I know that no one has really noticed it, but I haven't touched these things in a long time. I guess because I get tried of typing the same things every single time that I start to write in here. More likely than not I have written something, and I just don't post it because it all looks the same. Well lucky me, because today looks just like the last few months have. The cycle of self loathing and pretty much infinite sadness seems to be pretty much all I can muster these days.
It could be that this city doesn't feel like home to me anymore. Or it could be that I have been like this for a long time and my bad choices in friends, bad choices in people to trust and a lot of other bad choices are starting to catch up to me. It's only when I have time to sit and think, when I really have time to examine things that I realize how much I don't want to be most of the things that I am. And even more so, that I realize that I seem to have very little ability to change that.
Life gets hard, and sometimes I wish I could erase the last six years or so and just do them over again. I wish I could do things in high school different and start college different. I wish I knew back then what I know now. Mostly that you can't trust anyone, you can't because a lot of where I went wrong was trusting, was assuming people were friends. The people I know online have been more forthcoming with me than the people I meet in real life, that's just sad.
People telling me that I should go see a counselor should know I did that before, and I hated it. The lady couldn't be trusted because a lot of the things she said were uncaring. I don't want to be that uncaring. That might be the problem with the world, that no one cares and that a lot of psychological crap tells them that's alright because its how you're supposed to be.
It's a hard choice to make between being who you are, changing who you are, and lying about who you are to be who you want to be. Perhaps the last one is the easiest, but its also least rewarding. I think I have tried all three, and even lying is hard...but the thing is that none of them seemed to get results. Nothing has changed for me. And if this is how things will be, I honestly don't see a point in trying anymore. I'm just about ready to quit.
