Atheist Agenda

It's no secret that I like to hang out in internet forums. And the really funny thing is in the last three years or so they have become less nerdy. There are normal people in there from time to time, girls that have lives and actually look like they have social ability. Guys who can talk about more than games and anime.

I love most of the aspects of a forum, think chat room, but more slow paced. Debates in them take longer, but are more well thought out, with people pulling up reference websites and the like. But with this increase in people that are more socially acceptable there has also been an increase in the number of atheists in the forums.

Now I have nothing against most atheist, they believe what is their choice. Even if its not what I choose to believe, that's their business. The problem I have is this is people like the ones here. Why is it they feel the need to go around bashing us or pull stuff like this Smut for Smut. It just pisses me off people can at like that sometimes.

False Prophets and Fear

I'm very worried about a friend, I just feel that there is a lot going on in her life and she needs someone to talk to, I feel like she needs a shoulder to cry on. I don't know what to do about it because she's too far away. I'm here, she's there and I just want to see her back to her old self again. I know at the age she is things can get rough, times can get unsure. I mean I know I went through it too.

I hope she finds her soliace, I hope she finds what she needs to get through all of this, because I really want her to, I really want to see all of my friends get through the things thatb other them.

And then something else has been on my mind a lot, something that I have been thinking of for the last month or so, I think I even said part of it the other day somewhere on here, but it stands to be said again. And yes I got it from that video on my profile: A far off memory that's like a scattered dream, a scattered dream that's like a far off memory. I want to put the peices together—yours and mine. There are a lot of things left to think over, and even more left to do before I can even take the time to think.

I went to Church with Heather earlier tonight, well last night, its morning now. And there were a lot of things said there, some I agreed with and others I disagreed with. I think that goes for almost anything said. But one thing stuck with more than the others. It was about the friends you pick, and it wasn't even most of the stuff that the guy said, it was about one line. He said something in the area of, If you have a friend that that's leading you in the wrong direction then run, get out of there. Now I think that sometimes we have friends that can have the wrong ideas, but they need helping, but then he went on to say I only have about three men that I let influence what I do that much...

My freshmen year of college I practically lived and died for what one of my friend's said, I thought that he was going to be the thing that brought me closer to what I wanted to be, closer to God, closer to finding a girlfriend, closer to being a good student. I was so stupid, I was so stupid that it took almost a year after that for me to realize how stupid I really was. You know how they say there will be false prophets, I was dealing with the worst kind. And let me be the first to tell you, they don't come at you head on, you're all used to your enemies doing that.

But the worse kind of enemy comes at you from the side, they get right up next to you with that Chesire smile and they'll act friendly. They get in your head and they know your whims, they know how to make or break you. I know that even now there is something that someone like this could get at me through, several things. But this person, never again, I will keep them in my front. My eyes watching them closer than an old man in a retirement home watches the young nurse. I'll keep him close to my front, so he can't make a move without me seeing him. At your side they can move in your footsteps, make their way around you undetected. In the front there's nothing they can do but be watched.

The other thing going on is I need to find a new job, fast, see I have pretty much set myself up to get fired from my job, I don't want to be there anymore, I don't like it there one bit. They really treat me as bad as you can treat a person without physically harming them. They don't behave at all in a professional manner, which is what I thought things were supposed to be like. But nothing is ever the way it should be right? I want to get out of that place while I can, I doubt they're going to want to give me my next pay check or the money they owe me for the bounced checks.

And I should have listened to my brother Jeff, not the one who got me the job, the other one, when he said that this whole thing was a bad idea. Part of me knows going home for summer would have been the best bet. But now I am here and I am kind of glad that I stayed, actually I am very glad, at least one really good thing came out of it. And right now I need more good in my life. Today a lot changed, I lost fear, and I think that somewhere between telling my supervisior whatever and writing something out to send to someone that I needed to see more than I think they did, I realized: I won't get a fucking thing done sitting on my hands.

Scattered Update

I know it has been a while since I wrote a proper blog entry, I know it and every time that I sit down and think, that's what I should be doing, I never do it. There's always drawing or writing the story or something else like that gets in my head. I know none of those a bad things, hell they are things I should be doing. But I should also be keeping things constant in here.

As I said hours ago, before going to sleep, I finally finished my Kingdom Hearts game, although I might finish doing some of the extra stuff just to see it done.

I have a lot of plans for the next few days and weeks, but most of them I don't have time to talk about right now, or just can't. You never know who might be listening!

Dance, Water, Dance.

I beat Kingdom Hearts 2, I am very pleased with the ending but I shall not bore you with the details.

Wait and See

A lot has happened in the last few weeks, its sad how much you learn and how much things change when you have a job, when you are seperated from a lot of the things you love and when you don't have nearly as much free time. As soon as I get back to UTSA, I am done with work until I get out. Unless I can get a job I actually want, or some temporary shit. Like I would work a few nights a week, but I can't have this whole any time they call me up stuff, because they think that I don't have stuff planned on my day off.

So it just so happens that I have been doing actual art and writing recently, there have been so many ideas flooding through my head that I can't help but get them all down.

For those of you who saw the thing about the suicide earlier, my friend survived thank God, she threw all of the pills up. I was really worried because it hits home for me. It makes me think of how much some people can just not care about someone else and it makes me realize that people aren't honorable or reliable. Yesterday I wrote how I didn't believe in soulmates or whatever.

This is just one more reason not to, when you sit there and think some person was made for you, it makes you not see what else is out there. Now I don't mean always be on the look out for the bigger better thing, but if someone can't love you back, if they can't care for you or be nice to you, then kick their ass to the curb.

I love any of my friends too much to make them feel like they don't have someone who at least cares about them, everyone deserves at least friendly love, right? So now, I really am trying to get better at talking to girls, I'll have to just see how this goes.

The Price

Fed up and tired, I had a lot of fun today, but fun comes with a price. And here's the deal; I go out with my friends, we have all kinds of fun. We talk about any and everything, no topic is taboo. But then when I look around and think about it, I feel pretty lonely most of the time. Its not the apartment here alone, fuck I could care less about living alone. But its just being alone. I try to talk to girls, I try just to be confident and to get out there and make something happen.

See I don't believe in destiny, its something for storybooks and Role Playing Games, and I don't believe in one person for everyone. I think that you just get out there and you find someone compatable, or you don't. But we agree that you have to try. There is no one, this is not the Matrix. Like I said, you just have people and people compatable with all of those people.

I can't do the things I feel like doing, I can't talk to girls the way I want or in any way for that matter. I feel sad because I know a girl I really like and I don't even want to go there. And I know the kind of girls I like, to tell the truth I can usually look at a person and tell a lot about them. Its not really reading a book by its cover, its taking the book, observing it, watching the types of books its neaby in the library, maybe even getting close enough to read the back...is that enough metaphor for you?

When I see a girl in public and I want to talk to them, its not about getting laid, I don't give a fuck about sex in the sense that its not all that important and its not a first step to any good relationship. Its just about getting to know them, and that might sound like shit or something to some of you, but I really don't care. In fact, I am way past caring. See I cared back when I used to sit there and rake myself over because I would think that some girl was perfect for me, and when I would just try to be friends with them, try to get to know them they throw it in my face.

The truth is, I'm not meant for the dating scene, no girls I know want to meet guys like me and when they do happen to like me, its in a friendly way. And it hurts because I get to sit there and feel alone at a table full of people who have someone or had someone for a long time. And what do I have, my one month of a long distance relationship and no experince in any thing. I feel like I'm a little league guy in some kind of universe wide major league. I don't like it, I don't like existing like this without any real way to even talk to someone and just becoming this nervous wreck at any sign of...anything.

A lot of my female friends try to help, I know at some point Heather did, Tarin does all of the time, and yeah its sad to have people trying to help you. But it feels bad to always be alone, or to have no first hand experince to talk about when someone brings up relationships. I can say something about most subjects, but that one...I don't really know a damn thing. Once again, I don't mean sex, I mean EVERYTHING. Really if I had a girl to do nothing but sit and talk with, share things with, that would probably be enough for now. But I don't really have anything at this point, I have my friends and yeah, that's it. Some would say that's enough.

But even then all my friends, for the most part, not all, but most of them have someone...and then that leaves me. So here's to me on the ragged edge.

EDIT: A good friend of mine just left a suicide note in her blog. She tried to kill herself over some asshole guy who treated her like shit in the first place. Fuck people, I mean really fuck them, if you can treat someone who loves you like trash then you deserve to burn in Hell, its worse than anything else you can do because that person actually loved you and you did this to them, treated them like they were nothing more than invisible and untouchable. I hope her boyfriend feels this every day and it eats at him, I hope it drives him insane to know what he caused.

EDIT 2: The good thing is my friend is okay, I still think this guy needs to have a big eye opener, he needs to learn what a good thing is and when not to fuck it up.

Lovely...

I love it when I have a friend and all they can seem to do is ignore me and forget me, it feels really good.

Fuck That Name...

I talked to a girl today who shared her name with another girl, a girl who has become notorious as far as I am concerned for lying and being a total waste of my time. Someone who should have never met me, someone I should have never met. I feel used when I think about this and even though this other girl seems pretty cool and even sencere I can't get over ther person who came before her. The person who walked all over the friendship I offered and spit it back in my face by lying about me.

More than ever I just say fuck her. She's not worth it and she wasn't even the first to do this, but she lied the most, spread more rumors and made more people think I was something I am not. Now when I think about her, I don't think of a friend that I lost in a misunderstanding, I think of the girl who had all of the friendship she needed and caring she could have asked for and she decided that it would be better to throw it all in my face, walk away and then lie about me to others. Then tell me she had been lying to me about how she felt all along, that she didn't want my around, that it was always me who wanted to be there.

Its bad when you leave a mark so bad that the next person who comes along and shares that name has to have it taken out on them.

But Why is the Rum Gone?

Had a long talk with Heather last night, and had one of those moments where you know there's someone up there looking out for you after that. Right now I am trying to decided write or draw and preparing to go out with friends. I might even go see PoTC again. It has been a good last few days. Here's to the summer.

Where Did I Go?

Sorry for the lack of blog yesterday, I went to go see Pirates of the Carribeian 2 with my friend Heather and it was great. After the movie I ended up getting sick and even missing work. But the movie was well worth getting sick for. I loved it and I thought that it greatly expanded on the first one. There were some times that it could get a little confusing, it confused Heather some I remember, but that might just be because she went to the bathroom when half of the stuff was explained.

The whole me being sick thing seems to hve got me in trouble at work, I called in and they told me I would need a note. Well their problem, I'm not going to get a note when I am throwing up from bad food, I came back here and slept between periods of throwing up.

I am getting fed up with the job really and I am appling at some other places, one of them is the place where Persephanie works, one of the others was this little pizza place, and even still another is Best Buy. I just need to get to some job where the hours are better and the people don't treat me like shit just because they think they can. I am trying now. I really am.

Well I really need to get going, so I can do something besides blog all night, I'll be back tomorrow morning maybe.

And to Yara, congradulations on the year of having a blog now. I am so proud of you! You've really taken to it hard, more so than me, keep up the good work!

Looking Back On Today

Who would have thought, in just one more month and one day this blog will be two years old. I have a hard time believing that I have stuck with anyone thing this long. But its special to say that. I always joked that I would stop this blog when I got married, the night after I got married. I don't know why I say that, because really there's nothing more interesting sometimes than the stuff that happens between couples.

And men, being the destructive and stupid force that we are have a tendancy to do dumb shit,I think this blog will only start to get interesting after I get married. Right?

But I could sit here and talk about the furture for a long time, that's a long ways away. But what I can say right now, is that this blog has helped me to make new friends and helped me through some hard times. I hope that I get many more good things out of this, and I bring something to others too.

Just So Long As This Thing's Loaded

Why can't I feel anything for anyone other than you?

That question is really previlant in my life right now, and you; you might know who you are. And that's what I'm scared of.

And will you tell all your friends you've got your gun to my head.

I Think God Can Explain

Entirely too hard for me to do any of this stuff, right? People give up too easily on things sometimes; people want to tak an easier way out. We all want that path of least resistance. So many things that we want to do, that we force ourselves into are much harder than we first expect so we back out of them. Anything we could want at all could turn out to be more of a challenge than we initially think. That's just the way life goes. I think that for the most part, many of the things that I wanted before, I realize now that I don't want.

I wanted them be cause I thought I needed. I really can't explain all of this better than that. I guess that when we are at our lonliest we have the most time to reflect and think about what we really want. I used to get really lonely where I was living before, I mean I was alone in my room most of the day, alone at work most of the night. What else can you say?

Now I realize that I'm not going to have to be alone anymore all of the time, I am near friends, and near other people that I could make friends with. But the fact still remains I want someone I can hang out with on a regular basis, someone to just talk to and to be around. Its hard to find that, I used to have it because well we were all couped up there at the school.

Even the people that are here with me, Heather, Brandon, Greg, Persephanie and some others, they are harder and harder to get hold of and we all work and have things to do, commitments to meet and the like. It gets hard to coordinate something when we all work different days at different times and just a week back I lived thirty miles from anyone.

To tell the trut I had no idea it was that fucking far! I thought I was much closer than that to tell the truth. None of it matters now, all that there is to say is that there's somethings out there I really want, I really want to do, and not just that...things I need to do too. And I am trying increasingly harder to do them. It just takes time, I can't even explain it. I don't think anyone can...except maybe God.

Bounce

Did you know I moved yet? Well if not, I have.

Things are better this way, I like it here and I feel like I finally have space to be responsible for my own actions and to learn things.

Today I learned that it is wise to keep up with your bank statements; I learned that no one can be forced to tell you what they do with your money.

Allow me to explain, the company I work for issued me pay for last week on the twenty third of June, a Friday. I cashed the check Monday and it fucking bounced.

So now I have fraudulent charges on my account because I wrote hot checks not knowing it. And the man at the bank says, I bet you'll quit that company. He says, The young man in here didn't even know what was going on?

I hate where I work...

I'm embarassed that something like this could even happen, I guess that's the Price you pay.