My Fantasy

There is something different about the way we act after we've had a disturbing dream, or not really disturbing, but just anything unnerving. Last night I had a dirty dream about a friend that I don't want to think about like that? When its someone you see as higher above you, someone you could never see dating you. Why does it feel so bad? You know that its just a mindless fantasy, and that they would never do those kings of things with you.

Most of the time you know that even if you were with them, that they wouldn't be the kind of person you would see saying and doing those kinds of things. In the dream the person, let's just call her Emma, was saying all kinds of things that I don't even like to think now for reasons of my own sanity. But one of the things that she said was that she had always wanted it this way. And that she would squeeze me between her legs until I pop.

I really hate having these kinds of dreams, they always make me feel uncomfortable, and I don't even know if I will be able to look at this girl the same way again.

Adjustment

It has been far too long since I last typed one of these and I feel like there is something really wrong when I don't come back to one of the things that I have been doing the longest consistently on the internet, my blog. I make sure that I keep everyone udated as to what is going on in my life. And well right now things are turbulent, things are going every direction and I don't know what I can expect next.

I got a job working as a security guard at car dealerships and I sort of like it, I get to do a lot of thinking out there while I am walking around and looking for things, and it gives me an oppurtunity to keep the same whacky hours I have always have. Then there is the fact that I live with my brother now, which I think I mentioned before, that takes some getting used to.

Probably the best thing to come out of all of this is the fact that I have gotten closer to Heather because I have been able to sit and talk with her some more, I think more than most of the other people we used to hang out with I am begining to understand her better and that is always a good thing. Its odd how people I used to see all of the time, even on accident, like Landis and Brandon, I hardly see at all. And people I had trouble finding, like Heather, are easier to find now.

Another thing, I am off the medication now, which is great, I hated the stuff anyway, so I will be attending thearpy regularly from now on, like once a week. That's all I really have to say for right now, to all of those I haven't seen in a while, I miss you, and I hope to see you soon.

No One Wants it My Way

I don't know what to say about today except that I am really tired of being treated like a fucking child, realy bad stuff happened today, and my parents decided that I had to move back home. Like I said, I hate being home, even more so, I hate being treated as if I am some kind of kid. After finding all of this out I called Heather, because I figured that if anyone could cheer me up it was her.

Well she invied me to church, and normally I would decline, but I went. I went because I really felt like I needed something tonight that sitting around here wouldn't get me. I needed to just be near people, but I didn't want to admit it. So I went with Heather, and I actually enjoyed it, she was right. It wasn't that long and not boring at all, which is how most people think of Church, but I never find churcn boring. I ran into Greg while I was there.

Gerg and I planned to go to hang out afterwards and did, we went out and hung out until about 12:30 and, not that late. My brother told me to be back here by 2:00, so when I came in at one I figured I was more than fine.

I came in and sat down here, I was planning on doing some writing after messing around on the net a bit, then my brother calls and gets onto me about how I had to get up early. Why the hell should I have to, I don't want to get up early, not only that, there is not a reason to. Then he goes on to tell me that I should be off the computer by 2:00.

Yeah I'm not a little fucking kid, I can judge when I am tired and need to get to bed. And one a night where I slept until noon, I think I can manage to stay up later. Especially when there's not shit to do later today. He talks to me longer and tells me fuck me and my reasons for not wanting to get up. My reason is that my old roommate works and will not be up at eight in the morning when my brother wants to go over there. There is no reason for this, I have most of the day to get that stuff and I don't need help.

My brother asked me what I accomplished today and I told him I was just drawing most of the day, what am I supposed to accomplish, I'm not in school, no one gave me shit to do, why do I have to keep busy with what he thinks is work all day? I mean I might feel like I am uselss, but I'm twenty and I don't need someone constantly bossing me around, especially when there is nothing to boss me around about.

I know Heather and some other people want me to stay here, I want to stay too, but I can't if everyone is going to treat me like this just for going against what they think is right. What they think is not right isn't right for me, I feel like I belong here in San Antonio, and there's no reason I can't get a job and live on my own.

But no one believes enough in me for that, not even me.

A Theraputic Chain Of Events

Give me a break, I'm pretty much an asshole most of the time, I hate so many different things that it makes it hard for me to hang out with a lot of different types of people. I'm pretty much a pessimist, I see the dark side of things, I see the world for what it is, the world is not beautiful most of the time, the world is ugly, its spiteful and people are more often times driven by hate than driven by love.

Yeah so with all of that having been said when I meet someone who is like me, who likes most of the things I like, I see it as a good reason to maybe at least see if we can be friends. If this person is a girl then I wonder if I can take it even further. I talked with someone about how you go through your head and think of all the friends you have that you would date.

When I do several people come to mind, although I something wonder about them and what they are like below the surface. I'm starting to think that all of this, everything that happening for everyone, it's not an accident, its a theraputic chain of events to prepare us for the rest of it out there. There are lessons that we all need to learn and things that we need to go through. True, some of us have it easier than others. Some of us pretty much get it right on the first try and they are the lucky ones, they're blessed.

Others of us have to really work at things and try harder and we have to really try to get what is needed. Things are going to be hard, and I am sure that they're going to get harder maybe. I guess there's just a lot of fighting left to do.

nothing

When I can't sleep and its too much to stay awake all throguh the night, I'm so bad off that my body hurts from restless nights and the nightmares haven't stopped for almost a month now. At first I would ignore them, now they're driving me insane. When I went to bed this morning I had been up for over forty hours, now I'm awake again. Still so tired my body hurts but I'm scared to go back to sleep.

Why do I try to trust ot look out for anyone? No one cares about you or anyone else other than their own involvement in you. No one, and just when I get hope that maybe something is about to turn around, maybe the dreams will stop and maybe some of this will start to make sense, I find out, that it already does make sense, it always does, you've just been used.

That's all I ever get. That's all I'll ever get, I'm the one who gets walked on. I keep waiting for the good news and the meaning behind all of this, but there isn't one. And there never will be. The meaning was what I said it was weeks ago; that hope, trust and love and all of the other shit people tell you are so important aren't reasonable to have and don't exist.

Dreams are like pictures that should refelct our hopes and what's in our souls now? Well all mine are nightmares and they just get worse and harder to ignore. There's really nothing left to do.

This Thread is Locked By the Mod

I've got work to do and in the back of my mind there is so much going on. I'd hate to say that as I sit here and write this I can barely keep a handle on what I am doing, something seems to be missing. Something so important seems to be missing. How am I supposed to know what's going on when I can't even figure out what I need?

Things have been less than favorable around here for me, aside from getting yelled at by parents and being treated like I am doing something wrong when there really isn't anything that I am doing. It hurts to know that you're not trusted at all, and it hurts even more to know that you can be cast aside. I don't think I have ever been important to the people I felt were most important to me. Maybe that's why I hate myself so much, because the people I hold in highest regard don't like me either. What do you call that?

Maybe I'll get lucky and some friend will step up and stick with me, maybe I'll meet someone that I can really just trust to be there for me, but until then. I have to learn to keep everyone out, lock everyone out and stay safe, and that's hard to do.

Our Own TNT Movie

What do I say about last night? I guess the first thing that I could say is that for the first time in a long time I can say I didn't have my mind on some problem or another. Well except staying alive, but I think I cared about that more for the sake of the other people with me more than I did for myself. I guess I don't really put much stock in life anymore.

To start this whole thing out, I have to say that I was hanging out with Brandon and this one dude Jason in the kitchen at Chisolm. Jason pipes up that he will buy me food if I drive him to Whataburger. I'm hungery and no mood to turn him down. Well right after proclaiming I would do it, we realize there's a lightening storm outside. But thinking nothing of it we play a little bit more of the game we're playing and then get up to go out. Well by the time we get to the door its hailing, the sky is kicking off a fourth of July party all its on and the sound of thunder is reverberating everywhere.

I tell them we have better chances of getting my keys if we go to the Activety center of Chisolm. I've drawn a map of what the area would look like. Basically, we left the big blue building and went to the green building, then we went from the green building to the red building, when we got the keys and dried off some, we decided that we needed to go back to the AC. We retraced the path back over there, using the mail room as cover from hail.

When we got back over there, it seemed like we couldn't get any wetter, I had to actually ring my shirt out over the sink in the AC bathroom, Jason had the same idea I had. When we first got in there we almost gave up on the idea of warm tasty burgers, then we realized that we were too hungry to stop, we had to go. Dave just happened to be wandering around in the AC and I told him to watch some of my wet stuff from my pockets that I didn't want getting worse.

He told me it would be fine and before we left Brandon made some comment about how Dave couldn't be the only one who stayed behind when they made a TNT movie about us. So Dave deicded to venture out. Also in the AC was Amanda, she seemed pretty scared by the whole idea of us going out into the storm, but she offered to come along for the ride too.

We realized that there was a whole new problem, I didn't know where the car was, so I got the idea to give Dave my key remote, and take the key itself with me. We would go to both parking lots and the first one to find the car, calls the other and they meet up and pick up the rest. So I ran out and the water is ankle deep outside of the door, I make it to the lot while getting soaked and find the car, pick up the others and we leave.

Immediately it becomes clear that Whataburgers power has gone out, so I cut across under the over pass and head up the road toward the next nearest location. Everyone in the car comments about how they can't see lights on the horizon and we're worried we might not be able to find a place to stop if we get there. The water even on the freeway is deep and its still coming down hard. Suddenly a car passes by going way too fast and splashes me hard with water. I can't see for a good long while and I slow to let it run off.

We finally reach Bandera road, it takes about ten mintues to do what would have normally taken a third of that time. Since the rain shows no sign of slowing we decide to pull into the gas station, but so did everyone else and there's no room. The lights were on and I looked around for another sound structure, the only thing I can find is the automated car wash, so I pull in there and we say for about twenty minutes, I found some paper towels in the back and we dried off some, sat around and talked, walked around outside of the car. Amanda made some phone calls. After that the rain pretty much calmed, the Whataburger on this side of town had lost power too, so we just settled for Jack in the Box and headed back to the school.

Despite the danger in all of this, it was fun, and I don't think I'd hesitate to do it again.

Chance of Change

It would seem that the healing process would be starting to affect me now, I'm turning into the same bitter person I was before, with as little regard for others as I had back then. And don't worry, I'm not selfish, I could care less about myself at the same time. I was blatantly rude to people today and it seems like with that things are getting back to normal. How come my life plays like a season of Scrubs and everything just gets really tense right there around sweeps?

It would seem that regardless of how useless, stupid, and ugly I am I do have friends. Which boggles the mind, it makes me just sit back and thing, wow, maybe I can do this. I think that the really change happened when I was sitting there the other day just staring at my computer messing with a picture and I felt like a change would be coming soon, like something big was going to happen, but for the first time in a good way. And since so much bad shit has gotten shoveled on me I would say that its about time.

Me, I'm not really a destructive person, I'm not even really all that bad, I mean while I was rude to some today I sat in the roost (which is this place where people play games) and I talked to a guy who I had previously not liked, actually two people. And before anyone says I'm a hypocrit for going in there, I have to say that I only went because class was canceled and I wanted to wait for Tarin to leave her class and I was working on a picture most of the time I was there.

I also did a kick ass picture of a friend Jen, I really think she's a cool girl, she's one of the funniest, even if I spend most time annoying her. Hmm, tonight, was long, I am tired and I had a little too much action today and not enough sleep, I leave you with this.

Bitch

Ruined. I talked to Sandra about mabye making this work, and the whole time in the back of my mind I couldn't get one thought to go away. I kept think about what I was told the other night. It pissed me off so bad that I didn't even want to tell Sandra for fear we might end up like that. Sandra is a good person, she has a good spirit and she doesn't mean harm ever. But the kind of person that would use me, lie to me, and then lie about me afterwards, get rid of me and just slander my name all of the time. That's what Allison was.

And to think Brandon told me I needed closure with her, I needed to talk to her and let her know what she did was wrong. I've never thought I would say this, but fuck closure. Closure is what I had with Sandra, she's reasonable, she didn't run off and tell all manner of things about how I did something to her that never even happened.

For almost a year and half I thought I had a best fucking friend here at the school, I talked to her, I confided in her and then come to find out none of that mattered. I start hearing rumors and shit from two different directions about how I was stalking Allison, yeah it was really stalking when you ask me if you can sleep in my bed, and I willingly give it up and take the floor because you were scared. Its stalking when you want me to buy plane tickets for you to go see someone, so I help you do it, help you get all the stuff to go to the airport and suddenly you don't want to go.

Fuck what Brandon said, if I never speak to her again it will be too fucking soon, I took her off my facebook, my phone, and I wish I could just take her from my memories. I hate two faced hypocritical people like that. She said there and lied and said she loved me, she doesn't even know the meaning of that word. Love is dedication, its caring, its not getting mad when you probably should have long ago and most of all its sincere. Love doesn't make you tell malicious lies to make yourself always seem like the victim.

What the fuck did I ever do deserve this? I mean when her purse gets stolen, I buy her a new one to make her feel better, on top of tht the bracelet in the purse, I replaced it, then I take out to make her feel better, come over to check on her when she's sick, and that bitch tells her roommate I was stalking her? Tell me if that makes a lick of Goddamn sense!

I'm mad and upset all at one time, and I just know for a fact I never want to speak to her again.