures of Allison, she looks so pretty in them. I like her new hair, just to keep my almost unending string of pictures, I'll slap one up. But I have to head off to finish writing some so I can get to bed.

Alli's on the far right, isn't she cute?

EDITED: Did anyone notice I changed the header quote, it used to be a line from the Taking Back Sunday song One—Eighty By Summer and not its one of my favorite lines from Evangelion...I really abuse my ability to change that whenever I want. Oh well.

Throbbing

I was going to wr ite about an article I had found on the internet a few days back, but I woke up with a fever, my head is pounding and it's like I can hear it. I can hear my head ache, I know that can't be good and I don't know what could havew caused this. Its not like it matters, nothing ever seems to go good for long around here.

I had all fo these ideas for what I wanted to write when I got when I got back here and they were pretty good for the most part, but their gone now. I can barely look at the screen without feeling hurt and I wish I could just stop getting sick for no damn reason, I didn't even let it get cold in here and its like, now I get sick from nothing.

I'm just going to climb back in bed and be in pain to I fall asleep. Another thing happened to me, I mentioned it to Emily the last time we talked. A months back she spoke of this spark she sometimes sees when she falls alseep. Its not really a spark, its like a gigantic flash of light you see feel and here, its obvious to me that is all in my mind. Some kind of electric discharge or something, but it hurts and it's happened three times in two days.

I wish just for once people would stick to what they say they're going to do, no one who say's they're going to call me back ever do with the exception of like one person. I just want someone to hang out with, its boring here along and talking on the phone just isn't enough. Well I'm going to get back in bed, I can't take this throbbing much longer.

A Finished Work

Well here is the exact same picture that was below, but smaller and finsihed, I don't think I'm going to clean this up anymore. This is a dry run just seeing what the prgoram can do without someone inking lines in. It looks very promising.

I also redid this picture of Marisa that I posted a while back. I know now that Photoshop get's its ass kicked three ways from Tuesday by this program. It's so hardcore that if it were a Linkin Park song the angst meter would be pushed to full. Here it is:

The next thing is one of the comics I plan on coloring, some of you may have seen it before, it comes from back when I was doing stuff with 8.106, this was the first appearence of Allison in the comic too. She's pictured to the far right in the drawing posted at the very top.

I haven't decided what to call the comic, I might even pick The Regulars back up. But for right now the working title is Write to Game. Well tell me if you like what you see.

Comic Relief and An Empty Threat

This picture is another concept art from the comic I have been working on, I am trying to decide on styles and outfits, I really want to go with a Simpson-esque approach to things, their clothes will only change when the situation permits it. That having been said I want them in clothes that will look right in all but the following situations:

—Sleeping




—Cold Weather




—Swimming




—Formal Occasions

With all of this I just have a few more things to do, characters added since the last comic, there is a Spike character, as well as a Kay character, and for comic relief there's a ninja named Shinobi...yes I know, comic relief characters are kind of tired but I will use him sparingly.My previous comics were Kind of A Lot of Komix (1996-2000), Battle of the Bands (2000-2002), Girl Next Door (2001), The Regulars (2001-2004), 8.106 (2004), yeah I've been at this for a while, over 50 books, and probably a couple dozen strips.

Oh and one more thing, next guy who tells me its gay to never draw guys is going to get sodomized with a pipe.

Here they are, in all their half colored glory.

¿Can You Keep A Secert?

Can you keep a secret? I sat there for hours yesterday wondering and pondering about what happened to me. I just can't believe it, its almost to simple and obvious to even believe. I want to say that there's a lie in the middle of almost everything any of us believe, but I know this is something that isn't really a lie or truth yet.

Can you keep a secret? It's intangible, it hasn't been defined as such and I hope that it doesn't gain definition for a while. I keep thinking, Things never go well when this happens...Don't even think this. It's a thought that frightens me, that keeps me up long after the phone is safely in its bassinet and the computer screen shows the dancing windows symbol.

Can you keep a secret? Even now I can tell you that its hard to think of anything good that I can make come of this. I ruin everything. It was just how I worked, how things happened with me. I've learned to cope with this now. And yet I don't want to stop trying.

Can you keep a secret? its right here in front of your eyes, its staring you in the face and you probably haven't got the heart to say it, I know I don't dammit and that's what makes everything so hard. That's why I've been worried sick lately. It won't be like the last time, I say, and somehow its hard for me to say anything at all.

Can you keep a secret? Confusion and panic are ramped and all I can think its How sad. Yet again I've become what I swore never to be last time. Its everywhere, I'm imbued in it and I can't seem to get its scent off me. You're all smart, you can figure it out. It won't take you long, it won't even take the duration of this post.

But, can you keep a secret?

I can.

In Your Thoughts

Do you know how it feels like for someone else to have you in their thoughts, its a very...nice feeling. I really like it. Tonight I think, I think I might actually keep this little thing short. I've been feeling sick the past few days and I just need to rest and reflect.

Posessed by Monkies...

Fuckin Posessed by Monkies...

Spike said this last night, and I deemed it the greatest line ever...

Commentary

Too many gender issues going on the last few weeks, but I think that's out of my system for right now. It's been different, lately there's been less going on here. Less and less, everything around here has been slowing down and I am eagerly awaiting the end of summer so that I have company. The other night I hung out with some people that I knew from last semester.

So I'm refreshed and I can get back to what I normally do, right about now I have another issue that I want to discuss. It's been an eventuful last few days, a lot is going on and I have a lot to work through. It would appear that after the events of last semester I'm a little bit more off balance that I first thought.

But I'm not hear to talk about that right now, I'll have to do that later. Right now I think its safe to say that everyone on the internet for any amount of time that's not got a real life and has used the word 1337 has heard of Maddox, the man who owns what some call The Best Page in The Universe.

Over the last few years he has gained a fanbase that is probably somewhere in the millions and with good reason, I mean the stuff he writes is gold. I'm not going to try and diss Maddox, after http://maddox.xmission.com/ is right there in my bookmark folder like I'm sure it is in most of yours.

What I have come to talk about is the internet as a source of media in general, Maddox and many others have become commentators, both anonoyms and well known. When you have seven or eight news stations, an thousands of newspapers doing this every day, but now with the internet around there are millions of comments made a second, as mentioned in Metal Gear Solid:

We've always kept records of our lives. Through words, pictures, symbols... from tablets to books...But not all the information was inherited by later generations. A small percentage of the whole was selected and processed, then passed on. Not unlike genes, really. But in the current, digitized world, trivial information is accumulating every second, preserved in all its triteness. Never fading, always accessible.Rumors about petty issues, misinterpretations, slander...All this junk data preserved in an unfiltered state, growing at an alarming rate.

Anything posted on the internet has the possible to be around as long as there is something to hold onto it in cyberspace, in essecence bulletin boards, fan sites...even this blog will one day be trivial information that will just be hung there in cyber space with no real right to be there except that it justifies an existence that once was.

The digital society furthers human flaws and selectively rewards the development of convenient half-truths. Just look at the strange juxtapositions of morality around you.Billions spent on new weapons in order to humanely murder other humans.Rights of criminals are given more respect than the privacy of their victims.Although there are people suffering in poverty, huge donations are made to protect endangered species. Everyone grows up being told the same thing.

Be nice to other people.





But beat out the competition!





You're special.





Believe in yourself and you will succeed.

But it's obvious from the start that only a few can succeed...You exercise your right to freedom and this is the result. All rhetoric to avoid conflict and protect each other from hurt. Theuntested truths spun by different interests continue to churn andaccumulate in the sandbox of political correctness and value systems.Everyone withdraws into their own small gated community, afraid of a larger forum. They stay inside their little ponds, leaking whatever truth suits them into the growing cesspool of society at large.The different cardinal truths neither clash nor mesh. No one is invalidated, but nobody is right.Not even natural selection can take place here. The world is being engulfed in truth. And this is the way the world ends. Not with a bang, but a whimper.

While I'm not as negative as the above passages, I can say that there is something to them that we should all pay close attention to. This world is changing and has become a lot softer than it used to be some years back. I'm not saying its all bad, a lot of things that are good have happened: rights for minorities, gays, women, and other things like that. But look at the degradation of family, the violence in schools and decline of support for the nation as a whole.

Things that go on around us should make us all aware that people will tell you the good things and hope that you figure out the bad in time. I don't know what you all think, but I think sometimes people unintentionally set us up for failure.

What do you think? There will be more discussion on this later.

Epic Wang.

WTS [WANG]x1 PST

If you can read this you are a super geek.

Pretty, Petite Paradox...

It seems to be a growing trend that the prettiest girls around have no idea of it. I know so many girls who just don't realize how good looking they are. I even know some who pretend they don't know how good looking they are only to be stuck up in the end, but that's something for a different day.

I talk to girls all of the time that are for whatever reason ignored by guys around them when they look really good. I had a conversation with one such a girl just the other day who told me that she didn't have many guys tell her she was beautiful when it's obvious that she is and that there's no way to look at her and doubt that.

I don't know what the problem is, whether its the guys or the girls just don't notice how good they look. The way things are right now I wish I could go out into the city and conduct a survey like the one I did with Kay a few weeks back. Many of you voted in that little experiment and I thank you for that. But the numbers are still too low to prove any point like what I want to.

People might think that this is just me trying to say something, but it can be a dangerous thing when people don't find themselves attractive. I had a friend in high school who shall remain nameless who was about five feet four and weighed just over one hundred pounds, she was a cheerleader and made homecoming court, and had a boyfriend who was an athlete...this girl admitted to having bulimia.

Something is seriously wrong when things like that go down, when girls like that fall pray to an eating disorder thinking that they have weight to lose. I mean I was in no way ever attracted to this girl, but at the same time, she was beautiful.

My point here is girls seem to get into this mind set that just because guys never talk to them that they aren't good enough, its not the case at all. I mean most guys are just looking for the easiest girl they can find, especially in high school and college. They think Why work hard for something when other girls are ready, willing and able to give it up without even protesting in the least.

Wholesome, good girls like Jamie over at Definition of Blonde don't seem to realize just how pretty they are and they should be happy, because when its all said and done they'll end up with the guys that look for more than sex and a good time, they'll find men that actually love them.

I decided to put this joke up

The Blinds Will Indeed Stay Shut

So the fourth of July has come and gone, so sad, only one special lady wished me happy fourth this year, but that's cool, it was better than getting happy fourth from a million other people. It's nice hearing from someone you care about. And I feel slightly better now. When asked how I celebrated I let out the dismal news that I had avoided firecrackers.

See that might sound a little anti-patriotic, don't worry I love America, but I hate feeling like I'm missing out on something. When I was driving I passed by a group of people huddled up on the side of the road to see the fireworks show over at Six Flags, now this show is nothing special for me, I see it day in and day out.

A while back I told someone that I would like nothing more than to sit on the same hillside and watch those same fireworks with her, just to hold her in my arms there. Now everytime I see them out my window, when I passed by there today I thought of nothing but her. And all I could wish for then was to go somewhere that I wouldn't have to see those fireworks, somewhere I wouldn't have to see them until she was safely in my arms. So the blinds will indeed stay shut.

I went to the movies and saw War of the Worlds alone, thouroughly enjoyed it [fuck you Spike] and I came back here. As Marisa said, it is really sad to go see a movie like that alone and sit there and have no one to talk about it with or share things with. Something did happen while I was watching it thought, I'm sitting there and these two girls come up and try to sit next to me, so I scoot over for them and they tell me to stay put and opt to sit on either side of me.

That's a little odd, maybe I should have tried something, I suck at knowing when the time is right. But I guess I'll learn all in good time. New issues have arisen with Julia [she doesn't have a color yet] I left her a comment and if you think her situation is dumb, leave one too. I have to get gone so I can write some. Catch you later.

And thank you for the message, it cheered me up and made me smile when I needed it most

To My Little Sister, Kinsey

Alright, I'm going to try and do this, first off I have to go over a few things, I have to talk about this new template, it was given to me by Emily, over at Pretty in Punk. In all of her kindness she let me have this and I think I will change the colors eventually but this will have to do for now. Other things I have to talk about, if you were all wondering why I didn't post for a good two days, I was in Louisanna for a family reunion, but now I am back.

I really don't like going to Louisanna, but I had very good reason to, so I did it. On another note, I recently invited some people to join the blog as memebers, my reason in doing this was so when someone had something to say that was longer than a comment, they could just put it on the main page. It's not really a big deal, just something I've thought about.

Now to what I promised a while back, why I love my little sister, Kinsey. Back in high school she was one of my best friends, probably one of the people I trusted more than anyone else. I never once had her not stick up for me when I was right and never once had her stick up for me when I was wrong. She was always truthful with me despite the fact that she didn't always make the best choices in life.

Being truthful goes a long way and sometimes you would be surprised where it can get you, as you may think lying makes people like you better, what is the point in lying to someone. If you lie about everything you are then you might as well not even know anyonee. It's always best to know just be real with people.

Spike's best friend used to sleep with girls and not have real dating relationships with them, but he was always truthful about what he was doing, even when it was towards them. He never lied about wanting to be with them forever or loving them. Sometimes men get this idea that girls only want sex when a real relationship is attached, not always true, there are girls out there who like one night stands as much as guys. But at the same time, if you lie all of the time, you'll never find one.

Lies may work out for a while, they may make you seem cool, but then you never really get to know the person you lie to, since most people say what they say based on what is said to them. In that regard it hurts more to lie, because then no one gets to know anyone else.

I would have done anything for Kinsey, even though I didn't agree with the things she did sometimes; I took care of her, like she was my own little sister. She was really just a close friend but I even called her my little sister. And I took care of her before I took care of some of my other friends. One time when she got really high one of my friends tried to make out with her, I stopped him and told him not to touch her. And when she started to run a fever I helped her stay cold and sat with her in the car while the rest of my friends were hanging out at someone's house.

I can't think of anyone I bent over backwards for more, and at the same time I can see why, she was the best friend I had in a high school I hated. She was the only person there who was always truthful with me, never manipulative or any of that other shit. She didn't try to use me or to act like she didn't know me when the cooler people came around. And most important of all, she never lied.

I love my Kinz, she was very special to me. Just wish I could talk to her now, she always knew just what to say to make things better.

Edit: Notice the new blogs I added to the sidebar line up, Julia is the Julia I often write about on here, and the others are people I haven't mentioned, well one of them is Spikes, and the other belongs to Marisa. And the last belongs to Megan, a friend from way back. So check that shit out.

Cruel World Thesis

Right now things are so confusing, I don't know what to do, where I should go or who to trust. Why do things have to become so confusing just when I think I've figured something out?

This is a cruel world.

I promised a post about Kinsey, and I will deliver when I feel better.