For Me This Is Heaven...

It's nights like this that I would kill to have someone to curl up next to in bed and just lay there with an open window in a moonlit room with the fan blowing lightly and no other sound in the room save for the two of us breathing...

I guess my imagination just gets away from me at times, I need to get a handle on myself here. Things are just starting to get more and more boring, and I feel like I'm going to die just sitting around here.

I'm ready to get back to school and just work, I know I'll have to really work this next sememster, I slacked off waaaaaay too much the last time. Marisa was so right about everything she said to me that one day.

I'm going to vow right now to turn things around next semester, and as for the summer I am going to do some classes now too, to take the load off later.

Well I need to get back to what I was talking about so deeply last night, I went into this thing about preferences. So many of the types of girls I talked about on here yesterday are based on girls that we know.

I mean there's probably a good reason for everything that we like, the preferences we have. I mean the girl that used to baby sit me when I was 3, lets call her Shannon, is probably where I got my love of legs from. I remember I used to sit on the floor with her watching television and playing games. I would sit right between her legs and they were so smooth. She played volleyball and had the perfect body. Even now when I see her I remember that.

My love of red hair I know comes from a daughter of one of my dad's friends that I used to play with. My earliest memory of her is when we were three and I took a toy from her and she bit me. I never saw her as anything but this annoying little girl back then despite the fact I thought she was pretty.

Well the last time that I saw her was at my brother's wedding, this was about five years back. She was gorgeous. Beautiful long red hair, crystaline blue eyes, perfect body, skin and attitude to boot. We danced for a while. It was really nice, I wish I knew where she was right now, I would so go see her.

I need to get on with whatever, its still drizzling here, but on a night like tonight, people should be out enjoying the cool weather, I wish that I had someone to sit out on the grass with on a blanket, and look up at the sky. Maybe watch some of the lightening flare up to the south of our house, it would reflect in the pond and we could pretend it was fireworks. I would just look over at her and say:

For Me This Is Heaven.

Deleted

I had to delete something here that was supposed to be an html test, I don't want anyone to think I'm editing content or something...

The Search Feature And Preferences...

Before I get started I would just like to go on the record as having said that I wish my mind had a search feature. The reason I say this is because there are some things in there that are just lost to me...

Perfect example, about two years ago a friend and I, PJ was the friend, would watch A LOT of the Jenny Jones show, its not something that a guy likes to admit, but Jenny is pretty good looking and the show wasn't on the leavel of Maury where it annoys me.

Well there was a character that used to make fun of the guests on the show, they called him Rude Jude, he was pretty funny. Well one day I kind of slipped up and when I was talking about the guy and I called him Mean Jean.

For months PJ thought that was the funniest shit in the world. We both did, and it was pretty hilarious. Now when someone slips up with a name like that, we call it a Mean Jean.

Later on that month I said somethig else almost exactly comparable to the Mean Jean indicident only we can't remember what was said. It bothers us on almost a daily basis and it has been two years. I swaer we laughed for five minutes about this and laughed about it until we forgot what the fuck was so funny.

It pisses me off that I can't just hit search in my mind and find this thing! We've even thought about finding a hypnotist. Well this is the part where the seriousiness starts, if you can call it that.

Today was a series of interesting conversations that was surrounded by a lot of moving around and just hanging out. For starters my mother woke me up at 8:00 A.M..

I had just gone to bed at five, but I snuck back to bed when she left home around 11 because I needed to, I as in bad shape. I woke back up at 2 and proceeded to call Spike.

I went out to his house with the intention of doing God knows what and I ended up talking to him and his mom and just hanging out for a while. Then we got to go see his friend and some of her friends. I have to say that the more often that I see this girl she is getting more and more attractive, I am going to have to come up with her soon, she might become a little bit more important on this blog later on.

So we all sat at the table and talked, some other girls were there but I wasn't as concerned with them, for the most part they were too wild for my tastes.

This is where the talking part comes in, Spike and I started to talk about girls and things that we like in girls. Well things that we like body—wise. We came to the conclusion that as long as a girl is porportionally shapped we're fine.

That is to say that we don't like huge breasts or big asses, just normal sized women. Big pluses for girls with glasses, redheads, or Italians. We basically stated out right that the most beuatiful nationalities in Europe are the Irish and the Italians. I'm sure a lot of men would agree with us.

I'll go into more about this tomorrow, just make sure that everyone who reads this understands, Spike and I do not hold women to a strict standard, we're just talking preferences!. Well, I'm out of here.

A Dream Come True...

Maybe its a good thing that I have people like Kay around. Thank you for the long talks, there's nothing as refreshing as finding someone out there who knows just how you feel!

I feel better when I talk to someone who just nods their head at what I say and understands me almost completely. It's comforting to know you're not alone.

It was kind of odd, I mentioned something that I hadn't really thought about in a long time today when I was talking with Kay, I used to be hell bent on being in the F.B.I., it used to be all I wanted. I know now that's a near impossibile, but I was just wondering what dreams did you used to have that you realized had to just be given up?

Now pretty much all I really hope to accomplish is a happy stable family, and a decent job. I think I can pull that off, as a matter of a fact I'm sure I can.

I guess simple dreams are the best, dreams that don't involve names or specifics. Unfortunately for most of us we something that we think is ideal and we go after it. Some people dream of being with celebirty women, some people have dreams of acting, or making it big in sports. All of that's just too complicated the the odds are so against you.

Dreams are good to have, but its best not to let you get too carried away with them.

"Hope II"

Hope, its funny that this word is in strong text. Because Hope is a strong feeling. As I said before it is a refusal to give up on something that is seemingly lost. Humans hope all of the time, we hope even without realizing it.

We hope it won't rain when we go to the beach, we hope that the cafe is not out of coffee, things like that, no matter how small are big regardless of how you see them because hope is impossible for any other creature except for a human to feel

People will read this and ask did I go around and test other creautres on Earth, did I ask them what were their hopes if any? No I don't have to. Hope takes extreme amounts of intelligence. It's not something that you can just conjur up, hope also would show a lot of imagination because unlike most animals do, when they accept things as they are and adapt, we as humans have the ability to look at how things are and wish they were different.

Of course all of this isn't my own idea, I got the idea after watching Evangelion and hearing some lines that were said about Angels having no hope and not even unmderstanding it. Often hope will even be irrational because what someone hopes for may go against all odds. But no matter, because to them it is important enough for them to wish for.

"Hope"

Hope exists in as many forms as there are people, for the only place that hope can dwell is within the human heart. Have you ever thought about this? It's ture, no other creature alive hopes, with maybe th exception of God. Even the Angels can't hope, hope is a refuse to accept circumstance and be put down by it.

I guess I could go into this deep discussion of what I mean, but its just odd how I can hope for something that is seemingly impossible.

There is a line in a song that I was talking about, the line goes:

There are moments when, when I know it and the world revolves around us. And we're keeping it, keeping it all going, the delicate blanace. Vulnerable, all knowing.

That line in the song just says something that I think a lot of times we disregard. It is possible to have the world revolving around one person for just a short time, or even easier to say, it is possible for someone else's world revolve around you.

You can have the power to make one descion that the whole world hinges on and waits for, something that could change everything. Do you remember when I talked about Six Degrees of Separation?

That ever concept is where all of this comes from, the things we do always effect other people, no matter what we'd like to think. The things that we do can save another person from themselves or someone else, its a good thing to think about as you go about you're day.

Never Say Never

Being at home all day blows dog, I've been

reduced to watching Maury, and if you've watched

Maury, you know that every episode

involves a test of who the father of someone's baby

is. I'm impressed with how people can cheat lie,

and dieceve someone they claim to love so much.

I don't want to go into that mess right now, it

just pisses me off more and more to think about it.

So I won't. I have been drawing and writing again,

which is really good. I really didn't write there

for a while.

Well that's not all that I have to talk about,

while Marisa and her ex—as she put it, under

construction. I hope for her sake it goes well I

just don't want to see her hurt. In my case Spike

seems to have set me up with a pretty good girl,

one of his friends he's known for like his whole

life is really pretty and she's sweet.

She's kind of in the same place I am

relationship wise, and she seems pretty down to

Earth. I don't know what else to say on here, I met

her last week when I went out to see Star

Wars with Spike.

Things went well, so I guess I'll have to just

wait and see how things go, either way I hope that

when everything with this is said and done no one

ends up hurt.

Has anyone heard of the song

"Existentialism on Prom Night" by

Straylight Run? It's really good, I'm like

addicted to it. It's been a while since a song has

conveyed my feelings about a time so accurately. I

think you can pretty much apply it to anytime in

your life when it seems like a chapter of your life

is ending and another is begining.

I Want To Be...

I guess after the post I did Saturday I just

needed some kind of a buffer between this and that.

This journal has been around a long time you

know.

I'm getting used to the idea of having a well

documented life in this thing, but not just a

document of my life, but one of my thoughts that I

can look back at and just say, wow, I really

felt that way.

Life in Houston leaves a lot to be

desired—I think that the last time I was

happy here was on prom night, and not even my own

prom, the prom at the school one town over...I have

pictures and in all of them I look so happy. I

guess because things really do change when you

leave high school. Its hard to really be happy at

home anymore.

I have found a bit of something I should have

been doing long ago, I should have been working on

my comic! I have all of these new characters I

haven't added—like Marisa and some of the

other people from school.

If I start making regular comic strips again I

will put one up on this blog every week, aren't

I nice?.As I've mentioned before, I

love Redheads. And this point has been

driven home by my large collection of

Lindsay Lohan and Julianne

Moore pictures, the two of them are just

spectacuilar.

I have also found a new musical love, well not

new per say, I've known about her for a

while, Spike re—introduced me to Japanese Pop

Star Utada Hikaru, if you think

you've never heard her beautiful voice then think

again; she is the singer of the main theme song to

the bastard—child product of

Square—Enix and Walt

Disney, Kingdom Hearts. And

for those who don't play games, the song was all

over the commercials!

I love her voice, its so perfect, and she even

sings good in english, as you can see in her

version of the classic Fly Me To The Moon.

Anyone who knows me, knows I love that

fucking song! But perhaps her best is this song I think is called I Want to Be, its got some crazy voice effects and mixing, I love the remix especially.

Well I have other stuff to get to today, later

on if time permits I might have to add a new

character to the blog, we'll just see. I'm out.

Not Much

I guess this is just one of those days when I don't have much to write, I'm going to Spike's today to hang out. Not much to say here.

A Warning...

Women aren't weak, a lot of people would like

you to think they are, some of those people happen

to be women themselves. When you think something's

weak you underestimate it at times. It's a good

tactic.

But just like any other thing out there, a

person can only take so much. A person can only

stand against so much before they crack and become

weak for real. All people are like this.

I've known so many girls over the years, so many

of them had a load of problems. I've had friends

that did everything from take money for sex (she

was only 15) to almost anything else you can

imagine.

It's hard for me to really be surprised by

things that happen, but this isn't about my

surprise, this isn't even about me. This is about

those guys that would cheat on a good girl, this is

about those guys that think that they can't wait

for sex or just need extra sex so bad.

Cheating is bad, I've mentioned it before on

this blog, more than once. And I've been told that

I should lead by example, I should just worry about

myself.

Apparently you don't know me very

well. I have a problem where I care about

others; I have a have some kind of deficiency where

I have general concern for friends...sorry if

that's so wrong.

I hate to see a great woman hurt by something as

absurd as cheating. I hate to see women hurt in

general because it seems to happen so much. I see

guys get hurt but its in a different way, its to a

lesser degree because most guys seem to take on the

assumption that Any girl will

do.

Today I got a call from Marisa, her

ex—boyfriend cheated last semester. She was

devastated and still loves him. The part that

bothers me is he is trying to worm his way back

into her life.

He tells her that he loved her all of the time

and that he wants to be with her. Well after they

broke up he went out and slept with girls right and

left instead of trying to get her back. Then he

said that was because he thought he couldn't

get her. So he goes and tells her about all of

the girls right after he did this, he says he did

that to make her jealous.

You don't make someone jealous that you love,

you don't hurt someone you love. And you don't

cheat on someone you love. I mean what if he had

gotten her sick from those other girls, what would

he say then after he's ruined her life and possible

killed her?

Is it that hard to tell her that you're over,

you don't think you can do it? Is distance the

problem, well then maybe you can't be in an adult

relationship...

I'd like to say, if he ever sees this, if he

ever has to hear this: You've broken a good

girl,an otherwise perfect girl, you've wasted her

valuable time on your sorry ass. She was hurt,

she still is hurt, more than she knows, more than

anyone can probably ever know.

I see it in her eyes, I see it when she mentions

you're fucking name or talks to you on the phone

and tries to pretend that being friends is okay. I

look at her and I see everything I could

ever want, any guy could ever want. And I tell you

this right now, I am holding back, I am holding

back from telling her what she wanted to know, I am

holding back even now.

I will say this much, you're a little

boy who had a woman, a woman who was more than

any little boy could handle. She had to be

there to hold you hand and make sure you didn't

cheat and the second she leaves

for college you go buck wild.

okay, so you got greedy, you

wanted it all, all the women you could get? Well

guess what greed is one of the

Seven Deadly Sins and if you ever

hurt her again I hope you burn in

Hell for it you

trust—betraying—bastard. I hope she can

see you for what you really are...a piece of shit.

And no matter if she thinks you can change you, you

have to want to yourself. So no matter if she

shapes you into the most beautiful statue, the

second she turns her back, you'll go right back to

acting like what you are—shit.

A Woman Far Away...

Got up early, I know for anyone who knows me

personally that's hard to believe. But I guess

going to be early does help the process a lot. Kind

of hard to see how I got up with the way my backs

been hurting after I moved all my stuff. I'm

reeling from a dream I had last night, I just think

dreams I have are almost always sure to be

crazy.

So this dream last night, what did it invovle?

Well it started out with going to Austin to see

Marisa, that's always good. I mean I have yet to do

it and I am sure that the first time will be odd

and a little bit awkward.

I mean last time I saw this girl I told

her how much I liked her well it

wasn't the last time, and I didn't exactly go into

how much I liked her. The thing is that some

girls seem to work on this system that things have

to sink in.

I know that Marisa works like this, she has

proven this to me on several occasions. One of the

most easily remembered is when she was cleaning up

her room and I let her borrow my mop, when I was

over there watching her clean I just started

mopping.

I mopped her whole floor three times over, once

with water, once with bleach, and again with the

water. She was getting sleepy by the time I

finished so I just left when I was done.

The next day she called me up randomly and all

she said was, You mopped my floor. I was

just replied Yeah. She repeated it again,

and I replied Yeah, Marisa, I mopped your

floor. She seeemed to be in shock despite the

fact it had happened over twelve hours before.

I was kind of surprised that it had that effect

on her, so what I'm afraid of is what happened in

my dream. The rest of the dream is, well I

go to Austin...

As I've probably mentioned I hate and

despise the city of Austin. It is so, just

wrong. So here I am in this city I told her I hated, and I also told her before she left that the only reason for me to be there is to see her. When I see her the reaction is not what I expected.

She's shocked at the fact I like her, she's shocked that I feel like I feel about her. But of course the reaction to what I told her has taken more than a meager twelve hours.

I guess this shouldn't scare me, but it does, things catching me off guard scare me. I hope that some day I do get a chance with Marisa, I don't know how—women seem so distant. And just like was said in one of my favorite show, the Japanese symbol used for she means a woman far away.

No matter what, women will always seem to be so far away. They'll always seem to be on a distant shore seperated by a wide Gulf...Marisa, while closer than most women, more mature than most girls of our age at the same time, is still a woman, still way out there.Guess I better find a boat or learn the breath—stroke...I'm not going to let this go. This is just something I feel strongly about.

...For the Sake Of...

Now, I know what my summer will mean, it will

mean a time when I can recover from all that's

happened this past year, for one I need to get back

to writing and drawing.

The only real writing I did last semester was

the writing in this blog. I was actually proud of

my blog, proud of what it has become.

I have so much that I want to work on this

summer, I have at least two stories I want to

attempt and I have some stuff I would really love

to draw. I was looking over the classes at the

nearby college and I saw that I can take some art

calsses.

I declared art my minor, I bet none of you knew

that shit huh? Well I love art!, not really, I like drawing and painting and stuff like that, but I hate the artist for the simple fact that some of them get so stuck up and weird with it.

Weird for the sake of weird kind of bugs me. People who are like that with music goes the same. This guy was talking about the band System of a Down on this forum and he was saying how they are popular but popularity shouldn't keep you from liking how good they are.

Nothing is more fucked up than people hating something based on the simple fact that it is well liked. Fuck you, you should like something because of its content, not because of what other think of it.

Just remember, no one will find you special because of the fact you hate well liked things, and if anyone does their stupid. It's not cool or unique to hate things that other's like. It's not even mysterious. It's just dumb...

Bored

Finally I've begun to settle in here in Houston, things are already

starting to piss me off. I would much rather be back in San Antonio, I

feel like I could have had an easier time starting up there, getting a

job and waiting for school to start back, maybe even getting a few

classes in here and there.

I spent alot of yesterday hanging out with some friends from here and

town, I guess I don't have to make up names for them, I've made up so

many names that its hard to just throw some more out there. Maybe I will,

just because its fun.

Oh, yeah I got the last of the Evangelion DVD box

set, I love DVDs, its like I collect the damn things. I could watch

movies all day, right now I think that I'm going to try and get a job at

this huge electronics store, my goal is to buy a graphics card from them

when I get the job, but not just any card, I want a Radeon All In

Wonder Card so I can play Guild Wars more. There's also the

fact that I could use the money I get from working there to go see

Marisa.

Yeah, I'm still thinking about that. I'll just have to deal.

Being here on the dial up is humbling, I mean its slow as hell in almost

everything with the exception of the Messengers. I want to try and play

my game more, but I doubt it will work. Well if it doesn't I will just

start playing Final Fantasy VIII, I need something to do around here.

Change Of Venue

Well here I am at home on the e-machine.

This will be my frist full day back in Houston, and one

of the few times I post on my blog from another

computer.

So far things have been alright, but I miss what I

had up there in San Antonio. One cool thing is I might

have a car next year, my dad bought an H2, so he's

basically got no use for the old Buick, enter me.

I hope to get closer to Marisa just by being able to

go up to Austin and see her from time to time, I plan to

survive the rest of my days by having a car and getting

myself a decent job somewhere in San Antonio.

Get ready for there to be so much less drama in this

blog for the next two months or so, because there is no

one to give me the drama! College caused alot of things,

so now there will be more rants and lessons and just

discussion topics than anything. Basically this blog has

gone from being like the TNT network to

something more like PBS. Also since Julia is

gone, Spike and her might get blogs for communication

tools, I can't wait, finally someone around me who has a

stable blog!

This summer will be an experiment in seeing if I can

make the best with of what I'm given, let me tell you

later how it works out...

One Last Time With Feeling

It's hard to even type this, I've been going on four hours of sleep,

and I didn't really get to go to bed until three this afternoon, it was

worth it, I had a good reason, the reason is Marisa, she left and I had

to see her one last time here. I had to just hug her, give her a card and

wish her well. I felt like it's kind of like, hmm, a

responsibilty for me to do that.

I know I will see her again, I can't just let this go

unanswered, I can't just sit around and ignore this. She was one of the

best friends I had here, she kept me safe, she protected me, maybe

without even knowing it.

I'm alone in this dorm now, Spike is with Julia, and that makes me

feel bad too, this is the last time they will see each other until this

coming Christmas, what a gift that will be for him, I know I

can't even buy him anything, what could even measure on any scale for him

after recieving something like that. His one true love back in his

arms.

I feel this obligation to be there for him this summer, to help him

through this, because it's going to be hard for him, harder than it ever

has been for me. I want something sure, but its something I've never even

had with a girl who I've never been with. What he wants is something he

used to have availble to him on an almost weekly basis. That compaionship

is not able to be replaced, that feel of comfort is not replicable.

It's not something that you can just pull out of your ass and make

work, its not something that you can just pretend to have with some

person. Cheating wouldn't bring it, and he wouldn't cheat on her anyhow,

he'd rather die. He feels the same about cheating as I do.

I feel like things are about to get rough, things are going to be

challenging and I'm going to need my friends to help me through just like

they'll need me and their other friends. I've said it before, I only

trusted three people here, I mean really trusted, Spike is here,

and will be in Houston with me, Marisa is gone to Austin, and Auska will

be here the summer.

The pillars of support are falling away, our little family here at

University of Texas at San Antonion is falling apart, we're back to where

we were when we first got here, we'll be in a strange world. Yes, I said

it, home, my home in Houston is a strange world to me. I

feel more comfortable here, but I must make due there. I must deal...

I love this place, I will miss room 8.106, I will miss the cute girls

across from me and the smell of their cigarettes outside, I will miss

Kramer's phone ringing constantly through the wall, the tumping base of

rap music as he entertained a lady, I will miss people bursting into our

door whenever the fuck they pleased, I will miss the Minstrel's

nervousness around girls, deep late night talks with Spike, Rei and her

silly litle boots, I will miss Auska's stubborness, I

will miss going out to Wal-Mart at all hours of the morning, I'm

sure to miss Julia's surprise visits and so many other things that I

can't even name them all. I will be back here, but the here I

knew won't be here, if that makes any sense. This place will never be the

same.

I guess I have things to look forward to, things to be happy about and

alot to be thankful for, thank you God for giving me a wonderful year

here at UTSA. And to many more (not too many). Oh and Evan, if you're

out, I just wanted to say, much love and everything for choosing to go

into the army, defend our country and be a hero, you rank right up there

with my dad man, much respect to you.

Next time I do this, I'll be fighting with a dial up connection to do

this. Everyone remember, ladies especially—everything's longer on

dial-up.

_{Me, Marisa, and Spike}

End of an Era

I should be packing to move out, but instead I'm just sitting around

thinking, I've gotten accoustmed to many of the things around here and

I'm going to have to give those same things up very soon and that scares

me.

I really wish I knew what to say but I don't so I think I just need to

try and go on. I will miss my dorm room, I will miss things here more

than I've missed things in other places. It hurts to know this, it hurts

to think something I was so opposed to at first has become all that I

want.

Now it's morning and I have an exam in a little under three hours, by

the time I get this posted it'll probably be two. My mind isn't as sharp

as it should be for this kind of thing. But I think that I will be fine.

Does it seem odd to anyone that I am not excited about going home for the

summer, I would rather just stay here and attend classes or

something.

My head is in turmoil, it's thrown me for a loop how things are just

coming to an end here. It feels like I'm leaving for good, but I know I'm

not. And I know I should be happy because next semester Alli and Ambrosia

will be back. But things just seem kind of strange.

What I mean to say is I want this year to

stay. I don't think I could stress this enough really, has

anyone ever wanted to just freeze a moment in time, I want to freeze a

time period. All I can say is that what's to come might be better than

what has gone by.

I only hope that things could get better after this.

Farewell...

I never thought having a friend that makes you feel so good

could even be possible, I mean Marisa makes me smile no matter

when I come around her. Just being with her is enough to make me happy

and that's something that you can never get enough of.

It's hard knowing that she is going to be gone next year, its hard

knowing that tomorrow might be the last time I see her for a while. I'm

glad I didn't hesitate, I think that its good we didn't waste the last

few hours we'll have together on this whole thing.

I want to say I won out by having a friend this good with me here this

year, I think I couldn't have stumbled upon a better friendship; I go

from seeing her as some girl in my class I probably never had a chance to

be friends with, to hanging out at her place on an almost daily basis, to

liking her alot, enough to actually say something.

This year has been one hell of a trip and its odd to say that this

blog, in one way or form has been here as part of it all, there are

periods where I didn't touch it for almost a month (I think). I feel

refreshed to have come here to, to this school and met the people I have

met and seen the things I have seen.

Marisa if you ever read this, I just wanted to say thanks for always

being there, this is like the third time I've said it I know,

but it's damn important to me. I only hope I can talk to you and help you

through any problems that you may have to come, just give me a call. On a

funnier side note, isn't it odd how the girl I went to just to talk to

ends up being the girl I'm going to miss having around the most?

You are really something special.

Before Crisis

Well not much to say as of now, I haven't talked to Marisa yet, but

there is this. I am planning on drawing a picture of my characters from

my story based on this picture from the upcoming game Final

Fantasy VII:Before Crisis.

alt="Image hosted by Photobucket.com">

Here's the Link to the bigger image: FF:BC.

The pose is just priceless, I mean its so cool and action filled, I loved the Turks in that game (the assassins) and while my story is about a group of F.B.I. agents this is a fitting pose for them too.

I guess it has been forever since I posted drawings on this thing, so let me do it right here and now just to let people know I can draw! Here's a Character Design for a demon hunter.

Here is one of what I thought would be my new character set for the comic, Shinji and Janus are actually in this one, they are both on the far right. Oh well, Cait Sith colored it for me, did a damn good job...The Comic

Now here's something for the ladies, this is a picture of Stroud (from my story) I drew it with one of my friends in mine, she loved it: Stroud.

One of Rei

I had to do one of the infamous comic, Almost Never.

Last but not least here's one of Megs, from back home.

That should be enough for now

Retiring the Magi...

The Magi system has a fault, and the fault is that, unlike on

the televsions show, the Magi I used were human, they split on

descions sometimes.

I tried to explain what I did yesterday, but for those of you like

Autumn who didn't really understand what I was babbling about, and I

am sure there are several, let me explain what I was talking about:

There is this show called Neon Genesis Evangelion, its probably

one of the most popular conterversial anime series'.

I know few people are interested in anime and all, but the show deals

with moral issues and things of a sexual manner. But this isn't the

point, so let me get to it. The basic idea of the show is its the year

2014 and the Earth is under attack by Angels, yes in the literal

sense. Well the governments of the world were crippled in a

catostrophic event in the year 2000. Well I degress.

The real point is because of the crippled the governement the world

depends on the U.N. as a governing body and the individual countires

depend on three super computers for the things they simply can't decide

on, these computers are called the Magi, which

is why I called the three advice givers, The Magi.

I hope that cleared it all up for the people who didn't get it. Now,

as for what I am going to do, I realize I have been going about this

thing the wrong way the whole time. I will go talk to her tomorrow

because I have been relying on outdated information this whole time. Most

of the strategies I have, most of the things I thought are with the

intention of winning a different girl over because I tried to do it so

long.

Something Spike said hit home, There are definately no other girls

around like 'Marisa'. So why am I treating her like she's some

other girl. I should simply go talk to her and tell her how I feel, I

need to stop living by this highschool mentality of,

what do my friends? Is she going to hate me? Will other people see us

and think she's pretty?

Who gives a fuck, I want this and if she wants it something very good

could happen, but this is for me and her. I don't need to worry

about her getting bent out of shape and behaving in some off the wall

childish way, this is college, just like Autumn said,

she's an adult, she'll be 19 in six days, I'm sure we can discuss this

and handle this in an adult way.

We shouldn't have to deal with childish bullshit here, and I'm going

to tell her straight up about how I asked her that question to see what

she thought about the potential of us going out. I'm going to

tell her that for the last few weeks how her name has been in almost

every entry. I am going to tell her that I can see her with ease this

summer, and I will be sure to tell her that unlike what happened

to her last time, I'll never cheat on her. I'll never let her down in

that way, and no matter what I'm there for her.

Now get the fuck out of here, don't you have shit to do?

What Do The Magi Say?!

I have been away for a while for the simple fact that I usually make a

post before I head to bed, that being said, I never went to bed last

night. So this post comes at an odd time in the day, you usually

wouldn't find me posting here. This is about the time I would be doing

some other activity, like going to the UC or some shit like that, doesn't

matter.

Last night and into this morning Spike solved so many of the problems

that seemed to arise when I think about the situation that I would have

seeing Marisa next semester. I worried about it, how would I get to

her, what about this, what do I say to her?

This morning it dawned on me, as Spike said that he realized this a

while back. I have the perfect oppurtunity to see her plenty of times, my

father works forty miles from where she'll be living, yes, I know

I am a dumbass.

I had a talk with her earlier today and it was very

interesting. I'll keep the details of it to myself, but let's say that I

used the Magi system from Neon Genesis Evangelion to my

great advantage. The system in the show worked this way, there were three

super computers, one that thought as a scientist, one as a woman and the

other as a mother. Well I told her I had the scientist and the woman down

pat, but I needed the third side. I told her basically that I needed some

advice and it was better to get it from three trusted people and then use

a majority vote and go with it. But what I really did was viacarously ask

her about herself.

She is a perfect candidate for this because of the fact that

she is resoanable and I trust her. So I bascially asked her about herself

without letting her know. It was risky and I even dropped huge hints that

I'm sure she will pick up on later or she'll at least suspect something.

Marisa's not dumb.

The hard part is figuring out what to do with sed extracted

information, because she bascially gave me what I got from Spike and

Auska in a combination sort of fashion. Its hard to really describe what

I mean. Let me try to go about this in a fashion that will allow me to

show off more of my HTML skillz

Here are the my Magi's descions they are numbered acoording

to the Magi to which the corrispond:

Magi #3 Spike(scientist): Wait and then

ask her after the friendship develops. But maintain the friendship until

then.







Magi #2 Auska(woman): Ask her right away,

don't let her leave not know it!







Magi #1 Marisa(mother):(the stand in

Magi) A combination of the two based on situation...

_{The pictures corrispond to the Magi they would have been from the show}

What she basically said is that I should do it if she'll be nearby,

but if not there's no need to work at this long distance relationship.

See next year she'll be about an hour's drive from here and I am more

than willing to step up and go see her whenever possible, but in this

situation she doesn't know it's her I feel this for. So I really

want to try and get a revote from the other two Magi. I

know you have been all saying I should go for it for sometime now, but

what do you guys think?

Allow me to state this one point, Spike seems to

think if I like her and it goes unspoken that the building tension will

be enough to make her want me more. Auska seems to think

that if I let it go on to long she'll lose interest or find someone else.

Marisa seems to think somewhere in the middle. I can

honestly say I understand the final vote Marisa gave, because in this

triangle of reasoning she was assuming my place because I don't

want to try and reason for myself on this one.

I know the delimna of the last Magi because I am that

part normally.

So I Got Bored

Your Taste in Music:

90's Alternative: Highest Influence

90's Rock: Highest Influence

Alternative Rock: Highest Influence

Adult Alternative: High Influence

Ska: High Influence

90's Hip Hop: Medium Influence

90's Pop: Medium Influence

Punk: Medium Influence

80's Alternative: Low Influence

80's R&B: Low Influence

80's Rock: Low Influence

90's R&B: Low Influence

Classic Rock: Low Influence

Dance: Low Influence

R&B: Low Influence

How's Your Taste in Music?

Move Across The Door

Well I guess there will be no regular post for today, suffice to say I'm in a pretty bad little place right now and I don't really feel like having to explain it. I need to get to bed

One good thing is I had a nice time watching The Usual Suspects with Marisa, Spike, Marisa's roommate and the Minstrel. I am so tried right now though, so I might have to go into all of that at a later time. Oh and Kay, I will try to take care of myself, don't worry.

The title of this is the name of one of the songs from Fullmetal Alchemist. I don't feel like looking the lyrics up so eh...I'll do all this tomorrow.

All And Some Times

I have to write this to just say something about the way that some women are with men. I think that its hard for them to understand something aobut blanket statments and about how when they say things about how terrible men are it includes their men friends.

Yeah I know what you're thinking, the same kind of blanket statement your making right now? Well not really, because I said some and not all. When I hear phrases like all guys are going to cheat it pisses me off to some extent. Because not only does it make me think about how much I hate cheating, but it also makes me think look you're giving him an excuse. One day he'll just go, You knew how I was when you dated me, you knew I would cheat.

Yeah that's right girls, not all men are predisposed to cheating. Some of us want to lead long healthy relationships. I get tired of being lumped into this male category or even worse not being considered male at all simply because when a girl makes a statment like that she thinks only of the guys she has known romatnically.

Well fuck, what about the rest of us, what about the guys that work so hard to maintain this concrete sense of self that doesn't include binges of drinking, mindless sex, or cheating. I know a girl here that made a statement of something along the lines of All guys want to cheat.

Sorry, that's the wrong answer.

If I love someone enough to stay with them I don't need to cheat, and it if I stop loving them to the point I can love someone else, I don't need to be with them in the first place. I can break up with them before I have to go cheat—or what would have been cheating had I just not ended it.

And I know Marisa said that she knows several guys that say that same thing, but I'm not several guys [neither is Spike], and I know you're not that irrational, you know what I'm talking about and you understood that last night at the table.

But how can you sit across from two guys, one of which is in a stable realtionship, and say that all guys will one day cheat and not expect us to go off. It doesn't even make me angry as much as it makes me think, Look what these other fucking guys have done, they just make it harder for guys like me.

Real, regular entry tonight...

It's Not Like I'm Typing in Klingon...

Today——today couldn't really have gone better, it had just the right things in it to make it a great day. I love days like this, I love days where all of the little things that seem to annoy you are just gone and for what may just be a brief moment All is right in the world, it all comes into focus.

This world seems to spend most of its time out of focus a blurry mess of misunderstood words, hurt feelings and unintended outcomes. I've been a folly to them all, but at the same time hurt feelings can turn into better friends, misunderstood words can suddenly become clear and unintended outcomes can be for the best.

Right now I'm weighing things, trying to figure out if what I've been pondering over for the last few weeks is something that I need to take action on. I don't need to mention the issue, I don't have a reason to, if you've been keeping up then it should be so clear by now.

Well without going into all of that we went to Chili's tonight and then afterwards we went and saw Amityville Horror. Very good horror film, I liked it actually. It's the best one I've seen in a while. Probably the best to have come out since The Ring.

Before we got to the movies, while we were still at dinner the conversation switched to something that was kind of unexpected. Marisa and Auska started talking about guys cheating and how all of them will eventually do it.

Now I know a lot of guys that have cheated and I think its a terrible thing, why not just break up with the girl? But at the same time I would never do something like that, hell talking to two girls in a romantic way at the same time seems wrong to me—liking a girl and trying to talk to another is hard for me!.

I don't know what kind of person it takes to be able to lie to someone like that and cheat on them and just generally deceive them. I could never keep something like that from someone, let alone do it in the first place. And it seems like guys have come up with some of the best bullshit reasons to try it anyway.

Oh, well it wasn't cheating, you were in a different area code. Now we all know that was bullshit, and yet some guys think it makes sense. Ha, and we're supposed to be the logical ones? What's worse is some of the women help them do it. They say things like a certain someone I know here did:

[This was about Usher]He's young and rich and famous, how can he not be expected to cheat when he has all of that going for him?

I'll tell you how, he can be a real man, and anyone who wants to argue in Usher's defense I dare you because you can't say a God Damned thing and it isn't worth your time trying! Any guy that cheats, rich or not deserves to be kicked to the curb, there's no excuse for it and its not cute, or youthful or fun and games. Not one needs to be cheating!

Oh and one more thing, for all of the girls out there who think my view on oral sex is stupid and think its their place to change my mind, stop it, I don't change my mind often and over something like this, why does it really matter? It's not like I used some bullshit argument that depended on the definition of the word sodomy, and its not gay sex, it's noncoital and especially anal or oral copulation with a member of the opposite sex —sod·om·it·ic.

Besides, I didn't say I didn't want oral sex, I didn't call every woman who gives a guy oral sex whore or something so stop acting like I did, I said I'd prefer to give to her, some of you people read like you listen, half-assed. I just asked that guys consider the women in their lives a little more. When Autumn told the girls how to make the guys feel better, the guys were all raving and so were the girls, I kind of did the opposite [in less detail]. I mean its not like I'm typing in Klingon, fuck, just pay close attention!

I'm done.

_{Edited at 5:54 AM}

Time's Running Out...

Back in the swing of things, here we are. I've been playing alot of Guild Wars, but I really don't want to go into it now. I don't know what to say about the game.

On a more interesting note I have been watching more X-Files lately. has anyone ever heard of this actress, Katharine Isabelle, that played in one of the episodes? She's very pretty. I found a few photos of her.

_{Alright, this is her, isn't she pretty.}

_{This one is really nice, too, although the quality is kind of low}

_{This is my favorite}

_{And lastly, there's this.}

I've seen like every episode of this show and yet I don't remember her from before.

Now onto what I wanted to discuss, Marisa. I have been getting increasingly nervous around her and today all of it culminated in what happened today. I'm going to negate telling you about most of the day before that until after this little bit. Marisa just walked into the community center while we were there and told me that she was going to the movies and that she would see me later.

Well Auska, whom I was with mistaked this for that she wanted to see me later, so she told me to go up and talk with her. So I go up there to see her and she was kind of shocked I think, well maybe shocked

Well the little thing that happened was that I unwillingly touched her on the butt. It was kind of one of those things you do but don't think about. I was poking at her wallet when it happened. And I even asked her what was in her pocket. I feel like such a dumb ass for that one. I didn't notice what I had done until like an hour later.

Not only that, but Spike was trying to get me to go to the movies with Marisa and I kept thinking I didn't want to get all in her way and stuff and just become annoying. I should have though about the fact that we would be seeing a scary movie and I would be with a girl who gets scared all of the time. I would have been there to comfort her, hell last time that she got scared she wanted to call me. I feel good about that still, it feels good to be trusted like that.

Maybe she's been here reading this damn thing—maybe that's how she knew she could trust me. I don't know who all reads this thing, and I'm surprised everytime I find out someone new does. I feel really dumb for missing an oppurtunity to hang out with her, I know that there won't be many more for a while because she's going to transfer after this semester. That scares me a bit, I don't know what I'll do next semester.

I want to tell her how I feel and how much I'd just like to try something out, but the words never seem to come.

Response

Things got a little heated around here after Autumn's post about about how men should repsect women more. I've been saying this for a while, and usually when I do it people act like I'm some kind of a dick or a traitor for opening my mouth.

Now I have to say that Autumn hit it home with the most recent post, she basically gave points about what she thinks good men do, and I can agree with her, although I can't deny having done some of the things on the list wrong. Below I have listed the things I think I do wrong and right

They don't have prejudgements about women (at least they don't speak them out loud). Always assuming this or that woman is high maintanance or bitchy. Get to know us first, don't judge us by the cover. I know not all women do this with me, I can tell you, I rarely just a book by it's cover, in fact, I don't look at the covers, I look at what's inside, but I can't make everyone like that.

I'm sorry to say that I have a problem with being prejudgemental...I mean even when I first met Marisa I was completely wrong about her. I saw her sitting down the hall against the wall, just like me, but she was reading a book and I thought she was really pretty but just figured her to be rude or mean, so I stayed away from her for most of the first semester.

Now I know the opposite to be true, she's such a sweetheart and so fun to be around and I was totally wrong about her.

They don't degrade women with words or actions in any way. (like when the guys at work (married men at that) talk about the "hot chick" at work and how "fine her ass is" and that they shouldn't have fired her even though she wasn't doing her work because "at least she's nice to look at"... all the while saying these degrading things in front of other female coworkers.

Okay, sometimes I say things like hot, I don't mean it as an insult or anything, I don't mean it to be degrading, and I definately don't use the word fine. I don't ever degrade women because of the fact that they are women. I degrade on a person to person basis, depending on if they're nice or not. I'm an equal oppurtunity degrader and most of the time I'm targeting guys anyway.

They don't let their eyes wonder no matter what kind of woman they are with, be it their girlfriend or wife, mother or sister, coworker or friend. It's just rude. If you're going to do it, wear sunglasses or do it descreetly. When you're with a woman, give her your full attention, you can be sure that she's giving you hers!

I do this one all of the time, but so do the women I hang out with for the most part. I think its just an effect of being at a college in San Antonio, there's just too many beautiful people. But there are times when you can't pay attention to anything in the room but that one special someone.

They know women are the higher species and I don't say that to be all-knowing, they truely do think women are Goddesses. Look at how amazing we are!!! I believe women are stronger in more ways than men think.

I'm old school thinking that, I've been saying that same shit since like 1998! Word!

They let us be ourselves. Emotional, intellectual, giddy, silly, sexy, slutty, smart, caring, nurturing, judgemental, shy, jealous, fashion inclined (or not), indecisive, whiney, and beautiful.

Unless someone's a major asshole, this pretty much applies to ALL people. If its the way they want to be and it doesn't directly effect you, then leave it alone.

Dammit people, I had a new game I wanted to write about, Guild Wars! and this took up all my time. Oh well. It was fun doing this, I'll have to jump straight into it tomorrow if nothing else comes up.

_{And Autumn, hon, you have to take that right-click protection off! I mean not that it works when you can just diable java, but it could make it hard for other people to respond!}

I Am Jack's Normal Day

First thing's first, I wrote a little ran here, on No Nation Army...please stop in and check it out. I worked moderately hard on it--okay, I hardly worked on it at all, but its still worth a look dammit!

Well suffice to say I am getting better at this whole HTML bit, I am having less and less trouble writing this shit out and its looking better and better. I have gotten down to a fine system and I love using the tags because I have more control. But once again, I am off track (as if I was assigned something...).

Today was something of a blur, I remember waking up and as if it was the next second I'm walking to the University Center with Spike. We ate and waited around there until Auska and Rei showed up. I was really happy to hang out with them, it reminded me of earlier this semester. It makes me stop thinking about the shit that happened with Shinji and Janus.

Then we were walking back, there seemed to be nothing that happened that whole walk and funny thing was my mind kind of started to drift. I was out of it most of the way and I could only make little idle comments. Well the problem is my mind had wander to Marisa, I don't know how or why, but it just had.

By the time we got back to the area of the dorms Spike had run so far ahead that there was no need trying to catch up with him, Auska, Rei and I were behind. So when we stopped where the path forked Rei headed home and I headed to Spike's with Auska. To make a long story short, I ended up hanging out with her because Spike's girlfriend Julia came over.

Not much really happened after that, I cooked, I went and saw Marisa, I just felt really good hanging out with her. I saw that she had cut the flowers I got her, depsite the fact I told her not to. I didn't get mad. I mean she liked them and they were all for her. I just wanted to make her smile and it looks like I got it right.

Well I think I'll head out now, oh before I go does anyone have Guild Wars yet. Its a free MMORPG, it looks like fun. But Spike is on there, his character's name is Ruth Ann Cullen, so if you see him wave.

Sometimes I Just Put A Title Here Because...

What to say about today, well it was kind of slow, I hung out mostly with Marisa and Spike, that's always good. I guess I don't have much to say, I just wanted to mention how much I'm going to hate not having Marisa around next semester. She's like a breath of fresh air when I feel bad. Just today I thought that she was feeling a little down, so I bought her a bouquet of flowers to cheer her up and a vase to put them in.

It was the least I could do for a friend, she really liked them and we sat and talked for about an hour and a half. I finally got what I wanted, we sat and we talked just about each other and it felt really good. We talked about family and friends from home and different experinces. It feels good to get to know her better, it feels good just hanging out.

One thing got me, she went to the store with us and we were getting some stuff, she told me that she needed another journal to write in. So I helped her pick one out. Apparently she wrote in it right after we got back, well, not apparently, she had to have, because I saw it a little when I was talking to her about how she could coustumize the thing. She got really protective of it suddenly like she didn't want me to see. She's let me see before and that makes me wonder what she has in there...

Oh well, tomorrow I am cooking again, I hope I can try and talk to her some more then.

Does anyone else think its nerdy to have you're three harddrives named after the three Wisemen?

What do you think about that?

I Am Jack’s Cartoon Nostalgia

As you can see I've added a new blog to the blogroll over there. It's September Girl, check it out. It's really worth a look, a word to the wise, if you're looking for a way to spice up your sex life, definately check it out.

On to what I really wanted to talk about about today, I was over at Spike's watching anime and on the phone with a friend. Fullmetal Alchemist was on and I noticed something after watching all of them in japanese, the show seems to fit the English better. I think the old stigma about how the orginal japanese is always better is now fading a bit, the acting's not always better.

Has anyone noticed that voice acting on cartoons have gotten generally better over the last few years. Who remembers the show Thunder Cats? I know its not a good memory, the show had terrible voice acting and it was really just a cheap rip-off of He-Man, which is infinitely more badass. I mean they both have the same kind of character set-up, one character you remember the name of, He-Man and in the case of TC Lion-O, then the rest of the characters you don't remember the name of, except Skeletor, he was hardcore.

And even the anime that comes over here from Japan has better voice acting now. Who saw the old Mario Bros. show? It had disgusting voice acting. A Mario movie starring Danny Devito and Arnold Schwarzenegger could be done better than that shit!

Even Pokemon had better acting than most of the shows we watched when we were kids. Pokemon really had a good plot when it was a manga, it was okay even at the start of the show, until that dumbass, Ash, his whore, Misty, and horny friend, Brock started wandering the fucking woods and going from festival to festival! I mean its one thing when it has to do with Pokemon and stuff, but they would stop for the most bullshit of all reasons, I expected the turn on the tv one day and see this:

Ash: Hey Guys Look, Its A Sock Festival!

Brock: I Love Socks.

Misty: Whoa, Let's Go!

I can't even think a straight line anymore, but the real point is, voice acting isn't what it used to be, it used to suck. So when you watch you're kids cartoons or you nephew and nieces are watching something you think is stupid, just think At least their cartoons have good actors.

This has been an overly long post by me.