I Am Jack's Last One of '05

Well here I am, no I'm not dead and aliens didn't capture me, I went back to Houston for a few days and anyone that knows anything about my internet in Houston should know that there is no way in hell that I can easily upload a blog entry from there, I've actually thought about doing it from my new cellphone at times, I got a new one. Not for Christmas but because the old one was broken.

So I guess people are wondering how my holiday went...do the words I'm ready for it to be over give any hints, if so please tell me. I am tried of this time of year. Everyone is cheery right? Well everyone except for most of the people in my imediate vacinity. Heather, you don't count, you're always cheery.

I don't really have much to say, but in a few short hours it shall be the new year, thanks for all sticking around, this is the last hurrah of 2005...may there be many more!

I Am Jacks's Wind

The winds of change are blowing, why? I don't know. Maybe its because I have something here that I didn't see before. Maybe its because I am finally starting to see things they way I should have all along. But there is something I promised I would do for someone. I wanted to go back to the begining of a story. And this, this is my story,this is why I'm a cynic, sometimes rude, sometimes compassionate and always looking to find something behind what's going on, looking for what there is to learn from the situation.

When I say a story, most people will think that a story has to have an ending. I don't think that this one does. I think that this one is on going and I am at the point where I can look back, this is the halfway point.

This story starts when I was younger, and this story may seem like its all about girls, but there's more to it if you look just beneath the surface. In junior high I got my first crush, well I thought she was cute before that, but it was then that I really wanted to do something. Her name was Amie, and as a matter of a fact, I owe her a dance to this very day. Back then I thought that being a man meant liking big breasts, getting old enough to drink and cut a fool and just being macho.

This was in sixth grade. I thought money was the most important thing, and that you could do whatever you wanted to women and if they got mad, fuck em, and if they got pregnant then abort it. My how I have changed huh? I wanted to be one of the guys and they never let me, I wanted to have the hottest girlfriend with the biggest breast and I didn't look at personality at all.

Seventh grade came, and I had English class right next to Amie. I had been more than rejected by most of the cool guys who did the things I wanted to do like make out with girls and other stuff that I only whispered to my friends in the bus seat on the way home.

And sitting there, Amie accepted me, and not only that, she was nice to me. And she had a personality that was winning and sweet and I just couldn't believe it. I had spent that first year of school thinking of her like a lifeless doll to do what you wanted with, I had thought of her as most men on myspace think of the girls they add for looks. I had seen this shell of a person, I didn't look at the soul within.

Well that was the first thing that happened that made me hate how I had been, and I hated other men for being that way. It was odd, my friends like PJ and John weren't like that. They were sensible and I fit in with them, but in my mind I was evil, pure bad and terrible, there is no other way to describe it.

And when I changed I started to act different, I wanted to be better and to develop a personality that made me a better person. Amie and I kind of got to be friends and well when the next year rolled around I got a crush on another girl, Keena. I wanted to do any and everything for her and I cried over her even, it was the first time I cried over anyone besides myself. And I remember I told her I loved her as a friend too, it was the first time I had told anyone that, even in a friendly way. And even though I'll tell John and PJ that I love them like brothers now back in Junior High to say such things was considered gay and shunned. No one wanted to be called gay, that was the worst back then.

When I was forced to leave my friends and go to private school I had to say bye to Keena and my other friends and we all grew a part for a while. Some of them ended up engulfed in drugs, others took to new friends, relationships, and just their own thing.

Its hard to say this, but I miss those days in the last year of Junior High, life was so simple. No one ever wanted sex from girls, at most they'd just go down on them and vice versa, that was the extreme. Getting a kiss was satisfying for everyone! it was enough to hold hands, and she was your girl and you were hers. I wanted that so bad. I just wanted another person to confide in and to be around. Someone who wanted to be with me and only me and I saw it all around me. It hurt on the inside, it really did.

High school, I don't have much to say about it, the guys got worse and they did things like run sexual experiments on girls. I couldn't wait until more of them felt like me, until more guys respected and were nice to women, at least to their faces.

Last year, Freshmen year here I got royaly messed over, I got into something with a girl that never went anywhere and proved to be a waste of time. I caused myself more pain than I needed and I went after someone who was not what they appeared to be. A wolf in sheep's clothing they call it. It was my fault for not seeing the warning signs and blaming others, or just for not watching my step. We all say Never again will I fall for it. We all do it again.

Something was said to me today, College breeds oppurtunities for relationships. This year has shown how many great and wonderful people you can just run into around here. Brandon, Landis, Kay, Nikki, Emily, Sarah, Heather, Eva, Tim, Neemo, Katherine, Greg, Tomei, and God there's just so many from this year! I hope I didn't forget anyone!

Life is just so much better now, I don't know what happened, I don't know what changed, but I just need to go home tomorrow, or later today, for those of you not privvy to the rule set up by PJ and I*, and tell my parents everything, tell them my plan, how I will make it and how I am ready and how I have something to stand on now. How people have taught me, I have my own two feet, Kay taught me that. I have me and that's enough and other people, I have them behind me, someone is backing me. And I'm going to do this, all of this. I know I told this story fast, its longer, there's more to it and if you ask me, maybe we can go to Starbucks and I can tell it to you someday. We can sit and talk about it and you can tell me yours too. I wrote this down so there's a record of it, I wrote this so whoever sees it can see. I wrote it so they can see how far I've come, and how far I have to go. I wrote it because I wanted Heather and the others to see, she asked for it, it's long I know. And I wrote it because a potential new friend (you know who you are) asked me to tell them and we didn't have time.

This is to show you, Don't try to live so wise, don't cry 'cause you're so right, don't dry with fakes or fears, 'cause you will hate yourself in the end...

*_{For those who don't know, the rule set fourth by PJ and I is that "If one stays up past midnight, it is not deemed the next day until one: a) falls asleep and wakes up or b)it is noon.}

I Am Jack's Funk

Sometimes a day just makes you think that you have a chance to make it, today was one of those days. I don't know what it is about how everything is going today. I am honestly going to try, I am really going to do this thing. No matter what it takes I'm just going to have to make it.

I don't know if I mentioned this yesterday, but I am writing this from the fourth Incarnation of this computer. That's right, The Queen Is Dead! My computer had to be reformated yesterday and at 6:08 PM this incarnation was born. I have some work to do with it still, two hard drives to add, files to spread out and that kind of thing, but I lost no data and things so far are good. I do need to go get an AOL disk and the like, but that's all.

Having a clean computer, a clean dorm and just trying to pick myself up, the writing again and such is really helping lift me out of this little funk, and to know I have people there pulling for me helps a lot. Although there are some things nagging at the back of my mind. Like for one, why did my parents ask for Allison's number? What do they need it for? But its not a big deal, they don't know anything that would cause me any trouble, and neither does she really.

Well I have to go, just bored of this and I have little things to fill out, see you all.

I Am Jack's Attention

It's been an eventful day and I really haven't left the dorm except for once. I don't know how to say all of it in this short little passage, but one thing I can tell you, this program restarted with out the ability to use word-wrap and this parargraph is gone fucking nuts.

Now that I fixed it, let me start by saying that my old roommate, Brandon is moving back home and I am going to be sad to see him go. I'm going to miss you bro. Now, I have been told that if I don't get a job very shortly I will have to move back home too, I am determined to get a job and keep myself here, I really don't want to go back home and I actually do think that. No one seems to listen to me on that, or anyhting else. I mean right now I take my meds, I try to wake up at a resonable time and I am trying my hardest to be in better shape. But for all of the things that I am doing my parents seem to want to make things that I have been doing for years seem like they are so detrimental to me going back to school.

What they don't seem to or want to understand is that if a person is saf then they're not going to want to do anything, whether they're being watched or not. Whenever I try to even talk to my dad about anything all he can repeat is Did you hear what I said? or Because I told you to. That's not an answer, that's shit you say when you don't have one, and I told him that on the phone one day.

So tomorrow I am going to try and go out and try and find something quick to get them off my back. But there are still other problems. I can't seem to get much alone time these days. And I know what everyone is going to say, You're depressed and you want to be alone? That's stupid! No its not, see I am a writer and part of the nature of the beast is the need to be alone and with your own thoughts. Like right now I am here writing this in a room with just my fan television and bed. No one is going to yell from the other room Dude, come check this out. And if there's a knock at my door I can ignore it.

During the semester there is always something going on, always a phone call or just anything to get you to leave that room so people will be pleased with you. I don't know if its the depression speaking, but I really don't like having everyone pleased with me. There are some real assholes out there and I know at times I do things that others do not agree with, I drink like twice a year and that pisses people off, but you know what, I have never been drunk, never had my drinking causes me to miss school or end up acting like an ass, so get off my back. It's not like I'm chugging a bottle of goldshlogger and driving a big rig with hookers going down on me...I drink like one smirnoff twice a year!

There's too many people to tell you what to do when it doesn't matter and not enough to give you advice when it does.

In my case people give advice and half of the time I look right at their even more fucked up lives and wonder how they can scoff at me. I mean the advice may still be good, but don't be a dick when you give it. I don't need your little attitude to go along with it. I really think that most of the time the only people I talk to that give good advice are Kay, Heather, Nikki and PJ, and I rarely even explore that last route.

Today I talked to an internet friend who will remain nameless about her bout with depression, let's just call her Sandra. Sandra told me that she did things to get attention and hoped that someone would notice, but no one really did. She said that if anyone had noticed it would have been like they cared enough to know her well. And now that I think about it I could just be wanting a relationship because I want someone to care enough about me to know when something is really going on with me, not just someone looking at me going Oh yeah, that's classic depression. Maybe that's what depression is about, attention, even if that sounds kind of vain I think we all need it sometimes.

I Am Jack's Lost Train of Thought

Right now there is a lot to say and not very much I can because I can't really get it into words. I need time to think.

I Am Jack's Boiling Words of Rage

I'm glad its winter break and I can be alone at last, I really don't want to deal with people right now because I'm just starting to get angry. I am getting tired of being over looked and treated as if I don't matter and I am just tired of getting blamed for stuff and getting told that I am not trying.

I'm also tired of being ignored and over looked by people just so they can be around other people that they don't know as well and that don't even treat them right. Everytime I think I have a new friend its the same thing over again, just like what happened with Allison, she just walks away and decides that she doesn't need me just because she met some guy that's probably just going to do things that most guys do when I've been there and talked to her and tried to help and I don't even get any time with her.

I'm fucking sick of people, I'm sick of all them, no one ever really wants you around that long, most of them never really care and the people around you just get tired of you, they get in their little moods and they start to hate you or just ignore you. I really do feel like shit and I hate just having to wake up and know that I am going to have to put up with people that day, that in one way or another, my parents are just going to call and treat me like a fucking disappointing piece of equipment instead of a person.

There's a reason why I don't feel like I have strenght anymore, because I don't. I have to go through so much, and it stacks, all of the arguments with people and the little comments mumble stack and the way people feel really does get to me. And no one cares anymore what I think, peole treat my place like a Rec Center, people call me at all hours of the night and day, and people always ask if I'm okay.

Don't fucking ask me that, if you didn't care enough to call and ask that six or seven months back, don't do it now. Don't pretend you care because its on some piece of paper in a hosptial somewhere that I'm not okay. Don't act like you've stuck it out with me or been there for me to talk to. I don't want people's help or pity half the time. I don't even want half of these people around anymore, most of them just make me upset, or make me see what I don't have or do something else that's just making things more fucked up for me.

I'm just not strong enough to deal with others anymore, and I don't deserve to get anything.

How do I put this? How do I say that things don't get better, this isn't depression or anything like that, this is life. I mean I can't seem to just come by the most simple things out there, I'm ninteen, yet I have never had a girlfriend. I've dreamed of having on and I have worked at it, I've waited...I've done it all and nothing. I try to get my parents to approve of something I do, to think that something I do is good, but I just get scoffing and little side comments. When I first graduated my dad told me that I wasn't going to make it through college, that's all he told me. No one is ever proud of a damn thing I do. It's hurts me to know all of these things, it cuts deep into me to have to realize that things in life are fucking wrong, a lot of them.

There's nothing I can say that will make this clearer, I think everyone has dealt with some form of it. And its bullshit, all of this is. That's what life is..

If anyone's can say they're not depressed in this world, they're not looking hard enough at the things going on in it.—Fall Out Boy

I am Jack's "Can't Hardly Wait"

I feel like I can't do this on my own, I feel like I need strong supportive friends who I can look out for and who can look out for me, and I feel that i have truly found someone like that in Heather. She's a really sweet person who, when I first met her, I wasn't even sure that she would ever be around again. Now she's telling me everything will be okay and that she will help me find someone I can at least date.

In the back of my head, I am remembering in the past when I started to trust someone and I stopped seeing all of the wrongs that they were doing. Now I am examining things much closer and trying my best to make sure that I am not walking into this thing without looking at all of my options.

I guess what makes this different than the others is that I'm not trying to date Heather or see her in a romantic way, so that breaks up some of the attachment, if she was up to something shady and wrong I would have noticed it by now, that's why I can trust her I think.

I know that things might be moving fast with this friendship but I really believe that you have to look forward and wait for some things to come to you at times. Tonight Heather and I are going to IHOP, tonight things are going to be all about just hanging out and having fun while talking and solving some things. I can't wait.

I Am Jack's Thoughts

Thearpy today, it was long and boring, I am tired and have not had the sleep that I have so desired to get and I feel like I just need to draw to get this picture that I have in my head out of my system. I'm so tired to the point that I am starting to get sore. My stomach hurts and the only reason I am here writing this is because I was waiting on someone to get back so that I could go to get some food with them.

I've been wondering, is it hard for some people to just accept that someone else may feel different than them? I mean when I have an opinion do I always have to come to an agreement with someone else. And moreso just because something is the norm or even a law, does that mean I need to agree with it just to follow it.

What if I don't give a damn about the grass and would rather walk on it, but just because that sign says not to, I don't? Does that mean that I should be shot for feeling differently, I thought this country was built on free speech, what about free thought? You are free to say as you will so long as you feel as we do?

Where is the fairness in that? I'm starting to feel more and more like I need alone time, and yet here I am at this place where its so hard just to get that.

Well I am going to head out, I am sleepy and its hard to write.

I Am Jack's State of Being

Tonight I just needed a shoulder to lie on, and I had that for a while, I needed to laugh some too, and I got that. But some things about all of this just don't add up. Why do my parents need me to call everyday, why must the baby me and treat me as if I'm seven years younger than I am?

I got really mad yesterday at a friend, and at the table in the cafe, I got mad again because people around here just don't seem to understand opinions. People here are hell bent on proving that their way is the only way, and although I am very quick to say I won't do something, I don't care whether or not someone else will most of the time.

I have been running on four hours of sleep right now, but all I can think about is how bad things seem to keep on doing. I want to just move on, I want to be normal and have a normal life. There's this girl I like right now, she's single, I don't know her very well and I just get a vibe from her that seems really good. I don't even second guess what she's thinking. Only thing is she really says that she doesn't do relationships. And I know this is kind of soon after the whole other thing, not to mention I am torn up over the stuff that just took place.

I'm really scared to form any kind of a bond with anyone right now, including this girl, and that really can't be good. I'm not sure where to take this. And I'm not sure I should take this anywhere. All I can really do is just wait on things to change. As for the depression, I don't see any end to it any time soon.

I Am Jack's Need

Right now I feel so alone, and I'm tired of being the one who seems to be left out, I really don't know if there's any other way to put it. I'm really hurt and I'm just here alone and I don't know how to deal with this. I need somebody.

I Am Jack's Sympathy for the Martyr

Some things are looking up, I am starting to wake up more on time and just to be more alert like I used to. A friend of mine who I just made a little while back might have found me a place to work. I really should feel happier, and I do. But a lot of things still bother me. Recently, I have been taking a closer look at the things I do, my parents always want to blame my depression for everything that I do.

I really want to know exactly what qualitfies as being depressed and what it could cause me to do. I really do think that a lot of things that they do and say are just plain wrong, but what do you do against something like that. Most parents will want to tell their kids to be happy and they will want their kids to do right when they had done wrong and to know the difference. Not to think everything they had done was wrong.

I really don't want to go on about this any longer, but I do have something to say, what is the deal with people that we give too many chances? I have known this girl for almost a year now. I used to consider her a friend, I have even mentioned her on here. Nicole. A few months after I met her I started to see major flaws in her personality, she takes the everyone look at me approach.

I am saying this because she makes no attempt to not talk about others behind their backs every chance that she gets. She also makes no attempt to not make herself seem like some kind of martyr that everyone is after. She acts as if she's at war with everyone and like they are just out to get her when in reality she usually starts the shit by doing something like breaking someone's stuff and not replacing it, or inciting two people to fight by telling them different things about each other. Usually this involves skewing the truth a bit.

When she gets caught suddenly she is the good friend that was trying to mediate but was misunderstood, she is the friend that was helping out for the good of everyone and who got caught in the middle of the nasty argument. Her most recent little action was making friends with someone that I had happened to meet through some other people, let's call her Carrie. I don't know how they get along when everyone you meet has bad things to say about Nicole. But Carrie thought Nicole was cool so she started hanging out with her.

Well the other day Nicole brought up something I had done to Carrie and was wrong about, the problem had been resolved but of course its Nicole's duty to go digging in other people's business even though she can't keep her own shit together. Well I sent Carrie this message:

I just wanted to tell you if I upset you I'm really sorry, but Nicole started a conversation tonight about how I was in the wrong and all of this, and maybe I was. But you have to understand, I don't trust or like Nicole, so if you ever have a problem with me, please come tell me. I don't want her talking to me, or about me. She does things with this sneaky way of trying to get at people through others. I don't want you to get the wrong idea, I have no problem with you or ******(her roommate). And I really like you both as people. But I don't like Nicole trying to give me advice or even trying to talk to me. So the next time you have anything to say just tell me, I'd feel much better knowing it and being able to correct it. Again I'm sorry about the clothes thing I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable and I admit it was a bad idea, but I'm glad you told me. Thank you for that. I'll talk to you later.

Not really threating right? It's not even written meanly or anything. Well Nicole got wind of it and is going around trying to tell everyone how I did her so wrong and I'm out to get her and make attacks on her because that's what the whole world is trying to do.

Well I have this to say to her: Look you fucking coward, don't try and tell me that anyone is hurting you, and don't try and use others to get at me or anyone else, you want to have a fight, let's go right out blow for blow, I bet you right now I have the gaul to stay in it and see it out fairly, the only reason I'm putting this up is because I don't know what kind of little smear campagin you've run on me or anyone else. You put on fake smiles and try to get people to come back and be by your side when no one really can feel sorry for you long because most of your problems are of you're own doing. And you keep telling me that you have things in common with Carrie. Liar, Carrie is a smart, fun loving person with an easy going attitude who tells people things that she thinks about them to their face. She doesn't get on the phone and bitch her boyfriend out while others are around, and if she does it at all, she doesn't do it in front of him and be little him like some kind of child. She doesn't use God as some kind of defense and try to call other's bad Christians when she's dating a guy and trying to get him to move in with her. Carrie says words like thank you, please and you're welcome; not to try and trick someone into helping or feeling sorry for her, but to actually show apprciation or ask that something be done.

Carrie also doesn't flaunt or show off anything, she doesn't call you up and whine about stupid shit or force you to listen to her stupid problems that no one care about until the point that you want to just stick needles under your nails to keep from passing out or thump yourself in the nuts to keep from going into some kind of bullshit induced coma. Carrie has never put on music to go sit and cry by because she wanted someone to feel sorry for her. Nor has she spend months trying to trick a guy into thinking that she deserved him, people probably feel like she's someone they actually want to be around. Lastly, Carrie is likable and pretty. Tell me, how are you two so alike.

Don't worry, because before long Carrie will see right through you, as most others do. And it doesn't matter what you say about it, you'll stab her in the back, its your nature. And then you'll try and play the martyr once again and blame her for it. But we all know no one has any sympathy for the martyr.

I Am Jack's Negativity

For those of you on Blogger, the last post was actually written several days ago, right now I'm not feeling too well. I feel like my parents are too quick to call me and tell me how I'm not going to actually get to be in school next semester and how they don't see me being well enough to come back to school. I really don't want to have to go home, I hate it at home and I really like it here because here I have more than just one friend to hang out with.

When I got home, I feel like, well I feel like there is no room for me to act the way I act here, I can't go out late, even if there's nothing to be done the next day, I can't talk on the phone, the internet there barely works and I can't just go see friends because that requires that I leave the house and use gas and so on.

My parent's answer to everything is me being at home and having a job and taking medication. I doubt any of those things will make me feel that much better now, since being at home is something I really hate, its a chance for me to get yelled at and called a failure. And as far as getting a job, I don't mind it, but then again, if I get the job while being at home it will be doing something and then coming home to sit alone and get yelled at.

I think a lot of hinges on the fact that my parents consider things in life to be something you have to do, I mean like they say that no one has a job they like, you just work to get money. Well that's bullshit, because what about people who wanted to be writers or artist or who wanted to work with technology and got their wish? I don't want to be that billionare who gets to be 80, looks back at his life and realizes that through all of his money and trouble, he's done nothing with his family and friends and just become secluded and bitter.

I want to actually be there with my children instead of out of town all of the time. If my parents really wanted me to be happy, then they would at least act like some of the things that I do aren't bullshit. If they actually gave a fuck what I think they would maybe ask me what I want to do in life and accept it instead of saying that won't make enough money or that's not a good idea.

Before I started high school I wanted to be a computer programmer, this was back in Junior High when I really didn't even understand computers very well. My high school had you fill out a bunch of papers and write and essay, like a college to get in. For one I couldn't even choose my school, I was told that I was going to Catholic school and I hated it there the entire time. But after I got through trying not to go I was working on my essay and I wrote about how I wanted to be a programmer. My parents looked at it and told me that I couldn't do that because my math was too bad and I wasn't dedicated enough to work late nights and they went on and on about why I couldn't do it.

Why do they have to add their two cents? Why do they feel a need to always doubt me? Do you know my mom has never laughed at a joke I've made? Do you know that neither of them has told me that I do anyhting well, not in my recent memory, not that I drive well, not that I write well not a damn thing. When I do good in a class they say, Why can't you do that in your other classes?. When I do good in them all they would say Well, we know that you won't be able to do this next semester.

Through all of this putting me down they sit there and tell me that I'm the one who is negative...I don't want to deal with them anymore.

I Am Jack's Lie

I don't know if I have anything to say about what's been going on, I feel like I lost the last person I did really, truly trust who's around me, I tried to ignore it and I tried to just leave things be, but its not possible. It's not like I really hoped that I wopuld get anything out of this or that I thought that I would end up with something as silly as a happily ever after. But now I feel like letting people in has become something that comes at too high of a price, every time I do it I feel more and more that way.

When you look around and you see all of the people who drift through life on nothing of a care, who do have problems but never have a problem relating to others. It's not fair to those of us who really have to work for everything that we get. Well now I am stuck without knowing how to handle this, I don't think I've ever felt so betrayed and just unwanted. I have never known someone to stab me in the back so harshly and not even try to explain why or own up to it on their own.

So I'm not sure if I even have the same friend I thought I did before, either way I'm going to be pissed about it. Because I got lied to and ditched and all I asked for was the truth and someone to hang out with and be understanding.

I'm not ready to go through that kind of pain again.

I Am Jack's Hate

Tell her nothing if not this, all I want to do is kiss

I have been dancing around the true issue here, I have been running from what's been going on because I don't want to admit it to myself or anyone else. I never liked the way things seem to turn out for me, but I never acted as if I was having it harder than anyone else.

But now, what the fuck is it, what is going on? Why is it so hard for me to have anyone that I can count on, not all of the time, just some of the time. Why is it that when I think I have something going good or have someone I can at least be with I seem to fuck it up, or the person just walks away. I have been hiding from everything, I have buried my head in video games and drawing, I have turned back into a Junior High student, back to when I was crushing on Amie and she was only in my mind the one class I sat by her but the rest of the day I was out doing other things.

I would give something, anything to be with someone for just a while and have things go a way that could be considered good. And now I feel like I might lose my best friend, now my world is upside down, I don't want to be here anymore, I don't even want to love anymore. It feels better when you hate someone than when you love someone, when you hate you're angry, you're heart is hardened to what they do and all they can do is piss you off, you want them dead and gone and it bothers you that they are around. No matter what someone does, they will always die, and when they die, you get your wish. Hate will always be gratified in the end.

Love, on the other hand, love might get you nothing, or it might get you everything. Kay you are so lucky to have one that loves you the way Chris does, please don't fuck it up like I do to everything, don't press issues, if he lies to you to protect you and you believe some small imperfect-non-truth that he told you that keeps things going, please don't press him to tell you the dirty truth, it hurts too bad. It might make you rethink things.

When you love you want someone to last forever, that can never happen. And when you love you want to be around someone always, no matter what they are never far from your mind. I can't help but think that no one thinks of me, no one cares enough to wonder where I am or what's going on. And when someone dies that you love, you never forget them, I'm certain I'll be forgotten. All I have here are incomplete stories, shitty drawings, a dumb blog and the memory of annoying the hell out of a girl who I loved.

I have so many problems, when something breaks, is it worth fixing, maybe I should just go home, give this all up and try again later or just stop this all together. No one will worry and I really doubt that it would impact anyone at all. I feel so angry now, angry at everything. I want to just slip away to sleep, and I will soon, but more than anything I just wish this world were over, and things were done. I hate the way it is. I hate my life, my problems and my triumphs. I lost the last thing that I hoped for, I lost what I worked for and now I don't see anything coming my way worth me even trying for.

I fucking hate this place.

I Am Jack's Optimistically Tuned Good News

What to write, what to write. I woke up today feeling better, feeling like there's hope and feeling like I can do this. I don't know what changed, maybe that's just it, everything is getting back to the way I wish it had been all along. Looks like I looked in my pants and found a pair too because I kind of asked this girl out on a date. Nothing to serious yet because I just want to feel something out. Its more of a getting to know you session and I really like those because I think I work best in in a situation where I don't have to worry about others distracting me in any way.

I drove back down here Tuesday afternoon, things were a little hard. I actually fell asleep on the road and drifted off into a ditch, nothing was hurt, not even the car and I had a good laugh about it after the fact. I came back and hung out with some friends, got some pictures at IHOP with the waitress, who was very cute and they even made us a giant pancake penis!

I managed to write some, it was a very good little bit that I did. But for once its in first person, which means that this is gonna be hard. I need to redo all of the stories, I'm not sure if they will all be first person, if they are it will be from the presepctive of a different character each time.

I want this to be my close to final rewrite, meaning that I want this one to only be revised, not rewritten. You know its been years since I just left a story as is and posted it and was happy and I need to get back into that mode. Oh I met another person off my facebook list the other day, her name is Amber and she seems really sweet and friendly. I need more friends like that around. After that I went out smoked some hookah, not much really because I'm not used to smoking. And its just an occasional thing. I guess for me its more about the hanging out and talking.

Right now, I know I want to go play some Smash Brothers, I will talk to you all later and I promise to start updating this thing more!

I am Jack's Overdue Anger

There is really so much going on that I don’t think I want to go into it all. I know I never mentioned this when I wrote the last entry. I guess back then it just seemed like it would be a one day thing, and at most I would be done with it by Saturday. Well things always catch us by surprise.

Shortly after dropping Cassie off at her house on Tuesday when I was coming home my car broke down and I was forced to wait outside for my brother to get there and then we were forced to wait for a wrecker, one of the gears under the hood came off and the thing controls power steering, coolant and the cars ability to recharge its battery as it drives.

The dealership, where we had to get it fixed promised it would be done Friday or Monday, I wanted to be out of this place Saturday, if it had been done Friday I wouldn’t have cared and would have been on my merry way.

Now its Monday night, and the same guy at the same dealership is saying tomorrow. I should have been on the road no later than tomorrow, I should have been on the road like nowish but I’m still here in Manvel, Texas without even a car to get me out of this hell hole. The only thing worse than having to be here is not being able to leave.

Right now I just really miss having my own space, I’m going to go back and work hard at finding a job because there are things I want, there are things I want to do and I know now that I can’t do them here with my parents. I can’t even live in this place more than a weekend or I get sick. Its like you get soaked in something and you just can’t get it off until you’re out of it.

I can’t even type on this thing effectively, I can’t run the air I can’t leave to visit friends, I can’t even be treated like and adult. And when I ask them why they treat me like this they say because I’m depressed and because I’m on medication. The other night my mom called me when I was out and told me I should be in bed by now, it wasn’t even 10:30 and I’m nineteen years old. Who says? Who says I should be in bed by now? I wasn’t in bed by that time most nights three years ago! Why should I do that now?

I’m tired of the questions, especially from people who I know that if I started going into any detail with that they would zone out or just talk over me. I don’t want you asking how I am if you’re not really interested because even if you are I’m probably not interested in telling you. And if I am then I will want to talk about it, I will come to you. There are those of you out there who know I talk to you about stuff, others may have just stumbled upon this and not know what’s going on.

Here’s the gist of it: I’m stuck at home, a place that I hate, my parents are being none to supportive about my depression right now, I’m kind of at a loss as what to do next and I’m just ready to have my car fixed and be back in San Antonio, besides, a five hour drive will do me some good, a little bit of alone time to think and the like.

Right now I have to go, I have things to do, I should be back in San Antonio tomorrow, until then goodnight.

I Am Jack's Pre Thanksgiving Blogging Make-up...

Since I wrote in this last, it has been far too long, almost half of a month has passed and a lot more has happened. I'm not sure if I should try and catch you up on all of it or if I should just go on as if things just start today and whatever came before is not there, is not what happened.

Right now I am over at my brother’s house, let me try and do a brief run through of what’s happened since I last wrote in here. Well I decided that I had a crush on a girl, a friend at the school, I thought out what to do about it, and I asked her out, she liked someone else, so that was a no go. Then there’s what’s been going on with me personally around here, I have been drawing a lot, been really sick too.

That’s all I’ve been really doing here, the day before yesterday I decided that I would go home early for the Holidays to avoid traffic, I asked a friend if she wanted to catch a ride and she told me sure, her name’s Cassie I don’t think I’ve mentioned her before. Well it was good to have someone to talk to in the car on the way back because that drive alone would have been boring as hell and I’m thinking about waiting around for her to be ready to go back just so I can take her back with me.

Besides my brother and his kids and wife I haven’t seen any of my family yet, you know I hate this holiday most of all, especially this year I don’t have much to be thankful for, I don’t really have my health, which is the one thing I could claim in past years, I’ve got nobody, I’ve got the massive writers block and some other stuff going on I would rather not mention.

All in all I can pull the old, I’m thankful for life which hey, is crap because anyone who is standing around the house that day can say that one. As far as I know there’s no zombies showing up this year. But I kind of wish there was because with 80 annoying family members around you need something to take the edge off.

Well what I can say I am thankful for, without a doubt, is the good friends I have left! Everyone have a happy thanksgiving.

I Am Jack's "Tragic History of Love"

Now there's some things I'd like to go over, first off, for those of you reading this on deviant art I have decided to edge my way back into writing and do something a little special for you all, I am going to work up a story, something in short parts, to post on deviant art.

Granted, this might have to be in html, it depends on how deviant art acts towards the thing. But here's some basic info, the first story will be titled A Tragic History of Love and it will star characters from the rest of my stories. I hope to see you all checking it out!

Now for the rest of what's going on, today was not so good day, but I really don't feel like going into it right now. I feel like I can't go long without more stuff piling itself on the fire. But there is good news, its cold! Aren't you all so happy? Not only is it cold but my room is clean and that's a real rarity.

I guess tomorrow I have to look forward to the cold weather and some free time somewhere to write! Well I better get going, I have to clear my bed off before I can sleep, I'll be writing in this thing again very soon.

I Am Jack's Change In Pace.

I apologize for the recent lack of updates to this blog, I really haven't had much to say, what do you say really when you don't understand half of what's going on yourself? But I really wouldn't like to go into the same old things again here, its getting kind of tired and I have other thingsq going on anyway.

For one I talked with Allison about she and I, and we're still friends and nothing more. She explained to me that she's not going to be dating anyone for a while and when I asked if I should wait for her she said that she just didn't want a relationship of any kind. I really have to commend her on actually telling me the truth, last time I went through all of this I went out on a date and found out after that the gir lhad no intention of considering me for anything other than what ever the hell we were.

In other going ons I went home this weekend and saw the movie Jarhead finally, I loved it, the whole thing was just perfect. I think it was Jake and Fox's best performances that I have ever seen. I really don't have a bunch of analytical stuff to say about this, but I do have to say that if you haven't seen it, I would go, its well worth the money!

Well I really need to get going, I have more drawing to do, if you want to check me out at deviant art, my screen name there is ctk86.

I Am Jack's Revelation

It would seem like things hurt more than we first thing sometimes, I don't know why that is, or what any of these means. But I just need a time out, I'm afraid now, and I'm not sure what I should be afraid of. Things must have a way of righting themselves, am I right? How long does it take to kick in?

I Am Jack's Hedgehog Delimna

I'm too scared that I'm going to mess up, I keep circulating the same thoughts in my head again and again and I keep coming back to the same conclusion, There is no way in Hell that things will work out in your favor. I look around and I just see how lucky some of the others are, I know that they wouldn't think it was anything special or that they had anything that great half of the time. But they do, they take it for granted.

Right now I should be sleep, sleep or drawing, instead I'm sitting here again, picking my brain. Nikki told me not to sit and dwell on it, but it calls me to, it begs me to dwell on it. And I come back to the same things, I mean why can't we just talk and explain to one another what's going on, what's the matter with it?

It's really something that I've talked about in a blog before, the whole hedgehog's delimna thing. Fear of getting too close to another for fear of getting hurt. That's how I understand it, that's what it is. Someone you are close to can do far more damage than someone not, and its not that I expect this from this person, but its also not like I haven't been unsuspecting of it before when it got thrown right in my face. What makes my hunches different this time, what makes this better?

Well I can say that I think hope makes this better, hope that I can depend on someone in this world, and hope that even if things are to continue as they are that they can continue to not be awkard at the same time. I really don't think there is much I can say. I do have to comment on some other things real quick.

Right now I am working on a few things, a comic about a little fight sequence, just something for fun. Then I am doing a picture of a friend as a Naruto character, actually I am doing a lot of my friends as Naruto people, I'll have to get back to you all at a later date about that, I am feeling sluggish and unable to write.

I Am Jack's Syndication

Well its been an interesting weekend to say the least. My roommate has been out of town since Thursday night and its been rather quiet around here. I have been thinking a lot about what to do next, I don't know where. I think I'm confused right now, or maybe I'm just not sure.

Even as I'm typing this I don't really think that its making much sense, I just know that I have to talk to a friend about what's been going on in my head, and what's been going on with more for the last year or so. Right now I really can't think.

I do need to say that I am for the first time posting this over in my journal on deviant art too, it's like I'm in Syndication.

I Am Jack's Lack Of A Story...

Today was pretty bland, but there's good news, tomorrow I get to go back to the hospital and get my check up. Thanks to everyone out there who has been so kind and nice to me, I don't really have much to say today. Right now I'm kind of thinking about something, my mind is really else where. But I think for the first time since the summer that I am going to write something. Thank you all for sticking by me, I have to try and recover now, I have to try and get back to where I was before.

In the meantime there is a drawing I did tonight for a friend, here it is.

Later everyone!

I Am Jack's Wonderful Day

All at once I feel so comfortable, there's no sound, no distractions and nothing from the outside world. I have so much to think about and not a lot of time to do it. Right now I think I'm happier than I've been since the day I hung out with Ashley over the summer. Right now all there is in the room is the hum of the fan and me at the computer. It's so cool and calming here, I think I might be able to get to bed early.

Today started bland, so bland that I never thought it would pick up. But then things got better, I ran out and got Allison a present, and tonight when we hung out I gave it to her. But I'm getting ahead of myself, like an over excited school girl here. My dad came to town today, we went to lunch at Luby's and then went to see the conseuler about the withdrawl slips. There was some good news, I might be able to stay here.

I can't express how much it means to be so close to the people I'm acoustumed to, like they say, its important to have a support net of people. And here I have some. Then I came back here and hung out with CJ and his new girlfriend Katherine, don't think I've mentioned her before. Well we hung out, went and picked the present up and then I came back here and had dinner with CJ at the school cafe. It was like normal, Brandon came in baring girls like he does. And we talked and hung out.

After that I came back home, showered, played on the net and got ready to go meet Allison. We went to the Quarry and had a little sit down at Starbucks, it was fun and then we went to Denny's, hung out and had a big plate of fries, because that's what she wanted. I enjoyed the fires and we barely ate them all, we're such babies, not able to handle some fries.

She started to get tired so we came back here and I hope that we can hang out tomorrow because today got cut short and she said something that meant the world to me, she said Today is the happiest I've been in a long time. And this was before the whole necklace thing, I don't know what to say to that. I guess I'll just have to say, thank you Allison.

I came back here to reflect...And Then I tried drawing a Vector image again, got mad and scribbled this:

I Am Jack's Dark Cloud.

Well I just got back from over at Neemo's things seemed to have returned to something like normal around here, for the most part. Although I have yet to see Allison, its hard for me to think about much else because she's someone that I really feel like seeing before I have to leave, even just for these two months. And I know that there are things that I want to come back and be part of, like when she goes to see Rent, I'm not big on musicals, but I think I might actually enjoy that.

Or I want to be here to give her a Chrsitmas gift, something really special. I feel like there's so much I want to say still to so many people, but right now there's just something odd floating around in my head, I talked to my roommate and he just felt that I wouldn't be coming back here or that something would change. It scares me because I want everyone else to stay the way they are now, I don't want them changing, and already I can see it happening. I keep telling myself, as long as she stays the same, everything is okay.

Who remembers me quoting the line about as long as nothing hurts you, I'll be fine. It brings me to tears thinking about something bad happening to certain friends, or even thinking about not being able to go visit Allison. We've gotten closer than we were last year, back then I thought the world of her, I never knew she considered me such a good friend. I never seem to know anything though.

Tonight I started a portrait, it will be the best I have ever done, it will be the sweetest thing I've ever drawn and it will have meaning. I will put all of me into this and it will work out the way I want. I rarely say these things, but I am saying them now. I don't think its me being confident as much as it's me putting my foot down and finally saying that I am going to take my time, I am not going to rush and I will do the job right.

Is that so much to ask for?

Earlier tonight I walked over to Neemo's with the intent to borrow some masking tape, when they told me they had none I asked them, What kind of art majors don't have freaking masking tape? I think I knew deep down no one there would have it, I think I just wanted to go see everyone, I just wanted to talk with them and sit, and pick on Neemo, its just that I don't want to act like this is tearing me up inside, I don't want everyone worrying or hurt over this. I feel like I might have made Allison feel sad already and I know that when I see her, I might cry, these pills—kind of make me emotional. But I don't want her thinking I'm some kind of sap.

I'm just going to really miss her and everyone else, it seems like, yeah I know, depression is going to get a lot harder with out her and the others around, a lot harder before it gets better.

I Am Jack's Face Full Of Egg

Well it has been an interesting day, I'm starting to wonder about things that are going on around here. But I'll get to it after I talk about how the whole medication thing is going. I have been started on Paxil, or how ever you spell it. And the stuff really messes me up. I get sleep and dizzy and all manner of other stuff.

Well I have been taking them for like two days and it's strange for me to have to take medication. It's like me on medicine. That hardly happens, even when they give it to me for little infections and things like that. So for me to be on real daily pills is just unheard of.

And this is my last week at school for this semester, I have been told to go on medical leave, I hate the idea because I have to leave people behind, most of all I'm going to miss Allison, but then I guess this is for the best. I really know that in the end things will work out right.

Well I am tired and losing concentration, thank you for the kind comment Kay, but we're pretty sure I don't have cancer. I want you and everyone to know that. I did still get a blood test and it didn't hurt at all really, I felt proud and the nurse even gave me a kiss on the cheek because she said I was being brave. I think that's funny. It was the first time I ever had blood drawn. I do have to say something because I understand what your saying, when faced with death or anything daunting you can be made a better person. I don't know if I'll ever really be a better person, but thank you for keeping me in your prayers.

I do know that I am faced with something right now, something that can either eat me up or that I can stand up to and go somewhere. Depression, they say it's one of the most treatable forms of mental illness, then why the hell do I know so many people who struggle so hard with it? Why is it so blatantly there and in your face? Something isn't right there, something doesn't add up. I'm scared still, scared that there might be nothing I can do, scared that in all of my trying to help others I really over looked myself and let myself get too far gone. I don't know how to deal with myself being in trouble, I don't even know what caused me to feel this way.

Kay, I really don't know how to respond to what you said. I never thought that I stopped talking to you, if you think that, I didn't mean to and I'm sorry about it. Maybe there was just some kind of trouble with communication or something. I don't know what is going on half of the time anyway. I didn't comment on your blogs because I didn't know if you wanted me to, and then when you commented on mine I planned on commenting on yours, but then what do you say to a girl who had a friend killed in war? I don't have the words to make that better, I don't know how to talk to someone who's upset. Oration has never been my strong suit and the words to help anyone never come to mind. I just spent an hour the day before that telling another friend not to worry about her boy friend going to Iraq because it would be okay.

I'm really sorry about your loss, but everyone knows I'm not one to console anyone, I think I make things worse by trying. I've read your blog almost every day since August and yes I know that might seem kind of weird, me not leaving a comment. Next time I'm around your blog I will leave one. Right now I am dizzy and sleepy, and I need to head out.

This next week is going to be about me trying to see people that I might not get to see again for two months. I guess this is me making up for not really having much of a summer. But I know that if I don't spend at least one day alone with Allison I'm going to be mad, we really haven't had time to hang out much. And I miss my friend, well I better get going before I get to the rambling and it never ends. I'll be around more later.

I Am Jack's Gathering Exhastuion

I'm not really feeling like writing now, I'm not really feeling like doing anything. I just can't seem to stop feeling hurt and sick at the same time and I want to go back to bed. I got medication this morning and I'm supposed to take it before sleep. But I need to eat first. So I guess I'll have cereal or something retarded like that.

Everyone's so worried and so careful around me I really don't like it, the people who don't know about this stuff that's going on seem to be better to be around some of the time. And there's still a lot of them. Right now I just want to sleep, thinking about things really hurts.

Everyone that knows how I feel right now has been saying some of the same phrases to me all of the time Don't do anything dumb and a lot of other stuff. Looks like I already fouled up and did that by not being able to do a damn thing for the last five months.

I just need to go lay down.

I Am Jack's Day At The ER

Thanks for the support everyone, a lot of people have called or come by here worried, not that I like others to worry, but its always nice when someone cares about you.

I spent most of the day in a Hospital ER, but we're pretty sure that this is only as serious as a depression issue, not something that I would have to see someone who did surgery or anything. I might end up on medication and it looks like I am withdrawing from school for the remainder of this semester. I'm really upset about that, I won't be able to see someone very dear to me for a while now, I don't know what to do, I don't even know if there is anything I can do.

I haven't told her yet, but she already voiced her opinion about me being gone, I don't want to leave her here without someone to talk to, someone that really cares and doesn't want to take advantage of her or something like that. I told her already how I felt, that took more than I ever would have dreamed it could, I already feel like I've been a pain in her ass. I already feel like I'm in so much trouble, like I'm just an awful person. And its like I don't believe it, or I don't want to, but I have to.

So there's a lot going on, and I don't think I really feel like talking about it, all I have to say is this is my frist trip to the ER and I hate it. The thing that scares me most is I think there might be something wrong, I spent 8 hours there and never go the blood test, so I could still have some problem. I'm too scared to find out. All I know is I want the old me back and I want to be near someone I love, I guess I can't have either.

I AM Jack's...

I was suppopsed to get a blood test last night but it won't happen until today now, I'm so scared. I'm scared that I ruined everything, school, my social life and that I might even be going insane. A lot of the things my symptoms according to my mom sound like it could be any number of things in cluding a tumor, I have to check and see she said. I'm frigtened. I'm not the one who gets sick. Never spent a day in the hospital in my life. I've always been in good health.

I'm not ready to go, I'm not even willing to accept it, yet it doesn't matter. It could be true. I had no idea how scary things could be. I mean the way I am now, how could I even make it in the world. I hate it, I try and be brave, I do something I'm afraid of and then suddenly here comes a new thing to face. One that has no tangible shape or form but just is.

Last night I told Allison everything, I told her how I felt and she didn't hate me or want me gone, as a matter of a fact she was worried about losing her only friend. I think finding out about getting a blood test gave me the courage to actually tell her. If I'm going to have to get an operation or die or something, I want her to know that someone loves her.

I liked it better when the problems I had with school were simple laziness, now blood tests and doctors come int everything and I want out, I hate the hospital, I hate it and that I couldn't do this right. In the Emergency room last night I tried to be brave and to joke around, but I was so scared. I can only hide behind sarcasm so long. Anyone who says their not scared is a fool, even when you believe in God you have a natural want to stay alive. And I do want to be here, I've found out that I'm actually worth something.

I think a while ago I might have told you that I was worthless and that if I was never around it would affect no one and maybe less people would get hurt. I know now that there's at least one person I help around here. That's more than enough to make sticking around worth it.

I guess on the bright side, the emergency room allowed me to see someone I haven't run across since eight grade, Keena Caldwell, a girl I was best friends with way back then. We talked for a while, she was sick too. Its odd how I have been to so many waiting rooms, but never for me. I'm always so uncomfortable in them because I have no idea how to act, there's sick people here, can I even smile. For the first time I may be the sick people. It's a new feeling, one that I don't like.

I Am Jack's Unheard Outcry.

I seem to somehow mess things up, no matter what I seem to just not know when to follow instinct and when not to. I called my Dad this morning and told him some of the stuff that was going on with me, I didn't expect him to want to come down here and have a talk with me and I definately didn't expect to get walked all over in the process. I have al ife, no matter what I try to keep some scrap of a life.

And when I told him he should have called I have somewhere to be tonight he basically told me it didn't matter and that this was more important. Yeah my plans with Allison shot to hell, thanks. Because she's the only person I really feel like I want to be around right now.

I think thats another problem I have, my feelings only get recognition so long as they think it will effect my school. Well I'm sorry school is not the only thing in the world, and I'm sorry that I'm such a failure you had to come up here and babysit me. But I didn't ask you to come here, and I didn't say I wanted help from you. As a matter of a fact I didn't say I wanted help from anyone. I wanted to try and have a good week but its getting off to a terrible start already.

Like I've said before, I can't stand being ignored, but its not like I seem to get anything else from these people.

I Am Jack's Paralyzing Fear

Tonight was the perfect night, not in what happened but in the feel, the sky was filled with a light mist, the cold wind and air felt good as I walked along the river that this city is so famous for. Althought I wish I could have been with her, I think a lot about her, I try not to but I do. It blots my concentration and there are times when I wonder if I will ever be the same again.

I know now that I never really knew what it was like to feel something for someone before maybe last year, before that I would think I felt something, but this is much much harder. This is much different than the times in Junior high and high school. Here things have been different.

There's some part in me which would like nothing more than to leave things as they are, stay back and try my best to just leave her be, but then I think she could get hurt again. Damage like that just stacks, it builds up and I'm tried of seeing people like her treated like shit, everything that I see happen to her I just think that she doesn't deserve any of this.

My mind is dragging through everything, I need to wait, but I don't want to, I need to play this slow, but its already been a year. I really can say I hate that I can't help her out or say the words to make her believe in herself, but I can also say that I will still try. I've failed enough people but I keep doing this, why? What the hell is wrong with me. I've got nothing going for me, school is shot, I'm in the hole and I feel like there's nothing that I can do about any of this.

I'm so afriad now, but I have to do this alone and in person, its the only way.

It seems that when I try to do anything else, when I try to write anything else that only one subject can flow from my fingers, as if I've been pricked by needles and just left to bleed this away. I know that to all of you out there I will not be the same until I've bled all that kind of blood away.

I Am Jack's Three Thousand Two Hundredth Hit!

At 1:00 PM Sunday October 23, I hit the 3200 hits mark, badass!

I Am Jack's Attempt To Work Himself Out...

This is not my usual plate of things I serve up, this isn't what I would usually call an entry or what I would usually talk about. There's nothing wrong with something about some certain little group of people that I'm just going to openly discuss today. There's something wrong with me, the kind of thing that won't be fixed in conseuling, the kind of thing that you have to have courage and heart to persue. Someone I've kept close to my heart for a little over a year now has come to the point that I'm not sure what is wrong with me.

I can't say much more right now, I don't know if I will ever speak more on this subject. And I know, all of this cloak and dagger stuff is not like me, all of this sneaking and hiding is not something that I would usually go about doing and stuff, but I need to keep this to me, I need the keep the numbers of people that know to the minimum. I need to keep this from getting out because when things like this do they cause me more trouble than good.

I am running over things in my mind, I am driving the thoughts home through an intense grilling and testing to see if they stand true to what could be the best case scenario. I awoke at six this morning on my back on the floor, I had only slept just over fifteen minutes and I was jostled back into this world by a dream. I can't tell what the dream was, it was like visions of light and water that streamed through my conciousness but there was something tangible there too, something whole. Friday was the best day ever, it has done devastating damage to the days gone by and it has been crowned the king of all days only to be dethroned by something of greater value

I was shaking when I awoke, my mind was ricocheting off the walls of my skull like a trick shooters stray bullet, it was out of control and I actually started to shake. There's so much going on under the surface, I am so afraid to share. Even with the person I trust most even with the people I see day to day and the people I live with and the people I have grown to really enjoy.

There is something more to all of this. I was told something that night to which I could not truthfully respond, I lied I had to because I knew that even if I told the truth, it would be a lie to the other person. It would be a lie in their eyes because they didn't know the meaning of it all. It stung me hard, it had set me on the course and I couldn't just roll over and sleep after that, I had to think about it, dream about it.

I shake when I think about it, almost as much as I did when it happened, I laid there, on the side of my bed, even in tears a for a while. What the hell do I do? I mean really what am I supposed to say to something like that, what do I say, do I lie and make it seem alright, ignore it? What? My mind wouldn't let me fall asleep, and the shaking worsened so I got up and grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and my glass, I drank some and laid down. No effect. I would have done anything to stop the toughts, ram a wall, hang out the window till my fear of heights caused me to recoil in fear like some kind of flesh yo-yo dangling about the cold waters of a toilet.

I wanted to freak, but quietly it would have to be. I wanted to run outside and just find some cigarettes, I don't smoke anymore. I only did for like six months and in that time I think I smoked one whole pack. I'm freaking out about it and there's nothing I can say, there's nothing I can do that will be easy for everyone.

So there, there it is, I was down not because of thearpy or something stupid my dad yelled at me about, I was down because I can't go on this way. I was down because I wanted to tell you the truth and the lie, but I took the coward way out and did neither. So there it is, over and done. I'll never know if I did damage or not, I'll never know what I had to do with this. All I know is ten hours on a plane, sheer embarassment of myself, I would brave it all.

I love you too

I Am Jack's Highlights

I have really begun to think things aren't looking up, even though I want to give things a try I really doubt that how I feel and the way I view things will change. I guess what I really mean to say is that I don't generally consider the way I am bad for anyone else, I'm nice to others, sometimes too nice and too trusting, so when I say that things might always be this way, is it really so bad for everyone else?

One thing that scares me is I have been having massive trouble remembering things, people I've known for quiet sometime, I really can't tell who they are when I see them now. And sometimes I can't put a name to a face even though I've known for a while. And it really doesn't help that I've been trying to meet new people when I can and having to remember names of people and the like.

I really think that something might be wrong because my vision will go all blurry sometimes, its not to the point I can't drive, but its like to the point I can't play a videogame that well, today it happened for like ten seconds when I was playing Smash Brothers Melee. I couldn't tell what the other person was doing, only that they were moving, so I just did a move that hit all around me and tried to see if I could do something, but I think it might have been obvious that something was up by the look on my face. I was all shocked because it came on so sudden. And now and again I get headaches and stuff that hurt.

I hope its nothing, I'll tell myself it is and take my own advice. I really don't know what else to do in a case like this doesn't involve going to the doctors. I lived with doctors all of my life, my parents. And I just have and thing about not wanting to go get medical help. It was hard enough to get me into thearpy, Kristi, Kay, Allison, my parents, two Jamies, and a bunch of other friends had to say something was wrong or directly say they think I should try it out before I really gave it hard thought.

I just hope that I can get back on my feet at this point. I really can't think of too much else to say, this weekend I have a full calender, I'm going out to two movies tonight, one of them is Rickey's that I hadn't seen yet and the other is Doom, that's right, for those of you who don't know they have made a movie out of that terrible game. Well its the duty of people like me to go see it and make fun of it, because that's what I do.

Hmm what else is there to talk about, you know I haven't talked about anything political or seriously crippling on this thing in like a year, funny huh? I really decided that I hated politics like around the time of the election last year, I remember I even told people to boycott the vote because both of the candidates weren't qualified to run a convience store, let alone the most powerful nation in the world. I remember the pose well, it was titled Reenact And Don't Vote

And there was that strange period of sexual/gender/sociatial issues that were discussed between me, Twinks, Autumn and Amanda. I know the one that got me in the most hot water was the one that I wrote on my rant blog, No Nation Army: About That Oral Sex Thing. For those of you that don't know I am planning on doing and update to that post, about how I feel now, but for right now let's just say a few things have changed. I know its funny the last thing people want to hear is a virgin's opinion on sexual things that he's never experinced that are based mostly on a mixture of Catholocism, a general chiviarious attitude, and an adverse hatred for most other males.

I think my hatred for most other males came to a head when I order that someone kill Usher because of how he had used his affair with another woman to make money and trick millions of women nationwide into thinking that he was being a gentlemen and generally sorry by doing it, that post can be found: here.

And who could forget the first dirty comment I got, and how much I got a kick out of it, I was so proud of myself. It can all be found at the post A New Day. And then there was my timely response

Funny how far this little blog has come, when I started I never dreamed I'd have readers or other blogging friends or even any kind of audience, now look at this! Here's to another year and many more after.

I Am Jack's Sad Part

I went to my second session today, things went pretty well and I think I touched on some stuff that I really haven't spoken to anyone else about. But I guess that with what I have been holding in, its hard to say that I have been telling anyone very much of anyhting. I'd have to say that the only person who knows what's really happening is Allison. I guess because I trust her more than I trust anyone else here right now.

I called her and told her that I was feeling down and that I just wanted to hang out and not have to deal with the people at the school for a change, she and I met up after her class let out and went down to Wingstop and had some food, then we went to Starbucks. I felt much better just having been around her. Somehow she just helped by being there and that's not something that just anyone can do.

We hung out and talked for a good three hours, probably the most enjoyable time I've had in the last few weeks. I don't think she knows what she did by hanging out with me, but it really helped me to feel better. After the Starbucks we came back to her place and watched Ghost Hunters, I've never really watched the show...but it was very interesting. More scientific than I would have expected, it was something I could really watch more often I think.

Hmm I guess I don't have much to say, I really felt kind of down still when I came hoem and then to add insult to injury my dad called with no other purpose to check on me, he never cares how I feel or if I'm alright even though we talked about how I've been down lately and we've talked about getting conseling, he didn't ever ask if I went, he just decides that all that matters are grades. I'm tired of this stress, my neck is a mess, it hurts so bad. And I can't think about any one thing for too long without wanting to go insane. I realize now that people won't really care about you for the most part, I know some people do, but even the people who should don't always care. And that's the sad part...

PS: For you new readers, the I Am Jack's... titles are an old thing, if you look back you'll see them starting on April Second 2005 and ending on May First 2005. There are some holes where it stopped, but its a system I really like...

I Am Jack's Belated Action

Today, how to describe today, I really can't think of much else that can go wrong in my mind. I say and do things and when I think back on them I can only see how it will go wrong, how I'm wrong for trying this or that. I wonder what did this, how did I get like this. Why can't I just see things the way someone who's normal does?

I'm really just tired of trying to interact with people and to figure out what's wrong with me, but I know when I stop that things are only going to get worse. I wish I could be a loner but I know I can't. I know that now but I really don't know what to do now. Tomorrow I start going to thearpy sessions, just because of all this. It's really hard for me to have to even talk about it, I haven't told anyone else here except for one person.

And even then I can't believe that I'm doing it myself. I wish I could say that things were just fine, but they're not and they aren't really getting better on their own. So I guess this is me trying to get the help I should have months back. Well I have to go, I might add a little more to this later tonight.

I Am Jack's Freedom of Thought

A long time back I would have filled this blog with things that it really wasn't my place to care about...why do I say it wasn't my place to care about them, well I find that the people they involved couldn't have given a care about me in the first place. I realize that now, looking back I wasted a lot of energy on things that I shouldn't have even had in my head.

I'm trying to figure out what I can do to make up for lost time here, but I can't because this place is supposed to remain as is, that's just one of my things. I guess for now I will pick up where things come in this week.

Not much has been going on this week, I have a test this next week so I need to get ready for that. But in news that does not concern the depressing mess that is school. So many things have happened outside of all that, and some of it will sound very familiar although the tone that it is in will not. Once more Brandon (my old roommie) has made another girl mad, although I don't really think that this is his fault, I mean he really didn't do anything that she herself didn't guess he would and she was told by several people.

I don't see how a girl can get mad when all you're guilty of is doing the exact thing she did to someone else. It doesn't make sense but I just see a lot of irony in the fact that this same thing happened with Brandon and another girl around the same time last year and I was all on the girl's side last time.

I haven't changed my stance on women and men, but I have changed the way I look at things. That's why I type all of this here, I have changed to the point that I see how a lot of things that women do are at times wrong. Recent events have helped me to see this, being accused of things I in no way did, and being cast out for the simple fact that I was trying to be nice. Right now I really don't care for many people.

There is however one girl I think I like enough to try something, she seems really nice and sweet. Funny thing is she's kind of like Mandi, well when I say kind of, I mean really. She looks like, acts like and has this whole Mandi aura around her. She's not quite as excitable maybe, but anyone who knows Mandi and saw this girl would thing, Wow, she's like Mandi.

I really don't know how to approach her, she seems like she might be a little nervous or something. But I'll probably figure something out. I'm at least good at thinking on my feet.

I talked to an old friend a little while ago and something came up that interested me. I was saying how no one was around so I might just watch Firefly all day. My friend, Amanda from my old high school suggested that I watch the CSU game (I have no idea who that is). I said Eww, I'm not watching sports and she asked me why and I told her that I never watch sports, she knows all of this.

She went on to say that every guy that she knew would be watching some sort of game, and I told her that I'm not trying to fit in with every guy. And then she said something that shocked me, she was just like And you never did, that's what makes you unique. I was proud of her for something, I mean four years we hung out together and went to school together and I never thought that she realized I was any different from the sex crazed drunk jocks and poser wannabe gangsta's that ran around our school.

While I wonder where I belong I never try to fit in with someone just because they are there or because its the socially acceptable thing to do. I basically do what I want to do, I've realized that most of my life I have been a free thinker, I don't follow into crowds. Like when I think about how I was in elementary school and junior high and even high school...I did things that I wanted to do. Like in high school people wouldn't hang out with a certain girl I knew because she had a reputation for doing bad things and just talking to her was socially unacceptable. I talked to her because she was a really sweet person and always nice to me. We never did anything wrong together, but she was always there for me and I was there for her.

Amanda made me realize that I never have been one to fall in line and just follow like many others do. But there was a time last year when I did just that and I'm glad that I've gotten over that. I hope that I can stay this way and keep my head above the masses. Well I have to head out. I've typed on this far too long, but there's one more important thing to mention. Jo, a friend of mine has started a blog here. Go check it out!

Swamped

There is way too much going on right now and I am feeling swamped and bogged dowm, I'm not sure if I can take this much longer or if I was even meant to. Right now I can't sleep, but I don't want to sit here and right in this much either.

No Use For A TItle...2

Not much that I can really say, things have been kind of up in the air lately. I don't know how much I can say, I'm worried about a friend of a friend. A really sweet girl who's not feeling very good right now, other people I know seem to be making a lot of dumb descions and one person told me something that I never really thought about although I haveh eard it before, I need to stop worrying about so much and just calm down.

I have really been trying to change things around here lately, and today was a welcome change, I woke up to the soft sounds of rain and the blaring of my ring tone, Blink-182's Feeling This. It was cool and wet outside, just like I wanted it. I was shocked to have someone else tell me that they liked it like that here, Jamie mentioned how much she loved this time of year too. I think this time of year is when I'm happiest, which is bad because if this is me at my happiest something is very wrong.

Thanks a million to Jamie, Twinks and Amanda for the comment (I moved Jamie's comment over from xanga to my blogger account), but I feel much better just hearing stuff like that! And Jamie, in the future I will try my hardest to make sure that I don't curse too much so you can actually read my stuff!

I can't wait, tomorrow there might be another cold front, there might be more rain and that would be so good. Earlier Allison dropped by, I sat over the easy chair and talked to her while she was on the couch behind me, our living room is out of whack, CJ's camped out there for the internet access, here's the file photo 1...

Yeah I know, there's a couch behind the other freaking chair and the televison has been substituted with...a computer!

It felt really good to sit and talk with her, she had come over ot borrow an egg and ended up staying about and hour and half to just talk. I like having someone to talk to, so often I think I don't really pay attention to those around me when I have the chance, I took the oppurtunity today.

CJ was uploading pics a lot of the time, but he came in and talked with us too. It was fun and the dreainess outside really set a good mood.

Oh, I don't know if I said this and I doubt she'll see it, but happy Birthday to Durae, Megan and Juliet! I have actual pictures of Durae and her roommate Alex in my living room, they're the freshmen I talk about so much. And here's file photo 2...

Well I hope there's not much else to say, I hope they all have good birthdays, umm good fight, good night!

Bad Week

ALright as an update, last week was just really bad for everyone, I have friends getting sick and a hard time with school and just an all around not so good thing going on here. I'm really not in a good mood, I saw that yesterday and I don't know what to say or do anymore so that I don't get mad at someone and go off. Right now I'm sitting here in the room, Brandon justh eaded back home, he hasn't slept yet so he needs to catch up. I'm wondering if I shouldn't grab a quick nap to catch up on sleep. It would be nice to actually have a reliable sleep schedule but I need to work hard at it to get that kind of thing started.

Since I last wrote in this thing I got news that Tiffany was getting married next summer. Well I'm happy about it and all, she seems to be the only person I know who had a good week. Then I thought, well she hasn't even been dating this guy for a year yet? I mean she and PJ only broke up this week a year ago...

I know this might sound bad too, but I look around and there are so many people I know that rush into things, people I know that seem to be a little in over their head. People are a little gung—ho and whatever it takes when they should be still trying to figure out how much they really like a person. I remember the last time I was all gung—ho about some girl and I really learned my lesson. I haven't trusted what a girl said or did to me since then. Because the last time I did it was just a bunch of lies. And I'm not trying to say that lal girls are like that, but it makes it harder to trust them when you get the few that are and really mess you over.

I'll give people a chance, I won't judge them on looks or anything like, which is not to say that I don't like a girl that looks good. But I know that its not the only thing that matters. I'm tired of girls deciding things before they even get to know you, especially when you wanted to be friends with them and nothing else, its like what the hell, I'm not even good enough to be you're friend?

It hurts to hear the same thing over and over again when you really didn't mean any harm, espeically when you tired to present things in a non-harmful way. I feel bad because its hard to be a guy this day and age, I mean not hard as in there's no jobs because women took them all, let's get real.

I know so many guys who have been called creepy and stalkerish for doing normal things, not to say that stalking someone is nromal. But if you know a girl for a month and you send her flowers at work, not a stalker. You know a girl for any amount of time and you're in her bushes outside with a telescope and a night vision camera, stalker. There's not a fine line really. It's a thick, black, well defined sharpie line.

I have never really been one for people doing things that are even considered creepy, but is it so wrong to ask someone out for coffee or be excited when you see someone for the first time in a long time? I mean if you talk to a guy three times a week and then don't see him for two weeks or talk to him during that time, is he really smothering you? I got accused of that last year with you know who.

And you know, I used to try and be nice, I used you try and say that it was just her way, but now I know its fucking bullshit. You wish someone paid you that kind of attention or you wouldn't have flirted back with them, that's how it worked with her at least. After all of this I still think women are better than men, men just piss me off till no end.

And right now, its so hot here, its humid again and its raining and just nasty, I want it to go back to cold and rainy, I love that time of year. I want there to be cool winds and the damp grass again, I want it to be a little bit dark out all day and for there to be a light mist in the air. I love fall just because of all those things. I live for this time of year and for the cold.

And yet school is so hard now, I don't even know if I'm cut out for this, what am I cut out for. I need to do something, I need to shape out. This morning I just prayed that I could make it through all of this, that I could get up on time and get where I need to be and just make it. I don't know, I really want to be something, nothing bit like a famous writer, but I would like to write. It's what I enjoy. And yet i haven't written in months, I haven't had an idea or made a story. I just feel useless now and I need to get out of that mode.

Hmm, well this ran a little long, I better get to napping, because I really can't stand it anymore.

She Was Right

Things around here really need to change, I need to change, I need to stop slacking off. I need to really get to it and hit stuff hard this time around because I can't waste any more of my own time. I feel like I have a lot to say but don't really know how to. And I think part of me feels proud just to have written in this old thing again. I promised myself that it wouldn't make it a year and then just end, there are lots of stories still to be told, and a lot of experinces to be had here.

I guess I will talk just a bit about the movie, earlier Allison, her roommate, and CJ went with me to the movies to see Serenity. Very good, very funny—one of the best things I have seen this summer. I think that this summer really lacked in the way of movies, I mean sure there were a few that were real good, but for the most part it was just dribble.

There really isn't much to say about the movie besides that, I mean I don't want to turn this entry into a review although talking about what I want to just seems like something I can't bring myself to do. See, almost one year ago I got fed up, I got tired of people I didn't want read my live journal reading it and I got tired of the whole live journal format...so I came here and I made this blog. It was new and exciting and no one knew about it but me and my CPU. Then I got new friends and told them about it, joined facebook and posted a link there and the thing just spread.

Now I am back where I was a year ago, I wish I had left this thing to be here and to exist without knowledge of it getting around, without posting a link and whoring it out. I know so many people who look at it from time to time. It makes me see why Autumn and Twinks do what they do.

I feel like I need to start a new blog, but then I don't want to...I don't want to lose what I've made here, I've made a good place for myself. I've made something that has so much history behind it. This blog, a years worth of posts, plus back dated posts from my old blog. Friends that I made with this thing, comments; funny and sweet. I just can't let this thing go.

Which means that what I say now will only make sense to one person, if she even sees this. You were right, you were right about how things were going to be. I can't really say much more, and with all that you said I know that must sound vague. But just think back to the things you told me not to count on so much and talk about so much when you told me I was interesting too, just know that you were right and that I listened.

I take comfort in the fact I half prepared myself for this, I am ready for what's to come now. And I can also take comfort in the fact that my life just got better for now it is fall in San Antonio and it is cold outside. I wish I had someone to walk through the park with here, this is the kind of weather I dream about.

Finally, I can listen to my Ataris CD again, other times of the year it pisses me off, in winter its gold...

...so long astoria we found the map to buried treasure and even if we come home empty handed we still have our stories...

Quickie

Tomorrow is the movie with Allison, I sure hope that htings go through, this is just the thing she needs to get all cheered up. And now I have to go to class tomorrow, Durae got her hair cut and she's looking all...well let's just call it hot now. I haven't really hung out much with her and her friends lately. It's kind of strange, you know how you start hanging around some people and you think, this will be cool, its going to last, but then suddenly thingsj ust kind of fall apart. Well that didn't happen, and I'm glad, I like hanging out with them.

Last year I had some friends I hung out with all of the time at the start of the year and now I don't even talk to them, not online, not on facebook, not even in passing, its like we just fell out with out falling out. They were both girls and they both have boyfriends now, so they spend every waking moment up under them. I really can't take that. I know the one will breka up with hers when she's done sofocating herself. The two girls don't even talk anymore they had a big fight over something totally stupid and beside the point.

I hope the friends I meet this year I can continue to hang out with past the first semester.

Cold Front!!!!

Well I usually don't do this in the middle of the day, but I guess I figured that it couldn't hurt. It's strange how people around here are acting, I have met a lot of new people around here. Some of them have been very nice, other's not so much. I think college is hard to get through unless you have a strong base of people which you can interact with. I've found out that things get a lot easier once you have people around you some of the time.

I don't think that I want to end up like I did last year, surrounded by friends to the point that I'm almost sofocating. I hope that some of these people I've met around also being as true about themselves as they can be, most of the time I end up meeting people who love to seem like something that they're not.

Right now there is so much going on and I need to really get back on using this, I think I finally have myself back on a schedule that's do-able, I go to sleep sometime right after midnight and wake up around nine in the morning. If I don't force myself to stay up and keep this up it'll be nice being up when other people are and having time to maybe even get the breakfast!

Well I better get going, I have to get in the shower before dinner, just in case I run into Becca and her friends down there and because of the fact that it was so fucking hot out that I think I just need a shower. But there is good news, tonight there should be a cold front, so it'll get cold!

...not cold, but cooler and I'll take that over this right now!