Death of Interior an Decorator

I have the dorm to myself this weekend, I have my home away from home to sit in and od what needs to be done. Yet why is it that I can't seem to think straight, I can't seem to get things in my mind to order themselves right to do this paper or do this presentation. Is it some kind of sickness I have here?

Well, I'll place that beside the point, I'll sit and the normal thing, I'll talk about my day and...well my day wasn't anything to brag about. But I feel like I want to write alot in here. Most of the day I hung out with Spike and his dad, there was a little interaction with Rei today, which is a rarity now, to say the least. And Auska made a breif appearence, it was longer than Rei's but not to much avail.

The lyrics play in my head now,

All the girls in in every girlie-magazine can't make me feel any less alone, I'm reaching for the phone to call at 7:03. On your machine I slur a plee for you to come home. But I know its too late, I should have given you a reason to stay.

How is it we dream of something we've never had? How is I seem to get loneliest when I'm with people.

Posting in this blog has become a good passtime for me, I feel liberated when I finish a nice long post, and I come back the next day to find so many comments there, sat nice in their fonts with the names and times escorting them. I'm sure a lot of people who have blogs must know this feeling, its euphoric in a way. But I digress, I don't know why I'm even on this little trip...

After almost four weeks of playtime, Spike has beaten Devil May Cry 3. I liked the game, it was hard in parts, but it was fun too. The cinematics in there were awesome, its amazing where games have come in the past few decades, where technology, in general has come. I remember a time when I refused to use a computer to do anything on a computer. Now look at me. Well I better be going, Spike just got here.

Sleep Posting

It sucks when you get that, half sleep, half awake urge to write like I have right now...I need to get back in bed. But before I go, I'm thinking of a way to get food to the girl I had lunch with this week. She seems really nice and I just want to take her some of the food I made last night while she's at work or something.

Wish I could find out her break without her knowing, make it some kind of surprise...oh well, I better get back to bed.

I Am Jack's Reason To Crash...

I really can't say too much about yesterday right now because I am starting to get sleepy. It sucks to almost fall asleep at the computer. I got to hang out with Marisa today some, that was really good. It was nice to get to be around her and to see just how much fun she is.

Hard to believe that in two weeks she'll be sixty miles away. I will go see her next semester, I will or I'll miss her so much. I think that's what scares me, is that if I try to go out with her she will be far away.

And she wouldn't go for that either, I mean her last boyfriend, with whom she was also in a long distance relationship with cheated on her and while I am totally against cheating most guys will say anything to get a girl to go out with them.

This weekend, hmm this weekend is going to be very odd indeed, I think that the best way to sum it up is to say that there is alot to look forward to and alot not to. I will be sending a picture back to Winly, I can't drive back there, but I can damn well send her something

Auska's thinking of dying her hair again, I loved the red! I really don't want her to dye it black. I mean there's nothing better than redhair, even if its dyed. If any girl ever wanted to get my attention she could just dye her hair red and show some leg and I'd at least look in her direction. Of course those things only get you so far, I mean there's the personality factor, and then there's also some other things that I don't think I should go into right now...

We went to the movies and saw the movie Crash, it was okay. When I say okay, I mean that I really didn't like it too much, but I think it was entertaining, I can't really describe what I am trying to say too much. The movie was alot like the move Magnolia, now if you were to compare Crash to Magnolia it would be comprable to say having Evolution juxtaposed to Ghostbusters. Same calibur of movie, but one is obviously better and pulled off in the right kind of way.

Some characters in Crash were really well done, for instance the Hispanic man with the young daughter, he is an excellent actor, too bad he's in all of twenty-five minutes of the movie over the spread out amount of time.

Another good character was the one that the rapper Ludacris played. On the other hand Sandra Bullock did a horrible job in this movie, as did Brenden Frasier, they just didn't fit and the rest of the cast seemed far more capable than the two of them, and their arguably the biggest two actors in this thing.

If you are into really depressing drama's about life and relationships and how shit is in the real world this is worth checking out when it hits theatres, I saw it on a sneak preview Thanks for that Auska.

See you 'round.

What Are You Guys Waiting For?

I have to clear something up, in the post One For The Ladies some of you may have misunderstood me when I was talking about the girl I went out to lunch with the other day. I've never understood why nice girls who look good and want to be in a relationship can't...

I mean this girl is asking to be taken on on facebook, that's where I met her and yet there's no takers. It just seems kind of backwards. I'm not sure you would still consider it sexist after that fact. It would be the same thing if there were some really smart male model who happened to be down to Earth and no girls would go out with him.

Twinklestar thought that I was wondering why no guy had come along and made her lucky day I think its just the opposite; most guys seem to be lost without a woman's help, I think if I didn't have a lot of female friends I would be lost half of the time.

Why don't the guys out there do themselves a favor and go after a girl like this for a change. I think I'll actually try to pursue this thing further, I mean why not. If I mess up I'll just end up with one more really pretty friend. Never hurts to have one more of those!

Tonight is cooking night again, I'm making the spaghetti, I think right about now I have a mastered recipie down for it. All that I really have to work on is the concentration of the sauce, which isn't really much when you think about it, the stuff still tastes damn good.

I better start getting ready to go to class, I have to get there,m endure it and come back awake...so I need a drawing pad because that class is pretty much bullshit anyways. It's still my favorite out of the bunch, so I do go to it! Well I guess I'll be around on here later.

I Am Jack's Knowledge of Drama....

Today I finally learned how to do something that I hadn't figured out in the year and a half that I had my cellphone, I finally figured out how to send the pictures that the camera phone takes to myself throught email, sure it costs a bit of money, but its better than the $70.00 connection cable Verizon wants me to buy!

So now I have the pictures I should have put up here sometime before Easter. There's basically two that I wanted to get up, the first one is on Rei, she's wearing an Easter hat and looking cute doing it.

The next one is of me in a hat looking retarded

That's basically it, for those old pictures. Now I was going to do some talking about something that Spike mentioned to me a while back and reiterated to me just today, something is wrong with the TNT. They have some kind of sick obsession with drama. Every other commercial is We know drama.

Why do they think that every fucking show that they put on is drama? Hell, how do shows that come off other networks suddenly become more dramatic solely by switching networks. Those shows aren't more dramatic! They're the same damn shows off CBS, NBC, ABC, FOX and the WB...I think that out of all the shows on there they have ONE original series.

Some of the shows, they have on there shouldn't be allowed near a television. I mean take Charmed for instance. That show shouldn't even be allowed to exist, the people who cooked up that piece of shit should be burned at the stake, no trial invovled!

I mean I love TNT and all, because they show Law & Order, Angel and The X-Files. Those are some of my favorite shows. I will continue to watch the network, but I'm just saying...

Right now I am watching the DVD of Chirs Rock's Stand Up: Never Scared if you want to check it out the link is in the title...see ya on the flipside.

Mid-Day Post

I have a need to write something, I have a need to work on my story, the one that so many people probably think isn't worth the powder to blow it to hell...whatever. Like right now I am sitting here at the computer wondering what I should do now. The girl I went out to lunch with yesterday, I'd like to call her and hang out again.

It's not everyday that I get to just sit and talk to a girl like that without some kind of annoyance around. Last night was interesting if anything, I sat up with Kramer and Spike and we talked about things. As most conversations with us it just got dirty. I think the pinnacles of the points of the conversation were when I was eating spaghetti that Brandon had brought back and I asked him Why is this spaghetti spicy? and he was just said We're cajun, everything's spicy, we put spice on birthday cakes,. And the second little point was when Oral Sex came up again, not a big surprise there and we were talking how many girls we would give oral sex to, and of course Spike said one...Julia. And I could think of four

Kramer whips his head around when I offered to let them guess the four, well he said a name I hadn't even thought of, but damn well should have and I could barely said the number, I just rose that last finger up...I was pretty much caught in the act right then and there....

Well I better get off of here, I have to go over to Marisa's to borrow some milk to cook dinner.

Wasting Time

I'm having to type this to post later, because what I planned on doing I can't do! Apparently the library here at the school has some kind of bullshit network protection that you need this ID that I hardly ever use to get into. If it were the middle of the day I would just walk to a corner and call the help desk, but it's 11:26 PM CST on a Tuesday night. I think I'm past being able to call them...

I left my place to come down here with a friend and its been really nice so far, with the exception of the fact I'm barred off from the internet and most of the rest of the world for the time being. Right now I'm in that state of seraching for the answers to all of these questions and having ALOT of work to do. Why don't I just buckle down and do it you may ask? Well because right now there's too much going on for me to even think correctly. I'm kind of in that place where I just want to be somewhat happy. We all have that happen to us something.

Today Spike told me something very interesting, apparently the Klu Klux Klan has a weekly news program...I find this humorous, what's even funnier is that they have it in Real Video format. I was really interested in finding out more about it so we did some searches. Apparently there's this guy named Don Black who apparenly thinks that he should promote a division of the nation into races.

Funny part is the guy looks like a racist, if that makes any sense at all. Have any of you ever seen Jerry Spinger when they have the panel of racists and they all kind of look the same? Well its that's same kind of thing here. He looks like one of those guys. I just find it funny that guys like this still exist--I mean that we should be trying to mix the races as much as we can, I mean all of the mixed race girls are the best looking. And then you have to think about this war we're in, how does it look if we're bitching over something as trivial as skin color....it just seems so 400 years ago.

You can find this guys site at this place...Don Black. Oh well though, I'm tired of typing this...

One For The Ladies...

I realized today that I can have a level of comfort in any situation, I met probably had lunch with one of the prettiest girls I've ever seen on campus. When I say that I mean the personality amplified it even. How she's single I don't know, because she seemed fine to me. Right now I'd rather date her than Marisa on the simple fact that Marsia and I have history that involves me telling her I like her, and her being like I don't see why, or something of that nature, so I'll see what goes on for a while...

I am really starting to doubt that going home is the best course of action, I would love to hang out with Winly, but ehhh, yeah I know. I'm just confusing. I had a nap just before I wrote this, and what I mean to say is that I fell asleep writing this earlier...so let me get on to what I want to say.

We all know that I have a special standing on redheads, I findthat to be one of the most attractive features on a woman. Redhair, green eyes, freckles and the legs...we've been through this before, but I think that these things among other things make a woman really attractivce. What do the girls out there find attractive? I mean I heard the September Girl rant about what she liked about sex here. But other than those things I really have no idea what women feel on men.

I Am Jack's Relation Delimna...

I have been here at my dorm most of the day, the only time I went out was when I went to Marisa's and then to the store with her. I forget how much I love hanging out with herand how much fun she is just to have around. I could have her around me all of the time, she just makes me smile and I don't think I get that with anyone else right now.

There's just something I need to think about, would it be worth it right now to even try to build something more solid with Marisa? I mean she's very fun to hang out with but I don't know if I have what it takes to go for anything more than friends with her now. I mean I took a bad burn with that whole Rei situation and while I'm much better than I was two months ago, I'm by no means whole.

Spike seems to get the idea that Marisa won't even hurt me, if that's the case there's no pain and a lot gain. If next weekend goes well then what? What about the little thing I set up tomorrow? I mean Marisa is more important to me than alot of the things around here, she's more fun than a lot of other people, too.

I would love to tell her just how much she means, actually...I would love to tell her she means alot to me and I would never let anything bad happen to her...but I don't think a conversation between us could transition to something that serious.

For now I'll just stick to the way things have been, I'll just hang out with her and talk to her on a normal bullshiting around friend level...does anyone else have that friend everyone tells you that you'd be perfect for and you deny it but you see it; and all the while you just think of how great things could be?. What do you do about that?

I Am Jack's La-De-Fucking-Da

This has become quite the topic, we should start some kind of open discussion thing, like a debate...naw I'm just kidding. But I would like anyone who sees this to participate; Kay I would suggest that all who come here check out the post on Misadventures of a Silly Girl (Vol. 1) I don't feel like doing a link because that would require me going to get pieces of URLs and all this other shit I don't feel like doing, basically I can just link you here, I have this much energy at least...

Here is the link to where Amanda links all of the topics together, yes I'm a lazy bastard, no I don't want to fucking talk about it...

Check These Out.

I Am Jack's Opinon of Gender Roles

Of all the things that could become hot topics in our little invisible blogring here, this is one I never expected to see given this much page space. But it is an interesting thing and I would like to thank Twinks for giving us such a take on it. I have to agree with you on some level, Twinks.

While I have never kissed a male, I know several girls who have either turned bi or just experimented with other girls recently. However, I don't see the whole thing about how two girls making out or having intercourse is something that turns a guy on. I mean its as if to say Yeah I like someone that totally disregards me as functional in a sexual way. Men are confusing people in some ways, most of the time their choices are straight forward, but in some instances, such as this one, it seems like an common fetish.

I don't want to get into how that boggles me too much, this is about gender roles, right? Well I remember a time that must have been about fourth grade, I say that because I was in the gym at school and they hadn't gotten the new padded safety mat shit yet, and there was something I will never forget that happened in class. Twon young girls, I have no recolection of their names, kissed each other on the lips. Understand, back then there was no Queer Eye For The Straight Guy, no Will & Grace.

These two girls did this in full view of teachers, and when they were caught were they told to stop or even punished? No. They weren't even told a thing, as a matter of a fact a boy told on them and was told to go on about his business. It would seem to me that if you are a young female a lesbian relationship is the way to go, you have all of the fun, you get to break rules against display of affection, and the guys will think you kick ass just because.

Women kissing women isn't as taboo as men kissing men for all of the reasons presented by us I think, I have to say that to you Twinks it may seem as though there is some stigma towards men kissing men just because of the fact that most of the Westernized world views gender as it does. I think that part of it does have to do with the way that the bodies of each are viewed to, it still fits into the gender role aspect in some ways.

I also know girls who think its hot when two guys are kissing, just as some women (like Auska) find dorky guys attractive, there are also those who find bi-curious males to be something of a turn-on...Now, why would I never kiss a boy?. Well it simply isn't attractive to me, when I see a male I think of dirty smelly things, I know this isn't always the case, but to me there is something more sexual about a female. And I'm sure you'll find females who view males in a light that matches my view of them. A good example is how you can get that smell of a women when they sweat, I don't mean dirty sweet. I mean that smell when they are clean maybe fresh from the shower. There is a certain smell that they have, its intoxicating, like an ambrosia (not the person) of an aroma. When males sweat I actually want to get away from them just because I fear it might get on me.

To uphold this point, I can say that many of the things I find attractive in a female are things that make males look worse to me, such as red hair, freckles, and a few other traits. I used to tell Katherine how I loved red hair, but I really should have told her that I like redhair on girls. Where as some people have just a general love for things, I don't have the same thing. In the same way, I find two men kssing not to be threatening? How many people get raped by a gay guy? I just find it to be nasty, the fact that they can kiss, something feels wrong about it to me, espcially if they claim not to be gay. I don't have anything against gays, but the concept of kissing is strange to me. You have to understand, I don't kiss often or get kissed often, I find kissing to be a sign of love at times or just something lustful, carnal, raw and sexual at others.

So what I am saying is that I think it is a combination of the beauty of the female body and the general preception that men shouldn't experiment that way that allow females kissing others of their very same sex to be regarded in a more positive light than men kissing men.

Winly

Alright, for those of you who haven't realized, I've been having issues with Blogger. I don't mean Blogger in the sense of the service. Blogger itself is good, but when I enter text into the compose and try to clean it up the html sector it goes all shit cocked so I have no choice but to write this out in html its not that hard.

I just reall have to watch what I'm doing a little bit more, I don't have spellcheck without word which means that I'll have to use the one that I seem to remember blogger having or do without. And I can't do with out, my spelling is shit. (Bare with the constant text formatting, its me getting in practice) Now I talked yesterday about the introduction of a new character. Well I have been thinking for a while and in honor of something that I know some of you will be able to relate to I will use a name for this character that comes from something that I have been watching over the last few days. We'll call her Winly.

Winly is, for lack of a better word, the first girl that I can remember for a while who has seemingly been in awe of me, and shown it openly and been near my age (this last one is important, can't have me in jail and shit). All of this business starts with Winly around about the same time I started here at UTSA. My roommate gave me the phone one day when he was talking to her and I just talked back. There wasn't really any brilliant conversation, but the odd part is she just remembered me in the back of her head. We probably only talked four times last semester.

But just last week she called me up and wanted me to go to her prom with her because her boyfriend had just broken up with her. Funny part is thinking back I wrote her off just because she told me when we first talked that she had a boyfriend. Now we've talked almost everyday this week and things seem to be going really good. I think she gives me far too much credit, like she doesn't seem skeptical about anything at all. And that just leaves me wondering Is This Whole Thing Good Or Bad.

I guess it'll just have to play out for me to find all of that out!

I Am Jack's View On Same Sex Kissing...

Right now, I'm waiting for Spike and The Minstrel to stop messing around so we can finish watching this show. I will gladly watch it with them, but I hate having to wait on someone to do it. If that makes any sense at all. I feel like there's been a lot going on, but I know that there's not much of anything going on.

Lately I have been going and buying food and cooking, I love to cook and no one seems to know that, and no one needs to know that. The more people know something its like the more they want you to do it. I wouldn't mind cooking for Auska, Marisa, Rei or a few other people, but I don't like cooking for anyone like Janus because she can be an ungrateful bitch at times.

At times? I mean all the time, it would seem that some of the things that we've had a problem with from her she seems to think that we are the problem, like she told her roommate, Target, that she needed to teach Spike and I a lesson about how Cait Sith felt when we ate his cereal. Okay, for those of you who don't know.

I never ate his cereal and Spike, who did, only ate a small portion, bought him another box of the same crap, which means that there was more than there would have been had Spike ate none and made sure that it was there before the next time he came over.

He's bitching about cereal that he got paid back for doubly. I don't understand people I don't understand childish people most of all.

But I digress, I read on Amanda's blog today something that I would like to share with you. It was from a post called Confessions #11, she was talking about how she had kissed a girl before and I told her that I found two girls kissing to be all right, but two guys to be gross, I then asked was I strange for this and she had this to say in response.

No, you're not strange. It seems that way to a lot of guys and it seems that way to a lot of girls, too. In my opinion, females are just so much more beautiful than males. And, there are a lot of people who agree. If you look at it from an artistic stance, the female body is amazing. Tha male body, however, is more functional and stronger. I think there's just something that makes two people, who are built for beauty, kissing easier on the eyes than two people, built to be functional, kissing.

Kind of like seeing two roses together without a vase... but two vases together without a rose just seems kind of silly... then you have a rose placed in a vase and things are beautified and serving their purpose. Just a theory.

I basically saw this to be almost the perfect analogy and I just had to share it with anyone who has yet to see her blog Misadventures of a Silly Girl (Vol. 1).

There is still more to the story, I responded with this, and since this might get confusing here, I will post my part in blue, as hers was in purple, if you haven't noticed people's quotes tend to be in different colors. Kay's were in pink. Anyway, here's what I had to say…

I really like your theory Amanda, I think I will write an entry on it. I think that women kissing like that is artistically beautiful but it doesn't do it for me sexually, you know? I mean if you were to tell other guys this, they would want all these details and stuff, but to me its kind of like and artistic beauty type thing. I can picture it but its not even like in a raunchy way, its like this 'paint on canvas' type thing. If that makes any sense at all.

What do all of you think? I mean honest opinion of men kissing men and women kissing women. And when if a guy says that he sees them as both the same, no one's going to call you gay or anything, because that's fucked up and we don't do that shit around here. Well I have to get going, FMA awaits, tomorrow, I'll be introducing a new character to the blog.

I Am Jack's Fabled Return...

Back by popular demand, the title will stick once more. I figure that if someone relized it was gone and asked about it then I might as well bring it back. I mean I like doing what my readers want, I like people to read this thing, which is why I’m not on Live Journal with that ‘Friend’s Only’ Shit. This is the open book for the world to see.

Well what you might ask is what happened today, well I cooked some more spaghetti, I even saved some for Marisa and took it over to her. I think that she might be starting to notice that something is up with me, I mean I asked her what kind of stuff she was interested in the other day and now I’m bringing her food and washing her dishes. I just want to take good care of her, she’s such a sweet person, and she did feed me earlier.

I realize now that I like to cook, Spike and Target helped, but I mean I really like to cook. I like to make people say things like wow, did you do this? Because I think it shocks them when I can cook.

I guess I come off as uncultured or something, who knows. But I have natural ability for looking at things in the store and saying that they would be good together. I had help from Spike but for the most part this was me. I don’t mind cooking and even better I cleaned up when I was done.

Now for an update on the situation with Ambrosia, I was online today when she sent me and email and I went and replied pretty soon after. I would post the whole thing here, but I think it’s more of a private issue. I’m not really sure how private a person Ambrosia is, she doesn’t seem like the type but, you never know.

People are hard to read and they may surprise you, no matter how off a person seems, no one is one dimensional, there are always multiple parts to the whole. I learned that sometime back, there’s something behind everyone. There’s some motivating action there, whether it be Janus throwing and breaking my lighter that time because she’s out of her fucking mind, or a soldier killing because he fears something. People do things for a reason.

Oh, by the way, I finished Full Metal Alchemist today, it was really good, I won’t really give any details, I only do that with Evangelion because of the fact that it’s a ten year old Anime, this is hardly out yet.

Well I better get out of here, you can all thank Twinklestar for bringing back the ‘I Am Jack’s” titling system. So thanks Twinks!

The Prom Problem

Tonight was very interesting, the girl who wanted me to go to that prom with her in Houston, well I called her and she said that she had asked someone else to go with her and she was really apologetic about it, well we ended up staying on the phone for a few hours and talking.

She seems really interesting and I’m thinking about going back to Houston to see her on the weekend of the 30^th.

For all of those who didn’t know, Shinji and Janus have stopped coming to Shinji and Spike’s place, basically Spike lives there alone. Today Julia dropped by, I think they must have appreciated the still and quite of the place.

I didn’t see Marisa today, she’s really into studying now and all, I think I will make some effort to go and talk to her. It’ll be fun to just and sit and talk with her. Well I should be in bed now, if I get up early enough I can finish Fullmetal Alchemist before I go to class tomorrow!

Addendum

As a little addendum to last nights post I asked that girl out and she’s seeing someone, like I said it would be alright with me. She’s a really nice person and even better looking…The Minstrel might get his date if he goes about this the right way. I’m just glad I have the nerves I do, I may be nervous but I don’t act it.

A Name?

To start off a problem occurred to me, something that might happen with this blog in the future, I have a tendency to talk about things that are related to games and anime and since many of the names I use come from them, just be for warned anything pertaining to anime will be typed in green font and the names of people in the blog will remained the same.

Too many things happened today, and I have used various variation of the word to already in this post too much. I had a discussion with Spike about how whipped Shinji is, Shinji now has let Janus go and make rules for him. She is telling him when he can and can’t play games.

I told Spike that the only way that this would make any kind of sense was if the girl that were telling the guy what to do and bossing them around had the looks to do so. For example, Marisa, Auska, Rei, Barbie…these are girls that can boss a guy around and by default their body will have him doing whatever the hell it is they say.

Janus doesn’t have room to talk, literally, she is not in the least attractive. Back when she was nicer to all of us it made her cute, but with that gone she has nothing going for her.

With a city like this one, with as many pretty girls as this place hosts, how can you be so bad looking, have a snotty attitude and expect guys to do for you. Only problem is, for Janus this works with Shinji. He falls for it every time, and it almost makes you sad.

For those of you who don’t know, I cooked spaghetti last night and it turned out very good.

I am proud of it, and what’s best is that Auska, Marisa, The Minstrel, Spike, Kramer, Bohemian, one of Auska’s friends and I ate off the same pot of food. That’s a lot of food for a little price. I hung out with Marisa some today, she and I had a little talk about some of the issues that were going on.

The more I think about it the more I get the idea that Marisa is almost the prefect balanced person, she’s never really too far to any one extreme, except for the cuteness. And what’s best is that she can always put a smile on your face. I wish I knew what she thought of me, I wish I knew more about her. I realized just the other day that we hardly get the chance to talk about things that I would just like to know. I don’t really understand why I’m so interested in them, but I’d just like to get to know her better.

She had some of the spaghetti and she really liked it I think, I really enjoyed sitting and talking with her. We don’t get that alone to talk time anymore, someone is almost always there.

In the meantime I have some important stuff to report, two of the girls that I met last semester that live across from me seem to be single, I asked one of them to go on a date with The Minstrel because he’s too chicken-shit to do it himself. I am going to ask the other one out. She’s really pretty and has got some of the nicest legs I have seen in a while. Not to mention she seems pretty nice and down to Earth.

If the date thing goes through I will have a new character to introduce to the blog, if not, I will have to just leave her out, why go through naming someone who I didn’t even interact with.

On a smaller side note: One of Kramer’s friends asked me would I accompany her to prom, I don’t know how she looks or anything, but I do know that she seems nice enough. It will be strange and I want to have some time to think about it, I don’t want to launch myself into some shit and get fucked over.

Well I better stop this post, its gone far enough. Tomorrow it’s those girl’s numbers and we’ll see if they get named or not. I won’t even be upset if I get rejected I don’t think. I mean—I can’t go any lower than I did, I’ve picked myself up from harder, here goes nothin’….

One Date

Today has been interesting to say the least, I don’t think that I’ve had a day like this in a while and it will be a long while before I have another. Things just seemed to happen so fast and it seems like there is more going on in one day than should be allowed to fit in the time we have there.

Something did seem odd to me though, I don’t know what it was. I don’t know what it was about the things happening. Really all that happened today was a lot of idle chit chat and hanging out.

We went out to get some flowers for Auska because she was feeling bad. After that was over we came back here and time seemed to just zip by, I did a lot of writing. But one thing did happen after dinner, I marched up to the door of these girls I had met only one time before and I talked to them. I asked one of them if she would like to meet the Minstrel.

It’s funny, because I find her roommate to be really attractive, and what harm can one date do, so I think I will ask her out when I have the chance. I just can’t believe I had the guts to do that, but I guess I have more in there than I first thought. If I could just use it to tell the girl that really matters what I think.

She even came over here to hang out tonight and I couldn’t even think of what to say to her, I don’t think I want to say a word. What would I say? It doesn’t even matter, if I asked her out, one date can’t do all that much good, can it? Right, no it can’t.

Happy Birthday Rei

I know you read this thing from time to time and I just wanted to tell you Happy Birthday, I'm glad you had a good day and I hope the rest of it continues to be so.

Melting Pot

This post is kind of a melting pot, its got alot going on so try to keep up. If you haven’t read it already, this is a response to a post that Twinks made, and her post was in response to my post, Yes We Can Be Bad Too. Its funny how a lot of these posts lately have been related to one another, kind of makes you want to read these other’s people’s blogs, doesn’t it?

The thing she was saying was that her ex would always make her feel worse when she was already crying. I’m a little different, I think I don’t know how to handle the crying, but I handle it by simply trying to sit there and make sure that their taken care of. I just want them to stop crying and I will do anything they want to help out basically. It’s not really that bad, except for the fact I am almost completely at the girl’s mercy.

Hmm, that’s all I really have to say about it though.

Now onto other things, today was the celebration for Rei’s birthday and I have pictures to show off.

That one is the big group picture, got to love that.

And then there’s this, so sweet.

Well I have to continue what I was talking about now. Well before that Spike and I had a little incident with Janus and Shinji. To start the story off right though, Janus bought Shinji and X-Box. Apparently to avoid dealing with her Spike had told her he would be studying, but at the last minute plans changed and he went and took care of an eye problem and came back.

When she got the X-Box in there and found out Spike was in fact there she goes ballistic and yells at him for what she considered lying to her. So he refused to help her set the thing up and he starts just ignoring her.

Enter me, I hate X-Box with a passion, and she calls me to help her. I did it for Shinji’s sake because I still like the guy, you know. When I get there all I hear is her asking the same questions over and over; most of which I don’t know the answers to. Then she starts in with this “Do you think he will see it here?”

I was thinking of course fuck twat, it’s the biggest of the three main systems, a fucking behemoth, if you will. I damn near tripped over it. It was filling the entire room up.

When Shinji finally gets there she runs to get the door, but he knocked so Spike didn’t realize it was him and opened it, she got all mad because Spike opened the door and started whining about how she wanted to open the door. What are we, in fucking kindergarten?

So Spike and I got out of there right away and went to go get room assignments changed, and it was a good thing, he and I will be rooming together next year. There’s the end of that incident.

One more little point, Auska asked about my opinion on oral sex, at the dinner table in front of Rei, Spike and this other guy who likes her. It caught me off guard and I’m not really ready to talk about that in front of Rei. I just feel uncomfortable around her, I think it’ll be that way for a while.

I did tell her I like her new boyfriend, he’s really cool and all and like I’ve said before, as long as she’s happy I’ll be fine. I worry about Auska more these days, she just seems like there’s something missing from her life and I hope with Spike around she’s finding that. Tomorrow I have plans to cook dinner for Marisa, but I don’t know if they will go through, a lot is going on with her and I kind of feel bad trying to get her to do something like that when she’s not doing well. We’ll have to see.

If you want to hear more about my views on oral sex, check out my No Nation Army post "About That Oral Sex Thing...".

I’m out.

A Four AM Stream of Consciousness

Sometimes I think that I could be a smoker, I don’t know why, I have smoked before. It calms me down when I’m really one edge, but I’m not a smoker. I think that its kind of a social thing around here. I know it sounds like a peer pressure thing, but at the same time, you see those guys outside standing around in a circle talking and laughing.

That’s why I think that the tobacco industry doesn’t care about not being allowed to advertise on television, I mean they have the best advertising there is, people are doing it. And that’s another thing; why the FUCK does the government think they need to advertise things like state quarters or the new twenty dollar bill.

If it’s a good enough product then people will find it, no one’s out there putting up drug billboards or passing out flyers for hookers. People go out and find those things. Why the hell are you advertising money? Does that make any sense?

I mean is for buying, its not for sale, you don’t even have a choice in whether or not to take it. I mean stores and banks give it to you.

I really think that the stream is broken I shouldn’t try this shit ever again. If you’re really looking for a good read you should check out some of the blogs over to the right on the blog roll, if you’re on IE it might be down below. I have yet to figure out why some IE people have it at the bottom.

I let Kay read Lavender and Cherry Blossom, and I just thought that I should have a link posted up here. I think that for good measure I will put a section over there on the side bar that has all of my favorite posts from this blog. I know that Faulty Souls will definitely be over there, as will some of my other favs.

And now I have made that little side bar I was talking about, check it out, its damn near five, it took me so long to make it. I hope you all enjoy old entries by me, you can expect even less tact, grammar that’s not quite this good, references to games you’ll never play and anime you’ll never see, and my being a sad sappy bitch, enjoy.

Yes, We Can Be Bad Too

People who know me in real life know that I have a pretty morbid sense of humor to say the least. I really don’t have to try, I am blunt, its not that big of a problem since like any weapon or tool, I have learned to wield it. Today we were discussing Cait Sith and how he drags jokes out until they are just past dead and I said “He has a way of dragging a joke until its all its all fucked like James Byrd Junior.”

One of Kramer’s friends looks over all confused like, “Who is that?” And Spike explained that James Byrd Jr. is a man that they drug behind a truck until he died and fell apart. Well he was drug 30 miles.

When Kramer’s friend, we’ll call him Su Yung, he piped up then and said, “Over achievers, I don’t got that kind of gas to waste. I would have gonelike 25 miles and stopped." We also made fun of Kramer talking about how he was attracted to under-aged girls, I mean like Junior High girls. Then Su Yung comes in and says that Kramer should start a train to get girls ready for high school. If you don’t know what a train is, you don’t need to. But Vu called Conductor, and told me that because I didn’t want to join in I had to be the Caboose.

I also said something about us leaving Kramer in Pleasanton, if you don’t know about it, that’s one of the most racist little towns nearby and Kramer is black. I said this right in front of him as a joke. See Spike’s girlfriend’s, Julia, parent’s because they don’t like Julia dating a black guy (like Spike). They don’t know she is still seeing him and I was saying as a test we could leave Kramer in her town posing as her boyfriend, and I said we would come back in the morning to find a du-rag on a burning cross. That’s some of the most wrong shit I’ve said in the last few days.

I am so strange in that I will say shit that I would never in real life even consider doing, I’m about as bad as Doug Stanhope, I will call you a dumbass for not knowing shit I just found out two hours earlier. I will make fun of values that I hold dear, maybe there’s something wrong with me. I’ll make racist jokes against my own race, I will be openly blunt with someone just to see if I can get them to understand things that they don’t want to. It’s just another side of me.

Well in other news, I got an email from Ambrosia’s e-mail today. I really think I should have tried harder to be with her, if what I talked about up there is my bad side she extenuates a good side of me; a good, Christian, God fearing love of all men. She made me laugh and smile the same way Marisa does now.

The e-mail touched me, I can’t wait until she is back here next semester. I have to say that there are some other things going on around here, I have been noticing more and more that all of the girls here love the Minstrel, but he seems frightened to talk to ANY OF THEM, I don’t know why. I don’t even try to get it. A guy like him could rake in the girls! Oh well I better end this before it gets out of control. Kay, I don’t see how you think I’m that great…maybe I just don’t get it.

My Wit's End

Another day doing not much of anything, I spent the majority of my time with Marisa or Spike, it was fun. I never have a bad time with Marisa around, when I was heartbroken over Rei I went to her and just laid on her bed while she went about doing things. I was in shambles but I knew what to do to get better.

I think we all need a friend like that, someone that we can go to when things get hard and there’s just nothing left. When our heart is at it’s wit’s end and there seems to be no hope. I hate writing about the bad times. But they come with the good, as a matter of a fact when I think back I wish I could have been there with Marisa when she found out that her boyfriend cheated on her, just to console her, maybe I could have helped in some way.

Spike thinks its better to just let them cry, but I can’t let them cry. I don’t know how I’m going to handle that one aspect of parenting. I mean when my daughter cries my wife will almost have to come handle it, when girls cry I just feel so inadequate, I feel like I can’t do anything, but I want to do everything I can to make them feel better.

How do you get over something like that? Do you face it or do you try to tough it through? I really fall apart in those situations, do that make me some kind of wuss? Some guys can break a girl’s heart, not even trying to be mean, but just because they realize things aren’t working out for them, and when she’s crying they can just walk off like nothing happened.

I think more than anything I would be upset if I actually made a girl cry. I mean to think that I made a girl shed a tear just hurts me and I’m glad I can pretty much say that I haven’t done it in any serious way.

Well enough of that sob story, I went over to Marisa’s today, like I was talking about and her roommates computer was once again broken. Well I just felt a need to fix it, those girls need a computer. But more so for Marisa’s sake. I don’t know what it is about her lately, but I’m thinking nothing good can come from this.

Anyway, I started fixing the thing, Ad Aware did nothing, and I mean nothing. So I decided that I would run it in Safe Mode, you know that thing Windows runs in when it gets completely fucked. I get it in Safe mode, spy ware check, about 500 show up, nothing too bad really.

But then I decided that I needed to do a virus scan, so I erased their old copy of Norton and used AOL to download McAfee. It worked and I ran it, it was steady going to town while I went, and helped Marisa sign up for AIM and get Gaim her up with her first messenger.

Well while she was talking to friends and the like, and the virus scan finished. In a stunning show of incredibly im-fucking-possibly frightening turns of events I find out that the reason the computer is so slow is that there are TWO HUNDRED AND TWENTY-ONE viruses on it. I erased them all and it runs like new, well as new as a 128 MB of RAM machine can. I fell asleep to the sound of Marisa wrapping lightly on the keys and I woke up on her bed a few minutes later when she had moved around the room to bother something on the other side. I don’t know what do with myself these days, I think—well I think I’m at my wits end.

What I Realized And Happily Ever After

Right now I’m watching Chasing Amy with Marisa, she told me that she had never seen any of the Jay and Silent Bob movies, not even Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back; I told her we have to watch them. I never realized how much fun it was to hang out with Marisa. She’s been over here since like 11:00 PM with me listening to music, hanging out, just talking and stuff.

I’m going to miss having her around next year to talk to and hang out with, she’ll be gone and she’s turned out to be one of my best friends. I went from hanging out with Spike today, to hanging out with her. Surprisingly I haven’t seen Auska or Rei today, and while I did see Shinji he was acting like it was old times again, like he acted late last semester and in the very early part of this semester.

It got a little wild over here earlier tonight, Kramer had two girls come in from Katy, both of them are kind of cute. But I guess I can’t say I’m interested in either of them, I mean our new roommate had some of his friends come over and they had alcohol. I was so glad that Marisa and I were in my room.

Funny thing, she looked at me and just asked, “What would you be doing if I wasn’t here?”

I simply replied, “I’d probably writing my story and going to bed afterwards.”

I think that she doesn’t understand yet that I’m not the party kind, I will go to a certain type of party, but as far as wild drinking and the like, I don’t go for that. I’d have to say I get this funny feeling when I’m here, I mean I’m right here with her, she’s about two feet from the screen watching the movie and I have to say it makes me increasingly nervous. I don’t even think she realizes that I like her, that I still like her.

I’m tired of having to hear from Auska, Spike and other people who I should be trying to date. I know the Minstrel wants to ask her out, but now I want to, again. I really didn’t ask her out the first time. I mean I told her I liked her, but never asked her out. I don’t think I realized the difference until I got here, to this college.

On another note I had a talk with K about Happily Ever After, about the post I did and my view on it. She explained something I didn’t understand, her quote was “Happily ever after is what you make of it. Its how you deal with adversity and how you pick yourself back up. Happily ever after is being 80 years old, still with the first person you married, looking at your grandkids, and saying, I’m ready now. That’s happily ever after, living life.”

I’d have to say that she is probably right on this one and that she is most likely to most wise young woman I’ve met in a while, and I mean young woman because she doesn’t think like a child. In her mind, I think she is more mature than me. She thinks so poetically, her blog is definitely going on the blogroll, check it out.

We Rate On A Sliding Scale

Well yesterday the beautiful K graced us with her presence. I was shocked when I read up on her profile. She said some of the same things that Rei used to talk about, some of the same things I found so attractive about her. She has on there that she wants to be a mother. She speaks in the way that everyone with a blog should.

She speaks from her heart; she describes the inner workings of her heart with such great detail. And she has a very original template for her blog. (Sorry, but for some reason over the last few weeks I’ve become a template whore) I talked to her for a while she was a really sweet girl. And from reading her blog I already think that she is beyond her years.

Today was slow, nothing really happened except for the watching of Cowboy Bebop. There was an interesting little talk in the car today, about this base ten scale for deciding where a girl stands as far as how beautiful she is. A character who we’ll just call Spike asked me where Ambrosia stood on a scale of one to ten, at first I said ten.

Then I decided she was like a nine, but she is still way up there. I know this might sound kind of animalistic to rate girls like this, but at the same time, I take personality into account when I look at girls.

Oh, the Minstrel let me hear some British Rap that he had lying around, I actually kind of enjoyed the stuff. All I heard was Dizzy Rascal and The Streets, I think both of them are interesting for the sole fact that they are British. I love British accents, they're so sexy on women.

I better get gone, I’m out. K's blog is in the title, just click it.

Holy Shit, This Post Started With Lyrics

“Is that what you call a getaway, then tell me what you got away with, ‘cause I’ve seen more spine in jellyfish, I’ve seen more guts in 11 year old kids. Have another drink and drive yourself home, I hope there’s ice on all the roads and will you think of me when you forget your seatbelt and again when you head goes through the windshield.”—Brand New

Today, what to say about it. Even less happened today than normal. I think that things are starting to slow down and wind up. Oh and if you haven’t noticed I’ve taken a break from the “I Am Jack…” naming system, now its just going to be something else, we’ll have to see.

Yesterday some stuff happened that I didn’t mention and I don’t know if I should mention it even with the naming system in place. More and more I have been thinking about other things though, I have been letting my mind wander to well, something I didn’t think it would. Case in point, I had a dream last night about Ambrosia, nothing raunchy or even bad. It was just she and I hanging out, like old times. She’s the kind of person that you could really go out with and feel like there’s really something going on there. We went out, it wasn’t out as much as it was the to the Quad to sit under the stars and talk. It was really nice and she was perfectly comfortable and that was the first time I ever felt good alone with girl I was really attracted to.

The first thing I had noticed about her was the red hair, I love red hair and she had perfectly curly red hair that was so shiny and just gorgeous. After I got to talk to her I found out we had a lot in common. I liked hanging out with her after class.

I think that she is one of those people that was always pleasant to be around, never upset or rude. I will try my best to officially ask her out when she gets back here, I owe that to myself at least. Nothing serious at first, but eh.

Well I have other things to talk about, rather than going on and on about this subject, I must be boring you people. I got Devil May Cry 2 today and I have to say I actually like it, there’s nothing fatally wrong with the game, its not as good as three, but it is good. I like 3 a lot, but this will have to do for a while. I don’t have the kind of money to go blowing on games and stuff like that.

Right now I am in my room listening to music, I just got done playing with this remote desktop thing my friend helped me install. People can use my desk top across the net, its bad ass. Well I better get going, got something else I could be doing.

I Am Jack's Special Place....

All I really have to say about today is that I didn’t get too much done, a lot happened but much of it didn’t involve me in any real way. So I guess I’ll just have to wait until tomorrow, but as far as I go alone, something really strange happened, for the first time in a long time I just went somewhere and laid out on the floor with no CD player, no pen or pencil in my hand. I was there for about two hours or so.

It’s this great spot on top of the Bio-Science Building, I love it can tell that I will be going there many more times this year. It’s the perfect place to be out in nature and when I have another date I am definitely using this spot.

For those of you who have been around since near the start of this school year, you might remember me mentioning someone that I had a little bit of a crush on, she was everything I liked in another person physically, perfect in almost every way and she had a great attitude and positive outlook. We became pretty good friends, since she is entering into this whole thing after I have a fake name system in place, I will just call her by a name that I got from something I once wrote…Ambrosia.

She and I hung out some last semester and stuff, but after Christmas break I didn’t see her again. Then, I just had an urge to call someone today and I just gave her a ring and she answered. She told me that she is in Colorado right now at school just for this semester. So now I have two people to look forward to coming back, one I’ve spoken of before and Ambrosia. I can’t wait till next semester.

I spent a lot of time with Auska today, which is something really good and I even got to see someone I have yet to mention in here yet, let’s just call her Bohemian. Bohemian is one of those people that I am still getting to know and would like to know much better before this year is over.

My dad proposed an interesting question, he wanted to know if I wanted to stay here over the summer and go to class. I don’t know yet, do I?

I Am Jack's Normal Day....

What I posted earlier seemed somehow incomplete, just to let you know that I still remember what I was up last night doing until about 7 AM, I have looked over the last post, which would have been the one where I talked about the assigned names. Just so I don’t end up looking like some kind of asshole for making fun of someone’s weight problem I would like to proclaim that the person know as “The Hutt” will have their name changed to Janus, that’s right, it’s the two faced Greek God, oh fuck, I am poetic.

I had a pretty good day; it started off with me getting a shortage of sleep, which I will make up for in a few short minutes here. I think that the most fun part of the day was going to the UC and just seeing everyone I know, even Janus and Shinji showed up and despite the fact that they were there, they didn’t bother me that much. I think that for the most part what bother’s me is the fact that they come around and act like they are completely oblivious to the rest of us.

I really only went to dinner to see Auska, thinking that I would be able to sit and talk with her about how she was doing, since she does that with me so often. I went down there thinking that this would be my chance to catch up with Auska. I don’t get many chances like that.

But when she showed up, Rei was with her, I didn’t expect her to be there too, when I had gone down to the bookstore I had only seen Auska working. I thought that on some off chance she had just taken the day off. I see a lot less of Rei than I used to, and I miss hanging out with her, I miss hanging out with Auska. It seems that I hang out with Darius and the Minstrel more and more these days.

It feels good to be surrounded with friends sometimes, but it also feels good to just know that you can sit with someone one on one and just talk to them. It feels liberating to learn new things about people, to see different sides of them. And while I feel that I have seen far too many sides of Janus, I could stand to see many more of some people around here.

Dinner was fun, pleasant and I felt fulfilled by what was going on. It was so funny how we were sitting at the table, I had been there since five, and it was about six thirty when this happened, but Rei and Auska started telling me I should eat something and that I never eat enough. One good thing is that I went with Darius earlier, because if not I wouldn’t have been able to eat.

That’s just the thing; I can’t tell Rei that she makes me nervous still, even now with the whole just friends thing. I’m just so nervous that I’ll fuck up when I’m around her, that I’ll mess something up. I can’t eat when I’m nervous, and yes I still eat because she’s hardly at dinner with me and you don’t get to look like I look by not eating. I assure everyone who reads this blog that I more than take care of myself in the food department.

That’s one thing that there is no need to worry about me over, is me eating my food. I will take care of it, even if I don’t eat at the table I will go back home and eat something. The other day at the Carabbas I didn’t eat because I didn’t have money and I didn’t want to spend Auska’s. I already owe so much to her, she has been really nice to me and I don’t think that I could show her how much I really care.

There was another interesting development today, I sat and ate with someone that I have yet to mention in the blog yet, lets just call her Target. I sat and talked with Target and asked her about what Janus said about her, the information I had was that Target was so mad at Darius and I for not liking Cait Sith.

Target told us that she didn’t say anything of the sort and now we know just one more thing that Janus has lied about. She’s two faced, she’s only out to cover her own ass. And I know someday that she’ll be exposed for it.

I Am Jack's Second Amendment Rights...

I Am Jack As He Plays Off The Crack In The Sky...

So far here are the names that I will use to describe people; Auska, Darius, The Hutt, Shinji, Rei, The Minstrel, Kramer, Barbie, Marisa, Gluttony, The Director and Cait Sith. I’m not going to do anything assheaded like go back and change the names of every one in every post, if you can tell where these names came from and you know the person they apply to then it shouldn’t be too hard to figure it out.

I mean some of them are obvious at times, but this is what it has come to, it has come to me turning things inside out, and I’m not even sure I will keep them this way. It might be too much extra work.

Now on to you’re scheduled blog entry, already in progress…

Have you ever heard a song dozens of times, and then because of the recent events that you have been in, you finally really hear that song as if you’re hearing it for the first time?

Well I did that with “Play Crack The Sky” by Brand New. I mean this lyrics so apply to my in some ways. From the very start I think ‘this is what its like to have these feelings’. I mean look at this.

We sent out the s.o.s. call.
It was a quarter past four in the morning when the storm broke our second anchor line.
Four months at sea, four months of calm seas to be pounded in the shallows off the tip Of montauk point.
They call them rogues; they travel fast and alone--
One-hundred-foot faces of God's good ocean gone wrong.
What they call love is a risk, 'cause you'll always get hit out of nowhere by some wave
And end up on your own.

Is life really about risk like this, is this what’s really happening when you start to fall for someone.? How many emotions can claim to have the power of this one, how many can just over take you’re life and sink everything you know.

Hit out of nowhere… Amanda talked about this the other day, she said that she was hit out of nowhere when this guy opened the door for her, she said that she was just slipping into love and it continued for the rest of the night.

Is that kind of loss of control a good thing? Do we like it? Can we take it? When you like to be in control would you want to be like a small ship at the mercy of a large ocean?

A hole in the hull defied the crew's attempts to bail us out.
It flooded the engine and radio and half-buried bow.
Your tongue is a rudder.
It steers the whole ship, sends your words past your lips, or keeps them safe behind your Teeth.
But the wrong words will strand you, come off-course while you sleep, sweep your boat
Out to sea or dashed to bits on the reef.
The vessel groans; the ocean pressures its frame.
To the port I see the lighthouse through the sleet and the rain.
And I wish for one more day to give my love and repay debts, but the morning finds our Bodies washed up thirty miles west.
They say that the captain stays fast with the ship through still and storm.
But this ain't the Dakota; the water's cold. (so cold.)
Won't have to fight for long.

Can you really fight against who you fall for? Can you really just stop yourself from ending up like this ship, going down with a crew that’s fighting to keep you afloat. Does our tongue really hide words safely behind our teeth. Our tongue can sink or save the ship, just like the rudder, can’t it. It can steer us right into someone’s heart or it can dash you on the coastline of some forgotten isle and leave you stranded.

If you do try to resist the feels just pressure your hull until you can no longer take it. Its hard to resist for too long. And the Captain stays with the ship as it goes down, the band plays on—but this isn’t the Dakota, this ship won’t come home battle scared, but ready to fight another day. This is the ships last voyage. And its hard to tell if it was for the best or the worst.

It’s hard to tell if you really needed to just give up and let it go down, or if you needed to fight against the current. Sometimes life is just as bad as can be and it pulls you in any way it sees fit. Sometimes love is more dangerous than Quicksand, it will pull you under and the more you struggle the faster you sink, the faster you realize that the struggle was in vain, because you really wanted to sink in the first place. And you only struggled to speed up the process.

I Am Jack's View On What Women Want....

“I just wanted to destroy something beautiful.”

I just love that line from the movie Fight Club, it is fast becoming one of my favorite movies of all time! And speaking of beautiful things, I was watching the movie What Women Want and I just wish I could have some kind of power like that. It would be a life saver in a pinch, to know just what to say, what to do.

I’m starting to think that I’m really bad with girls, no matter what I would like to think. But I was thinking that they should have used Marisa Tomei as the lead role instead of Helen Hunt, she just seems to…unnatural, Tomei is a much better actress if you ask me, and she’s probably one of the most beautiful women in Hollywood.

I’ve loved how she looked every since way back when in My Cousin Vinny!

And even Judy Greer did it for me in this movie.

They did pick some really beautiful women for this, I just don’t think that Helen Hunt was really the right choice.

I Am Jack's Question of Witness Protection

I have an essay to write that I have been putting off forever now, I am starting to hate writing these things because the teacher is just so unsavory that she makes writing a fucking chore. The more I think about it, the more I realize that life is getting to be a little bit easier around here in every way that doesn’t, couldn’t involve school.

A while back I was talking to Rickey about bring his blog back, he’s a very good writer and his talent is being squandered on nothing right now, I mean sure he writes the occasional poem, but he needs to get back out there in the forefront, and blogs are just how we can do that.

If I really wanted to I could go back and post his blog and hand the account over to him and ask him to do what he wants. I mean I have all of the entries with dates and such. I mean they are well worth posting, they show a guy going through a lot to get a girl, a testament to something real.

I was thinking about this blog and how much it talks about people I know and how I have it wide open there on thefacebook for anyone who wants to see to just come on in. So that kind of got me thinking about just writing names of people in code, like having a code name for some people, or even all of them. I don’t know if it would make a difference.

Rickey did that with his blog and it was because of the kind of attention that it attracted, but knowing what I know about his life now I see why he did it even more. Well I don’t personally care too much about what those people who might read this shit and get offended care about me, but I don’t want to see any of my friends here hurt because of something I said online.

I would hate to see something like that used to damage a friendship, even if it was just said in a passing kind of way. And one of the people involved is very sneaky and cunning so I am considering this in a serious way. Should I do it or not, will you people even reply to this post?

Not like it matters too much, I will just have to decide this on my own when it comes right down to it. But before I got I was going to urge you to check out Misadventures Of A Silly Girl (Volume One) by Amanda. Also take a look at her picture, it’s a little hard to see because of the lighting but she’s really pretty. Hooray for pretty girls with blogs, she, Twinklestar and I should start a blogring, we’ve been passing around comments like they’re a joint and we’re three Junior High kids. Well I’m out of ideas and out of here.

Do You Have Comrade?

[EDIT] This is from Rickey's birthday yesterday.

From right to left: Brenton, Nicole, Eddie, Desiree, Me, Ruth, Rickey, Robbie and Jamie.

I Am Jack's Application For A Trophy Wife...

It would seem like we all have growing up to do. Some of us more than others. Many people around here are just boys or girls, undecided in what they really want to become, what they can become, I’m not saying what they can become in the sense of a job, but in a sense of potential as a human being.

Some of the girls live with fairytale mentality of happily ever after, and I talked about this in the other post. Many of the men harbor dreams of becoming sports stars and that whole thing about getting a trophy wife.

One of the best memories I have of Junior High School is what one boy said near the end of school while we were in a class that was set up to prepare us for high school. The teacher asked all of us what we envisioned having and being in the fifteen years. Well by that time you would roughly be on the verge of turning thirty, so that’s a good deal away.

I remember I just said a simple house in the suburbs and a wife and kids. Most of the girls and guys said that same thing; very few had overly exaggerated aspirations. Maybe it was the fact that we lived in fucking Manvel, Texas that kept them from thinking any further outside of reality.

But there was this one guy, his name was Denis, he was one of those guys who probably went on to be a football star and fuck all the cheerleaders in high school. I don’t know, I wasn’t there after Junior High. But that would be a safe bet to make. He said that his dream was to be rich, he didn’t specify doing what, and to have a trophy wife.

Keep in mind our teacher is a female, which means that this kind of shit had to offend her on some level. Trophy wife, if you don’t know what that means ladies and fellas out there, it means that he will have one of those dolled up, plastic surgery made, wives, most likely a blonde, who will be his arm candy, just something for him to drag around him and show off to his associates.

And what the fuck is he planning to do to make all of this money, to warrant the trophy wife? Sure she knows she’s a trophy, but she also knows that when the money is gone she can have her pick of the next guy who has some money to throw at her.

I will never forget that, trophy wife, I guess in some aspects that’s all anyone wants, but I think that when I say trophy wife, I mean it in a way that is so respectful that any girl would be happy to hear it. My idea of a trophy wife, is one that is a real trophy, one that has brains as well as beauty. Can hold a conversation and that I really love and care about.

She’s someone who I might have had to go through a lot of hell to win over and my reward is having her right there by my side through thick and thin, good and bad. Having her there to talk to when things get bad, share in the good things with, console through the bad things, and even have her console me if it need be.

I know I’m a little young to worry about this kind of shit, and it may be sappy, but fuck you; a guy can dream can’t he?

I Am Jack’s Happily Ever After…

While I should be trying to get some writing done, get some sleep, I am up fucking around with this thing again. I didn’t do much of anything today; I definitely didn’t do what I needed to do. And I didn’t get to do much of what I wanted. Things about that whole issue with last night about how Rickey and I should be nice to CJ rubbed me the wrong way.

Nicole called us in to talk about the whole situation and then she turned and told Jamie how it was Rickey and I that sat around and bitched for two and a half hours. I didn’t sit there and bitch, I told you my gripes and I stand by them.

I think that if we’re going to do this whole group meeting thing, lets do it right. Let’s get everyone CJ has wronged and see how they sway the opinion. If this doesn’t get to happen then hopefully I will not have to deal with CJ anymore for the rest of this year or my life for that matter.

And I don’t want to devout a whole post to the asshole so I’ll stop there. I have been thinking a lot lately. Things that are going on just seem a little more distant than they used to, then I think of what I now know, I think of what I know about people and the general things they do.

I want to say that most of the women I have come across in my life have been irrational, when they are rational I don’t know what it is that causes them to be that way. Most of the men I have met are really mean. I think that the only way for a male to become appreciative is for one of those irrational females to make him feel like dirt and walk on him.

As far as females go, they become rational when some dickhead male is really bad to them. They break down, pick up the pieces and become a better person. Now this is not always true, Julie, for instance was born rational, she hasn’t had to go through unusually deep pain but she is a great person.

I’m not taking a shot at the women here; I think that there is something wrong with society that makes people be this way. I think women are the way they are partly because from a young age we fill our daughters’ heads with bullshit. We teach them about Love and they hear all of those Fairy Tales, like Cinderella or Sleeping Beauty. For the most part, the Prince isn’t going to marry the peasant girl; he’s going to take the big breasted, rich trophy woman. And as for Sleeping Beauty, no one is going to chase down the Narcoleptic woman just because they heard legends about her.

Fairy tales teach young girls that everything will be ‘Happily Ever After’, as much as I will love my wife when I have one, and want her to be nothing but happy, hope that she wakes with a smile every morning, and goes to sleep with that same smile not letting it leave her face for one moment of the day, I know that its not possible.

People have bad days, there are going to be times when she and I will argue. You take that vow ‘…for better or for worse’. I remember the other day in the car Rickey was talking to someone on the phone, it might have been Jamie, Ruth or John and he said “I would rather not get married than get divorced.”

People can’t even imagine that, they think that things should never be thought out. And yes it is okay to be spontaneous, but before you get married you need the check the fine print, because nowhere in there are you promised Happily Ever After, I mean fuck, we’re not promised tomorrow, this could be the last day on Earth for any one of us, it could be the last day that the Earth exists.

You have to try and work with what you have you’ve got to realize that maybe there’s not someone out there for us all, maybe you have to get off your ass and go find someone. Maybe they are out there, but you’re just that unlucky bastard who has the one that (well lets put this in a way all the nerds can understand) missed his/her windows update and is running one version behind.

She or he might need a little push in the right direction or need some help, don’t get discouraged, don’t go out and kill yourself. People think that if they can’t live everyday as a happy one that they shouldn’t have to live at all, that’s not how it works, we can’t all have a good day.

Fuck the ‘Happily Ever After’ where’s the excitement in that, give me ‘_____ Ever After’, the unexpected, the unknown, these are what make life exciting, these are what make life worth living.

I Am Jack's Exhaustive Disregard For Breasts and Blondes....

I will be the first to tell you that I can be the nicest guy when the mood presents itself. There are those out there who I show infinite patience in dealing with them for the simple fact that I really care about their feelings and feel that I need to look out for them. Call me a worrier, but I just am that way.

At the same time I don’t have much time to deal with some people, there are those out there who seem to think that I will bend over backwards and let them walk all over me at the same time.

There was some point in time earlier this semester when something snapped in my head, call it a moment of clarity, call it growing up, or even call it one of the other things that I’ve heard it called. But for some reason I started to let myself be walked on more and more. I let anyone get away with anything. And this is not really like me.

But there is still that point I can be pushed to when I am so angry that I just have to say something back, and I have to lash out and I did that a few weeks ago. So if that was me holding my tongue and not saying all that I wanted to, if I was waiting until the last possible time that I could take it to say something, if I was trying to be the bigger man, why am I being punished.

It’s all besides the point, I don’t care much about it in the first place. There is something that has been on my mind. For the last several weeks there has been this thing about how all of the girls I have liked have had big boobs. Now I don’t really think this is a fair assumption.

I have only actively pursued two girls here that fit that criteria, like I have said before, I think legs are the most physically attractive part of a woman. I even told Jamie today that I thought that out of all of the girls I know she has the best looking legs. Its not hitting on her, it’s the honest truth.

So what did she do? She brought up the boob thing, and I’ve heard her say this for the last two and a half months. She is the poster child for this, their little spokesman, even Desiree said today that they should start a ‘Justin likes big boob club’, not that it would matter that I do, because I would join the thriving majority of men that salivate over any breasts of exceptional size.

But that’s just not for me, I have long defended my stance on how I don’t see why men love them so much and I will stick to it. I think that in the case of Desiree she sees this as a way to get back at me for picking on her little boots.

Rickey seems to think that it’s a subconscious thing, I don’t even think that, I just think that it’s a matter of chance. I mean I think Mandi is very pretty, and she’s doesn’t have big boobs, she’s normal sized and the rest of her is tiny. And as for past cases that sway this whole thing in my favor, Marie, I had a huge crush on Marie in high school, she didn’t have a breast to her name.

Alaina had normal sized ones, but what made Alaina so good looking was the long dark hair and her butt. Not to mention there was absolutely nothing wrong with the rest of the girl except a lack of confidence. Even Lindsay Lohan, whom if you know anything I consider so gorgeous, has a normal sized bust. So this is for John and Jamie, who led this little crusade. It’s over let it go.

What sparked the conversation today with Desiree in which she said that was something that Hannah said to me at the table that pissed me off. I commented on a girl being attractive, this was after Lauren showed up and Desiree was gone. The girl I commented on was damn attractive. She was a brunette with really nice legs. And I told Rickey, “Hey, that girl is really pretty.”

It’s a little game we play basically, we talk about how pretty a girl is. Not once have I ever jumped out over the table, slobbered all over and yelled, “Damn I want to tap that shit!”

Because I don’t think that I would just fuck some girl on a basis of looks, and I don’t believe in expressing attraction that way. So what I’m different, I do what I think is right. When I see a guy spot a girl he’s never met and he makes some comment about how he wants to fuck her brains out I think that it doesn’t make sense, you don’t even know her name.

Now its different when you go, “Oh, I just want to get to know her, then I could maybe date her.” I mean granted this is all based on not having talked to them, just seeing them.

So when I see this girl, the brunette and make my comment, Hannah goes, “You’ll just chase anything little and blonde.”

Hold the trolley train bitch, because that’s a fucked up statement. I have said before that I think blondes are overrated. Blondes don’t do it better, blondes take too much fucking credit. I’m not attracted to blondes on a basis of looks. I am not saying I couldn’t like a blonde, but I am saying I wouldn’t base me liking them on the fact that they are blonde.

So the dumb twat was already in the wrong. And second off, I love redheads, the first girl I tried for when I got here, Ashley was a redhead, a gorgeous redhead. And there was nothing, short or blonde about her. And just for good measure her boobs were small too. She was a bit goofy at times, but nothing too bad, we just lost touch.

So I feel I have to do this, to save myself the trouble late. I am making another list, the things I find most attractive physically, because confidence goes a long way. I think that more than anything that’s what made me think Laura was so cool, her confidence made her that much more physically attractive.

1. Legs, of course I said this already
2. Red hair, I love red hair!
3. Green or blue eyes, I think green is better, but blue is up there. Also, rarer hazel and purple (the purple is ultra rare but this one gorgeous girl had it)
4. Long, straight hair.
5. Freckles, especially when they are right on the top of the cheeks, under the eyes (on either side of the nose)
6. Dimples, if Mandi is reading this, she’ll know why I talk about her dimples so much.
7. Lips, I can’t even describe this, there’s something about a certain type of lip.
8. Smooth arms
9. Smell is physical, there’s nothing better than when a girl can stand ten feet away and before you see her she just smells beautiful.
10. This might sound crazy, because I can’t even describe it, but there’s this certain way the midriff looks that’s just really nice.

Well that is my list, and now that I have told the ten things I like, I can rest knowing that you people know you were wrong. No where on there does it say big boobed, blonde, Barbie Doll types. Can’t believe you made me write a post this fucking long! I’m out…

I Am Jack's Half-Assed List...

Wow, its after six and I am up writing in this shit, I am going to be wasted tomorrow. But I just got in from washing clothes with Eddie and Brandon. I guess that I have a lot to report now. I had a long talk with Rickey and then had a long one with Jamie. Both of them told me tow things I should do, the same two things. One of them I am going to, the other I am not.

I think I’m about ready to try something a little more risky now, but I know when its time to stop.

Its nothing all that big, so I’ll just move on from it. I wanted to say thanks to Twinklestar for actually writing about my post “Sorry Folks, Jack Had to Step Out for a While” she wrote this little bit on Love. I was proud to have someone directly responding to what I wrote, it’s a good feeling.

Part of Twinklestar's post was this list, five critera for Love as she sees it.

I've had the recent opportunity to get involved with my ex again and after some thought I have come to realise I don't need him and all his baggage in my life again. Our relationship was like dancing on a cliff, whenever I thought I was about to fall over the edge he would only then say or do something to pull me back. I want more than that out of a relationship, I know what I want and have devised these 5 criteria:

1st criterion - be open and honest with me, if you want me to love all of you I can only do so if you allow me to get to know all of you and ditto for me
2nd criterion - don't open your bag and try to dress me in your clothes, they will never fit me and I don't like playing dress up! I realise that at some point we all try to unconsciously force our own opinions and ideals on others but please at least try and refrain from doing this!
3rd criterion - share in at least a few of my passions and I will gladly explore some of yours and I expect the same from you
4th criterion - don't be afraid to show your love and feelings for me, if you don't I will never know how you really feel and I won't stick around waiting to find out forever
5th criterion - want the same things out of life as me, it doesn't matter where you came from or where you've been just as long we want to end up in the same place and we can make the journey together.

In response I have to say this. I really don’t know how much I know about love. I have a good idea what it is but I don’t think I can say much because its never reciprocated. What I can say is this, I feel like I am where I need to be for a relationship. Whether or not I can say much more is up in the air. I’m not going to write about what I would like to find in another person to love, because I should be out trying to find someone just to have fun with maybe.

So I will write just a few things down, maybe I will use the rule of three, remember these aren’t for a deep love relationship, this is just like a dating type thing.

1. Tell me what you’re feeling, don’t hide things from me and speak openly. I don’t really get mad about much and there’s nothing that needs to be hidden.
2. Don’t expect me to jump at your every command, I really don’t do this with anyone and if I don’t want to do something, don’t try to force me. I wouldn’t force things on you.
3. Please don’t think that I’m mad at you just because I’m not smiling, I’m rarely mad and when I am I just don’t do or say anything.

These are pretty simple things, I think that they aren’t even things that should only apply to dating. They should apply to most types of things, friends, family and other interpersonal relationships.

Like I said, though, the three things listed above have nothing to do with love, at this point I shouldn’t probably be looking for love. Katherine said this and I think she was right. It’s funny how a girl says something and I almost automatically listen to them, and when Rickey says the same I doubt it or something. I think that I am just more inclined to listen to women. I’m doomed to be bossed around the rest of my life.