After the party we held for Casey yesterday, I think that the safest thing to say is that I’m starting to cheer up, I’m really starting to find my place here at UTSA. I’m really starting to find my place in the world. I realize now that pretty much there’s nothing I can do to get ahead in the world that hasn’t already been done.
I can think of a million little tricks, gimmicks and other little things to do anything that I want to do. I could use them to get by, get a girl, get money, or just mess the next guy over, but its not my place and its all been done. Trying to be original isn’t really what matters, its trying to be yourself.
But all the while there is a system, and the system is what works against us. Most people would have you believe that to become part of the system you have to give up part of yourself, but in reality you can be part of the system and still be yourself. You can work the system to your advantage.
Why not use the paths people already laid down for you to do the things you need to accomplish in school and in life in general. Trying to be original is overrated because its nearly impossible to be original. Some people just happen to be better than others, you can’t say we’re all the same because we’re not, but you can’t say we’re all original either, because a large percent of the population seems to think impersonating someone famous makes them cool.
Basically what I am trying to say is that being original is not original because so many people try to do it. So by doing it you’re playing into a group of people. Just be yourself and find yourself a place in the system. Like any system it has its weak points, it can be exploited to your liking.
By trying to remain outside of the system and come original you are in part just a cog in another system. I mean did I ever say there was one system? No, I didn’t you just assumed that, but perhaps ever system is part of a larger whole, some kind of network of systems.
The most important thing to remember is that by becoming part of the system you are not subjecting yourself to a life of servitude; on the contrary, you are in a prime position to pimp the proverbial ‘system’. (How’s that for alliteration)
Besides we all know, you can do more damage from the inside of a system than you can from the outside.
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I want to try and do something a little different, a duel topic entry into this little thing. But I want this second one to be a little more about me. I wrote the blog entry ‘Faint’ last week. Which is arguably almost as depressing anything I shall ever write; the real point of that entry is that, I have basically fallen for a girl that I can’t have. Not because of some great epic event that took place and blocked her out from my view.
People don’t understand that life does not operate too often on the idea of epic events; it operates within a realm of normalcy. If epic events defined all of our lives from day to day, then those epic events would in turn become the very normal ones we come to expect.
Now, back to the subject matter at hand, I can sit here and talk about how much I really wish I could be with this girl. Whining won’t get me anywhere, because it does nothing for anyone. I know people who would have turned and walked off from the entire situation with her when she said no. But I care about her too much as a friend to do that, for those of you who don’t know yes I have a heart and feelings, its just that some people piss me off to the point I want to rip their arm off and beat them with it so this side of me is one they never see.
What I’ve come to realize is that this right here, that I’m going through with Des, this whole ordeal isn’t some kind of test or just a little game that I can pull in a way I want to. This is an opportunity to do what really matters. I’ve mentioned this before, but in my mind and in my heart I truly believe that it was said best in the television series Angel.
Because I hear people, I’ve heard people all my life say things like, “Look it doesn’t matter what you do, no big action is going to sway this—this is how things are.” If what they are saying is true then no matter what we did, if we all just sat on our God given hands, nothing would change, things would run smoothly.
We all know that’s bullshit…because the real truth of the matter is all that matters is what we do. The smallest act of kindness is the greatest thing in the world. In the same way the smallest rude comment can drive someone over the edge. It’s like I told Casey, there is no destiny, there is no set path we have to follow.
It’s Choice, we all have choices and when it comes right down to it leads back to the Six Degrees of Separation. But that’s a post for another day. I told Casey that I’m not destined to become something, I have to make myself part of it. If I was destined to be something, then no matter what I would end up there. College or no college, I could basically do whatever, run in front of cars, get shot and I would be invincible until I achieved my goals.
We’re not bound by destiny and we’re not bound by some pre-birth set path that was mapped out on some scroll thousands of years ago miles from the location we live in. I want kids, its not some kind of destined event. I love kids, I want a family, it doesn’t make much a difference what others say.
In the same right, I have already made choices that are nonrefundable, that is to say that at some point I could have already made the choice that will ultimately lead to the goals I want. I made the choice to stay friends with Desiree, because at one point it seemed easier to just walk away from her, go back to seeing her here and there, never really talking or dwelling for too long. But I told myself that was wrong because more than ever I need all the friends I can get and she might need a friend someday too. And even if we don’t end up together I won’t regret that. Shit I don’t regret much.
I shocked Hannah on the back, said I was sorry, but I don’t regret it. People can say I wasted my money on a date, and flowers and gas that got me nothing. But I can tell them that first off, nothing you do for another person is wasted. It might not have got me what I wanted, but if it made her smile, for just one second that’s probably worth more than anything I ever wanted.
Second, it did get me something, maybe not a girlfriend, but it got me a good friend that I know I can trust to stand by me even when I’m probably weirding her out and acting like a total fuckwad. I don’t mind having her as a friend, she’s smart, sweet, funny and insightful. I can have a good long conversation with her, and I can laugh with her. It’s a nice thing to find, and its rare.
I could regret the things I’ve done, but where would it get me? Regret is like a worm, that just gnaws at your insides until you’re full of so much nothing that you eventually just become really indifferent. I don’t want to be indifferent, I want to care about something.
So what do I have to care about? What do I have to fight for? What do I really want it all to be about? Is it for the girl? Is it for the pursuit of happiness? Is it to expose dumb comments made by others? Is if you my children? My children’s children? Is it just for the hell of it? Is for entire paragraphs written in sentences that are questions?
Well all of the above are correct, but most of all I do it for what really matters. Well if you’ve been paying attention you’d already know this one. I do it because this is all that matters.
