What the Hell?

Valentines Day is over (thank God) and I am thinking about someone that I shouldn't be, someone that I discussed things with a while back and I know she doesn't feel that way. Why do I want to go back and revisit that, what makes me feel like it could do any good? I think hat was most appealing to me about her was that she was the first person that I met in a steril enviroment, cut off from my friends; from my school.

Up until that point every friend that I had made was someone that I saw in school or that knew a friend or something like that, there has never been any realy Adult Interaction between me and anyone, that is to say that everyone I have met was someone I was around not because I wanted to be or because I was out just hanging around, but because they were in the same place as me, school or a friends. It meant a lot to think that someone respected me and wanted to get to know me and I wish I had a way to retry what I wanted to, to go back to that day and call her again.

Nevermind that the outcome will be the same, I feel like this is going to be one of those things you think about because you might have also ruined something. Yet I don't know, I can't see the future, but I want to know that things will be okay with us, this bears a startling resemblance to what happened with you know who.

Right now my mind is stuck and I can't even get myself away from the idea that no matter what I do with this person I am doomed. So presented with the idea that I already may be fucked should I just walk away so I don't risk hurting her at least? I'm worried that I might mess things up all over again and that is what I never want to have happen.

This is the kind of thing thaty could keep you up at night, this is what I worry about.

On a good note, I got a lot of writing done today and it would seem that I have a co author again, Megan O'Shea has invested her help in this one, I'm proud to have her on board. Today I had a great writing stirde until I started thinking about this someone, sometimes I make myself wonder if I'm fit to really be around people...