Saturday, December 29, 2007

There Are No Christmas Miracles

I haven't really spoken about it to many people, those of you who don't know its probably because I just hate the look people give me when they respond. I hate the fact that this had to happen of all times, on Christmas day. I guess I should go back and explain myself. My brother, John Caynon Junior died at 11:40 on Christmas night. He died alone in a San Antonio nursing home while still in a coma. The call came just before midnight. I think even when the phone was ringing I knew it was trouble.



I think that my brother and I were close, because we had a lot of fun together, even when we argued or fought. He was one of the strongest people I know, he's been to Iraq, he's been shot (not while there) and he's been through alot. He was a hard worker and he really did care but he hated to show it. He liked to make people laugh and laugh and it showed when you really got to know him.



I think I needed some time to sort all of this out in my head. I think that at first the shock was so much that I just kept going at normal pace. I kept running through everything doing what I could, being the person I've been for a long time now. I was already upset with Christmas, I feel like this year has just been, well the worst year ever. Even when my mom died that year still didn't seem like anything else bad happened. But this year I have lost friends, lost a brother, right now I have a friend who might be dying in a hospital bed of cancer, things keep getting worse and worse and I am just trying to look for the light at the end of the tunnel.



I don't try to remain positive, that's not me, I don't work well when people are too hopeful and positive, I'm the kind of person God made to offset that. My oldest brother is gone and I'm so shocked...I still felt like he was here even when he was in the coma. My good friend Meina is in the hospital and her courage and positive attitude should be a reminder to us all what someone can do if they have the will.



But in the back of my mind, I think I know now that all the movies were wrong, miracles don't happen on Christmas. Christmas is just another day of the year...its nothing special to anyone up in Heaven or down in Hell just because we slapped a day on some calender. Real miracles happen everyday, you just have to look for them. Maybe the miracle was John getting to see Mom again, not sure really. But I guess I know he's at peace and he knows how much we all love him. In Meina's case, we can still hope for a miracle, she can still come home.



But I guess, as they say, that's all in God's hands.

Monday, December 24, 2007

I'm A Fake

Intro to "I'm a fake" by the Used


Small, simple, safe price.


Rise the wake and carry me with all of my regrets.


This is not a small cut that scabs, and dries, and flakes, and heals.


And I am not afraid to die;


I’m not afraid to bleed and fuck and fight,


I want the pain of payment.


What’s left, but a section of pygmy sized cuts.


Much like a slew of a thousand unwanted fucks.


Would you be my little cut?


Would you be my thousand fucks?


And make mark leaving space for the guilt to be liquid.


To fill and spill over and under my thoughts.


My sad, sorry, selfish cy out to the cutter.


I’m cutting trying to picture your black, broken heart.


Love is not like anything.


Especially a fucking knife.

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Even If It Kills Me

I’ve got a lotta things to do tonight


I’m so sick of making lists


Of things I’ll never finish


I’ve lived here for the last 12 years


Since early 1995 all my shit has been in boxes


But if I had a little more time to kill


I’d settle every little stupid thing


Yeah you’d think that I would



But I’m too tired to go to sleep tonight


And I’m too weak to follow dreams tonight


For the first time in a long time I can say


That I want to try to get better and


Overcome each moment


In my own way



I wonder if I’ll ever lose my mind



I tried hard for awhile


But then I kind of gave up


Winter is killer when the sun goes down


I’m really not as stubborn as I seem


Said the knuckle to the concrete


But I’m too tired to go to sleep tonight



And I’m too weak to follow dreams tonight



For the first time in a long time I can say


That I want to try to get better and


Overcome each moment


In my own way



I’m not saying that I’m giving up


I’m just trying not to think


As much as I used to


Cause never is a lonely little messed up word


Maybe I’ll get it right some day


For the first time in a long time I can say


That I want to try


I feel helpless for the most part


But I’m learning to open my eyes


And the sad truth of the matter is


I’ll never get over it


But I’m gonna try


To get better and overcome each moment


In my own way




I sure want to get back on track


And I’ll do whatever it takes


Even if it kills me

Monday, December 17, 2007

PC

So this story starts out with this strange need for me to play Metal Gear Solid for the Game Cube, I found out the game stop near my house had it and when I went to pick it up they IDed me, whats more is the guy who worked there has known me for like, ten years. He even knew it was me coming to get it. Now more recently he's taken to looking like Grizzly Adams, but that's besides the point.



I ask him what's with the new policy and if they had some trouble out of kids buying games when they're underaged. For those who don't know, games much like music and movies have a rating system, the ratings are fuzzy at times because so many of them seem unnecessary. But the system has been in place since the early nineties and has to be on any game sold in the United States after then.



The game I brought was rated, M for Mature. When I asked the guy behind the counter he said that they had to check every ID and he went on to say that it was because since Hilary Clinton was running for office she was stepping up her campaign against the gaming industry. Not sure if any of you really thought about what I just said there. But take this to heart, if this is the case and you must ID for mature video games, that means video games are more dangerous than fucking cigarettes. That means they're more dangerous than alcohol, both of which kill countless people a year.



I mean how stupid does that sound? Or is it just me. The gaming industry has caught a lot of shit for being too unpoliced. More often than not its the parents who should catch shit for it. The government shouldn't have to tell a store what to sell me, a grown person. We're not talking about air port check points, this is a video game store. What's worse is I don't see it getting any better for anything. There's talk of making any movie with smoking rated R.



That would mean your kids couldn't pick up a copy of 101 Dalmatians because Davile, in the movie, smokes. Political Correctness is a virus that's infected this world and is drowning us.

Saturday, December 15, 2007

Identification Verification

It seemed that as far as Dee was concerned a little exposure went a long way, she needed to stay out of the overly watchful eye of others. She had a certain knack for attracting the attention of people who she really didn’t want seeing her.




Tonight was a rainy, the overcast clouds seemed to dip down and scrap across the tops of the buildings even. On the roof of this hospital Dee could stand under the large decorative cover and be just out of the rain. The wind still passed under and whipped through her hair every once in a while.




The dark curls swayed and bounced and hit her in the face some of the time as she just stood and smoked her cigarette. The Angel of Death had little to worry about as far as lung cancer was concerned, but she still took some comfort in smoking, the smell more than the feeling it brought her.




She polished off a long thin cigarette to the point where the rain had pretty much ended its run and let it fly from the rooftop with a sigh. As she reached for the next one she felt her cell phone ring, she slipped the Bluetooth ear piece on under her hair and then answered, “Go ahead.”




The voice on the other end was chipper, a young girl with a British Accent, “Yeah I thought you said that they had good food in this city…”




“They do Madeleine,” Dee said softly, “You just have to know where to look.”




Madeleine’s voice on the other end of the phone seemed louder suddenly, “But it seems to all be Mexican,” she paused, “I don’t like Mexican.”




“Have you tried Soul Food?” Dee asked.




“What’s that?”




“For a person who doesn’t have to actually eat since they’re not even alive you’re picky as Hell,” Dee quipped.




“You’re picky about those damned cigarettes of yours and you don’t even have to breathe…” Madeleine retorted.




Dee nodded, “Alright, you win this one,” she fumbled for a cigarette now that she had been reminded, “But let’s just try and go out and get something together, I can be back there in a few minutes…”




“I’m starved, just bloody teleport here!” Madeleine said.




“I would but I’m not that far along yet.”





“How much of your power would you say has returned?” now she could hear Madeleine tapping on a table or something.




“I would have hoped it’d be about twenty five to forty percent,” Dee sighed, “But it feels more like about ten…”




“But considering your rank and the amount of power you have, you’re still going to be strong.”




Dee sighed again, “Its just that I miss some things…”




Madeleine laughed, “Don’t worry, you’ll be back soon enough,” she paused, “Think I’m going to watch something on the telly, hurry and get back.”




Dee smiled, “Alright, Maddy,” the phone clicked as she hung up and just as she was reaching for the ear piece there was a flash of lightening and then an impact. Something hit her hard in the middle knocking her into the air and through the large covered atrium of the hospital. Her body flipped and she lost the Bluetooth in the night.




Rain pelted her as she rolled through the air and instinctively she opened her huge white wings and brought herself into a dive to pick up speed before swooping back up. She searched around the skies for the culprit of the hit, she’d seen a form only briefly before being the impact.




Off in the distance she heard a strange voice, “You should have expected this, bitch!” the voice sounded almost like two voices at once.




Dee made back and flew straight for him, her arms out at her sides, “What kind of person just flies into someone like that?”




There was a bout of laugher, “Why I do of course!”




Dee slammed into him from the side and as she did she was met with force on her end. The two of them tumbled down through the rain rolling about in the air. As she took her punches at him her fists burned red hot with flames, one of the other descriptions she had as the Angel of Death was the Angel of Fire and Destruction. She could control most fire with just a thought, Pyrokenesis.




Her opponent didn’t seem phased from what she could see, he kept on swinging back, one of them landed square in her eye and she winced, they were hard hits for a regular Angel or Demon to be doing.




The two of them were nearing the ground and when Dee looked back the other creature kicked off of her knocking her down into the top of a small fast food joint, she landed back first laying there, her opponent landed standing over her, she could see now that it was the tall lanky man she’d come across earlier.




He smiled down at her as he put a hang around her neck, his coat was open and his chest was vacant of any other kind of covering. There was a large tattoo covering most of his chest, “This is disappointing,” he said, “The new Angel of Death…I hope you're better in bed than you fight, then maybe you could at least give me something to leave here with...”




Dee’s hand went down to the gun at her side, she kept it more often for confrontations with Humans but it would buy her some time here, “If you want me so bad come take me…” she opened fire hitting him in the face, neck and chest several times. He loosened up and she got her feet back and kicked him up off of her.




The lanky man flew back up into the sky, his wings were black she could tell now, judging by the tattoo and the wings she could tell who she was dealing with, “One of Satan’s Elite Guard? Hm you’re not my type anyway.”




He was writhing in pain, clawing at his wounds, “You insolent whore, what’ve you done to me?”




“The bullets are iron and have a hollow Holy Water tip,” Dee said, “They’d kill a bottom feeder demon, but for big shots like you I’d just expect there to be a little stinging.”




“Hm, it would seem you are prepared…” he said.




“Yeah and if you want to wait around I’ll have half of Heaven down here to kick the shit out of you for breaking the treaty…” she paused for a moment to remember the exact line, “Those in Satan’s Elite guard are strictly prohibited from attacking any member of the six Arch Angels…the war is over, and has been for some time now.”




“You know your treaty little girl,” he said.




“I’m the keeper of all contracts in Heaven and Hell.”




“And it would seem you live up to it, Death,” now the lanky man sighed, “But my attack was only to see if you were who you seemed to be, this isn’t a military action, no we’ve got our hands too full in Hell for that.”




“Hands full in Hell,” Dee repeated, “What’s going on?”




The lanky man folded his arms, his pain seemed to have subsided now, “There’s a new war brewing, and before long it might spread back to Heaven…rival factions in Hell.”




“Why hadn’t God notified us?” Dee asked.




The lanky man smiled, “He has his way of doing that from time to time.”




“And who might you be?” she asked.




“Asmodeus the Lustful,” he answered.




“Makes sense,” Dee started to pace around, “So do you have the proof you need?”




He nodded, “The proof is sufficient…”




She holstered her gun, “Then leave me be,” as she said this he just nodded and vanished in a flash of light. Dee hunched her back over and opened her wings shaking them dry as best she could before taking off again to fly off into the night.

Friday, December 14, 2007

Last Night

Last night things seemed to happen in so much of a slow motion. Usually she turned down the invitation to go to a party, I’m not sure what made things different this time but I doubt it matters. The whole thing was going down at a friend’s house on a cold autumn night.



I was frustrated when I met her there, I wasn’t sure what to expect from her. Things had been going down hill for a long time, the fall that never ends. Why was it so hard for us now? We’d been best friends for years and when we started to date for a while things suddenly took this turn.



She was dressed in a thin black dress with white polka dots, there was a little tie up ribbon around the waist. Her hair was down, as it always was. She had this thing about ponytails, she was just against them for some reason.



Her face was stretched to a forced smile, her front teeth showing, they were bigger than they should have been and it just gave her this cute sincere look. I should have known better than to take that as the truth, though.



The music was loud and I could barely hear it as she yells to me, “Glad you could make it Perry,” her green eyes shine up at me. Something in her voice made me nervous, even before the party was off in full swing I wanted to be out of the crowded house, I wanted to be home alone studying for the test next week. This party became a prison, the people barring me in. I’d climb the walls for oxygen.



“Thanks for calling me up,” I lean in to give her a kiss instinctively, she pulls back at first as if its instinct and but the mark still lands square on her cheek. As she nervously brushes the maroon hair down from her face she starts to bounce with the music. Now I yell to her, “You look so beautiful in that dress, just perfect tonight.”



A half hearted smile spreads across her lips, her lightly tanned face catches the dim light in a way that shows that one dimple she has that’s deeper than the other. “Why don’t we just dance?”



I take her hand and she leads me out to the dance floor, I’m looking her up and down and somehow I know what’s coming. I push the thought back and I bury it under everything I can inside of my head. Thoughts of school, the idea that I really can’t dance; anything at all to push those fucking feelings of regret down. Is it that I’m coming on too strong?



I’ll wait, but I’m too tired to play pretend, I’m too tired to climb this wall or claw for the air at the top of this tank anymore. I’ll suffocate until the end. We start to dance, as innocently as we can. More innocent than we would have danced as just friends. Best friends turned lovers…better off where they started.



I attempt to get closer to her, my fingers run down through her hair. Her expression changes now, her eyes flinch nervously. She looks up and down my body. Her mouth is open only part of the way. She’s working up something inside, and I want anything to take those words away at this point.



With a little step I go to kiss the side of her neck, she tilts her head up and as my lips meet her warm skin she places one hand on my waist. She whispers something in my ear, but the message is unclear. She steps back and motions outside. I trail her closely from behind as she tries hard not to cry. She shakes underneath the newly fallen pouring rain.



My voice is barely audible, “Ashley…” I go to touch her shoulder.



“I can’t compete with all your damn ideas,” her first words bite into my core, “This isn’t working out for you and me; and the truth is I’m too tired to play pretend. This is goodbye, this is the end.”

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Funny Thing...

Funny thing about pictures, they can bring back memories you'd long since forgotten, or maybe you let them go because the memory itself it too painful.


I looked through some old pictures today, and I remembered part of the things that made me start to want something I probably should have known was out of the question.

Saturday, December 08, 2007

The Spill Canvas

I had the notion that you'd make me change my ways
My bad habits would be gone in a matter of days
I had the feeling that you'd open up my eyes
To a whole new world that had since been in disguise



But that day will most likely never come for me
And it's just my luck to end up getting stuck
To everything you are



So tonight I'll sit and pick apart your pictures
And overanalyze your words
But the truth is that I've never fallen so hard
It's taking everything in me
Just to forget your sweater so far



I had the notion that you'd make me forget the world
But your undecisive mind shows me that
You are "just another girl"
I had the feeling that those looks you gave me were real
What if I ripped your heart apart at the seams
Maybe then you'd know how I feel



But that day will most likely never come for me
And it's just my luck to end up getting stuck
To everything you are



So tonight I'll sit and pick apart your pictures
And overanalyze your words
But the truth is that I've never fallen so hard
It's taking everything in me
Just to forget your sweater so far



I can honestly say
That I never, ever, ever felt this way
Your lips, your eyelashes, your skin
These are the parts of your body
That cause my comatose to begin



I can honestly say
That I never, ever, ever felt this way
Your lips, your eyelashes, your skin
These are the parts of your body
That cause my comatose to begin



I will sleep another day
I don't really need to anyway
What's the point when my dreams are infected
With words you used to say
I will breathe in a moment
As long as I keep my distance
I wouldn't want to go messing anything up



So don't go worrying about me
It's not like I think about you constantly
So maybe I do, but that shouldn't affect
Your life anymore
I knew it the moment you walked into the door



So don't go worrying about me
It's not like I think about this constantly
So maybe I do, but that shouldn't affect
Your life anymore
I knew it the moment you walked into the door



I'll let you get the best of me
Because there's nothing else that I do well
I'll let you get the best of me
Because there's nothing else that I do well
I'll be the giver and you'll be the taker
I guess that's how this one's gonna go I'll be the giver and you'll be the taker
You've got me down on my knees and I proclaim
All hail the heartbreaker

Wednesday, December 05, 2007

Irony and Insanity

They say that irony is the lynch pin of comedy, but I don't see anything to laugh at. They say that insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results, I don't think I've reached the point yet. But I can feel that I am close to insanity. How I wish so badly I was wrong. That I was a man who I could say believed that men and women could be friends without it going any further than that or getting ruined.



Sometimes I want to think that girls are so gullible and yet so unwilling to try the one thing that might actually work for once. They're not even willing to take a chance on the people who tell them the truth, the guys that would never hurt them. Maybe the irony here is the masochistic way in which we all behave. The way I have behaved, I stupidly let girls walk into my life only knowing that there is too often the potential there for me to get walked on and over.



And I know full well I am capable of shutting people out, it comes with being artistic and the like. But I never have the heart to do it. And that's the true root of the insanity and irony in this little situation. Killing off a kind nature is so much harder than just being nice after being mean for a long time.



They don't understand what they're doing, they don't know it some of the time and yes we all have our own problems. It drives you insane. But it gets to the point where you want so badly to show them that you never want them in your life again and somehow at the same time, you know the real irony is, you'd want nothing more than to have them there forever.