Form of the Mind, Form of the Man

There's too much for me to say that I can't say, but there are a lot of things going on that I don't agree on. I can't say them, I can't tell anyone because I have been sworn to keep all of this inside, and I hate keeping things inside. I like at the issues there, I see them all around me and I have to bite my tongue. When is it too late to bite your tongue? When have your looks spoken the words that your teeth won't allow your tongue to form?

In the back of my mind there is so much going on. I went out earlier tonight, I went to the Shisha place with Brandon and all of them, it was earlier than we normally go and the place was empty. By the time we got back I just felt like talking to Sandra for a while, but my fucking stomach told me otherwise. I felt like if I didn't eat there would be a repeat preformance of the other day when I went home and threw up twice on the way back because of the medication.

They say on a full stomach for a reason, if you take it any other way it will destroy you! I am serious kids. So tomorrow the plan is as follows, I want to be out of here by around four o' clock and I want to be on the road. Acompanying Neemo and I on this little excursion will be Brandon. Almost everyone else that we tried to bring couldn't come or backed out on us.

This all promises to be fun and great and stuff, but in the back of my mind I hope we can get the money together by then, the money I was supposed to get didn't come yet this week, so I will be checking for it before I leave tomorrow. And I really want to go home, not just so Neemo can see Shirin, but I want to see Sandra, and stop and help my mom get the rest of this stuff put in the attic, I just feel like I need to do that and I want her to meet Brandon and Neemo, she seems to think all of my friends with the exception of PJ and John are pompus assholes and I want to show her that's not true. That I have good friends like Neemo and Brandon.

I have always held to the fact that since I have been here I think that the most decent people I have met at this school have been Neemo and Brandon I said this because of the fact that I am so critical of the way people act towards others. This is the main reason thatI want nothing to do with the group that plays games over there, not just because of how they play, but because they don't make things fun. Fun to me means that everyone has to have fun. If you're being overly mean to others in an unplayful way, I don't want to deal with you. And if you think that fun requires we always be parked in front of the television I do not want to deal with it.

I want to put this up, I think I'm growing as a person. A while ago I would have just stayed there with those people, I would have put up with their shit and I would have toughed it out and thought about being a man. I think being a man includes knowing when to walk away, and I think it includes knowing that it's just a game guys. Knowing that real life with real people is what matters. I think I want to just be able to talk and hang out with people. Hanging out with Brandon, Tarin and Frank tonight showed me that, I had the most fun that I have had in a long time. I want things to be like that more often.

I know that they can't be that way all of the time, but sometimes its nice to have people to talk to, people where everything is not about games and anime. I mean I like those things, but I think sometimes we alienate others by talking about them. Its okay to do that when the group is people who are taken to that kind of thing, gamers, anime watchers. Or people who enjoy either to a point. But when its us in a big group of people who have no interest in those things, its best to try and steer the conversation away from that type of thing.

Steps down off of his soap box.

I don't know what got into me there, I kind of took it upon myself to get a little preachy, but the point is, I need to expand my interests in things, or at least explore my other interests a little more. I think it just counts to be a well rounded person.

The Tension and the Terror

I have really good news, I asked my friend Sandra out today and she said yes, so this is a really good thing, and I'm happy about it. I'll get to see her this weekend. I really don't want to go into details about how all of this happened, but that's the short version. Then on top of that, today was Neemo's birthday, so I just want to tell him happy birthday.

Yay, good things...

Now for a little bit of bad news, I might not be playing Smash Brothers anymore with my friends for the most part, they want to play in a place and with people that I don't agree with. And I know that when the people over there hear this they're going to say it was because I was losing. But that's not it, its because the people over there don't worry about anything but winning where as I just like to have fun so long as I get to stay alive in the game and play around. On top of that, they play in the only kitchen in that dorm, a place that one thousand plus residents have to share...and we waste it on a game? We even make noise with two people on either side of us to boot.

Saying that I am done is a little different than what I said the other day, I really think that this might be the end of most of it for me as far as playing goes, which is good, I waste far too much time on it. Now I can have more time to write and do all that other stuff I neglect.

I do have something else to say about the whole girlfriend thing, I don't think the fact that I have one has hit me yet...I mean earlier when she was going to bed she said Hey baby, I'm going to bed, and it caught me off guard. I just had to smile, which I really don't think I do enough. Well ending this on a happy note, I need to get back to whatever the hell it is I do at 12:30 in the morning.

My...My, My, My.

What is there to say about to day, I have a descion to make, when do I do this? When can I fess up and just let out what's going on in side? I don't know yet when I will have the chance.

My Scene

I hope that I owe this to myself, I want to see this come to a happy ending, I want to see this all turn out well and I want to be able to look at something and think that For once I did this the right way. How hard is it for you to follow your feelings? How much does it take for you to look around and tell someone on the phone that you can't say that because others are around? Whatever it was that you weren't saying, was it sexual...or was it something caring, something really deep. People think that just because something is sexual it is deep, private or intimate. But with the way things are today, its not the truth.

We move through life by sloppily painted caricatures of intimacy that tug at us and ask us to do this or that. When do things get real? When do things really start to take effect and to happen? Complaining is a waste of time, so many of the things I do are a waste of time, and so are many of the things that people do. I had a thought today, I had this cross my mind that I spend so much time doing things that let me have nothing to show for it.

I might have felt something when back when I did these things when I was younger, but now winning a video game doesn't make me happy, most times when I play games I find I'm not even having fun. Story driven games are different, I love them because its like an interactive novel, you gain an understanding for the characters and their situations, I will always play those games like Metal Gear and Final Fantasy.

But what the hell is going on when I can look at what I am doing and say that I should be writing right now or there's better things that I could do. I used to talk about getting a girlfriend and how so many guys I know that play games ignore their girls. I'm not going to be like that, I hope I never will, I can't put games over people that I care about. I mean I proved to myself that if I know what is important to me that I can do it.

Today I went to Church, sure I could have just told Brandon that I wanted to go eat with CJ or something and that I couldn't make it, but I didn't because I knew what was important. I know that classes are important, that there are people who are important to me and I know how I should act accordingly. Somewhere I realized that I don't want to play games so much anymore, I will still hang out with my friends but I will be writing or drawing. I have so much more to offer as far as those things go.

I feel like something is wrong, like I am missing out and I know that I used to never play games really, in high school there was the ocasional story game and that was it. But here there are people to play with and high speed internet, who could resist? I do like to play them sometimes, and I still will, but I just don't want to waste entire Saturdays playing Smash Brothers anymore and I don't want to miss class because I am in the Roost playing.

Plus there's someone I want to give more time to if I get the chance, I don't want to waste all of the time I have to talk to this person or hang out with them because I am playing games. I want to be a better person for that reason, I want to get to a place where I am better with who I am and what I do, I am better at what I do! Anyone who knows me knows that I hate most of the things I do, and hate how I do most things. I'm not happy with mosr of the things I'm stuck with from day to day. I feel bad about how things have ended with friends, and I feel like I am ignored a lot of the time or just treated a certain way because no one thinks I care.

I don't want this anymore, I'm moving on from this place...its like a fade out, a scene change. Nothing will be the same hence forth...

My Realization

I have noticed more and more when I fail to take my medication that I am just not in the mood for certain people, I don't know if that means there's a problem with me or the other people. It's like I don't have any desire to sit around and play games with these people if I am not going to be having fun. I have no want to go out of my way to please others. Are these really bad things? Sometimes I wonder just what the hell these things actually do.

Yesterday I got into a weird mood, I just didn't want to be around some people and I realized how much that these people annoy me, utterly. I realized that I didn't want to talk to some people and I realized that I didn't even want to deal with their shit anymore. I wasn't sad about it, I might have been a little mad but that was it. I'm at that point where I don't know what I want to do. I'm tired of always being the last person that anyone thinks to call or do anything with, this is why I don't generally go anywhere with people.

It's been decided that htis week I don't go anywhere I don't want to, I don't do things I am tried of doing just to make others happy. I don't really want to do it anymore. Things I did to fit in and because I wasn't sure, no more of that. It doesn't matter in the long run.

So now I am about to head to bed and there's a lot on my mind. But I don't need to have to worry about what other people want me to do.

My Small Entry

I'm sleeping longer and staying awake less, my mind is working in overtime and I think of things that I never would have a month ago, a year ago. I need to hurry and get a lot done, I want to go to church tonight, but if I do I will surely miss class which I can't afford to do, I havbe already ruined one class with this silly depression stuff.

I am going to start working on the comic some now, this is a short entry.

My Big Easy

There's a lot of times that the things you want to say will be taken with the wrong regard, I mean I can name several situations that I know if people said that they were thinking, and were prefectly right about it would be taken very wrong. Most times these things have to do with sensative subjects, such as religion or politics, you can say what you really believe or even something that is a proven fact, and people will get very pissed about it.

As a person who has said some very dumb things in the past, things that were even dumber because of the company that I was keeping, I know how bad reactions can fuck up any relationship or situation. I remember one time I made a comment about sending fat people to the moon as a joke, and a friend stopped talking to me over it. Things that you say effect people's outlook of you, even now when I make an offensive joke, even if the joke would offend any group I belong to I make sure that I don't have anyone around who is easily offended, and if I do I make sure that I don't care if I offend them.

It's funny about people, sometimes they will go their whole life with people trying to do something for them that is grand and great when all they wanted was the simpler thing. It's like on X-Files what Aurthur Dales said in the episode The Unnatural, You're just dying to connect the dots aren't you, son? Look, I give you some wood and I ask you for a cabinet. You build me a cathedral. I don't want a cathedral.

It seems that sometimes the most simple things that you can want, the things that should be easier to give than anything else are hardest to get people to see. People want to give you the world, people want to give you it all when all you really wanted was a little bit. Still I can't help but think that it would be nice to have a lot of nice things in life, to have everything that you could ever want. Then I think that I want the simplist of things, I don't have to say what it is, I mean that's not important. All that seems to be important is that I want this simple thing and the fact that just telling the wrong person this could ruin our friendship.

How many people out there really know what it feels like to have ruined something good? How many of you can say that you had a great thing, and you shit all over...and not only that but after shitting on it, you pulled you pants up walked off and then realized just how bad it was. I don't need anyone in here that is going to tell me that their friend said that they had ruined everything. I want someone who realized the error of their ways because if you have to be told you obviously didn't know how good it was to begin with.

This is not something I want to ruin, matter of a fact between thoughts of classwork and unpaid parking tickets this has been eating at me all day, am I going to ruin this? I know I don't want to...but whether or not I have the strenght to do this at this present time is another thing. If this is the case I need to change some stuff, I need to stand up taller and admit some things that have been wrong, I need to work on fixing them and I need to do it because it's been needing to be done for a long time and only now can I really see it. I need to start being more truthful about what I think to myself and to others...but today I will need to handle business first, school stuff, then class drop...then test, then relaxing and thinking of a plan.

I know this will all be hard, the school, the other stuff--but nothing worth having ever came easy right? And its like Bri said One who never tries the impossible, is never the first to accomplish anything. I don't know where she got that from, but she's one smart chickie-boo. Eh, this is all getting a little quotation heavy. But I wanted to share one more thing, Neemo drew a picture for me of the character I tried to enter in the art conetest, her name is Pellegri Amano and the lovely Vanessa drew a picture for me for my birthday a few weeks back it's here.

That is all...

My Break

Alright everyone, here I am again. Back in this place, I feel a little refreshed after spending the weekend away, there really is a lot that I have to work through, I mean a lot. But I feel like I might be able to do it now. Just maybe. And I always feel like my srping break wasn't a total waste. This weekend included a hell of a lot of traveling and a little bit of fun. I could have done without all of the driving, but I got to spend time with Neemo and Shirin, it was really fun.

And everyone got to see how shitty I am at painting, I mean really bad. We went to this place where you paint little plaster things. And I was painting this little cup, I am so shitty at painting! For someone who draws so weell I sure look tarded when I try and do anything that invovles brush work. I can barely use my damn brush pen.

After that we went out and had dinner at this place, and we even went to the movies and saw She's The Man, it was actually pretty funny, I mean it was funnier than I expected it to be, and I thought it was going to be pretty funny. But yeah, I know my overuse of simple non-descript terms is confusing. So I will cut the shit.

That was all on Friday, Saturday I went to my Aunt Bernice's birthday in Louisanna. It was okay, it took about four hours to get there from Houston, which means I was eight hours from San Antonio. I think I would have driven back the same day if it hadn't been so long of a trip.

While I was there I talked to Sandra, she was feeling prety bad about some stuff. I talked to her and was as truthful with her as I could be, I went through something very similar last year, maybe all of you who read this remember what I am talking about. The drive back from Louisanna was long and boring, I was glad to get home and hang out with PJ some. I also talked to Shirin on the phone about some stuff. That was all Saturday

The next day, which would be Sunday, I went and got a haircut and hung out with Sandra, we were supposed to just get lunch. But it ended up turning into an all day outing. It was the most fun I'd had in a while. After that I basically drove back here, back to a wet, rainy San Antonio. It even hailed.

I have other things to talk about here, but it'll have to wait until later.

Confusion and frustrated

You know I had such a nice talk with Neemo's girlfriend earlier, she's a really cool person and I really enjoy talking to her. But when I come home I feel like there's nothing here for me to do to have fun, that's why I went out, I need to be out of here. I can't stay pent up in this place like this for so long, nothing here entertains me anymore, the most fun I had all week was when I hung out with Rickey watching Scrubs. And I mean that was entertaining at best, I've spent this week bored as hell.

I feel like something is wrong, and I don't know what it is, I'm hurting and it really is starting to get to me, I don't know what it is anymore, I take my medicine and I try to do things good day by day, I even try and be good I try and do right when I can and I know that I don't always do what I am supposed to.

I'm depressed, I know it, I know I was diagnosed with it. But if I screw up this year the school won't give me another chance, if I could just be the person I was at the start of last year. If I could just make up all of the things that I have done wrong. What the hell am I supposed to be? Who the hell am I now and where is what used to make me who I was. I used to think of myself as a writer, now I don't know what to think, I feel like I can't write anymore, I feel like sometimes I might not even be cut out for any of the things I used to do.

I don't want to be this way, I don't even know who the hell I am!. I got a card from my mom in the mail, its this thing my mom does, she sends this little cards when they send me money, most of the time they are goofy. But I always read them, always. When I read the one that she sent me this time I just couldn't believe it. I felt bad just because I read it. Do you know what the card said?

I may not completely understasnd all you're going throguh, Justin, but I want you to know I do understand a little, and I care alot. Mom

She made the card herself on the computer, I can tell because she fucked up the linebreaks and no store bought card would have that. But I feel really bad. I feel like I have been going to thearpy and not doing a thing like I should. I feel like I have so much that I want out of life that I am scared to go after. There's a girl I can't get out of my mind right now, and I am so scared to even talk to her, there are friends I want to tell how much they mean to me and all I can think of is the things that have gone wrong in the past month, there are things I want to tell my parents and I can't, I just can't do it. I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to, I don't feel like I have anything except God and I don't know what to do with the little that I do have.

I want out of this life and out of all of this because this is so painful, I feel like I want to throw up and cry all at the same time. I can't keep this up, I can't keep living like this and I can't look at myself in the mirror anymore. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be like this.

Am I Fit?

Okay, what do you do when you realize something but you feel like you are powerless to do something about it. It's like for the first time I have gotten a chance to actually do something and really do it right and I feel like I am too weak to do a damn thing about it. I was watching Scrubs earlier today, it was the first season when Dr. Cox tells JD that everything they do at the hospital is just temporary, and that when it was all said and done their job was to stay sane enough to help the people that really would make it longer.

I feel like I have been so drained of energy that I can't do what needs to be done. It's scary, its hard, its dangerous and frankly to think that it will end up coming out right is just dumb.

Should things be this hard? I mean I have people I can talk to about this stuff, but somehow when its all said and done I just want something to change this time. I want things to be different. And yet, I can't help wonder will they?

Fuck This

I understand it now, I really do, I hate being here. I don't know how else I can describe it, its lonely, even lonelier than at home because I have to look at everyone else having fun, then I have to deal with getting let down every fucking time that I think that something is going to go right. I stayed here not because I wanted to but because I can't afford to drive back to Hosuton, hell I can't afford to drive around town. My parents saw to that when they neglected to send my money last week.

So now I'm stuck here and I could think of things I would like to do but I don't have the money to do any of them and I can think of places I'd rather be but fat chance of that happening either. The only fucking thing that I wanted to do, that I looked forward to was going to Louisanna this week and that was because Heather was going to come, but she backed out because of all this stuff and now I'll be stuck going somewhere that I hate with my dad whom I don't feel like spending over six hours in a car with.

I hate having to be stuck here bored all of the time, and the fact that no one ever wants to go do a damn thing when they are here or they create excuses why they can't. I want to wait for this person to get back, We need at least one more person to do that It's too late. Fuck this place, it's not like I had this much trouble finding things to do when I was back in Houston, at least between school and friends I had something to do most weekends. Now I'm lucky if I go two places a week.

I'm done fucking around with people and waiting on them to do things, I don't have them there when I need them and I can't even get people to go along anywhere with me. I've been blown off so many times in the last week that its not even funny. I hate being in town here, theres no one to do anything with and no one really here and when they are here they still don't want to do anything. Fuck this.

Break Update

I've taken to finding something to do, something that doesn't involve me playing video games all day long. I've also started thinking more and more about my predicament, the way things are now something has got to change. I'm just complaining about the way things are and I haven't even tried to think of something that I could do to change them. I need to start getting out more, I don't know where I will go out to, but I know that I need to be out of this place. I need to get to know new people, most of my time is spent right here or in class or the cafe, I never really go to any place where I am comfortable and I could meet people.

Somehow, I managed to write some today, something that I was impressed with too, it's just a little piece about Pellegri, the vampire I made up for the story. She's based on this girl from deviant art. So far the story is coming out really good.

Tomorrow my brother will be in town and I'll get to hang out with him and kids, so that should be fun. I also have some stuff to add on here about other things that have been going on.

This Week in the News

I don't know what I will be doing the rest of the week, as of tomorrow everyone will be gone. So what do I plan to do until Friday? I think that I will be writing and doing that sort of thing, maybe some drawing, that's something that we can count on. I might also get time to clear my head. Because that's something I really need to do.

Remember

I remember when I tried to help you do the things you used to love, the things you used to be so good. The things that you used to think you wanted to do for the rest of your life. The same things that made me noticed you, that made think of you the way I used to. Now I know the truth and somehow I feel like its partly my fault for not helping you get to your feet, and helping you have the strenght to walk on your own.

I want to move past this stage of life, I want to move past all of this and onto the next thing, but it scares me that when I get there I might not want to be there and I might want to move past. What if I keep this up until I've let life pass me by and haven't enjoyed a thing.

I just need time.

Too Much To Talk About

What to say about today, what to say about people? I am quickly learning that I can't be around people, I just don't like their two faced ways and the way that people whine so much and just come around to get in your face. The common nerd really pisses me off, the ones that you see discussing their favorite anime girl or some other shit like that. They talk so much crap whenever I see them even though half of them couldn't fight with a Junior High Student and hope to come out on top.

The shit that I have to put up with from these people makes me sick, and the worse are the kind that my friend knew from the fencing club last year, they would come around with their panties all in a bundle and try to pick a fight with every-fucking-body. I really think that its making me angry just talking about it.

There was a lot going on this weekend, the whole photo shoot thing and some moreo fthe birthday celebration stuff, I really wish I hadn't done that last thing because it just caused me to waste the remainder of my money. Ireally odn't have much to say about all that was going on this weekend but I had an interesting thing to say about a conversation that I had with a friend, in this case I won't name names. But she told methat what I should do is go out and have a fling with some girl, funny thing was that I refused right away and the only real reason I gave was because I don't even know how to go about that kind of thing, I don't even know where to find single girls.

Maybe that kind of thing has kept me from breaking some poor girls heart, when other guys want some kind of fling they just go out and get it, they know what to do, where to go and all of the right things to say. I've never been like that, I've never been smooth or able to talk to girls that well, I mean I freeze up around the girls that I know in my day to day life.

So it would be almost entirely impossible for me to do something like that, people always tell me that I need to go out and learn how to do this, as if its a skill that will do me or anyone else some good. And the thing is, in learning it I will end up getting hurt probably countless times, I really don't want to have to deal with that right now. I don't want to get hurt now because its happened enough this year for me.

Today I was in the cafe and I ran into this girl that I see there from time to time, she's an athlete pretty cool to talk to and all of that but I don't know her all that well. Heather invited her to come sit with her and that's how we met and all. Well I ran into her today and she offered to let me sit with her, I told her that was fine, I really didn't feel like being around people.

I sat down alone for a while and after about ten mintues I looked out the window and I saw someone pulling up that I did not want to sit with if they came in or be seen by while I was sitting alone. So I swallowed the nervousiness and just sat with the other girl. I couldn't have stayed alone for long anyway and I was better off with her and her friends than to be with super bitch who was coming in.

I really need to get to sleep though, there is a lot to do tomorrow.

Photo Shoot

I finally got to get out and take some decent pictures yesterday, most of them can be found over at deviant art, but here are some samples.

All and all they turned out great, I will post a regular entry tomorrow, I just wanted to get something up here for the day!

Nani wo mitsumeteirun darou?

I don't know, I think that today was a good day, considering that it is my birthday, and I can overlook the past year's failures for the most part, it bothers me sometimes how things have gone, it bothers me how life progresses and the people that we lose or simply lose track of along the way.

I sit here trying to decide, is this something I should continue, the way things have been going for the last long bit of time cause me to wonder is it time for a change, I don't know what to change, but I need to do something. I need to get out and try and have something for myself and I need to break away from this place.

I heard that a friend I cared a lot about is leaving this place, and it made me sad, I liked her a lot, she was like someone I went to for advice and I knew she wasn't having much fun here, but I never expected her to leave. Now I feel like there's just one more person that I can't go to. It makes me think and it makes me wonder about so much.

Time is rushing all of us making our actions speed up. Even if we are awaken while we dream we were searching for the same light.
Underneath the glittering stary night with the countless constilletions and shadows, before all that what are you gazing at?

I hope that I hope that someday we catch up with fate, its funny, Kristina, told me something about God having a plan and for the first time ever I understood just what that meant. It's odd how you can hear something most of your life and it means nothing and then one day someone says the same damn thing and there it is, it suddenly hits you.

What's in the plan for me? I don't know yet, but Even though I'm getting scared and distanced I'll continue towards the painted future...

I don't know, I think that today was a good day, considering that it is my birthday, and I can overlook the past year's failures for the most part, it bothers me sometimes how things have gone, it bothers me how life progresses and the people that we lose or simply lose track of along the way.

I sit here trying to decide, is this something I should continue, the way things have been going for the last long bit of time cause me to wonder is it time for a change, I don't know what to change, but I need to do something. I need to get out and try and have something for myself and I need to break away from this place.

I heard that a friend I cared a lot about is leaving this place, and it made me sad, I liked her a lot, she was like someone I went to for advice and I knew she wasn't having much fun here, but I never expected her to leave. Now I feel like there's just one more person that I can't go to. It makes me think and it makes me wonder about so much.

Time is rushing all of us making our actions speed up. Even if we are awaken while we dream we were searching for the same light.
Underneath the glittering stary night with the countless constilletions and shadows, before all that what are you gazing at?

I hope that I hope that someday we catch up with fate, its funny, Kristina, told me something about God having a plan and for the first time ever I understood just what that meant. It's odd how you can hear something most of your life and it means nothing and then one day someone says the same damn thing and there it is, it suddenly hits you.

What's in the plan for me? I don't know yet, but Even though I'm getting scared and distanced I'll continue towards the painted future...

Nani wo mitsumeteirun darou?