Wednesday, March 30, 2005

A Class On Love

Someone should teach a class on love, a real class about what it is to love someone. They should include everything it means to really care about someone and to look out for them as if they were part of you. It should show how you can even care about someone more than you do yourself.

Someone should teach a class on love, they should talk about how love isn’t all happy and cute, it can be painful. Sometimes people don’t love you back, or even worse, they do and they act in an unloving manner. Few things hurt in the way that things involving love do.

Someone should teach a class on love, someone should show people that when you love someone you couldn’t dream of physically hurting them or emotionally hurting them. And when they feel emotionally hurt because of something you’ve done to them, it makes you feel physical pain. When you think just for a second you might have caused a bad feeling, no matter if it was indirect or not, you wench and get queasy from it.

Someone should teach a class on love, they should tell that love is not an obligation to anyone. If you love someone, you can love them and not be in a relationship with them. You can just be friends with them and if they love you back or even care for you, they can understand you and respect that. Just because someone comes and says they love you doesn’t mean you have to go out with them or something. They could really generally love you and care for you’re welling being and all they want to do is see you happy.

Someone should teach a class on love and how when you love someone, all you want is their happiness.


Well this entry goes with a lot of things, most of which I won’t go into, but they involve a friend of mine and something she feels an obligation that’s not. They also point out how I generally feel about love. I wrote this, its not some little internet chain letter, fuck no. I sat down and did this to show anyone who sees this that love is something that should be very important to us, something not to be taken lightly.

Did anyone ever see the last episode of Angel where this little exchange took place:

(Building rumbles.)
Conner: Uh, that's not good, is it?
Angel: Wolfram & Hart. Looks like they're taking the gloves off.
Conner: What do we do?
Angel: You go home.
Conner: Huh?
Angel: This is my fight.
Conner: That's some serious macho--Aah!
(Building begins to collapse)
Angel: Go home...now.
Conner: They'll destroy you.
Angel: As long as you're okay, they can't. Go.

Did anyone else catch that last part, “As long as you’re okay, they can’t…” that’s real love. This right here was the only television example I could think of, so its from a show I watched like a jillion times, sue me.

Friends

I spent the morning once again serving my engagement, but tonight I actually got to go to a sneak preview of Sin City, it was really good and I actually want to see the movie again. It’s one of the best I’ve seen in a while. But I really shouldn’t go into the movie too much, no one else has really seen it and I’m still having a hard time believing that I am among the first.

There’s more on my mind than just that, things here seem to be slipping into a pretty bad place, I know in my mind that everything is fixable, but some things here seem to have gone just too far. I’d like to think that you can pick a set of friends and stand by them and stand up for them, but it seems that the more and more I think about it the more and more I realize that the people that I would really stick up for, the ones that I really can count on to come help me out in a real pinch, are getting to be fewer and fewer.

It seems you make enemies by just not taking crap off people, its hard to stick up for yourself and not be set out as some kind of asshole. When all you did is just tell someone you didn’t like what they were doing to you.

I have friends here I would do anything for, because they’ve been there for me. Friends are those people you can count on, the ones that are down there in the trenches with you when shit gets topsy-turvy. There’s not a lot of that in this world and I’m thankful to have it.

I think I go over this all of the time, but it can’t be said enough. I love my friends!

Look, don’t worry I am going to write about some serious shit tomorrow, so check back then.

Survey thing


Three names you go by.

  • Justin
  • Justy
  • That’s All

Three screennames you have had.

  • Cardboard Tube Knight
  • Jayce
  • Carousel

Three things you like about yourself. [This is reaching.]

  • My height
  • My ability to seem fine when I’m nervous
  • My writing ability

Three things you don't like about yourself. [This is too easy.]

  • My attitude
  • My weight
  • My teeth

Three things that scare you.

  • Losing a good friend
  • Heights
  • Being Alone

Three of your everyday essentials.

  • Cell Phone
  • Writing Pad
  • Wallet

Three things that you are wearing right now.

  • Vans
  • Watch
  • Shorts

Three of your favorite bands or artists.

  • Blink-182
  • Taking Back Sunday
  • Story of the Year

Three of your current favorite songs.

  • Ever So Sweet – Early November
  • A Perfect Sonnet – Bright Eyes
  • If I Can’t Be Yours - Thantanos

Three new things you want to try in the next twelve months.

  • A Relationship
  • Working Out
  • Writing something serious

Three things you want in a relationship.

  • Someone to care for that cares for me
  • Someone who’s comfortable around me
  • The kind of person you can just lay there and hold, not say a word and know what they’re thinking

Two truths and a lie. (Guess.)

  • I feel kind of blah now
  • X-Files is On
  • I love Apples

Three physical things you like about the opposite sex.

  • Legs
  • Eyes
  • Hair

Three things you just can't do.

  • Feel Needed
  • Be Perfect
  • Fly

Three things you can do.

  • Write
  • Draw
  • Drive

Three of your favorite hobbies.

  • Writing
  • Drawing
  • Conversation

Three things you want to do really badly right now.

  • Watch Pulp Fiction
  • Talk to someone
  • Sleep for like 12 hours

Three careers you're considering.

  • Writer
  • Lawyer
  • FBI Agent

Three places you want to go on vacation.

  • England
  • Japan
  • Los Angeles

Three kids' names.

  • Julianna
  • Meriel
  • Ashley

Three things you want to do before you die.

  • Get married
  • Have Daughters
  • Write A Novel

Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Watch Me Abuse My Photobucket Account!

The city was so beautiful today, to bad I was stuck in a shitty building looking out at it most of the time. And tomorrow I get to do it again, hooray.

Don’t worry about me, at least I got these bad ass pictures of the city.

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

Yeah Houston is a great looking city. After I got away from my appointment I went and took a nap and got a Cinnabon!!!

I sat around for a few hours and just rested some, I needed to work the sickness off. After that I headed back to Jeff’s house, right when I got here Laura was online. SO I proceeded to do what I had wanted to all day, I asked her out, it went like this:

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

Not bad really, I hope she’ll want to hang out sometime soon.

I also talked to Katherine on the phone for a few good hours, that was a lot of fun. It’s nice to be cool with older people on the campus, right now that means her and Brenton. I actually showed her this thing today. She seemed to like it. Its not very often I go show casing this blog, but when I do they seem to like it. I apparently have a rather large audience. I hope none of them saw the post yesterday.

I have yet to actually hang out with Katherine, we just can’t seem to make it work because of the whole thing about college life kind of being busy at times. I’m sure it’ll happen soon.

Well I better go, I leave you with funny things from Emily.

Image hosted by Photobucket.com

Notable Quote: from Emily

"Who were the beta-testers for Preparations A through G?"

Monday, March 28, 2005

Life Is Hard...

...unless you're a giant 200 hundred foot tall war ready robot. Man that is some sweet, sweet action. Stepping on shit and crushing villages. I have got to get me one of thems. Then I could kick the crap out of a monkey. Damn, I hate that monkey. He's so cool and snide, with is little monkey smirk and those beedy eyes.

Yeah fuck that monkey, what did he ever do for us. Fuck that monkey and the horse he rode in on.

Don't ask

Emily was telling me that the things between feet and inches in height are a prime and a double prime, like I didn't know it or something. But I don't care because when you think about it those things aren't on the keyboard. And if its not on the keyboard who cares. I think that's how it'll become in the real world. If its no on the keyboard it'll be done away with. And they'll combine letters to make more room and shit. Like 'c' and 'k'...that could totally be one letter.

(Its in italics because its fucking hard to make blogger get off the italics.)

Sunday, March 27, 2005

What Has To Be Done...

I want to say that I need to just get up and ask girls out from now on, I have this tendency to worry too much over nothing. I turn things into a bigger ordeal than they are. I mean a few dates never hurt anyone right? I can’t go through life just drifting about hoping that the girls I like with just come to me.

I’m hearing more and more often that I must have something for women’s breasts and although I think its not true, most of the girls I’ve been interested in since getting her have been well endowed. I think it might be a coincidence, I really don’t think there’s anything to it all. I really think there’s not much physically better on a girl than her legs.

I need to come back here on whatever day its going to be and just talk to this girl, tell her that I would like to take her out on a date. One of the first things that she talked to me about was that no nice guys ever ask her out. Well I need to bring that up, make my case and all. I think that there must be something wrong with me, I just want to try and date someone, even if it doesn’t work out as planned or whatever. I realize that some of the best things in life are unplanned.

Today when Jamie called I wanted to talk to her about the whole deal, but I don’t want her to have to worry about me or help me out all of the time. I sometimes feel like I ask so much of her and don’t do enough for her. Jamie is seriously one of the best people I have ever met. Its hard to find someone that’s nicer than her, someone that is just so caring and takes care of others so well.

I don’t think I’ve seen her as happy as I did the other day, it made me feel good to see her like she was. She was really smiling, really laughing; just happy to be around her friends again. I really think that’s all that mattered, when I saw her doing that stuff the other day I realized that she would be alright. Jamie will be okay.

Hmm, its not like I have a lot of time to do this, I have to get home tomorrow morning and I have to finish cleaning up in here. This place was left in a mess and I don’t like taking care of it. But I need to clean up. I’m putting down that carpet powder and stuff so that it smells all nice in here and is clean.

I know that I was the one who back home kept things too dirty and all, but I usually didn’t keep it to the point that there were horrible smells coming out. I just can’t have things like this, people come over and complain about it and I wouldn’t want them to have to deal with the smell whenever they come over.

So next week when I come back this place will completely clean and there will be no more of these washable plates, we’re going to do away with that completely. I can’t take the smell of food here and the things I eat here are almost always fast food items that go in the trash right away. Right now my room is in a bit of disarray, but I am going to fix that and possible put some things in new places because I need the room in here. I think I might take some pictures after its all said and done.

I am liking the new digital camera, I’ve been taking pictures of everything. Well I better either go write in another one of these things or go back to cleaning, the smell of the carpet powder is making me dizzy.

Noteable Quote: This happened while Brenton and CJ were playing Champions of Norrath.
CJ: Hell yeah, my strenght is almost at 400! I'll be strong as fuck!
Brenton: Yeah and you're dumb as hell!

Saturday, March 26, 2005

A Taste Of Things That Passed

Today I’ve been more active than I have in any other in this semester, but at the same time, I have to say that I need to work on so many things. I have a lot of school crap to catch up on, so that’s going to make my life hard for a while.

But I can honestly say that I am really excited about one thing, I’m starting to really get to know Jamie’s friend Laura better, she’s fun to hang around with and just interesting. I wish I had more time to talk to her, but I guess all things come in time. Today I finally got to see Battle Royale, it was pretty good. Just that mix of comedy and action you expect from that kind of movie. It reminded me of Versus.

Well this was kept short because I should be wrapping this day up and climbing into bed. I’ll be around.

Thursday, March 24, 2005

Just Here...

There was a lot of conversation last night, if I didn’t say this already. It did me a lot of good. Just sitting around and having intelligent conversations with guys makes me feel a little better. So much conversation with the average guy is about women, and yeah I like doing that at times too.

But other times I like to hear things that actually take a lot of thought and observations, I like to spend time watching people around me, normally when I’m really quiet its what I do. I watch the people around me, people are interesting. One thing I noticed is that a lot of things that we do from day to day involve time management.

I was telling Rickey that even a guy that sleeps with several different girls needs good time management in that he has to make sure two of them don’t show up at once. It’s not a very kind example, but it is true. And the truth is always better than being Politically Correct.

Many people think that when you tell the truth you do it for shock value, while that might be an effect of it, its not like everyone who tells the truth does that. I don’t like to shock people, I don’t even like to draw attention to myself really. I do however like to be as truthful as possible.

Rickey talked about how you can only tell certain people a certain amount of the truth. For instance, he knows that telling something to this one guy, the same one I yelled at, will not sink in because the guy is too proud and pig headed. So in that way he knows that he can’t be too real with that person, only as real as that person will allow him to be.

It’s kind of a boundary, but its not so much one that it hinders interaction. I know if Rickey had a choice he wouldn’t deal with this person, and neither would I. But oh well, things will fall where they may.

On another note I think I’m starting to develop a crush on one of Jamie’s friends. She’s just really fun to hang out with, I think Jamie noticed how I was acting. She’s getting to know my little moods better, so I wouldn’t be surprised if she saw right through me. I don’t know how to act on this, asking a girl out isn’t my area of expertise; I guess I’m just being a wuss.

I can try something when I get back from Houston this weekend, I will try to get back here ASAP. I can’t stand being home…I will talk to Jamie about all of this, but she’s sick and I’m a little worried about her. I don’t want her to be indisposed because she needs to get to work and class.

I saw Rickey and Ruth today, it was really funny seeing Ruth since we always talk about her and to her, but she’s never seen. If this were a sitcom we could just have a voice over play Ruth for when she calls over the phone. It would be cool. Ruth reminds me a lot of Rickey, and I know that she should because she’s basically Rickey’s very best friend.

Plans for tonight got canceled, I guess I could find something else to do, but I don’t know if its worth it. I’m already getting kind of tired—I think its me trying to get over this sickness.

Well I think I’m going to head off to do something else. I need something to keep me occupied for a while.

Later....

I've got things to talk about later on, like how the words 'time management' and 'assosicates' came up in conversation last night. Oh and how I think someone should start a scared straight program for girls.

Another Good Day

Hung out with Jamie and some of her friends, talked with Rickey and Eddie. Apparently I scared the shit out of the guy I yelled at a while back, I feel so proud of myself. But I won't let it go to my head. Can't wait till tomorrow, going to hang out with Jamie and her friends if things go right.

And Chappelle show season 2 comes out. Its time for me to hit the sack.

Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Is All Right In The World

I have to say that I feel a lot better emotionally than I think I have in some months. Everything about today screamed things are getting better. I really don’t have much to type, but I can say this. Sometime this week I should have long post up about some stuff that went on the other night, like a certain question I was asked and the stupid ass conversation that spawned from it.

Right now I’m in the middle of a paper, so I better get going. All I can say is that all’s not right in the world, but its close enough for me to go on living in a normal way.

Tuesday, March 22, 2005

I'm Back

I’m a nice guy.

I’ve been and down on what to do about my new attitude, I’ve been more scared of myself because I seem to be inactive at times when I usually would have said or done something. I’ve been massive amounts of crap off people lately, and tonight—all of that ended.

I can’t say that I instigated it, I was just playing around with a friend, joking with her about some food she had left in another friend’s fridge. Then, someone else jumped in—the same person, who had talked bad about Jamie, talked bad about me behind my back and just utterly annoyed some other people I really care about.

He didn’t just jump into the conversation; he raised his voice and cursed at me. I didn’t lose it. I just told him straight up, “If you raise you’re goddamn voice at me, I’ll bounce your ass out that window.”

….

I’m a nice guy, but I can only take so much before I really start to get mad. And I stopped myself from saying more. He, in turn, left. And I resumed normal conversation about a different subject. There is one person I know who can yell at me like that, if they ever had, curse and raise their voice at me about something that doesn’t involve them, and I would be forced to say nothing.

Guess what?

You ain’t her buddy…

I wasn’t even angry, I mean really angry. I have to say that there will be repercussions from this, there will be talk within the group, there will be people asking Rickey “Has Justin gone fucking mad?”

No, Justin had a bad day, Justin’s worried about a friend, Justin is sick, Justin is having trouble with school—Justin is not in a mood to be fucked with. Just to give you guys an idea, I woke up this morning, and the first thing I did was throw up! Oh that’s it, the best part of waking up is throwing up in a toilet bowl! Yay.

Then I just felt generally bad, I just miss some things, I miss old times. I miss people. I miss a lot of stuff. It’s sad to just sit around sick and have to think about the stuff you wish that you could do. But I tried to pull myself out of it, I showered I got dressed.

I can’t say things were great, but they got a little better. Then I start to think that maybe Desiree’s not calling me back because I did something wrong, I’m always doing the wrong thing, so its not like this is my first fuck up, I’m full of them. I mean I think I cause like half her problems. So then I’m worrying about that.

Even at that point, I’m not mean, I’m not kicking babies or gut checking old ladies, but when you raise your voice at me after you’ve been giving infinite fucking chances to just act like a civilized person; I might feel prompted to say something back.

I’m a nice guy but no one likes being walked all over, no one likes someone sticking their nose in shit that isn’t any of their business, especially when you know that they aren’t doing it for anyone’s well being; when they’re just out to give their own self-image a spit shine.

I can’t say that I’ll be mean tomorrow, if I run into him. In fact I hope I won’t, because I bounce back fast normally and I’m usually nice until you do something else. But that was just a warning. I’d rather have someone out and out tell me that they don’t like me, than wait until the chips are down and have them walk away from me. I know who my real friends are and I care about them for it, I’ll be there for them always.

Monday, March 21, 2005

Depression’s Just a Sarcastic State of Mind

Well I’ve gone and gotten sick, that just shows that we keep it too could in this place. I woke up this morning so sore, with the master of head aches and an aching throat. I just stared at the ceiling and thought, ‘there is no way I’m going to class’. And the next thing I know I felt like I needed to throw up, needless to say not the best time I’ve had here.

It surprisingly beats out most of last week. I can’t believe how happy I was to be back, last night I saw Rickey, John, Brenton and Nicole; it seemed like all I could think about while I was gone was how much I missed some people. The only people I could even bring myself to call were Rickey and Jamie.

I really want to see some people this week, mostly Jamie, Desiree and Mandi—hell I haven’t seen Mandi in about three weeks. She’s really fun to hang out with. Well all of the people I call friends are.

Last night I got to hang out with Rickey and John, we all went to Jim’s—well ‘all’ meaning the three of us. We sat there at the same table that I sat at with Rickey and a large group of friends last week and we talked about the things going on around us. Rickey and I had a lot to say. I’m glad to say that I have a friend that’s so straightforward, someone that I know if they ask me something I can tell the truth to and they’ll do the same to me, if its my business. It’s funny though, because that same quality makes other people harder for me to trust, I mean this is the first time I’ve found another male willing to be truthful about things. Most guys I know try to criticize the way I am or the way I think without really hearing me out.

Like me and my uncle, we’re so far from each other. His views on women are basically that if there’s no body, why even put up with her? He basically tried to get me to talk to this girl at the Macaroni Grill last week, she was pretty. But she looked like one of those high-maintenance girls. She had on the globs of makeup, tight hip hugger jeans and over all the outfit she had on probably cost somewhere well above the century mark.

Not that I want to say its good to judge people just on appearances or anything like that, but it just kind of seems like over kill. Its more attractive when girl knows she’s pretty and just doesn’t seem to acknowledge it. I don’t really like makeup, its alright when a girl’s wearing a bit of it. But when there’s so much that you can’t tell the original skin color, there’s a problem.

My uncle thought I was being mean, I wasn’t. I was just trying to avoid a strange situation. I’m not completely comfortable around girls that I’m attracted to. I’m good enough to talk to them and interact with them, but when we’re in large groups I have a problem. I guess it might have something to do with some of the people in that group and how much they piss me off and me having to be right there with them.

I’ve gotten to the point that I can’t finish my food sometimes, it just like I get somewhere hungry and my appetite leaves. Not that I have much of an appetite these days. Things like that make me just see how much of a coward I can be. I wonder how much courage I could actually have in a real crucial situation? I wonder if I would be able to do anything brave of noble?

It worries me that I wouldn’t be able to. I would like to think that in a life or death, do or die type thing, I could do something noble, but it wouldn’t really be noble on my part. It would be that thing I do, you know the one where I do something that if I thought it out might sound like a bad choice, but that’s alright, I don’t think too often.

I can just tell that I’m over do for one of those moments; I haven’t done anything that was really good like that in a while. And I doubt it will be anything like saving someone’s life. It might just be telling someone the right thing at the right time.

You can’t really measure that kind of thing on a universal scale, you just have to take it on a case to case basis. I mean I’ve never done anything like what my brother used to do, rushing into a burning building to save people. But I have done other things and I think I will do something like that again. I hope I do it makes me feel better, like there’s hope for something.

I need something to feel good about, I’m actually starting to believe that I might be depressed. Hmm, I guess depression’s just a sarcastic state of mind.

Sunday, March 20, 2005

The Places I've Come to Revere the Most

I’ll try to keep this short because I really don’t feel like monologing here and I’m not really in the mood for it. I’m back at the school and I’m glad to be, going home seems to be nothing more than depressing. I can never muster up like more than two friends who actually are around to do something.

I don’t know what’s going on there, but things are better here, I’ve decided. Have you ever gone somewhere you used to feel at home with and then suddenly it felt like you didn’t belong at all. Like nothing had changed, but everything really had? That’s how I feel at home. That’s why I’m thankful to be back in this place.

See when it comes right down to it, I just know I’m lucky to have this place, to have friends like the ones I have here. I feel like there’s something I can do here. I might not have anything I can do at home, I might not have a spot there anymore, but I have something I can do, I have things I’m good at.

I need to be here to make sure I get better at doing them.

Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Absolute Terror

There’s that first time for everything, well right now I am writing this blog ahead of time, just so that I can post it tomorrow. Now have no fear, if anything really big happens then I will add it to the end of this post. So its not like I’m trying to be deceiving. But one thing I have to say is that if you plan on watching Evangelion, look away, because this is going to be a spoiler from hell.
I was looking over a friend’s old blog entries and he mentioned the show and what he thought it was about. I think he’s right and I even had this discussion with some one else, that whole show with all its fight scenes and religious symbolism boils down to one thing, the interaction between people.

Basically I ask this of anyone who ever sees this, who ever even comes across it one day while their looking for something else…How many of us have felt Fear? How many of us have felt Love? Now how many of us have jumped right into the face of Absolute Fear and stared it down just for love?

Yeah those first two questions sent the hands up but that last one threw you all for a loop? Well love is worth it, but you have to be so much stronger than just the person you start out as to stand in the face of Fear. Men fear lots of things, a lot of them fear different things, some of them fear the same thing. We all say we fear something normal, like I have a fear of heights, and yes its pretty bad.

But what about the fear I never say out loud, not because its too embarrassing but just because its not the normal insight that you give, I’m afraid that some day I’ll someone I love for granted. Love, not romantic mushy mushy love, but the real sticking it out marriage kind of Love. I don’t know why I fear that. Maybe I fear it because I see every day how many men do that and I would hate to be like that.

Now back to what I was talking about before, Evangelion is basically the humans fighting these creatures called Angels. The Angels have one main weapon that renders them nearly invincible to conventional weapons, this weapon is the AT-field, or Absolute Terror.

This field is nothing more than a sacred barrier that incases every heart, soul and mind. Even humans in the show have them although they have don’t have the mastery to use them. What I am trying to say in short is that the field is just a way of showing the barriers we put up to keep ourselves from getting hurt.

People basically pretend to be something that they are not just to come off in one way or another. People seem so scared of each other at times they will completely wall themselves off. I know I’m guilty of this. I’ve been scared of what people might think if I just acted real with them. In truth, half of our problems can be fixed by just acting real…

Even now I can’t be completely real with some people. I can’t just walk up to them and tell them what I think of them, most of the time simply because it would be too rude sounding. I would come off as an asshole.

And there it goes again, right in that last line, “I would come off as an asshole—“ see it yet? “…I would come off as…”

I don’t even know why I give a damn, I think the people I really know, the people I really want to know me, that I want to see the real me see it already. If I look like an asshole to someone I could care less about and don’t like, why do I care.

Because it seems that we almost always care about how people see us. Some people claim not to care about how they are viewed by others, but most of the time these are the same people that would get mad if you were to take a shot at someone they love.
Isn’t someone you love just an extension of yourself?

I would say that it is.

And then there are those out there who fall into such a deep slump that they just seem stuck in a web of the questions “Is there anything worth looking for, worth loving for, worth lying for. Is there anything worth waiting for, worth living for, worth dying for?” Yes there are song lyrics in my blog, but they prove a point.

Have you found the things in your life that answer all of these questions? Now better yet, can they all be answered by the same thing? If so, then damn you’re good. I envy that. I seem to have deviated from what I was talking about, a specialty of mine.

About those AT Fields, I think that they do exist, and yeah you can call me crazy if you want. Or you can run into the middle of a city and try to spread yours an tear some shit up. Then you can bring your idiotic ass back in here and plop down in that chair.

I mean that they exist in a figurative sense; they keep us from understanding each other. The AT field is the only way I can explain some things that I see go on around me, I don’t mean that I literally blame it on this, but when speaking to Rickey, Brenton, Brandon, Eddie or PJ I can use this as a metaphor to describe something because they’ve all seen it and understand it too.

I really don’t want this post to be drug out until its just forced and seems to be something stupid. I don’t really think anything good can come from it if it gets too long. So I want to go ahead and end this pretty soon, but I have to say this: even things like Evangelion that seem like they might just be a really cool show, there is something an underlying meaning to all of the mayhem you see on the screen. And in this show, the underlying principle its trying to teach us all is “Love hurts sometimes, but in the end a world with out it is not a world worth living in.”

Monday, March 14, 2005

Everything's Longer on Dial Up

I just got home, and in true nerd fashion before I did anything else I had to get the computer back together. I don’t really think its all about being nerdy, part of it is just the fact that I have a lot of writing to do and a Hard Drive to fix for my dad. Not that its going to take any significant effort to do that.


I have to use the dial up here, so this is going to take me a while...

Being back here just feels kind of forced to tell the truth, I feel like I shouldn’t be here, like some kind of outsider. I fit in so much better in San Antonio—people there seem to just work better with me. Not sure why that is, it just is.

Yesterday was sure a lot more boring than the one before that. Just about nothing happen, nothing stands out as special really. I said bye to some of my friends and left the dorm. It was kind of somber around the place, hardly anyone was there. I slept soundly for the first time in weeks because no one’s loud music woke me up and it felt almost wrong.

But I know that time away will do us all god, besides I have to see a few people here, like Julie, Tiff and Aubrey, I don’t get to see them very often and while their still in school, I just need to at least stop by their places and say hey.

Of course I’ll stop off at PJs for a bit, that’s just a given. Well I have to finish what I’m supposed to be doing, I’ll try to make my way here like once a day.

Sunday, March 13, 2005

The best things come in small packages, wait...that's not right, the best things come in small groups--oh who gives a rats ass about the title.

Today started out shitty and stupid, I laid around and watched television, bored out of my mind, which hardly ever happens here. I felt sick, unable to write and then something else, I felt like I wanted to just go hang out with someone, anyone that wouldn’t make me annoyed.

But my fear of over exposure to people made me hesitate to call them, so I sat here in this place gestating and waiting until I wanted to really get up and do something. My wits returned to me slowly and I came to the realization that I was hungry.

I called Rickey to see what he was doing, that’s when I found out Ruth was there, and I didn’t want to bother him, he needed time to sit with her with out Brenton, Nicole, CJ or I in the way. Then I called Desiree, she was already going out with her friend. So I called Eddie, and he was up for it. We went to Jims, for the second day in a row and we sat and had breakfast at 5:00 PM. The biggest surprise we got while we were there was the waitress, she was pretty. I mean really pretty. Probably the best looking girl I had seen at Jim’s (working there of course). After the meal we went and hung out at his place, did our own thing, I basically wrote, he played some songs he wanted me to hear, I wrote some more and talked. I write a lot (can you tell?)

We called Rickey to tell him that we should watch Wrath of Khan before it had to be returned, so he told us he would meet up with us when Ruth left. He did just that at about 9:50, shortly after that Desiree just stopped by.

We ordered a pizza and then sat down and hung out for a while, there was even some playing of the old school videogames. I was shocked that Desiree almost showed me and Rickey up. Guess its been too long since anything as small as a SNES controller graced these hands.

We eventually got to watching the movie, it was funny and pretty interesting too, so we had fun. All of them are sleep by now, but I’m glad that we got to try this out. I see how much smoother things go with out those who have a tendency to complicate shit. Why can’t every day involve these same people? Life would be good.

Now…I’m going to watch Without a Paddle!

Saturday, March 12, 2005

Spring Break

Did I have fun with that last little post? Yes I did. How was today you might ask? It was good. Do I really have a lot to say? Not really, I have a lot to think about, I have a lot to ask myself inside, what I really want. If I can stop and let things be or if I have to never give up and risk more.

Isn’t risk what makes life fun?

Oh well, Spring Break is here, I have to say that this is what I’ve waited for, what I’ve been hoping for, a break. And today when I thought I needed to get away, all my friends showed just why I called them friends in the first place. I will miss you guys.

"This is to dying in another's arms and why I had to try it..."

Friday, March 11, 2005

El Diablo Robotico

Why didn't anyone tell me the Devil built a robot?

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Konstantine

“I can’t imagine all the people that you know, and the places that you go when the lights are turned down low, I don’t understand all of the things you’ve seen and I’m slipping in between, you and you’re big dreams. It’s always you, in my big dreams.”

I wanted to start this out this way so that I could appear more typical, I think that people try to hard to appear to be unique, when we’re all unique in our own way. So why try so hard to be what you already are. Just be who you are, besides its like Julie said “Who else is better qualified.”

I haven’t written a long post in some time, I mean a real post, I did post a story but I think that’s a little different. Sometimes I wonder what’s going on around me, I wish I could just get inside of friends heads. But at the same time I know that’s part of what makes life so interesting.

Now I think that I’m stronger, I'm back on track for what I need to be doing here. I know that I need to buckle down. Nothing note worthy happened today, nothing worth mentioning here in this little account. I want to talk to Katherine; I want to go see Mandi, neither of those things happened. I feel like I need a change, just a few days until Spring Break and I’m aching for this.

Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Strange Time

“You met me at a strange time in my life.” A quote from Fight Club, but then it really applies to some people that have met me here, they met me at a strange time in my life.

Monday, March 07, 2005

Lavender and Cherry Blossom, my longest post ever.

There was that smell, the one that filled the air every time that I passed by those sliding automatic doors. It wasn’t like I was going to smell the things that were really taking up the most space in there, because that would have meant that it smelled like clothes. It didn’t matter the space that they occupied, the clothes could have filled all of the area in the shop that this one thing didn’t and I still would have smelt the same thing. All I could smell was the one thing that I really cared about in there; well I didn’t really smell it, or her I should say. I smelled her perfume, the aroma that she always floated in the center of.

I can’t name the exact smell to you, but I can tell you what it reminds me of. It reminds me of home, of warm winter nights, cool winds in the summer; it reminds me of the smell after it rain, the first sunrise of winter. It reminds me of the enchantment of summer nights, the comfort of an old coat. All and all, it made me fell like everything I ever wanted to do was possible.

But that probably wasn’t because it of the way it smelled, no one smell can do all of that. Besides what’s most important isn’t the smell itself, but what it signified. It signified that she was there, somewhere in between those four walls.

Her name, what was her name you may ask. Well it doesn’t really matter, the name didn’t make her—a name doesn’t make anyone. Things that make a person have to be earned or fought for…

No one really has to fight for their name, its not earned—they’re given to you at birth. Therefore all they really serve as is a tag for a system of communication, of course a name is part of who you are, but its not who you are. By those means the name isn’t important. Hardly any name is original, whether you’re a John or Jayce, somewhere, someone in the world more than likely has that name.

She and I worked in the airport, but not doing the usual things like moving bags around on those little carts or security at that checkpoint. She worked at one of those clothing stores that just outside of the terminal. The kind that sold those shirts, the ones you always see people buying that say the name of the city that the airport is in on them. Except no one ever bought them there because they were overpriced by about ten dollars. Hell, they were overpriced by about ten dollars outside; these shirts in the airport were outlandish.

Yet she seemed content in her job and it paid well. Whenever the occasional costumer came in she flashed her big bright smile and helped them out with an aura about her like none other. She seemed so satisfied.

I, on the other hand, worked in a store that sold last minute supplies for people that were just going out on their flights. We had some pretty cool little things in the store, like this light that you plugged into the USB port on the side of you laptop. It got power and wrapped around to light your keyboard so that you could see to type on night flights.

The store got a little business, but not enough to keep any normal venue open—but in the world of airport shops, we were raking in some money. My store was only two down from the clothing ones that she worked in. I would walk past there on break everyday, I would look in at her, wave and maybe I would stop in from time to time and say “Hey, what’s going on.” It wasn’t like she and I had so many costumers in and out of our stores or anything.

Then there was those days that I could actually spend time with her. I would bump into her at one of the eating establishments that were set a little further down the path. That was how we met after all, one year six months ago, the day before Thanksgiving. She had been sitting at a two person table alone at the Chili’s and the rest of the place, due to the holiday season rush had been overflowing with people. The seat across from her had been the last in the place. I had my heart set on Chili’s.

So I stopped and asked, “Mind if I have a seat?”

She looked up at me, her eyes seemed to glimmer as she did, she glanced around and then back at me, “Looks like you don’t have much of a choice in the matter,” she said with the smile still on her face.

I smiled back and set down, for some reason I felt witty and smart, just from the way that she looked at me. From that moment I hit the chair, I felt this new power in me, like I could suddenly do more. And then all at once, just by looking at her I was nervous. She had the kind of beauty that came to a person over time and with much heartache. Like she had been ignored earlier, not for being ugly, but just for not standing out, but that’s what made her stand out. She wasn’t flashy or too into her looks, she knew that she was pretty, but didn’t flaunt it.

When she talked to me at the table that day things seemed to go just the way that they should in a first conversation with someone. She told me where she worked, and told her that she was just two places down from me. I hadn’t really noticed her yet, she had just started there that week and prior to her being there I had always walked out for my break going away from her store.

It wasn’t until I met her that I started to pass that way everyday. It started just so I could stop by, then after a while it became like a force of habit. I would come by and talk to her, hangout in the store and talk with her. She in turn would come over to the store I worked in and see what I was up to, some days she would even come by and bring me a coffee.

Little did she know I hated coffee, I couldn’t even drink the stuff. And yet I found myself drinking it every time she brought it to me. I would stand and talk to her; sipping on the muddy tasting cup of fancy coffee from the Starbucks. I wished she had brought me a vanilla bean instead of this.

I would go for a day or two just passing her by on the way to my break before I actually got to spend time with her in most cases. I don’t know what she thought of it at first, it was just kind of an at work thing. Then one day, totally at random, she asked me if I wanted to go to lunch out to this place up the street called Diane’s. I’d never heard of it, and I had already eaten, yet I still accepted.

Back then I think that I didn’t realize what was going on in my head; I think I only saw her as a friend, but hindsight is always clearer. We actually did things outside of work pretty often after that incident. We talked to each other on the phone just for fun and I even gave her a ride to work one day.

Things just started to change for some reason, it had been about two months since we had met and then I started to realize that I was as nervous around her sometimes as I had been when we first met. I didn’t think about what was going on, I recognized the feeling but couldn’t put my finger on it. That’s how it always happens when you first start out, you don’t know what’s going on, you know something’s changed but you can’t tell what.

Today was a little different, I decided to stop into the clothing store just to talk to her. From the moment I stepped in things seemed different. I could see her standing over by stacks of pants; she was hanging shirts on a rack. When she turned back and saw me she smiled. I walked up to her and asked her what she was doing later that night, she seemed a little shocked, as if we had never done anything outside of work. But she still answered, “Nothing.”

I smiled, “How about we go out to the boardwalk?”

The idea seemed to spark a twinkle in her eyes; she just nodded and then said, “I like that.”

Another question burned right in my chest, I just had to ask her. My hands went into my pockets and I sighed, it seems kind of random now that I think about it, “What perfume do you wear?”

“I don’t wear one,” she said.

“Something about you smells really good,” I said.

She thought for a second, “Oh, it must be my shampoo,” she paused, “it’s actually two shampoos mixed, lavender and cherry blossoms…”

I just repeated her words…

“...lavender and cherry blossom…”

Thursday, March 03, 2005

The Healthy Medium

I’m sorry but this post was forced, I don’t know what to say here because anything I say could be read and taken to mean several different versions of one thing. I’ve been struggling with a problem of identity lately, I’ve wondered if I was going to be able to act like I used to, to say things with total disregard for what others were going to respond with.

I’ve been walked on too much, and while I will say there are people who are going to be immune to me saying a damn thing to them, most of them will not be. When it comes around next time, when someone takes a shot at me again the gloves come off. I can’t let how I feel get in the way of me being who I was, in that there are times people need to be told off, its become expected of me and that’s not why I’m doing it.

I’m doing it because I seemed to have things easier when I never backed down, when I stood my ground in arguments and when I let it be known that there were people who could fuck with me, but most people can’t.

I know that just days ago I was saying about how the new nicer me was fine, but at the same time I am seeing that its not as okay as I thought. People take kindness and self control as weakness. I'm tired of being taken advantage of. This is that healthy medium, right between total asshole and nice guy, I'll only act when it needs to be done, but there won't be anymore of this not acting.

Feelings will get hurt, but they’ll only belong to those people who I think deserve it.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Are You In

It hurts to feel left out, no one wants to be left out. But I am noticing more and more that it seems like whenever some kind of mass activity is taking place that one person is always left out. I’m not sure how that person feels about what’s going on and I hate to see my friends just sitting off to the side, but the truth is I know how I feel when it happens and its not generally good.

I know now what being left out is no fun, for me, so I will try to include myself in things more often, maybe there is more stock in the things Desiree and Jamie have been telling me these past few weeks. While my well being will always come after those I care about, I should at least try to take better care of myself.

Funny thing about me saying this is I feel racing with Rickey today, it was funny to me, CJ and Des stopped to ask if I was alright and I had to be a little embarrassed but I just shrugged it off. I’m not the kind to regret much, I mean it happened, big deal its in the past. I mean, besides how often do I get hurt.

And its not like I knocked myself retarded, I fell got up, bled a little and then on the way back from the UC I raced up the hill and ran as fast as CJ, but of course I could have done better if not hurt.

Tomorrow is my birthday, and I still don’t know what I’m going to do, I guess I have a few hours to decide, until then…

See ya…