Iran

Been watching a lot of the news lately and I heard something very interesting, the prime minister of Iraq says that he thinks most of the violence going on in Iraq is actually being caused by Iranian operatives inside of Iraq. Now I don't know about anyone else, but I am starting to think that the President might have lied about the war in Iraq to get us over there so that he could set up a foot hold to fight Iran.

Then you have the fact that Egypt has gone on the record as saying, this is Egypt, one of the most stable Muslim countries, is saying now that they will have to start making nuclear weapons just because of the fact that they say they have to defend themselves against Iran who is trying to build an empire.

I am starting to think that this is not a war on the west, this is actually a war on anyone who is not a radical Muslim, the radicals want to control the rest of the world. Now most of this information I heard on the Glen Beck show, but a lot of it has been backed up by documents and other things he has show, and this is all on CNN, not some fly by night news broadcast. And while they have been wrong before, they don't out and out lie.

I hope that no matter what, who ever wins the election has the stones to handle a war with Iran, it looks like that's where we're headed.

Lilith

While doing more research for my second story, I came across some interesting stuff based on old Hebrew myth. Most if it has to do with the Lilithian myth. Lilith is the first wife of Adam, according to myth, most people haven't heard of this. But when Lilith was told she would have to lay below Adam during intercourse she became irate and argued with him telling him she would not comply.

Eventually she became so angry with him insisting that this happen that she yelled the name of God, which is a big no no, and flew off into the sky. God sent three Angels to get her, their names were Senoy, Sansenoy, and Semangelof. The names of these angels is a big deal because we can notice that they, much like Lucifer, do not possess the "el" in their names.

Lilith refused to return and the Angels told her that 100 of her children would die each day until she did. She still refused and chose to go off and mate with the demons that roamed the Earth. Now how the story research led me here...if I were to say it would give some of the story away, but I think it is a little interesting to think about this story. Because this would mean several things, one that Lilith was without Original sin, therefore she would be immortal. And two that the entire argument sounds very feminist in scope.

Add on that most of what we know about Lilith was found at a time when being a feminist was probably a crime about as bad as being a witch and would get you hanged. Now many of the more modern incarnations of Lilith have to do with pagan religion, sometimes even vampires come up as being the children of Liith, or Lillum (Lillin). Notice that the tense of the word is only feminine, the masculine, Lillus is hardly used.

I just thought all of this was a little interesting, of course I find strange shit like this to be of value you when almost none of it fits canonically with Bible, there is only one mention of Lilith there, which might be the only proof that any of this other shit is valid.

There's A Polite Way To Do This

It's not secret that I am not feeling all that good right now, and I am being honest. But I try to be nice with people on a one on one basis, just because. I'm trying to get out and meet new people, talk to them and that kind of thing. But it doesn't make sense why someone has to be so pissy when I just try to hold conversation with them. Especially when the conversation boils down to something small and nothing you should even get upset over. I'm sorry that you didn't want to talk right then, but you could have said that as soon as I started talking, or at least said it in a nice way.

And then we get to the point that you are online, on AIM and not even away or idle. I mean I understand there are reasons to be on and not want to talk, but put up an away or idle. I would rather have to see that and get ignored than have you get pissed and threaten to get mad at me for a ten message exchange in which I did nothing wrong other than show common interest in what you were doing.

People keep trying to tell me that humans are mostly good, I don't see it. All I see is assholes wearing masks.

Common Misconception

Last night I talked to an old friend I told her something, I'm not going to repeat it here, its hardly something that you need to know to get the point of the story. But the idea here is that she was so shocked by what I told her and professed that I didn't seem like the type who would do that thing.

This spiked my curiosity and I wondered what it was about me in high school that made it seem like I didn't think about stuff like that. Why was it that people there had the idea I was this sweet innocent person who didn't think things that I'm sure a lot of the general population does? I asked her over and over what it was about me that made her think this.

For clarity sake I will say this, it was nothing overwhelmingly nasty, awkward or uncommon, maybe something you don't expect if you don't know me that well, though.

The thing is that in high school I couldn't talk to the people I went to school with about things. The few times I divulged anything it would suddenly end up being public knowledge and then everyone would know it somehow. I didn't feel like that was something that should have happened, but that was high school for me. I got picked on for who I liked and what I liked. My music wasn't the stuff that I should have listened to supposedly, the girls I liked weren't always considered attractive so I learned early on to keep my mouth shut.

But after talking to my friend the other night I am wondering what misconceptions other people I have known in the past have about me. I know the people who really know me like Prentiss, Brandon, John, Heather and others like those know most of the story. But I wonder to others how I come off.

Down Points And Shades of Gray

This morning I went to a place that I hadn't even thought about in probably thirteen years. I went back to my old elementary school. You see before I moved out to Manvel, before my mother died when I was six, I lived in Spring, Texas and I went to school right where my nephew goes now.

Of course, that was all fourteen years ago. And now I fee old, fourteen years. From the moment that we stepped into the cafeteria it was kind of creepy. I mean when i think of that place everything was so huge. I was so tiny. I remember not being able to see over things, and now those same things barely reach my waist. I remember it taking forever to walk down those halls after recess but because my stride is bigger now the walk is barely even registrable as a walk.

I took my nephew this morning because of the Donuts for Dad's event that was going on at his school. His dad, my brother was out of town on account of business. Funny though, they were doing the exact same event when I was his age and my father couldn't make it, the price of having a dad as a doctor. I suppose sometimes I think that I wish I had more time with my parents, you know before I got to that age where I realized half of what they told me was bullshit and that they annoy the Hell out of me.

But I wonder what the me back then would say if he met the me now. I don't even think little kids know what to say. Their minds don't work the same, they're more abstract. And the world they observe, even though it might be the same world we observe, is a much happier place when you don't have over a decade of grief backing it up. When my mom died that was probably when I realized that bad things didn't just happen on television. And that when bad things happened they weren't resolved in thirty minutes with time enough for commercial breaks.

I used to watch a lot of Nick at Night when I was a kid, now there is a world you would want to live in,want your kids to live in. All of that wonder and hope, all of the problems ironing themselves out in one or two episodes. No grief and best of all, no shades of gray. Because the shades of gray are what really get you in life, the areas where its hard to tell right from wrong and your moral compass is going berserk.

Life, well life now, seems to just be marked by a series of down points and the areas of gray fogginess. And the trick, I've learned is to learn what down points to dodge, which ones you can't and how to take a hit. Through all of this gray fog you can't see far ahead and some things aren't always morally spelled out.

There's Nothing Left Here

In all honesty you've seen the last there is of me to see because there's nothing left there to see. So don't be surprised if I've stopped caring about most of the dumb shit people worry about on a day to day basis and don't be shocked if I sound bitter. I am bitter, I'm going to be bitter and the reasoning behind this is because not only do I never get what I want, I never even get what I need. I never even get to be happy or enjoy something as simple as a really close friend.

All I asked was to keep this one thing so I'd have some level of sanity left, someone to ground me here in the world and to support me. Yeah I have other friends but none have had the effect of this one in the short time that she was there. So I don't want to drag this out, I just want to say don't expect me to be the same. I'm not, I'm not going to be for a long time. I promised I would be better when all of this is over, but I really don't see how I will.

I lost a friend, and it might be for a long time. It might not. Yes I'm hurting over it but this is only the latest thing to have gone wrong in a string of things I can't even begin to comprehend. Above all else I wanted this one person by my side and it seems she wouldn't be due to circumstances that neither of us can control.

One of my best friends gone, and all I can say is that this is probably the worst year yet. It's not even Feburary and I feel like that already. My spirit's pretty much crushed and I don't even want to know what the rest of this time is going to hold, I just want her back.

My (highly Offensive) Political Rant

I'm sick and fucking tired of people bitching about President Bush. I go out to the stores and its all I hear people talking about. When he's worried about the war people bitch about him ignoring the environment. He goes and talks about the environment recently and low and behold they are suddenly worried about the war and why he's not worried about it.

People are bitching about the death toll in Iraq, and I am no Bush supporter, and I definitely don't agree with being affiliated with a political party, but do you all realize the death tolls of previous wars we've been in? In Vietnam there were weeks where over 4,000 died. Think of that four fucking thousand.

In World War II that many died in one day sometimes...so you think this war is a bloody mess. History shows us it's not. Hell, terrorism must not be an effective way of fighting if they are over there killing as many of themselves, or more in this case, than they do of themselves.

And to those who support Israel because its the homeland of the Jews and consequently, Jesus, you all need to pull your heads out of your asses. Israel is fucking up. If we did what they were doing to those people over there the whole world would jump us. Even Jesus would kick someone in the crotch for acting like a dick, which they are, blowing up ambulances and the like.

I really don't go on political rants often, but this is more of a stupid people rant. Look at the things you're saying, you try to answer questions you haven't heard yet. Political Parties are the dumbest thing since some fucktard tried to invent the football bat. And then to you who would defend Israel...that's not their country anymore. They lost that in a war fair and square. How would you like it if after World War III some other people somewhere came and told us that we had to give England control of the whole East Coast, even though they lost it centuries ago in a war?

That's what happened to the Palestinians after World War II, before you speak out, learn what you're talking about; otherwise you might just show off your stupidity.

A Rain to Wash The World Clean

"A rain to wash the world clean," that's a quote from the movie Cowboy Bebop; and that is also what it seems like is going on outside. This isn't the hard kind of rain, not the threatening kind. But the kind that you see that seems peaceful and cleansing. I love soft rain when its cold out and you can just sit and look out at everything, or sit and read, or sit and write. Any of those would be acceptable answers.

I don't think that I have had time to report that I did actually finish my first story, it is the first time in a year I have finished anything I was writing that was over ten pages. And that says a lot I guess. Some might think it says that I procrastinate. But in actuality I think it says I have been rewriting over and over because that is what I have been doing.

So now with this roll that I am on I am launching myself right into the next story so that I can keep rolling with this, I want to have two stories done by this summer, that means that I will have to have one more done.

I wanted to get to something but I drug this out so long that I will hardly have time to say it before I get too long winded. So I am going to work on writing it in another blog.

Like Yellow Does On Blue

Right now I am sitting in the hallway at the school, typing on the lap top and just wondering, what I can do to get back on my feet. I'm so tired right now that I am sore. I am actually trying really hard in school this time around. And I know that it is going to take a lot out of me. This weekend was pretty bad, I won't go into details but out of all the good jokes that came out of this weekend, it really still wasn't worth it.

The only things that I really got to do this weekend were get a few things and drop of Persephanie's gift, I saw my friends, but it got ruined, by myself of all people. I really just want to avoid everyone right now, or most everyone. I really don't feel all that great.

I talked to Persephanie on her birthday, by the way happy birthday to her, and she made me feel a little better. She's always pulling for me, there are a few people who are. I wonder if I really deserve with the way I have been lately. I owe a lot of people apologies that I'm not willing to give them in person. I'm not even willing to look them in the eye.

Things are, to say the least, very confusing right now. I'm lost and without a map. But something happened on the way home from San Antonio, I heard something in a song that made me think back on how much I depend on some people. How much people depend on us. I rely on one person especially for support. The line from the song says it perfectly, "I can't deny that I've relied on you, like yellow does on blue".

The prospect of losing this person has come up, and the reasons aren't in my hands. 2007 is quickly becoming a contender for the title of shittiest year ever, but then it has to go up against high school (2000-2004) which was a four-peat and lets not forget the shitfest (shitstorm if you will) that was last year. If this keeps up I might just Falcon Punch somebody.

What Is Unattainable?

What I wrote yesterday seemed to illicit some response. I guess its because so many guys have gotten shit on by the whole thing. All that I have to say in the defense of the women is I can figure while you do it. And its something that Chris Rock said, because really when the guy is talking he speaks a lot of truth for a comedian.

Basically what he said was that the reason that women are so defensive is because from the time they are about fourteen years old they have men trying to offer them sex.

Now before any of you girls call my bluff think about the number of times you've had guys go out of their way for you, now think back to how long those guys stuck around after they figured out they weren't getting any. Even I am guilty of this. Not in the same way that I stated. But I've been trying to talk to a woman, get their attention and the like and then I notice a wedding ring and I scatter like roaches when the light comes on.

Does it make me a bad guy if I lose interest in a woman when I realize she's unattainable? I mean some people would say that its just me being shallow that I don't get to know the person first, but I assure you that I think her husband would beg to differ.

But there are some girls who aren't unattainable, but they are just harder to go for. Recently I started to think about what it would take to go after someone who you really cared for and what it was worth. What I mean by that is that if you think the person is so important that you can't stand to let them pass by. And even then there is always that time when you just have to chalk it up to that unattainable category. Right now I am trying to decide what to do.

When Did This Become Standard

I can tell you this right now, if you're dating someone, talking to them, or anything, make sure that your intentions are well known before you decide to upgrade or downgrade the relationships. This means that you don't just expect them to understand you want more than there is now and you definitely don't just stop talking to them all together.

This happened to me recently, a girl decided that she didn't want to talk anymore. And really I am tired of it. You really try to take things at their pace, you try to be nice and care about them and they don't even give you the benefit of telling you that she is not feeling like this is the right thing. I don't even know how many times I have had girls tell me some off the wall story trying to make me feel better instead of just coming out and saying we shouldn't date anymore, or even what they are doing with you right then, isn't a date.

If you were asked out on a date by a guy, and you don't want to date anymore, just tell him. Don't try to let him down soft or whatever you want to call it. That's when things get complicated because a lot of the time what a woman calls letting a guy down soft is just her way of dodging the issue. If you didn't want to date the guy, then don't accept the offer, if you get on the date and realize its not right, then tell him.

This girl and I never got to go on a date, we actually met over myspace. So I never even got to meet her in person. But when we talked she seemed normal and interested. Problem was when that ran out, she just took off. It's not like I had invested much in it, I don't invest much in people these days let alone relationships. I just thought maybe she would actually be fair about things.

Trophy Wife

Today is when I go home, I really don't want to go back right now, I am really content ot sit here and just type, maybe hang out with some of the people that are still around. I'm not really that excited about Christmas. I don't really hate the holiday, I actually hate Thanksgiving. One good thing is that when I go home I might get to see people that I haven't seen in a long time. I talked to Julie Matteson the other day, Julie and I haven't seen each other since I left for school almost three years ago. I really miss Julie, she was one of the few people that I knew who really felt like she actually meant and did the right thing all of the time. I haven't seen Matt, another friend of mine since my first year of college. PJ and John I see when I go home pretty much, but its always good to get to see them.

I really hope that in my week there I get to see the people that I really miss. So that I can make this trip at least half worth it. People around me are really becoming more and more stressful, which is partly why some of the things that I have done some of the things I have recently. Whether or not some of the stress is relieved remains to be seen.

Sliding Doors

This was written by Persephanie, seems strangely similar to my plight right about now. I told her that, but not the exact details of everything. Well tell me what you think. This was originally posted on myspace.

You might be wondering what I meant by "sliding doors". There are many times in a person's life where one ponders on the idea of the "What ifs". What if the south won in the Civil War? What if Kerry won against Bush? What if you break up? What if you don't get into the college of your dreams? What if something happens beyond your control, and you aren't prepared for it? There are endless "what ifs" in a person's lifetime, but how do we handle them?

Recently, something has made me think of the sliding door metaphor. The door can open one way or the other, yet I have no choice in the situation. I become the spectator, observing my life transforming while my feet are cemented into the floor not allowing me to make any moves. However, despite the fact that we can't see what the future holds for us, we can do one thing: keep our chin up.

I know this is corny, but we cannot give up, we cannot stop fighting the good fight, we cannot let the "what ifs" bring us down. Never. Keep on smiling, laughing, and living. The worst thing in life is allowing something or someone kick us so hard in the ass that it kills the inside of our hearts, minds, and souls. Like I say, I'm no superman and I can't do this all on my own, but hell, I'm going to try my damned best to win, whether it's the war or just a small battle. And the battle can just be proving the world that you've got what it takes to stay on your feet.

Sometimes The Hardest Thing And The Right One Are the Same

Have you ever said something to someone only to realize exactly what you were saying later and to really come to grasp it? I was talking about this song by The Fray with the line in it "Sometimes the hardest thing and right one are the same..." That line right there may not mean much when you look at it, but it makes me wonder.

There are always those times when you say you're going to work through something no matter what it is and you are going to get things to work out, then there are those times when you just give up and let things fall by the wayside. But how do you decide when its just time to throw in the towel? Right now there is this girl, she seems unattainable. She's younger, she's moving away and she just seems too nice and too good looking for me. Despite every other girl that comes around I have been unable to get her off my mind since the moment I heard her name.

Even she is always telling me to try for what I want and to fight for it, does that mean she wants to see me do that for her? I'm not sure if I have much more fight left in me. And then, how do you let someone know that all you want and need in life is them really? You can't just say it to someone like that, there's no way that could be taken the right way.

Now there is another girl, who I really haven't known long, but I am willing to try if she is. The only thing is that I don't want to miss my chance with the first girl. I'm so confused as to what to do. Both of them are really sweet and I don't know where do go with either of them next.

Not sure if anyone else has ever been in this place, but it is not fun. Right now I am racking my brain thinking about it. Man I suck at life.

The Monsters Are Due On Maple Street

The Monsters Are Due On Maple Street was an episode of the Original Twilight zone, one of the most famous actually. The episode revolved around a small suburban neighborhood and the suspicion that aliens might soon be coming. When the whole block loses power its easy for the people to suspect this is part of the alien plot, but when one person gets their power turned back on it is thought he must be one of the alien conspirators.

Eventually the a mob gathers and ends up killing the man who's light had come on, but one of the most outspoken members of the mob returns home to find his lights on and knows how it must look. The last shot in the episode is of two aliens speaking on a hilltop overlooking the town.

"Understand the procedure now? Just stop a few of their machines...throw them into darkness for a few hours and then sit back and watch the pattern. They pick the most dangerous enemy they can find and it's themselves."

This episode has been remade once, using terrorism instead of aliens. But the main thing to see here is that when face with adversity people often turn on each other. Its easy to point the finger instead of trying to fix the problem. The end of the show narration went like this:

"The tools of conquest do not necessarily come with bombs and explosions and fallout. There are weapons that are simply thoughts... attitudes... prejudices. To be found only in the minds of men. For the record, prejudices can kill, and suspicion can destroy, and the thoughtless, frightened search for a scapegoat has a fallout all of its own for the children, and the children yet unborn. And the pity of it is... that these things cannot be confined to... The Twilight Zone."