We're Just Monsters

You know, you come home from Church one night, you're feeling good and you think that you'll just come in and have a normal time, then something like this hits you. Now you're pissed, you're mad at a person thaty you hardly know. This girl that I met over the summer she seemed like such a nice girl, lived right here in town, was a beauty to look at. I thought, maybe we can be friends, she was too young to date and not really my type, but I thought of her as a potential friend. We talked everyday over the summer for a while, and things were cool.

When school started up she got really depressed, she broke up with her boyfriend and she asked me what I thought about it, I put it in the words that made the most sense to me and she thanked me, told me that I was the only one who understood and all of this other stuff. I felt good that I had helped her, even if back at the time I felt pretty bad.

Well about a month or two ago she stopped responding to me in IMs and on Myspace, she stopped answering anything I did and she ignored me completely. I thought that I was missing her, or that the IM's weren't going, but then one day I IMed her and and she accidently repsonded because the window popped up too fast.

She said something, and I know she saw my window, but she never responded after that. I had changed AIM screennames so I recently told her through Aim to make sure, of course she ignored it and then deleted me off myspace.

You know, if you're going to be like that don't bother even trying to talk to me, don't even try to talk about me and never ask for my help because I feel like you didn't really want to accept me or like me. You didn't do anything for me, all of the time that you were there you just took and took, and when I asked for help you acted like it was you're right.

Why does this always happen, why am I destined to run into every person in the world who wants to use someone and throw them away, every time that I think I have met someone who needs help, someone I can talk to or trust, they throw it right back in my fucking face. I never even ask for things in return and others just take and take, I don't know what esle to do or say, I don't even know if there's anything else to do or say. This is why I can't trust others, this is why I think that being alone would be better sometimes.

Maybe humanity is dead and all that's left here are these animals.

Better Days

Has anyone else every tried rum and iced tea? Wow this stuff mixes well. To tell the truth, I'm not big on the drinking scene. But I think that maybe days like this can make you want to drink, they can make you just want to do anything to forget all of the shit you ever did wrong and all of the wrong going on around you. I look at the friends that I really care for and all of them suffering. I really am not the type to worry about people I don't know, sad to say it. But for some reason when I think of the people I don't know I I picture them as None Playable Characters in a roleplaying game.

For those of you who don't know, those are the characters in the game that are just programmed to respond to simple things with yes or no, and they are only there to respond to simple pre picked questions. But in ever game, movie and book you know how when you meet a character that will become important later something just clicks in you head. You can tell that this person isn't just another NPC, they are someone.

Somehow when I meet someone that I will spend some long amount of time with I just can tell that this is a person that I know I will be able to hang out with and talk with. I usually get attached to these people, I usually think of them in a higher way. Tonight for the first time in a long time something odd happened. Boy's Night.

I don't generally have Boys to hang out with, I mean with me things are usually groups of girls or mixed company. Tonight for a few hours it was just dudes. We drank, we played games and we just hung out, had some hot wings and that was cool. No problems came up, no one bitched and no one did any wrong shit to women. I can hang out with guys like this. I can really get along with them, and later on in the night we added two mor,e but one was a girl and the other was Neemo.

Today has given me more than enough to worry over, I have too much to think about, I have too much on my fucking mind and I know right now that I just want to cuddle up with someone and fall asleep, I want to drift away and forget the last few days, I need this, I need rest. In a few days I'll be twenty. I hope that this next year goes better than the last.

Fear and Worry

Well this is what its like to fear, and this...this is worry. This is what it looks like when I am scared and here I am when I push it aside and tell myself that "This isn't happening."

Coming Along

Well I have more of the comic drawings on display on deviant art (sorry for those of you reading this on DA, this was written to be posted elsewhere first), and I have to say that Vanessa did a wonderful job on all of them. She's just the greastest and I couldn't ask for a better partner.

In the way of things, so far we can tell that the comic will be mostly comedy, as if any of you are suprised. I write, she draws and if we decide to color, which there might be a few things colored, its up in the air. I for one think that we have a nice little cast going as of now, I love the type of interaction we could get with this and the type of development we could get in inner character relationships.

Other interesting news, I think that I made an new friend today, I don't know if I can really say that right now, but it just seems like I might have. She and I talked a lot about relationships and something that she said clicked because it had been said to me by another person, it's odd how one person says something and we can write it off, but suddenly everyone is saying it, yelling it from the rooftops and just then you realize that it was on the tip of your tongue all along.

So now I will try to start getting back out, not be so secluded and cut off from the rest of the world, its not helping me, its not even fun and being couped up here isn't what it used to be.

Not Much To Say Here

I think back on the things thath ave bene going on, I think about all that I have seen and all that I have done over the last few weeks and I really can't pick out much that should stand out to me about what's been going on. It's hard to tell what has happened since Christmas, sometimes things seem to take so long, like this weekend seemed like it lasted forever and I had a really great time at some points, like getitng to hang out with Cassie and know her a little better.

Right now I am pretty tired, sleepy and I just know that I really need the sleep. And my eyes are still a little off from that problem that I had with my contacts earlier. I am still trying to decide if I should take these out of my eyes right now or leave them in. Its funny, I haven't written in this thing in so long and I still seem to have very little to say. I need to think, reflect on things and come back to this tomorrow.

What the Hell?

Valentines Day is over (thank God) and I am thinking about someone that I shouldn't be, someone that I discussed things with a while back and I know she doesn't feel that way. Why do I want to go back and revisit that, what makes me feel like it could do any good? I think hat was most appealing to me about her was that she was the first person that I met in a steril enviroment, cut off from my friends; from my school.

Up until that point every friend that I had made was someone that I saw in school or that knew a friend or something like that, there has never been any realy Adult Interaction between me and anyone, that is to say that everyone I have met was someone I was around not because I wanted to be or because I was out just hanging around, but because they were in the same place as me, school or a friends. It meant a lot to think that someone respected me and wanted to get to know me and I wish I had a way to retry what I wanted to, to go back to that day and call her again.

Nevermind that the outcome will be the same, I feel like this is going to be one of those things you think about because you might have also ruined something. Yet I don't know, I can't see the future, but I want to know that things will be okay with us, this bears a startling resemblance to what happened with you know who.

Right now my mind is stuck and I can't even get myself away from the idea that no matter what I do with this person I am doomed. So presented with the idea that I already may be fucked should I just walk away so I don't risk hurting her at least? I'm worried that I might mess things up all over again and that is what I never want to have happen.

This is the kind of thing thaty could keep you up at night, this is what I worry about.

On a good note, I got a lot of writing done today and it would seem that I have a co author again, Megan O'Shea has invested her help in this one, I'm proud to have her on board. Today I had a great writing stirde until I started thinking about this someone, sometimes I make myself wonder if I'm fit to really be around people...

Now I'm not bitter...

Before I go out on this date today I need to talk about why it is that I hate this holiday so, its no offense to the people that are going overboard to cleebrate it. But I have had my heart split in two and broken so many times on Valentines Day. To the point that there are things that I can point out that many people might even be able to compare something they have dealt with too. I know that everyone goes through heartache, but I don't think that everyone gets talked horribly about by someone that they consider a friend why they are right there.

Let me clear it up, when I was a freshman in high school I had a crush on a friend, she and I weren't the best of friends, but from the day I had gotten to the school I had thought Wow, look at how incredible she is! I thought that she at least felt as if I was a friend on the level that she wouldn't bad mouth me.

Well the day before Valentines Day we were in PE together and I was tossing a baseball at my friend, we'll call him Sean, and he told me to throw as hard as I could. I did and just when I let the ball go, the girl ran right in front of me and it hit her in the eye. She was knocked down and out, Sean and I caught her and she came to pretty quick. She pushed both of us off and told us to get away.

That next day I came to school with roses, I thought she was going to hate me forever and I really wanted her to know I had admired her from the time I got there. Well I asked her friend to help me get her upstairs where no one would be in the morning. When she did that I would come out around the corner and give her the flowers.

Everything went as planned until she didn't even accept them, she told me she didn't want them and to do something else with them. I don't remember what I did with them, it doesn't matter. I felt terrible, almost anyone will at least take the flowers. But she didn't eve do that. You may think this is the whole thing, but its not, its just where it starts.

A day or two later we were in PE again and a guy, a guy that I hate with a passion starts talking to her about why she is such a prude. Why doesn't she just date some guy. She goes through all of the stuff about how no right guy has come along, and about how she feels like no guy worth her time has come around. And he asked her, what about Justin. Most people would have etiehr done one of two things, gone He's just a friend or he's not my type or said I don't want to talk about it.

But she decided to go on and say what she really thought, she just looked at the guy and then acknowledged me with the closest hand, Well just look at him, he's just... she stopped there for a long time and something interupted us. But I can't tell you how it felt to get that, I can't tell you how good it feels to think that everyone is thinking that kind of thing on the inside. So people that want to know why I don't act nicely to new people, or people that wonder why when someone who pisses me off once good enough sometimes doesn't get back in to have a chance to do it again. Now you know, people who wonder why I don't give a flying fuck if some person is sensitive and why I don't cater to people that I don't think are intelligent enough to be worth my time, this says it all.

I don't like people because I don't trust people. No one comment and tell me it was a one time thing, because I can tell you other things that happened on other years this day. Bear with me. Because I have every reason to hate this holiday and every reason to be just how I am.

Long Time No See

It has been so long since I actually wrote something meant to be a blog entry. I don't know what to say about whath as been going on. Lately I have been kind of scared that things this semester will turn out like the last. Starting Wednesday I am determined to make sure that they don't, I need to get on the ball and really get to work on my stuff.

I know that I say that often but this time, I have to mean it. In other things that are going on around here, tomorrow is Valentines Day, it's a big thing for some people, its something that people have spent weeks planning sometimes. I don't really have much to say about it this year, I can't say much about the past ones either because in the past I have gotten nothing on that day!

Other orders of duty this week include the wedding, which will basically consume my weekend and the fact that I have a date tomorrow, which should be fun. Remember this is a first for me on Valentines Day. Today when I got home I felt like today had passed but been mostly boring, tomorrow should prove to make up for this. But when I checked my myspace I had a surrpise waiting, a friend I hadn't seen since high school had messaged me on myspace. Her name is Marie and she was like my best friend when I was a sophmore. I guess we kind of grew apart until she was a Junior and I was a Senior.

She looks a little different but its great to hear from her, she's really fun and really cool. I can't wait until I get a chance to talk to her or see her, I might get to before the wedding this weekend, how ever this all works out. Well I need to get going. There will be a report on how things go tomorrow.

Story -- Untitled

Chapter One

Out the window in the distance the shorelines was just on the edge of the horizon, the sun sunk lower and lower over the water. The sky was darkening and things on the ship were just starting to come to life on board. Erin was still cooped up in her room, sitting across the bed starting out the sliding glass doors.

On the bunk right beneath her Melanie stared out the window, sitting Indian-style and smiling as the orange light peaked over the balcony. Erin fell back into the bed with a novel resting on her chest. “I’ve never been on a ship before,” Melanie smiled. Erin opened the book and started to read. “I mean, when I was younger my dad used to take me to the duck pond and I would ride the paddle boats,” there was a nostalgic tone in Melanie’s voice, “But I wouldn’t call that a real boat.”

Erin closed the book, “Don’t you think that this whole situation here is…well…romantic.”

“Agent Pelham!” Melanie’s tone was all too excited, “Are you hitting on me?”

Erin smiled, “Melanie,” she just giggled shortly, “I mean doesn’t being here make you want to just go out and meet some handsome guy…”

Melanie let out a short laugh, “Agent Pelham, guys never look twice at me…I guess its because I come off so innocent.” Erin sat her book down and climbed down off the top bunk. “That’s why first thing when I heard we were coming on this cruise I ran out and bought this,” Melanie moved across the room quickly and pulled something from the closet.

It was a slinky red dress with tapered hips and a slit up the side, it had been draped over the hanger because it only had very thin halter top straps. In the middle of the chest there was a diamond to show off cleavage.

Erin smiled and dropped into one of the chairs across the room, “That’s a real beautiful dress.”

“Thank you, I’m saving it for the formal dinner…”

Erin shut the blinds, “I was wondering what you thought of coming here with us,” asked Erin.

Melanie hung her dress back up, “I was just happy that y’all invited me,” said Melanie, “makes me feel like part of the group.”

“You are part of the team,” Erin slapped the couch with her hand, it forced her point across. “Even before you officially became an agent, you worked with the Bureau.”

“Yeah that’ helped me get to know people a lot easier,” Melanie agreed.

Erin’s smile grew and her brown eyes seemed to shimmer, “And I can tell you right now that Agent Caynon will watch over you and take care of you, its just how he is.”

“Yeah, he’s been really cool.”

There was a long pause, the sun had finally dropped past the horizon, the last light vanished from the edge of the sky. “Do you know what time dinner is?” Erin stood to walk into the bathroom.

“I think it’s pretty soon,” said Melanie.

“Well we better get the hell out of here, I heard they have good food on these ships,” Erin said.

“Mm, I can’t wait!” Melanie was slipping her shoes on, Erin was already headed for the door. She opened it and they both headed out.

PJ whipped the drink away from his nose as suddenly as he could, “This smoothie smells like shit!” he sat the glass back on the bar and reclined back in the lounge chair.

Justin looked at him, lifted the smooth and smelled, “Oh God,” he slammed it down on the table, “we should throw that overboard.”

“Like shit, huh?”

“You see PJ, that’s the thing, did you ever notice how some of the most disgusting smelling things get compared to shit?”

“That’s because shit is, by definition disgusting…” PJ affirmed.

Justin folded his arms, “But many times, as with this smoothie here, the actually thing smells worse than shit in fact.”

“Yeah I can see that,” PJ leaned out to sniff it again, “In this case.”

Justin shook his head, “I mean most of the time, the thing doesn’t really smell as bad as shit, or it’s worse.”

“Well nothing quiet has that spring morning fresh aroma like shit…”

“Close, but uh…” Justin trailed off.

PJ sighed, “Well here’s the other thing, are we talking about like people shit, or diarrhea, or dogs or what?”

“I just mean shit in general,” Justin moved his hand with a matter of fact gesture.

“I really don’t know where you from man, but when I shit, it smells like…well shit.”

“Maturity at its best.”

“You men should be proud, really sexy.”

Two bikini clad women were standing just feet away. PJ sat up to defend himself, “Oh come on now, you walked in right in the middle of the whole thing.”

“Yeah, my friend, Prentiss and I were just discussing common American idioms,” Justin chimed in.

The taller of the two women made the most sensual face she could, “Oo, trying to lie?” she let out a cute little tone, “Now you just look like common American idiots.” Both of the women walked off.

As they left PJ held up the smoothie, “Would you like to try some smoothie?” his tone lowered, “Eh, they’re gone.” He sniffed the smoothie again, crinkled his face and slammed the glass down.

A man with red spiked hair walked over with a martini in his hand, her was dressed in a leather jacket and had a slight stumble in his walk as he laughed, “Good job gentlemen,” his Australian accent was thick.

“Speaking of shit,” Justin glanced over at PJ, “It’s Stroud.”

Stroud sipped his martini, “Jesus Christ, I’m annoyed already.”

PJ sighed, “Agent Patterson, what besides a fierce wind out of Hell brings you to us?”

“I came up here to scope on girls,” Stroud pointed down the deck to where some young women were sitting, “I mean have you checked out some of the eye candy on this piece of boat?”

Justin nodded, “Yeah if beauty had a weight this ship would be sunk…”

“Too bad there’s a little beauty below decks already waiting for you!” Stroud joked.

“Fuck you, un-cool, we rag on each other, each other’s moms and so on, but no love life issues,” Justin paused, “And I seem to recall someone losing the fiancé just recently!”

Shut up you ass,” Stroud sipped the martini again.

PJ stood up, “For once I will have to agree that if you and Erin hooked up on this little cruise, I wouldn’t be shocked.”

“Just friends,” said Justin, “Never going to happen.”

“Well I’ll be happy just to get some relaxation time,” PJ said, “What are you going to try and do Stroud, nail some poor drunk unsuspecting girl like the ones that just came by here?”

“Me? No those are too old for me,” Stroud started, “I think I’ll find myself a fourteen year old that looks like she’s eighteen and have my way with her…”

“You are a sick, twisted son of a bitch…” Justin said.

Stroud shrugged, “But the thing is at sea, there’s not any real laws.”

Justin stood up, “Alright Cap’n No-Dick, but there is dinner time, and I think its getting pretty close. You ready to go PJ?”

“Yeah I could eat,” he said as he got up too.

“I’d hate to say this, but Stroud, I guess you’re eating with us?” Justin asked.

Stroud sighed, “Yeah, I’ll come.”

The bar closest to the back of the ship seemed not to be the place to be, with the exceptions of Heather, Amy, the bartender and one other person there was no one back there.

A balmy wind swept around the back end of the ship. Heather’s dark brown hair was in her face a little. Amy had pulled hers back into a ponytail. They were done drinking for now and just needed a place to sit, somewhere that they could relax and talk with out interferences.

Heather turned on her seat and looked out at the sea behind them, the water was choppy, waves beat out from the back of the boat, stirred up in its wake. “I can’t believe that you advised against asking the Assistant Director for this,” she looked back to Amy.

“I never thought in a million years they would let all of us take a vacation together,” Amy sipped some of the water that was left over from the melted ice of her drink. A little of the condensation ran down her hand and she had to wipe it on her shirt.

Heather smiled, “Come on, we work harder than most around that place.”

Amy cracked a smile and took another sip, this time she got an ice cube in her mouth, “I’m sure that’s not what AD O’Shea would say.”

Out to the west the sun was sinking just to where it touched the horizon, the waves lit up orange and danced beneath the sun. Heather had to turn to watch all of this.

“We should be able to leave the work at work and just have fun while we’re here,” Heather said.

Amy leaned down on her hand, “Well as much work as you do off the clock, I never thought I would hear you of all people say that!”

“I know what you’re thinking,” Heather leaned back slightly, “Even I need a rest once in a while.”

“Good to hear, I was starting to think we had a robot on our team,” Amy turned and glanced back down the bar.

Heather sighed, there was still some ice left over from her drink, she sipped a piece of it, “I think it was good we invited Melanie.”

“Oh yeah?”

“I mean I don’t want her to feel left, she just joined and all,” Heather said.

Amy’s eyes were half closed, “Dinner,” she muttered.

Heather’s eyes went wide, then fell back to their normal place, “What?”

“I think we should start heading to the dinner…room…”

“You mean the dining hall,” Heather corrected.

“See what I mean, I’m starting to forget how to talk!” Amy’s tone was one of mock distress.

Standing slowly from her seat Heather wrapped on her shoulder lightly, “Relax, we can head down there now, this place is getting kind of dull.”

“The ocean smells so fresh,” Pellegri hung her body over the side rail of the boat, her short reddish orange hair hung just past her face. She let her mouth open and inhaled. The back of the boat was shaded from the setting sun for the most part. A misty spray rained back onto the deck lightly from the ocean far below.

Claudia had propped herself up on the railing of the boat and was sitting with her back against the wall, her legs stretching down the length of the railing. She turned away as Pellegri spoke, “I really don’t want to hear it.”

“You have to be so negative,” Pellegri turned to face her and leaned back on the rail.

“This world is not a positive place,” Claudia said.

The automatic doors that led into the ship opened and a younger looking girl with dirty blonde hair charged out, a few steps onto the deck she slipped and fell on her side.

“It’s dinner time inside…” she let out as she lay there gathering her thoughts.

“You had no business running out here to tell us that, Sabrina…” Claudia sighed.

“Oh Clau-Clau, I just wanted to let you guys know,” she got to her feet slowly.

Pellegri walked over to look the girl over, “We’ll just take dinner in the room, same as we do on all our trips.”

Claudia nodded, “And I can go a lot longer with no food…”

Pellegri touched the side of Sabrina’s arm, “And we know what happens to you when you get around too many people.”

“Yeah I know,” Sabrina’s head lowered, “But what’s the point in coming out here like this if we can’t at least have a little fun.”

Claudia slipped her shades on, “We are here on business, I don’t have a desire for fun really,” she paused, “had enough of that in my younger days,” the last part was in a low volume.

There was a moment of silence, Sabrina walked over to the opposite side of the deck and looked off across the water. There was a smaller boat not too far off to the side, like a personal yacht. Sabrina pointed to it, “People are having sex over there…”

“Jesus Christ?” Claudia shouted, “Are you a fucking idiot, don’t talk like that out here, take your ass back down to the cabin!”

Sabrina lifted herself from the railing with a pouty face and walked back through the doors.

Pellegri just shook her head and walked across the deck, her arms were folded across her midriff and she had a on a slinky kind of purple dress with a flower patter embroidered slightly on it.

“What’s on your mind?” asked Sabrina.

“Well I was thinking, maybe Bri was right; one of us should go to dinner,” Pellegri said.

Claudia climbed down from her perch, “You’re so troublesome…I know that he intrigues you,” she walked towards Pellegri. “I know that you want to see what everyone is talking of, go.”

“You want me to go?”

“Yes, just go and see if you can find him, he’ll know of you, he’ll smell it on you, as you will on him…” Claudia said.

“I guess I better hurry before they serve everything!” Pellegri said.

The dining room was deep shades of red, maroons and brick dominated here. Everything was outlined in white, in golden fabric and color. The place looked wealthy. When entering you had to come down a staircase, the old fancy t shaped kind that split in the middle.

Every room had been given a table number at random, unless that is of course you had requested to eat with other rooms where you had friends. Pellegri found herself at a table with two vacant chairs and a group of people that she had no knowledge of. She must have looked to them as if she some rich man’s wife, her dress, her hair spiked down, the jewels around her neck, she had even removed her piercing. It was all to keep up appearances.

“I guess if we’re going to sit together we better all get to know each other,” said a black man with braided hair two people down from her.

“Do all of you…” she paused to clear her throat, “…know each other?” She could tell from their demeanor that it was truth.

“Yeah,” one of them said, “my name’s Heather, by the way,” she paused to shake Pellegri’s hand. “Oo, you’re cold.”

A smile spread across Pellegri’s red lips.

Heather piped up again, “This is Prentiss, but we call him PJ, over here we have Stroud, Justin, Melanie, Amy and Erin…” she pointed to all of them and they nodded in turn.

“This a little friendly trip?” asked Pellegri.

“Well yeah, we all work together…Federal Bureau of Investigation,” said Melanie with a huge smile.

Pellegri seemed impressed, “Wow, government job…”

“Yeah,” Amy said.

“I have questions, is it really like on television?” asked Pellegri.

There was a laugh from down the table, “Naw, all the girls look better,” Justin joked.

“I have a question for you,” Stroud started and scooted down to fill the empty seat next to her, “It’s more of a riddle, really…do the carpets match the drapes?”

“Oh fuck now Stroud, scare her off before we even get to know her name!” PJ griped.

Pellegri seemed a little embarrassed, but she didn’t blush, “My name’s Pellegri.”

“That’s such a pretty name,” Erin complimented her, “You wouldn’t happen to know the people who belong to these chairs, would you?” Erin pointed to the empty chairs.

“My two friends Sabrina and Claudia, they decided to check out some of the clubs on board.”

“I knew a beautiful girl like you couldn’t have been alone,” Justin smiled.

Stroud glared at Justin across the table, “May I have a word with you elsewhere, Agent Caynon,” his tone was nearly a sneer.

“You may Agent Patterson…” Justin and Stroud got up and dismissed themselves from the table. The waiter was just coming by.

When they were out of ear shot Stroud smacked Justin in the arm, “I don’t know who the fuck you think you are?!”

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” Justin asked.

“You can’t just hit on her, she’s all mine, you stick with Erin,” Stroud stuck his finger n Justin’s face.

“Me and Erin…nothing going on…you should go find some under-aged girl to fuck!” Justin kept his arms folded.

“This shit, right here…keep it up Caynon…all of this its like an ass whooping with interest!”

Justin shrugged, “Well maybe if you want, Stroud, I can make a down payment!”

Amy called out to them from the table, “It’s time to make our orders if you two don’t mind?”

The two of them came back to sit down and the orders for drinks were taken, then the food immediately after. Pellegri surveyed the room most of the time that she was sitting there, her eyes never stopped wandering. She just wanted to see if she could spot him, when she did it was as she always imagined it would be.

He sat flanked by women, his hair was long and dark and his eyes an ice blue color. He must have noticed her too. She excused herself from the table and walked over towards him, she had to make sure that this wasn’t just nothing.

When she neared his table she caught a glimpse of a glimmer in his eyes, he stood up from the table and walked out to meet her. She motioned to a small deck out of the view of the general people around there and they both headed that way.

The door was shut behind them, she paced around the deck waiting for him to say something, to be this close to him she was star struck slightly.

“Here now, you’ve come to do this?” he asked. She stopped dead in her tracks, he walked over to her and put his face close to her neck speaking, “You’ve come to handle this here?”

She remained silent.

“Answer me!” he demanded.

“You should know by now, don’t fight this, just come along quietly…” Pellegri finally let out.

“My aren’t we forgetting what it is they will do to me?” he said.

“Voltaire, there’s not going to be anything drastic if you come back when we get back on land…” she offered.

He was close to her neck again, “You don’t know that, my dear.”

“I’ve always admired you, please don’t make this hard on yourself,” she pleaded.

His fingers traced their way up her arm and slipped her dress strap down, “You’ve just gone and done what you told me not to…” he forced her back against the wall as she struggled slightly.

She cried out in pain as he locked onto the little place between her neck and shoulder with his teeth, her head went back and she opened her mouth. Half of her mind was focusing on staying alert while the other half wanted to make sure her dress didn’t fall. Both sides lost out as she flopped over into his grasp and slipped away.

Chapter Two

Erin was the first person that Pellegri saw when she came to, all of the other agents were in the room, “Thanks to Stroud’s stalker like demeanor he saw what happened to through a window in the hall.”

Pellegri’s eyes were bloodshot, she looked sickly. Slowly she sat up, and as fast as she could she pulled Erin’s arm and bit her, Erin yanked back, “What the hell are you doing?”

“Blood…” Pellegri managed.

Stroud sighed, “I’d hate to say this, but it makes sense now,” he reached back, “We found this in your purse.” He produced a sack of red liquid.

She grappled for it and when he finally gave it to her she bit into it and drink furiously, “I needed this…thanks…I hadn’t expected to get attack…” she spoke between gulps.

“What ate you?” asked Amy.

“I think the answer is obvious,” Justin said, “but how?”

“Give me some time to regroup my thoughts, I’ll tell you what I can then…”said Pellegri

Homework or Work-work

I have something to work on, an assignment of sorts, and I only have a little time to work on it. I guess the only thing I need to do now is have confidence in myself, not too much to ask!

Paint Me Green

What can I tell you guys about today? I mean I have gone over some stuff that hasn't really been the normal thing around here for the last how ever many months. I've decided that I don't have a prepared topic for the night, so I will just tell you some things that I have decided to do, I am going to in the next few weeks try to write something for the school paper, I am going to try and make a nice, neat, and orderly Valentines card set, at least one, I might make two.

I thought about the things that I could be doing around here, the people that I could help if I really wanted to. Many times I don't know where to start. But the Valentine' Day cards, those are something that I've never done because, well I really hate that holiday and I think the whole thing is just terrible, especially when you're single and already down.

I figure that I will need a few of these, and I don't know how I will get them out, I might just make them as e-cards. Sorry, none of the men will be getting them because...yeah...no. I'll just send them over email or myspace or something like that. I might even use stock footage of something I have already drawn and assemble it into a card, who knows. That would just be lazy, the best way would be to just draw some new stuff.

The other thing that I wanted to say is that the other day I was doing something on face book and I was on someone else's page, I scroll down and who do I see a wall message from but Allison. Now I know that I should have really stopped thinking about this so long ago, but it hit me that she never, I don't think but once, messaged me on myspace or facebook, even when it was important. She might have read them, but that was it. Now I have to give it to her, she did send me emails and IMs, but I never understood why I didn't warrant a message. And asking now would destroy whatever there was left of a friendship...if you can call it that now.

I just hope that things with everyone that I know right now don't end up like that, I am starting to see some of the same feelings rise up right now with some of my other friends and it scares me, but then it makes me think Shit, I will just do this again huh?. After her I seem to be faster to just want to not be friends with people. When you let someone in and go out on a limb for them, just to have them turn around and leave you there cold it makes you feel like you lost a part of yourself and you're just going to get more bitter.

I saw that message on another person's page and I got jealous, because..frankly I want that friendship. Not the one I had, I want one where we talk on facebook and IM each other, or do those silly little survey things that everyone says they hate but everyone fucking does. I want the friendship where we hang out all day or just watch movies together or something. It seemed like she was so eager to have that with everyone else, like every time I turned around she was doing those things more and more with my friends and not with me. It just made me feel little and like I didn't matter.

I really need to go now, I just need to lay down and rest, I have been at this desk for hours and tomorrow I'm probably going to do it all again.

The Ties That Strangle

Take a look at the above drawing, it was done by Raine over at Deviant Art under the screenname Raine—Angel. She writes more about the picture there. But the idea that I want to get across is that the picture says so much. There's an important message right there in the picture and some people might miss it. Both of the girls, very different kind of girls, have cuts down their arms. As a matter of a fact, the picture is called cuts.

About a year ago I was sitting down with a couple of friends and talking about some everyday stuff, somehow or another we got on the subject of cutting. I think back then I really didn't understand it. But the strange part is that two of the people in the group, both of them women, had each on several occasions cut themselves. They talked about the rush and the feeling and they shared a little bit about it. Oddly enough they were very different, they were the kind of people that didn't normally talk to each other really. But when we got on this subject they suddenly seemed to connect.

Conversation erupted from there and when they talked more and more about it I think that I grew to understand it just a little bit more. I think that I do understand something though, a lot of the issues that women face today are because of the things that society places on women's head. America expects women to be so much all at one time; they're expected to be sexy some of the time, a parent some of the time, beautiful all of the time, have careers balance them with a perfect home life, and sexually devious when called for, but only when called for.

And most of these stigmas are just the one's we see placed on older women. When women are younger they are bombarded with so much telling them how to be, likewise young men have constricting things thrown at them all of the time too. So many times older men will tell younger ones things that you should never tell a child. I can speak from experince, I've got a certain family member that lives out of state and when he came down and saw a picture of one of my friends and he mistakingly thought it was my girlfriend. He told me, You need to dump her because her tits aren't big enough.

I was offended, really. I think that this is just part of the problem. I see so much wrong with how women are treated, especially here at college; a guy gives a girl home and he's supposed to get sex in return, another guy has nude pictures of girls and shows them to whoever he wants? Granted, the girls should have never agreed to those conditions in either situation. But many times the female may be scared, embarassed or just want to conform.

I can think of several cases where people have held things above someone's head, blackmailed them. The worst example that I can think of is I had a friend when I was younger who was dating a football guy. He secretly videotaped them having intercourse. Well when he had enough, he showed her and told her that he would show everyone what she had done if she didn't agree to service his friends. He made her sleep with about six of his football buddies whenever they requested her. And she didn't know what to do about it.

What would anyone do in that situation? The guy was as close to they come to evil, he deserves to be in some kind of prison. Yet there are men like this in high schools and colleges. It takes a lot of effort to care for someone so little. To think of someone as an object to such a high dregee, even to thing of sex as nothing more than something fun to pass the time like a video game. I think knowing that these kinds of things, this is why people cut. Because they really just want to know that their not objects, they want to know that their alive and that they're still humans able to feel.

No one should ever have to test that.

Erections And Vaginal Fluid

For the first time since I subscribed to Blogger there was a problem last night. Blogger has been shoveling shit at me for like a day in a half. Well I make sure that no matter where I am posting, the blogger posts are up to date. That's just because that's how I am. Well not much has been going on. For the last few days I have been working on writing something, just a little bit on the story. Yes, the same story that I have had to restart so many times.

It would seem that this time of year there are so many different things flying around, people are out trying to find someone to hook up with for the approaching holiday. I choose to more or less ignore it, since I have had soem pretty bad Valentine's Days, everything that can go wrong has, short of losing a limb.

It's funny, things that you notice about people when you talk to them about relationships. Everyone I know seems to have a different opinion on things. I remember a time when I used to use my blogger account for mostly discussing gender issues, and I remember all of the arguments that started. I really wouldn't call them arguments as much as I would heated debates.

I enjoyed those conversations; I'd actually would like to replicate some of them on here.

One thing that I have noticed lately is that many times when I am on my art site people will complain about how there are so many cam whores on deviant art. I mean it might seem like that, but there is a lot of good stuff too. Some of these people still will complain about how the rules on DA are different for men and women. If you photograph a nude woman the rules state that there can't be an over abundance of vaginal fluid. I'm pretty sure that's easy enough to take care of. Well the rule for men is that the penis can never be photographed erect.

Simple enough, right? Well some guy got on the forum on DA last week stirring up a contreversy over how men were treated when they did nude photography. I don't really see a problem with the rule, people already take advantage of every other rule on that site, I mean I can show you pictures that shouldn't be up anywhere except for porn sites, drawings of Harry Potter orgies and the like. Not to mention the fucking furries parading around looking for furry rights.

So I just want to pose the question, does that rule seem fair to everyone?

Productivity.

Why the late update, you may be wondering? Well last night it seems that blogger was down. I went to bed pretty early for the last two nights in a row. When I was at Heather's I went to bed at 11:30 and last night I went to sleep around 2:30 in the morning, which is pretty early for me.

I'm going to stop running around at night so late though, I really have to, as a matter of a fact, I am going to stop going to hang out with people I don't like. Last night I got up and left my friends because it was just time for me to go, and I did. That's something I have been working on doing more often.

So much around here is changing and so much is falling apart and there are so many other important things that I could spend my energy on, I don't need to be up all night doing nothing, or out playing video games late. I mean at least when I come home and write I am doing something productive.

My Past Few Days

It's been a little while since I updated this, so instead of the normal bullshit I think I'll just tell you how things are going in my life. I'm starting to get scared that things are too much like last semester and now I am going to start trying to change that. Tomorrow I have class at three and I will be thereb right and early. I need to keep up and do my best. Not only that, I know that this month will be busy for me. I have that wedding to go to, which i'm starting to be kind of excited about.

I asked an old friend to go with me, so that's going good and I know that I'll be there seeing all of my old friends again in the same spot for the first time since God knows when. One thing I am worried about is having the cash to get there and back, I know I can get there, but the plan now is to leave here on the Saturday before, go to Austin and then go to Houston from there. I don't know how that's going to work out really. I haven't done that drive in a while, not since the summer when I had to see Mandi.

I also happened to meet a really cool girl, who I share a lot of interests in, she's one of Heather's friends and Heather is always talking about how we seem alike. I really don't think it will go anywhere. I mean I'm not trying, I actually have something else in mind right now, but more on that later.