Heard the News?

Apparently a lot has happened in the last few days that I was unaware of, like the hurricane. I went over to my old roommate, Brandon's, place and I was hanging out for a while. They were all watching the news. I watched it for a while and saw all the crap that had happened to New Orleans. I didn't know any of this was going on.

I guess its good they had warning, because Houston never really did with Hurricane Allison. It just hit us one day unexpectedly. Well I don't have much to say about today, I am starting to get pissed. The gas prices are so fucking high and without a really good reason. First they said the War did it, then they said China entering the market did it, now its the Hurricane. I think its all bullshit. The gas prices are high because the gas companies know that no one will do anything about it.

And what can we do, alternative fuels aren't yet readily availible. So we just have to wait until gas gets so outlandishly priced? I think that something needs to give soon. Well I have to go.

Oh Noes!

I need to make this quick, keep it short and just write something in here. I went over and watched television with Allison tonight, hung out with some friends earlier, but nothing note worthyt. But when Allison and I were on the couch watching Nightmare Before Christmas there was this point where I just felt this urge to kiss her.

I mean what the fuck, I don't even know what the hell that's supposed to mean. All I could think was like holy shit and oh noes!. I think I must be really wanting someone now...

Over the weekend I got a surprise, Bendel Rushing, a kid I went to camp with, goes to school here. I haven't seen him since August of 2001 when we were in Washington D.C. Oh and today I found out one of my Freshmen friends was in my class, guess it won't be so boring after all.

Recap

I haven't really been here to do this in a little while, but its not like anything big happened. I'm kind of glad that I have gotten to meet the little Freshmen girls, their sweet and really cute. I love watching them talk because some people are real animated and funny when talking. But right now I need some more nerdy guys to hang out with so we can do nerdy stuff. I think I met a potential candidate the other day.

It was actually a little while back, let me explain the whole thing. On my second time eating the new cafe here I happened to be bored just sitting with my old roommate Brandon. So while he was talking to someone else I got up and kind of wandered the room. I came across a really pretty girl sitting alone and I asked her was everything okay and if she had someone to sit with her. She told me she had friends on the way, but for some reason we struck up a conversation. Her name, for the sake of confidentiality is D. I talked to D for what must have been fifteen or twenty minutes. Then I told her I better get back to my table.

On the way there, I run into a guy wearing a Domokun shirt, for those who don't know what he is. He's a Japanese television mascot of sorts. Kind of like the NBC peacock, only with more of an active role. He's the thing to the right. Well that shirt, in and of itself is pretty nerdy. So we started talking a little and he seemed pretty cool.

That's pretty much it for my little adventure that day, but on a side note, the very next day CJ, Jen and I go down to the cafe because...we were hungry. And when we get to the table the sun keeps coming in through the window hitting me in the face. Not literally. But you know.

So I tell them we're moving the table, because the day before the sun had defeated when it made me move and I'm not leaving the table this time. I mean that may sound dumb, but I had been at that table for thirty minutes, no billion year old ball of burning gas was going to make me move because it's on the clock!

Well there were these girls at the next table over, I asked them if we could slide our table against theres to get the sun back, the spot was at the perfect angle to avoid getting hit. They said yes so we did. But it was like no one introduced themselves. So CJ and I kept talking as we normally would have. Then something compelled me to tell them who I was. And when I did, come to find out the one at the head of the table who I had asked if I could move our table against theirs was D.

Ladies, in all seriousness, its not fair to expect someone to recognize you when you go and put on glasses and put your hair in a pony tail. Of course she acted like it was because she was uglier. Not the case at all, just didn't look like what I remembered from the day before. The glasses weren't even a bad touch. Funny thing was I still kept looking at her going Wow, she's cute I just never acted on it.

And she gave me one of those, I smiled at you to let you know, but I get lots a smile from people all day. Some people love to smile about nothing. I thought nothing of it. So we kind of took time just talking that day. But one of her friends posed the question had I ever been to the club, of course I haven't. CJ promptly answered, Well, everybody in the clubs gettin' tipsy...and its just not my scene.

We've got stop with the puns and references, no one understands us when we talk. I think the only female that does anymore is Allison.

So I offered to take them if they showed me around when they went, and that's how I got here. Justin is going to a club. I don't believe this shit!

On a slightly shittier note, my parents made me drive back to Gatesville this morning at six AM to cut the yard there. Its three hours. I hadn't had sleep. Brandon came with me and we got there, I cut the yard and did various other tasks for her that included such fun things as:

• Standing in the heat


• Getting yelled at


• Getting grass and dust on me so thick I started to itch all over and scratched till I bled in a spot (whoop-dee-fucking-doo)


• Sweeping up dog poop


• Getting chased by big ass bees (I swear to God these bees were like fucking hell spawn)


• Fighting off various elemental Ninjas...okay so I made this up, but its more believable than something else like...making out with all these hot girls. Not that that's any fun when your constantly itching!

I drove back here, got home at 7 pm, and crashed. And here I am now. Oh and I have a new comic, but I better get this done. so Erin can read it lol. Post that crap later.

Magic Bullet

I feel better now, not all the way normal, but I'll be okay. I just heard something to day that showed how bad someone can really have it suddenly. These girls I sit with at dinner, their freshmen, one of them was telling me that last night was her boyfriend's birthday. He accidentally shot himself in the hand.

I laughed.

I laughed so hard that I stopped and laughed again, almost choked and suddnely things just seemed like they would be okay again. Not right away. But oh well. I'll get by with or without, I'll make due with what I have somehow and I'll only do what needs to be done. I won't get what I want all of the time, but I'll always make sure to get what I need to make it.

So many of my friends have had bad days, Allison's friend from MI sent her a letter today about how she had ruined his life, I don't blame anyone else for what happened to me, its my fault essentailly. And he should understand why she did what she did. But she's not moping around over there, I went to check on her. She told me that she's learned to take anything now, she's gotten stronger for it. I hope I can learn that some day.

Right now I have some catching up to do, I've got more to do than just that. Funny story, I'm going to a club next week. Can you believe it? I've never been. This should be good for a laugh since I can't dance and don't really drink. I'll be around more later.

Pretending Gets You Nowhere.

I'm done trying to pretend that everything is okay and I'm just fine. I know its not true.

It's nice to know that when I trust someone, when I need someone to be there. I can't even count on my own parents. It's a really good incentive to make it big in the world. Just so you can have a better life, and get let down by all the right people? I look around and everyone is at such a distance.

The one other person I counted on to be there to talk to me won't now, and without reason that I know of. The people that I live around, the people here don't really care. I can't get advice from anyone here, I don't even want to trust anyone. I'm through with it. I've seen how it feels to do it, you just end up disappointed in the end. You end up deader on the inside for it. You end up like me, wishing you weren't here.

I told my parents what was going on with me, I thought they would try and understand when I don't feel like talking, or when I just want someone to talk to even. So when they called today and I tried to discuss it with them and told them I was feeling bad they tell me its bullshit and the only problem I'm having is me wanting something to blame my bad grades on. All they care about are grades and I'm sick of it. When I come home with anything its always, why isn't this better. So yeah, when I was make A's and they were the mid 90s number wise, hearing this is not good enough really made me happy.

No wonder I take the attitude that I might as well not try if when I do it's not good enough. I'm not good enough. I get tired of never being good enough for anyone else. I get tired of just seeming like everything I do goes unnoticed or gets passed by. I bust my ass for someone only to have them ignore me, or call me a liar, or tell me what I'm feeling is bullshit. How dare anyone do that to another person. Even if I think I'm crap, I'm still human. And I deserve to at least be told whats going or heard out once.

I'm not saying anything outlandish here or anything that requires a person to come shelter me and take care of me, I can't be the only person who feels ignored, I know others must know how it feels. So then why do people continue to do it to other people. Why when my parents call do they never ask how I am or how was my day. When I ask them they say nothing and go on about how I'm a failure and all this other shit.

Everyone tries to reason with me about the idea of unconditional love, I don't believe in that anymore. I don't believe anyone can ever have that. I doubt anyone I know will say they experinced it. And I can say why, when someone tries to give it, they usually get it rammed down their throat. And when anyone thinks they feel it usually the other person is just bullshitting them. I wonder if the things I've thought for so long were all you really needed in life even exist.

I've tried to be nice, to be helpful and to be there for people and everytime it gets me fucked over and hurt. Having problems trusting others isn't a problem. It's the only way to assure your sanity. Right now I think that's the one thing I can be sure of.

Thank you so much Twinks and Megan for trying to help, but I can't help myself anymore. I'm done fighting to get somewhere when it seems in the end none of it matters and I end up right where I started. I was better off last December when I didn't know or have to deal with many people. When I was alone more often than not. Now I don't want to be lonely and I can't help but feel like I am. I can't teach myself to like myself and maybe Twinks is right, I don't need anyone right now. But I'd like someone, they'd just have to be a little understanding. But I'm not even telling people around me what's going on. No one knows this. So its not like it gets pushed off on them.

Everything I thought I had is gone, I'm even starting to think I'm not healthy. What's the point anymore? None of this is going anywhere.

Love

Is love just something we make up to make ourselves as humans feel important? Is the same true for a soul? I'm not feeling good at all. I'm about ready to just give up this facade.

This is All Her Fault...

I usually stray away from Blogger surveys because the code I do for them is Hell. But since Twinks listed my name at the bottom I'll just buckle down and do it.

Seven things you plan to do before you die

1. Have two beautiful daughters

2. Marry the girl of my dreams

3. Drive Across the Country

4. Write a Novel

5. Spend one year living in LA or New York

6. Kiss a girl on the observation deck of the Effiel tower

7. Manage my own business

Seven things you can do

1. I can write

2. Think of spur of the moment witty and sweet things.

3. I can drive really well

4. Cook some of the best spagehetti you ever had.

5. I can remember birthdays

6. I can recall tons of pointless information

7. I can draw

Seven things you can't do

1. Flirt with strangers

2. Sleep without noise

3. Pass up a Cinnabon

4. Go a day without Caffine

5. Let a girl cry without trying to help

6. Draw Cows

7. Draw Planes

Seven things that attract you to the opposite sex

1. Red Hair

2. Nerdiness

3. Beautiful Eyes

4. Out Spokeness

5. Honesty

6. Smart

7. Kind and Helpfulness

Seven things you say most

1. Dude

2. Junk/Slong/Dick/Penis (basically any reference to the male genitalia)

3. Bad Ass

4. Own/Pwn

5. Blows Goat (in reference to other things)

6. Hardcore

7. She's Cute (I frequently look at the girls around me in public)

Seven celebrity crushes(click on 1 of the names to see pics)

1. The only ones I can think of are: Julianne Moore, Lindsay Lohan, Amy Acker, Halle Berry, and Michelle Trachtenburg.

Seven people you want to take this quiz (I'll make it optional)

1. Autumn

2. Yara

3. Amanda

4. Kay

5. Megan

6. Angelique

7. Jamie

I have a lot to write about next time that I get in to the mood for it. I had a talk with Twinks about some stuff the other day and she kind of convinced me.

Moving Along

Confused and drained. I spent the day with Allison and some of it with Brandon. I had seen her last Friday, it was the first time we'd hung out in eight months. I forgot how much I liked her. I mean talking on the net and phone is one thing. But in person she's like the best friend I never had. I have no idea what she thinks of me, or what's going on in her head. I mean of course I don't, but I guess I would like to know better what she thinks of me. All I really know is I missed her.

Right now I'm nervous, nervous about going to counseling tomorrow. I wish I just had someone to hug me and tell me that everything would be okay. My parents have been calling me wanting to talk to me today. Not to be rude or anything, but they only seem to want to blame someone besides themselves respectively. They don't give a damn what's really going on, I was surprised that they listen to me when I first suggested it.

My mom was the one who acted the most adversely to the thing, but my dad didn't act like I would have wanted either. They keep asking me the same stupid damn questions: What caused it, why didn't you call us, how long has it been going on? Get it through your fucking head, I don't know. I just want space from you, that's it. If I want something else I would ask for it. Right now I don't even want most of my friends knowing.

Right now I pretty much stay bolted up in my room, and frankly I don't see any reason to change things. I mean if Allison or someone like that calls or Rickey comes and wants to go somewhere. I'll get up and go. But as far as being all out in the open calling attention to myself, I just don't think that's me. I never have liked attention. Right now I'd like to have someone I could just hang out with in my room, not do stuff with. Just someone to talk to privately. I'm already tired of these group discussions. Everyone feels the need to be funny and chime in with jokes right and left. Not everyone wants to hear funny. Some of us just want to have a discussion.

I think part of it might also be I'm striving to have someone to be close to, I really want someone I can talk to and hang out with around here on a pretty regular basis, like at least three times a week or something. Well not feeling very well tonight. I'm going to have to get up early so I'll be going to bed soon. Kay if you read this I really miss talking to you, I just have to say it out right because I don't know another way. And Megan I have some stuff to talk to you about for Claudia that I just found out from this book.

I have clothes to go get. I have to go.

This Is Only A Test

It feels like I've been away for a while, I have so many blogs to comment on before I head to bed! School starts this week, its going to be different I guess. A new semester and all. I'm going to try and make things better around here. Starting with my grades.

I feel like getting back into the swing of things with a blog about something I got in my email the other day. There's this guy who has some kind of column, he emails it around. It's about how to meet and date women. Its's so funny because a lot of the things he mentions seem to kind of ring true. The latest one he sent out was about The Tests Women Give Us. Now all of you know when I say test I don't mean multiple choice with a little green par score scantron.

I mean verbal and mental things that girls do to test out the waters. This pisses some men off because they feel like they are being done wrong. But the author of the article stated that women have to test men. Otherwise men could just lie and that would be the end of it. Women, through years of dating evolution, have developed this as kind of a failsafe to protect them from asshole men. Unfortunately a lot of other men get caught up in this too.

Sometimes it seems like when you're just friends with a girl they test you, to see if you can be trusted and the like. I would like to think those are the easier set of tests. But I don't really know if they even know they are doing it or what.

That's why I think I'll play it like Autumn and Twinks do, and ask a question. This is for all of the ladies out there: When you test a guy do you know it? Or do you even test them?

That Trains Never Late...

Last night reconfirmed why I didn't go right away and tell my parents what I thought was going on. Instead of them asking what they could do to help, they start arguing about who's fault it is. Of course my mom was the one who started it. She can't stand to see people talking things out in a logical fashion.

I realized last night that my mom never tells anyone that she's sorry for what she's done. As opposed to me who says it all of the time and needs to stop. She can't even admit that there might be reason to apologize. My dad pointed it out to her last night and she said she wasn't going to say it.

Then my mom went on to talk about how she knew something was wrong with me all along, I'm not normal. Okay yeah, I know I'm not normal...what ever the fuck that means. But if she's talking about how I would come in high school, go to my room and play on the net or go to PJ's its because I was tried of catching shit every time I stuck my head out of my room.

Maybe I resented you because you sent me to a high school that I didn't want to go to that was 20 miles further from the house than the one I was zoned to. And then when I couldn't make friends there you blamed me for not going to hang out with more people. Bitch, I didn't have that kind of gas even when I wanted to hang out with people. Then I finally make some friends and you get all pissy because they weren't black like you wanted them to be?

This might be why I blame myself for so much of the shit I see around me. Any time I could even have anything to do with someone being upset I freak out and think its my fault. Regardless of whether or not it is.

I used to be all worried about getting your apporval for things, and then later on down the line I saw it didn't really matter. You would just take the good I did and twist it. Like at school I got along better with girls than guys, I hung out with them more. So you figured I must have been sleeping with them. I never even tried to sleep with one my friends from high school! You just figured that He's so horrible the only way he could make friends is by fucking them?

Thanks for believing in me.

I admit, dad never really did say that I did anything really good, but you never said I did a single thing good. You overlook any good I do and concentrate on the smallest bad thing you can find with it. And not in that try to better next time way but in a Look how bad you fucked up way.

So after a few minutes of them arguing and my mom saying how everyone but her needed counseling in the family, I started playing with the puppy then I just got up and walked out. I didn't feel like listening to her shit.

I talked to my brother Jeff on the phone for a while, he was the only person I cared to talk to that I hadn't in a while. People from the college keep calling, I don't feel like talking now. Unless Allison calls I'm not picking up the damn phone.

She's the only one at the school who knows whats going on with me and if she calls and I don't pick up she might get worried. Plus she might need someone to talk to. Everyone keeps asking if I'm okay. Not really, no. Because I realize now that I know what I need to do, theres no excuse not to do it. But its going to be hard.

There's not very much I want out of life, but I feel like all of them are things I really would have to fight for. One of them feels too far away, too unattainable. Another feels like it will be a long time before I can get it, which is for the best anyway because I'm not ready for it. And still another will have to wait till after school because I need school to do good at it.

There's still a lot to sort out. But I need to go, grass to mow.

Resolution

I really can't write a very long entry, I'm on my mother's computer at the house in Gatesiville, Texas. I'd be surprised if you've ever heard of the place. I've decided that I'm really going actually work on getting back on my feet. I start going to thearpy sessions Tuesday and I'm going to concentrate on me and the things that matter to me this time around. A lot of people told me that I just didn't worry about myself enough, but I usually just told them its how I wanted to be or that I chose to be that way.

I think I just did that because I thought I needed to just to keep friends. But I shouldn't have to, no one needs friends who take and take and give nothing back. That's not how any relationship should work. It's also not right to have one person giving everything and the other giving nothing. Real friends don't work that way either, even if the one person likes giving they shouldn't be the only one doing it.

I'm not going to base what I have on what other people have, because I want something for myself. I want to follow my own ideals and not be bound by what someone else thinks. I learned all to week that when I say Man, I want that things might not be as good as they look from the outside. Or they may not stay so good all of the time.

What I want is something good and true and not hidden, I mean I don't want to have to down play anything I do, because who really gives a damn what others think. When I told my dad what was going on and he actually listened, I realized how much I had been in the wrong by always just telling everyone I was okay. Or telling people that I'd be happy as long as they were. I love to see my friends happy and all, but it hurts sometimes when you can't seem to be happy too.

I am still going to be nice and all of that, and I'm still going to worry about my friends. But I'm not going to let it effect me unless its a concern of mine. I'm not going to spend time dwelling on relationships between friends, its really none of my business. I really don't have time to hunt down solutions to other people's problems or to get all worked up for them. They usually wouldn't listen anyway.

Well, I need to go. Got other things to do.

No Time To Talk

Going to bed and didn't have time to write, but I found something I really want today These!. So yeah.

Deep Down

Needless to say I haven't been having a good week, and it looks like things are going to get worse before they get better. It would appear that in spit of everything I do, nothing I tell my parents is the truth. I get called a liar and told I'm full of shit. I can't even get out the words about the worst part of things, because I just don't know what to say when they call me a liar for saying I'm depressed.

Its hard for me to even admit that I might be depressed, let alone tell another person I think I am. When I first asked Kay about it my heart skipped a beat. I just wanted her to call me goofy and lame and tell me it was just stress and it would pass. But deep down I knew she wouldn't.

I talked to Emily a little about the subject too, this was earlier tonight around the time that i decided to call the office tomorrow and schedule some kind of appointment I don't know what goes on and I don't know if there's anything I can really. I mean I knew it was bad when I threw up earlier, I hate to throw up, I think everyone does but something just made me that sick.

Right now I don't even think I'm capable of even functioning right, I mean the other day someone told me they loved me, in a friendly way I think, and I can't even say it back, I can't even try because when I think about it I just figure I don't deserve to be loved. And I know that's not right. Everyone deserves to have someone love them, why can't I just say it.

I feel pretty bad for some of the conversations I've had over the last few days, Allison got pretty mad I think because all I could do was whine, I did the same with Kay and she told me to go have a cigarette and chill the hell out, it acutally worked and I came back pretty level headed.

That was when I decided to see when the school offices for conseling were open, they have this little test to see if your depressed, its just a click the bubble thing and it didn't give me and answer. But one of the bubbles I clicked brought up this warning so I think that means I should head up there tomorrow.

I ended up getting a bad grade in my second class and my parents were pissed about it, so as a punishment their taking away my car. Which means I won't be able to do half the things I wanted to, like get a job so that I can actually have enough money to live comfortably.

I've been talking to Twinks about this too and she seems to have some experince in these areas. So it seems like I have a good amount of friends to talk to about things. One thing I have to say is that I really want to listen to my kids when I have them. I don't want ignore them and make them think they can't trust me. That goes above all of that stuff I was saying the other night about having kids.

Well, I guess now I'll go, I'm talking to people.

I Wanna Be That Dad...

Alright, if you were up and saw the two test posts that I will by now have erased, I was testing out a new program that allows me to blog from my desktop, its called w.bloggar and it's pretty nice. It's an HTML editor that allows me to blog. Before I was just typing them into an editor and cutting and pasting, now I am doing the posting from the editor too. I feel so nerdy and lame, its nice.

I talked to Kay on the phone today and she suggested that I just leave and go somewhere. Not that I'm trying to make excuses, but with the gas averaging about 2.45 from what I see, this is not the time to go anywhere when your low on money, which I happen to be.

I don't even having a savings and I need to find a job so bad, I think tomorrow I might run over to the mall and check there to see what they have that I might be interested in.

Since I've been kind of a downer lately I decided to post something a little more light hearted. Just to take my mind off things that have been going on. I had a conversation a while back about the kind of father I wanted to be when I had kids later on in life.

I think I was talking with my roommate and I said that I wanted to be that dad that all of my daughters friends thought was hot, I wouldn't do anything with them. I would just be around doing very distracting things so that it would upset my daughter. I think it would be funny.

But I know that it's probably highly unlikely I'll ever reach that status, I just find it funny to think about. I was telling Kay that I definately have a thing for a good looking mom. It's just how I am. And I don't mean the trashy look slut mom, I mean the one who's got class and stuff. I'm not into trashy looking girls in any right, so why would I be when it comes to moms.

The strange thing about all of this is, I hear a lot of guys talk about moms, but I never hear women talk about dads. I mean supposedly its hot when you have older distinguished men, like I know a lot of women like Richard Gear or George Clooney, so how come none of them are ever after a dad.

I guess all this really proves is that people are weird, and that men really dont' care about age as much, unless the girls are underage..then they better. I think I'll wrap this up. I have something else to get on. I'll try to do some more of this tomorrow.

Sorting It All Out

Doing a lot of thinking, most of it about different little things here and there. Life's not been that thrilling, things are pretty straight without classes. And I'm still sad, I'm still tryign to sort all of this out. And through all of this there's another question in the back of my mind. Something that I'm wondering about or if it is even possible. Could it be, I can't even think now. I might just have to work this one out on my own.

Open Letter to the World

Thank you to all of those out there who commented yesterday, things really haven't gotten any better, but it helps to know that there are people out there who really care. I really can't describe what's wrong. I mean I can just say I don't feel right but that is a broad term.

Right now I'm tired, I'm at that point where my mind has slowed down to a crawl and things are winding down. Tonight I might just sleep on the floor because the bed is so cluittered with stuff, it's almost like the perfect example of my mind. Even as I type this stuff my mind is sloshing through gallon after gallon of loose thought and I don't know what any of it means.

I've talked to a lot of people today, first Megan, then Twinks and then Kay. All of them had different suggestions on what to do and they are all great ideas. I'll give them all a try. I really think the free-write idea that Kay had is a good one because I haven't done that since like seventh grade. And while I think that I can't write while I'm depressed I don't know it to be true about me anymore. I mean the last time I tried was so long ago. I might be able to pull it off now.

If you all didn't see, I wrote responses to all of you individually in the comment section of the last post. At the time all it was all I could do to help me sort out what everyone had said. I'm glad to have you all around, because I really couldn't have asked for a better group of people to go to for this kind of things unless I had a team of paid psychitrists. There were so many comments from other saying I was there too at one time. That means so much to me, not because misery loves company but because I know it doesn't have to be like this the rest of my life.

Things do get better, as Jamie said. Things tend to just go in cycles like this. Right now I am on the down side of things and sooner or later I'll have to come back up. More than anything right now I would just like to be alone right now with no obligations, no phone. Just food and some CD's maybe a small television to watch before I go to sleep. That way I could just write and draw. I could just be free for a while with nothing for me to think about.

Of course there will always be certain things never far from my heart or mind. But a quiet weekend like that could reall do the trick. I could just exist and do something that I really enjoyed. This is not to say I don't enjoy talking to some people, but there are others I could go a few days without.

But there is really no time, soon the school will be filled with people and classes will take place. Things are going to get hectic and I am going to have to be here for it. Old friends will be back, and some will have moved on, but I won't be the same. I won't be like I was last year. I'm a little older and a lot wiser about things. I'll keep a clear head, I'll work on picking myself back up and I'll always remember to breathe.

I'm So Fucked Up

Lately I've begun to question some things about myself and just call up some old issues I have with me in general. I wonder if there's some kind of circumstance involved or if its just me that's not trying there. I can tell that I'm not who I want to be, I'm not even doing what I want to do, and I have no way to help it.

I came to San Antonio this summer to get a job, go to school and just be out of the house, I only appeared to have done one of those things right. And that was the last one, which technically only involved existing.

Why do I feel like I need to hide things from the people around me, I find myself not being able to tell them things I usually would. Even the people I tell everything, I am finding it harder and harder to talk to. I know depressions not easy to get rid of, and I know it can last a long, long ass time, but do I have to tell everyone around me what's going on. More importantly do I have to tell my parents?

I don't want to because I know what at least one of them will say. I know that my dad will just say I'm full of shit and write me off as lying. It's what he does when I say anything he's unwilling to accept or when he just thinks whatever I am saying is too convenient to be true. Yeah, and I know how convenient feeling like you'd rather not exist is.

People always say when you lie that it makes people not believe you, What about when people have been calling you liar all of your life? It makes you just want to lie, it makes you just want to prove them all right because what does it matter, you're nothing but a liar to them anyway.

It seems that for all of the truth I tell it never is enough to keep me from being called liar, and for all of the trust I place in others, I never seem to be able to get any in return. I bottle all of this up, I just hold onto it and it pisses me off to the point that I want to fucking scream at someone. I'm tired of being Mister—Fucking—Nice—Guy because they don't give a rat's ass. All it gets is that shit thrown back in your face.

I sat on the phone tonight and I couldn't even talk about how I really felt, because I figured it wasn't important, and it really isn't because it makes no real difference to anyone but me. I'm pissed off because my dad calls me, not to see how I am and talk, but only to bitch. He never just calls and says how are you. And before one damn person mentions how I probably never call to do the same, when I did I still got the same shit that was just him complaining.

I hate this city more and more with each passing day, its unsophisticated, its just ass-backwards. I used to think it was cool and cultured, not its just like being in Mexico Junior, there's nothing original about this place. It's just here.

I hate how I am so frightened to hurt someone, I hate how it makes me seem weak, and I especially hate how the second statement of this paragraph is true. This week has been hard, its been terrible in that way. The only thing good I can say about it is something I never saw coming: quality time with my step-mom and hanging out with CJ some.

Besides that I feel like more and more of the things around me are falling apart. When I can't tell Kay what the matter is I know I'm fucked up. What's worse is I felt like I wanted to cry, don't know why, but instead of telling her I needed to go because I wasn't feeling good, or that I wanted to talk about it, I just pretended I was okay.

I don't deserve to hurt like this, no one deserves it. It's like there's a deep pain in my chest. Like something missing and I'm almost reminded of what I said in Faulty Souls. It seems more and more like we're manufactured with a defect. I think it would be better not existing at all rather than trying to figure out what's wrong with me and being so lonely in the mean time.

I need sleep now, I'm not even fully able to function here.

Apology Letter

Dear Self,

Sorry I made those bad decisions / choices / counterfeits. I know now that even though I was always sure I had good intentions / motives / accomplices, I needed to spend some more time thinking about how my actions would appear to family / to friends / on the security camera.

Some might find this hard to believe, but you know all I ever really wanted was to be loved / rich / acquitted. I guess I just keep hoping that one day the entire world will understand me / English.

I promise that from now on, I won’t worry all the time about losing weight / friends / the police, and I’ll try to be the best person I can be, although I can’t promise that I won’t make an occasional mistake / enemy / prison break.

I’m also going to go easier on the people around me, because I understand now that deep down they really truly love me / care about me / will file charges.
I know that you forgive me.

(signature)

Relationship Placement

I would like to start by saying, I'm not as smart as everyone thinks I am. I really don't see it so I don't try and play it up or anything. Yesterday a lot of stuff went on. CJ and I hung out most of the day, watched some bad movies we could make fun of. Later on he even taught me how to use Photoshop correctly.

We both discusssed the fact that Photoshop isn't for drawings, which never seems to people keep from bitching about how it made their drawing look too much like a picture. I want to just tell them That's because it's NOT FOR DRAWINGS IDIOT. But I plan to use it to clean up my drawings because I just learned how.

Summer school is officially over now, and soon after the season who's name it bares shall follow. I miss a lot of things about earlier in summer. But I don't miss being alone. I have a roommate now...sort of unofficially.

Now if I could just find a job and patch up some of these relationships with the people I know I would be fine. I worry over somethings still, I guess I'm just insecure about things. And while I can't state them outloud all of the people they pretain to. Where I stand with one friend. Why one friend thinks we should stand on better terms than we really do. And What to do about another friend.

Right now I can't think on this to figure it out, I have some writing to do and maybe a little drawing too. So until the next thing needs to be said, I'll be elsewhere.

Almost Time

People are back and things are starting to pick up around here. And I still just want to talk that one special someone.

Shopping

I went clothes shopping today, I guess that was a good thing. I got a lot of things that button up, I'll try and take pictures shortly.

Flooded

Real quick before I finish up some last minute work and hop into bed, I need to go through some of the stuff that happened tonight. I went to dinner with my mom, she's still in town and while I would have much rather hung out with Ashley, I just couldn't. I don't know why really.

Then when I got home my dad called me to ask if I had any money left. I don't, see last night I was on Amazon.com and I accidently purchased an item. I know that sucks and I have to wait till it gets here to return it. By the time it does I might have more money. So'll probably end up keeping the damn thing.

When I told him that he asked me what my plans were for now until school. You know this might sound stupid, but why should I have plans? I have roughly ten days until I have to sit in classes five days a week, and I haven't even really had a summer except for that little week or two before I moved back here.

Maybe I want to spend my ten days sitting on my ass or something, or maybe I want to look for a job, you know its hard to do that when you have to study and stuff. Maybe I just want to relax for a while, I've had a lot thrown on my in the last few days and I'm tried of everyone wanting me to make a new move instead of just letting me be for a while.

I should call him back and tell him I'll do with this ten days whatever I damn well please, but I already said that in a way. He wnats me to come back home to Houston and sit around there, I hate it there more than I hate it here. I don't want to go back to Houston and sit on my ass there, by this time next week all of my friends will be back here except a few and those few have jobs and other things to do.

I don't hear from any of my friends back there except for PJ and Justin [the other one]. Everyone else whines about how they miss me and never call. So that's not a selling point to get me back home. I don't need to be at home just sitting there where there's nothing for me to do. I can't find a job there because I need to come back here. And if I stay there for that ten days then I don't have time to find a job while I'm here and probably won't be able to since everyone will have moved back.

Then he said I could come up to Killeen and work with him, I hate being there too, I hate being completely alone, I've gotten rid of that feeling here, does he think I want to go back to it? I Just need to get some rest. I have so much on my mind; my dog died, this class is coming down to being too much for me to handle, a friend that might be sick, I've got literally nine dollars left in my account and just too much to worry about. So I guess all I can say is that i justh ave to make it through tomorrow and maybe I'll be fine. Wish me luck.

Relax

Too much to think about, I guess I'll just sit here and give myself some time to do it.

Happy Birthday

Now's as good a time as any to mention this, since I missed the day it actually happened. But as of now this blog has been in service for a year. Well not really. There's actually a number of back dated posts that were from my old live journal account. But I saw blogger as being better and moved them here to the appropriate dates.

As this blog is now a year old, post wise that is, I feel like I really do have the ability to stick to something. I stuck to this and didn't really stop writing in it for too long a period of time anywhere.

Hmm, last night was a little interesting. I sat at the coffee shop in the rain talking to this really cute little nerdy girl, two guys who were drawing their own comic and some of the regulars I talk to almost on a nightly basis.

There was something about that rain last night, it was so refreshing and a little calming too. I mean it really just drizzled kind of and the water can come through the top outside, because its just meant to stop sunlight, not rain.

I'm kind of starting to realize that in just a few more weeks this summer will be over as far as I'm concerned, not that I had much of a summer in the first place. I didn't even see a damn beach. But as I talked about with Mikey last night, he's one of the dudes from the coffee shop, I can't wait for winter.

Well really, I can't wait for fall, but there's a different reason involved entirely. But I have a distinct love for winter. I can ride down the street with my windows rolled down listening to the Ataris, its my winter CD. I feel more at home in the winter and things just seem to go better for me. This heat is killing me, its just getting too humid around here! Plus I can save more gas in the winter, because I don't have to have the freaking air on all of the time!

I better get to class, I have a review today that I can't miss!

"Takeoffs And Landings"

On this coldest of January nights

We drive out past the runway and watch the planes go flying by

The runway lights are the deepest blue like the colors of your eyes

So close them tight and kiss me one last time

If you could go anywhere right now

Where would you go?

And would you miss me when you get there?

There's no place that I would rather be

Please don't let me go falling from the sky

The "fasten seatbelt" sign just needs to go out

If only you could be right here by my side

Home wouldn't seem so far from here

Passport, customs, carry on, remember

To shut off all of your electronic devices

Fell asleep on Tuesday woke up Monday afternoon

I slept right through your International Date Line

If you could go anywhere right now

Where would you go?

And would you miss me when you get there?

There's no place that I would rather be

Please don't let me go falling from the sky

The "fasten seatbelt" sign just needs to go out

If only you could be right here by my side

Home wouldn't seem so far from here

Please don't let me go falling from the sky

The "fasten seatbelt" sign just needs to go out

If only you could be right here by my side

Home wouldn't seem so far from here

Synthetic Day

I went to class today so tired that I couldn't make it through, I had to leave halfway in. It really sucked and its all because I couldn't sleep the other night. I just had too much to think about. I guess that I can at least assure myself that I will be in bed early tonight. I'm already sleepy as all Hell.

There's not really much to say about today, I had to leave class around 12:50, I was just running on too little of sleep this time. I came home and passed out immediately, I woke up at 5:00 the first time, but I quickly started back on my nap again and slept until about 7:00.

By that time I was so hungry. I got up and went out to get some food, the line was so long at the place I wanted. So I went over and walked around the Barnes & Noble and I stopped by the Starbucks there. Right when I walked in the door a woman stopped me to comment on my shirt.

The shirt I was wearing was a Family Guy shirt. It had the evil monkey thing on it. And the woman just kept telling me about how much she loved it. I really couldn't move, I just kind of stood there and agreed with what she said. I think that in my mind I couldn't function socially yet because I was too sleepy.

Well her husband or boyfriend was a few feet away on a cell phone and when he turned back she started telling him about the shirt, he looked at me, introduced himself and asked if I was interested in a job. I was a little shocked and thought I had dreamed it, I mean I've been having some pretty strange dreams lately. One of which I had while I was sleeping today.

But anyway, I told him I would love a job and he gave me his card, now keep in mind this is just the short version of this story, there was a few more exchanges and the like, but you know.

As for the dreams I had, they were very strange. I remember in one of them I was having this conversation with someone over the phone. And I just woke up in the middle of the dream and said something out loud as if I were answering them. A lot of my dreams have been ending up that way lately, I mean what the hell does that mean?

Well, I'm about to have to go, its raining here and the like. I promise I'll try to write something a little more interesting next time, but today just felt strange to me, it felt so synthetic or something.

Trust

Let me just say this without going into much detail. It's nice to be trusted, not many people act like I can do anything right. But its always nice to know there's someone out there who believes in you.

Let me also go on the record as saying, it's nice to have someone be thankful even though you did essentially nothing for them.

Since I Was Gone...

Sorry I have been away for so long, not much has happened. I justh ad to go home to get a few things from my house for me to bring up here. It's getting close to move in day for the rest of the people at the school. I'm excited and then I'm not.

Right now all I have is privacy, time to myself. I can sit in my room and tlak on the phone as loud as I want. I can pretty much make huge fucking messes and no one will be able to say a word to me about it. But soon, very soon I will have people in and out of here. I just know it.

And yet I don't know if I should mind, because I have learned, from being here. That living on your own isn't so bad. Not to say that I'm some kind of loner, but I could stand to live this way for a prolonged amount of time. At least that is if I had someone around I could go hnag out with.

As you can tell from the last post I have been feeling very Nostalgic, I had to go through so many pictures and crap from prom and the like. Now I miss some people from my high school, mostly just Kinsey, Marie, Alaina, Amanda and Mitchell. They were pretty much the people who never rubbed me the wrong way.

Well I'm going to wrap this up, sorry I can't be more long winded, but I need to sleep. Class tomorrow and all. Plus I'm on call tonight! Not like a doctor anything, its even better. I'm on call from a very special someone. See you guys around.

Journey to Nostalgia

I feel like I'm in high school again, I've been listening to all of this Dashboard Confessional, I was browsing through old pictures and I found some of me and Kinsey which were great and just some other high school memories. Damn I feel so old now.

I look back at those days and I think Wow, this is my life. These are the things I did and the people I knew. Funny, it seems so far away now. Yesterday feels like it never happened and I know it did.

I miss the later winter nights in the movie theater down in Alvin, or outside of the Sub-way watching the cars pass by while John smoked a cigarette. Funny I don't miss high school, but I miss the group of friends I had back then. I see the people in these pictures, they look so happy. None of us are that happy now.

And I remember junior high? It's pretty much capitalized by the face you thought damn, am I bad ass? But you weren't, I didn't take many pictures back in junior high, but here is my best. The starting of friendships that are the roots of the friends I have today. There's not much to say here, I mean what can be said about friends? But I have to say this, back then we believed that nothing, not time, distance, or people; would ever separate us. We believed that to be the one and only truth. I wonder sometimes, if we all were to run into each other randomly by some chance happening only God-himself could arrange, what would happen. Maybe the bonds of true friendship never break?

Two hundred and ninety...It feels good.

Hey! Ask Me If I Give A Damn

I guess this is as good a time as any to write in this again. I really haven't done anything with my blog substantial in days. I guess there's school work, and all of this drawing and me just thinking about some stuff that's never really far from my mind. I have a lot to consider now.

I find myself asking questions more often, but they are important ones; Do I really want this? Who is this for? Should I stick with this? Should I even be trying this? It's pretty hard for me to consider what I want to do now. Now that I'm doing it more often I realize, I never really did it before. Even when it was something that ended up benefiting me, I had only done it because I thought it was what someone else wanted.

I thought that thinking What do I want? would make me selfish. And sure there were some people who told me I needed to think about myself more, but then again some of those people are the same ones who did really bad things to me just because. So why would I have listened to them, why would I listen to them even now.

Now it's not like I go around only thinking about only myself. As a matter of a fact, I still think about others alot, but only when they're people that would do the same for me. I've just gotten tired of throwing myself out there to help someone out, when at the first chance they get that they can help me they can't, not because they don't have time, but just because they don't care.

As an addendum to this new found rule about who I will take the time to help out, I'm not going to try and help anyone who obviously doesn't want to help themselves or care about themselves. I don't see a point in trying to make someone think that they worth something when they won't even listen or let you try. Or when they won't tell you the whole truth.

If you ask me something I don't want to answer, I'm not going to lie. I'll either say That's not any of your damn business or I'll just tell you what's up. It's true I don't like to tell everyone all of my business. Very few people know what I really think and what's really going on, even fewer know it because I told them. Most people that found out, did so over time after knowing me from Elementary School till now.

Well I guess that's all I can say about this little subject. People will wonder why I don't jump at the chance to help them anymore. It's probably because I've given up on giving a damn when I know you wouldn't lift a finger to help me out. You never did all of the other times.

And for those who wonder what I have been doing online so much, but not talking as often, I have a Deviant Art Account now! Yeah I know. The is in the title of this entry. A lot of my art is there, and if you happen to have one too, drop me a line.

Is there anything worth looking for? Worth loving for? Worth lying for? Is there anything worth waiting for? Worth living for? Worth dying for?

Might Have A Chance In Class Now

Yes, now that I have a book I'm getting somewhere! I'm off to do work.

Wow, I'm Up Early.

It's just odd to think that, I am up this early in the morning. I know I said I was going to do it. But I can't even believe it now that I have. Someone give me a pat on the back!

I'm up and its all thanks to:

A Full Weekend

It sure has been an interesting weekend. Firday I got up early, like around 2:50 PM for my meeting with Ashley that was supposed to take palce ten minutes later. I got there in the middle of her break, we sat and talked. She was eating, I just had something to drink. She didn't even charge me for it.

We had a nice little discussion about her moving back to Colorado, and whether or not she would move to Houston after that. I just see her moving to Houston as a bad thing. Don't know why, I guess its because I don't like that city.

But moving on, I went to Starbucks that night. I can't remember if Nicole was there too, but I do remember that because of the fact it was a weekend. I guess the only 24 hour Starbucks in about a 70 mile radius could attract some attention. I hung out there for a while and talked to some people, the same ones I've mentioned before.

Saturday was even more busy. Nothing really happened until we were supposed to go back to the coffee shop and it was too crowded, so we went and sat at Chili's for a while. We also stopped in at Border's bookstore and I picked this up:

Don't worry everyone, its just a joke. I'm sure this book will just sit on the shelf here and collect lots of pretty dust! Well I better be off!