Vienna

My body is weary, weary enough for me to make mention of it. But my heart, my heart is in shreds. Mostly because I can't seem to let go of someone that I can't have. Someone who has been good to me but someone who is so far from me in every since of the word that its best I leave her to her own happiness and pursue other goals. I want to be a great writer. I want to have a family.

I don't want to be the guy who spends his life chasing the one that got away. Of course then there is the mentality that says never to give up. What do I say to that? Do I give up on something prematurely and just let this be me raising that white flag from the top of my ship. I've done nothing but pine over this, I've thought and schemed. Plans that took me in every direction and that even made me think that it might be possible.

Or maybe this is the hard part of Love, the part where you Love someone so much you let them do what makes them happy and stand by them, but never in their way. There must be a fine fucking line between standing in their way and being the right one for someone. There's always the possibility. I don't believe in destiny, but I do believe that things happen for a reason. Maybe they don't have to happen, but they do for a reason, if that line of reason makes sense. Maybe it only does to me.

But to you out there, you might know who you are...you might not. But I have to wish you luck in being happy. If someone else is who makes you happy...then my Love for you dictates that I have to let you be happy. It's the only right thing to do. It might hurt a while, but seeing you smile is worth that much. I mean that's what Love is about, right?

Circus Seal

Kind of pissed, I had this long thing written about my job and about how I like it except for a few things. It went on to say that I was kind of weirded out by how guys think that its a bonding ritual to talk about how bad they want to have sex with girls they see. But whatever, it doesn't matter.

I'm miserable and its not due to work or anything to do with the people there. For the most part I plan to keep them kind of separate from most of my other stuff in life. But it doesn't really make much of a difference. Right now I feel like people that I cared a lot about don't care about me, if they ever did they don't anymore. They pretend to it seems...maybe to help me keep things together but I really think that deep down inside I have known for a long time. Why must we deny things that are so obviously true?

Why do I want to hold on to something it seems I never had. I wonder how many times I can bite my tongue and keep from saying, "I told you so." I've bitten it till it bleeds it seems now and at this point if I wanted to talk I don't think I'd be able to. I confirmed that I'm pretty sure these people are using me...why do I keep jumping through hoops to let them do so?

Oh great...facebook is wigging out now...just great

Janus

Looks like by not writing anything here for so long I've kept too many things bottled up and I don't even know where to begin. I can say that my old job is gone away. It's a thing of the past and I don't even need to think about it anymore. No one I talk to works there, nothing I care about is there and its better that I lost it and found a good job with the kind of things that will allow me to make more over time.

For me, Thanksgiving has always been one of those times of the year when I was dreading what was coming. Its like the worse part of the year for me and I am so glad that its gone now. The worse is behind me I guess. But more over I feel like some of my friends are slipping away, I mean I'll always have Prentiss and friends like that, they've been there too long and its like having more family. But other friends seem so distant and reluctant to want to talk.

Its like I wonder if I did something wrong or didn't do something. Or if I did something wrong by fighting so hard just to keep friends. That having been said the Holidays feel especially lonely this year. Its not getting any better and when I think that I am going to be able to just overlook that I might actually do it for a short time. But I'm not fine with things as I would like to think I am. And I hate it more than anything else when ever people act like I should be happy just because of ______.

Whatever blank that might be some people seem to think everyone has it better than them, and while some might have it better than others. It's not the case with everyone being over you. And while I really try to make the best of things and keep the things out that are said around me, there's like this constant power struggle inside of me between being who I've been for years and the jerk that I see a lot of other people become when they get discouraged.

When ever I look at the options the jerk seems more and more beneficial and I don't know what part of me holds me back, but it just does. More and more I've started to bite back at people instead of just getting walked on all of the time. But it seems that the options are be the way I am and get walked on more or be the way I've been trying not to be but keep people from walking on you.

People seem trained to use others, and when they do it they don't even seem to notice it. Maybe they don't want to, they might think that it was part of that other person's duty to help them get out of whatever rut they were in. Like some character in a book or movie that's only there to serve the purpose of furthering the plot. That's how I feel, like I'm just used to help someone get back on their feet before they run off and go do what they really wanted. Friends that I've had, girls that I've liked, they've treated me like this. And from time to time they'll come back but its only for the same reason.

In my mind I want to be mad, but I'm not sure what should make me madder, the part where they do it again or the part where I let them. In the end it just ends up being pathetic.

Self Fulfilling

I'm really just coming out of the deep sleep that was induced by the nineteen hour work day I pulled yesterday. I really love my new job, the people are bad ass. The company is a great company, but nearly twenty hours of work is well...nearly twenty hours of work. Any job could make this hard. Now its pouring rain out, so cold that the wind seems to bite at you right through the walls. This is the kind of weather I pray for and on a day like this I want nothing more than to curl up with my laptop and write the day away.

But right now, right now I know that things for me haven't gotten better. Does anyone else know how it feels to think that everyone is lying to you? To feel like your own friends don't want you around, ever? Its the kind of feeling that hollows you out from the inside. And at this time last year things were actually going alright, one of the few times around then that they were. I almost miss how things were going.

At least back then, I had this illusion in my head, or maybe it was delusion, that things would pick up. I believe in people so much more. I thought to much more of everyone and I knew that in the end me being nice to someone was all it took, they'd eventually come around. I'm so certain now that I'm wrong about all of that, but I want that delusion back.

There really are some cases where ignorance is bliss and you wonder why anyone would give it up for the truth. I think this is one of those. All it takes is one person to come along and plant an idea in your head, like Iago did Othello and you're fucked. You've got it in their bouncing around and the more you start to entertain it, its like the more it becomes self fulfilling. But I guess I can't hope to get that back. I can't unlearn what I learned and I most definitely can't ignore it. No matter how much I wish I could.

Angel

I had manage to get my arm down into the wall as deep as the shoulder but I still couldn’t reach the artifact. My cheek was pushed flush against the wall. I was breathing heavily from exhaustion and dripping with sweat. Something I did coming in must have knocked the security system offline or something. I really wasn’t an electrical expert or anything like that.

With a sigh I reached up and brushed the locks of hair away from my eye, I tried again to push my arm further. Forcing my shoulder deeper into the hole, but I really couldn’t move any further.

I cursed under my breath, “Dammit.”

I tried again at the wall, this time looking around at the room to make sure that no one was coming. I had been here longer than I’d expected and the longer I stayed the more I risked exposure. Of course, when you’re thief you don’t expect to come such a long way through high tech security systems only to get stopped up because a safe just happens to be further back in the wall than your arm can go.

Overhead there was a loud clanging, thinking that someone might be coming I retracted my arm from the hole just a bit. But as the air conditioning came to life in the ceiling I realized what I had heard and continued at what I was doing.

The room I was in was at the center of a large office building. The middle room of the middle floor of a sixty story building. Normally being thirty stories off of the ground would make the escape that much harder for the thief, but not for me. The room itself was pretty vacant. The walls were a stainless steel metal, as were the floors and ceiling. The room seemed to be as sterile as an operating room.

In the middle of the whole thing were three long metal tables, but nothing was on them. Besides the safe, I really couldn’t be sure what this room was for. One good thing was the fact that there was only one way in and one way out and if someone were going to come in to get me, they’d have to do it through that door.

I yanked my arm free of the hole and turned back to the table that was at my back, my gun was right there laying flat on the table. With a dull smirk I whipped my gun up into my hand, “I really should have some tools for this kind of thing…”

Now with my gun in hand, I stuck my arm back into the safe, trying to see if I could use the gun to pull the object closer to me. I let out a few short grunts, moving and pushing my shoulder harder into the wall.

I huffed, “Oh come on…”

Suddenly something slammed into the door of the room, “Who’s that in there?”

“Shit,” I glanced around for somewhere to hide. In a room like this there was no where.

I clenched my gun tight, “Alright, I guess there’s only one way to do this.” With my gun in hand, I yanked my arm free of the hole and stepped out away from the wall. There came a second slam at the door, this one louder than the first.

My hand went out towards the hole and I concentrated really hard, I bit down lightly on my lip and closed my jade eyes tight. I could feel my mind wrapping around the object. I could feel its shape in my head. I knew to do this too long or too hard could be damaging. Cautiously I pushed on, I could feel my grasp tighten around the object now, its rough surface texture was now so apparent in my mind.

And then I ripped it free of the hole where it was bound, the object flipped from the safe and back into my hand. I grasped it for real now. I hated to have to depend on these “abilities” that I had. I saw them more of a hindrance…a reminder of my former self than anything else.

“We’re coming in,” the man at the door was muffled by the thick steel, but I could hear his voice clear enough.

I glanced down at the artifact, it was about the size of my hand and rough. Just by looking at it I could tell I would have no idea what the damn thing was, and I didn’t care as long as I got my money. I slipped the thing into my pocket.

The door to the room flew open and in an instant I dropped to one knee with my Beretta outstretched. I fired the first shot into the forehead of the first face through the door. His head snapped back with the force of the bullet and his blood sprayed out behind him. The second two bullets were into the chest of the guy right behind him. They fell almost at the same time.

I didn’t have time to get my next bullet off before the third man fired back at me. I dove over to the side landing with my chest down and then scrambled up for cover behind the table. I kept low and as I turned around the side of the table, I could hear him making his way around the other side of the table.

Instinctively I stood and jumped over the table catching him on the side and knocking him off balance. He fell back against the table in the middle of the room with a thunderous thud. I grabbed him by the side of the head and with a pop of electricity from my fingers I saw his eyes go bloodshot. It didn’t take that much heat to boil someone’s blood inside of their body.

This electric touch, another one of my little “gifts”.

Quickly I got against the wall next to the door and checked down the hallway, no one was coming from what I could see and they probably hadn’t expected to need more than one security officer for anything that happened.

If all had gone well I planned on making my way out of the building through the front. But with the way that things were looking now I had better play it safe. “Well this is where you excel, right Angel?” I muttered to myself?

The lingering smell of gunpowder in the air was still fresh. The room was calm again and the only sound was me breathing and the quiet hum of the A/C unit above. I moved back out into the hallway with my gun pressed tightly down into my lap. The security lights that ran over night in the building painted the hall a pale blue color, the color that full moon casts down on things.

I navigated the curves of the hallways trying to make sure that I went to the right side, there was no need to rush right out into the middle of the street, even if it was late at night. I needed to find a more secluded place to make my escape.

When I turned the next corner I could see at the end of the hall that the room opened up. This room too was bathed in the same bluish light and luckily for me there was a large plate glass window facing out to a street.

I sighed, “Thank…yeah…” I made my way over to the window, running between rows of cubicles that had just hours ago had workers in them. The smell of fresh printer toner was still lingering in the air.

I hit the window with my hands and glanced down at the ground from my perch. Of course it was a long way down. Humanly impossible for me to make the jump without some sort of aid…at least that would have been the case if I was a Human.

With my fist drawn back as far as it would go I punched into the glass shattering a huge section of it. The cascade of glass rained down onto the street below and clattered around my feet too.

I started back by the cubicles, building up a running star and dashing towards the shattered window. They stormed into the room as I dove free off the window. The air ripped past me, I hadn’t planned this well. I really hadn’t planned this part at all. I felt the air through my hair, strands of blonde whipped at my face.

No part of my outfit could be used for creating drag and I wouldn’t die, not even from this fall. But if I couldn’t get myself turned right side up it would hurt…like Hell.

From somewhere above, over the howl of the cold wind I could hear their desperate gunshots. I tucked my body into a ball and tried to roll so that my feet were down. I didn’t want to give myself away. It seemed like I might have to.

Time seemed elongated. As I neared the ground I decided to use that gift of mine again. I let a magnetic field erupt around me. There was a parked car right where I would land. I could only pray no one was inside.

With a thud I slammed into the top of the car, the alarm blared and the roof was compacted down into the cab. Glass exploded out around the car and the screech of the car’s anti theft device seemed to grow weaker.

My boots slid slightly and I went ahead and jumped off the top of the car. I checked my pouch I wore for the artifact. “Pay dirt.”

I gave a quick glance around to see if anyone was there to notice me. The coast was clear. I darted off down a dark alley and made my way back to my car, I’d parked it a few blocks off for safety reasons.

As I go I speak to myself, “Angel, you’ve done it again.”