I'm so sick and tired of my family I don't know what to do, I am sick of them wanting me to do certain things for them as if that's all I have to do and all I want to do on my summer vacation, or lack there of. i am tried of getting phone calls from people bothering me and getting on to me about not doing what they want fast enough.
I'm sick of them, I don't want to be in this city anymore.
I had something unexpected and new happen to me the other day, and this little story might sound a little odd. But I was getting my car inspected the other day and just as they finished this really pretty girl came in. I don't know why...it was odd but I just kept looking at her.
I would have talked to her I thought, but my car was done and I had no reason to be there. Well when I got out side they told me sure enough that I would have to come back because the parking brake on my car was out. I just kind of shrugged it off and paid, then I left.
Here's the part where things get odd. I got about half way up the street and I just decided to go back and make something up, a reason to be there. I decided I would say I was calling my Dad for something about the car. I don't know what made me do it, but I just did.
Well I went back inside of the place and I sat talking to her and this other lady, she told me her name, that she was twenty seven, that she was a teacher and we talked about writing and just things like that. It felt weird to do this, it felt odd and just a little bit forced at first, but then I felt more comfortable.
The excuse I gave could only last for a short time, so I had to go. Before I did I asked for her number, well she just said that she didn't really know me and she didn't feel comfortable do it. Which I understand, I know its not safe for a girl to do that. The odd thing was, I didn't really care. I didn't even take it personally, maybe I have grown a little?
I'm trying to be more positive, but people make it harder, I kind of wish that I could just go back to writing about the normal things that I do, but my whole life changed pretty dramatically pretty fast about a week ago. I am going to have to adjust to things slowly over time it seems.
Also I was wondering, is it that hard to notice you're ignoring someone? I mean really, its really annoying when someone does it to you, so why wouldn't you just make the effort to talk to someone, especially when they are in need of friends right now. I don't have many friends in this town and even the ones I have in San Antonio, most of them are really busy and I never get to see or talk to them.
So if you re someone I talk to, and you want to ignore me, just do my a favor and don't even talk to me. It makes me feel pretty bad to have it happen and I already feel bad enough without it, even though I am trying my hardest not to.
I feel like its been so much longer than it really has since I wrote in this thing, but it hasn't even been a week.
I've come to realize some of the problems with the whole idea that people wear a mask, that's the saying I always here. Well think of the mask more like armor. Armor is there to protect us from things that could harm us, that's usually how it is thought of. But this armor is just to keep us from divulging too much of ourselves.
In the last few months my armor has been pretty much stripped away. Everything I used to use to just keep a smile up, keep moving no matter how hard things got, all of that is gone. With my brother in the hospital every phone call has me worried that something is wrong, that something has happened, and with the added fact that everyone in my family that does call is usually doing so to yell at me about this or that.
Somehow I don't get the luxury to worry about my brother, I am expected to continue doing everything normally. But then I get accused of not worrying. They threaten to kick me out, they call me a liar, treat me like I'm worthless and I am supposed to be able to function like this? Now they are threatening to stop paying for my school, even though I am doing good and going to class.
I don't get it, I don't get how I am supposed to be able to just carry on under this pressure. I'm not this strong, I never have been and anyone who knows me will probably say the same. I can't even go see most of my friends anymore, I can't do the few things that made me feel somewhat alright. Getting online is just a passtime, its the only way I have to not feel lonely. Only now its harder to find time to do that.
I feel like no one cares what I do until I mess up. Everyone is there quick to point that out. Well I can't help it really. I can't do much about my mistakes I make from time to time. Everyone seems content to go and point them out and ridicule me for them regardless. I want once for someone to tell me something I do is right or good, I want someone to just once ignore something I make a small mistake on. I want one of my family members to talk to me about something going on with me not having to do with school or grilling me on how I am not studying...
I'm just going to have to make it to Summer semester and hope I can bury myself in all of that, not being at the house is what I need. Because I can't find enough excuses to get out of here right now. I hate it here, I miss living alone without people barging in to tell me how much I am messing up. Its not helping.
Well I remember thinking last night that I had nothing to write about, now I wish that was still true. I woke up this morning because my nephew was pounding on my door. I didn't get to sleep as long as I'd like. He told me to come down I needed to t talk to mom. He meant my mom.
I was so sure she wanted me to go get some breakfast for the three kids that I hesitated, I wish I had hesitated longer.
When I came down my mom told me to sit and told me that my brother, John had been involved in a car accident, he's in critical condition and that he's in a coma.
What the fuck do I say to that, I mean what the fuck does anyone say?
I could have all the tact and wit in the world, doesn't mean something when no word you could say would mean anything at all. Right now I can't think straight, I can't even begin to think straight because nothing is making sense. I'm driving to San Antonio with my mom to see my brother. I don't know when exactly, sometime today.
All of this just happrened so things are happening really fast, I don't know when I'll be availble to talk on here again. I'm really scared, I'm scared and I'm just thinking how I wish it was still 2006. I wish I had those kind of problems still.
Sorry that I haven't been around to write much in this thing, there has been a lot going on with me as some of you know. This summer is going to turn out to be extra boring and long. I can tell you right now since I really can't leave town or go out much.
Right now I am just hanging out at home watching Boondock Saints, one of the best movies ever. You guys should all check it out. Well for now I am going to finish the movie and I will have a proper entry later.
It's been a hard last couple of days, I'm not even sure that I want to talk about it. I've tried really hard to be left alone for the most part, I do want to see people some of the time but people can be over bearing. They can be hard to deal with and too much going on around me isn't one of the things that I think is really good. When there's a lot going on I can't concentrate or function it seems.
For the most part the people I know have been disappointing and I know what some people are saying, I should find new friends. But its not that easy and right now I am occupied with trying to find a job and school. I really just want to stay out of the house as much as possible. My brother called me back the other day after I called him for help with something and he go started talking about how I don't talk with him and my sister—in—law unless I have to.
I don't know what to tell someone, I'm not really all that talkative with most people, even on the phone I keep my talking to a certain amount. And when it comes right down to it, most of the time when I talk to them they come off as kind of condescending, and its not that I don't talk. I just don't talk when they want me to. Sorry that I need a little alone time. Even with people online I used to talk to alot I have been feeling like I don't know what to say anymore. Or like I don't have anything to say. I don't know why things get so hard really. I didn't think they were supposed to be like this. And people telling me to stay optimistic shouldn't really say that anymore because when I do try that it really doesn't take long before something comes along and just smashes any chance of that working.
Its like this, in the end I expect pretty much everyone I trust to turn on me at one point or another, I can think of one or two people that haven't, but for the rest of them it seems to be a matter or time. This is why I just don't feel like bothering with completely new people most of the time.
It has been a while, and there's been a lot going on, to put it frankly, I'm pretty unsure about my future. I know I am pretty tired of life in Houston. I wish I could say that I could be some where else by next semester, and maybe I could.
But the thing that I really wanted to talk about isn't me, its a type of people and a state of mind. Has anyone else noticed that political correctness has become the fruit of the day? And the more and more we take this mindset on, the more it becomes apparent that morals mean less and less. When everything becomes alright and there's nothing that's wrong, like political correctness would have us do, morals go out the window.
These people who don't really have any strict moral code, because depending on the circumstances, they could be right regardless, are always the first ones to go back to the Bible (of all places) as a defense. The line they bring into it is always Judge not lets ye be judged. Yet anything else in the Bible means nothing to them, because there's no black and white anymore, just areas of gray. Unless it comes down to something they care about.
When doing anything the only thing considered wrong is when you judge someone else. Even judging a general action and calling it wrong will get you ostracized by some people. Yet at the same time, these same people will call others wrong for actions that don't fit in with their little group of sanctioned actions. Look at the environmentalists...they'll get on to others about littering and the like. Isn't that the same as judging someone?
There are a lot of things I find wrong that others might not, but many of these things might not be moral issues. But at the same time there are things that are morally wrong. Those guys that think its alright to sleep with another girl if they're a certain distance from someone that they still call their girlfriend, are WRONG, argue all you fucking want, there's no two ways about it.
That's the problem with America, well one of the problems. No one wants anything they feel morally obligated to anymore. No one wants to have to go through a God or set of beliefs to get morally fulfillment, but they want the benefits of doing so. Freedom of speech is important, but people should feel morally obligated to say and do the right thing.
Now we can't even call another country wrong for systematically trying to commit genocide against their own people. They would be considered as good as anyone else because, after all, that's their prerogative!
Hopefully the way of things will change soon, but until it becomes alright to cast judgment on people again, we can't hold to our own morals, because we won't have any.
