I Am Jack's Face Full Of Egg

Well it has been an interesting day, I'm starting to wonder about things that are going on around here. But I'll get to it after I talk about how the whole medication thing is going. I have been started on Paxil, or how ever you spell it. And the stuff really messes me up. I get sleep and dizzy and all manner of other stuff.

Well I have been taking them for like two days and it's strange for me to have to take medication. It's like me on medicine. That hardly happens, even when they give it to me for little infections and things like that. So for me to be on real daily pills is just unheard of.

And this is my last week at school for this semester, I have been told to go on medical leave, I hate the idea because I have to leave people behind, most of all I'm going to miss Allison, but then I guess this is for the best. I really know that in the end things will work out right.

Well I am tired and losing concentration, thank you for the kind comment Kay, but we're pretty sure I don't have cancer. I want you and everyone to know that. I did still get a blood test and it didn't hurt at all really, I felt proud and the nurse even gave me a kiss on the cheek because she said I was being brave. I think that's funny. It was the first time I ever had blood drawn. I do have to say something because I understand what your saying, when faced with death or anything daunting you can be made a better person. I don't know if I'll ever really be a better person, but thank you for keeping me in your prayers.

I do know that I am faced with something right now, something that can either eat me up or that I can stand up to and go somewhere. Depression, they say it's one of the most treatable forms of mental illness, then why the hell do I know so many people who struggle so hard with it? Why is it so blatantly there and in your face? Something isn't right there, something doesn't add up. I'm scared still, scared that there might be nothing I can do, scared that in all of my trying to help others I really over looked myself and let myself get too far gone. I don't know how to deal with myself being in trouble, I don't even know what caused me to feel this way.

Kay, I really don't know how to respond to what you said. I never thought that I stopped talking to you, if you think that, I didn't mean to and I'm sorry about it. Maybe there was just some kind of trouble with communication or something. I don't know what is going on half of the time anyway. I didn't comment on your blogs because I didn't know if you wanted me to, and then when you commented on mine I planned on commenting on yours, but then what do you say to a girl who had a friend killed in war? I don't have the words to make that better, I don't know how to talk to someone who's upset. Oration has never been my strong suit and the words to help anyone never come to mind. I just spent an hour the day before that telling another friend not to worry about her boy friend going to Iraq because it would be okay.

I'm really sorry about your loss, but everyone knows I'm not one to console anyone, I think I make things worse by trying. I've read your blog almost every day since August and yes I know that might seem kind of weird, me not leaving a comment. Next time I'm around your blog I will leave one. Right now I am dizzy and sleepy, and I need to head out.

This next week is going to be about me trying to see people that I might not get to see again for two months. I guess this is me making up for not really having much of a summer. But I know that if I don't spend at least one day alone with Allison I'm going to be mad, we really haven't had time to hang out much. And I miss my friend, well I better get going before I get to the rambling and it never ends. I'll be around more later.

I Am Jack's Gathering Exhastuion

I'm not really feeling like writing now, I'm not really feeling like doing anything. I just can't seem to stop feeling hurt and sick at the same time and I want to go back to bed. I got medication this morning and I'm supposed to take it before sleep. But I need to eat first. So I guess I'll have cereal or something retarded like that.

Everyone's so worried and so careful around me I really don't like it, the people who don't know about this stuff that's going on seem to be better to be around some of the time. And there's still a lot of them. Right now I just want to sleep, thinking about things really hurts.

Everyone that knows how I feel right now has been saying some of the same phrases to me all of the time Don't do anything dumb and a lot of other stuff. Looks like I already fouled up and did that by not being able to do a damn thing for the last five months.

I just need to go lay down.

I Am Jack's Day At The ER

Thanks for the support everyone, a lot of people have called or come by here worried, not that I like others to worry, but its always nice when someone cares about you.

I spent most of the day in a Hospital ER, but we're pretty sure that this is only as serious as a depression issue, not something that I would have to see someone who did surgery or anything. I might end up on medication and it looks like I am withdrawing from school for the remainder of this semester. I'm really upset about that, I won't be able to see someone very dear to me for a while now, I don't know what to do, I don't even know if there is anything I can do.

I haven't told her yet, but she already voiced her opinion about me being gone, I don't want to leave her here without someone to talk to, someone that really cares and doesn't want to take advantage of her or something like that. I told her already how I felt, that took more than I ever would have dreamed it could, I already feel like I've been a pain in her ass. I already feel like I'm in so much trouble, like I'm just an awful person. And its like I don't believe it, or I don't want to, but I have to.

So there's a lot going on, and I don't think I really feel like talking about it, all I have to say is this is my frist trip to the ER and I hate it. The thing that scares me most is I think there might be something wrong, I spent 8 hours there and never go the blood test, so I could still have some problem. I'm too scared to find out. All I know is I want the old me back and I want to be near someone I love, I guess I can't have either.

I AM Jack's...

I was suppopsed to get a blood test last night but it won't happen until today now, I'm so scared. I'm scared that I ruined everything, school, my social life and that I might even be going insane. A lot of the things my symptoms according to my mom sound like it could be any number of things in cluding a tumor, I have to check and see she said. I'm frigtened. I'm not the one who gets sick. Never spent a day in the hospital in my life. I've always been in good health.

I'm not ready to go, I'm not even willing to accept it, yet it doesn't matter. It could be true. I had no idea how scary things could be. I mean the way I am now, how could I even make it in the world. I hate it, I try and be brave, I do something I'm afraid of and then suddenly here comes a new thing to face. One that has no tangible shape or form but just is.

Last night I told Allison everything, I told her how I felt and she didn't hate me or want me gone, as a matter of a fact she was worried about losing her only friend. I think finding out about getting a blood test gave me the courage to actually tell her. If I'm going to have to get an operation or die or something, I want her to know that someone loves her.

I liked it better when the problems I had with school were simple laziness, now blood tests and doctors come int everything and I want out, I hate the hospital, I hate it and that I couldn't do this right. In the Emergency room last night I tried to be brave and to joke around, but I was so scared. I can only hide behind sarcasm so long. Anyone who says their not scared is a fool, even when you believe in God you have a natural want to stay alive. And I do want to be here, I've found out that I'm actually worth something.

I think a while ago I might have told you that I was worthless and that if I was never around it would affect no one and maybe less people would get hurt. I know now that there's at least one person I help around here. That's more than enough to make sticking around worth it.

I guess on the bright side, the emergency room allowed me to see someone I haven't run across since eight grade, Keena Caldwell, a girl I was best friends with way back then. We talked for a while, she was sick too. Its odd how I have been to so many waiting rooms, but never for me. I'm always so uncomfortable in them because I have no idea how to act, there's sick people here, can I even smile. For the first time I may be the sick people. It's a new feeling, one that I don't like.

I Am Jack's Unheard Outcry.

I seem to somehow mess things up, no matter what I seem to just not know when to follow instinct and when not to. I called my Dad this morning and told him some of the stuff that was going on with me, I didn't expect him to want to come down here and have a talk with me and I definately didn't expect to get walked all over in the process. I have al ife, no matter what I try to keep some scrap of a life.

And when I told him he should have called I have somewhere to be tonight he basically told me it didn't matter and that this was more important. Yeah my plans with Allison shot to hell, thanks. Because she's the only person I really feel like I want to be around right now.

I think thats another problem I have, my feelings only get recognition so long as they think it will effect my school. Well I'm sorry school is not the only thing in the world, and I'm sorry that I'm such a failure you had to come up here and babysit me. But I didn't ask you to come here, and I didn't say I wanted help from you. As a matter of a fact I didn't say I wanted help from anyone. I wanted to try and have a good week but its getting off to a terrible start already.

Like I've said before, I can't stand being ignored, but its not like I seem to get anything else from these people.

I Am Jack's Paralyzing Fear

Tonight was the perfect night, not in what happened but in the feel, the sky was filled with a light mist, the cold wind and air felt good as I walked along the river that this city is so famous for. Althought I wish I could have been with her, I think a lot about her, I try not to but I do. It blots my concentration and there are times when I wonder if I will ever be the same again.

I know now that I never really knew what it was like to feel something for someone before maybe last year, before that I would think I felt something, but this is much much harder. This is much different than the times in Junior high and high school. Here things have been different.

There's some part in me which would like nothing more than to leave things as they are, stay back and try my best to just leave her be, but then I think she could get hurt again. Damage like that just stacks, it builds up and I'm tried of seeing people like her treated like shit, everything that I see happen to her I just think that she doesn't deserve any of this.

My mind is dragging through everything, I need to wait, but I don't want to, I need to play this slow, but its already been a year. I really can say I hate that I can't help her out or say the words to make her believe in herself, but I can also say that I will still try. I've failed enough people but I keep doing this, why? What the hell is wrong with me. I've got nothing going for me, school is shot, I'm in the hole and I feel like there's nothing that I can do about any of this.

I'm so afriad now, but I have to do this alone and in person, its the only way.

It seems that when I try to do anything else, when I try to write anything else that only one subject can flow from my fingers, as if I've been pricked by needles and just left to bleed this away. I know that to all of you out there I will not be the same until I've bled all that kind of blood away.

I Am Jack's Three Thousand Two Hundredth Hit!

At 1:00 PM Sunday October 23, I hit the 3200 hits mark, badass!

I Am Jack's Attempt To Work Himself Out...

This is not my usual plate of things I serve up, this isn't what I would usually call an entry or what I would usually talk about. There's nothing wrong with something about some certain little group of people that I'm just going to openly discuss today. There's something wrong with me, the kind of thing that won't be fixed in conseuling, the kind of thing that you have to have courage and heart to persue. Someone I've kept close to my heart for a little over a year now has come to the point that I'm not sure what is wrong with me.

I can't say much more right now, I don't know if I will ever speak more on this subject. And I know, all of this cloak and dagger stuff is not like me, all of this sneaking and hiding is not something that I would usually go about doing and stuff, but I need to keep this to me, I need the keep the numbers of people that know to the minimum. I need to keep this from getting out because when things like this do they cause me more trouble than good.

I am running over things in my mind, I am driving the thoughts home through an intense grilling and testing to see if they stand true to what could be the best case scenario. I awoke at six this morning on my back on the floor, I had only slept just over fifteen minutes and I was jostled back into this world by a dream. I can't tell what the dream was, it was like visions of light and water that streamed through my conciousness but there was something tangible there too, something whole. Friday was the best day ever, it has done devastating damage to the days gone by and it has been crowned the king of all days only to be dethroned by something of greater value

I was shaking when I awoke, my mind was ricocheting off the walls of my skull like a trick shooters stray bullet, it was out of control and I actually started to shake. There's so much going on under the surface, I am so afraid to share. Even with the person I trust most even with the people I see day to day and the people I live with and the people I have grown to really enjoy.

There is something more to all of this. I was told something that night to which I could not truthfully respond, I lied I had to because I knew that even if I told the truth, it would be a lie to the other person. It would be a lie in their eyes because they didn't know the meaning of it all. It stung me hard, it had set me on the course and I couldn't just roll over and sleep after that, I had to think about it, dream about it.

I shake when I think about it, almost as much as I did when it happened, I laid there, on the side of my bed, even in tears a for a while. What the hell do I do? I mean really what am I supposed to say to something like that, what do I say, do I lie and make it seem alright, ignore it? What? My mind wouldn't let me fall asleep, and the shaking worsened so I got up and grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge and my glass, I drank some and laid down. No effect. I would have done anything to stop the toughts, ram a wall, hang out the window till my fear of heights caused me to recoil in fear like some kind of flesh yo-yo dangling about the cold waters of a toilet.

I wanted to freak, but quietly it would have to be. I wanted to run outside and just find some cigarettes, I don't smoke anymore. I only did for like six months and in that time I think I smoked one whole pack. I'm freaking out about it and there's nothing I can say, there's nothing I can do that will be easy for everyone.

So there, there it is, I was down not because of thearpy or something stupid my dad yelled at me about, I was down because I can't go on this way. I was down because I wanted to tell you the truth and the lie, but I took the coward way out and did neither. So there it is, over and done. I'll never know if I did damage or not, I'll never know what I had to do with this. All I know is ten hours on a plane, sheer embarassment of myself, I would brave it all.

I love you too

I Am Jack's Highlights

I have really begun to think things aren't looking up, even though I want to give things a try I really doubt that how I feel and the way I view things will change. I guess what I really mean to say is that I don't generally consider the way I am bad for anyone else, I'm nice to others, sometimes too nice and too trusting, so when I say that things might always be this way, is it really so bad for everyone else?

One thing that scares me is I have been having massive trouble remembering things, people I've known for quiet sometime, I really can't tell who they are when I see them now. And sometimes I can't put a name to a face even though I've known for a while. And it really doesn't help that I've been trying to meet new people when I can and having to remember names of people and the like.

I really think that something might be wrong because my vision will go all blurry sometimes, its not to the point I can't drive, but its like to the point I can't play a videogame that well, today it happened for like ten seconds when I was playing Smash Brothers Melee. I couldn't tell what the other person was doing, only that they were moving, so I just did a move that hit all around me and tried to see if I could do something, but I think it might have been obvious that something was up by the look on my face. I was all shocked because it came on so sudden. And now and again I get headaches and stuff that hurt.

I hope its nothing, I'll tell myself it is and take my own advice. I really don't know what else to do in a case like this doesn't involve going to the doctors. I lived with doctors all of my life, my parents. And I just have and thing about not wanting to go get medical help. It was hard enough to get me into thearpy, Kristi, Kay, Allison, my parents, two Jamies, and a bunch of other friends had to say something was wrong or directly say they think I should try it out before I really gave it hard thought.

I just hope that I can get back on my feet at this point. I really can't think of too much else to say, this weekend I have a full calender, I'm going out to two movies tonight, one of them is Rickey's that I hadn't seen yet and the other is Doom, that's right, for those of you who don't know they have made a movie out of that terrible game. Well its the duty of people like me to go see it and make fun of it, because that's what I do.

Hmm what else is there to talk about, you know I haven't talked about anything political or seriously crippling on this thing in like a year, funny huh? I really decided that I hated politics like around the time of the election last year, I remember I even told people to boycott the vote because both of the candidates weren't qualified to run a convience store, let alone the most powerful nation in the world. I remember the pose well, it was titled Reenact And Don't Vote

And there was that strange period of sexual/gender/sociatial issues that were discussed between me, Twinks, Autumn and Amanda. I know the one that got me in the most hot water was the one that I wrote on my rant blog, No Nation Army: About That Oral Sex Thing. For those of you that don't know I am planning on doing and update to that post, about how I feel now, but for right now let's just say a few things have changed. I know its funny the last thing people want to hear is a virgin's opinion on sexual things that he's never experinced that are based mostly on a mixture of Catholocism, a general chiviarious attitude, and an adverse hatred for most other males.

I think my hatred for most other males came to a head when I order that someone kill Usher because of how he had used his affair with another woman to make money and trick millions of women nationwide into thinking that he was being a gentlemen and generally sorry by doing it, that post can be found: here.

And who could forget the first dirty comment I got, and how much I got a kick out of it, I was so proud of myself. It can all be found at the post A New Day. And then there was my timely response

Funny how far this little blog has come, when I started I never dreamed I'd have readers or other blogging friends or even any kind of audience, now look at this! Here's to another year and many more after.

I Am Jack's Sad Part

I went to my second session today, things went pretty well and I think I touched on some stuff that I really haven't spoken to anyone else about. But I guess that with what I have been holding in, its hard to say that I have been telling anyone very much of anyhting. I'd have to say that the only person who knows what's really happening is Allison. I guess because I trust her more than I trust anyone else here right now.

I called her and told her that I was feeling down and that I just wanted to hang out and not have to deal with the people at the school for a change, she and I met up after her class let out and went down to Wingstop and had some food, then we went to Starbucks. I felt much better just having been around her. Somehow she just helped by being there and that's not something that just anyone can do.

We hung out and talked for a good three hours, probably the most enjoyable time I've had in the last few weeks. I don't think she knows what she did by hanging out with me, but it really helped me to feel better. After the Starbucks we came back to her place and watched Ghost Hunters, I've never really watched the show...but it was very interesting. More scientific than I would have expected, it was something I could really watch more often I think.

Hmm I guess I don't have much to say, I really felt kind of down still when I came hoem and then to add insult to injury my dad called with no other purpose to check on me, he never cares how I feel or if I'm alright even though we talked about how I've been down lately and we've talked about getting conseling, he didn't ever ask if I went, he just decides that all that matters are grades. I'm tired of this stress, my neck is a mess, it hurts so bad. And I can't think about any one thing for too long without wanting to go insane. I realize now that people won't really care about you for the most part, I know some people do, but even the people who should don't always care. And that's the sad part...

PS: For you new readers, the I Am Jack's... titles are an old thing, if you look back you'll see them starting on April Second 2005 and ending on May First 2005. There are some holes where it stopped, but its a system I really like...

I Am Jack's Belated Action

Today, how to describe today, I really can't think of much else that can go wrong in my mind. I say and do things and when I think back on them I can only see how it will go wrong, how I'm wrong for trying this or that. I wonder what did this, how did I get like this. Why can't I just see things the way someone who's normal does?

I'm really just tired of trying to interact with people and to figure out what's wrong with me, but I know when I stop that things are only going to get worse. I wish I could be a loner but I know I can't. I know that now but I really don't know what to do now. Tomorrow I start going to thearpy sessions, just because of all this. It's really hard for me to have to even talk about it, I haven't told anyone else here except for one person.

And even then I can't believe that I'm doing it myself. I wish I could say that things were just fine, but they're not and they aren't really getting better on their own. So I guess this is me trying to get the help I should have months back. Well I have to go, I might add a little more to this later tonight.

I Am Jack's Freedom of Thought

A long time back I would have filled this blog with things that it really wasn't my place to care about...why do I say it wasn't my place to care about them, well I find that the people they involved couldn't have given a care about me in the first place. I realize that now, looking back I wasted a lot of energy on things that I shouldn't have even had in my head.

I'm trying to figure out what I can do to make up for lost time here, but I can't because this place is supposed to remain as is, that's just one of my things. I guess for now I will pick up where things come in this week.

Not much has been going on this week, I have a test this next week so I need to get ready for that. But in news that does not concern the depressing mess that is school. So many things have happened outside of all that, and some of it will sound very familiar although the tone that it is in will not. Once more Brandon (my old roommie) has made another girl mad, although I don't really think that this is his fault, I mean he really didn't do anything that she herself didn't guess he would and she was told by several people.

I don't see how a girl can get mad when all you're guilty of is doing the exact thing she did to someone else. It doesn't make sense but I just see a lot of irony in the fact that this same thing happened with Brandon and another girl around the same time last year and I was all on the girl's side last time.

I haven't changed my stance on women and men, but I have changed the way I look at things. That's why I type all of this here, I have changed to the point that I see how a lot of things that women do are at times wrong. Recent events have helped me to see this, being accused of things I in no way did, and being cast out for the simple fact that I was trying to be nice. Right now I really don't care for many people.

There is however one girl I think I like enough to try something, she seems really nice and sweet. Funny thing is she's kind of like Mandi, well when I say kind of, I mean really. She looks like, acts like and has this whole Mandi aura around her. She's not quite as excitable maybe, but anyone who knows Mandi and saw this girl would thing, Wow, she's like Mandi.

I really don't know how to approach her, she seems like she might be a little nervous or something. But I'll probably figure something out. I'm at least good at thinking on my feet.

I talked to an old friend a little while ago and something came up that interested me. I was saying how no one was around so I might just watch Firefly all day. My friend, Amanda from my old high school suggested that I watch the CSU game (I have no idea who that is). I said Eww, I'm not watching sports and she asked me why and I told her that I never watch sports, she knows all of this.

She went on to say that every guy that she knew would be watching some sort of game, and I told her that I'm not trying to fit in with every guy. And then she said something that shocked me, she was just like And you never did, that's what makes you unique. I was proud of her for something, I mean four years we hung out together and went to school together and I never thought that she realized I was any different from the sex crazed drunk jocks and poser wannabe gangsta's that ran around our school.

While I wonder where I belong I never try to fit in with someone just because they are there or because its the socially acceptable thing to do. I basically do what I want to do, I've realized that most of my life I have been a free thinker, I don't follow into crowds. Like when I think about how I was in elementary school and junior high and even high school...I did things that I wanted to do. Like in high school people wouldn't hang out with a certain girl I knew because she had a reputation for doing bad things and just talking to her was socially unacceptable. I talked to her because she was a really sweet person and always nice to me. We never did anything wrong together, but she was always there for me and I was there for her.

Amanda made me realize that I never have been one to fall in line and just follow like many others do. But there was a time last year when I did just that and I'm glad that I've gotten over that. I hope that I can stay this way and keep my head above the masses. Well I have to head out. I've typed on this far too long, but there's one more important thing to mention. Jo, a friend of mine has started a blog here. Go check it out!

Swamped

There is way too much going on right now and I am feeling swamped and bogged dowm, I'm not sure if I can take this much longer or if I was even meant to. Right now I can't sleep, but I don't want to sit here and right in this much either.

No Use For A TItle...2

Not much that I can really say, things have been kind of up in the air lately. I don't know how much I can say, I'm worried about a friend of a friend. A really sweet girl who's not feeling very good right now, other people I know seem to be making a lot of dumb descions and one person told me something that I never really thought about although I haveh eard it before, I need to stop worrying about so much and just calm down.

I have really been trying to change things around here lately, and today was a welcome change, I woke up to the soft sounds of rain and the blaring of my ring tone, Blink-182's Feeling This. It was cool and wet outside, just like I wanted it. I was shocked to have someone else tell me that they liked it like that here, Jamie mentioned how much she loved this time of year too. I think this time of year is when I'm happiest, which is bad because if this is me at my happiest something is very wrong.

Thanks a million to Jamie, Twinks and Amanda for the comment (I moved Jamie's comment over from xanga to my blogger account), but I feel much better just hearing stuff like that! And Jamie, in the future I will try my hardest to make sure that I don't curse too much so you can actually read my stuff!

I can't wait, tomorrow there might be another cold front, there might be more rain and that would be so good. Earlier Allison dropped by, I sat over the easy chair and talked to her while she was on the couch behind me, our living room is out of whack, CJ's camped out there for the internet access, here's the file photo 1...

Yeah I know, there's a couch behind the other freaking chair and the televison has been substituted with...a computer!

It felt really good to sit and talk with her, she had come over ot borrow an egg and ended up staying about and hour and half to just talk. I like having someone to talk to, so often I think I don't really pay attention to those around me when I have the chance, I took the oppurtunity today.

CJ was uploading pics a lot of the time, but he came in and talked with us too. It was fun and the dreainess outside really set a good mood.

Oh, I don't know if I said this and I doubt she'll see it, but happy Birthday to Durae, Megan and Juliet! I have actual pictures of Durae and her roommate Alex in my living room, they're the freshmen I talk about so much. And here's file photo 2...

Well I hope there's not much else to say, I hope they all have good birthdays, umm good fight, good night!

Bad Week

ALright as an update, last week was just really bad for everyone, I have friends getting sick and a hard time with school and just an all around not so good thing going on here. I'm really not in a good mood, I saw that yesterday and I don't know what to say or do anymore so that I don't get mad at someone and go off. Right now I'm sitting here in the room, Brandon justh eaded back home, he hasn't slept yet so he needs to catch up. I'm wondering if I shouldn't grab a quick nap to catch up on sleep. It would be nice to actually have a reliable sleep schedule but I need to work hard at it to get that kind of thing started.

Since I last wrote in this thing I got news that Tiffany was getting married next summer. Well I'm happy about it and all, she seems to be the only person I know who had a good week. Then I thought, well she hasn't even been dating this guy for a year yet? I mean she and PJ only broke up this week a year ago...

I know this might sound bad too, but I look around and there are so many people I know that rush into things, people I know that seem to be a little in over their head. People are a little gung—ho and whatever it takes when they should be still trying to figure out how much they really like a person. I remember the last time I was all gung—ho about some girl and I really learned my lesson. I haven't trusted what a girl said or did to me since then. Because the last time I did it was just a bunch of lies. And I'm not trying to say that lal girls are like that, but it makes it harder to trust them when you get the few that are and really mess you over.

I'll give people a chance, I won't judge them on looks or anything like, which is not to say that I don't like a girl that looks good. But I know that its not the only thing that matters. I'm tired of girls deciding things before they even get to know you, especially when you wanted to be friends with them and nothing else, its like what the hell, I'm not even good enough to be you're friend?

It hurts to hear the same thing over and over again when you really didn't mean any harm, espeically when you tired to present things in a non-harmful way. I feel bad because its hard to be a guy this day and age, I mean not hard as in there's no jobs because women took them all, let's get real.

I know so many guys who have been called creepy and stalkerish for doing normal things, not to say that stalking someone is nromal. But if you know a girl for a month and you send her flowers at work, not a stalker. You know a girl for any amount of time and you're in her bushes outside with a telescope and a night vision camera, stalker. There's not a fine line really. It's a thick, black, well defined sharpie line.

I have never really been one for people doing things that are even considered creepy, but is it so wrong to ask someone out for coffee or be excited when you see someone for the first time in a long time? I mean if you talk to a guy three times a week and then don't see him for two weeks or talk to him during that time, is he really smothering you? I got accused of that last year with you know who.

And you know, I used to try and be nice, I used you try and say that it was just her way, but now I know its fucking bullshit. You wish someone paid you that kind of attention or you wouldn't have flirted back with them, that's how it worked with her at least. After all of this I still think women are better than men, men just piss me off till no end.

And right now, its so hot here, its humid again and its raining and just nasty, I want it to go back to cold and rainy, I love that time of year. I want there to be cool winds and the damp grass again, I want it to be a little bit dark out all day and for there to be a light mist in the air. I love fall just because of all those things. I live for this time of year and for the cold.

And yet school is so hard now, I don't even know if I'm cut out for this, what am I cut out for. I need to do something, I need to shape out. This morning I just prayed that I could make it through all of this, that I could get up on time and get where I need to be and just make it. I don't know, I really want to be something, nothing bit like a famous writer, but I would like to write. It's what I enjoy. And yet i haven't written in months, I haven't had an idea or made a story. I just feel useless now and I need to get out of that mode.

Hmm, well this ran a little long, I better get to napping, because I really can't stand it anymore.

She Was Right

Things around here really need to change, I need to change, I need to stop slacking off. I need to really get to it and hit stuff hard this time around because I can't waste any more of my own time. I feel like I have a lot to say but don't really know how to. And I think part of me feels proud just to have written in this old thing again. I promised myself that it wouldn't make it a year and then just end, there are lots of stories still to be told, and a lot of experinces to be had here.

I guess I will talk just a bit about the movie, earlier Allison, her roommate, and CJ went with me to the movies to see Serenity. Very good, very funny—one of the best things I have seen this summer. I think that this summer really lacked in the way of movies, I mean sure there were a few that were real good, but for the most part it was just dribble.

There really isn't much to say about the movie besides that, I mean I don't want to turn this entry into a review although talking about what I want to just seems like something I can't bring myself to do. See, almost one year ago I got fed up, I got tired of people I didn't want read my live journal reading it and I got tired of the whole live journal format...so I came here and I made this blog. It was new and exciting and no one knew about it but me and my CPU. Then I got new friends and told them about it, joined facebook and posted a link there and the thing just spread.

Now I am back where I was a year ago, I wish I had left this thing to be here and to exist without knowledge of it getting around, without posting a link and whoring it out. I know so many people who look at it from time to time. It makes me see why Autumn and Twinks do what they do.

I feel like I need to start a new blog, but then I don't want to...I don't want to lose what I've made here, I've made a good place for myself. I've made something that has so much history behind it. This blog, a years worth of posts, plus back dated posts from my old blog. Friends that I made with this thing, comments; funny and sweet. I just can't let this thing go.

Which means that what I say now will only make sense to one person, if she even sees this. You were right, you were right about how things were going to be. I can't really say much more, and with all that you said I know that must sound vague. But just think back to the things you told me not to count on so much and talk about so much when you told me I was interesting too, just know that you were right and that I listened.

I take comfort in the fact I half prepared myself for this, I am ready for what's to come now. And I can also take comfort in the fact that my life just got better for now it is fall in San Antonio and it is cold outside. I wish I had someone to walk through the park with here, this is the kind of weather I dream about.

Finally, I can listen to my Ataris CD again, other times of the year it pisses me off, in winter its gold...

...so long astoria we found the map to buried treasure and even if we come home empty handed we still have our stories...

Quickie

Tomorrow is the movie with Allison, I sure hope that htings go through, this is just the thing she needs to get all cheered up. And now I have to go to class tomorrow, Durae got her hair cut and she's looking all...well let's just call it hot now. I haven't really hung out much with her and her friends lately. It's kind of strange, you know how you start hanging around some people and you think, this will be cool, its going to last, but then suddenly thingsj ust kind of fall apart. Well that didn't happen, and I'm glad, I like hanging out with them.

Last year I had some friends I hung out with all of the time at the start of the year and now I don't even talk to them, not online, not on facebook, not even in passing, its like we just fell out with out falling out. They were both girls and they both have boyfriends now, so they spend every waking moment up under them. I really can't take that. I know the one will breka up with hers when she's done sofocating herself. The two girls don't even talk anymore they had a big fight over something totally stupid and beside the point.

I hope the friends I meet this year I can continue to hang out with past the first semester.

Cold Front!!!!

Well I usually don't do this in the middle of the day, but I guess I figured that it couldn't hurt. It's strange how people around here are acting, I have met a lot of new people around here. Some of them have been very nice, other's not so much. I think college is hard to get through unless you have a strong base of people which you can interact with. I've found out that things get a lot easier once you have people around you some of the time.

I don't think that I want to end up like I did last year, surrounded by friends to the point that I'm almost sofocating. I hope that some of these people I've met around also being as true about themselves as they can be, most of the time I end up meeting people who love to seem like something that they're not.

Right now there is so much going on and I need to really get back on using this, I think I finally have myself back on a schedule that's do-able, I go to sleep sometime right after midnight and wake up around nine in the morning. If I don't force myself to stay up and keep this up it'll be nice being up when other people are and having time to maybe even get the breakfast!

Well I better get going, I have to get in the shower before dinner, just in case I run into Becca and her friends down there and because of the fact that it was so fucking hot out that I think I just need a shower. But there is good news, tonight there should be a cold front, so it'll get cold!

...not cold, but cooler and I'll take that over this right now!

Odd Day

Today was odd to say the least, but its even odder that I'm already tired when I don't normally go to bed until around 5:00 AM. I had a few good discussions with some people today, most of them just me trying to interact with someone else. I got that done some today when I hung out over in the other dorms that are right across from here.

I've come to that point where I am not dealing with others when I don't want to, I realize now that something someone very dear said not too long ago about learning to treat myself sometimes really comes in handy here. I've learned to talk about myself and treat myself every once in a while, well enough to get through the day. Although I have to wonder about a lot of the other things that work around here. How does a girl who whines about not being able to meet nice guys, turn down someone's attempts to talk to her twice and then bitch about having a stalker? I mean just because I eat dinner around the same time you do in a cafe that holds over two hundred people doesn't mean you have a stalker.

I don't care about it anymore, I have so many other things to do. But it makes me mad at the other people who do this. You can't be expecting some miraculous guy to find you even when you turn down every attempt made. Right now I'm not even worried about it, but it just seems so dumb how women work at times, they contradict themselves and then complain when they aren't understood. You need to try and udnerstand yourself first.

I mean since school started I have had one girl talk to me, IM me, want me to call her, and then she asked me to meet her on campus only to not show up three times, then when called not pick up her phone and when questioned online she would either not respond or if it happened mid converstation she would mysteriously go offline. Another girl when asked to go get coffee freaked out and decided I was a stalker? Like what the fuck, you were just bitching about how guys never talk to you. When one does he's a stalking you? Sounds like someone I remember from last year.

There is however goodnews, a girl is coming down this weekend to hang out, as is a friend from home, Charlie Torres. I'm hoping that this weekend will be a repeat of the last one. Also I plan to talk to this girl more about the modeling thing at dinner tomorrow, I hope this goes well. She seems to actually like hanging out with me and she's not shy so I hope she doesn't mind taking like five to ten pics or so!

Well I have to go, I'm ultra tired.

"To What Ever It Takes"

This weekend was a very good weekend, I never expected it to be but things just seemed to fall into place. I met a lot of people this weekend, one of them really stood out, she's very nice, funny, pretty and seems to be oddly nice to me. It's fun to have a new friend and not know what to expect yet.

Is it odd that it scares the shit out of my to think of a relationship and yet I really want one, I want a chance to prove to myself that I have it in me to do things right. Over the last year and a half I changed a lot, I mean over the last four months I've changed a lot. I've learned a lot and I've learned what to look out for, I mean I should have. Last year especially I got tricked into thinking someone was something when they were something else all together.

Getting over that combined with the other previous failures is hard. But I guess that I'll just have not get too ahead of myself, I have a way of doing that. And it sucks to get your hopes to have them dashed. There's been a lot of things brewing up lately, I mean aside from the new friendships. There has been a lot of arguing going on in our little group. Not that I'm worried, I mean I knew it would come sooner or later.

Everyone's mad at someone or something, for the most part I haven't really been in the group, I've kind of moved around on the edges and outside of it, skirted this fight so far, but there's two people who if anyone messes with too much I'll have to step in, Allison and Jenn, those two never did anything wrong to anyone. They don't need to be messed with.

Lately I have not been using many of my HTML tags, I guess when I first learned them I was eager to use them or something, now it seems I only do them when need be, but I miss them kind of. So I think I'll have to start using them more like I used to...

Well I need to go brush my teeth and get ready to go to lunch, I'll be around later on.

Change in the Wind

I spent the day meeting several new people just because I felt like it, all in all I must have met several new girls and guys which makes me happy. More and more I am starting to see that some people were right about what I'm doing with friends around here. I just needed to have a wider variety of friends. I think that's part of the reason that I am stuck here all of the time, no one I know want's to get out. Earlier this week I want to Burger King with these three Freshmen girls and I relaized that its not hard just to hang out with people.

It's just that whenever I mention that to most people I get a Man, its too hard to just talk to people, people are difficult to work with.

People are not that hard to deal with, it just that it's much easier to sit here all day than to try and be social. Well from now on I'm going to try and get to know people. I've been reassured just how nice people can be around here really. I've also been reassured that I need to stop making certain kinds of jokes as they don't pretain to the general population.

See my friends make a lot of references to animes and videogames in their jokes, and it was cool when it was just us hanging around and talking in the dorms or at the dinner table. But the problem comes when we're at the table with someone and all that we're doing is thosek inds of jokes. I watched this girl sit there today and just try to force laughs out because my friends were all laughing at something that wasn't even all that funny to begin with.

See I had gone to dinner with some guys that I met earlier today, and when they left I hung out with some of Brandon's old friends, they were pretty cool. There was this gorgeous redhead with them, she was like spectacular looking. But that's besides the point. Some girl came in and I was walking about how I hated where we were sitting. And this girl was at another table. By now all of the girls on the side of the room we were on had left.

So I was talking about this little setback, when suddenly she looked up and laughs about it because she over hears me. Well after she was done laughing she invited me over to the table where she was. Which was odd because, one a girl inviting me anywhere is odd and two she was way too pretty for me to be seen with normally.

Well Brandon, this guy named Frank, his friend Cody and I moved over to sit with her. It was all going good, I mean good conversation and everything. But when the rest of our other friends showed up here come the jokes. Sometimes I would like to talk without having to guess that reference or get a perfect 32 joke combo.

So now I think I need to start dispursing myself around from place to place, I have met so many people today that I could see at least being friends with. I'm looking forward to the next few weeks. I hope that with all of this I finally find something that I can be happy about, I know its not good to look for happiness in other people. But the problem is I'm not happy with who I am, I've become a recluse, I don't even carry my cellphone around anymore. I just stay here stuck to a drawing pad all day. I need to be out there.

Until next time, good fight, good night.

Busy

It's been a turbulent week and I can just say that I am glad things are over for now. I feel a lot better than I did at the start of all this. Right now I'm cleaning and waiting to grab a bite to eat at the cafe! I'll try to get to this more some later on this weekend.