What You Need...

I would like to say a word about this past week. It really hasn't been the best week, in fact the only good news I got was my new game. Now I really don't know where I am headed anymore, I don't have that compass and I'm afraid that I haven't had it in such a long time. Nothing I wanted to do seems to be working out, and I am afraid that school is something I just can't do much longer. Furthermore, I did something really bad over the weekend. Or thought something really bad. But if you take the Bible literally, thinking it is just as bad as doing it.

I think even that is figurative, but still the fact that I thought this scares me, because more and more these types of things are starting to make sense to me. It's never right to abandon a friend, is it? I had a long talk with Brandon, not the Bronze Man, the other one. We talked about something that I heard a speaker at a church say about giving up on friends that didn't do you any good.

Even though Brandon and I both agreed that this might not be the best course of action, I still thought about just not talking to one of my friends from now on. I told myself it was because I didn't want her to be near me, it hurt too much. But that was a lie, I sat in my car after I left a friends and I thought about it. I thought about how I was really feeling. And I realize I was just tired of seeing my friends hurt and in pain, not just her, all of them. With the exception of a few, I have had to sit there while a friend is torn up over something or other.

I can't describe how it feels to watch someone you really care about hurt themselves over and over, or just get hurt. If any of you remember when I used to like this one girl last year, I won't name her because in all seriousness I don't want her to even know I remember her, but when I used to talk to her, all she could do was hurt herself. Sometimes physcially, other times it would be something like doing things she knew weren't going to go well.

I didn't want to stand by and watch that anymore, I thought back to what got said at that church, and then I remembered something else said in a lot of churches, "turn the other cheek". If someone hurts you, especially unintentionally, then at least give them one more change. I got intentionally hurt by someone last year, and that caused me to get really mad at someone who didn't deserve it. I didn't even give them the benefit of the doubt because I was basing everything on past experince.

Past experience can help in some cases, but not all people are the same and consequently they will not react alike. Instead of throwing it in my face when I went to talk to her, she told me something that I never knew I wanted to hear, but when I heard it I know that was really all I needed. When someone tells you that you made them believe in something again, it can mean a lot.

I can see how things come full circle, I talked about helping others not too long ago, and its hard to see results sometimes, but when anyone you used to know comes up to you and says certain things, it feels good, maybe its not what you wanted to hear, but it might be just what you needed.

Well I better get out of here so I can get some writing done, with that game in there sitting in this close a proximity to the Playstation could cause me to get sucked in again.

_{Greg, you're still dead.}

Hiding

I just feel like something is wrong, I'm not sure what it is, or what triggered it. Right now I'm at home, working on my paper for tomorrow in class and I can't concentrate on it at all. There is just too much going through my head for me to even be able to count it all. What can I really say that won't give too much away? I'm having friendship issues, trying some new things out and just trying to keep a clear head.

But keeping your head clear is really hard when certain things are going on. I took that drive last night to clear my head, it felt so good just to get out and to be able to think about some of the things going on. I didn't figure out of what I needed to, but I think that one way or another, things will all work themselves out.

Today was interesting, I woke up pretty late, mostly because I went to bed late. I went out and sat and wrote for a few hours and it felt really good. Writing helped me do a lot more thinking. Usually when I can't get something off my mind, I can't write, but it was the opposite this time and that's good because I don't need to have writers block right now (or ever).

There's a lot worrying me, even through all of the down time I have had and I can't even put most of it into words. But I don't see and solution for it that doesn't involve wait and see. I have to go finish writing, and sure as I am doing that, I will be thinking the whole time.

Emotional Waystation

I love listening to my friends, hearing their problems and stuff, and sometimes I'll talk about mine. Mostly with certain people, because that's just how things go. I mean you look out for your friends and shit like that, am I right. Well I have a problem with someone takes advantage of this, espeically when its someone who I should have never cared about in the first place.

I'm content to help others, to talk them through things if they need or to just sit and listen...sometimes that is the most important thing. But if you're going to come to me and tell me what the problem is, knowing that its a problem and just hope by the grace of some fantasy god that I will somehow be able to make it seem like whatever it is that you are doing is right and make you feel better, you're wrong. I speak the truth about how I see things for the most part, you have to be really special for me to sugarcoat it. Really special.

So what is this saying to all of you? Well if you're willing to listen to me talk sometimes and offer support, and willing to actually listen to my advice and support instead of just waiting for me to agree that the wrong thing that you did was right, I would love to talk to you. If not, I'm not here to be your emotional waystation.

Not An Action of Inaction

It's bad when your mouth is sown shut by circumstance, when you're not physical barred from speaking, but you know that your words can only do harm. Maybe if you thought that fanning the flames with these words would pass quickly and have little effect in the long run you could do it, you could jump through this and offer up what little hurt comes out of it. Did you ever have something you wanted to say, something that might hurt someone, something that might just hurt someone and do them no good, or it could just hurt a little and be a moment of clarity for them.

You're so afraid to hurt someone that you just jump on th grenade, hoping that it will blow soon but it doesn't. Do you think it noble to hold these things in and let them eat you up inside? I have been thinking about a lot of the things I see going on around me. You know how when someone is bullshitting and you can tell, its almost like you can smell the shit. But you keep your mouth shut, and you don't say anything because it's not your place.

You wonder where along the line did knowing the truth become a liability. I said something to someone last night, in the heat of a conversation and I meant it. I just said it because it needed to be said, so often I sit there and I say things when they absolutely have to be said, but this time, I said something that needed to be said a long time ago. I said it because quite frankly I think that its true and I don't know why its okay to say it in the company of women, but the second your boys are around there is some problem.

If what I said makes it seems like my values have changed, they haven't. They have been the same for quite some time, and you can call me judgemental or old fashioned, but I don't care it's bullshit. They're just the values that I think cause the least harm to others who deserve less harm. Why harm those that have done nothing other than exist.

I really don't have much to say right now, and I can't give away the exact nature of what was said. But you can bet that it's a big step for me to take. All too often we say we are taking action, but all that action really is could be some fancy way of taking inaction. Well this is me taking action.

A Box Of Chocolates

I may not have all of the answers, or even a blog entry for the day, but I do have a new take on an old favorite, take it however you will.

"Life... is like a box of chocolates. A cheap,
thoughtless, perfunctory gift that nobody ever
asks for. Unreturnable, because all you get back
is another box of chocolates. You're stuck with
this undefinable whipped-mint crap that you
mindlessly wolf down when there's nothing else
left to eat. Sure, once in a while, there's a
peanut butter cup, or an English toffee. But
they're gone too fast, the taste is fleeting. So
you end up with nothing but broken bits, filled
with hardened jelly and teeth-crunching nuts, and
if you're desperate enough to eat those, all
you've got left is a... is an empty box... filled
with useless, brown paper wrappers.

There's A Lot More To Say But I'm Too Lazy To Say It.

I'm a little sick right now, which is why I'm doing my normal routine of drinking water and abstaining from using the A/C. For those of you tired of me and my stupid long hair, that I have the need to pull on it seems, I will be getting it cut today. Have you ever been so scared to check your bank account for fear you had overdrawn, well I was, then I checked and it was cool, so I was like, yeah haircut time.

Besides that there's not a lot to say right now, there was a fun birthday celebration last night that saved me from the boredom of Mortal Kombat. There's the fact that so much is flying through my mind right now about so many different things, and then there is the fact that Greg's stupid cat farted on us...in all fairness we were trying to put her in the freezer, but its not ladylike to fart.

Looking Back On Today

So I just finished working on something that has taken me the better part of the last tow hours and I thought to myself, You haven't posted a blog since your little epiphany the other day. I would like to than Rickey and Vanessa for their insight into what I wrote. I have had an uneventful day, I know I have things to do but I don't feel like doing them, I don't feel like doing anything. I know I will have to talk to my teacher tomorrow in class and see if we can work something out. I totally blow at this whole school thing.

Even though I feel a lot better about somethings, I feel a lot worse about my school situation. I don't know what to say. Also I really miss having a roommate, just someone to talk to. I found myslef narrating to myself today about something I was doing, like I had a fucking cooking show or something. It scared me. Luckily I had a phone call from an old friend, someone I really missed at lot. Mandi, it's funny because Heather and I were just talking about going to see her soon, and I really am looking forward to that trip. I love Mandi and I love hanging out with her. She was like my best friend from Freshmen year, and one of the only friends who I met in my first semester who didn't turn on me in someway.

She and I talked about stuff and she just asked what was up and what was going on. Mandi is the person I could always go to just so I could talk about anything. If I felt bad, if I just wanted to talk, anything. I was the same for her, we used to talk for hours and hours sometimes, or sometimes we would just sit and hang out. I remember I was so sad the day she moved away. She was the first person I really cared about to leave for Austin because of the CAP program.

So after that I went to go see Greg, needless to say I almost died three times just driving there, I hyrdoplaned once and my car got pushed off the road by water. It was not a too fun experince. And if you know my car, it ain't small by any means. So when I made it to Greg's I stayed put, watched him play that wretched Mortal Kombat game and just chilled the fuck out. Thank God I'm okay.

Well there is a lot to do later on today, I might talk to Mandi again, I might go hang out with some friends. (I ran into Dante and Jon at the Wal-Mart, they're having a BBQ later) Whatever happens today just know things are better. I'd like to say Happy Birthday to Crystal and Lainey though, their both twenty today, which means one more year until they can both drink...isn't twenty a fun age.

Oh, and twelve more days until Final Fantasy XII.

If Nothing We Do Matters...All That Matters Is What We Do.

It's funny how someone you hardly know can change your prespective on things, just when you thought they had gotten to the worst point that they could. Humans are strange creatures, we strive so much to be so much more than was ever expected of us, at times we just turn out to be bad people, and its really not always our fault, it can start before we are born. Other times we slowly become bad over time, we hear things so often that tell us we're not good enough that you start to think, "maybe, just maybe I should stop trying to be the way I am, its not working." But I think that even if we don't realize it, we're making a difference just by being the way we are.

I think I have said this before, but it stands to be said again, it's a quote from one of my favorite telelvision shows, Angel. The quote goes like this "If nothing that we do matters, all that matters is what we do". I will explain it all quickly, Angel went through half a season just being on the wrong path, fighting for the wrong reasons, and this is the episode where he hit rock bottom and picked himself up. The whole exchange goes like this:

• Angel: Well, I guess I kinda - worked it out. If there is no great glorious end to all this, if - nothing we do matters, - then all that matters is what we do. 'cause that's all there is. What we do, now, today. - I fought for so long. For redemption, for a reward - finally just to beat the other guy, but... I never got it.


• Kate: And now you do?


• Angel: Not all of it. All I wanna do is help. I wanna help because - I don't think people should suffer, as they do. Because, if there is no bigger meaning, then the smallest act of kindness——is the greatest thing in the world.

The smallest act of kindness, that's all you need to know, because that's all that matters really. When you get through everything, you just have to keep going, keep working at getting better and getting there. I'd like to thank Vanessa and Stephanie for talking to me, both of them were a great deal of help. And just to PJ, aka Prentiss, for things somehow making sense all of the time. But really thanks to everyone, because I have learned something from all of you. But I need to go now, I am supposed to be doing other things.

End of the World?

Something is wrong, let me start at the begining. Last week I went to the Quarry with Crystal, there were like three birds on the ground that had smacked into windows. I made a joke about it being the end of the world or a bad omen or something.

This weekend there's an Earthquake in Hawaii, and Houston floods, I don't know about the rest of the world, but something is up. It seems all a little bit too Apocolypse Nowish. Now I know the Bible says no one knows the day or the time, but it just seems...that something is wrong in the world.

PJ says as long as it happens after the PS3 release he's fine, although I bet they have PS3 in Heaven, with the best 1080p televison that all Gods large sums of money can buy, but isn't anyone else scared?

Vanilla Ice

I forgot to tell the story, but anyone who was here in town might know about this already. Vanilla Ice was here preforming, and Heather and I saw him at the Chili's. Heather and I were just hanging out doing what we do best, catching up. And there's this waitress you used to go see at the Chili's would you believe that she remembered us from like almost a year ago? Well not quite a year, but like nine or ten months.

But anyway, we asked our waiter if she was there, and he told us she was, and we knew it, we saw her. Well he had her come over to our table and we talked to her for a while. Well she told us that Vanilla Ice was sitting in her section, we could see him in a black cap if we just went over there.

We actually didn't make the trip over there to see him, but when we were leaving Heather and I peeked around the side of the window by the door and we could see him sitting there. I remember saying outloud, "I wonder what the Hell he drives?" Heather looked at me and laughed lightly, she didn't say anything. And then I went on to say "I bet its some old beat up car..."

I never was a Vanilla Ice fan.

Saturdays

So I just finished catching up on some of my reading, and I felt it neccessary to come in here and write a proper blog entry about what has been going on. For those who don't know, the comic is going well, I am trying to keep it up and try to stay current. For once I actually have ideas. Someone didn't like the last one, I wonder who that could be...Greg...but most people seemed to think it was okay. I really just wanted to test out the waters before I go and try to hit on other subjects. I am trying to pick between three or four diifferent comments that I could draw for this week, and of course there are some I favor more than others, but its hard to pick.

For the most part today has been a bust, I talked with Persephanie some, which was good because I haven't done that in the longest. Of course last night I hung out with Heather, so things are starting to even out. I'm getting to see some of the people that I miss. I just hope I can go into this week with a clear mind and get some real stuff done.

Well I have to get to finding something to do, I'll be around.

Wayside

Have you ever felt like someone was ignoring all of the things you do? Writing over them as if they never happened? Alright, multiply that by thirty.

Release

This is how I feel today, I feel like someone kicked me in the chest, I don't know why. But I came home last night fine. I came home and I just got to the computer, I was talking to PJ and Crystal, then suddenly it felt like someone had drained all of the energy in my body. Mostp eople will just say eat something or get some sleep. I did those things and now my diaphram hurts. Like I can feel it moving slowly. It's painful and I know that ther's some cause. Maybe it was being out last night during the cold weather coming in, maybe it was something else, maybe it was the short sleep I got the other day. Either way the cause doesn't matter. I feel like I got beat up real bad by someone who likes to give only body hits.

So I don't know if I can do this anymore, after this December I don't know if I will be here anymore, namely because I don't think I can make it in college. I am going to keep trying, but I don't know what else I can say. I'm bad with my time management, I'm bad with timing, shit, I am bad with anything to do with time. I'm mentally exhausted, I'm physically exhausted and I never have been much for trying. Trying anything has always rubbed me the wrong way, I can't say that its a good thing about me, I'm stubborn at times. Ask my parents, they can tell you.

Inside, there I are things I know need to be done, need to be said, need to be taken care of like nowish, before this week ends. Why am I so scared to start on doing them all? How the Hell am I stressed out before I even get to the stressful part, how is this happening? On top of all this school stuff going on, I miss my friends at home. Well mostly I miss PJ, John and my brother (my brother and his family really).Shit, I miss some of my friends here, Heather I haven't seen in a month, Persephanie longer than that. They're both so great to have around and just to hang out with, then there is people like Tarin, whom I saw last night, but it was the first time in a long time. Next to that I have the fact that I like a girl, generally like her for who she is. But I just wish I knew more about her, and I don't feel like she's ever going to open up just because of things that have happened in the past.

So to anyone who has ever gotten onto me about male bashing can kiss my ass, and fuck men that pull shit like this. I am tired, fucking sick and tired of every friend I have telling me how some guy this, that and the other thing and tried only to use them and stuff. I am tired of watching guys try to use girls. So you want to know why I fucking hate most guys, this is exactly why.

And people ask why I'm so synical all of the time, its because the only way you can smile in this world half of the time is to make fun of it, there's no other safe guard you have against terrorists, war, sexism, cheating, racism and people just generally being assholes. So I'm going to try something new now, it might not be the best approach for me, but I might just try staying quieter. I'm just going to shut the fuck up for a while, because that seems to be the only thing that makes sense to me. I'm going to try at school, but I can't make guarentees. I'm going to see Heather today, and I'm going to go home when I can and see my friends there. And as for that girl, I'm just going to be nice and let things go where they will, because that's all I can do. This is really the first time I've been in a position like this. oh and more blogs, expect to see more blogs, I am going to start doing more of them, just to keep records of things.

Well right now I need to get up from here, I need to go to the store and get some stuff, I need to drink some water because my whole pain thing is acting up again. I wish I had some pain medicine or something, all I have is these shitty vitamins my mom brought me, those won't make a damn bit of difference I know. But I will be back later today. I might even write something.

Hell Week

Normally I would be wide awake right now, but for some reason I am wiped out, I think that I have been over stressing about all of the work I have due. I pretty much stayed in the Dark Room today for a good three hours, it was rough, you really get tired of being in there because its just so awkward spending that much time in a place that dark. And on top of that I ruined some of my paper because of something, I can't figure out what did it.

I talked to my brother today for a good long time, and I don't even really know what brought it up, he just called and we talked. Don't get me wrong, not the one that I lived with, this is the one that lives in Houston still. While I was on the phone with him my nieces and nephew came home from school and one of them asked how come I never come to see them, it has been so long and I really do miss them, I might have to make a special trip home. I really don't like being home if I don't have to though because its just not the happiest place to be, but I feel I have to go home now.

So tonight before I go to bed I should have some of this report done, and I should have some research for it done so it looks like I actually did something. I am not sure how long the report should be, but I think two and a half pages sounds about right. I just hope that I can do that much on the subject matter, and I hope that I can for once do something right for this class. For some reason this year seems harder than previous ones, I really think I need to work out more time to myself, because it seems like some of the most fun that I have is when I have time to sit and thing, and too often I don't get that. Either that or I hang out with people and for some reason do things I don't want to be doing really.

Well once this week is over, I can rest some and go at a more regular pace, just can't wait until this week is over.

Hope

You can step to the edge of your own little world and look around, from way up here you can see all of the trees, you can look down into the valleys of your life and the peaks of its mountains, somewhere down there is everything you have accomplished, all of your hopes and dreams and everything you have wanted and lost. From up here it will all seem so miniscule. From up here even the biggest span of life will seem like nothing more than a short trip.

I can tell you that looking back at the way things have gone for me I have learned not to get to hopeful about things, I have learned that I shouldn't always expect the best, because people have a tendancy of letting you down. And others that say trust in God or Love or things like that don't realize, that God doesn't mess with free will, and Love depends on two people.

Hope is a strong thing, hope is like the second strongest emotion I would think, its like Agent Mulder on X-Files said, "For a long time when I walked into my room I would close my eyes because when I opened them I expected her to be there, just laying in bed like nothing had happened. Scully, I'm still walking into that room." Of course he was talking about his little sister, the thing is, I think we're all walking into that room. We all have something that we hold onto hope for.

Hope will last as long as the there are Humans, because the Human Heart is the only place that Hope can reside. I'm not the most hopeful person, but I still have hope, I still hold onto something and know that something will happen in my heart. It's hard not to, because without hope I really don't think we're very much Human.

So Damn Unsure

Sometimes we get the liberty of falling asleep to dream or think of things, we may lay there for any amount of time and just think back on several events. Tonight I wasn't given that liberty. I was made to come home and just reflect on everything, only to notice how I feel about so many things. I need to do some serious searching for what it is I want, when it pretains to everything. And sometimes, like right now, what I really want I don't even really want to say, because I am still too scared of what might come out.

Other times, what I really want just seems to far out of reach. So what can I really do about all of this? That's what has been on my mind almost constantly for the longest time now, and I am seeking a way just to survive all of this. I don't know any other way to be. Things are getting harder and harder it seems and it seems the more I look around there are more tests to face. Most of them I tend to see coming or somehow just be prepared for them. But not always and some of them catch me totally off guard.

I'm not sure what do or say now.

New

Sunday thru today, update

I'm up right now because I didn't sleep at all last night, I stayed up, all through the day and didn't get to go to bed until about midnight. When I did finally get to bed I fell out. All and all, I was gone, dead to the world. I would have had nothing but bad to say about this day if it hadn't been for the part of the day that took place after five-thirty.

Let me back up, just for a bit. It's been a while since I really wrote anything in here that was worth reading. Tuesday night, my parents called unexpectedly and wanted to tell me that they were going to be in town, and not only that...they were coming here and wanted to sleep in my bead, which means I have to sleep on the floor. See this is the reason behind me sleeplessness. My floor isn't bad, when you have pillows and blankets, I had a makeshift pillow made out of a towel, not really the same thing.

So I had about an hour and a half of sleep, but really only like forty-five minutes counted. So I ended up staying up all night long, just because I couldn't sleep, my parents left the next morning, but not before there were some more problems with my bank account. We got them squared away, needless to say, and I went home under the guise that I was going to get some sleep, but when I arrived back here, I realized that I couldn't.

So I stayed up, I was supposed to meet up with a friend today at five thirty for dinner and a movie after that. Let me go back and explain that little bit of things. Sunday night I was playing around on facebook, and I came across a random girl and I poked her, she poked me back almost immediately, which I was kind of shocked by because it was pretty early in the morning and I figured I was the only person on facebook doing what ever it was that I was doing.

So I poked her back, and she did it again and one of us sent the other a wall message, there was a few of those back and forth (for those who don't have a facebook, the wall is like a bulletin board where messages are posted by you and other memebers, all members who can see your page can read it, so it lacks privacy, each person has their own, but what it lacks in privacy it makes up for in continuity between friends). So we posted a few of those back and forth, still doing the whole poke thing, and finally she just IMed, which I found odd because I was just about ask premission to do the same to her.

Well she and I got along pretty well and the next day I invited her to Luby's with me and Greg...you don't understand Greg and I fucking love Luby's. I have never really met anyone off facebook like that intentionally. Like I may friend someone and randomly run into them later, but that's different. Usually I'm just not this bold.

So last night she and I went to go see Last Kiss, with Zach Braff from Scrubs and Garden State. I pretty much only wanted to see it because I saw the trailer on Myspace.com and Zach Braff is bad ass. I won't go into details, but I will say that its pretty good and I actually enjoyed it. Before we went to see the movie, I actually cooked too, and it turned out very good. We went and had icecream (that was random).

What stood about most about all of this is the fact that here is someone I can talk to well. Someone who seems to know what the Hell I am talking about, I don't get that much. Its not an intellgent thing, its like someone who thinks you mean what you mean, you know. Well I need to get more napping in.

I hung out with Greg, some after all of that, but I got super tired suddenly and almost didn't make it home. I had been up too long like I knew I had. It appears I suck at this whole thing now days, before I could stay up three days straight and function.

Seventeen

Did anyone else know that there have been 17 school shootings this past year already? Does anyone else feel cheated to find this out. I don't watch the news but the internet should at least tell me all of this, and then two of them happened at the same time on the same day...what the hell is going on?

Eh, I will be writing here more later, but for now that is all.