I am Jack's Overdue Anger

There is really so much going on that I don’t think I want to go into it all. I know I never mentioned this when I wrote the last entry. I guess back then it just seemed like it would be a one day thing, and at most I would be done with it by Saturday. Well things always catch us by surprise.

Shortly after dropping Cassie off at her house on Tuesday when I was coming home my car broke down and I was forced to wait outside for my brother to get there and then we were forced to wait for a wrecker, one of the gears under the hood came off and the thing controls power steering, coolant and the cars ability to recharge its battery as it drives.

The dealership, where we had to get it fixed promised it would be done Friday or Monday, I wanted to be out of this place Saturday, if it had been done Friday I wouldn’t have cared and would have been on my merry way.

Now its Monday night, and the same guy at the same dealership is saying tomorrow. I should have been on the road no later than tomorrow, I should have been on the road like nowish but I’m still here in Manvel, Texas without even a car to get me out of this hell hole. The only thing worse than having to be here is not being able to leave.

Right now I just really miss having my own space, I’m going to go back and work hard at finding a job because there are things I want, there are things I want to do and I know now that I can’t do them here with my parents. I can’t even live in this place more than a weekend or I get sick. Its like you get soaked in something and you just can’t get it off until you’re out of it.

I can’t even type on this thing effectively, I can’t run the air I can’t leave to visit friends, I can’t even be treated like and adult. And when I ask them why they treat me like this they say because I’m depressed and because I’m on medication. The other night my mom called me when I was out and told me I should be in bed by now, it wasn’t even 10:30 and I’m nineteen years old. Who says? Who says I should be in bed by now? I wasn’t in bed by that time most nights three years ago! Why should I do that now?

I’m tired of the questions, especially from people who I know that if I started going into any detail with that they would zone out or just talk over me. I don’t want you asking how I am if you’re not really interested because even if you are I’m probably not interested in telling you. And if I am then I will want to talk about it, I will come to you. There are those of you out there who know I talk to you about stuff, others may have just stumbled upon this and not know what’s going on.

Here’s the gist of it: I’m stuck at home, a place that I hate, my parents are being none to supportive about my depression right now, I’m kind of at a loss as what to do next and I’m just ready to have my car fixed and be back in San Antonio, besides, a five hour drive will do me some good, a little bit of alone time to think and the like.

Right now I have to go, I have things to do, I should be back in San Antonio tomorrow, until then goodnight.

I Am Jack's Pre Thanksgiving Blogging Make-up...

Since I wrote in this last, it has been far too long, almost half of a month has passed and a lot more has happened. I'm not sure if I should try and catch you up on all of it or if I should just go on as if things just start today and whatever came before is not there, is not what happened.

Right now I am over at my brother’s house, let me try and do a brief run through of what’s happened since I last wrote in here. Well I decided that I had a crush on a girl, a friend at the school, I thought out what to do about it, and I asked her out, she liked someone else, so that was a no go. Then there’s what’s been going on with me personally around here, I have been drawing a lot, been really sick too.

That’s all I’ve been really doing here, the day before yesterday I decided that I would go home early for the Holidays to avoid traffic, I asked a friend if she wanted to catch a ride and she told me sure, her name’s Cassie I don’t think I’ve mentioned her before. Well it was good to have someone to talk to in the car on the way back because that drive alone would have been boring as hell and I’m thinking about waiting around for her to be ready to go back just so I can take her back with me.

Besides my brother and his kids and wife I haven’t seen any of my family yet, you know I hate this holiday most of all, especially this year I don’t have much to be thankful for, I don’t really have my health, which is the one thing I could claim in past years, I’ve got nobody, I’ve got the massive writers block and some other stuff going on I would rather not mention.

All in all I can pull the old, I’m thankful for life which hey, is crap because anyone who is standing around the house that day can say that one. As far as I know there’s no zombies showing up this year. But I kind of wish there was because with 80 annoying family members around you need something to take the edge off.

Well what I can say I am thankful for, without a doubt, is the good friends I have left! Everyone have a happy thanksgiving.

I Am Jack's "Tragic History of Love"

Now there's some things I'd like to go over, first off, for those of you reading this on deviant art I have decided to edge my way back into writing and do something a little special for you all, I am going to work up a story, something in short parts, to post on deviant art.

Granted, this might have to be in html, it depends on how deviant art acts towards the thing. But here's some basic info, the first story will be titled A Tragic History of Love and it will star characters from the rest of my stories. I hope to see you all checking it out!

Now for the rest of what's going on, today was not so good day, but I really don't feel like going into it right now. I feel like I can't go long without more stuff piling itself on the fire. But there is good news, its cold! Aren't you all so happy? Not only is it cold but my room is clean and that's a real rarity.

I guess tomorrow I have to look forward to the cold weather and some free time somewhere to write! Well I better get going, I have to clear my bed off before I can sleep, I'll be writing in this thing again very soon.

I Am Jack's Change In Pace.

I apologize for the recent lack of updates to this blog, I really haven't had much to say, what do you say really when you don't understand half of what's going on yourself? But I really wouldn't like to go into the same old things again here, its getting kind of tired and I have other thingsq going on anyway.

For one I talked with Allison about she and I, and we're still friends and nothing more. She explained to me that she's not going to be dating anyone for a while and when I asked if I should wait for her she said that she just didn't want a relationship of any kind. I really have to commend her on actually telling me the truth, last time I went through all of this I went out on a date and found out after that the gir lhad no intention of considering me for anything other than what ever the hell we were.

In other going ons I went home this weekend and saw the movie Jarhead finally, I loved it, the whole thing was just perfect. I think it was Jake and Fox's best performances that I have ever seen. I really don't have a bunch of analytical stuff to say about this, but I do have to say that if you haven't seen it, I would go, its well worth the money!

Well I really need to get going, I have more drawing to do, if you want to check me out at deviant art, my screen name there is ctk86.

I Am Jack's Revelation

It would seem like things hurt more than we first thing sometimes, I don't know why that is, or what any of these means. But I just need a time out, I'm afraid now, and I'm not sure what I should be afraid of. Things must have a way of righting themselves, am I right? How long does it take to kick in?

I Am Jack's Hedgehog Delimna

I'm too scared that I'm going to mess up, I keep circulating the same thoughts in my head again and again and I keep coming back to the same conclusion, There is no way in Hell that things will work out in your favor. I look around and I just see how lucky some of the others are, I know that they wouldn't think it was anything special or that they had anything that great half of the time. But they do, they take it for granted.

Right now I should be sleep, sleep or drawing, instead I'm sitting here again, picking my brain. Nikki told me not to sit and dwell on it, but it calls me to, it begs me to dwell on it. And I come back to the same things, I mean why can't we just talk and explain to one another what's going on, what's the matter with it?

It's really something that I've talked about in a blog before, the whole hedgehog's delimna thing. Fear of getting too close to another for fear of getting hurt. That's how I understand it, that's what it is. Someone you are close to can do far more damage than someone not, and its not that I expect this from this person, but its also not like I haven't been unsuspecting of it before when it got thrown right in my face. What makes my hunches different this time, what makes this better?

Well I can say that I think hope makes this better, hope that I can depend on someone in this world, and hope that even if things are to continue as they are that they can continue to not be awkard at the same time. I really don't think there is much I can say. I do have to comment on some other things real quick.

Right now I am working on a few things, a comic about a little fight sequence, just something for fun. Then I am doing a picture of a friend as a Naruto character, actually I am doing a lot of my friends as Naruto people, I'll have to get back to you all at a later date about that, I am feeling sluggish and unable to write.

I Am Jack's Syndication

Well its been an interesting weekend to say the least. My roommate has been out of town since Thursday night and its been rather quiet around here. I have been thinking a lot about what to do next, I don't know where. I think I'm confused right now, or maybe I'm just not sure.

Even as I'm typing this I don't really think that its making much sense, I just know that I have to talk to a friend about what's been going on in my head, and what's been going on with more for the last year or so. Right now I really can't think.

I do need to say that I am for the first time posting this over in my journal on deviant art too, it's like I'm in Syndication.

I Am Jack's Lack Of A Story...

Today was pretty bland, but there's good news, tomorrow I get to go back to the hospital and get my check up. Thanks to everyone out there who has been so kind and nice to me, I don't really have much to say today. Right now I'm kind of thinking about something, my mind is really else where. But I think for the first time since the summer that I am going to write something. Thank you all for sticking by me, I have to try and recover now, I have to try and get back to where I was before.

In the meantime there is a drawing I did tonight for a friend, here it is.

Later everyone!

I Am Jack's Wonderful Day

All at once I feel so comfortable, there's no sound, no distractions and nothing from the outside world. I have so much to think about and not a lot of time to do it. Right now I think I'm happier than I've been since the day I hung out with Ashley over the summer. Right now all there is in the room is the hum of the fan and me at the computer. It's so cool and calming here, I think I might be able to get to bed early.

Today started bland, so bland that I never thought it would pick up. But then things got better, I ran out and got Allison a present, and tonight when we hung out I gave it to her. But I'm getting ahead of myself, like an over excited school girl here. My dad came to town today, we went to lunch at Luby's and then went to see the conseuler about the withdrawl slips. There was some good news, I might be able to stay here.

I can't express how much it means to be so close to the people I'm acoustumed to, like they say, its important to have a support net of people. And here I have some. Then I came back here and hung out with CJ and his new girlfriend Katherine, don't think I've mentioned her before. Well we hung out, went and picked the present up and then I came back here and had dinner with CJ at the school cafe. It was like normal, Brandon came in baring girls like he does. And we talked and hung out.

After that I came back home, showered, played on the net and got ready to go meet Allison. We went to the Quarry and had a little sit down at Starbucks, it was fun and then we went to Denny's, hung out and had a big plate of fries, because that's what she wanted. I enjoyed the fires and we barely ate them all, we're such babies, not able to handle some fries.

She started to get tired so we came back here and I hope that we can hang out tomorrow because today got cut short and she said something that meant the world to me, she said Today is the happiest I've been in a long time. And this was before the whole necklace thing, I don't know what to say to that. I guess I'll just have to say, thank you Allison.

I came back here to reflect...And Then I tried drawing a Vector image again, got mad and scribbled this:

I Am Jack's Dark Cloud.

Well I just got back from over at Neemo's things seemed to have returned to something like normal around here, for the most part. Although I have yet to see Allison, its hard for me to think about much else because she's someone that I really feel like seeing before I have to leave, even just for these two months. And I know that there are things that I want to come back and be part of, like when she goes to see Rent, I'm not big on musicals, but I think I might actually enjoy that.

Or I want to be here to give her a Chrsitmas gift, something really special. I feel like there's so much I want to say still to so many people, but right now there's just something odd floating around in my head, I talked to my roommate and he just felt that I wouldn't be coming back here or that something would change. It scares me because I want everyone else to stay the way they are now, I don't want them changing, and already I can see it happening. I keep telling myself, as long as she stays the same, everything is okay.

Who remembers me quoting the line about as long as nothing hurts you, I'll be fine. It brings me to tears thinking about something bad happening to certain friends, or even thinking about not being able to go visit Allison. We've gotten closer than we were last year, back then I thought the world of her, I never knew she considered me such a good friend. I never seem to know anything though.

Tonight I started a portrait, it will be the best I have ever done, it will be the sweetest thing I've ever drawn and it will have meaning. I will put all of me into this and it will work out the way I want. I rarely say these things, but I am saying them now. I don't think its me being confident as much as it's me putting my foot down and finally saying that I am going to take my time, I am not going to rush and I will do the job right.

Is that so much to ask for?

Earlier tonight I walked over to Neemo's with the intent to borrow some masking tape, when they told me they had none I asked them, What kind of art majors don't have freaking masking tape? I think I knew deep down no one there would have it, I think I just wanted to go see everyone, I just wanted to talk with them and sit, and pick on Neemo, its just that I don't want to act like this is tearing me up inside, I don't want everyone worrying or hurt over this. I feel like I might have made Allison feel sad already and I know that when I see her, I might cry, these pills—kind of make me emotional. But I don't want her thinking I'm some kind of sap.

I'm just going to really miss her and everyone else, it seems like, yeah I know, depression is going to get a lot harder with out her and the others around, a lot harder before it gets better.