The Constant

It’s hard to learn you’ve moved past a place or person and they’re no longer needed. Not because you’re vicious toward them or the place, but because they’re just not furthering you being you.

I used to love doing a lot of things, but I realize now that they are more trouble than their worth. I find going on most forums tedious, I don’t like to take long drives without destinations firmly plotted out and I just don’t like a lot o the things I used to.

Then I miss something I don’t think will ever come back. That might be the hardest part of all is that knowing something you love will never be the same or even happen again. I’m glad that the one constant in my life has been writing, that is always enjoyable.

Thank God We Live in the Real World

This is a real life conversation I just had with my best friend. I omitted the lines about some video on you tube because they bare no relevance to what we were talking about.

Justin says (12:49 AM)

it looks like I will have to draw balls and hand deliver them, if we lived in the Harry Potter world you'd be getting owls day and night, carrying pictures of dicks and balls

PJ says (12:49 AM)

ha. id send Voldemort a pic of my balls

Justin says (12:49 AM)

one of those moving wizard photos. swinging you balls back and forth

PJ says (12:50 AM)

or just me beating off. he would come after my ass that same night

Justin says (12:51 AM)

owl would be a good way to deliver drugs

PJ says (12:51 AM)

or request hookers

Justin says (12:51 AM)

how much cocaine do you think an owl could carry

PJ says (12:52 AM)

not much...the only reason birds can fly is because of how light they are lol

Justin says (12:53 AM)

this conversation is officially legendary

This remarkably juvenile—I know.

Fan Fiction: For Better or Worse

So it seems I have come full circle and ventured back into an avenue I never thought I would again. That’s right folks, I’ve started to do fan fiction. What makes this so weird is, well I was around back when Fan Fiction.net was new.

Fan Fiction.net is the site I cut my teeth on and with the help of Juliet Singleton I got my real start writing and working out plots and just trying to feel my way around characters. If it weren’t for fan fiction I don’t think I would have this site or be writing.

When I discovered fan fiction it was shortly before the site went online and I honestly thought it was a dream come true. I couldn’t imagine that people who were not published were out there writing stories about shows they liked for nothing more than fun. Fan Fiction does predate the internet and before the circles were actually forced to communicate through more rudimentary ways, like at conventions.

But I loved fan fiction, I neglected work and friends to read the stuff. I printed it out and lived over 8.5 by 11 sheets that I cast onto the floor as I read them. I read them at school and I felt as if they were deserving of more recognition.

Then the unthinkable happened. I was asked to review fan fiction at a site and the more I read over the stuff coming in, the more disgusted I became. Fan Fiction had gone from an honorable thing to something written to indulge in deplorable fantasies. Many of the tales I looked at were rife with rape and mutilation and sexual acts that would make even the most seasoned porn star cringe.

I, by this time had started using my own characters and writing stories in worlds of my own making. The trend of ridiculous sexuality didn’t die down and it was followed closely by the bad characterization that that took the characters I loved and changed them into unrecognizable people who only bore the name and most times the looks of the character they were meant to be.

I resigned from the world of Fan Fiction by the middle of high school. I tried to venture back once or twice over the years and within a few hundred words of starting I was always bored and completely uninterested in continuing.

Flash forward to now, the world of fan fiction isn’t really any better than it was back then. With stories like Little Miss Mary (a Snape/Harry Potter fic that involves cross-dressing and male impregnation to name a few things) and Agony in Pink (a mutilation rape story about the first Pink Ranger) its easy to see that the crazy stuff isn’t just out there…it’s the norm.

Still I am able to look past this and see there is something inherently fun in writing this stuff, and that’s what brought me back.

Definition

I’ve hit a snag, for so long I defined my life with a set of things that I thought would be a constant. You figure that this is the last thing you’ll ever want to do in this life. The last job you hold, the last person you’ll love, the last house you’ll live in.

It seems to be my nature to make long term plans for things, maybe its just me. But that’s the truth. And I hate change in all honesty. Even if its for the better, even if there’s a chance it could go right I think that something going right scares me, maybe more than something going wrong.

I’m used to things going wrong—I can handle that, its happened so much.

For six hours I sat and scanned pictures out of a box, pictures three and four times my age, pictures of other people’s memories and pasts. Looking back at my step mom, her sisters, her family—I realized that I’m just starting out here and its wrong of me to lay my cards out before they’re dealt. I’ve got maybe sixty good years in me…or with the way I eat perhaps just forty.

Then again, if I have to sit through Batman and Robin again, I could end my life midway through it and that would be a blessing.

Back to My Roots

I’ve done it.

I’ve lost my fucking mind, its official. I started a Fan Fiction.net account again—well I revived my old account from 2000 and I began posting this on it.

It’s a damn crossover, who would have guessed. That’s practically all I used to write. Things have come full circle, its like dog and cats living together—mass hysteria. I feel fourteen again.

Uneventful

Today was uneventful. Nothing to report I guess. I wanted to post a really bad ass picture a friend showed me. Its from Harry Potter.

Love it. It’s by this girl Makani, she doesn’t need my promotion but she’s got talent and she deserves more recognition.

Car Wreck

It feels like the things I fear always come true, so much so that I don’t want to name them here or even out loud for fear that it might bring them fully into being.

But this is comparable to a car wreck, I feel like I’m going to hit a brick wall. I can see it speeding toward me—there’s no way it could move itself (or so it would seem, at least in my situation). And yet I’m surely going to hit it. I’m going to crash and its all going to end.

Sometimes I wonder if there was really ever another way things could have turned out and feel stupid for trying. No matter how hard I work, I’ll just never be some things. It’s the sad fact of life that an overly politically correct.

Though I wonder: is it sad when I truly, whole-heartedly believe that much chances of becoming a published author with some clout are more likely than my finding happiness or love?

I’m not sure what’s worse, the fact that I feel like that or the fact that I care so much. Both seem to be causing equal amounts of pain. 

Guilty Party

I think I’ve figured out what this is I’ve been feeling…guilt. For the past few months something has been happening that I am not sure is my fault and that I’m not sure I have control over. At the same time, I feel like I am to blame and I feel like I should be upset or ashamed by it.

I really can’t say what it is or say for sure what’s going to come from it. Part of me wants to hold onto something, on the other hand if I let it go life might just get easier from here on out.

This is hard to figure out, sometimes you feel something that you want to kill inside of yourself, that you think if you could just get rid of things would be easier. But at the same time you want to hold onto it and you honestly can’t understand why.

Rice and Cheese

I’ve learned that sometimes the most simplistic things taste best. Rice and cheese is like that, it’s delicious.

Election Day 2010

It would seem blogs are slow coming from me at the moment. Adjustment period.

So I voted yesterday and much to my surprise it was a longer wait than normal. I spent the time in line reading and catching dirty sneers and looks from people in the line.

I don’t want to say it was due to race, I was the youngest person in the room and the only non-white person too. Not something that’s all that unusual in Texas, but its even more odd when people just hate you for it.

Everyone expects you to vote by race, and often its easier to tell how someone will vote than you will think. Doesn’t I actually think that’s a good thing. Thing is, I’m pretty moderate when it comes to politics and I could have been persuaded to vote for a Republican. But Rick Perry?

God no.

The man wanted us to lave the Union because Obama won. What is it? The 1860s again? What’s more disappointing is that people voted for a guy who stole money meant for Hurricane Ike relief to pay for the Governor's Mansion, tried to talk his way out of speeding tickets on camera, and refused state stimulus money on the grounds that we didn’t need it when we have unemployed here too.

It just shows that people don’t really pay attention to what’s going on.