Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Musings of a Cigarette Smoking Man

"Life... is like a box of chocolates. A cheap, thoughtless, perfunctory gift that nobody ever asks for. Unreturnable, because all you get back is another box of chocolates. You're stuck with this undefinable whipped-mint crap that you mindlessly wolf down when there's nothing else left to eat. Sure, once in a while, there's a peanut butter cup, or an English toffee. But they're gone too fast, the taste is fleeting. So you end up with nothing but broken bits, filled with hardened jelly and teeth-crunching nuts, and if you're desperate enough to eat those, all you've got left is a... is an empty box... filled with useless, brown paper wrappers." —The Cigarette Smoking Man (X-Files episode "Musings of a Cigarette Smoking Man")

Tuesday, November 28, 2006

Repost: Black Issue

Today on facebook was a repost of the "Black Issue".

Sunday, November 26, 2006

Climax

Things really seem to be going in an awkward direction. I'm sitting here on a nice Sunday afternoon trying to write and there couldn't be more going on in the back of my mind. One thing that I know I do, with everything that comes along, is that I plan too far ahead without making sure I take a good long look at where I started.



All of this would be easier to explain if I used my writing as an example; when I start to plan a story I write down what I want to happen. That's something that I am sure a lot of writers do. But the difference is that when you plan the action of the story, a lot of the time you already have the idea of the climax in your head...



The final rise and fall action of the characters is at the very forefront of my head, its basically all I can think about. I mean when does the most exciting stuff happen? At the end of the story right?



Well isn't that what we are all trying to get to, the exciting parts of life, the exciting parts of the day, the rest of the day is just filler. Well right there, yeah there is where I made my mistake. I spent so much time planning the outcome and the actions immediately around it that I didn't plan the starting point and develope it enough. It's the same way with me in life, I spend all of this time trying to wait and plan for the exicting parts that I miss all of the stuff leading up to them. This might sound like a simple "stop and smell the roses" comment, but its more than that. It's more like "Pay attention to the journey and worry about only the obstacles immediately in front of you, don't think too far ahead."

Saturday, November 25, 2006

Monday, November 20, 2006

Friends

Tomorrow I leave to go back to Houston, I don't know what to expect, but I'm kind of glad, I have gotten pretty bored with San Antonio and I am just in need of a change of scenery. Really, I think that the problem might be that I spend time listening to others trying to rationalize why I should be nice to people or be around people I really don't care for.



Things you might not know about me, but that shouldn't really surprise you are that I really don't desire the respect of many people—mostly because I find most people I seem to come across aren't worth having it from in the first place. If you don't see me trying to get your attention or hang out with you, or whatever, chances are I don't want to. Even greater are the chances that you're doing one of the things that I don't really like to be around.



I wouldn't say that you're unlucky not to be my friend really, because I want more from a friend than just a person who can be around me when we do fun stuff. Anyone who actually cares enough to stick by you though all of the stupid, nonsensical choices you make, someone who will be there for you even when you're wrong to help pick up the pieces...someone I can do the same for. That is the kind of friend I want. If that can't be you, then I don't want you. I mean seriously having a lot of fair weather friends can be worse than having no friends at all.

Saturday, November 18, 2006

The Hero Dies In This One

I hate the way you make me feel, I want to yell it to you, the way I feel but I can't, my words come out as silent actions and looks from across the room. I can't stand the tension, the things I am thinking about I can't take my mind off of.



I hated myself for how much I've done to make you distance yourself. I hate the secrets that have gotten revealed, the ones that we now know didn't help anything. I hate how the subject of "us" comes up in regular conversation...the way you look at me when I look at you, like I'm nothing, like I'm less than nothing. When all I ever wanted from you was for you to look at me and maybe see someone you would like to have something more with.



I hate pain. Pain that I feel all of the time now because I don't know what to do, because I'm so confused and scared all of the time that it hurts, it transfers over into the physical. I hate feeling like I want to kiss you sometimes, or like I want to hold you and tell you everything will be okay. I want to be there to brush away any tears you have, to talk you through the painful things and console you through all of your fears and dark times. I fucking hate that I'm too much of a coward to do this for you or for me.

Friday, November 17, 2006

RE: To The Ladies

Here's to nights staying up talking with old friends about the last few months, and about talking about the last few years. There is so much out there going on in people's lives that when you stop talking to them for a while, you almost forget that there is this build up of stuff that has been changing them over all of that time that you don't see them.



I wanted to write a few things, even though I am in no way a dating or relationship expert that I think most guys can agree with when it comes to what we do and don't like to have done to us.



Don't tell us that we're perfect, but that you can't date us. Perfect is a subjective term, that is to say when you say something is perfect, its usually and opinion based on what you would like to have. If you like us well enough to call us perfect, then you like us welle enough to date us. Otherwise we wouldn't be perfect in your eyes.



If you really are ugly, don't expect us to complement you when you complain about it. As a matter of a fact be glad we don't agree. Some guys will say that there is nothing worse than a girl fishing for compliments, well I never minded and I like telling a girl she's beautiful or pretty, if she really is.



Every guy wants sex (sexual attention of some kind) to some degree, the trick is to find one who isn't willing to let it destroy your relationship or feelings; and is willing to wait until you're ready. I haven't met a guy that absolutely doesn't want sex—that having been said, I am a guy and I can turn down sexual advances if I have to. Sometimes there's just moral obligations that have to be taken care of, if a girl tries to kiss me and she's drunk and out of it, she's going to get denied because I don't want things to go down like that.



Some things that you will do might be taken as signs or advances. If you wonder why guys keep coming after you that you have no interest in, then you might want to evaluate the way you are when you first meet new people.



Fantasy men are just that. There's nothing more drab than a long awaited fantasy that you finally get.



Despite what you might think we do notice the small things. I always hear this about girls noticing the small things, but you know there are guys out there that do notice the little things, like if you wrikle your nose a little when you laugh, or even a change in hairstyle or some other thing some might consider small.



Not all of us are visually enticed alone. Sometimes things like smells or the way something feels can make a guy remember it forever, and I'm not talking sexual. There's this girl that wore a perfume/spray/body thing...whatever, and when I am out and I smell it I have to get away because it reminds me of her so bad.



Lastly, With us, not everything is a symbol. This is not Indiana Jones or Da Vinci Code, not everything we do is a signal. If we get you a certain color flowers, its not because those flowers stand for this, usually we'll tell you if we want you to know that, not because we didn't think you knew, but because we just looked it up and want to look smart. But too many times do things go wrong because someone takes something as communication when it wasn't meant to be.



Well I hope that this helped in some way clear things up, like I said, I am in no way the average guy, but I know I'm not alone.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Nightmares

This is a quote about nightmares I just loved when I first heard it, I wanted to note it down somewhere.



"In my time, nightmares walked among us, walked and danced, skewering victims in plain sight, laying their fears and worst desires out for everyone to see. This—to make us laugh.
And now nightmares are trapped inside the heads of humans—pitiful echoes of themselves. I wonder whom they angered so to merit such a fate.
"

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

I Miss You...

I have this overwehelming need to go for a walk right now, to clear my head and get rid of some of the things that have been floating around in there, I want to do this because I need to get back to writing, I need to get back to what I am supposed to be doing, what I really love to do. Normally when I write in here I write about all kinds of things, some of them valid some of them really not. But I want to write about something really valid right now, I want to write about the people that have left.



Mandi, you first and foremost, you know you were the first friend I had here that I really trusted and the only one that never let me down. I felt like I lost someone really important to me the day that you moved, and I know I wrote about this before. You were always there for me, helped me through a lot and I only wish I could see you more often.



Persephanie, you're not really out of town, but it makes no difference, I never get to see you anymore. You're like the smartest person I know, and you're so sweet and caring, its like you love everything and everyone. I feel bad because after this year, you will be gone, and when I think about that I get scared because here is someone who I never get to see, and who I might not see for an even longer time. You're like one of the coolest people I met last year, and you're always reading my stories and being so sweet about them, even when I know I can do better with them, and you encourage me without sounding rude, even though you are the better writer, thanks for everything.



Dave, I barely got to know you it seems, but remember the night we almost died in the storm? And all of the talks we had? I feel like you're some kind of wise old sage, and all I can say is I wish I had gotten to know you better than I did. To be honest I had my misconceptions about you at first, but when I got to know you it was like this life changing experince and stuff. Glad to hear you'll be back on Friday.



Tabitha, you're such a great person to talk to and I wish I got to see you a lot more than I do. I mean its really odd that most of our talking was done after you left, but I still think that there is a lot to be learned from all of the things you tell me. You're a great person to talk to and a great friend.



Brandon B., we were roommates for a year and you always listened to what I had to say, even when it was rudely directed at you. You might have had the wrong idea from time to time, but you were one of the nicest guys I've known. You were pretty no bullshit about what went on with you and you really didn't want to take shit from anyone. You're missed around here man.



I know that I couldn't say this to any one of these people enough, but thanks, you're some of the best people I have met in my life, even though you guys were only in it in person for a short time.



I hate the CAP program...

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Apology is Policy


It seems the more and more I learn about the world around me, the title to this entry seems true. I'm starting to think that apologies should be doen away with completely because they aren't anything, they're really just hollow formality when you think about it, like saying bless you when someone sneezes.



But the important thing to remember is that when you say sorry to someone, for whatever it is you're apologizing you need to show them more than just tell them. You need to actually make sure that they see you are sorry and that they mean something to you. When I apologize I try to do this, but it seems that I rarely see the same curtosey extended by others.



In truth, apology shouldn't just be policy, it should be a promise to do better.

Friday, November 10, 2006

Hurt

When there's something stuck in your head that you can't get out, what would you suggest be done? It's hard to carry so much on you're own and to feel like there's really know where you can turn with it all. It's more than just what those around me are thinking that I am holding to. It falls somewhere along the lines of, there are these people, people that are really special to me that I want to protect. People that I know are hurting because things have happened to them and those things show.



I really just want them to stop hurting because I know what happens to a person after so much of that.

Thursday, November 09, 2006

How Many People Want To Kick Some Ass?

Sometimes I hear stuff from other people, men and women, along the lines of "All men want sex, and they don't care about being committed, that's some kind of woman idea." It pisses me off because generalizations like that couldn't be further from the truth, which is what happens when you make almost any blanket statement. I don't care how many guys you've been with or how many guys you know, but we're not all evil walking penises with one thing on our mind (I don't know how to make penis plural...I've never had to before).



I'm a male and I have said it before, and I will say it again "I believe you should treat any woman like you would want your daughter treated", shit same goes for boys and your son. Now if you son/daughter is being a dick, then by all means tear into them. But there are too many good girls out there who give up and settle because they believe the above statement about men.



Prentiss Walker and I, you know him as PJ, had this thing a while ago, where we had the idea to sell all our shit (all our non-videogame/computer shit) and go on tour across the country beating the Hell out of guys who treat girls badly. We called it PJ and Justin: Beat Across America Tour, besides the obvious juvinile masturbation reference, I think this was a good idea. Any guys who want to join us, just bring a bat and some stuff to sell for gas money. We'll do this like Jay and Silent Bob style with "How Many People Want to Kick Some Ass" by Stroke 9 playing the whole time.



Guys, people in general need to learn The world is not perfect, but we should live as if the world is how it should be, to show it how it can be...oh and hitting anything with a bat makes it better.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Female rape victims are themselves to blame.

The words of a muslim leader, blaming the victims for something that they really have no control over in this. What's worse about this is this is not the first time I have heard this said about rape victims and don't think for a second that This is just those muslims. A few years back I was watching television and I remember this Christian Pastor came on, I had seen him around before, but never watched him. He got on the air and talked about how women were to blame for the lack of sexual morals and increase of rape in this country.



He spoke on how by wearing revealing clothes women caused men to sin themselves. Now seriously, how do you get off claiming things like that? I am around women all day. I only see them like every other time I open my eyes outside of this apartment. I think not only are people completely able to control themselves sexually, I don't think that ever seeing a girl dressed a little revelaing made me think that she wanted to be raped.



Some of the words this muslim leader, Sheik Hilali, out Australia said were very much more offensive: "If you take out uncovered meat and place it outside on the street, or in the garden or in the park, or in the backyard without a cover, and the cats come and eat it ... whose fault is it, the cats or the uncovered meat?" First off, I've got news for everyone out there, women aren't meat, they aren't just something that you go to the market and pick up, they are much more important than meat because they are humans and are equal to men. Second off, I don't eat any found meat and I'm not a damn cat.



If comparing women to "uncovered meat" doesn't make you angry enough he later goes on to call women "weapons" used by Satan to control men.



I think that we as men need to actually take charge and speak out for the truth about rape, about how it is wrong in any form from the brutal rapes to date rape. Also I think that this portrayal makes us look bad, it actually makes us look worse than the women because we seem like animals or like we are easily mislead and have no thought process of our own.



Then there is the fact that rapists target women based on a personal preference a lot of the time. Some rapist might want to go after shy girls who are very innocent and wouldn't ever be caught in a short skirt. It's the same as anyone having a preference criminal or otherwise. Some theives will be less likely to go for certain things, because of some preference and so on. You can't blame a specific group, based on just how they dress for a problem that really lies with the individual.



A while back I joined a group on facebook about how I think rapists should be casturated and also one about how I think the death penalty should be sought for them. I pretty much strongly think if you rape or murder anyone, they should put the needle to you. Because that's a crime that can sometimes be worse than murder because right there, that person's suffering ends. I have several friends that have been raped or sexually abused, and let me tell you it never goes away for them. It is constantly in the back of their minds and with good reason. I couldn't even imagine what kind of emotional pain that is to go through. With this note I am tagging everyone I know, mostly because this pissed me off and I think people need to see it.



If you're a woman then you need to speak out, make sure religious leaders and others know that its not your fault if you're sexually abused, its the fault of the perpatrators and no one else. If you're a guy then stop treating women as objects. Basically you need to treat anywoman the way you'd want your daughter treated. And porn, yeah, that objectifies women, esepcially the creepy brutal kind. There are a lot of rapists out there that have mental issues no one can fix, but as a society we can always start by making sure that children and others know all people are people and not property.

Eons

This is going to be short, I pormise. But for all of those out there who have given into the fad that is myspace, myself included, there is a new myspace type website for people over the age of 50. It's called eons.com and I saw a commercial for it on the television. I almost laughed when I heard about it because I kept thinking about all of these old people with emo pictures. Maybe for the first time someone's page could say they were 99 years old and mean it.



Really the possibilities are endless. But really I think it is good to give older people some place to go. Oh well, that's all I have to say about it. Oh and pick up the Pisano tomorrow, I have two pictures in there, one a comic, this one actually serious, written by Tarin and drawn by me. And Tarin has an article on rape that everyone should read.

Monday, November 06, 2006

Stories

I have been writing much more productively lately, which I have to say is a very good thing. I always worry about losing my ability to write because it seems that every time I get a little dry spell in it, it takes longer and longer for me to come back and start up again. Really I think that this time around I can make the story much more interesting just because it seems like the more you learn about life and everything the more you are able to incorperate and make it seem real while making things interesting and fun.



I still need to go back and rework on of the other stories I wrote, the vampire one, its going to need a lot of work and I have to remove some characters, remake some, and change some of the back stories of others. Then I am going to have to add in some more flashbacks because the circumstances of things have changed alot. To anyone who wants to read anything I have written just ask!

Friday, November 03, 2006

Trust

I'm playing Final Fantasy XII right now, and shit, all I have to say is I haven't had so much fun with a game in a long time, I would have to guess that it comes close to when I used to play VII. But the game is pretty heavy with all kinds of real life political things, one of these is betrayal. Really I think that betrayal has become a word that comes up a lot politics. Even more so it appears in many ancient texts and lituerature; Dante says that the lowest layer of Hell is reserved for betrayers and deserters.



Now anyone who has been betrayed can vocalize that what they really feel when it comes down to it is a lack of trust, how can you trust someone who would do something wrong to you in the first place. Trust is earned, even if its easy to earn. People might test trust sometimes, you're talking to a girl at a bar and she asks you to hold her coat...that's a stretch, you're talking to a girl at a bar and she just asks what you want to suggest to drink or eat. Or someone asks your opinion on a book or movie, both parties involved are working on a basis of trust now. Trust is kind of like credit, when you get it with one person you pretty much just earn it with them, sometimes their friends will trust you too. But when you lose trust, everyone can lose trust in you, just like when your credit score gets messed up.



I am not a master of the analogy so I am glad that you bared with me through that. What I am saying is that there are some people I really trust out there, I trust to tell anything to them. I'm pretty easy to earn trust from, which might be my big mistake. I know that a lot of the problems that I have are of my own doing. So when someone ruins their trust with you, what happens to them. Basically you treat them like you normally would be keep them at arms lenght. Don't let them get on the inside of anything, just because of the simple fact you're not able to trust them close.



Oh, and I'm level 26, thank God for power leveling.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

You Know How I Know You're Gay?

Your name is Greg Rivas...



Okay, yeah he still deserved that. The other day Greg and I watched 40 year old virgin, okay movie with a good message, but the best damn part of the flick wasn't even shown in its entirity, the part where the two guys are playing Mortal Kombat calling each other gay. I think that was one of the most infamous moments in recent years in film. I loved it. The thing about it is, it reminded me of PJ, John and I in the old days. We used to make jokes about each other's moms and even incorperate them into the game we were playing.



Once John made this trick in Tony Hawk Pro Skater 3 called "Ridin' PJ's Mom", another one that comes to mind is "The jump bigger than John's Penis", it was really small...the jump I didn't see the other thing. But its sometimes fun to just rag on friends, and go back and forth. Right now I have this ongoing thing about Greg and Brandon being women, I love to do it to. I am constantly calling one or both of them women, and for the stupidest stuff, a few weeks back I was at this halloween party and one of the girls there had this tiny can of beer. I had a taste of one and I texted Brandon, "Hey, I'm drinking one of your beers you fucking woman." I later told him what I meant.



The sad part is none of us have any animosity towards gays or women, I'd just as soon call Greg a baby...which really don't even have the effect of calling someone something they can't be and never have been, like calling a guy a woman. Actually I think Greg would make a pretty bad girl, what with the beard and all. He does seem strangely fascinated with cats though...