Thursday, February 24, 2011

Just Two More Days

My work week ends after just two more days. I’m so excited I’m noting it down here.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Bad Luck

If I ever had luck, it wasn’t the good kind. I guess it depends on if you believe in that sort of thing. If you think that there’s any merit to how many good and bad things happen to a person on a cosmic scale of some kind. I don’t.

But if I did I would believe I’m ill fated.

The other day, after driving my car for weeks without incident. I was driving out to get some food and I suddenly get a dinging and my dash board is all lit up. Apparently the car was over heating—something its done before and was fixed for recently. Now an entirely new coolant system is acting up and water’s not being pulled from the reservoir into the car.

I looked into it online and it appears that my car has an issue with coolant system troubles.

Right now I can’t afford to fix it, I mean it could be well over 700 dollars so it would take most of my next two checks to do something about it. And I’m hoping its just a hose or thermostat or something simple, but like I said—if I had any luck it would be the bad kind.

So I’m going to give putting water in the car one more try and if that fails I guess I need to explore the thermostat option.

There’s so much else going on, a lot I don’t really want to talk about with anyone and its all internal, I wouldn’t vocalize it. But I hate myself for having these problems and not being able to work them out to any kind of satisfaction.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Regret

When there’s more turmoil around me I seem to use this place that much more. I just wanted to say that first.

Normally I would have responded to the comments from the last entry in the comment tree itself, but I figured why not just do it here.

The thing is, that I’ve been talked into trusting people again before and giving them another chance and just generally letting all of that back in and every time it ends up the same way. If insanity is doing the same thing over and expecting a new result then why am I doing just that when it comes to trust. I don’t understand the benefit of it, when things are okay, sure it feels fine.

But when it goes bad its not worth it and all you can do is regret what you let happen.

Trust

I’ve started a new job, which I guess is the big news for me this week but there’s not much to say about it. I hate having to wake up at four AM just to make it there on time but what can I do about it right now?

But writing about work seems to be a waste of my time, no one would be all that interested in it.

The thing that’s been on my mind for some time now is that how I think I’ve been losing the ability to trust people anymore. Be it either because they refuse to trust me no matter how much I show them its okay—its not reactionary, not like I’m trying to get them back—but when someone doesn’t trust you it can be guessed that they might not stick by you when things get rough.

Or it could be that of all the people I have put trust in, the thing that seems to most consistently come from it is harm. I don’t think in any friendship, relationship or anything I’ve ever come out as the person who didn’t get hurt. Its not that I want someone’s feelings to get hurt, but its kind of telling that its always me.

I guess I have no one to blame but myself, if I’m choosing the people I trust I seem to make bad choices or I could just choose to believe that this is just what people do and I’m being naïve and these constant mistakes and the times I get hurt are a lesson…I should be learning to listen and not make the same mistake. Which seems to be trusting others.

Still I’m trying to hang onto it for some people, but I just don’t see that happening at this point.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Tradition

Not much to say, I am just pretty sure I’ve said things before on this day. I’m about to hit the hay and wanted to say first day on the job complete.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Done

People keep thinking that when I say I’m done, I’m kidding or that I need to just wait it out. I’m seriously just tired of trying in this.

Tuesday, February 08, 2011

A Path of Your Own Choosing

To Whom It Probably Won’t Concern At All:

I’m sure that if you were to read this, which I know you never will, that you wouldn’t even guess it was about you. You seem to guess yourself to be so hated despite the fact everyone seems to like you and you thought yourself loyal though I know people who could easily give testimony to the contrary.

My problem with you lies not just with you refusal to admit that the atrophy of our friendship is your fault. When I asked those times is anything wrong and you claimed it was fine and when I noticed you acting different but things were still fine, I guess you thought me too stupid or unworthy to hear the truth?

I held you in high regard once, not the highest but I trusted you among friends and the more I see now I think that person I thought was once wise beyond their years is concerned more with vanity, Fairytale-esque delusions of love, and popularity.

Don’t worry. My plan’s not to blab to our old friends or call you out right here to make you look bad. I don’t know if you ever extended the same courtesy to me when I was around, though it doesn’t matter. We don’t run in the same circles anymore and judging by the caliber of company you keep now, your bad choices and excuses won’t ever be called into question.

What I give you is, well, its not mine to give. But I feel I can explain it, you see all of the things you wish and hope for will be pretty empty once you get them with the path you’re following. Any job you get that you think you won’t will be hated, any husband you meet will more than likely be chosen on merits that don’t matter in the wrong run and you’re going to look back and probably not think of me or the other people who you pushed out of the way and just wonder why you feel so sad and alone.

I don’t take pride in thinking this or expecting it, but I don’t think I could say you don’t deserve it. It’s a path of your own choosing, after all.

Tuesday, February 01, 2011

Freeze Over

It might actually snow here for the second time this year and the third year in a row. I really hope this is the new Ice Age. I’m sick of Texas being so damn hot.