What Defines a Man?

I'm sure that everyone who uses the internet has heard of Maddox, the writer of so many well know rants. Well I'm not intent on copying him today, but I got an idea from him, and idea for a list of manly men, but only ones from television, or what I think is manly. Although my criteria is a little different, I hope that you'll all stick around to see who makes the cut.

First off lets talk about being manly, many times people mistake these macho muscle bound freaks who parade around shouting orders and beating stuff up for being manly. Manliness has nothing to do with how many muscles you have or if you can raise your voice to effectively bark orders at some poor helpless sap. What it does have to do with is a lot of behavioral stuff, while some of the entries on this list might be a little funny others are serious, just take a look at them, you'll be able to the tell the difference.

1. Briscoe and Green

First up, we have two guys that I decided to stick together because of their close involvement on a television show. Detectives Briscoe and Green from Law & Order, both of them bring to the table different and important attributes. Briscoe is this colder harder cop who had the drinking problem that he kicked and he's loyal to the police. Even when tested by a former friend he doesn't lie or cheat to keep his friend out of trouble. And he never wails on a suspect to get them to talk.

Green on the other hand is a little more compassionate, from the very first episode of L&O he appears in he is helping people out, and while he beat a suspect to get what he needed, at least he was sure that it was the guy that actually did the killing. And the guy had killed like 15 women in a park with a machine gun, who wouldn't mop the floor with his ass? So these two are my first entry into the manly list!

2. Gendo Ikari

Whoa, I don't know about you guys, but I don't think that anything could make you more manly than killing one third of the world in some vain attempt to control all of the beings on the planet. Out second entry Gendo did just that and more. Not to mention that he slept with a mother and daughter years apart. Wow, its amazing he still has that kind of play, good for you man! before you go getting all mad that was the joke.

3. Special Agent Fox Mulder

Alright, I know what you are all thinking, This guy is just gay for Mulder, that's not the case at all. It's just that he's so damn cool. He chased the same dream for over a decade, never giving up and never faltering until he reached his goal and even when it seemed like someone was handing him exactly what he wanted to hear, instead of taking that shit at face value and swallowing it down he checked into it and made sure it was all legit.

Not to mention how he took care of Scully, a woman who he had thought was first going to betray him, he made sure that she was alright and managed to save her life countless times. [she saved him a lot too]When he had a son he went into hiding just to make sure that the baby would be safe and when it came down to it, he came back from hiding to protect it. He wasn't too man to cry or to hold someone's hand. And unlike most guys would have tried to do he never once mistook sex for consoling a woman.

4. Tom Delonge

I know he's not really on a television show, but I have to talk about him anyway. He's a noble guy for someone who gets off on making dick and fart jokes. But in reality he is a family man and he even stopped touring to spend time with his wife and kid and even though I love Blink-182 I can really see how much more important that family is.

After all these guys traveled almost thirteen straight years making that band big, helping punk hit the mainstream. We wouldn't have our Taking Back Sundays or our Brand News without guys like this and bands like Blink we wouldn't have punk in the limelight. Some people call them sell outs and maybe they are, but I can respect a man who sells out something as trivial as music when he has a family to consider. If its just you and you want to keep this hard core street credibility then by all means do it. But never at the stake of a wife and kids.

No matter what, my wife and kids will always be taken care of before my fucking ego.

5. Jesus

Okay, someone had to see this coming. I mean how could he not be on here, how manly is it to still have people talking about the stuff you talked about 2000 years after you died. And he made the ultimate sacrifice. I don't want this to turn into preach-a-thon 2005, but I have to say this. If you think he wasn't strong and stuff, he did handle business when he found those guys selling things in the Church, he tore that stuff up. Plus since he was God and all I guess he could like manifest strength and throw cars and stuff, if he wanted to, or like pick up a car off some hurt person. You can tell I didn't rehearse this, you can't make this shit up.

But the basis for all of this stuff is just to let you know what I think manliness is. It's not that stuff you see where some guy just goes and sleeps with five women in one night and doesn't care for any of them, its not most of the stuff people attribute to being a man. It's taking care of the ones that you care about most, its loving and respecting women and people in general. It's making sure that you take care of what you say you will, its crying when you have to but picking up the pieces and knowing when to move on, its beating the ass off of anyone who hurts or takes advantage of others while still having the compassion to help that other person out.

That's what I think being a man is.

Another Drawing.

I don't have much to say right now, but I do have a cute drawing of Kay.

Isn't she cute?

Three Wishes...

There's been a lot going on lately and its getting harder and harder to write in this. Last night I spent a lot of my time writing on my story and stuff. So I was actually a little busy, unlike
Spike who has spent tha last few days playing Guild Wars almost nonstop.

I was going to ask everyone who comments on this thing if they had three wishes what would they wish for? I had mine all figured out.

I would wish for 1)The power to generate specific amounts of cash spontaneously 2)Any power I wanted on demand 3)Cure for all diseases. What would you wish for?

A Quickie...

Sorry about the absence on my part, I just needed a day off, between drawing, playing a game, and thinking I had pink eye, yesterday was pretty interesting. I don't have much time to talk about it, I have to get my stuff together to get ready to go to class and talk about the Patriot Act.

I missed yesterday because I thought I had pink eye, glad I don't because I'd have to go rewash all my clothes and sheets since I mess with them on a daily basis. Thank God for that.

I did do one drawing that I'm going to show up here, I did several others but some of them need to be fixed before they can go up. Here's one of Allison though.

It's not done yet but I have something really cool to tell all of you about, if you have a Wacom tablet, one of its counterparts or a tablet laptop, buy Alias Sketchbook Pro, it is bad ass.

Well I better get out of here, be around later!

Powerless

It's not easy to admit when you're completely powerless to do something, its not easy to admit it because no one likes to lose all control. No one wants that, no one likes to see someone they eally care for suffer through something and just have to stand there and watch.

I keep thinking, I wish I could do something.

But I know that I can't, I know that you feel bad and it makes me feel bad that there's nothing I can say or do for you. I wish I could be there, could hold you or something. I wish I could just take all your pain away and just make you smile, really smile.

I know I can't and its hard to admit that, but its true; if I could even share the pain with you so you didn't have to bare it alone I would just because I hate to see this happen to someone. I know what it feels like to want answers and to not have them, to spend time wondering about something that just eats away at you.

And the only satisfaction I had when I finally found out was by that time I really didn't care about it anymore, I had moved on. I hope you have that someday, I hope someday you can just scoff at all this.

I wish that I could be there in some way, I wish I could just be your shoulder to cry on, I wish I could tell you the words you wanted to hear, give you the answers you needed to move on and do what you had to do. I wish I had the power to make you happy and whole again, and I just wish I could take away all your tears.

But in the end all I can do is wish and pray, and it seems like this is just the same trend, everyone I know and really care about have something I wish I could help them with. And everytime I start to care about someone I just know that in one way or another there's going to come a day when I'll just be powerless to do anything for them at all.

Anything at all but pray...

Nothing Much, You?

I do feel a lot better after talking with Kay and Allison. I felt kind of alone but after that things are really just shaping up nicely. I even went to Church today, I enjoyed it and I realize how much I had missed it. I guess I dealt with so much it was time to go back.

Nothing really happened yesterday besides a lot of phone conversation. But I think that its important that I get something out. Spike has been missing his girlfriend for a while now. Like I said they were forbidden to talk to each other for a year and its only been like a few weeks.

I can't imagine how much this must be painful for them, I would hate to be stuck in this situation. That's like his best friend and now he can't talk to her, and he's like her only friend. She calls me now just to have someone to talk to. And I don't mind, she's cool and all I just think this is all really unfortunate and evil on her parent's part.

Theyh ad such a good thing going but I can't really do anything to help with this but be there for the both of them. And there's really nothing else to say at this time so I'll leave it at this!

Austin

Austin, I used to hate that city, but after hanging out with people that are actually cool there I see that its not as bad as I thought it was, sure its hard to navigate. But next time that someone comes to town I would love to take them over to Austin just to hang out. While it might not be as big as San Antonio and the traffic is hell, it is so much more sophisticated and diverse. I kind of miss that about Houston and the nearest place to find it is Austin.

I took some pictures of the city to show, there's not many, so bare with me—I couldn't seem to get at good angles to do this right.

This was taken as I drove into Austin early in the afternoon, you have to realize I haven't been in downtown Austin in years, until that day.

This one was taken outside of the mall near Marisa's apartment.

Here's the dome of the capital, its taller than that of the one in Washington DC.

I took this crooked thing while eating and talking on the phone, some photography skill there. I wish it had been day out so it would have looked better, but what can you do?

That's all for that, I don't really have anything else to add except that I finally fried a piece of chicken sucessfully, it looks a little burnt but it really wasn't; God I wish Spike orKay had been here to help me do this so I could have ruined less chicken.

Mmmmmmmm....

Well, I'm out; till tonight.

Over

I just got in from Austin and from seeing Marisa and her brother, it was fun, but now that I'm back here I just feel more lonely. I realize I have nothing really anywhere, when I'm in Houston, when I'm here, it doesn't really matter.

I feel kind of lost and I want to talk to someone, I want to tell someone about all of this and tell them how it makes no sense why I'm this way, why I've lost all belonging but I don't know anyone that feels this way. I don't know anyone has this problem.

I just want this to be over.

Contact

It's been weeks since I've hugged a girl, I just realized that while I was laying in bed this morning. It sucks not even having any kind of human contact and now I began to think that a certain someone was right.

It's even worse when you think that thre's someone out there who's perfect for you and yet you can even have that because of other circumstances. Maybe this is why I felt off a few days ago, why I still feel off now. It's probably for the best that I am going to see Marisa today, I'll have someone I can talk to and just be around, and I miss her. She was one of my bestfriends.

What makes me kind of upset is that almost all of my old high school friends, with the exception of a few are always too busy to talk, they are always working, if I leave a message they almost never call me back and they never call me first.

Basically speaking, I miss general female contact, I thought about asking this girl out in class, just to pass some time, just to do something because its so bland around here without people. But I'm too afraid to deal with girls, I'm just bad at it.

I don't really have much to say, or much time to say it, I have to go clean the car out. But last night I got into an argument with these guys, one of them posted pictures of this girl he had supposedly had sex with on this bullietin board and all of the other male members were talking about how gorgeous she was. I thought she looked okay, but she was nothing to faint over and definately nothing to brag about.

So I simply asked, What's so great about this gir, and they all defended the pictures and were saying things like You've never even seen better in photos or in real life!

I kept thinking, that's a bold statement dumbass, but I can do you one better, I've kissed better looking girls than that, I've hung out with them, talk to one on the phone every night, I hung out with a group of them in high school.

What makes people think that just because they were on the internet they're hot shit. What makes them think that they're any than the rest of those men out there who sleep with some girl, run to work and tell all their horny, sexless pals around the water cooler hoping that boss doesn't walk by because the boss is female and she might get offended and fire them all.

I couldn't see myself running off bragging about anything I did with a girl, I would just be thankful I had her and let it be at that. If she wants to tell its her business, but I just know how the men around me would normally react so I would refrain from saying anything.

Too Much On My Mind

If I haven't already mentioned it which I am pretty sure that I have, the job at Circuit City fell through. This is a pretty bad situation because I am going to need to get a job somewhere if I want all of my plans to work out. I am reluctant to do this, but I might have to get a job at the Barnes & Noble. I already applied at a place that they own so it will make it that much harder to apply there again.

A good job was hard to find in Houston, I mean at least I am getting call backs here, its really bad in Houston because there's not a big college where I live so no one quit their job to go back home and there are several large high schools in the area and when they all let out the jobs fill up.

We have people applying around Spring Break for application in my home town!

Things are still kind of foggy in my mind too, last night my father called and I got really upset with him because he keeps repeating the same things to me over and over again. If there's something I hate its my time being wasted on trivial crap like that. Telling me the same thing over and over while I'm trying to write a paper does not help me in the least.

I'm getting tired of these boring papers, I would much rather write a story or something. I wish I had a creative writing class, hell I wish I could major in creative writing. It's about the only thing I can do right and I don't think this school even offers it as a Major, I was checking up on it last night.

For the first time last night, after I got off the phone and came in my room I thought about transferring, I've never wanted to go anywhere but here until then but I realized for the first time since I have been here that I might be engaged in just what I said earlier in this post that I hated, a waste of time.

Not to say that college is a waste of time or even that UTSA is a bad college, but I need to be able to major in what I want to do. Then I have to think, 'If I move somewhere else then all of the people I know here, everything I know best will be gone.

In nature and in life, everything has a niche. Things go in their place—sometimes a creature or a thing might need to have it's place. I went through a long period where I felt as if I didn't really have a place. I resided in a group where there were times that I just didn't agree with things and I just didn't feel I liked what was going on. I got argued with about nothing at times and I just chalked it up to, Oh that's just how [he/she] is.

It wasn't until I went home for those first three weeks of summer I saw how bad things really were, I hung out with my friends and sure most of the time it was just cool and fine, not even most of the time, just some of the time. But I think that the point I made in the article on my other blog entry, 'Sometimes My Old Man Is Right', stands here to be seen. The friends I had that stayed at home for the first year of college for the most part, have not grown up.

I don't really want to go into the whole issue. But that was just to make a long story short. But I have a lot to think about, a lot to figure out [as you can see from the above] and I have some work for class I need to get started on. My grades in there are going well and I'd like to keep them that way.

...A Little Devotional II

It's fast closing in on this blog's first whole year of service, its hard to think that I kept a constant record of my boring life for almost an entire year now! Did anyone here realize that this record is not really constant and is actually, look at my join date, my first post predates it! Am I some kind of mythical being, no, I back posted.

Allow me to explain, I had three blogs before this one, the first was a xanga, then there was the live journal after that and then I got the xanga I have now, which just mirrors this, and I got this blog on Monday October 11, 2004...the post is called At It Again.

I am taking the time to say this because I think that its ust strange to think back on it all and look at how far this thing has come. When I first had it I had noting in my template, I had no one else's that I read. Can you believe I've been on here longer than Emily? That just seems odd!

I had a long conversation with Kay about man things, she thinks I'm anti-social, I just like to be left alone. I've learned that being around people all of the time isn't good for you. I didn't spend a waking hour alone last semester and it caused me a lot of trouble.

Among other things we talked about our writing styles, she writes beautifully and I kind of asked her to help me out with my stuff. I don't even think she thought I was being serious, she probably thought I was messing with her. I really meant it though, I think especially lately I've lost my touch and someone who is as good as me, if not better, and not afraid to speak their mind and tell me the truth could do me some good.

Now I really should be going, I have some drawing I wanted to do. Does anyone remember when I had stupid endings on all my posts, it was back before the days when this blog started but there are some who read both. Well you don't have to worry about that anymore, see ya.

PS: I thought this was funny.

Making Friends...

I've been told to go out and find friends by some evil person *coughKaycough*. I don't know if I'm going to do it, or if I'm capable of doing it. I mean its like I need to study and do good here, but I would like to have at least one person to hang out with.

I think I'll try calling Ambrosia again and seeing if she wants to hang out, I did want to hear some of the songs she wrote.

Well I have to go off and do some drawing, I'll be around later.

Hot Or Not?

Alright, I don't have much to say tonight, all there really is to talk about is one little issue that I promised a friend I would resolve. Its kind of a scientific experiment if you will, so take it away!

Well here we have two pictures of the same girl, and all I ask is: Is this girl beautiful or not? I don't know how to do a poll in HTML yet. So you'll have to comment!

And Now for the next one.

Thanks for your cooperation

Heartbreaker

I have been thinking, laying in bed does that to a person. I didn't even think about this until just a while ago, but there was something said on the phone yesterday that caught onto me, it was something that I've never heard a girl say before, especially to me.

We were talking and somehow we got on the subject of how all men are heartbreakers. I've never really thought about it before, I've never broken a girl's heart [that I know of] nor do I want to. I don't even like to think of that kind of thing. As I've said before—I can't even bare to watch a girl cry, and if it's my fault that they are crying that makes it ten times worse.

Kay was telling me that everyone breaks a heart someday, but I don't know if I think that's true, I know everyone gets their heart broken at least once. But I think that's one of the few absolutes when it comes to this kind of thing. Does anyone remember when I mentioned all of that stuff Auska had told me, Spike, and Marisa about how every guy in the world will cheat someday because we're just prone to it.

I know a lot of cheating guys, but I also know guys that never cheat and that never even took their eyes off their girlfriends, I know a lot of people that have broken hearts, but then I also know a lot of people that have not broken hearts too.

When it comes to Auska I know how she gets with things like that, there's not a lot of trust of others on her part, with good reason. But I wonder if it can ever be said that all people ________. Absolutes are hard to find, blanket statements are indiscrete and many of them are just things that people say out of some form of excitement.

Honestly, I think that jsut afraid that I'll break some girls heart some day, I mean I've been through that and I don't want anyone else to have to go through all of that. It's just a torrent of pain and bad throughts and if the person that did it isn't there to talk to you about how and why then it makes it even harder. I remember a time when I knew that it was my fault, when I blamed myself for how things had gone and thought I was dumb to have done all of the things I did. I didn't have a friend who could make it all make sense, that could tell me that I was being lied to.

When you have a broken heart having someone to talk to is a luxury, most of us just have our own minds, and our thoughts are most of the time worse than reality. I was lucky to have Marisa there to just sit and listen to me, to take care of me and to talk to me. I think that's what kept me from being really bad off. And I was also lucky to have Spike around to figure out what the real problem was.

I never want to make some girl have to go through all of that, I never want to know I was responsible for soem poor woman feeling like it's her fault, or like there's something wrong with her. It's a scary thought, after all, no one should ever want to break a heart.

...Nothing to Say...

I would have loved to sleep in a little more, but
Marisa made sure that I didn't when she called. I really didn't mind getting woken up like that, I mean she was just calling to see how I was. And all of that stuff.

For the most part, I spent the day communicating with Kay in some way. It was nice to have someone to talk to for that long of a period of time. But I'm worried that I might be using her minutes up.

We talked about so many different things that it's hard to even get one topic out of there for this entry to be about. Most of the time I get the topics I write about from something that happens during my day. That would be hard on a day like today.

This afternoon I fell asleep again, this time from about 8:30 P.M. until about 9:30 when Marisa called again to tell me about her phone, I really don't mind, its nice just hearing a familiar voice is a nice thing. For some reason I didn't even call Spike today until super late, it was odd. I usually talk to several people in one day for about an equal amount of time.

Today things were kind of unbalanced, kind of like the rest of the things in my life. Everything just feels off a little bit. I feel better than I did yesterday, I don't know what's the matter with me though, maybe its knowing that there's something out there I really want but can't have or maybe its just stress from something else, hell or simply put maybe I'm just lonely.

After I wrote my blog entry last night I went outside for a cigarette, I don't typically smoke, but I find that when I'm really upset it helps things. I haven't even smoked an entire pack of cigarettes in my life. But if I was feeling that bad its serious.

Needless to say, talking to Kay today really helped me out, I'm glad to have someone that I can talk to. Well I really don't have much to say, I'll be gone now!

Ever So Sweet

I just found a friend

In one of your lies

To treat me so nice

I can't believe my bones

When they say so many things

They tell me I am fine

Believe me I, I try

Oooh oooh oooh...

Ever so sweet...

You make this seem

The way things go

Its not my fault

And I'll miss

I'll miss you so good

Through all of those nights

We lost our way back home

Ever so sweet

You baked it in cakes for me.

What you left behind,

It hurts my teeth.

Bring in the past

With the postcards you sent for me.

Every line,

It brings me right back down.

I felt like song lyrics, these lyrics from Ever So Sweet by the band The Early November is quickly becoming one of my favorite songs. It helps me to feel better when I'm down...

But its only a tiny bit better when compared to how much better knowing that Autumn and Kay care some, I've just been in kind of a do nothing mood and I don't know what's going on. Maybe its something to do with the moon or something weird like that?

Since I'm here writing this and all I might as well whip out one of the pictures I took today, its of my dads car, he loves this thing although I think its a bother to drive:

Just in case there's some kind of need for me to know this later, this was taken on Father's Day 2005.

Well I better get going, I should be writing a paper instead of trying to ponder over what's depressing my morose ass. I will be around tomorrow with more pictures and more of...well this...

EDIT:I wrote a little rant about something that Kay and I were discussing Friday night and that I just saw on another blog, go here for details!

What Is The Matter With Me?

Something is wrong with me, the worst part is I really can't tell what. Every since Friday night I've been feeling kind of down, things just seem kind of grim right now and I don't why I'm feeling like this.

I just want to talk to somebody and I don't know what to say, do I need to keep acting like everything is normal and okay? Or do I tell them I don't know what the matter is.

Since I've been feeling this way I've only talked to Spike, Kay, Marisa; which is not really anything out of the ordinary because that's who I talk to almost every day. I don't know if what to say when I talk about it, last time that I felt this way and showed it Auska and Rei went around talking to me like I was going to kill myself or something.

I don't feel right and while I'd like to talk about it, I don't want anyone telling me that I'm in some kind of danger when I really don't believe I am. It's not that I'm worried about getting hurt,it's just that I don't like this feeling, I don't like feeling like I did something wrong when I've done nothing at all.

I really don't have antything else to say about that, we did the whole Father's Day thing today, it just seemed kind of odd being with my family. I can't really talk too much around them and I don't even seem to be able to interact properly with them.

Things are just a little strange for me right now, at least I'm back at home,the dorms, where I can do the things I like to. Right now I'm watching American Dad, I heard one of the funniest lines I've heard on a television show in a while on there, Son, feelings are what women have, they come from their ovaries.

Guess I better go get a shower and stuff, I have a lot to think about. Tomorrow I'll have some pictures to post.

Not In A Million Years

I spent most of the last few hours talking on the phone with Kay tonight, and Spike got on three way with us and we all talked.

Kay seemed a little nervous after Spike got on the phone she seemed to stop talking a little bit. I hope I didn't make her nervous. But I hope that this will make her feel better.

If she comes down here, I hope to take her to this:

This last one is my favorite, I love the way the water looks.

That's the fountain under The Tower of the Americas, anyone would love it there, if any of you ever come here, go see it...when its not hot out.

As for what happened today, I'm not sure what to think about the conversation on the phone tonight, I don't know whether to think Kay was uncomfortable because Spike was there, or if it was because I had said something wrong. I guess all of this comes from me thinking that everytime I have a good thing going with me that I mess it up.

It's hard for me to get my mind off of that mentality espeically after what happened to me with the whole situation with Rei. I don't know how to read or understand her because I've never had to deal with a girl actually liking me for me.

I told Spike that I went down a list of things in my mind that someone who wanted to use you could want, it was the first thing I do when someone starts to do anything that be considered as them trying to abuse you. I'm not as trusting as I used to be years of heart ache do that to a person, it's just kind of an after effect. I think that this has kind of taken me off my gaurd, because by all rights there is not any reason for a girl like her to like a guy like me.

I thought it out, What could she want from me?, the first thing I said was the most obvious, its not looks, it has nothing to do with looks.The next thing you obviously come to is, what about money, nope because her family has that. To make this process shorter, I don't have anything that anyone would ever look for besides maybe the fact I am nice. And that's debatable. I'm not good in bed, never even had sex, I'm not really all that smart, not compare to Kay, I've got nothing for her to see in me and yet she sees something that I don't know what it is.

It makes me almost believe something is there, believe in me, because while I have self worth, I don't see much in me that makes me worthy of a woman with the caliber of Kay, a real adult. It's funny too because now Spike really wants to meet her based on the conversation with her tonight, he mentioned how she seems smart and how she seems to know herself really well, she knows herself better than most people will ever know themselves.

She is the second girl that Spike and I have both said is really worth the time to get and know; the first being Marisa. But in my mind I have to still wonder, what it is she wants, because from what I can tell about myself not in a million years would a girl like her like me for me.

Into The City!

It's too early to tell what will be going on, I'm going to play this by ear, I'm going into the city to take pictures of beautiful San Antonio! Until then here is a set of the most perfect legs you will ever see!

Where did the Week Go?

There really isn't much to say about today, but that usually doesn't stop me from saying way too much.

I am trying to decided whether or not to go home tomorrow or Saturday, I have to go home sometime soon for the whole Father's Day. I guess it will be good for me to go home, but I really can't stay long, I have some work to do for class on Monday.

I guess I'm going to spend some of tonight on the phone when I get the chance and right now this day is just kind of dragging along. Tomorrow I think I will watch some movies and stuff like that.

I would like to say thanks to Kay for talking to me about what I posted about yesterday. I was really feeling bad when I wrote all of that and she handles me so well when I'm not on top of my game.

I'm not sure if I'll be able to post tomorrow, but I most likely will not be around this weekend, sorry guys, but it looks like I've got to pull a Twinklestar and vanish for the weekend. But who knows, I might make it to a computer in that time.

Until then here's something I am sure Kay will recognize:

Yes that's right, its Machine Processed Fish Portions! Well that's all for now!

Pictures, Batman, Kay and Mulder?

Here we go, I have these pictures of the dorms to post.They're pretty nice, I think it would have been better if I had gotten these before they started on the pool out there in the center. Oh well, this is the view from my balcony:

First up we have this little number, its a shot from the middle of the blacony. The building down on the ground to the far left is a neighborhood center where we can cook and stuff

Now here's the second angle, same thing, different view

And now for something totally new this is a view to the far right of the balcony, down there is the path that leads from the back of the dorms to the front.

I know that's not a lot, but I will start to take more pictures since my life has been less than interesting lately.

I saw Julia today and we went and saw Batman I enjoyed it, made up for the last two shitty Batman movies.

Today seemed kind of short, I got a call from Alli this morning, she just wanted a person to talk to and I was glad to talk to her. Talk to Marisa some this afternoon before the movie, the more and more I think about it today has got to be one of the best days since I've been back.

I even got to talk to Kay again today, I love talking to her, I just feel like I have a person who feels the same way I do about everything. It's hard to describe what its like to be able to talk to someone and never have to sit there and go damn, I really want her to stop talking.

It's good to enjoy talking to her, and its good thinking that I have someone I can call that I can relate to and everything. I can only think of one reason I'm kind of scared about all of this, its not anything stupid or trivial, and its not something I want to hide from her, I just can't tell her myself because its hard for me to say things like this.

And she reads this and I hope she asks me about this if she sees it, I just don't think that she'll be as happy with me as she would like to think. It's not that I don't want to get my heart broken, God knows I can take it, its just that I think she'll be disappointed and it'll be my fault if that happens.

I want to talk to her about, so what do I do...

At times like this I just wish that I could be like Fox Mulder:

Just look how bad ass he looks, how can one man be this cool? Oh well, every blog needs at least two pictures of Mulder up a year, here are mine. I better get to work on what I have to do, gotta make the grade and all.

See ya!

Elitist Bastards...

This has got to be quick, nothing fancy, I can't afford to be late to class and all that good stuff.

I just wanted to talk about the video game store, EB, I'm starting to think that it stands for Elitist Bastards. They won't give cash back on returns, even if you paid with cash and have a recipt. What kind of shit is that?

On top of that they keep talking about WoW [for those of you not 1337 enough, that's World of Warcraft] is Blizzard behind the counter sucking these guys dicks, why do they love that game so much.

Well that's all I have to say for today, don't shop there unless you want to get store credit back all of the time. I've got to get to class. But tonight I'll have pictures of my dorm to show off, I'll post them then.

Oh yeah! I changed my profile picture, I'm the one on the left, duh! And I also changed my template last night, don't worry, I'll work the kinks out with some help from Emily, sorry for the inconvenince!

Update...

Things have been, just odd to say the least. I have had to deal with being here alone and it gets harder and harder.

I call justy about everyone that I can and I didn't talk to anyone for more than an hour, it sucks being so far away and yet I can't help but think that it wouldn't be much better in Manvel either.

Brittany said it best when she talked about how everyone in Manvel and Alvin, our home towns, has some excuse for why they cannot go out at night. I only knew like one person who actually wanted to hang out.

I mean when I was at home last I got into an argument with a friend over where this restuarant was and she preceeded to gloat when she was right, what the hell. I just straight up told her What the fuck ever.

If I sound mean for saying that then allow me to explain myself, I have dealt with this little girl shit. I know enough women that are grown enough to hold real conversations and to act like they have sense; Ambrosia, Carlen, Kay, Marisa, Julia—all of these women seem to be grown up, when I talk to Kay I can't even tell she's 17[she seems much older]; do you think Ambrosia would give a guy crap because he doesn't look/act/dress/talk/walk/dance a certain way?

I really don't miss being at home all that much, I just miss having someone to talk to. I guess I have Kay, Spike, Marisa and Julia to talk to.

Well I have a few things to report before I head out, Kay is fine, Spike is holding up well without Julia, Julia is doing the same with out him, I might see her soon, Marisa is going to recover, she's sad about her grandma, I don't think I got the job, I need to try harder and I guess that's it.

I am working on a post for tomorrow already. Watch for it!

Something of Value III

On the long drive home I had time to think things over and just get a glance at my life over the last few months and take things into greater consideration.

I talked to Spike and he told me something that I wasn't supposed to know, something that would have apparently made me go off the deep end. I have to say that it disappoints me how you see me Auska, why do you think I'm so weak that if a girl says something like What makes him think he can get a girl like me, that I will get all upset or kill myself or something?

I was stronger than this, I was ruder than this at a time, I haven't always been this nice and I haven't always thought and felt the way I feel.

I am so glad that Spike told me this, because it just shows me how right I was, she has a lot of growing up to do. She's not like Kay or Marisa, the two of them have felt real heart ache and have gone through some shit, they both have an adult mind set.

I think that its a bad thing, but it seems that unless you get hurt really really or see it happen to someome else up close and personal then you can't understand what real pain is.

It takes a lot of pain for you to know what feels good, just like it takes a really awkward moment to prove who you're comfortable with. And I think that its funny that the comment above was made and I've already done better, twice, she was right, I can't get a girl, like her, I needed a woman someone who is grown up enough to know what's really important in another person. I have two friends right now I'm taking into close consideration.

It's really hard for for me to express how thankful I am for the friends I have now, and for a lot of other things. But I better go on.

I talked to Marisa today, she called me up and asked could I make a five hour drive to Cleveland, Texas and come pick her up and drive her the three hours back to Austin, then I would have had to drive one hour back to San Antonio.

I would have done it, I would have done it and enjoyed doing it, I love spending time with her and there's also the fact she has been so good to me, but then her brother decided that they wanted to drive back to Austin in the wrecked car. I feel really sorry for her, she has just had shit flung at her for the last few weeks, her job has been harsh, her kitten is sick, then her grandma dies, the funeral falls on the same day as her orientation for UT Austin so she can't go, so she and her brother rent a car to go to the wake, and they get in a wreck...

I just want to go give her a hug, I feel like this is too much on one person and I pray it gets better for her. And now after reading Kay's blog I see she's going through hard times, I wish she would have told me on the phone, she just seems a little sad every time I call, and I wish I could make her feel better too.

I feel pretty useless, two people who I care about a lot are both going through hard times and I feel like there's nothing of value that I can do...

All that I need to find within you, is something of value, something untrue, all that I wish that I'd find within you...

No one here remembers back when I wrote the posts Something of Value I and Something of Value II, but I thoght I finally found my Something of Value back when I wrote part II, now I know I was right.

Hooray For Blah Days...

Today, or yesterday rather wasn't very interesting until late. Yeah I did the job interview thing and that went well. After it was over I talked with Marisa and Spike on the phone.

Later on I talked to Kay and cooked some, wow, not a very exciting day I know. But I think that things are starting to pick up around here conversation wise.

On almost a daily basis I will talk to Spike, Kay and Marisa. It's just part of my routine and it keeps me from going nuts. Now bare in mind when I said talk to, I mean on the phone. It's a big thing for me to be on the phone a lot, I used to talk on the phone all of the time back when I was with Keena, but slowly I have become one of those people who prefers to IM someone.

Alli actually got on MSN today and we talked for a few hours. I can't wait to hang out with her again.

Hmm, I have a little question to pose for those of you who see this post, I had a discussion with the lovely Juliet about relationships and stuff, and I asked her did she think it was alright to practice sex or oral sex on a friend or another person with their consent? Or even if they offer it? What do you all think?

Contains Some Wax...

Alright sorry I have been away for a while. I have been utterly distracted; what with my dad being here and all and all of the cooking I've been doing.

I got this new deep fryer, yeah this is going to cause me to fry myself sick over here. But I should start working out pretty soon.

In other news I've been talking to Kay alot, its fun having someone to identify with over the phone or in real life. I have no one to talk to here, and I can't even call Marisa now. Her grandma died yesterday, I just feel like I'm useless when I try to console her. How do you talk to someone who already has so little of her family left?

I wasn't made for this, I'm not good at talking to grieving people. I wish I had the heart for it, but if a girl were to cry in front of me, especially Marisa I would fall apart.

In light of all of this I have some good news, I just saved 10% on my car insurance.... Well no, that wasn't the news I had. My news, there's actually two pieces—first off, our lovely friend from Missouri Amanda has finally graced us with her prescence [I know I spelled that wrong].

Now for the second little blessing, I might be getting a job at Circuit City, I hope it pans out. If it does don't expect me to blog about it, I don't know about company policy on that kind of thing and I'm too lazy to read down the contract and find it. So bare with me.

I better go a head and get off of this think, I left the picture at the top in commemoration of the time I had lots of food in my fridge here. Enjoy Crayola juice! Julie, do you still think you write more than me?

Lonely....

It's been quiet, the only people I've really talked to in the last few days have been Julia and Kay, everyone else just isn't calling or either they aren't staying on the phone for any amount of time.

People are just too busy these days,this is why summer sucks. Everyone just kind of goes their separate ways and can't have much to do with each other. I've been spending my time here in almost complete solitude compared to what I normally do in the summer.

Going to class is about the only thing I do in the day where I even see people, its kind of hard to just not have friends to talk to regular [in person] or someone that you can just sit down with and do something.

That's why I'm hoping for this weekend, its lonely here and the nearest close friend I have is Marisa, I'm hoping she and I can hang out, even if just for like an hour or two. Seeing her will do me some good and put my world back in prespective. Seeing anyone would do that, there's nothing here for me except class.

I was up late last night talking to Kay again, I'm starting to enjoy the conversations more and more, I never actually seem to find girls that are interested in all of the things I am, so when I finally do its a big relief.

I know that there are people out there who like the things I like and that I'm not weird, I might just be a little out of place or something. Well I have essays to write so I better get to it, be around later.

Here's some more comic strip concept art!

"One-Eighty By Summer"

A lot has happened in the last few days, a lot of not good things, things I don't even want to talk about here because there really not my things to talk about of come to terms with.

All I can say is that it is going to be rough around here for the next few months or years, depending upon how things end up.

What's expected of us, what are we supposed to think when we see what we thought were simple and profound truths turn to nothing at the hands of some force.

If anything this is proof there are not many absolutes, realtivism is the closest thing to truth we'll ever have. Distance, time even they are realative, this was proven scientifically and can even be proven in a social construct.

I don't want to go into it right now, I guess I should finish writing this essay, I know I need to. Last night I was up until about three talking to Kay on the phone. I haven't connected with someone on this kind of level without actually having met them in years.

It's strange, because I was pretty scared to call her like two weeks ago and now I can't seem to wait until its like 11 so that I can call her.

I've been having fun with it though, so who can blame me, she's really interesting to talk to. Well I have a shower to go hop into, but I will leave you with this, a comic strip I did a while back!

I give you "Almost Never".

I must say this in the edit...this was an actual conversation between me and PJ.

Nothing Better To Do...

I find that there's not a lot to do here besides blog. At least with this I have something I can work at that doesn't take too much time to work on. Something that I can just write off the top of my head.

I used to write all my stories off the top of my head. I would sit in school and when I got an idea I would just try to remember it and put it in the story when I got home. It's hard to do that, more and more I found myself wanting to write down a plan for the story in a notebook.

WHen I started it was like i couldn't stop, everything ended up in that notebook! Right now I kind of do the same thing with this blog, I write everything down in it.

I was watching Cheaters just now and I realized something. The women on there that get cheated on always seem to get mad at the other woman too, even if the other woman had no idea what was going on.

I do no understand that at all, they should work together to beat him up.

In the realm of things that are going on around here I talked to Ambrosia yesterday, funny thing, she was on the internet trying to get Windows Messenger to work. I tried to help her with it a bit and she had to go.

She's one of the few people that I met at orientation that I would never mind hanging out with, she was a sweet person and had no annyoing qualities. Maybe I'll see her sometime later this week.

Well I don't really have much else to say, so I better get working on what I have to do today.

So Pissed Off...

There are times when I wonder if all parents really want you to make it in life. If they really want anything out of you at all. I watch other people and how they interact with their parents, I know that not all of the interactions I see are good, there are some that I see are terrible.

I see people who have on parent homes, or are foster children or adopted and then I wonder how much that effects someone.

Dealing with my parents the last few weeks have been hard, they tell me to do something and then when I try to do it can can't for some reason they tell me I'm a liar and that I'm trying to bullshit them.

They got mad about me going to see Marisa last week just because it was about thirty minutes out of the way. They don't care about me liking anyone, they don't care about what I want ever, they just give me choices and treat me like a fucking child.

There are times when my ten year old nephew has more choices on what he can do than I can. Any girl I let them meet get's treated like shit, anything I do gets scoffed at.

Just tonight they sit on the phone and call me stupid just because I didn't get into classes when I went down to the advising center.

I don't see why they can talk to and treat me like an adult, I mean stuff like when I'm talking they'll cut me off, but if I keep talking over them then they tell me not to talk over them. Fuck that, you talked over me, I just kept talking. Suddenly its my fucking fault.

I don't see how people who claim to love you so much can just act like you don't matter and nothing you ever do matters. Just how they talk to me it's like their trying to talk down to me. I don't get that when I talk to anyone else, and usually if I do that person gets yelled at.

My brothers don't even talk to me like that, its not right to talk to someone like that. I guess that this means that tomorrow I have to go up to the school, move my classes to this month and then reschedule some class for next summer semester.

This kind of stuff really gets on my nerves. But I have to go.

Back To School...

It's not so bad being here alone, its not so bad at the dorms, I've been back here for a while now, I've just failed to post on this thing since I have been here. Not much has really happened.

I spent most of my day writing, and when I wasn't writing today, I was in a meeting with an academic advisor. It went well and I have hope for turning this whole school thing around.

Last night was very interesting, I say and talked to Kay on the phone for a few hours, it felt good just talking to someone who I seem to be on the same level with, its hard to find these days.

We didn't talk about anything in particular, but I really had fun with that.

Right now I am trying to find a job, I'm going to check out Best Buy, I've always wanted to work there. I was wondering about something though, has anyone ever tried to use one of those people finding websites?

There was this girl I was really good friends with back in junior high, kind of like a first girl-friend kind of thing. I've tried to find her before, it happens like every few months, I know the number to her old house, but her dad lives there and she moved out and I think shes on bad terms with them.

Does anyone know a good site to use for this kind of thing? If not oh, well. I have places to go tonight, like to Austin to see Marisa. I better go get in the shower.

I'll keep in touch, see ya.

So Long, Sweet Summer....

It's become obvious that I'm not really getting anything done around here. I think that I would be better off in college working towards something. I talked to my brother for the second time since I got home.

He was pretty upset about the low grades I made and even more upset that I had decided to go back, but I hate it here. Even though there's no one up there for me to hang out with, even though I might not be able to get a job up there either, its better than being here.

Despite all of the things that are happening, my mind keeps shooting back to one person, Marisa. I know now that I have to talk to her and tell her all of this someday, I feel like I she doesn't understand why I tell her the things I do.

I guess I thought it was obvious when I backtracked to Austin to see her that I really care about her and seeing her was more important than anything. I am worried about her, she got back with her ex and she says its just until she finds someone better, but I know that if he does the same to her it will hurt her so much.

Well before I just sit here and ramble on, here's the plan. To San Antonio as early as I can, drop off my crap, and then to Austin to see Marisa. On the way there I'm going to pick up two bouquets, one for this time, and the other for the last. And then back to the school.

How eventful.

Idle Conversation

It hasn't all been fun and games, although today was a great escape from all that's going on, things aren't exactly perfect.There is a lot going on with Spike and his girlfriend, Julia. A lot to the point that he might not get to see her very often next semester.

I feel bad for him, I know how it is to get you're hopes up about something and then have them crushed. I have done it way too many times. I hope that everything works out for the best here.

Here it is, though, one more day in Houston before I have to go back to San Antonio, its a little exciting, a little fun sounding and a little chiling to think. I will be alone up there for the most part, sure Auska and Rei are around. But Auska lives off campus and Rei will be with her boyfriend most of the time, not to mention that she doesn't seem to be to fond of me right about now...

I have been thinking more and more about Marisa, I've been thinking about how things have been going with her recently. I love to talk to her, I love to just be around her. She makes me feel like everything will always work out for the best, even with out saying it, even without it coming up in coversation.

Last night, or really it was the night before last. Fuck, let's just say Thursday. She and I got into this discussion about interacial dating, odd how it came about and she seemed to be a little nervous in even talking about it for the obvious reason.

Well she was for it, which made me breath a sigh of relief and she argued with her ex about how she thought it was horrible of him to think the way he did. I find it funny that she makes me so proud that I know someone like her, someone who defends herself and knows what she wants.

I hope that she comes to understand how I feel about her sometime and I hope that when it happens we can just be happy with whatever happens between us. Well I have to go, I'll be back around here tomorrow time permiting.

It's Been An Eventful Last Three Days...

Hmm, it's been too long since I wrote on here, an unpresidented two days, now before you all chase me off of the internet with torches le me tall you aobut the last three days.

Monday I went out to find out about school at the community college, just for summer school mind you. What I found out was that I didn't have all of the paper work in order and there was no way I could get it in time because I couldn't get through to UTSA, my college.

So I called Spike and I started bitching about how much I hated being in Houston and how it was hard to find a job and go to school. I then said, I have half a mind to drive up to San Antonio and just take classes there and move back into the dorms.

That's when he asked me if I wanted to, I said yes and we left right then and headed back to San Antonio, we stopped off in Killeen and saw my dad, and left out the next morning from there, drove through Austin, to San Antonio, we took care of what we had to, saw Julia, hung out with Rei and Auska and left there to go back to Austin.

I haven't been happier in weeks. Seeing Marisa was like a dream come true, I got to meet her brother and her brother's boyfriend, they were really nice cool guys, we all had dinner together and I just felt comfortable, I felt like things were good for once.

I got to see Marisa smile, really smile she's even more beautiful than I remember her. She looked like an angel. I know now that regardless of what happens with she and I, that we'll be okay as friends.

Apparently her brother and his boyfriend thought I was really nice and I'm proud of that. I feel good about it, and there's no regrets with the exception of the fact that I didn't bring her flowers, but I plan to rectify that when go up there this coming week.

After dinner we went to the apartment of a friend of Spike's and spent the night there to come back here today, its the Justin and Spike three city tour: Houston to Austin, Austin to San Antonio, San Antonio back to Austin, Austin to Houston....now that is one hell of a road trip.

Oh, and I am moving back to San Antonio Sunday, that's right folks—the torture is OVER.