Paint Me Green

What can I tell you guys about today? I mean I have gone over some stuff that hasn't really been the normal thing around here for the last how ever many months. I've decided that I don't have a prepared topic for the night, so I will just tell you some things that I have decided to do, I am going to in the next few weeks try to write something for the school paper, I am going to try and make a nice, neat, and orderly Valentines card set, at least one, I might make two.

I thought about the things that I could be doing around here, the people that I could help if I really wanted to. Many times I don't know where to start. But the Valentine' Day cards, those are something that I've never done because, well I really hate that holiday and I think the whole thing is just terrible, especially when you're single and already down.

I figure that I will need a few of these, and I don't know how I will get them out, I might just make them as e-cards. Sorry, none of the men will be getting them because...yeah...no. I'll just send them over email or myspace or something like that. I might even use stock footage of something I have already drawn and assemble it into a card, who knows. That would just be lazy, the best way would be to just draw some new stuff.

The other thing that I wanted to say is that the other day I was doing something on face book and I was on someone else's page, I scroll down and who do I see a wall message from but Allison. Now I know that I should have really stopped thinking about this so long ago, but it hit me that she never, I don't think but once, messaged me on myspace or facebook, even when it was important. She might have read them, but that was it. Now I have to give it to her, she did send me emails and IMs, but I never understood why I didn't warrant a message. And asking now would destroy whatever there was left of a friendship...if you can call it that now.

I just hope that things with everyone that I know right now don't end up like that, I am starting to see some of the same feelings rise up right now with some of my other friends and it scares me, but then it makes me think Shit, I will just do this again huh?. After her I seem to be faster to just want to not be friends with people. When you let someone in and go out on a limb for them, just to have them turn around and leave you there cold it makes you feel like you lost a part of yourself and you're just going to get more bitter.

I saw that message on another person's page and I got jealous, because..frankly I want that friendship. Not the one I had, I want one where we talk on facebook and IM each other, or do those silly little survey things that everyone says they hate but everyone fucking does. I want the friendship where we hang out all day or just watch movies together or something. It seemed like she was so eager to have that with everyone else, like every time I turned around she was doing those things more and more with my friends and not with me. It just made me feel little and like I didn't matter.

I really need to go now, I just need to lay down and rest, I have been at this desk for hours and tomorrow I'm probably going to do it all again.