Faint

Well I’m home again, that is to say in San Antonio Texas, I’ve been back since Sunday night. Not much has happened since then except for the fact that I know now that I am probably the most useless person on Earth, I feel like something that I can’t describe because my friends would want to take me to some kind of psychiatrist and I am too stubborn to want to go.

To tell the truth I think that I should get some kind of help, I have severe confidence issues. Usually what I make fun of someone for I could probably claim about myself, and if not, well then that just sucks for them. I like to make fun of myself, everything about myself, if you can’t laugh at yourself who can you laugh at. To tell the truth me that I let rise to the surface is a very controlled case of the chaotic mess that lies beneath the surface.

The thoughts I have in my head and what I let see the light of day are sometimes so conflicting that I feel I should just let them both out, right not I’m faced with one of those dilemmas that not only feeds off the energy of the current problem, but is also feeding off months of repressed thoughts and actions.

When I first got here my thoughts on what this place would be like were skewed to say the best. I expected to be able to force myself to become the man I want to be, someone who fears things but doesn’t have to let them come out and rule what he does.

I wanted to find someone, a girl that I could talk to, have nice fresh conversation with and never get bored of. I wanted a stable relationship, something I would work at to make as good as I could, to sustain as best I could. I thrive off stability—I think the fact that most of my thoughts are formed in such a chaotic way is part of what makes me who I am.

That chaos, like any force in nature, seeks a way to stabilize itself and it finds that certain things can come to the surface and be accepted with open arms. Most of those certain things are the truths I see around me. At the same time, what I let out, the truth of the things I see around me may come off as rude a lot of the time because the truth can hurt. But no one takes the painful truth seriously because they think of it is a joke.

Most of what I said, has nothing to do with what I really want to get to. I can think of so many things that I have done wrong trying to get a girl to like me, I can think of things that most girls would tell you never to do. I think the trials I’ve had to go through are part of what make me so sympathetic to women. That may not make sense when you first hear, but part of it is that I have so many women that I consider close friends.

I think so highly of most women when I first meet them that I seriously group them in a category above me and other men. Its only when they prove that, through actions, they aren’t worth the time I can say that they aren’t the people I once thought they were. Now I don’t have the space to name names, because that’s not what this is about. But what I have to say is that with most girls I have liked I slowly find things I do not like about them.

I start to realize that they have attributes I just would never have been able to get used to, never been able to like about them. This last time that has yet to happen. In fact I have come to like more and more when I find it out. It hurts to say I’ve come to the point that I don’t know what to do, whether of not I can manage to be around this girl without feeling like a failure for not having won her over.

I want to talk to her, I want to tell her all this, hell I’d let her read this if she wanted to read my mindless babble. It frightens me that my failure may destroy what I consider one of the best friendships I have been a part of since being here. But unlike a friendship I think about her in the strangest settings, its not like it happens constantly but I’ll just wonder what she’s doing, where she is, that kind of thing.

Holding all of this inside of me while having this friendship has, for lack of a better word, fucked me up. My mind is unclear and almost worthless at times, my wits aren’t as shop, I have started to stutter constantly, my game playing skills resemble that of lame ape and my writing and drawing skills have suffered to say the least. This one failure has disrupted the whole chain of things that make me who I am.

Not to say that I haven’t failed before, because I have numerous times. But I’ve never really reacted to it this adversely this soon. That is to say I’ve fallen for friends before, but it was usually someone that I had an instant attraction to, not someone I expected to just be friends with and then slowly noticed that I could see it being more.

I guess I can’t do much more than type this out and hope that I can talk to the girl someday, tell her that I really do just want us to be good friends because its important that I be around for her because I don’t believe in abandoning a good friend.

The First Time In A Long Time

Here I am again from the home computer typing up one of these things, I wish I was back at my dorm, with my keyboard and my computer. I built that thing and it feels like such a part of me now…

Other keyboards feel like some form of adultery when I type on them and I know that must sound weird but even now my fingers are feeling this keyboard out, trying to get the hang of what it is.

Yesterday was interesting to say the least, I rolled out of bed at about one o’ clock and I knew that I had to get out of this house as soon as I could. PJ wanted me to bring back his notebook he had left with me when he had come to San Antonio, so I went and got in the shower, got dressed and grabbed the notebook on my way out.

I headed to PJ’s as fast as I could expecting to only be there for a little bit of time, I had a comic I was working on the night before I wanted to finish. It was the remake of one of my classics, a comic by the name of Almost Never. If you’ve ever read Almost Never then you know that it is a work of genius that may never be achieved by the likes of my mind again. I’m redoing it because of the shabby artwork.

When I got to PJ’s we started to talk, and I was having so much fun that we kept talking and it seemed like before I realized the amount of time that had passed his mom was knocking on the door. I hadn’t seen his mom since like August so I decided to talk to her a while. Then Tiffany called me and asked when I was coming over. So I decided I should head over there because it had been too long since I had seen her.

I had to meet Tiffany at Casa Ole where she worked and that was fine with me, I got to meet a lot of the people that she worked with, one of the girls, the one that kept coming over and sitting and talking to Tiffany, was very pretty and seemed really sweet.

Tiffany ate while I sat there and she asked me about things and I told her about them and she told me about things that I asked her. It was fun to see her again but it just didn’t seem real because it hadn’t happened in so long, then there the thing with her and PJ. I told her that I honestly believe that she and PJ will be able to be friends again, I don’t know if she believes it, but Alexis says the same.

Who knows, maybe someday it’ll be like a Seinfeld type thing or something where we all still get along and can hang out. But that’s besides the point, I went back to Tiffany’s house with her and I talked to her lovely sister Jaime some, Tiffany talked for little intervals but she was getting tired. Jamie and I somehow ended up having a very tame political discussion, when Tiffany’s dad heard he had to come join in.

He’s really fun to talk to and when everyone has the same views political discussions are fun. But he had to do some work and Tiffany was starting to sleep so I decided to head home. It was only about nine. On the way home I stopped off at Justin Martin’s. He wasn’t back from work but I talked to his mom and dad for a while and then went to meet him when he got off work.

We hung out at IHOP and talked for about an hour, but there were no real highlights to that bit. He told me that he and his girlfriend were broken up which is really sad because she’s a sweet girl. But I guess that’s how things go.

Everything here has changed and despite what I’d like to think I know that going away has allowed me to stay mostly the same. Sure I don’t constantly play video games or write as much as I’d like to, but I’m still the same me. It seems like everyone else has changed. Sometimes it seems like change would be a good thing, like it would get me that girl of my dreams, but I know better than that because its not how things work out in the real world.

In the movies people make this miraculous change, in the real world it just back fires. Understand when I say real world I mean the real world we live in, not that trashy show on MTV. People confuse real life with something that never happens in real life. And people find that exciting when to me real life can be just as exciting as most movies.

Well I better get back to my real life, on a side not, its hurting to be away from school, I miss a lot of the people I hang out with. Namely one I seem to miss when she just goes back to her place. It seems Christmas break will be really hard.

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving usually turns out to be one of the most disappointing holidays of the year, but this year it was at least interesting. I didn’t have to do too much work because I got here after most of the work was done, it wasn’t really intentional but I’m glad it happened.

I was able to get some thinking, comic drawing and other things like that done today. Most of which I will have to wait until I get back to use. I think I’m going to discuss some more of the story with Ricky Monday to see what he thinks; he seemed pretty interested in the whole thing.

I’m hoping to get feedback from him and Desiree this coming week because I gave them both stories to read, I gave her the story that deals with things that are a little more normal. The story I gave to Ricky deals with vampires and things like that, that’s what the first few stories were about so its easy to come up with one of those.

Well while I’m here in town and stuff I’d like to see Tiffany, Alexis, and maybe a few other people. I guess it would be easier if my dad was going to be here with his car after tomorrow, but I’ll have to make due somehow.

If all of this doesn’t make sense to those of you reading this mess on Blogger its because I wrote it before hand and had to transfer it over—so sorry about that. If I get a chance to see Alexis I’m going to show her how to make a xanga account because she showed some interest in it the other day. It’ll be nice to see her since I haven’t since I left here.

I really want to see Kinsey because out of all my really close friends I haven’t seen her in the longest. Its been since May! I really miss Kinsey, she’s like a little sister to me and I’d really just like to talk to her and stuff. Well I better get off of this thing, its really hard to type on this shitty e-machine keyboard. Catch you on the Flipside.

Change

Classes were canceled because of the rain today and it may seem like that is a blessing, but because of that very fact I was not able to see Desiree—she was busy all day and I really look forward to seeing her on Monday and Wednesday. I guess I’ll survive.

But that’s not the really important thing that’s going on right now, even more impressive than that is the fact that I have decided that I will no longer do the crossover story that I had once planned, instead I will do a straight up story about my characters. Crossovers are just too hard to manage for one thing, and I realize that its not really necessary to make the story good.

Another thing is I want the story to have several characters working together in it, and I think that to make this work I need to relieve some of the stress on the environment of the characters. By not crossing this story with Angel I am able to do this much more easily.

There are still a few details that I need to get down and work out, but they are all minor things that a little bit of creativity will go a long way towards solving. I think that overall this improves the quality of the story and makes it more fun to write.

I got a chance to watch a movie that Ricky helped his friend work on tonight and I have to say that I am impressed, I’m going to have Ricky look over my story to see if there’s anything that I can change. He’s got so many original ideas that I’d just like to get some input and feedback. It’s nice to have that.

Lessons My Games Taught Me

Alright, for all of you people out there who think that video games never taught us anything then you're about to be in shock from what I'm telling you, video games have taught us to be safe. I mean just look at Grand Theft Auto for good examples. I can come up with ten simple rules that the game has taught us.

1. If you car is flipped over, do not go near it, within about fifteen seconds it will explode. For a tank this will take longer.

2. People dressed alike standing around in groups are always in a gang, avoid them at all costs.

3. If any part of you above the waist touches water you will drown.

4. Buildings cannot be burned down, fires are just a myth--the fire department is a front.

5. Getting hit by car will not hurt you, as long as the car doesn't stay parked on top of you.

6. People in Green shirts steal cars, avoid them.

7. If you feel that you are being followed take a look around, weapons can be found in some of the oddest places and they will usually float and rotate, these weapons are always loaded.

8. When someone catches fire, avoid them, they can cause you to catch fire just by coming too near you.

9. Do not drive your stolen mafia car down mafia controlled streets. It's just not smart.

10. When you feel that there is a wreck coming on, jump out of your car, this will cause damage to be minimal.

Now, just in case you are wondering, I did write these, but its just off the top of my head. So yeah, lol.

A Growing Problem

Yeah its been really strange the last few days. I've been back to Houston to get John and PJ and then come back here with them to hang out some. We hung out with Chanele and Casey last night and some of their others friends, had a lot of fun. We didn’t get to bed until like 4:30 or 5:00 AM, I really can’t remember.

I’ve been having a good time, and things are exciting and all but the truth is that I feel pretty bad about something still and I’ve been trying my best to ignore it. I know I shouldn’t feel like I do anymore and I defiantly shouldn’t give thought to any of those feelings. I’ve known for a while and still know that I like Desi. It hurts inside because she’s like one of my good friends here, and it really frustrates me that I think of her that way. She has to still know it, the protectiveness is there, the worry when she does anything even remotely dangerous. Even how I drive when she’s in the car.

I hung out with her today, she, John, PJ and I went to see National Treasure and then went to the mall and had dinner. It was a really fun day, but in the back of my mind I kept going back to the same thought. Nothing seems to be able to change that. And I feel like shit for thinking about her that way, we’re supposed to be friends and if that’s all we were ever meant to be then why can’t I shake this.

A Good Day in Disguise

Today was one of those good days in disguise, it started out totally normal and turned out to be really good. I pretty much hung out with my friends today, one of my classes was canceled and I planned a trip to the movies this Saturday.

We're going to see National Treasure, which I'm thinking is going to be really good. I just found out the other day that it is in fact a Disney movie, which seems kind of odd. I guess after the success they had with Pirates of the Caribbean, they would venture deeper into the world of live action. I mean their last few traditional animated movies haven't been all that good.

Well I better get to what happened today, I woke up around ten I think and rolled out of the bed to check on some class scheduling things. While I was doing that I remembered that I had an online quiz due at one. By the time I realized that it was already exactly 12:44 PM...

So I had to hurry and I barely got done, I think I had one minute left. When I was done I went ahead and got ready for my class. I got some new shirts the other night and I decided that I could wear one of them. Problem is their all long sleeve and the weather outside had done a complete 180° turn from being cold and pleasant to hot and humid.

Before leaving for class I called Desiree’s phone to tell her that if she wanted to have dinner at the University Center she could meet me there around five. Stupid me, I forgot that the place closed at five thirty. Its sad how I forget the most simplistic of things. Well I got to my first class well before time, I walked alone with my CD player blaring and a slight smile on my face, things just felt like they were going to be fine at that point.

Class went as well as could be expected, the first fifteen minutes of the class were devoted to a survey about how we felt about our teachers, well I mean professors. Teacher seems like a word that kind of down plays their role. But anyway I think its nice that our input and opinion actually matters here.

After the survey it came down to the usual note taking and lecture. But our professor had some interesting things to show us, there were these movies from the 1950s about how to conform and it was really sad how one of them encouraged children in high school to copy whatever they saw the other students doing.

That’s really a bad thing to say to kids, I’ve never been much of a conformist, some people may think hearing that from a Catholic is odd, but I really believe that even when it comes to matters of religion I’m pretty much free minded and all. And especially when it comes to things like music and movies.

I think a lot of the music on the radio now is garbage, I mean there are some good songs—its hard to say that all of something is bad. But I mean for the most part there are some really bad songs on the radio. If you really can’t see where I’m coming from its probably because most people who read this listen to the radio. I stopped listening to the radio two and a half years back and every since my whole sense of music has changed. I no longer care about the top ten songs, because when the top ten is selected even the people not consulted in the selection are forced to hear that song further until they like it.

That’s why people start to hate music so much, because they hear it like its forced on them, and then they kind of just get tired of it. That’s what’s happening to punk music now, or what they call punk—or whatever you want to call that.

I’m not saying I go around buying those five dollar unheard of CDs by artist that have strange names that start in gerunds. I mean I listen to things that might be on the radio, like Blink-182, Dashboard Confessional and others. But I like stuff that others may have never heard of—one of the most recent is Death Cab For A Cutie. I love their songs—its so mellow and comforting.

Back to what happened today. My second class was canceled for lack of a better word, my professor was out of town so I headed back to the dorm a little early. When I stepped out into the sunlight and warm humid air I had no idea what I was going to do until dinner. But as I passed the University Center I ran into Desiree. She looked stunningly beautiful in the bright sunlight, I can’t even explain why.

We talked, she told me that she wanted to go to dinner at five thirty, I was pretty excited, I like spending time with her even if she doesn’t see me as I wish she did. We walked back to the dorms together and talked some, just as we got past the tennis courts it started to sprinkle, which was a bit of a surprise but to keep her from getting wet I went into my bag and pulled out and handed it to her. She told me that we should get under it together, but I insisted that she use it.

The umbrella was very small and we would both get wet if we shared it. I told her that I could walk in the rain I didn’t mind. It was better than letting her get her hair into a mess.

Finally she convinced me to get under the umbrella with her, we had to get close together to try and stay dry but it was no help, my right arm got wet, her left did. But we laughed and talked about it and by the time we got home the rain had stopped.

Dinner was fun, Roger joined us at dinner which was cool with me. He’s pretty funny and he’s really close to getting added to the list of guys around here I found cool. He actually asked if we minded him being there, I of course said no, because he’s cool.

Dinner went by quick, at the end of it Brandon was just coming in and we got up and left, we didn’t mean to time it like that and I really didn’t think about it until after we were outside. I walked back with Desiree and Roger, came back and sat with the normal crowd at dinner and after that I went back to Desiree’s place to have some of that sparkling grape juice that taste like wine mixed with champagne. It was tasty and after that I headed back to Evan’s to watch a movie with Ricky, Evan, Eddie and Brandon. It was still raining so I got soaked on the way to Desiree’s and had to change and I got soaked again on the way to Evans, but kept my clothes. After that I ended up here.

Damn, this is too long—I should break it into two smaller posts!

Damage Control Specialist

It would appear that my vast knowledge of girls has saved my ass once again, things with Desiree are back to normal. Our little arguments over such trivial things as "who will take the umbrella" have started again and somewhere down inside she knows how I feel. So I got as good as I could have hoped for. I know a girl this great couldn't want anything to do with me.

In other...well I guess its not news...but in other things Allison informed me today that she will be moving to Florida next semester so that she can start her job at Disney> I'm sad to see her go, I was starting to think of her like a big sister, she is older than me. And now she won't be here for a whole half of the year.

Allison is one of those friends that comes along every so often that you really get close to without even having to spend all that much time together. She always makes you feel welcome and stuff, I think thats why I liked her for a while. And in the same way, Desiree is like that. For some reason guys just can't be good friends like that, don't ask me to explain why, but anyone that thinks like a guy just sees incapable of being a good friend to me. There have been some to prove me wrong, but still I have that nagging feeling down inside.

Tonight I have my last test in the row of tests that is the second to last stance against what I like to call "the Man", what I mean by "the Man" is the grading system. Its a constant war for something that counts as passing and I think I might make it. At least make it...Well I have to get moving, I have to find this umbrealla so I can finish getting ready.

Home Again

Well I guess people might have noticed that I was gone for the weekend, I had some stuff to think out and to get off my mind after what happened Thursday night, nothing I'm going to go into great detail about, lets just say I was stupid and I made a huge mistake, lets also just say that I'm lucky to have a gracious understanding and kind friend like Desiree.

Hmm this weekend was interesting, Friday I slept most of the day and it got unnaturally cold, like God is trying to punish us for something that we don't know we did yet. I spent most of the day inside and the night with Eddie and Evan . It was fun and I got invited to a comic book convention.

The next day I went to this comic book convention, it was in the run down civic center on the other side of town and it smelt of old paper and records. I had a lot of fun there, they had some cool things, I got two posters, two action figures and some X-files comics and a Mario comic (from long ago). It was my first convention and as Evan said, "I lost my comic book convention virginity".

After I got back from that my dad showed up and we went back to Houston and I went to Matt's birthday party, PJ, Bam-Bam, Aubrey, Matt, Jessica, Kevin and Katy showed up to name a few and we all went to Joe's Crab Shack. I had some shirmp and since it was Matt's birthday they made him dance around with napkins in his pants like he was a ballerina. That was cool, that's why I'm not going there for my brithday, because I'm not agreeable with things like that.

That night I drove Katy home and we sat at her place and talked for a while, I wanted to wait for her sister to show up, but she was out so I had to go a head and head out. I slept really good that night (in my old bed and all.)

Earlier today I finally got my hair cut and just headed back up here, on the way here I tried to see if Kinsey was home. She wasn't and I really wanted to see her. I miss Kinsey, she was like a little sister to me. She was a really good person on the inside and people really treated her badly just because she didn't conform to their ideals and stuff. The way I saw it she had her own mind and that made her special.

Well my fingers are sore from driving, so I better get off this damn thing.

Video Game Healing

My mind having recovered from the video game binge that was last night, I can finally do a proper entry. That thing before was a half-assed attempt to put something in here and I really shouldn’t write in this thing unless I have something to say. Right now I have a little something to say…

So far today has been one of those days when you can just think things kind of worked out for the best, there’s not much else I can do about the date now, I’ve made preparations and all I can do is make sure that they stay enact until tomorrow, I did tell her to meet me an hour later than I first said, with good reason.

We both need time to get ready and I hope that she dresses up because I saw her the other day all dressed up and it was like looking at an angel.

Okay, well that’s all I’m going to say about that, now I’d like to talk about something I call the Fellowship of the Auto—what that basically means is that me, Evan, and Rickey have formed a pact for doing missions. We are the best at what we do, Rickey flies and drives, I shoot, and Evan takes care of any other challenges that may come to rise.

Last night we boosted a helicopter from the army base on the island that we shouldn’t have been on yet, which meant that the FBI was trying to stop us and the army sent Harriers to bring us down. We got the helicopter home despite the critics, namely PJ and Evan.

The helicopter was armored, it could take at least two missiles, but it was slow and we later found a Maverick helicopter, a familiar vehicle for you GTA faithful out there. We flew around until we had sufficiently bored ourselves and then decided that it was time to work at the missions. We did a mission marathon that found us underwater, jumping boats, killing pimps, driving monster trucks, and leading blind men around. I used every form of unorthodox over kill I could think of (like rocketing a speed boat out of the water from a distance because I was just too tired to chase it down proper.)

I had a chance to get my mind off the stress I was feeling because of what happens tomorrow. So as I said…I’m ready now—things couldn’t make more sense now.

I have a test tonight too, so that makes me a littler nervous, but it’s the last until the final, so its good this is almost over.

24 hours…33 minutes…45 seconds…that’s when the date begins—

Until then umm, I guess its GTA time

Viva Las Venturas!! Part the second...

Last night was uninteresting and normal until dinner time, I went with Casey Chanele and Brandon, Shana came in a little later on. I ran into Desiree and her father, that made me a little nervous and threw me a bit, but I recovered nicely.

Then after dinner, the guys were left to fend for themselves, Evan, Ricky, Brandon and I made our way back to the dorm and played GTA for the rest of the night. We did take a break to run to the bookstore, but after that it was full on Grand Theft Auto Action. We got all the way to Las Venturas (the final city) and before we got there we stole a very nice little armored army helicopter. All and all, it was a good day.

Something of Value

What makes a memory that's valued? I don't mean like a normal memory, because most of us would value all of our memories, they are part of us, part of what makes us who we are. But I mean what makes certain memories something of value that we will treasure for the rest of our lives. That's what I'm looking for as I try to plan this date, that certain little Something of Value.

But Thursday is closing fast like a car that's racing towards you with its headlights bright and horn blaring. And like any person would do in that given situation, I've stopped in the middle of the road, frozen in fright and pulled a stupid face. Because what else can you really do? How can you keep your composure during an event like that?

But the stupid face thing doesn't mean I haven't tried to plan something, on the contrary. Ask anyone around here, I've been taking polls from girls, well asking around about what girls think. Why just the girls you ask. Because the guys don't matter they don't make a bit of damn difference. Anyone that says different doesn't know. Why do you think men invented gender stratification? To make themselves seem important!

Back to the point at hand, I'm starting to think that you can't make one of those special memories that easy. That something of value doesn't just come up like that to make a memory special when we want it to. There are some exceptions, when a child is born, weddings, and prom are just a few.

But overall there isn't something you can really do to make a day special unless by the grace of God it just turns out that way. I guess I can pray to make it special. I guess for some people its hard to pray for a good date because for them good would mean they got sex and well that's not what I want at all.

Maybe a kiss at the most, because that's all I could do with a clear conscious.

The elements of the day are pretty much as follows, we're going to go to dinner, Italian food at a place called Lorenzo's, then to get some ice cream from Marble Slab, after that we're going to walk around the park underneath the Tower of the Americas and lastly its back here to watch a movie.

I guess that something of value for me on this date is going to be her, because any time is special when it involves her...

All of this is getting to me so much that its creepy, I can’t even seem to write like I used to. It took me forever to do six pages [double spaced] yesterday. And today I only did one page of story. My mind is so locked up, I’m hoping that next weekend while Desi is in Dallas and Casey and Chanele are out camping I can do some serious story writing and finish Endgame [my story] up. It’s been the only thing I’ve worked on since I got here if I remember correctly.

I will be starting a column, kind of like a little current events thing, so anyone who reads this can look for it. I’m going to be getting some space on Juliet’s site and I’ll be posting observations and thoughts on there, kind of an editorial thing. Mostly about news and current events, guess I better start watching the news again.

Well I better get off this thing, I have a lot to think about. On that date I should tell her what I said about the something of value thing. I should let her know that I went through a lot of thought to make this night special for her, just to let her know that I cared enough to remember what she likes, and that in the equation of things she is my something of value.

Early in the Morning

It's been a strange day already, last night I was asleep before two AM. It was like some kind of miracle, and you know what? I don't feel like I missed a damn thing because I know nothing was going on that late last night. The biggest surprise, I got up at seven this morning, that's like even stranger because thats one of the earliest time's I've gotten up on my own.

Now its time to get right down to business, it just came to my attention that yesterday's post is absent from this journal because I wrote it but neglected to post it. Yeah I know how that looks for me, but anyway, whatever.

As of last night half the battle was over, I wrote two essays, one extra credit and the other for class. The other half of the battle is the tests--two today, one tomorrow and the hoping I come out of all of this with my ass still entact. I'm planning on walking to class pretty late today, so I'll have to rush and get a scantron before hand. Since nothing has really occurred today, I guess I'll just go ahead and end this and try to get some writing in.

Preparation Anxiety

I spent the night at Chanele's and Casey's last night, and I'm there right now. It's really odd how I'm feeling now, I'm still in utter shock at the news that Desiree is willing to try a date with me. She seems to me to be out of my league. So far out that it's just unbelievable.

I'm planning to break my back over this one, flowers, dinner and maybe a movie. Basically the works. [before I go any further, let me say that Chanele's keyboard is not like mine , so any spelling mistakes are probably for that reason. I'm usually careful and this is not to be careless, but it takes adjustment]

Today has been hard for me, my anxiousness might kill before I get to Thursday, if three tests in two days don't do it first. I have two essays to work on, and I'm at a loss, I don't know if I can write in my condition, I do my worst writing when I'm like this all tired and stressed out. I tried to do some story earlier today, and well lets just say I scraped it because it blew the perverbial dog. Until this date I'll be writing handicapped, and I hope my shittiest is good enough, because its all I can muster.

Chanele and Casey have been a big support for me, and I hope I can return the favor some day, because I don't think anyone else here has provided as much help as the two of them. They really care and offered to help asking nothing and return and its good to have friends like that. Even some of my friends back home were nothing like that and it makes me feel more at home here. It wasn't hard adjusting here, because there's so many people like me, its like having a family or being at home even.

Today was pretty dull between my two trips to the University Center to get some food. I spent this weekend, as I do most, with Chanele and Casey most of the time. Brandon has been very shut up in his room for some odd reason, I'm still too upset to inquire any further into it, there's alot going on here that I don't get, and some I just don't want to.

Like I know I've said before, things here move at light speed. I got used to that a while back, but it took a while.

I just realized how alone I'll be next weekend, no Desi, Casey, Chanele or Lauren or Hannah, I guess I better make plans or I'll be stuck here with nothing to do. I'll probably use the time for writing and catching up in anything that I need to.

The final parto f my plan has got ot be put into play, the fountains or the park that's what the gamble comes down to, wish me luck fuckers...I have to get off here...


....There's only five weeks left....

A Little Less Conversation

Today, what to say about a beautiful day like this, good times always have a way of sneaking right up behind you when you least expect it. Things couldn't be going better, well they could be, but beggers can't be choosers, now can that? I woke up today around one o' clock and rolled out the bed in some sort of daze, my stomach burning and a headache slamming around the front of my forehead.
I lay there in pain for a moment and decided to call Casey to see if she had any kind of medicine to help this, she did and I had to wait a while before she got back to let me in and give it to me. Does anyone else notice that guys aren't usually concerned with health matters? I mean I don't even know where the hospital is in this town.

I do know if I call 911 someone will take me there and I know how to get some treatment, but I just don't worry about these kinds of things. But as most of us know, black people aren't normally into high stress activties, unless the activties include 1) walking past the cops, 2) being anywhere in the area of a crime or 3) going through Alabama to get ANYWHERE.

So I have no need to know where the nearest hospital is, I don't plan on getting hurt any time soon. That's right, God's a fair guy, he's pretty much not likely to let you get hurt if you stay away from doing crazy things, like hanging off the side of cars (which I was dumb enough to do) and bungee jumping, which you'll never see me do.

I went to Anthropology and took a test, which I'm very optimistic about, because even if I do poorly, because my grades tend to be high B's he'll just raise the low one, if there is only one. I have a test Monday in my other Anthropology and one Tuesday in my (dreadful) History class.

As you can probably tell from my description of History, I do not like it one bit, the only cool thing is the girl who sits behind me, Lisa, she's really funny and we talk between bounts of the Professor going on. It's just a friendly thing, I already have someone in mind and this other girl is too old for me!

After those classes I met Desiree for dinner, went as well as I could expect it to go, but afterwards I told her that I liked her, and I expected the worst, like her to walk off or something like that. But she just turned a little red and smiled, and that's always good. So she and I aren't a couple, but we're going out, this time for real--its declared--a date next week on Thursday....

I need to come up with a car, some cash and a plan before this, I better get cracking. So next week, two tests wait I mean three, because there's one in Polotics--I have to e-mail my prof about that one. But until tomorrow I'm going to have to go, I have planning and writing to do, papers due next week!

Viva Las Venturas!!

Everywhere I go I run into them, people who are sitting there sulking over Bush's recent victory. Its okay to have wanted the other guy, but to them I say--"Cut that out and go do you damn job!" I mean you could be out planting a tree or picking on people too defenseless to say anything about it. Don't sit around all day crushed, especially Texans--this is Texas, what did you expect to happen, did you really expect to see a big blue Texas on that map?

I'm not going to spend all of this post talking about that, because I've been getting angry at people for the last few days because the rub me the wrong way. I admit that Kerry was robbed, he won the popular vote, but the electoral college is crap, but no one wants to get rid of it because as someone said earlier proudly after saying Kerry should have one, " its tradition".

I don't back either one of them, but its over and done now--no recounts. So let it go and get on with your life. Now, its on to the goodies!

It is so cold and beautiful here, I think this is the nicest day I can remember in a while. The only wish I have is that we could sink the sun out of the sky or just block it out partly. It ruins a nice cold day, up there with the shining and the constant heating us up. The sun is not good, its only good for plants and people who like vitamin D. We should block it out or put up some giant screen.

The sky was as blue as the ocean off the coast of Cancun, or even as Desi's eyes. I really like that color blue, its great. Well I called Desi and asked her if she wanted to go to Las Vegas, she did, only problem she has to work. Well there's goes the whole Vegas trip, not like I wanted to go anyway.

It was about two when I called and talked to her, so we opted to go to the middle of campus together, she had to work, I had class. So we walked up there and had a nice little conversation and everything was peachy. I went to my class, Anthropology and talked with Allison some about the whole thing she did Monday where Disney interviewed her for a job. Sounded like she had some fun when it was all said and done and she's hoping to get the job.

She keeps saying that I should try out for the job too, because it could open up oppurtunities for me in the future as an animator and stuff. But I don't know about all of that. I've never really seen myself as an animator, just a writer. Its kind of the only way I can realistically see myself now.

After that class I went to the bookstore, where guess who works, to get a drink. Desi spotted me and asked me about the whole Vegas thing, she slapped me of turning it down. It wasn't a hard slap, just the cute playful kind.

Well after that I went down to my Comp class and sat there while she explained our essay to us, good thing my topic is something I have books about already, because I hate setting foot in the library. It's just weird to be in there. My teacher and I cracked a few jokes back and fourth and everything seemed cool, this is one of the best days I've had in class yet.

She's a young teacher, only 24 and she tells us hilarious stories about things that haved happened to her in the past and she understands us better because she was just recently where we are now. It's good to have someone like that, its harder and harder to have that the furthur back in school you go. How can a first grade teacher relate to a student? It makes their job hard.

After that class I came back here to sit around and do I don't know what for a good hour and a half, then at 6 I get a call from Desiree and she wants me to come to dinner. Well my roommate came with me to dinner. He was blatantly fliriting with Desiree that made me so mad. She didn't seem responsive. If it happens again I'll have to call him out. But I'm not all that sure how I would do that.

But that's all besides the point because tomorrow I'm going to try to muster up the courage to ask Desiree out, I need to do this because I think I've waited enough time and all I'll do if I wait longer is drag it out until she loses interest in me if there is any. So I need to do this and if things don't go well I'll just pick up and continue to be her friend, because she's always fun to hang around with. So I will talk to her tomorrow and see what she thinks. I'll tell her about how I've had more fun with her than I have with anyone else since I've been here. And I'll just explain myself with out being too sappy, because being sappy is just sad.

Election Night

It seems like the last four years of Bush's reign might be at an end, or they might not, can't say I care either way--neither of the two is qualified to take over the country and most people are just voting for the other because they absolutely won't vote for one. Maybe you read my little rant about voiting, none the less I know people have voted.

Well all of this is besides the point, I had a pretty good day, went to dinner with Desiree and had some good conversation there. We have alot of fun hanging out and stuff, but I'm just not all that sure she likes me. I don't know what it is but I'm just really unsure of myself now.

Well after that I really did nothing, my dad called and asked me if I wanted to go to Las Vegas at the begining of December, so I can go and take a friend, or not go. I want to take, guess who, and I'm not sure if she will go. I'm going to try and find out in a little, well right now, I'm trying to call her and the head set is on my head. I feel like a telemarketer when I wear this thing, I'm not getting an answer and I'm worried that she might be busy because this is really close to finals and I'm not even sure that that I should be going on this trip.

I'm really nervous about asking her, I'm nervous when I just talk to her, I just look at this pretty girl and I wonder how I can even sit there and be serious about this. I'm not sure if my doubt shines through and if she can tell what I'm feeling. Girls that hand around alot of boys like she does really seem to just pick up on when guys are feeling something but don't want to admit it.

We must be really easy to read, even when we're trying to hide something. I'm good at reading girls for the most part, I can tell when they're upset really easy and sometimes I can even tell why they're upset. And I'm really good at telling when their cold (not the way that all you perverts are thinking).

I've even gotten kind of good at reading Desi and I try to keep her as comfortable as possible. If all of this really leading to something, then I want to make sure that we're pretty compatable and that we can just be alright together. I really don't think there would be a problem.

I haven't had time to do much writing lately, I'm going to go do some now on my story that I'm turning in tomorrow. I have two tests coming up and a paper due next week, so I'm, getting ready. Well I better get going so I can get this crap done.

Reenact...for what. and Don't Vote

Tell me why is it that people feel the need to reenact bad bullshit that's happened in the past, I just saw a commercial saying that they were going to reenact the bombing of Pearl Harbor. First of all, how the hell do you do that? I mean there was something like a dozen ships sunken and three thousand men killed.

Second of all, why the fuck would you, what the hell hit these people in the head? I mean is there nothing sacred in this world. How the fuck do you just start picking tragic events and having people act them out, when they happened like 60 years ago and they're mentioned by everyone who wants to sound clever when they talk about history.

Yeah, next time they have a big "We got blown up" party in Hiroshima and reenact the dropping of the Atomic bomb, someone call me, I don't care, call collect from Japan. I want to know about this, because that's un-fucking-believable, I'm so pissed I can't stop cursing. If I get any madder I might switch into AOL Nerd mode and cease all use of capital letters and proper punctuation.

People reenact wars, they think its cool to run around dressed like a bunch of people who died fighing for something they believed in. Now they're reenacting the day we got our asses handed to us by a sneak attack, next thing you know they'll want to build a scale model of the Twin Towers and ram tiny planes into because they think it makes them part of something.

Why don't you idiots go reenact a suicide bombing next, except you can run into a crowd of cardboard cut out people.

That's all I have to say about that, because it was making me really mad, I have to mention something else, this whole, vote or die, please vote because we need people to vote thing...

If you live in Texas, don't vote, because if you vote for Bush you're just doing what most of the state is doing, and if you vote for Kerry you're just wasting gas and you're own damn time, Bush has this state and if Kerry wins it I'll break my GTA game in half. Know why I said that?

Because he won't win this state.

I don't doubt he'll win the election, but he will never win this state. When was the last time any democrate won this state. Who else is tired of Puff Daddy and his little Vote or Die campagin. I'm sorry Puffy, but no one is going to fall over dead if we don't vote.

I'm black, I have a brain in my head, I can see what's going on in the world today, I don't need a "hip-hop" attitude or someone who thinks their anything besides a preformer to tell me that the President is important. But I remember last election someone saying things about Bush will set this country back 20 years?

How the hell does that happen? I mean if anything Clinton did that with his deprive the Defense Budget policy. Bush didn't do any worse than anyone else would have done, this was all bound to happen and I'm just glad that these last 4 years were at least interesting, if I can say one thing about Bush, he's entertaining to watch.

He is dumb as the day is long, and I mean 'oops I ate the soap dumb' and there's not much else I could say to show that point enough, doesn't make him a bad person. But Dick Cheney is evil and that's that.

Now Kerry, he is some kind of human incarnation of Skeletor from He-Man. He looks like he needs to pin some of his skin back before it falls off. And then there's his policies that require all this money no one has. I could run for President on the platform that we can use wishes and good intentions to get by.

So my advice, don't vote, if no one votes then they'll have to wonder what happened to everything. And then we can call them and tell them that they need to abolish the Electoral College, because that system is bullshit--states have points?

It's like something that belongs in a tacky board game.

So I'm not voiting and that's that, plus I can't get home to do it, four hour drive, I have a class Tuesday....