There Are No Christmas Miracles

I haven't really spoken about it to many people, those of you who don't know its probably because I just hate the look people give me when they respond. I hate the fact that this had to happen of all times, on Christmas day. I guess I should go back and explain myself. My brother, John Caynon Junior died at 11:40 on Christmas night. He died alone in a San Antonio nursing home while still in a coma. The call came just before midnight. I think even when the phone was ringing I knew it was trouble.

I think that my brother and I were close, because we had a lot of fun together, even when we argued or fought. He was one of the strongest people I know, he's been to Iraq, he's been shot (not while there) and he's been through alot. He was a hard worker and he really did care but he hated to show it. He liked to make people laugh and laugh and it showed when you really got to know him.

I think I needed some time to sort all of this out in my head. I think that at first the shock was so much that I just kept going at normal pace. I kept running through everything doing what I could, being the person I've been for a long time now. I was already upset with Christmas, I feel like this year has just been, well the worst year ever. Even when my mom died that year still didn't seem like anything else bad happened. But this year I have lost friends, lost a brother, right now I have a friend who might be dying in a hospital bed of cancer, things keep getting worse and worse and I am just trying to look for the light at the end of the tunnel.

I don't try to remain positive, that's not me, I don't work well when people are too hopeful and positive, I'm the kind of person God made to offset that. My oldest brother is gone and I'm so shocked...I still felt like he was here even when he was in the coma. My good friend Meina is in the hospital and her courage and positive attitude should be a reminder to us all what someone can do if they have the will.

But in the back of my mind, I think I know now that all the movies were wrong, miracles don't happen on Christmas. Christmas is just another day of the year...its nothing special to anyone up in Heaven or down in Hell just because we slapped a day on some calender. Real miracles happen everyday, you just have to look for them. Maybe the miracle was John getting to see Mom again, not sure really. But I guess I know he's at peace and he knows how much we all love him. In Meina's case, we can still hope for a miracle, she can still come home.

But I guess, as they say, that's all in God's hands.

I'm A Fake

Intro to "I'm a fake" by the Used

Small, simple, safe price.

Rise the wake and carry me with all of my regrets.

This is not a small cut that scabs, and dries, and flakes, and heals.

And I am not afraid to die;

I’m not afraid to bleed and fuck and fight,

I want the pain of payment.

What’s left, but a section of pygmy sized cuts.

Much like a slew of a thousand unwanted fucks.

Would you be my little cut?

Would you be my thousand fucks?

And make mark leaving space for the guilt to be liquid.

To fill and spill over and under my thoughts.

My sad, sorry, selfish cy out to the cutter.

I’m cutting trying to picture your black, broken heart.

Love is not like anything.

Especially a fucking knife.

Even If It Kills Me

I’ve got a lotta things to do tonight


I’m so sick of making lists


Of things I’ll never finish


I’ve lived here for the last 12 years


Since early 1995 all my shit has been in boxes


But if I had a little more time to kill


I’d settle every little stupid thing


Yeah you’d think that I would



But I’m too tired to go to sleep tonight


And I’m too weak to follow dreams tonight


For the first time in a long time I can say


That I want to try to get better and


Overcome each moment


In my own way



I wonder if I’ll ever lose my mind



I tried hard for awhile


But then I kind of gave up


Winter is killer when the sun goes down


I’m really not as stubborn as I seem


Said the knuckle to the concrete


But I’m too tired to go to sleep tonight



And I’m too weak to follow dreams tonight



For the first time in a long time I can say


That I want to try to get better and


Overcome each moment


In my own way



I’m not saying that I’m giving up


I’m just trying not to think


As much as I used to


Cause never is a lonely little messed up word


Maybe I’ll get it right some day


For the first time in a long time I can say


That I want to try


I feel helpless for the most part


But I’m learning to open my eyes


And the sad truth of the matter is


I’ll never get over it


But I’m gonna try


To get better and overcome each moment


In my own way




I sure want to get back on track


And I’ll do whatever it takes


Even if it kills me

PC

So this story starts out with this strange need for me to play Metal Gear Solid for the Game Cube, I found out the game stop near my house had it and when I went to pick it up they IDed me, whats more is the guy who worked there has known me for like, ten years. He even knew it was me coming to get it. Now more recently he's taken to looking like Grizzly Adams, but that's besides the point.

I ask him what's with the new policy and if they had some trouble out of kids buying games when they're underaged. For those who don't know, games much like music and movies have a rating system, the ratings are fuzzy at times because so many of them seem unnecessary. But the system has been in place since the early nineties and has to be on any game sold in the United States after then.

The game I brought was rated, M for Mature. When I asked the guy behind the counter he said that they had to check every ID and he went on to say that it was because since Hilary Clinton was running for office she was stepping up her campaign against the gaming industry. Not sure if any of you really thought about what I just said there. But take this to heart, if this is the case and you must ID for mature video games, that means video games are more dangerous than fucking cigarettes. That means they're more dangerous than alcohol, both of which kill countless people a year.

I mean how stupid does that sound? Or is it just me. The gaming industry has caught a lot of shit for being too unpoliced. More often than not its the parents who should catch shit for it. The government shouldn't have to tell a store what to sell me, a grown person. We're not talking about air port check points, this is a video game store. What's worse is I don't see it getting any better for anything. There's talk of making any movie with smoking rated R.

That would mean your kids couldn't pick up a copy of 101 Dalmatians because Davile, in the movie, smokes. Political Correctness is a virus that's infected this world and is drowning us.

Identification Verification

It seemed that as far as Dee was concerned a little exposure went a long way, she needed to stay out of the overly watchful eye of others. She had a certain knack for attracting the attention of people who she really didn’t want seeing her.

Tonight was a rainy, the overcast clouds seemed to dip down and scrap across the tops of the buildings even. On the roof of this hospital Dee could stand under the large decorative cover and be just out of the rain. The wind still passed under and whipped through her hair every once in a while.

The dark curls swayed and bounced and hit her in the face some of the time as she just stood and smoked her cigarette. The Angel of Death had little to worry about as far as lung cancer was concerned, but she still took some comfort in smoking, the smell more than the feeling it brought her.

She polished off a long thin cigarette to the point where the rain had pretty much ended its run and let it fly from the rooftop with a sigh. As she reached for the next one she felt her cell phone ring, she slipped the Bluetooth ear piece on under her hair and then answered, “Go ahead.”

The voice on the other end was chipper, a young girl with a British Accent, “Yeah I thought you said that they had good food in this city…”

“They do Madeleine,” Dee said softly, “You just have to know where to look.”

Madeleine’s voice on the other end of the phone seemed louder suddenly, “But it seems to all be Mexican,” she paused, “I don’t like Mexican.”

“Have you tried Soul Food?” Dee asked.

“What’s that?”

“For a person who doesn’t have to actually eat since they’re not even alive you’re picky as Hell,” Dee quipped.

“You’re picky about those damned cigarettes of yours and you don’t even have to breathe…” Madeleine retorted.

Dee nodded, “Alright, you win this one,” she fumbled for a cigarette now that she had been reminded, “But let’s just try and go out and get something together, I can be back there in a few minutes…”

“I’m starved, just bloody teleport here!” Madeleine said.

“I would but I’m not that far along yet.”

“How much of your power would you say has returned?” now she could hear Madeleine tapping on a table or something.

“I would have hoped it’d be about twenty five to forty percent,” Dee sighed, “But it feels more like about ten…”

“But considering your rank and the amount of power you have, you’re still going to be strong.”

Dee sighed again, “Its just that I miss some things…”

Madeleine laughed, “Don’t worry, you’ll be back soon enough,” she paused, “Think I’m going to watch something on the telly, hurry and get back.”

Dee smiled, “Alright, Maddy,” the phone clicked as she hung up and just as she was reaching for the ear piece there was a flash of lightening and then an impact. Something hit her hard in the middle knocking her into the air and through the large covered atrium of the hospital. Her body flipped and she lost the Bluetooth in the night.

Rain pelted her as she rolled through the air and instinctively she opened her huge white wings and brought herself into a dive to pick up speed before swooping back up. She searched around the skies for the culprit of the hit, she’d seen a form only briefly before being the impact.

Off in the distance she heard a strange voice, “You should have expected this, bitch!” the voice sounded almost like two voices at once.

Dee made back and flew straight for him, her arms out at her sides, “What kind of person just flies into someone like that?”

There was a bout of laugher, “Why I do of course!”

Dee slammed into him from the side and as she did she was met with force on her end. The two of them tumbled down through the rain rolling about in the air. As she took her punches at him her fists burned red hot with flames, one of the other descriptions she had as the Angel of Death was the Angel of Fire and Destruction. She could control most fire with just a thought, Pyrokenesis.

Her opponent didn’t seem phased from what she could see, he kept on swinging back, one of them landed square in her eye and she winced, they were hard hits for a regular Angel or Demon to be doing.

The two of them were nearing the ground and when Dee looked back the other creature kicked off of her knocking her down into the top of a small fast food joint, she landed back first laying there, her opponent landed standing over her, she could see now that it was the tall lanky man she’d come across earlier.

He smiled down at her as he put a hang around her neck, his coat was open and his chest was vacant of any other kind of covering. There was a large tattoo covering most of his chest, “This is disappointing,” he said, “The new Angel of Death…I hope you're better in bed than you fight, then maybe you could at least give me something to leave here with...”

Dee’s hand went down to the gun at her side, she kept it more often for confrontations with Humans but it would buy her some time here, “If you want me so bad come take me…” she opened fire hitting him in the face, neck and chest several times. He loosened up and she got her feet back and kicked him up off of her.

The lanky man flew back up into the sky, his wings were black she could tell now, judging by the tattoo and the wings she could tell who she was dealing with, “One of Satan’s Elite Guard? Hm you’re not my type anyway.”

He was writhing in pain, clawing at his wounds, “You insolent whore, what’ve you done to me?”

“The bullets are iron and have a hollow Holy Water tip,” Dee said, “They’d kill a bottom feeder demon, but for big shots like you I’d just expect there to be a little stinging.”

“Hm, it would seem you are prepared…” he said.

“Yeah and if you want to wait around I’ll have half of Heaven down here to kick the shit out of you for breaking the treaty…” she paused for a moment to remember the exact line, “Those in Satan’s Elite guard are strictly prohibited from attacking any member of the six Arch Angels…the war is over, and has been for some time now.”

“You know your treaty little girl,” he said.

“I’m the keeper of all contracts in Heaven and Hell.”

“And it would seem you live up to it, Death,” now the lanky man sighed, “But my attack was only to see if you were who you seemed to be, this isn’t a military action, no we’ve got our hands too full in Hell for that.”

“Hands full in Hell,” Dee repeated, “What’s going on?”

The lanky man folded his arms, his pain seemed to have subsided now, “There’s a new war brewing, and before long it might spread back to Heaven…rival factions in Hell.”

“Why hadn’t God notified us?” Dee asked.

The lanky man smiled, “He has his way of doing that from time to time.”

“And who might you be?” she asked.

“Asmodeus the Lustful,” he answered.

“Makes sense,” Dee started to pace around, “So do you have the proof you need?”

He nodded, “The proof is sufficient…”

She holstered her gun, “Then leave me be,” as she said this he just nodded and vanished in a flash of light. Dee hunched her back over and opened her wings shaking them dry as best she could before taking off again to fly off into the night.

Last Night

Last night things seemed to happen in so much of a slow motion. Usually she turned down the invitation to go to a party, I’m not sure what made things different this time but I doubt it matters. The whole thing was going down at a friend’s house on a cold autumn night.

I was frustrated when I met her there, I wasn’t sure what to expect from her. Things had been going down hill for a long time, the fall that never ends. Why was it so hard for us now? We’d been best friends for years and when we started to date for a while things suddenly took this turn.

She was dressed in a thin black dress with white polka dots, there was a little tie up ribbon around the waist. Her hair was down, as it always was. She had this thing about ponytails, she was just against them for some reason.

Her face was stretched to a forced smile, her front teeth showing, they were bigger than they should have been and it just gave her this cute sincere look. I should have known better than to take that as the truth, though.

The music was loud and I could barely hear it as she yells to me, “Glad you could make it Perry,” her green eyes shine up at me. Something in her voice made me nervous, even before the party was off in full swing I wanted to be out of the crowded house, I wanted to be home alone studying for the test next week. This party became a prison, the people barring me in. I’d climb the walls for oxygen.

“Thanks for calling me up,” I lean in to give her a kiss instinctively, she pulls back at first as if its instinct and but the mark still lands square on her cheek. As she nervously brushes the maroon hair down from her face she starts to bounce with the music. Now I yell to her, “You look so beautiful in that dress, just perfect tonight.”

A half hearted smile spreads across her lips, her lightly tanned face catches the dim light in a way that shows that one dimple she has that’s deeper than the other. “Why don’t we just dance?”

I take her hand and she leads me out to the dance floor, I’m looking her up and down and somehow I know what’s coming. I push the thought back and I bury it under everything I can inside of my head. Thoughts of school, the idea that I really can’t dance; anything at all to push those fucking feelings of regret down. Is it that I’m coming on too strong?

I’ll wait, but I’m too tired to play pretend, I’m too tired to climb this wall or claw for the air at the top of this tank anymore. I’ll suffocate until the end. We start to dance, as innocently as we can. More innocent than we would have danced as just friends. Best friends turned lovers…better off where they started.

I attempt to get closer to her, my fingers run down through her hair. Her expression changes now, her eyes flinch nervously. She looks up and down my body. Her mouth is open only part of the way. She’s working up something inside, and I want anything to take those words away at this point.

With a little step I go to kiss the side of her neck, she tilts her head up and as my lips meet her warm skin she places one hand on my waist. She whispers something in my ear, but the message is unclear. She steps back and motions outside. I trail her closely from behind as she tries hard not to cry. She shakes underneath the newly fallen pouring rain.

My voice is barely audible, “Ashley…” I go to touch her shoulder.

“I can’t compete with all your damn ideas,” her first words bite into my core, “This isn’t working out for you and me; and the truth is I’m too tired to play pretend. This is goodbye, this is the end.”

Funny Thing...

Funny thing about pictures, they can bring back memories you'd long since forgotten, or maybe you let them go because the memory itself it too painful.


I looked through some old pictures today, and I remembered part of the things that made me start to want something I probably should have known was out of the question.

The Spill Canvas

I had the notion that you'd make me change my ways
My bad habits would be gone in a matter of days
I had the feeling that you'd open up my eyes
To a whole new world that had since been in disguise

But that day will most likely never come for me
And it's just my luck to end up getting stuck
To everything you are

So tonight I'll sit and pick apart your pictures
And overanalyze your words
But the truth is that I've never fallen so hard
It's taking everything in me
Just to forget your sweater so far

I had the notion that you'd make me forget the world
But your undecisive mind shows me that
You are "just another girl"
I had the feeling that those looks you gave me were real
What if I ripped your heart apart at the seams
Maybe then you'd know how I feel

But that day will most likely never come for me
And it's just my luck to end up getting stuck
To everything you are

So tonight I'll sit and pick apart your pictures
And overanalyze your words
But the truth is that I've never fallen so hard
It's taking everything in me
Just to forget your sweater so far

I can honestly say
That I never, ever, ever felt this way
Your lips, your eyelashes, your skin
These are the parts of your body
That cause my comatose to begin

I can honestly say
That I never, ever, ever felt this way
Your lips, your eyelashes, your skin
These are the parts of your body
That cause my comatose to begin

I will sleep another day
I don't really need to anyway
What's the point when my dreams are infected
With words you used to say
I will breathe in a moment
As long as I keep my distance
I wouldn't want to go messing anything up

So don't go worrying about me
It's not like I think about you constantly
So maybe I do, but that shouldn't affect
Your life anymore
I knew it the moment you walked into the door

So don't go worrying about me
It's not like I think about this constantly
So maybe I do, but that shouldn't affect
Your life anymore
I knew it the moment you walked into the door

I'll let you get the best of me
Because there's nothing else that I do well
I'll let you get the best of me
Because there's nothing else that I do well
I'll be the giver and you'll be the taker
I guess that's how this one's gonna go I'll be the giver and you'll be the taker
You've got me down on my knees and I proclaim
All hail the heartbreaker

Irony and Insanity

They say that irony is the lynch pin of comedy, but I don't see anything to laugh at. They say that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, I don't think I've reached the point yet. But I can feel that I am close to insanity. How I wish so badly I was wrong. That I was a man who I could say believed that men and women could be friends without it going any further than that or getting ruined.

Sometimes I want to think that girls are so gullible and yet so unwilling to try the one thing that might actually work for once. They're not even willing to take a chance on the people who tell them the truth, the guys that would never hurt them. Maybe the irony here is the masochistic way in which we all behave. The way I have behaved, I stupidly let girls walk into my life only knowing that there is too often the potential there for me to get walked on and over.

And I know full well I am capable of shutting people out, it comes with being artistic and the like. But I never have the heart to do it. And that's the true root of the insanity and irony in this little situation. Killing off a kind nature is so much harder than just being nice after being mean for a long time.

They don't understand what they're doing, they don't know it some of the time and yes we all have our own problems. It drives you insane. But it gets to the point where you want so badly to show them that you never want them in your life again and somehow at the same time, you know the real irony is, you'd want nothing more than to have them there forever.

Vienna

My body is weary, weary enough for me to make mention of it. But my heart, my heart is in shreds. Mostly because I can't seem to let go of someone that I can't have. Someone who has been good to me but someone who is so far from me in every since of the word that its best I leave her to her own happiness and pursue other goals. I want to be a great writer. I want to have a family.

I don't want to be the guy who spends his life chasing the one that got away. Of course then there is the mentality that says never to give up. What do I say to that? Do I give up on something prematurely and just let this be me raising that white flag from the top of my ship. I've done nothing but pine over this, I've thought and schemed. Plans that took me in every direction and that even made me think that it might be possible.

Or maybe this is the hard part of Love, the part where you Love someone so much you let them do what makes them happy and stand by them, but never in their way. There must be a fine fucking line between standing in their way and being the right one for someone. There's always the possibility. I don't believe in destiny, but I do believe that things happen for a reason. Maybe they don't have to happen, but they do for a reason, if that line of reason makes sense. Maybe it only does to me.

But to you out there, you might know who you are...you might not. But I have to wish you luck in being happy. If someone else is who makes you happy...then my Love for you dictates that I have to let you be happy. It's the only right thing to do. It might hurt a while, but seeing you smile is worth that much. I mean that's what Love is about, right?

Circus Seal

Kind of pissed, I had this long thing written about my job and about how I like it except for a few things. It went on to say that I was kind of weirded out by how guys think that its a bonding ritual to talk about how bad they want to have sex with girls they see. But whatever, it doesn't matter.

I'm miserable and its not due to work or anything to do with the people there. For the most part I plan to keep them kind of separate from most of my other stuff in life. But it doesn't really make much of a difference. Right now I feel like people that I cared a lot about don't care about me, if they ever did they don't anymore. They pretend to it seems...maybe to help me keep things together but I really think that deep down inside I have known for a long time. Why must we deny things that are so obviously true?

Why do I want to hold on to something it seems I never had. I wonder how many times I can bite my tongue and keep from saying, "I told you so." I've bitten it till it bleeds it seems now and at this point if I wanted to talk I don't think I'd be able to. I confirmed that I'm pretty sure these people are using me...why do I keep jumping through hoops to let them do so?

Oh great...facebook is wigging out now...just great

Janus

Looks like by not writing anything here for so long I've kept too many things bottled up and I don't even know where to begin. I can say that my old job is gone away. It's a thing of the past and I don't even need to think about it anymore. No one I talk to works there, nothing I care about is there and its better that I lost it and found a good job with the kind of things that will allow me to make more over time.

For me, Thanksgiving has always been one of those times of the year when I was dreading what was coming. Its like the worse part of the year for me and I am so glad that its gone now. The worse is behind me I guess. But more over I feel like some of my friends are slipping away, I mean I'll always have Prentiss and friends like that, they've been there too long and its like having more family. But other friends seem so distant and reluctant to want to talk.

Its like I wonder if I did something wrong or didn't do something. Or if I did something wrong by fighting so hard just to keep friends. That having been said the Holidays feel especially lonely this year. Its not getting any better and when I think that I am going to be able to just overlook that I might actually do it for a short time. But I'm not fine with things as I would like to think I am. And I hate it more than anything else when ever people act like I should be happy just because of ______.

Whatever blank that might be some people seem to think everyone has it better than them, and while some might have it better than others. It's not the case with everyone being over you. And while I really try to make the best of things and keep the things out that are said around me, there's like this constant power struggle inside of me between being who I've been for years and the jerk that I see a lot of other people become when they get discouraged.

When ever I look at the options the jerk seems more and more beneficial and I don't know what part of me holds me back, but it just does. More and more I've started to bite back at people instead of just getting walked on all of the time. But it seems that the options are be the way I am and get walked on more or be the way I've been trying not to be but keep people from walking on you.

People seem trained to use others, and when they do it they don't even seem to notice it. Maybe they don't want to, they might think that it was part of that other person's duty to help them get out of whatever rut they were in. Like some character in a book or movie that's only there to serve the purpose of furthering the plot. That's how I feel, like I'm just used to help someone get back on their feet before they run off and go do what they really wanted. Friends that I've had, girls that I've liked, they've treated me like this. And from time to time they'll come back but its only for the same reason.

In my mind I want to be mad, but I'm not sure what should make me madder, the part where they do it again or the part where I let them. In the end it just ends up being pathetic.

Self Fulfilling

I'm really just coming out of the deep sleep that was induced by the nineteen hour work day I pulled yesterday. I really love my new job, the people are bad ass. The company is a great company, but nearly twenty hours of work is well...nearly twenty hours of work. Any job could make this hard. Now its pouring rain out, so cold that the wind seems to bite at you right through the walls. This is the kind of weather I pray for and on a day like this I want nothing more than to curl up with my laptop and write the day away.

But right now, right now I know that things for me haven't gotten better. Does anyone else know how it feels to think that everyone is lying to you? To feel like your own friends don't want you around, ever? Its the kind of feeling that hollows you out from the inside. And at this time last year things were actually going alright, one of the few times around then that they were. I almost miss how things were going.

At least back then, I had this illusion in my head, or maybe it was delusion, that things would pick up. I believe in people so much more. I thought to much more of everyone and I knew that in the end me being nice to someone was all it took, they'd eventually come around. I'm so certain now that I'm wrong about all of that, but I want that delusion back.

There really are some cases where ignorance is bliss and you wonder why anyone would give it up for the truth. I think this is one of those. All it takes is one person to come along and plant an idea in your head, like Iago did Othello and you're fucked. You've got it in their bouncing around and the more you start to entertain it, its like the more it becomes self fulfilling. But I guess I can't hope to get that back. I can't unlearn what I learned and I most definitely can't ignore it. No matter how much I wish I could.

Angel

I had manage to get my arm down into the wall as deep as the shoulder but I still couldn’t reach the artifact. My cheek was pushed flush against the wall. I was breathing heavily from exhaustion and dripping with sweat. Something I did coming in must have knocked the security system offline or something. I really wasn’t an electrical expert or anything like that.

With a sigh I reached up and brushed the locks of hair away from my eye, I tried again to push my arm further. Forcing my shoulder deeper into the hole, but I really couldn’t move any further.

I cursed under my breath, “Dammit.”

I tried again at the wall, this time looking around at the room to make sure that no one was coming. I had been here longer than I’d expected and the longer I stayed the more I risked exposure. Of course, when you’re thief you don’t expect to come such a long way through high tech security systems only to get stopped up because a safe just happens to be further back in the wall than your arm can go.

Overhead there was a loud clanging, thinking that someone might be coming I retracted my arm from the hole just a bit. But as the air conditioning came to life in the ceiling I realized what I had heard and continued at what I was doing.

The room I was in was at the center of a large office building. The middle room of the middle floor of a sixty story building. Normally being thirty stories off of the ground would make the escape that much harder for the thief, but not for me. The room itself was pretty vacant. The walls were a stainless steel metal, as were the floors and ceiling. The room seemed to be as sterile as an operating room.

In the middle of the whole thing were three long metal tables, but nothing was on them. Besides the safe, I really couldn’t be sure what this room was for. One good thing was the fact that there was only one way in and one way out and if someone were going to come in to get me, they’d have to do it through that door.

I yanked my arm free of the hole and turned back to the table that was at my back, my gun was right there laying flat on the table. With a dull smirk I whipped my gun up into my hand, “I really should have some tools for this kind of thing…”

Now with my gun in hand, I stuck my arm back into the safe, trying to see if I could use the gun to pull the object closer to me. I let out a few short grunts, moving and pushing my shoulder harder into the wall.

I huffed, “Oh come on…”

Suddenly something slammed into the door of the room, “Who’s that in there?”

“Shit,” I glanced around for somewhere to hide. In a room like this there was no where.

I clenched my gun tight, “Alright, I guess there’s only one way to do this.” With my gun in hand, I yanked my arm free of the hole and stepped out away from the wall. There came a second slam at the door, this one louder than the first.

My hand went out towards the hole and I concentrated really hard, I bit down lightly on my lip and closed my jade eyes tight. I could feel my mind wrapping around the object. I could feel its shape in my head. I knew to do this too long or too hard could be damaging. Cautiously I pushed on, I could feel my grasp tighten around the object now, its rough surface texture was now so apparent in my mind.

And then I ripped it free of the hole where it was bound, the object flipped from the safe and back into my hand. I grasped it for real now. I hated to have to depend on these “abilities” that I had. I saw them more of a hindrance…a reminder of my former self than anything else.

“We’re coming in,” the man at the door was muffled by the thick steel, but I could hear his voice clear enough.

I glanced down at the artifact, it was about the size of my hand and rough. Just by looking at it I could tell I would have no idea what the damn thing was, and I didn’t care as long as I got my money. I slipped the thing into my pocket.

The door to the room flew open and in an instant I dropped to one knee with my Beretta outstretched. I fired the first shot into the forehead of the first face through the door. His head snapped back with the force of the bullet and his blood sprayed out behind him. The second two bullets were into the chest of the guy right behind him. They fell almost at the same time.

I didn’t have time to get my next bullet off before the third man fired back at me. I dove over to the side landing with my chest down and then scrambled up for cover behind the table. I kept low and as I turned around the side of the table, I could hear him making his way around the other side of the table.

Instinctively I stood and jumped over the table catching him on the side and knocking him off balance. He fell back against the table in the middle of the room with a thunderous thud. I grabbed him by the side of the head and with a pop of electricity from my fingers I saw his eyes go bloodshot. It didn’t take that much heat to boil someone’s blood inside of their body.

This electric touch, another one of my little “gifts”.

Quickly I got against the wall next to the door and checked down the hallway, no one was coming from what I could see and they probably hadn’t expected to need more than one security officer for anything that happened.

If all had gone well I planned on making my way out of the building through the front. But with the way that things were looking now I had better play it safe. “Well this is where you excel, right Angel?” I muttered to myself?

The lingering smell of gunpowder in the air was still fresh. The room was calm again and the only sound was me breathing and the quiet hum of the A/C unit above. I moved back out into the hallway with my gun pressed tightly down into my lap. The security lights that ran over night in the building painted the hall a pale blue color, the color that full moon casts down on things.

I navigated the curves of the hallways trying to make sure that I went to the right side, there was no need to rush right out into the middle of the street, even if it was late at night. I needed to find a more secluded place to make my escape.

When I turned the next corner I could see at the end of the hall that the room opened up. This room too was bathed in the same bluish light and luckily for me there was a large plate glass window facing out to a street.

I sighed, “Thank…yeah…” I made my way over to the window, running between rows of cubicles that had just hours ago had workers in them. The smell of fresh printer toner was still lingering in the air.

I hit the window with my hands and glanced down at the ground from my perch. Of course it was a long way down. Humanly impossible for me to make the jump without some sort of aid…at least that would have been the case if I was a Human.

With my fist drawn back as far as it would go I punched into the glass shattering a huge section of it. The cascade of glass rained down onto the street below and clattered around my feet too.

I started back by the cubicles, building up a running star and dashing towards the shattered window. They stormed into the room as I dove free off the window. The air ripped past me, I hadn’t planned this well. I really hadn’t planned this part at all. I felt the air through my hair, strands of blonde whipped at my face.

No part of my outfit could be used for creating drag and I wouldn’t die, not even from this fall. But if I couldn’t get myself turned right side up it would hurt…like Hell.

From somewhere above, over the howl of the cold wind I could hear their desperate gunshots. I tucked my body into a ball and tried to roll so that my feet were down. I didn’t want to give myself away. It seemed like I might have to.

Time seemed elongated. As I neared the ground I decided to use that gift of mine again. I let a magnetic field erupt around me. There was a parked car right where I would land. I could only pray no one was inside.

With a thud I slammed into the top of the car, the alarm blared and the roof was compacted down into the cab. Glass exploded out around the car and the screech of the car’s anti theft device seemed to grow weaker.

My boots slid slightly and I went ahead and jumped off the top of the car. I checked my pouch I wore for the artifact. “Pay dirt.”

I gave a quick glance around to see if anyone was there to notice me. The coast was clear. I darted off down a dark alley and made my way back to my car, I’d parked it a few blocks off for safety reasons.

As I go I speak to myself, “Angel, you’ve done it again.”

Faulty

I listened to his voice, he was a man who sounded to be in his mid thirties but looked at least ten years older. His eyes encased in dark circles and he leaned forward over the table with a cigarette clenched between his index and middle fingers. His voice rasped a little as he rocked toward the table some, “Back then I didn’t know anything but drugs,” he continued telling his tale to the woman who sat across the table from him., “I lived for the drugs and used drugs to feel alive.”

My fingers went around the top of my cup, the smell of the sweet coffee wafting out filled my nose and I sighed. I glanced down in the cup and I could make out my own reflection. My dark curls bunched up around my head, in the surface of the liquid my eyes appeared to be little more than dark holes.

I take my final sip from the glass and glance over at the man sitting in the corner booth, his back is to a window. He’s sat back some now. The waitress hovering over me with my ticket in hand grabs my attention, “Would you like this now, sweetheart?”

I nod to her, “Sat it down,” my arm goes down to the ash tray and I retrieve my cigarette. With a long slow drag I flare the ember on the business end and then flick the remains down in my coffee.

“I know what you mean,” the woman across from the table with the man was talking now, “I’ve been clean and sober six months and it still feels…it’s still like something is missing.”

Just lifting the glass slightly, I slid my ticket and my money under the still half full mug and get to my feet.

“Then maybe there is,” the man answered her as he took a drag on his own cigarette. “Who are they to tell us that we’re not right…its not our fault that we were manufactured with these…Faulty Souls…that some God saw fit to make it where we need someone else to feel right…we can’t all find someone else, its not just that easy. And when no one is there, we need something to hold us over.”

I smiled slightly, “I thought so,” I mutter under my breath.

“I don’t know…” the woman said.

“Maybe drugs are the answer,” he said now, “Maybe all that shit they’re pumping into our heads down there only works for some of the people out there, what about people like us…”

My fingers fumbled down the buttons of my coat, they were large metal buttons and I had always had a hard time getting out of them, when I reached the last one I dug into my coat, “People like you, you say?” Both of them looked up at me.

“Lady, do you know how rude that is?” asked the man.

“Where are my manners,” I said, “I might care if you actually were a person…”

“What’s that…”

“Demonic scum,” my fingers curled around something cold and metallic. The look of shock on his face was priceless. When I leveled my gun at him and fired the gun through his face, his blood painted the wall and that look was suspended there. The glass window nearby was shattered and in the panic the woman cried out going to hide under the table.

I scoffed, the smoke in the room now wasn’t the kind from a cigarette or match. The dimly lit diner was filled with the sounds of glasses rattling and confused screams of panic. Demons masquerading as humans, preying on the weak. Wolves in sheep’s clothing.

I made my escape in the blink of an eye. A tuft of black feathers left in my wake. In this kind of justice there’s no jury, no witnesses, no one is all that sure what they’ve seen. I took orders straight from God for so long that to me, there’s no reason to be discrete or to show discrimination between demons, whether it’s a low level trying to con a woman into carnal or chemical pleasures, or something far more sinister.

The truth of the matter was something was stirring, deep within the Earth. Something so horrid that it had the demons heading for higher ground, every now and then they’d attempt to blend in and act right. What could cause them to seek shelter so vigorously?

I didn’t know, but as I watched the commotion inside of the diner from the next parking lot over, I was sure I would find out.

Untitled Piece

She said, “October never got this cold before I moved back here, but I’m not complaining.”

The thin wire frame sign twists and bends in the cold wind. All of the grass under me where I lay feels so cold against my back that I could swear the ground was wet. The sun is blotted out from the sky by a low hanging sheet of clouds. And I just have to lay here and ask myself, “How often do I get to do this?”

After living in Chicago for a while, it never got cold enough for her to consider it Winter or even Autumn. Her thin livid arms are stretched out and up behind her head, she turns to look at me and some of her red hair drops over her eyes, “Did you say something?”

“It was nothing,” I let the words slip out as I continued to stare up at the clouded sky.

This was the epitome of the lazy Saturday, this was the kind of day that I lived for, even on the rare occasion that they happened. I felt her head ram hard into my chest. When I glanced down I could see that she had jumped against me, her arms were wrapped around me and her face gazing up at mine.

“No kids, no work; I really think that I could stay out here like this all day,” her voice was quiet with excitement, the way intimate secrets were told. It was the way her voice always got when she was giddy. That was something that should have been comforting, right?

I wrapped my arm around her back and let my hand rest on her stomach, “With things the way they’ve been around here recently its good to have a rest.”

“Well I know that work’s been getting to you,” her green eyes were half closed now and her lips stayed parted when she finished speaking. She reached up and pushed her hair back some, “Work’s been hard on all of us.”

Hard was an understatement. Including myself, several of our group had been injured in the past few months, one of them nearly died and on top of all of this we have very good reason to believe that we’re being spied on by someone in our group. Basically everything that we knew has changed or be rearranged in some way or another.

Life set us on this track and then halfway through went and pulled the track up and left us to wonder aimlessly with out direction. I’m not sure what options we have when that happens except for trust our instincts and hope for the best.

“At least we’re all still alive,” I said.

She slid her body further up mine, our faces coming closer together, “It’s like every time we talk you get hung up on this,” she paused, “Isn’t there anything else you’d care to think about…anything at all,” her voice took that same tone again.

I smoothed her hair back with my hand and then ran my fingers down through it, “I don’t mean to do that at all…”

“I know, its just…we’ve got some time to rest finally and…”

“I know, sorry…” my voice is dry, dry like the rough brown pine needles we cleared from the yard earlier that day.

“…and you act like things are so serious,” she said. Suddenly she smiled real big, “It’s not the end of the world, you know?”

Sixteen years of marriage and its hard to believe, this woman still smiles at me this way. She smiles at me despite the things I’ve done, despite everything that’s happened. Sometimes I wonder if she’s blocked it all out. Sometimes I think if she only knew. I’m a monster.

My free hand fumbles through my pocket, I produce my lighter and a pack of Lucky Strikes. I struggle to get the pack open with one hand and pull one single cigarette free of the flip top box. Her eyes scold me, but she doesn’t say a word.

I slip the thin white clothed strip of tobacco into my mouth and go to light it, “The end of the world,” I repeat, “Sometimes I think it is…”

I'm a Girl?

After working in a game store for the last few months I have had a chance to observe a few things. More recently, like this week I have had a complaint from a few people of the same nature. Basically several people came in and made the same complaint about different games. The complaint didn't have anything to do with gameplay, graphics or anything like that. Frankly it kind of surprised me that they had this complaint. What was it?

The complaint was that they were a girl in the game they were playing.

In one case there was an option to change the character to a male or female. But in the other the girl was the main protagonist and you didn't have the option. The last time that I heard someone mention it was today. The game was portal and the person saw their reflection in the portal and asked "Is that what you the person looks like?"

I answered, "Yeah."

"I'm a girl, I don't want to be a girl, I'm a guy."

The thing I don't get is the guy went on to make this an even bigger deal and I just had to think, do you realize how long it was before there were that many girls in games as playable characters? The market for that kind of thing is pretty male oriented and even worse when there are women in games they traditionally look like Laura Croft. What's the matter with playing a female protagonist? I mean I don't see any issue with it really. This guy acted like it was dehumanizing to have to be a girl for a few hours in a game.

I mean do these people think about the fact that any time a girl played she had to be a guy for years nearly...and that when they finally started to use girls they were almost always there to be this sexual object. Not that it actually is a huge deal, but it kind of pissed me off is all.

Al Gore?

Al Gore won the Noble Peace Prize...well there goes any honor that Institution could have hoped to have had.

I say we stage a protest, I'm going to start burning trash, emitting all the green house gases I can and just generally Polluting because that's what Al Gore wouldn't want, right?

Actually, if you can win a prestigious award by lying...I'm not sure what this world is coming to.

Friend Zone

I had a little bit of a talk the other day with someone about some things, namely dating friends. I've never understood why I see so many people talk about how they want to be friends first but it seems like there's almost never any chance for anyone to date their friend. Its like, by going there you're automatically pulled out of the dating pool. Yet at the same time here you are being told that you should go and be friends first.

From my standpoint, those guys that end up dating girls that they were "friends" with aren't the kind of friend that I would call a real honest friend. Its hard for me to explain, but have you ever looked at a girls friends and thought, "Yeah, he's just trying to get into her pants" about one of them? Well those are the kind of guys that usually end up getting the girl when they are quote, "friends". As mean as I am, I just can't trick another person, I have to be real friends with them, and that's my problem.

I know that talking about this isn't going to make the problem go away, I mean all kinds of problems get talked about and none of them are just gone because of it. I really don't ever see a change where socially its just well known that most of the time the type of person that someone says they want to date, isn't the type they actually date.

A lot of men don't care how smart a girl is. A lot of women don't seem to care if a guy really is nice to them. In some regard, both sexes suffer for their lack of truth with themselves. I've seen a guy try to convince himself that a girl was smart, just to justify being with her. Likewise, I have seen a girl trying to convince herself that this guy is being nice to her when it's clear he's not.

But there's hope. Some men out there (like me) can't stand a girl who is stupid when it comes to dating. What I mean is we all make some mistakes or goof up from time to time. But if you've almost drowned from standing in a shower, I don't want to talk to you. Actually intelligence in a girl is attractive and as I have said before, can make a decent looking girl seem a lot cuter. Plus, unlike beauty it doesn't fade.

There are also those girls out there who like guys that are nice to them and aren't looking for some kind of a "work in progress" bad boy. Unfortunately for most guys like me, most of those girls are taken...

...yeah it sucks.

Dancing With the Stars

Dancing with the Stars gargles my balls...

I mean where the Hell is the real star in that show?

I wish my mom would stop talking about it all of the time...

Teen Rapes Dog to Death and Molests Little Girls

Remember that guy I posted about who raped the road killed deer? Remember how people thought it couldn't get worse than that? Well get read for this:

SPARTANBURG, SOUTH CAROLINA - A Campobello teen is accused of raping one neighbor's dog and another neighbor's two little girls. Now the dog has died and charges against the teen have been upgraded.

After receiving word that the dog died possibly because of the rape. Fox Carolina called the Solicitor's office to see if now new charges would be filed against the teen. An hour later Solicitor Trey Gowdy called to say that the charges will be upgraded to the "most serious animal cruelty charges they have on the books."

The dog's owner Sylvia Jones says, "At first when it happened, I couldn't eat or sleep every morning I'm waking up thinking Princess is there but she's not.

Princess's little dog house is empty now. Sylvia Jones says she died of internal bleeding this past Sunday because of the rape. "The vet told me she had a little blood in her urine and that she was bleeding inside."

Sylvia says she and her husband would not have believed Cory Williamson raped Princess exactly two weeks to the day she died had they not seen it with their own eyes.

"When I got here we were laying on the deck looking at him and he had his pants down and he was doing sexual activity with the dog like a man would do to a woman."

The Jones family says Princess wouldn't eat or play anymore after the attack. "She (Princess) couldn't even sit down, her bottom was swollen sore."

Sylvia says she knows Princess was just a dog, but she wants people to know that Princess was also a part of her family. A family that now has been forever changed. "She looked so pitiful. It's sad, there was nothing I could do for her."

Neighbors worry that if Williamson is accused of raping a dog and molesting two girls in the same neighborhood, who knows what might happen next.

Neighbor Bill Johnson says, "As a community we shouldn't have to watch our kids every second they're playing. We want him out of this neighborhood."

The Solicitor's office says it wants to make sure Williamson is out of this neighborhood while he's awaiting trial on the molestation and dog rape charges so they are requesting that his bond be revoked. Williamson's bond hearing will be held next Friday.

Real

I'm a little upset, just because of the way I got chewed out in general, albeit by some people off the internet that I don't even know. The thing was this, someone made this thing where you post pictures of girls you think are pretty. The catch was they couldn't be like models and stuff like that, they just had to be regular girls. When it started out everyone post one or two pictures at a time.

Well I'm not going to post nude pictures of the girls, so all of mine were pretty much regularly dressed. I start getting yelled at because the girls I am posting aren't big breasted enough, or they're too skinny, too thick or whatever else. I put up with it for a while, but eventually I got tired of emails and stuff about it. So I just gave up and wrote this to them this morning:

Yeah I'm done with this thread in all honesty. If people are going to bitch about girls I've posted for being too whatever, and the thread is entitled "Real Girl Picture post" I don't have anything else to do with this. You guys don't seem to know what real girls look like. And in a way I have to agree with Carnage (another poster), that these big breasted, fake looking girls that everyone seems to be into, aren't what a girl looks like. Very few girls are blessed with looks that good and comments like "her nose is a little too long" show just how petty you all are being. A girl might have a little meat on her, especially if she's got a chest. If she doesn't have much of a chest then she's more than likely thinner.

It's not impossible to find someone who's thin with a chest. But its not common. Add to that gobs of makeup, what looks like some plastic surgery and other stuff and these girls everyone's going ape shit over aren't more than just someone's fixer up. I could take almost any girl who is kind of cute and with thousands of dollars of surgery or makeup make her look like that…thing is a girl doesn't have to be half naked to be hot, or super skinny, or big breasted.

I hope if any of you have daughters you sure as hell teach them that at least.

So that's it for me, I'm out.

I think that a lot of the time in today's society that this is the problem with the perception of other people. Each gender doesn't seem to know what regular people look like and they expect every guy they come across to look Brad Pitt and every woman like she's Jessica Simpson. I just got really pissed because I know those girls who get ignored for their little flaws. Some of them are great women and extremely beautiful and sweet. But the truth is they're not perfect enough.

Changes

This wee has been a very eventful one indeed.. A month ago I was having such a hard time. Actually a week ago things were not all that good. And then all of a sudden so much changed. On top of that things are there is still a lot for me to do and a lot on my mind right now. I am actually at work, just finishing up my shift and I don't think I have been this exhausted in sometime. It takes a special kind of tired to get like this. I can barely move and my whole body is cold.

I spent part of the night playing games with friends, the other part of the night I spent thinking about the story, about the comic I said I was going to do so long ago. I think that now I can make a conscious effort to do it and get on with it. I have had so much going on and I more than likely have a shit load of material to pick from. Let alone I have the story that I am writing and I am working hard to get all of my things in line to make the story more presentable in case I actually want to market it, which is the overall plan.

Bu right now, I am so tired, work has been hard on me tonight and I feel like I could sleep forever. I think I just might try. I still have fifteen minutes of work and I guess that I could try and do something in that time like finish cleaning up. But I just wanted to get something posted in this thing and let everyone know I am still using it and that I plan to keep using it just like I said.

Shameless Plug

Well this is more of a self plug than anything else. First and foremost I have to tell you that I have started an internet forum for writers. I am running it myself. I am overseeing it and I have complete control over it. That having been said, anyone is welcome to join. No part of it costs money and my hope is to grow as a writer and help others to grow.

The thing holding me back the most is that I will have to do leg work to get this thing off the ground. I need a little help honestly. More than anything I need people who know someone who wants to be a writer to simply tell them. It might seem like spamming or like this is rude. But I know there has to be other writers out there who want some forum where they can go and openly discuss things. We welcome all types of writing.

That having been said, I will move on to what I really wanted to say. I ended up watching Knocked Up the other night and I couldn't be more happy with the fact that I bought it. I had no idea I was going to like it so much. And what gets me the most about it is that it reminds me so much of me and my friends. The way they talked, the situations (besides the whole pregnancy thing, Super Bad's situation fit more). In my personal opinion the movies stay true to themselves, they get a message across in a way that you almost don't notice you're getting something. But when you leave you're really taking it with you.

I am just very glad that I watched these. And I hope that more people get to see them and can look past the vulgarity of it all, because underneath all of that is a real solid message. A message that's important because a lot of times in the world today, we don't get movies where people do the right thing. The right thing isn't popular.

Well I've got to go grab some food. The next little blog I do will more than likely be a story clip. See you then.

I Quit

I know that no one has really noticed it, but I haven't touched these things in a long time. I guess because I get tried of typing the same things every single time that I start to write in here. More likely than not I have written something, and I just don't post it because it all looks the same. Well lucky me, because today looks just like the last few months have. The cycle of self loathing and pretty much infinite sadness seems to be pretty much all I can muster these days.

It could be that this city doesn't feel like home to me anymore. Or it could be that I have been like this for a long time and my bad choices in friends, bad choices in people to trust and a lot of other bad choices are starting to catch up to me. It's only when I have time to sit and think, when I really have time to examine things that I realize how much I don't want to be most of the things that I am. And even more so, that I realize that I seem to have very little ability to change that.

Life gets hard, and sometimes I wish I could erase the last six years or so and just do them over again. I wish I could do things in high school different and start college different. I wish I knew back then what I know now. Mostly that you can't trust anyone, you can't because a lot of where I went wrong was trusting, was assuming people were friends. The people I know online have been more forthcoming with me than the people I meet in real life, that's just sad.

People telling me that I should go see a counselor should know I did that before, and I hated it. The lady couldn't be trusted because a lot of the things she said were uncaring. I don't want to be that uncaring. That might be the problem with the world, that no one cares and that a lot of psychological crap tells them that's alright because its how you're supposed to be.

It's a hard choice to make between being who you are, changing who you are, and lying about who you are to be who you want to be. Perhaps the last one is the easiest, but its also least rewarding. I think I have tried all three, and even lying is hard...but the thing is that none of them seemed to get results. Nothing has changed for me. And if this is how things will be, I honestly don't see a point in trying anymore. I'm just about ready to quit.

Stuck

It's a little after five AM and I am up sitting here at the house alone. I am just thinking about so many things that have happened over the past...I don't know how many months. Suffice to say I am trying to get these thoughts out of my head because most of them aren't good. And one in particular is of this girl that I miss terribly and just am afraid to admit it to her, or maybe I am afraid to admit to myself.

I can't get her out of my head, she's set up permanent shop there and I wish I could tell her how I feel, I know she doesn't feel the same way. No girl ever feels that way when it comes to me.

This is short because I have no idea what to say.

But I just want thoughts like this to go away...I want it all gone.

But, more than anything, I just wish I could hold her.

Dusk And Summer

Well this is my end of summer report...I guess we can call it that. If I had written this exactly a week ago, it would have been a totally different story. I would have had to say that this was the most uneventful and bland summer, and that besides the bad nothing happened that I could call something good.

Well I will have to take that back. I made a new friend and after that I could look back on the things that happened over this summer that weren't all bad. I really did spend most of the first half of the summer alone. I think that for someone who has depression this is really the right way to help them, am I right? But there were a few occasions I got to see my friends and just hang out with them. I don't count school because there such a time constraint and limit on what you can do.

Anyway, I also go to go see people like Brandon, Tarin, and Heather. It was nice seeing all of them, Brandon let me stay with him and we had some great times watching the Angry Video Game Nerd. We set up and talked, went outside and just had cigars and it was like old times again. That's something I really missed and kind of felt empty without. Rickey and I just hung out and talked, I kept him up just like old times. And Heather has been supportive and has helped me through some pretty hard times and all with my brother.

I didn't get to see Prentiss as much, but I talked on the phone with him often enough that it was the same. We are always the same and I am convinced that this is how we will continue to be. Tarin I only got to see one time and it was only for a few hours. It was awkward because her new boyfriend was someone I had never met and I am sure he didn't like me. He's not the type of guy I would hang around with but I would say that none of the guys she dates are. But it was still great to see her and I got some pictures out of the deal.

Also I got a lot of writing done this summer, and insane amount. And I am glad for that because I felt like I really wasn't getting anywhere before.

But one of the things that happened this summer that came out of nowhere was Kat, we met on a forum site for Naruto and was later realized that she lived like right across from me in another subdivision. I really only spoke to her because she went to school in San Marcos and knew Stephanie Adams. But in such a short time I made friends with someone who is eerily similar to me and just so much fun to be around. Thanks for being there Kat and making this summer so much better than it is.

Sadly the one thing I promised to do this summer, beat Final Fantasy XII, hasn't happened yet, because I am a lazy person and I hate keeping promises to myself.

Fortune Cookie

I haven't written in this blog in what seems like forever. In actuality there has been real reasons for my choice not to write as much in here. Collectively over the last few weeks I have written over fifty pages of stuff that was story alone, this does not include the papers for school. And as I write this right now I have two more papers ahead of me before I can rest.

This last week has been turbulent to say the least but it ended up being one of the best weeks yet. Having someone nearby who I could hang out with and just go out and do stuff with has been comforting. That sense of not belonging and just not having a place I've felt since, oh I don't know, about September of last year seemed lifted for a while in the last place I expected that to happen. Right here in Spring.

Its hard not to think of the fortune from earlier this week in the half assed cookie in which it was housed. You will face new challenge everyone reads this kind of stuff the same. The fortune is bad news, just eat the cookie and when you bad news comes it will seem less cosmic...you won't feel like God has an out for you if the cookie didn't tell you that you had this coming

But what if the challenge isn't a bad one, even though the cookie didn't tell you the answer it sure as Hell predicted what will happen. And as a person who usually scoffs that these sorts of things. I have to say that no challenge is without at least looking at to see if its worth taking on. Few will read this blog, even fewer will understand it, even less than that I will want to understand it.

But know this, the last few months have been turmoil, uncertainty, life changing. This week I had an epiphany, an eleventh hour awakening that has set me up for the next stage of life. And to think, a little strip of paper with a line of lotto numbers on one side and a sentence on the other might just have triggered it.

Cyber Love?

Someone asked me suddenly the other day if I thought it was possible to have feelings for someone whom you have never met in person. I didn't really answer the question, it was two thirty in the morning and I was having feelings for bed...strong ones. Other times I have been called crazy for getting so involved in the lives of people whom I have never really met or for worrying about them when they have trouble.

But the thing is that I have some friends online that I knew before I knew most of you who will read this, people I have talked to through phones and long emails, whom I spent rainy days IMing and chatting with. People who taught me to write, who read my first stuff, the really bad stuff, people who have been emotional support and who I hope I have provided some comfort to.

After all, I fell in love with a girl I only met once, and then talked to over the net for months after that. I cared for her more than I have any other single human being in my entire life and we just talked through emails for the longest time. Our communication came once a day and yet when it came and I knew it was on the way, I couldn't wait. There are few feelings in the world like getting an e-mail from another person, not a myspace message or a facebook wall post, but an honest to God e-mail. When she used to write them to me I would be so excited, I'd curl up in front of my boxy old monitor and hold my face close to the screen to read it.

I might read the thing over and over again before I would place it back in my inbox to rest, and I have several of them still saved even now.

Because she was telling me intimate details of her life and I was telling her some from mine, when we finally met up again in person, I felt close to her. I felt so close that I told her I loved her, because she was everything that I had ever wanted in another person and still is.

So to answer your question, I think that love can bloom anywhere, even in cyberspace. Here was a girl I liked bu I had no idea the substance of, until I talked to her online. Love is a strong thing, it has bloomed on the battle field and in dank hospital rooms. Even if we are to accept that the Internet is a cruel place, I believe that Love can still transcend that cruelty

Cursed Out in Class

So last night I got cursed out in a classroom. A classroom that was full of students and one teacher. Let me start out by saying I should have known that when I opened my mouth and said something I was going to start a fire. Even though what I said was something that I would think any reasonable person could agree was not offensive or controversial.

The way all of this started was with the topic of minorities in Sociology class. Now when you hear the word minority a lot of you are already thinking racially, but we talked about many kinds of minority. Another guy in the class who was white asked the question randomly about BET which as I am sure you are aware stands for Black Entertainment Tonight, I mean I think the 'T' is for tonight. I don't give a damn enough to go look.

Anyway, what he asked was 'What would happen if whites had a White Entertainment Tonight (or whatever that 'T' is for)'? Well I could tell where this was going, and after the teacher did her little explanation of how norms and culture trends I stepped in and simply said that the question that should be asked was, 'Why is there still a BET? There is nothing of quality on that station, nothing of substance, this a devoid hole. To quote myself from earlier, its a gaping goatseed anus on our TV dial.

You see, this is where you would think the argument started. But really it wasn't. The teacher bought up something else, I couldn't even hear her much, but she mentioned this neighborhood called Sienna Plantation, its a nice place, floods a lot but still nice. But this black lady cut in, over the teacher, her exact words were 'I don't see how any black person can live in a neighborhood with Plantation in the name.'

I simply said, 'It's just a word, any word is what you make of it.'

This woman started out semi-calm, 'How can you say that?' then I couldn't hear for a second, 'she said something about me not being black enough.' They teacher cut her off. Like ten seconds later she gets up out of her seat yelling and carrying on, telling me how I am an 'ungrateful fuck' then she said the dumbest thing. She asked, 'How can you say slavery is just a word?'

Did you see the word slavery anywhere in what I just typed until this point? I thought not. I tried to explain that Plantations aren't just for slaves, aren't just for blacks and that in South America they are still in use today to make coffee.

This is when she talked right over me and continued to curse, yelling and carrying on. At that point I shut down because you don't have to yell to talk. And I don't deal with crazy bitches, sorry but I have dealt with enough crazy people in my life. I don't have to hear it from one more. And anyone who flips out over the word Plantation...or even the word Nigger can go cry to someone who gives a damn, because I am tried of trying.

Eventually it calmed down, I didn't say anything back to her because she wasn't making sense and that's how crazy people are. In all honesty she's the same one who goes on and on about her good Christian crap and suddenly she can't forgive a bunch of people who died about five generations ago in the late 1800's? That's asinine if I have ever heard of anything being asinine and I dare anyone to argue with me how that opinion she brought up even makes sense.

I'll say this as quickly as I can because I am going to have to wrap this up. But the main problem with race relations is that people of the same race want to group together and blame others. Some of the most racist people I have seen are other blacks talking about whites and they think that anytime something happens to them its racially motivated. A lot of them don't seek to better themselves, they just complain about how its this other races fault they can't rise up. Well let me tell you, maybe if you read a book, got out and did something, got some culture, and I don't mean culture from a record store or a magazine, maybe if you stopped acting like anyone who doesn't have the same skin tone as you is out to get you, or like every time you do something wrong and get caught that its your race that made you get in trouble you wouldn't have such a hard time becoming a productive member of society.

And just in case anyone cared, the high school inside of Sienna Plantation is named after a black guy...

The Internet is for Complaining

I am kind of convinced that the internet is becoming a place where people can bitch about things that really don't need to be bitched about. Maybe this started because many of the first big voices on the internet were the people who really hadn't had a forum before and were able to share ideas. Maybe this is where this rise of complaining came from, when these people got into groups they would talk about how they hated things in popular culture.

Or this could be partly due to the popularity of Maddox back in the late 90's and his way of complaining about everyday things in life. But I doubt that anyone really took him seriously when he said these things. These days a lot of people feel the need to complain about everything from music to movies. And a lot of times it seems like they are doing it just to stand out or get attention.

When I said to someone who wanted me to watch the movie Crash with them that I would rather super-glue my asshole shut than watch that movie, its different than me getting online in a place where people are talking about the movie and blasting it without any real reasons. I can back up my hate of the movie Crash. People who are running around telling me that they hate the movie Transformers because it was made with more people than just the fans in mind need to just stop and think about what they are saying.

You want them to spend two hundred fifty million on a movie that probably one hundred thousand people are going to go see? That just doesn't make sense. Just because you didn't like it doesn't make millions of others wrong. Especially if your reasoning is that millions of others liked it.

Charade

Have you ever met that person that everyone else just seems to like but you can just tell there is something wrong with them, like their logic is flawed, their morals seem a little debunk. You can tell that this person is not as good as everyone thinks. And most of all no one but you seems to notice.

If you do try and tell someone what you have noticed you are usually met with the opposition claiming that jealousy is making you see things that way. But there is something telling you that this person is wrong, that they are not good. I know this guy, he is the goatseed anus of a nexus that everything bad about other guys pours out of (if you don't know what goatsee is, don't look it up. He is the guy who says one thing to the girls and turns around to his buddies and tells a totally different side of things.

He's what gives us a bad name.

I can't say to much else about him, because this will be on facebook where he can see it. But just know that someday everyone will see you for what you are, the charade won't last long.

Picky?

Allow me to be a little introverted here, something I normally don't do on this blog but I think that for what I am talking about the idea is appropriate. This time the focus is on me and the subject is one of preference, or taste rather. All of this is in response to a recent allegation that I am picky. I have to admit the idea of me being picky kind of caught me off guard. I don't think I have ever been called that.

Here are just a few things I have to say on the subject of my taste in women, I know many things I like aren't the norms; like how I love legs or girls with beautiful hair. At the same time I don't know why I like some of the things I like; like how I have this strange love for redheads. These things are just like that some of the time and we have to accept it.

Now all of the things above aren't factors for me not to be able to date a girl, but there are some things that a girl cannot have or do if I am going to date her. I think that everyone is like that because realistically you have to have some standards. For instance I wouldn't date a girl who took it upon me to bad mouth my religion. Basically you don't have to be Catholic or even Christian, but respect that I am and that its not some fairytale.

Now I think that this is totally acceptable, as are the rest of the things I look for in a person as signs not to date them. Why is that? Well simple, because I don't believe in dating someone just to date them. If I date someone its because I want to get married to them, otherwise I don't see a point in us wasting our time on each other. That might sound harsh, but its the truth.

I don't see it as a problem that I won't date someone who drinks too heavily or who isn't at least a little assertive, these are just things that I need to have in another person to be with them. If I know I can't spend the rest of my life with a person why should I go through the trouble of dating them. Dating isn't supposed to be for you to get more ass and rack up booty points, its a screening process for marriage. And if you try to argue with me otherwise I'll lay you out cold on with a retort.

I think that is the problem people have understanding me when I say certain things like how I would break up with a girl for asking for a threesome. You're damn right I would, and don't call me cruel. She was basically looking for a roundabout way to cheat on me. I'm not a picky asshole, really. I just have strength to stand up for what I believe I should have in another person.

WTF?!

Two blogs in one day? That's right I'm going crazy it would appear. I am excited though because its almost August and I am hoping I get to hear from Persephanie again. It would mean a lot to have that back in my life, to just secure things since I have lost so many friends for various reasons recently.

My friends have been some of the most important things to me over the years and to lose anymore would really just hurt. But actually gaining a real solid one back, someone I really cared for is the best possible thing right now. I might sound like everything this negative right now and all of this, I know some people might be pissed about the things I say and I'll say it before as I have, I don't usually care when people think I am saying something that pisses them off.

But I also don't think you should care so much about what I say. I continue to be nice to people despite the fact that I get walked on, I continue to try to make friends even when so many of them walk away, that's life right? Probably the best news about me in my current state is that I seem to have become the writer I once was. My writing has become crisp again and maybe heartache is my inspiration? I would hate that to be the case but who knows.

And to Kara: I try my best to never generalize as if its all women, I know several who are great people and don't do things like that...you included. I could name a lot of others. But one thing I will say is that women like you are hard to come by, people like you are hard to come by. There's not many good people left in the world and when someone says their a Christian or when someone says that they believe lying is bad, or that people should be straight forward its not always the case.

None of those things mean that the person believes what they are saying. I'm attracted to a certain type and it seems that some of them say the above things (I especially like religious women) and don't actually follow through on them. I know its sad really. But don't feel like I am talking to you when you read things like that. You have never been mean to me before and you're as far as I can tell the perfect kind of woman to date. Unfortunately there's not even enough of you out there...

Double Standard II

Someone tell me a good reason that women are allowed to be cowards? Tell me why some girl telling me that that I need to grow balls is allowed to turn around and cop out like nothing happened? I'm not sure if this has ever happened to any of you, most of the time when I ask someone out, I ant to do it in person. But there are circumstances where it must be done by e-mail or some other form of communication.

Without fail, almost every time that I have asked a girl out on an innocent date like this I didn't get a no, I got nothing. They never replied. When they world finds a person unappealing or ugly it looks through them like this, the same way we look through the hobo on the side of the road begging.

A simple no is all that has to be said, what do they think not saying anything at all is going to do for them? How much confidence does it take to tell some guy no? I mean I get told I need to get more confidence...why should I work so hard when it seems every girl I come across doesn't have the confidence to say no.

I work so hard to get something only to be ignored or disregarded and tossed aside, I don't want to get it then in the first place. I feel like I would be better off with a woman who wants to find someone with out resorting to these stupid fucking games.

My Kind of Trouble

It's not hard to find trouble, everywhere you look its there. Trouble is one of those things that no matter how much you want it to go away its always going to be just around the corner. Trouble is discouraging to us, it makes us just not want to do things. Depending upon the severity, things will be more and more effected. September 12, 2001 I just couldn't bring myself to draw. I didn't pick up the pencil for about six months after that. I don't know how that's connected, but drawing just didn't seem right. I had been drawing when I found out about the attacks.

My point here is that trouble is all around us. But at the same time trouble isn't the same for everyone. There's an opposite side of the coin, when things are head for one person or group, they might be tails for another. There's lots of good examples for trouble. Case in point, Jesus for the Romans. He was trouble, but the kind of trouble that brought them out of their period of excessiveness. In the same way, the United States was trouble for Hitler, but we stopped his tryanical reign. I think with just those two examples.

Well I am going to say this in the most awkward way I have heard it said. I actually saw it on this t-shirt. We need to strive to be the trouble we want to see in the world no revolution ever got started and was successful without creating a stir. A little trouble can be good for someone else. Taking the moral high ground doesn't have to mean that you get walked on, it doesn't have to mean you can lay down and let wrong be done.

Stand up and speak out when you see something wrong happening. Most of the trouble in the world that we don't want is furthered because no one speaks out. But it doesn't have to be the big things. If you see some jocks picking on the nerd, get in there and tell them its wrong. Tell someone what they are doing to someone else is wrong if it truly is.

People who know me know that most of the time in most situations I am good for speaking my mind, or just speaking without fail and unstoppably. When I take up a cause I think is right and know is right in my heart of hearts, I don't lay down easily and I might not do for myself, but I can do for others. Maybe that's what I am meant for. Boondock Saints as a movie is a good example of how we need to stand up for the right thing, even if the methods are taboo.

Go out there and be the trouble you want to see in the world, rattle cages, and tell people the truth. Most of all just because someone doesn't agree doesn't make you wrong, even if most people disagree, doesn't mean they are right. It seems more and more that most people don't do the right thing anyway.

Update...

I really haven't had anything that I have thought was worth writing about in a while, but a little bit of good news. I heard from a friend I hadn't heard from in about three years the other day and that was really good. I have only talked to her a little but needless to say I am pretty happy to hear from her again.

I have been drawing again and writing, doing all of the old things that I used to do and I am not sure what cause me to do them really. I sat and did six pages last night at a Starbucks and I realized that part of my problem is I need an environment like that to write well. I need to be out of the house.

I am wanting to move out now, not sure where or when yet...but I need to be a little more independent. I need to have some time to work on things and get some writing done. I am going to start working on what to do next now though.

I guess the most unsurprising thing that I met a girl, I don't want to say much about her but I think she seems pretty nice. I will tell more later.

Never Cease

People never seem to be able to stop being a disappointment, they waste countless amounts of my time and their own by forging things only to throw them away at the drop of a hat.

You Might Be Trying to Be Nice, But You're Still a Liar

I'm going to tell you exactly why women shouldn't ever try to talk about how much guys lie. It's actually quiet simple and you can sport it all over sites like facebook and myspace. To put it all in very simplified terms, just look at your profile; do you see where it has the marker for relationship status.

Now, you would be hard pressed to find a guy who has that he is looking for dating or a relationship who would turn down a girl whom he is attracted to. If he did turn down a girl for any reason he would more than likely just tell her no. He might give a reason.

What you don't do is give some reason because you think it will make a guy feel better. I am going to tell you straight up, some of us maybe pretty damn dumb, but all of us using these sites can at least read, or maybe its that words elude you. But last time I checked you having Dating or a Relationship under looking for meant that you can't tell some guy who asks you out "I'm just not looking for someone right now."

I mean no matter how you try and spin it, you're a liar. Either you lied on your profile, or the more logical choice is that you're lying to the guy. Let a girl ask me if I want to go out with her, I'll tell her no if I don't want to. It might hurt her feelings but she won't be running around thinking there's some chance. And if you right after that start dating anyone else, they're going to know you lied so what's the use. Just stop thinking you're doing someone favors and tell the truth. It reflects bad on you. Learn to say no and be a damn grownup.

Ruin and Creation

After working on it since September I am happy to say that the first book in my series was finished last night around eight at night. I would have posted this last night but I got so happy I ran off to play Final Fantasy XII, promptly got my ass handed to me, and remember why I had stopped playing FFXII in the first place...

Anyway the story came out to be exactly seventy pages long, deals with the introduction of most of the major characters that will be seen in the series, starts off the first story arc, and introduces the main villain of the first story arc. Overall I am happier with this one than I have ever been with the other drafts of this same story. And I am ever happier to say that it's my very first completed story written entirely in first person. My new found confidence last night caused me to stay up until almost four in the morning playing Final Fantasy and thinking of a promise I made to get this story done before August...and here it is. Done.

Maybe the abundance of thought is why my playing was such shit last night. I realized while playing that even though I know the Final Fantasy series like the back of my hand, my mind as a strategic fighter sucks ass. I could never command forces in the military or anything like that. I mean I can't keep track of three people who I have control over totally with time freezing when I go to menu select...

Guess this is why I stick to writing. I have mind that allows me to see storylines and events in my mind and keep all of this stuff in order. Well needless to say I am a little happy about this...if anyone wants to take a look at the story just ask me. It's not refined yet but it's readable.

Now its on to the next in the series, which I wrote a draft for earlier and didn't finish and now I'm just going to start over from scratch...wish me luck.

Busy

Suffice to say I really have had much to write about lately. Things aren't great but they aren't super bad either. I have been writing like a mad man every chance I get. Planning and doing things as fast as I can get them down and the more i do the more I have to take note and make sure to remember for future stories.

I made a new friend the other day, kind of spur of the moment too. She's a pretty cool person and someone I think I can talk to without all of the bullshit that usually ruins friendships. And the thing on my mind most now is that it's July, and August is next month. August its going to be very important for me.

Yesterday I met up with Becca and took some picture, a lot of them came out great and I am just looking over them right now to see which ones get to go into photoshop first. I have been drawing some too, I am supposed to do one for Becca and some othere people but here's what I have so far.

Album Reviews - Like Vines

1. "We Intertwined"
2. "A Dark Congregation"
3. "Sweet Tangerine"
4. "Lions Roar"
5. "Lighthouse"
6. "Don't Wake Me Up"
7. "Where We Went Wrong"
8. "Magnolia"
9. "Wine Red"
10. "Out Through The Curtain"
11. "You Are The Moon"

Artist - The Hush Sound

Album -Like Vines

Genre - Indie Rock

Release - 2006

Label - Fueled By Ramen

Summary: The Hush Sound is an Indie Rock quartet who found their beginings in Chicago, Illinois. The founding members Bob Morris and Greta Salpeter met in when she was in the seventh grade and he was in the tenth. Bob being a bit of a rock performer and herself being trained in classical piano, they were seen as a bit of an odd couple. Both Bob and Greta sing. When the band officially formed in 2004 their roster included two new members, Chris Faller who was on bass and vocals and Darren Wilson also on vocals while serving as drummer. Greta plays piano and sings, while Bob plays lead guitar and sings. This means everyone in the band severs a dual purpose. The bands first album was called “So Sudden”.

Review: I remember the first time I heard The Hush sound, I was on the myspace of a friend’s little sister and a song was playing. ‘Wine Red’ was the name of the song that I heard and its actually track nine on this album. I was blown away by Greta’s vocals (she takes lead in this song) and all of the parts of the band coming together to seem like one singular unit. When I first heard the song I thought that for sure this would be the only thing to stand out on their album. With a few downloads of some of their other stuff I was proven wrong, “Where We Went Wrong” solidified my assurance that Bob Morris was also a good vocalist and that the bands somber and hauntingly beautiful sound was prevalent throughout their music. I think one of the highlights of this album are the back and forth singing of Greta and Bob near the end of “Where We Went Wrong” with the line ‘hey come back to me’.

I purchased the album in December of 2006 with some money I had for Christmas. It was so important to me I braved the Best Buy the morning of December 26. When I listened to the rest of the album so many other things stood out. The mellow songs and their soothing sound has graced the six disc changer in my car every since that day, only being removed to accompany to other cars and in my CD player. Probably the most stand out song of this collection is number five entitled “Lighthouse”. The song tells a story and is mostly piano melody and Greta singing. It wafts from your speakers carrying with it a torrent of emotion and feeling that just pull you in. I remember being captivated as I listened to it the first time. Other highlights on this album include “A Dark Congregation” and “Sweet Tangerine” (which actually has some special meaning for me). All and all I love this whole album and am lucky to have been pointed in the direction of this band. I would recommend it to any rock fan, whether they like pop-rock, alternative, or almost anything else falling under the blanket of rock and roll. Actually one of the more surprising things about this album is it’s versatility. My parents like it, my brothers, my sister, many of my friends and other people who normally don’t agree with my musical tastes. I’d recommend anyone who hasn’t heard this album check it out.

Artist’s Other Works – “So sudden”, “Snakes on a Plane Soundtrack” (Wine Red)

If you liked this album then check out… Straylight Run