I Am Jack's Last One of '05

Well here I am, no I'm not dead and aliens didn't capture me, I went back to Houston for a few days and anyone that knows anything about my internet in Houston should know that there is no way in hell that I can easily upload a blog entry from there, I've actually thought about doing it from my new cellphone at times, I got a new one. Not for Christmas but because the old one was broken.

So I guess people are wondering how my holiday went...do the words I'm ready for it to be over give any hints, if so please tell me. I am tried of this time of year. Everyone is cheery right? Well everyone except for most of the people in my imediate vacinity. Heather, you don't count, you're always cheery.

I don't really have much to say, but in a few short hours it shall be the new year, thanks for all sticking around, this is the last hurrah of 2005...may there be many more!

I Am Jacks's Wind

The winds of change are blowing, why? I don't know. Maybe its because I have something here that I didn't see before. Maybe its because I am finally starting to see things they way I should have all along. But there is something I promised I would do for someone. I wanted to go back to the begining of a story. And this, this is my story,this is why I'm a cynic, sometimes rude, sometimes compassionate and always looking to find something behind what's going on, looking for what there is to learn from the situation.

When I say a story, most people will think that a story has to have an ending. I don't think that this one does. I think that this one is on going and I am at the point where I can look back, this is the halfway point.

This story starts when I was younger, and this story may seem like its all about girls, but there's more to it if you look just beneath the surface. In junior high I got my first crush, well I thought she was cute before that, but it was then that I really wanted to do something. Her name was Amie, and as a matter of a fact, I owe her a dance to this very day. Back then I thought that being a man meant liking big breasts, getting old enough to drink and cut a fool and just being macho.

This was in sixth grade. I thought money was the most important thing, and that you could do whatever you wanted to women and if they got mad, fuck em, and if they got pregnant then abort it. My how I have changed huh? I wanted to be one of the guys and they never let me, I wanted to have the hottest girlfriend with the biggest breast and I didn't look at personality at all.

Seventh grade came, and I had English class right next to Amie. I had been more than rejected by most of the cool guys who did the things I wanted to do like make out with girls and other stuff that I only whispered to my friends in the bus seat on the way home.

And sitting there, Amie accepted me, and not only that, she was nice to me. And she had a personality that was winning and sweet and I just couldn't believe it. I had spent that first year of school thinking of her like a lifeless doll to do what you wanted with, I had thought of her as most men on myspace think of the girls they add for looks. I had seen this shell of a person, I didn't look at the soul within.

Well that was the first thing that happened that made me hate how I had been, and I hated other men for being that way. It was odd, my friends like PJ and John weren't like that. They were sensible and I fit in with them, but in my mind I was evil, pure bad and terrible, there is no other way to describe it.

And when I changed I started to act different, I wanted to be better and to develop a personality that made me a better person. Amie and I kind of got to be friends and well when the next year rolled around I got a crush on another girl, Keena. I wanted to do any and everything for her and I cried over her even, it was the first time I cried over anyone besides myself. And I remember I told her I loved her as a friend too, it was the first time I had told anyone that, even in a friendly way. And even though I'll tell John and PJ that I love them like brothers now back in Junior High to say such things was considered gay and shunned. No one wanted to be called gay, that was the worst back then.

When I was forced to leave my friends and go to private school I had to say bye to Keena and my other friends and we all grew a part for a while. Some of them ended up engulfed in drugs, others took to new friends, relationships, and just their own thing.

Its hard to say this, but I miss those days in the last year of Junior High, life was so simple. No one ever wanted sex from girls, at most they'd just go down on them and vice versa, that was the extreme. Getting a kiss was satisfying for everyone! it was enough to hold hands, and she was your girl and you were hers. I wanted that so bad. I just wanted another person to confide in and to be around. Someone who wanted to be with me and only me and I saw it all around me. It hurt on the inside, it really did.

High school, I don't have much to say about it, the guys got worse and they did things like run sexual experiments on girls. I couldn't wait until more of them felt like me, until more guys respected and were nice to women, at least to their faces.

Last year, Freshmen year here I got royaly messed over, I got into something with a girl that never went anywhere and proved to be a waste of time. I caused myself more pain than I needed and I went after someone who was not what they appeared to be. A wolf in sheep's clothing they call it. It was my fault for not seeing the warning signs and blaming others, or just for not watching my step. We all say Never again will I fall for it. We all do it again.

Something was said to me today, College breeds oppurtunities for relationships. This year has shown how many great and wonderful people you can just run into around here. Brandon, Landis, Kay, Nikki, Emily, Sarah, Heather, Eva, Tim, Neemo, Katherine, Greg, Tomei, and God there's just so many from this year! I hope I didn't forget anyone!

Life is just so much better now, I don't know what happened, I don't know what changed, but I just need to go home tomorrow, or later today, for those of you not privvy to the rule set up by PJ and I*, and tell my parents everything, tell them my plan, how I will make it and how I am ready and how I have something to stand on now. How people have taught me, I have my own two feet, Kay taught me that. I have me and that's enough and other people, I have them behind me, someone is backing me. And I'm going to do this, all of this. I know I told this story fast, its longer, there's more to it and if you ask me, maybe we can go to Starbucks and I can tell it to you someday. We can sit and talk about it and you can tell me yours too. I wrote this down so there's a record of it, I wrote this so whoever sees it can see. I wrote it so they can see how far I've come, and how far I have to go. I wrote it because I wanted Heather and the others to see, she asked for it, it's long I know. And I wrote it because a potential new friend (you know who you are) asked me to tell them and we didn't have time.

This is to show you, Don't try to live so wise, don't cry 'cause you're so right, don't dry with fakes or fears, 'cause you will hate yourself in the end...

*_{For those who don't know, the rule set fourth by PJ and I is that "If one stays up past midnight, it is not deemed the next day until one: a) falls asleep and wakes up or b)it is noon.}

I Am Jack's Funk

Sometimes a day just makes you think that you have a chance to make it, today was one of those days. I don't know what it is about how everything is going today. I am honestly going to try, I am really going to do this thing. No matter what it takes I'm just going to have to make it.

I don't know if I mentioned this yesterday, but I am writing this from the fourth Incarnation of this computer. That's right, The Queen Is Dead! My computer had to be reformated yesterday and at 6:08 PM this incarnation was born. I have some work to do with it still, two hard drives to add, files to spread out and that kind of thing, but I lost no data and things so far are good. I do need to go get an AOL disk and the like, but that's all.

Having a clean computer, a clean dorm and just trying to pick myself up, the writing again and such is really helping lift me out of this little funk, and to know I have people there pulling for me helps a lot. Although there are some things nagging at the back of my mind. Like for one, why did my parents ask for Allison's number? What do they need it for? But its not a big deal, they don't know anything that would cause me any trouble, and neither does she really.

Well I have to go, just bored of this and I have little things to fill out, see you all.

I Am Jack's Attention

It's been an eventful day and I really haven't left the dorm except for once. I don't know how to say all of it in this short little passage, but one thing I can tell you, this program restarted with out the ability to use word-wrap and this parargraph is gone fucking nuts.

Now that I fixed it, let me start by saying that my old roommate, Brandon is moving back home and I am going to be sad to see him go. I'm going to miss you bro. Now, I have been told that if I don't get a job very shortly I will have to move back home too, I am determined to get a job and keep myself here, I really don't want to go back home and I actually do think that. No one seems to listen to me on that, or anyhting else. I mean right now I take my meds, I try to wake up at a resonable time and I am trying my hardest to be in better shape. But for all of the things that I am doing my parents seem to want to make things that I have been doing for years seem like they are so detrimental to me going back to school.

What they don't seem to or want to understand is that if a person is saf then they're not going to want to do anything, whether they're being watched or not. Whenever I try to even talk to my dad about anything all he can repeat is Did you hear what I said? or Because I told you to. That's not an answer, that's shit you say when you don't have one, and I told him that on the phone one day.

So tomorrow I am going to try and go out and try and find something quick to get them off my back. But there are still other problems. I can't seem to get much alone time these days. And I know what everyone is going to say, You're depressed and you want to be alone? That's stupid! No its not, see I am a writer and part of the nature of the beast is the need to be alone and with your own thoughts. Like right now I am here writing this in a room with just my fan television and bed. No one is going to yell from the other room Dude, come check this out. And if there's a knock at my door I can ignore it.

During the semester there is always something going on, always a phone call or just anything to get you to leave that room so people will be pleased with you. I don't know if its the depression speaking, but I really don't like having everyone pleased with me. There are some real assholes out there and I know at times I do things that others do not agree with, I drink like twice a year and that pisses people off, but you know what, I have never been drunk, never had my drinking causes me to miss school or end up acting like an ass, so get off my back. It's not like I'm chugging a bottle of goldshlogger and driving a big rig with hookers going down on me...I drink like one smirnoff twice a year!

There's too many people to tell you what to do when it doesn't matter and not enough to give you advice when it does.

In my case people give advice and half of the time I look right at their even more fucked up lives and wonder how they can scoff at me. I mean the advice may still be good, but don't be a dick when you give it. I don't need your little attitude to go along with it. I really think that most of the time the only people I talk to that give good advice are Kay, Heather, Nikki and PJ, and I rarely even explore that last route.

Today I talked to an internet friend who will remain nameless about her bout with depression, let's just call her Sandra. Sandra told me that she did things to get attention and hoped that someone would notice, but no one really did. She said that if anyone had noticed it would have been like they cared enough to know her well. And now that I think about it I could just be wanting a relationship because I want someone to care enough about me to know when something is really going on with me, not just someone looking at me going Oh yeah, that's classic depression. Maybe that's what depression is about, attention, even if that sounds kind of vain I think we all need it sometimes.

I Am Jack's Lost Train of Thought

Right now there is a lot to say and not very much I can because I can't really get it into words. I need time to think.

I Am Jack's Boiling Words of Rage

I'm glad its winter break and I can be alone at last, I really don't want to deal with people right now because I'm just starting to get angry. I am getting tired of being over looked and treated as if I don't matter and I am just tired of getting blamed for stuff and getting told that I am not trying.

I'm also tired of being ignored and over looked by people just so they can be around other people that they don't know as well and that don't even treat them right. Everytime I think I have a new friend its the same thing over again, just like what happened with Allison, she just walks away and decides that she doesn't need me just because she met some guy that's probably just going to do things that most guys do when I've been there and talked to her and tried to help and I don't even get any time with her.

I'm fucking sick of people, I'm sick of all them, no one ever really wants you around that long, most of them never really care and the people around you just get tired of you, they get in their little moods and they start to hate you or just ignore you. I really do feel like shit and I hate just having to wake up and know that I am going to have to put up with people that day, that in one way or another, my parents are just going to call and treat me like a fucking disappointing piece of equipment instead of a person.

There's a reason why I don't feel like I have strenght anymore, because I don't. I have to go through so much, and it stacks, all of the arguments with people and the little comments mumble stack and the way people feel really does get to me. And no one cares anymore what I think, peole treat my place like a Rec Center, people call me at all hours of the night and day, and people always ask if I'm okay.

Don't fucking ask me that, if you didn't care enough to call and ask that six or seven months back, don't do it now. Don't pretend you care because its on some piece of paper in a hosptial somewhere that I'm not okay. Don't act like you've stuck it out with me or been there for me to talk to. I don't want people's help or pity half the time. I don't even want half of these people around anymore, most of them just make me upset, or make me see what I don't have or do something else that's just making things more fucked up for me.

I'm just not strong enough to deal with others anymore, and I don't deserve to get anything.

How do I put this? How do I say that things don't get better, this isn't depression or anything like that, this is life. I mean I can't seem to just come by the most simple things out there, I'm ninteen, yet I have never had a girlfriend. I've dreamed of having on and I have worked at it, I've waited...I've done it all and nothing. I try to get my parents to approve of something I do, to think that something I do is good, but I just get scoffing and little side comments. When I first graduated my dad told me that I wasn't going to make it through college, that's all he told me. No one is ever proud of a damn thing I do. It's hurts me to know all of these things, it cuts deep into me to have to realize that things in life are fucking wrong, a lot of them.

There's nothing I can say that will make this clearer, I think everyone has dealt with some form of it. And its bullshit, all of this is. That's what life is..

If anyone's can say they're not depressed in this world, they're not looking hard enough at the things going on in it.—Fall Out Boy

I am Jack's "Can't Hardly Wait"

I feel like I can't do this on my own, I feel like I need strong supportive friends who I can look out for and who can look out for me, and I feel that i have truly found someone like that in Heather. She's a really sweet person who, when I first met her, I wasn't even sure that she would ever be around again. Now she's telling me everything will be okay and that she will help me find someone I can at least date.

In the back of my head, I am remembering in the past when I started to trust someone and I stopped seeing all of the wrongs that they were doing. Now I am examining things much closer and trying my best to make sure that I am not walking into this thing without looking at all of my options.

I guess what makes this different than the others is that I'm not trying to date Heather or see her in a romantic way, so that breaks up some of the attachment, if she was up to something shady and wrong I would have noticed it by now, that's why I can trust her I think.

I know that things might be moving fast with this friendship but I really believe that you have to look forward and wait for some things to come to you at times. Tonight Heather and I are going to IHOP, tonight things are going to be all about just hanging out and having fun while talking and solving some things. I can't wait.

I Am Jack's Thoughts

Thearpy today, it was long and boring, I am tired and have not had the sleep that I have so desired to get and I feel like I just need to draw to get this picture that I have in my head out of my system. I'm so tired to the point that I am starting to get sore. My stomach hurts and the only reason I am here writing this is because I was waiting on someone to get back so that I could go to get some food with them.

I've been wondering, is it hard for some people to just accept that someone else may feel different than them? I mean when I have an opinion do I always have to come to an agreement with someone else. And moreso just because something is the norm or even a law, does that mean I need to agree with it just to follow it.

What if I don't give a damn about the grass and would rather walk on it, but just because that sign says not to, I don't? Does that mean that I should be shot for feeling differently, I thought this country was built on free speech, what about free thought? You are free to say as you will so long as you feel as we do?

Where is the fairness in that? I'm starting to feel more and more like I need alone time, and yet here I am at this place where its so hard just to get that.

Well I am going to head out, I am sleepy and its hard to write.

I Am Jack's State of Being

Tonight I just needed a shoulder to lie on, and I had that for a while, I needed to laugh some too, and I got that. But some things about all of this just don't add up. Why do my parents need me to call everyday, why must the baby me and treat me as if I'm seven years younger than I am?

I got really mad yesterday at a friend, and at the table in the cafe, I got mad again because people around here just don't seem to understand opinions. People here are hell bent on proving that their way is the only way, and although I am very quick to say I won't do something, I don't care whether or not someone else will most of the time.

I have been running on four hours of sleep right now, but all I can think about is how bad things seem to keep on doing. I want to just move on, I want to be normal and have a normal life. There's this girl I like right now, she's single, I don't know her very well and I just get a vibe from her that seems really good. I don't even second guess what she's thinking. Only thing is she really says that she doesn't do relationships. And I know this is kind of soon after the whole other thing, not to mention I am torn up over the stuff that just took place.

I'm really scared to form any kind of a bond with anyone right now, including this girl, and that really can't be good. I'm not sure where to take this. And I'm not sure I should take this anywhere. All I can really do is just wait on things to change. As for the depression, I don't see any end to it any time soon.

I Am Jack's Need

Right now I feel so alone, and I'm tired of being the one who seems to be left out, I really don't know if there's any other way to put it. I'm really hurt and I'm just here alone and I don't know how to deal with this. I need somebody.

I Am Jack's Sympathy for the Martyr

Some things are looking up, I am starting to wake up more on time and just to be more alert like I used to. A friend of mine who I just made a little while back might have found me a place to work. I really should feel happier, and I do. But a lot of things still bother me. Recently, I have been taking a closer look at the things I do, my parents always want to blame my depression for everything that I do.

I really want to know exactly what qualitfies as being depressed and what it could cause me to do. I really do think that a lot of things that they do and say are just plain wrong, but what do you do against something like that. Most parents will want to tell their kids to be happy and they will want their kids to do right when they had done wrong and to know the difference. Not to think everything they had done was wrong.

I really don't want to go on about this any longer, but I do have something to say, what is the deal with people that we give too many chances? I have known this girl for almost a year now. I used to consider her a friend, I have even mentioned her on here. Nicole. A few months after I met her I started to see major flaws in her personality, she takes the everyone look at me approach.

I am saying this because she makes no attempt to not talk about others behind their backs every chance that she gets. She also makes no attempt to not make herself seem like some kind of martyr that everyone is after. She acts as if she's at war with everyone and like they are just out to get her when in reality she usually starts the shit by doing something like breaking someone's stuff and not replacing it, or inciting two people to fight by telling them different things about each other. Usually this involves skewing the truth a bit.

When she gets caught suddenly she is the good friend that was trying to mediate but was misunderstood, she is the friend that was helping out for the good of everyone and who got caught in the middle of the nasty argument. Her most recent little action was making friends with someone that I had happened to meet through some other people, let's call her Carrie. I don't know how they get along when everyone you meet has bad things to say about Nicole. But Carrie thought Nicole was cool so she started hanging out with her.

Well the other day Nicole brought up something I had done to Carrie and was wrong about, the problem had been resolved but of course its Nicole's duty to go digging in other people's business even though she can't keep her own shit together. Well I sent Carrie this message:

I just wanted to tell you if I upset you I'm really sorry, but Nicole started a conversation tonight about how I was in the wrong and all of this, and maybe I was. But you have to understand, I don't trust or like Nicole, so if you ever have a problem with me, please come tell me. I don't want her talking to me, or about me. She does things with this sneaky way of trying to get at people through others. I don't want you to get the wrong idea, I have no problem with you or ******(her roommate). And I really like you both as people. But I don't like Nicole trying to give me advice or even trying to talk to me. So the next time you have anything to say just tell me, I'd feel much better knowing it and being able to correct it. Again I'm sorry about the clothes thing I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable and I admit it was a bad idea, but I'm glad you told me. Thank you for that. I'll talk to you later.

Not really threating right? It's not even written meanly or anything. Well Nicole got wind of it and is going around trying to tell everyone how I did her so wrong and I'm out to get her and make attacks on her because that's what the whole world is trying to do.

Well I have this to say to her: Look you fucking coward, don't try and tell me that anyone is hurting you, and don't try and use others to get at me or anyone else, you want to have a fight, let's go right out blow for blow, I bet you right now I have the gaul to stay in it and see it out fairly, the only reason I'm putting this up is because I don't know what kind of little smear campagin you've run on me or anyone else. You put on fake smiles and try to get people to come back and be by your side when no one really can feel sorry for you long because most of your problems are of you're own doing. And you keep telling me that you have things in common with Carrie. Liar, Carrie is a smart, fun loving person with an easy going attitude who tells people things that she thinks about them to their face. She doesn't get on the phone and bitch her boyfriend out while others are around, and if she does it at all, she doesn't do it in front of him and be little him like some kind of child. She doesn't use God as some kind of defense and try to call other's bad Christians when she's dating a guy and trying to get him to move in with her. Carrie says words like thank you, please and you're welcome; not to try and trick someone into helping or feeling sorry for her, but to actually show apprciation or ask that something be done.

Carrie also doesn't flaunt or show off anything, she doesn't call you up and whine about stupid shit or force you to listen to her stupid problems that no one care about until the point that you want to just stick needles under your nails to keep from passing out or thump yourself in the nuts to keep from going into some kind of bullshit induced coma. Carrie has never put on music to go sit and cry by because she wanted someone to feel sorry for her. Nor has she spend months trying to trick a guy into thinking that she deserved him, people probably feel like she's someone they actually want to be around. Lastly, Carrie is likable and pretty. Tell me, how are you two so alike.

Don't worry, because before long Carrie will see right through you, as most others do. And it doesn't matter what you say about it, you'll stab her in the back, its your nature. And then you'll try and play the martyr once again and blame her for it. But we all know no one has any sympathy for the martyr.

I Am Jack's Negativity

For those of you on Blogger, the last post was actually written several days ago, right now I'm not feeling too well. I feel like my parents are too quick to call me and tell me how I'm not going to actually get to be in school next semester and how they don't see me being well enough to come back to school. I really don't want to have to go home, I hate it at home and I really like it here because here I have more than just one friend to hang out with.

When I got home, I feel like, well I feel like there is no room for me to act the way I act here, I can't go out late, even if there's nothing to be done the next day, I can't talk on the phone, the internet there barely works and I can't just go see friends because that requires that I leave the house and use gas and so on.

My parent's answer to everything is me being at home and having a job and taking medication. I doubt any of those things will make me feel that much better now, since being at home is something I really hate, its a chance for me to get yelled at and called a failure. And as far as getting a job, I don't mind it, but then again, if I get the job while being at home it will be doing something and then coming home to sit alone and get yelled at.

I think a lot of hinges on the fact that my parents consider things in life to be something you have to do, I mean like they say that no one has a job they like, you just work to get money. Well that's bullshit, because what about people who wanted to be writers or artist or who wanted to work with technology and got their wish? I don't want to be that billionare who gets to be 80, looks back at his life and realizes that through all of his money and trouble, he's done nothing with his family and friends and just become secluded and bitter.

I want to actually be there with my children instead of out of town all of the time. If my parents really wanted me to be happy, then they would at least act like some of the things that I do aren't bullshit. If they actually gave a fuck what I think they would maybe ask me what I want to do in life and accept it instead of saying that won't make enough money or that's not a good idea.

Before I started high school I wanted to be a computer programmer, this was back in Junior High when I really didn't even understand computers very well. My high school had you fill out a bunch of papers and write and essay, like a college to get in. For one I couldn't even choose my school, I was told that I was going to Catholic school and I hated it there the entire time. But after I got through trying not to go I was working on my essay and I wrote about how I wanted to be a programmer. My parents looked at it and told me that I couldn't do that because my math was too bad and I wasn't dedicated enough to work late nights and they went on and on about why I couldn't do it.

Why do they have to add their two cents? Why do they feel a need to always doubt me? Do you know my mom has never laughed at a joke I've made? Do you know that neither of them has told me that I do anyhting well, not in my recent memory, not that I drive well, not that I write well not a damn thing. When I do good in a class they say, Why can't you do that in your other classes?. When I do good in them all they would say Well, we know that you won't be able to do this next semester.

Through all of this putting me down they sit there and tell me that I'm the one who is negative...I don't want to deal with them anymore.

I Am Jack's Lie

I don't know if I have anything to say about what's been going on, I feel like I lost the last person I did really, truly trust who's around me, I tried to ignore it and I tried to just leave things be, but its not possible. It's not like I really hoped that I wopuld get anything out of this or that I thought that I would end up with something as silly as a happily ever after. But now I feel like letting people in has become something that comes at too high of a price, every time I do it I feel more and more that way.

When you look around and you see all of the people who drift through life on nothing of a care, who do have problems but never have a problem relating to others. It's not fair to those of us who really have to work for everything that we get. Well now I am stuck without knowing how to handle this, I don't think I've ever felt so betrayed and just unwanted. I have never known someone to stab me in the back so harshly and not even try to explain why or own up to it on their own.

So I'm not sure if I even have the same friend I thought I did before, either way I'm going to be pissed about it. Because I got lied to and ditched and all I asked for was the truth and someone to hang out with and be understanding.

I'm not ready to go through that kind of pain again.

I Am Jack's Hate

Tell her nothing if not this, all I want to do is kiss

I have been dancing around the true issue here, I have been running from what's been going on because I don't want to admit it to myself or anyone else. I never liked the way things seem to turn out for me, but I never acted as if I was having it harder than anyone else.

But now, what the fuck is it, what is going on? Why is it so hard for me to have anyone that I can count on, not all of the time, just some of the time. Why is it that when I think I have something going good or have someone I can at least be with I seem to fuck it up, or the person just walks away. I have been hiding from everything, I have buried my head in video games and drawing, I have turned back into a Junior High student, back to when I was crushing on Amie and she was only in my mind the one class I sat by her but the rest of the day I was out doing other things.

I would give something, anything to be with someone for just a while and have things go a way that could be considered good. And now I feel like I might lose my best friend, now my world is upside down, I don't want to be here anymore, I don't even want to love anymore. It feels better when you hate someone than when you love someone, when you hate you're angry, you're heart is hardened to what they do and all they can do is piss you off, you want them dead and gone and it bothers you that they are around. No matter what someone does, they will always die, and when they die, you get your wish. Hate will always be gratified in the end.

Love, on the other hand, love might get you nothing, or it might get you everything. Kay you are so lucky to have one that loves you the way Chris does, please don't fuck it up like I do to everything, don't press issues, if he lies to you to protect you and you believe some small imperfect-non-truth that he told you that keeps things going, please don't press him to tell you the dirty truth, it hurts too bad. It might make you rethink things.

When you love you want someone to last forever, that can never happen. And when you love you want to be around someone always, no matter what they are never far from your mind. I can't help but think that no one thinks of me, no one cares enough to wonder where I am or what's going on. And when someone dies that you love, you never forget them, I'm certain I'll be forgotten. All I have here are incomplete stories, shitty drawings, a dumb blog and the memory of annoying the hell out of a girl who I loved.

I have so many problems, when something breaks, is it worth fixing, maybe I should just go home, give this all up and try again later or just stop this all together. No one will worry and I really doubt that it would impact anyone at all. I feel so angry now, angry at everything. I want to just slip away to sleep, and I will soon, but more than anything I just wish this world were over, and things were done. I hate the way it is. I hate my life, my problems and my triumphs. I lost the last thing that I hoped for, I lost what I worked for and now I don't see anything coming my way worth me even trying for.

I fucking hate this place.

I Am Jack's Optimistically Tuned Good News

What to write, what to write. I woke up today feeling better, feeling like there's hope and feeling like I can do this. I don't know what changed, maybe that's just it, everything is getting back to the way I wish it had been all along. Looks like I looked in my pants and found a pair too because I kind of asked this girl out on a date. Nothing to serious yet because I just want to feel something out. Its more of a getting to know you session and I really like those because I think I work best in in a situation where I don't have to worry about others distracting me in any way.

I drove back down here Tuesday afternoon, things were a little hard. I actually fell asleep on the road and drifted off into a ditch, nothing was hurt, not even the car and I had a good laugh about it after the fact. I came back and hung out with some friends, got some pictures at IHOP with the waitress, who was very cute and they even made us a giant pancake penis!

I managed to write some, it was a very good little bit that I did. But for once its in first person, which means that this is gonna be hard. I need to redo all of the stories, I'm not sure if they will all be first person, if they are it will be from the presepctive of a different character each time.

I want this to be my close to final rewrite, meaning that I want this one to only be revised, not rewritten. You know its been years since I just left a story as is and posted it and was happy and I need to get back into that mode. Oh I met another person off my facebook list the other day, her name is Amber and she seems really sweet and friendly. I need more friends like that around. After that I went out smoked some hookah, not much really because I'm not used to smoking. And its just an occasional thing. I guess for me its more about the hanging out and talking.

Right now, I know I want to go play some Smash Brothers, I will talk to you all later and I promise to start updating this thing more!