My Problem

Today should have been a good day, I mean I was excited because my car was going to be ready and I am moving out of here tomorrow. I thought I had everything ready and I would just start packing when I got home from work ealier. Well my brother decided to wait until the last minute and take me halfway to where I needed to be, then bring me back and tell me that he can't take me because it was too later. Now I might normally be slow at getting ready, but I was ready as early as four thirty.

I really hate not having my car; I don't have have any way to get around and since I am way out here where there are no friends to help me out, I really am screwed. My brother is always acting really snotty about it and asking me Why don't you just call one of your friends to give you a ride? The closest friends to where I am now are probably Heather or Greg, both of which don't have the time to drive twenty miles just to pick me up before driving me wherever it is I need to go!

I try not to be a pain, I got my car taken care of, got it ready and was waiting for him and he just told me it wasn't his problem. Basically that he doesn't care. He just acted like it wasn't his problem or fault, so I had to call into work and tell them I couldn't make it for the first time. I will probably get in trouble for this, because we're supposed to call in four hours ahead of time, and I didn't know about this stuff 7:45, that is when I called in. And I was supposed to be at work and hour and fifteen minutes later.

I always try and worry about others, I always think about helping someone out, even if it might not always seem like it. But I don't know how my brother doesn't understand that he could be a little nicer to me. I try to be nice to him, I even tried to stay out of the way because he pretty much acted like I was getting in the way, so I stayed in the room here.

He had a good thing going, he was getting four hundred dollars a month from me for rent, which is too much for what I got really. On top of that, my brother lived with my parents long after he first moved out, with my other brother and stuff like that and he never paid rent with them once. And while he has helped me out a lot over the years, when he wanted to, it was always with such a bad attitude. And I don't always have the best one, but he could try once in a while to hold a conversation with me about something with out calling me names or cursing me out. I don't.

So that's it, I'm not going to try and be nice anymore, I'm moving out in about 36 hours and I have stuff to do before then, like pack and call the cable company up to get some stuff ironed out so that I have television and internet. But I need to get off of here, I just woke up from a long nap, it felt good.

There's No Excuse

Why is it with all of the friends that we have the ones that ignore us seem to pull in the most attention when there are more people out there. I meet new people out there all of the time but it seems that when I have a friend that is just flat out ignoring me it really pisses me off. Most of the people that read this, in fact all of them are not who I'm talking about. I'm not going to name names, but the thing here is that the person I am talking about I have known for years and been nothing but nice to.

I think that people need to realize that when someone calls you, tries to talk to you on here and just generally asks how you are, you should make some effort to actually talk back to them. I'm not doing it for my health. Its one thing if you take a few days to reply, but when you flat out ignore them and then talk to people that you've never even met in real life or talked to on the phone, that also pisses me off. I'm tired of being nice to people and having to hunt them down or call for months on end just to get one returned call.

It's not cute, its not funny, it won't make people like you more.

There's not much else I can say, I don't get people.

Can't Stop Change

Everything changes, right? All of the things in life work on this cycle where nothing you know will stay one way forever. I can sit here and list off the things that I never expected to be the way they are right now, doesn't stop them from being that way. It doesn't really stop anything. In the back of my mind I wonder where its all going; that is the natural order of things I think. People are going to grow and change and when you're not there to experince it with them or to see at least half of that growth.

When someone changes and you can't be there to see it them change and you don't have any understanding for the circumstances. Over the past year, just this year alone almost everyone I know has changed dramatically. I know this might sound like nothing to say, people change all of the time. But I can tell you that I can even see the change in myself now. I have learned a lot about just about everything I thought I knew about before. I learned a lot about writing, relationships, school and just other things in general.

Then it seems I am just getting to know people that I never thought I would have the chance to know, it makes me wish I had gotten to know them earlier. Like Persephanie, who I never expected to talk to that much until something just told me get her email from Heather, talk to her or something. It worked out to be a good thing, I talk to her almost every day and its one of the funnest things I do in the day. And I know that I do not maintain this blog like I used to, I used to write in here two or three times almost everyday.

Work has been hard, there's not much to say about it. It's not much fun, it's not even that hard when you think about it, but its just hard being out there alone like that, you start to get tired just because your bored. And when someone calls, anyone, you jump on the chance to talk to them. But speaking of work, I have to go get ready for it.

It's going to be another long night, but I will be looking at apartments tomorrow it seems like.

Asian Midget Vampires

Looks like Bri and I have some of the most in depth conversations:

And you thought Utah was just for polygamist?

Persephanie

Well Persephanie gave me a good review of the story that had her in it, I am so happy to get that in the midst of me not having a very good summer at all. What I can say is that I am getting to know her a little better and it is really nice to have somone to look foward to emailing back and forth, I haven't even had that like this.

So here's to Persephanie and the story!

Change of Plan

Now, I have a little bit of good news, my mom did a better job looking at aparments and I have found the place I want to stay, and possibly the place I will remain for at least the next year or so. I am sorry to say it, but there is a lot going on with me right now and this apartment thing seems like the best way to solve a lot of problems at once. If you all need to know anything about me, its that my work space is usually a desk, or a table, which is why I am so eager to get the lap top from my dad so I can go write down in the library or in Starbucks instead of having to sit here at this house all of the time.

With my current set up it is too hard to draw or work on anything like that because I don't essentially have a table, or the money to buy one. The rent my brother charges me here is like almost half of my paycheck, so how could I buy anything? But right now I could say a lot for what has been happening. This is the important thing though. I need to sit down and plan out the next few things that I am going to do with my art too, I need to work on more photography more than anything else because I have some ideas I want to try out.

Fed Up

Well I basically got chewed out again tonight when I simply drove a few miles out of the way just to get my clothes and pillows and stuff. I figure that if I have to sleep on the floor here everyday I might as well have my pillows and all of that other stuff. I figure that I am not being too unreasonable, especially since I was on the West side of town, but then when I do it I get bitched at for wasting so much gas. At this point I am paying rent and have been for a while, I don't get anything that the normal people paying rent get, I get shit. I can't even sleep as long as I want to, I get treated like a fucking kid all of the time.

So my dad called tonight and they found these apartments they wanted me to look at, I did it and I am in love, I think I might try and get these as soon as I can, I can't take much more of this living over here. It's not even the distance, it wouldn't be half bad is my brother didn't treat me like I was a prisoner instead of someone paying rent and going to work as much as he does.

Granted he works like all these extra hours because he takes them, but I don't want to waist the only two days a week that I can potentially write on sitting at some other place for extra money. If I had a family I would do it, but I can't even think about having a family for a pretty long time.

If I get this fucking apartment though, it will change everything, I will actually be able to spread out and just be fine for a while. And I wouldn't have to hear bitching about how I am doing this or that and its so wrong despite the fact I pay for it and its just as much my choice as its not my brother's.

But I don't want to fucking go off on that for too much longer.

The other matter at hand is that I am quickly falling for this girl and the thing is, I know I shouldn't be. She won't respond well to this whole thing at all I am sure. And its funny when you think about how you should talk about who to ask out, I was one of those people who would always think about it in terms of the girl I wanted and the girl I could have. What I basically mean is that there are those girls that I really know would be good to date and fun and I would be totally satisfied with, But those are usually the ones I know I could never have.

And when it comes up that I want to go after someone who used to like me, they now have lost interest because I guess they no better. It's always too late when you realize these kinds of things. But now, there's someone I like again and I know that this one is pretty much out of my league. And there are a couple other people I have been thinking about but the same goes for them.

It really does feel like there's not going to be anything going right with me for a while.

Good to Know That If I Want Attention All I Have to Do is Die!

When a guy out there is trying to get to a girl, when there is something going on with him and he just wants to get her attention, how long is it before she actually knows what the Hell is going on? Do women have a sixth sense about these kinds of things? I get used to being the guy who the girls not interested in and I wonder does it make them mad when they think someone likes them, but they don't like him back.

My experince with women is pretty slim to none and I was just wondering a lot of things. Normally I would ask Heather or someone else that I considered to see guys in a normal way. As many of you know, this blog has been around a long fucking time and many times you can see me asking the same questions. Mostly that's because I have seen a lot of things I didn't even think were there, suddenly crop up. I have seen girls claimed I liked them when I never did, or I have seen girls I like never even notice what was going on.

Maybe part of that comes from the experince on their part too, but at the same time, where I come from its okay for a guy to do something for a girl and not like her. Not in that Tiny Vessels sort of way, I mean do things for them like take them out places, hang out with them. Nothing sexual, you know. Somewhere along the line I started to think that maybe my friends were right, I have something to offer a woman that I date, I just need to figure out what I want to do next. A lot of my time is spent either writing or wishing I had the courage to go after things I want.

When it comes right down to it, I would just have to find the time and places to go out and meet people. Or the courage to talk to the girls I know that I am already interested in.

Writing Again

There is just a lot of stuff that I would like to say, truth be told. Most of what I have been doing is writing, that and working. I would like to really try and get something out there in the writing world, and maybe it won't be what I have been working on right now, or what I have been working on for years. I have been writing on this story since I was in Junior High, writing and rewriting.

That's the thing, I used to think that was a long time, but I read about authors doing thirty years bewtween novels, I read about how two thirds of a story written in 1977 finally get their ending in the late eighties. I really love to write, there are times when I am planning a story, sitting out in the rain at work, in my car, under the street lamps when the perfect thing dawns on me.

Expect to see more writing from me, expect to see more writing from me. Much of the stuff that I hope to do in the future is short, original character stuff that is just for the hell of it, something that's just seven pages is short, but that's the way that the novel Fight Club started.

There is so much to do when you start a story not thinking about how everything is going to work out in the end. Like in one of my stories I spent so much time setting up the begining and middle of the story, and all of the stuff that was being set up had no resolution. So now I have to go through and bust my ass just to get things to work out in the end and wrap up in a reasonable number of pages. Not that there is a reasonable number of pages.

This Girl I Know

There's been a lot going on, there's always a lot going on, and I will write about more of it tomorrow. But for right now I will say there is this girl, I know her sort of well. And I met her a while back. I'm interested in her, but with me there is always some obstacle, for one my car is out of comission now, and all of the working makes it hard to do anything. Soon I will start the apartment search. So wish me luck, and wish me luck with this girl!

Broke Down

So today really hasn't been one of the best days, for one my car broke down after work. I'm tried of having to drive clear across town to go to work. It doesn't make sense really. I was talking to my other brother, the one that lives in Houston, and he was telling me that I should find a new job because of the way I am being treated over there. He is right in a way, I mean they are having me work all over town and not caring about where I live in relative to that.

They don't really care much about a damn thing and it makes me sick to think that I thought that I might like that job. But they take my days off, they give me terrible hours clear across town where they work there that day wouldn't even have paid for my gas to get there. I know now I have got to find a new job.

As for the car breaking down Greg gave me a ride home and I have to tell him thanks for that.

Update Late

Well it seems like its been a long time since I did anything with my blog, that's because it has. Work and a lack of internet access has caused that really. And work is hard and boring, I got in trouble for the first time this past week, and the worst part is that I totally thought I was doing the right stuff. People who have been there for a while act like it should be common sense, like everything should come natural.

In truth nothing really comes natural, I think its kind of bullshit for them to get onto me when I have worked there like three weeks and they have worked there so much longer. In truth I can't really see myself doing this job much longer. Of course I need to really hunt hard for a new job, because its when you just get angry and search for something that you end up making a dumb choice.

See earlier this week I lost some equipment, not that I want to go into all of it. The thing about this piece of equipment is that no one told me exactly how much it was. If I had known that the damn thing was nearly six hundred dollars I would have never left it unattended. Like I said, they expect you to know shit like this because...God knows what.

I really don't want to think about it anymore, that shit will really just piss me off. What I would like to think about is that I really need to go out and get back into things, go out and meet new people and the like. I think it wouldn't hurt to go on a date or something, but there is really no one that I know of that I can just go up to and ask, I mean anyone I know is a friend or a friend of a friend. My whole life is basically been writing and reading for the last few weeks. Well of course there was work too.

I worked this movie theater today, actually one of Heather's good friends works there. And the odd thing was that I worked there before but this time I noticed this girl and there was something extremly attractive about her. In that cute sort of pixie way. I talked to her only a little bit, and she seemed to be younger, maybe nineteen at the most, which isn't that much of a difference.

But I would have to talk to Kristian, Heather's friend, to know for sure. Then there is the fact that I'm not that good at talking to girls in the first place. Well I better get off of this thing, I need to get some drawing done because its been a while and I have soem ideas.

Today

Today Heather and I went to see a movie, it was X-Men three. I actually enjoyed it alot and its always fun hanging out with Heather. We have been doing a lot of stuff together lately, mostly because most of my other friends don't want to hang out anymore. I mean I am lucky if I am able to get hold of half of them by phone or anything else.

I'm not upset about it, because today is one of my days off and Friday I get paid, I am going to go buy a Nintendo DS to play at work, and I am going to try and save as much of the rest as I can. I need to get ready to go to bed, my dad is in town, Heather and I went by to see him yesterday and tomorrow we go by her work and see her, since she's come to see me and helped me stay awake and all of that mess.

New Contender Enters the Ring

Last night I just started writing in a note book, like it was my journal, but somehow it was better than the blog. Somehow it was me saying the things out loud that I didn't type or even want to think about. So far I have covered six pages in writing and some how it feels thearaputic. Writing about things that you just keep to yourself, even if you know only you were to see them feels like something special. Like even then, you shared something that you never would have.

That's about all that I can think to say about it.

Alright, so I have been working a lot lately, like six to twleve hours a night. Its not as bad as it sounds. I basically read an entire Dan Brown novel in two days and I am working on reading a Chuck Paulhnick book. It gives me time to read, to go over my stories and fine tune them and stuff like that. And having fine tuned stories is really important. I haven't really had time to think about the things that were bothering me before.

I was going to ask Heather though is maybe I culd hang out with her and Persephanie a little this summer when I get some money, just because something tells me I should get to know Persphanie better before the summer is over. I don't know why I get that feeling.

Oh something really cool happened last night, Tarin brought food to my work...but I need to go soon, gotta get ready.