The Last Curtain Call

After today I can forget this past month and write it off as just one of those times when everything seems to be wrong. Nothing can explain what was going on throughout the month of February and I doubt anything really can. Maybe there was just a lot of things going on for so many different people and with the weather way it was, overcast and dreary, people just had an excuse to be a little upset.

I don’t think I’ve ever had an enjoyable February. I guess that’s because there’s really nothing going on in there that’s fun or cool to me. I don’t really like Valentines Day, in fact I think its one of the worst holidays right up there next to Thanksgiving. But that might have something to do with my normal state of affairs around that time of year. All I really know is that I just don’t like how this month seems to go. There are some good times spread out over it all, but for the most part, its just bad.

Now, I don’t like to dwell on things like that too long, so I’ll have to move on. I’ve noticed something about myself lately and I don’t know if it’s a conscious effort on my part, or just something that happened, but I seem to be a lot nicer than I was last semester.

I’m not sure what brought about the change, there are a few running theories, one of them proposed by Nicole and the other by Rickey. And while they both could hold some water, the only one I want to validate is Nicole’s.

All and all, its apparent that I am nicer now than I was at the beginning of this semester and all of the last. Now I’ve made my peace with Lauren, Hannah, Shana and Eddie, because their not bad people. I mean, there’s flaws in us all.

But then there are those who try to exploit those flaws just for the sake of starting shit. The other night is a prime example. I basically got called on wanting to be the center of attention. Well anyone who knows me I hate any kind of attention being on me, well except one kind. But that’s a story for another day.

Last semester I wrote a post called The Greatest Show On Earth, the contents of which talked about how Rickey, Eddie and some of the others said that I had total control over what the conversation was doing at the dinner table. I denied this up and down, left and right, a, b and START. But in all truth, they are right. I used to be able to do that.

Now, I have to say that at the same time, I don’t like that kind of thing, so maybe that’s what has caused me to back up from that whole persona. I mean, I was pretty rude, and it did get a lot of reaction.

So maybe I naturally shied away from that. I mean I don’t want to be that guy, I want to be normal, liked, I want to just blend in and not have to worry about getting noticed too much.

So when someone who shall remain nameless calls me on wanting to be the center of attention and then pulls another little stunt to push my buttons I have to just try and cool myself down. After all, this is the new, improved nicer me. And lo and behold, I kept my cool, didn’t blow my top and barely even responded to it. Of course if I had responded I was sure to believe that it wouldn’t be nice and that it would probably hurt some feeling so I left it alone.

To tell the truth I was actually proud of myself for that, I didn’t have to curse someone out or even make a rude statement about them. All and all, a good thing.

I need to hit the Wal-Mart, my new HDD awaits!

The Last Couple Days...

I don't know what to call this entry because of the simple fact that nothing I really want to talk about has happened in the last two days. Right now I'm at Mandi's which explains the IP address change if there's anyway to tell where this was posted from.

I've been talking to Mandi a lot and I can say that its at least helped me to feel so much better. Right now she's on the phone talking with her brother. I think that after being around me she's starting to feel bad too, I know how that goes. It's been kind of hard to find something to do around here, no plans I make seem to go right.

I had the car yesterday and today, but I didn't really get to use it for anything. That fell through and all I have to look forward to is going home this weekend. Which is not much because I really don't like going home. But I do need a haircut and my niece and nephew are having a party this weekend.

Next week is still my birthday, so I need to see if I can get my parents to give me something early for that. Right now I guess I'm going to continue talking to Mandi until Rickey gets back and is ready to help me get the car back to my brother's. Things are going really hard for me now and I'm at least glad I have Rickey, Jamie, and Mandi to talk to. Well I better get going.

This Might Be My Shortest Post EVER!!!

If I had to type out all that happened last night in that one discussion, if I had to describe how much things have changed and how I feel about my whole situation I would take up at least ten pages just getting into it.

Now I realize I’ve been going about things the wrong way, I’ve been doing it the wrong way for too long, only my ideas and intentions were right. When did I come to the realization? Somewhere between 2:30 AM and 5:00 AM this morning. What triggered it? So much, the conversation I had with Rickey was the final catalyst and now I know what I have to do.

It doesn’t matter if she reciprocates it, it doesn’t matter if she never really understands it at all. All that she has to know is that she’s good enough, that she’s worth more than anything and that she’s capable of being loved.

Remember the whole Faulty Souls thing? Well I was only half right, our souls are made with a hole in them. But there is a way to fill them, its just by bonding with someone in a way that goes far beyond anything else. You have to care for someone and be there for the ones around you even when it hurts like hell. Now I understand…

The Time Between

Today is shaping up to be alright in my eyes, we’ve all had a pretty rough weekend from what I’ve been hearing. I think that the most uplifting thing I can think to say is that there’s a different feeling in the air today, we’re all ready for a change, for spring and the warm weather, for new friends and just something other than the same old shit.

I am feeling the pressure to work harder, I’m going to go to Art History in a little while and try my best to stay awake, it’ll be hard but I must try…

Last night I spent most of my time over at Mandi’s talking with her and hanging out, I realize sometimes just why I like her so much, she’s got to be one of the sweetest girls I know. And like I’ve said before, confident enough without being big headed. It’s nice to meet people like that, funny thing how I know so many girls like that. Not the case with men, they thrive on being over confident assholes who think with the little head more than the big one…go figure.

Let’s just say I’m glad I’m not a girl just for the simple fact I don’t have to really deal with them. I feel the urge to crank out another comic, its burning inside of me and I know that if I can just get a good idea, sit down somewhere and draw that shit out that it’ll be grand.

But what do you pick, the last few weeks here haven’t really been a laughing matter. I mean, there’s so much drama going on around here I think I should put my friends up to get their own angsty teen drama on the WB, we’ll squeeze it in right after Everwood maybe it could replace that bullshit Jack and Bobby show.

Suffice to say, any laughs I come up with will have to be forced. As for the whole comic book thing I want to do, that’ll have to wait until I get enough time to really work at it. Right now I need to devout a lot more of my time to school work and less to other stuff. I need to get a car next semester so I can get a job, and over the summer I have a lot of work to do for next year. I want to be ready when I get back here, I want to surprise everyone with something. I hope I get the chance.

My brother called me yesterday morning and woke me up and talked to him for a while, it was nice to just hear from him. I guess waiting around and then talking to someone makes it that much more fun and special. It’s nice to know that, because there are some friends I haven’t talked to very much in the last week or so. Maybe the same will ring true for them. Well I have to head out of here. I have stuff to take care of before class.

Headlong

Things around here have fallen back into place it seems, for the time being, last night I went out and saw the movie Constantine, and hardly any of us could really go see the movie. It was just me, Rickey, and Jennifer. Which kind of sucked, I’m tired of this “go nowhere, do nothing attitude” that the others are having. I understand the reasoning that Mandi had for not going.

But most of the time I think that there is this need for like half of my friends to sit in their rooms and just be lonely and sad. I do admit I feel lonely 90% of the time, I’m even sad sometimes, I mean there’s things I think about that just make me feel kind of bad and I don’t like to be out and doing things all of the time. Hell I’m in my room right now alone with nothing more than this PC and my TV. But if someone wants me to come over then I probably will.

This weekend the campus is empty, as of yesterday, Desiree, Brandon, Hannah, Lauren, Kristen, Katherine and Alicia were out of town. I don’t spend much time with half of them but things have been kind of boring. I borrowed Eddies Seinfeld collection and have been watching it a lot. I notice now that this show has a lot of very true social commentary in it. In the episode I’m watching right now Jerry talks about how when you go out to eat and you are hungry money is no object.

My favorite quote from his little rant (because that’s what it is) is “More drinks! Appetizers quickly, quickly, it will be the greatest meal of our lives.” I think that this sums it all up pretty good. I mean you just don’t seem to think that all of the prices will add up or something.

I spent most of yesterday with Rickey and Jamie. They seem to be the most fun people around this weekend, everyone else is being boring as watching a pile of shit gather maggots.

I’ve also been thinking about Nicole’s birthday, she seemed pretty against them keeping her away from her place. I think if they wanted to surprise her they should have used my place, beautiful 8.106. And second of all, I would have acted the same way. I hate having surprises thrown for me and even though it would show how much my friends care. I think that it kind of seems odd. I have this weird thing about not being center of attention. I hate attention and if there’s anyone thing I want for my birthday its something I’ll probably never get from a person who already knows what it is.

I have some high hopes for this upcoming week, I hope that things go better than the last. After all that’s why I think God gives us time, because we never get things all the way right and we have more chances to do it next time around. Its like he wants us to do better.

Guess we’ll just have to dive headlong into next week.

Delicate Balance

I would like to say that I feel like things are going right around here, in my mind and stuff I think that its safe to say that things come around and balance themselves out, the nicest of us can get fed up and the one who seem to be the meanest can become so nice that its scary.

In the last two days I think I’ve grown closer to Jamie, Mandi and Rickey than I was before because there’s been a lot of good conversation. So is there a problem? Not really, I just think that I’m starting to find out who I can really count on to do stuff for me in a pinch and who I can count out.

The people who are the most important to me seem to be the ones who I can have long winded conversations about and leave just feeling like I suddenly understand them more. Not that I just know them more, but I can see reasons behind some of the things they do.

After talking to Mandi for the last little bit of time I think that I’ve finally filled in some of the holes about things in her life. She seemed to me just like a regular person, and like Rickey was saying, she seemed more two dimensional. But we all know that’s never true. Mandi is just like anyone else, she has more sides to her.

She’s more confident than she lets on, she knows what she does and doesn’t want, she’s funny without having to try and she’s just entertaining. Jamie is really interesting too in that she’s just a really sweet person and doesn’t deserve half the shit that life gives her to deal with. I wish there were something I knew how to do to help her out and make her feel better, but there’s nothing I can think of.

For some reason this week I am starting to miss Allison more than ever. I had a dream that I went to see her the other night and I just thought about how sad it made me when I woke up. I laid in bed for like and hour thinking about all of the fun Alli and I used to have. Even though I knew her less time than most of the people here, and that she and I didn’t even hang out much towards the end of the semester it felt like a part of me was missing. Kind of like losing a sister. Allison was important to me.

With Allison being missed so much there was a glimmer of hope, I met a new friend, Kristen. She is actually someone who knew Allison, she lives across the complex from me and she and I are actually partnered up together. In a way she kind of reminds me of Allison, the really pretty girl who never heard it for whatever reason, she’s from Sugarland which is near me and she’s generally fun to be around.

While I was talking to Mandi I sat and watched her write in her journal. I just wish that she had one on here that I had easier access to so I could read her’s and trade back and forth with her. I would really like to see what she thinks about what is going on in her day to day life because Mandi and I seem to be having more and more fun. Although she still thinks I’m mad when I’m not.

I never got that, I don’t know what it is that makes her think that but maybe she’ll see. Desiree left town today and I already miss hanging out with her, she and I didn’t get to do much this week but maybe next week, I hope, if things work out. I don’t want to end up losing her as a friend because of the fact we’re both in and out all of the time. That would be terrible.

Well I better get off of this damn thing, I have to get in the shower and get to bed before long so that I don’t end up missing taking Jamie where she needs to go tomorrow. Sorry about the updates or the lack there of, as if anyone reads this. It’s just hard to sum things that are going on in the real world up and put them into writing on the digital web.

Are You Livin’ In The Real World

Crawling in the Dark

I’d have to say that my knowledge of programming is limited at best, its based on the fact that I really don’t know too much about the subject that I can’t use it as a really healthy example, I just have to say what I think goes on. When someone writes a program, if there are pieces of the code that do not work, that cause nothing and help nothing, wouldn’t they usually delete these pieces of code?

Well in the same way, what if other things that were decided to be unneeded were deleted too. I think that this is something interesting that we never thing about because naturally there isn’t much reason for the things that we do if you really think back on it. Look at the system of numbers that we use, there are ten numbers we have, 0, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9. These numbers are used to make other numbers of higher value, so even though one is lower than two, a one with a zero behind it is higher than two, now those two numbers combined don’t even equal two, and neither of them is higher, but when paired they are higher.

In the same way you have to think about the fact that numbers are infinite, there’s no set of them, 283,458,949,573,145,284,392,487,352,958,053 is a number even though I don’t know how the hell I would start to say it. But how come one had to be one, and two had to be two. Why is every symbol after 9 a variation of the others? Why couldn’t the symbol for ten be Π instead of the one and zero. Better yet what if at one time it was and that was just erased, would we ever know, would we know that it took place?

There are twenty-six letters in the English alphabet, now what if at one time there had been thirty? That’s just four extra letters, if they were erased and gone for good we might never know.

I bring this up, not because its plausible because it really isn’t, but because what if one day it is. I saw a report on the TV tonight about censorship of blogs and web journals. In my mind I think that this is a bad thing. Electronic censorship is something that could turn into the big brother type thing that so many were scared of after reading 1984.

What if entire pieces of commentary are dropped from the internet because of the fact they are seen as pointless? Who’s to say what is pointless and what’s not? Billions of opinions float around out there, but few of them have barring on the rest of the world.

Even so, should we do away with the one that are not seen as good enough to exist. Has the information age see us “Drowning in a Sea of Commentary”? These ideas are expressed in the videogame Metal Gear Solid 2, and even though a lot of people didn’t like it because of the amount of talking and story in it, I think its worth it to play just because of these simple things that happened.

What if they start to erase whole people, I mean if the records aren't hard copies anymore, but if they are all computer data? If they decided, somehow, that a person wasn't important enough to let them exist because they didn't do anything and there was no room for them in the systme. They could then just erase all records of someone and they would potentially never have existed as far as the system went. How would you feel about being erased, never having existed except for in the memories of others. Who's to say that with the right technology they couldn't erase memories too?

There you would be, a being without existence, belonging nowhere, physically alive, but dead to the world because as far as the system went, you never existed. This is an extreme case of censorship...

I think that in some cases censorship is important, but in others its nothing but a tool to try and gain control. In age like the one we live in where information is so readily available and so much of this information is out there, it could be easy to feel overwhelmed by it all. But just like a friend said today in class, “I don’t know what people did before the internet…”

I can tell you what they did, they lived in the dark, they lived in fear of not what was coming or where it was coming from, but they lived in the fear that comes with not knowing.

Things Are Looking Up

Well it has come around to that most dreaded of all holidays again, and what more is there to say than it seems like this year almost everyone I know will be alone on Valentines Day. It really is a terrible day and I think that all it does is make people shell out money and make others just feel lonely.

As for me, I’ve had my share of lonely for a lifetime; I think loneliness is one of the worst feelings in the entire human spectrum of feeling. Its near that bottom rung of the ladder. I have had a good day so far, I got my money, went to the store and got some things for Mandi, and I also got a new movie, ‘The Forgotten’ it’s got the gorgeous Julianne Moore.

Who could resist that, and its got a pretty solid plot, I won’t give anything away for the sake of those who haven’t seen it, but I’d have to say that out of the movies I’ve seen in recent memory its one of the better ones. I mean it was better than The Darkness and White Noise (even though I would consider White Noise alright).

I have to really sleep on it to know how much liked a movie, but I’m pretty sure this one is good enough to say that I’m glad I saw it. But, this Friday is what I’ve been waiting for since I saw the preview, it could be cool or it could blow, but I still want to see Constantine. I just love anything with religious undertones.

As for other things that happened today, I hung out with Mandi and a little with Rickey and Brenton, although it wasn’t for that long of a time. I feel like every time I go over there no one wants to do anything, they just want to sit back and do nothing. But then when I’m not there I hear how they watched some monumental film or something. It feels like I’m left out, even though I am finding other things to do.

Today, for the first time I contacted someone that I met on thefacebook.com, her name is Katherine. The conversation went pretty good, I felt really comfortable talking with her, it was a good feeling and the nervousness wasn’t there, which is good. I wonder what she thinks of me?

Who knows what they think?

I still don’t understand women and I never will, but I have to hit the dusty trail (wtf did I type that for?)

How do you measure the bond between two people, do you put a price on it like Valentines day or do you say that it just is?

Random Thoughts....3

I'm starting to think that the only reason people have raves is not because of all the drugs, if they wanted to drugs they could do them right out in public. But the real reason behind the rave is because those people are udnerground techno lovers, no one wants to be caught liking techno...

This Desk is my confessional...

It looks like I’m starting to bounce back from whatever caused me to be really upset like I was, I just wish I knew what it was that made me act the way I acted. I had a lot of apologizing to do, some of it to my friends and some of it to myself for being as stupid as I was. I should know better than to try and do things on my own all of the time.

I guess since there wasn’t anyone worrying about me in high school I got accustomed to it and that’s just how I’ve been since then.

So I did what had to be done today, I went to class, I took care of the tuition and tomorrow I have to make sure to get up and go to Freshman comp. I can’t afford to miss that class since I came into it late. I really do kind of enjoy the thing.

Today was almost as uneventful as could be until tonight when I talked with Desiree and apologized to her for being an utter ass to her and not accepting her kindness. There’s only a few absolutes in the world and one of them is that either Desiree or Rickey will be right at any given point in time. It seems to ring true.

They both told me something and I didn’t listen. Hmm, so what else happened today, well I realized that I needed to stay out of Mandi’s Valentines candy, I’m tempted to gobble it all down. I love reeses peanut butter cups.

Well I’m ready to try and act at least semi-normal, I hope I can pull it off. I just realized that in less than a month I will be 19, the other day when I was talking to Jamie I told her that if my friends were to throw a non-surprise party it might be alright. So I’ll see what they try to pull.

We just don’t need this turning into last semester with the row of surprise parties. Well I better get out of here…

See You, Sometime, Somewhere…

Reassured

Yesterday was blah, there's nothing much to talk about here.

The highlight of my day was sitting and talking with Jamie, she and I had a good conversation and I'm glad I had the privilege to meet her, its always good to meet new people. Her birthday was yesterday and I got a card for her to take over there.

I also met her boyfriend for the first time, he seems pretty cool, he was playing videogames when I got there, in my book that's already pretty cool.

I was pretty afraid that I would forget it was Ash Wednesday and eat some meat, I nearly did but I stopped myself. That's really good to know, its nice to know I'm actually trying at something now. It would appear that my tuition finally got paid in the right way and I'm back to doing my regular things. It's good to be legit, so now I can go back to my regular thing. Only being nicer in the process.

Something changed after last night, I feel slightly better, maybe its just because I know I have some friends here and its a really good feeling to know someone's there for me like I'm there for them. Hmm, I guess this would be as good a place as any to end this crap... but

Do You Have a Comrade?

Random Thoughts....2

I'm starting to think that there are more religious people around this school than I first thought, because I've seen a alot of peole with the ashes on their foreheads. Its funny to think that alot of the people I see every day are pretty religious and I just don't know it. I'm easily surprised by those kinds of things.

I'm also thinking that these random thoughts things are a really good idea. As random as I am, there should be enough there to fill that. I mean yeah, I'm random as all hell.

Wait And Pray

This is a song I wrote back when I wanted to start a band, that means around sometime in middle of Sophmore year. You can see how terrible it was, boy was I stupid.

I’m out of ideas
Can’t you see
The way I am
Not that normal
I’m going outta my mind
Lost out too much
I want you so bad
And this is what makes me sad

Think back to the day we met
I will never forget
The way you smile
Your golden hair
And pale blue eyes
Can we just relax alone for a while

I’m praying for the day
Wait my whole life away
I wonder if you know—
The words I could never say
I’d give everything away
To be with you—

Oh

Wait my days away
I’ll pray that you’ll come my way
Oh
I’ll spend the best days of my life with you
Now
I can’t say how or why
I know this is the last time
Wait and Pray

The First Day of Lent

Today was slower than yesterday, while I do have to admit that I did have some fun in my politics and media class, many of the things I talked about on the phone last night were still there in my mind. I ignored them and I tried to start moving on, for the sake of my friends because I hate to seem them worry about me.

Eddie and Rickey were at a concert for most of the day so the rest of us were left to find ways to entertain ourselves. After class I walked back with Hannah and Lauren and we deiced that we’d all meet up again at dinner. Dinner came and went after another afternoon of me sitting around aimlessly twiddling my thumbs. I felt like I could be writing or doing something.

After dinner I went to see Mandi and I hung out there for a while, there’s something that makes me feel better about hanging around Mandi, its kind of the same feeling I get from hanging around with some of my other friends, their just the people who make you want to smile and you know that no matter what you can pull through whatever it is because you have to make it.

I sat and talked with Mandi and her roommate Elizabeth for a while ( I just realized something, this journal gets more and more like a story with characters and the like). Sometimes its really hard for me to tell when Mandi is joking or when she’s being serious. I don’t know if she can really look angry at all because from what I see all of her faces have a way of being kind of cute.

You know that thing some guys pull where they tell a girl she’s cute when she’s mad? Well some of them actually get more pissed about it, so I learned never to actually voice the opinion of how they look when they get mad. Some girls can look really fierce, I’m thinking of a really good one in particular, Alania.

She could scare the hell out of you when she got mad I heard, and I just heard tales, never actually witnessed the hellish anger rumored to be there. I really do miss her though, she was probably one of the prettiest and sweetest people I will ever know.

Speaking of people from my school I had a short conversation with Amanda tonight, thank God for the internet so we can keep in touch with people like that!

For those of you who don’t know about this, today is Ash Wednesday, it’s a holiday where you have ashes put on your forehead and it commemorates the beginning of Lent which is supposed to signify the 40 days that Jesus spent in the desert. Many people give up something for lent, but the trick to it is in those 40 days, the Sunday’s don’t count. So you have free reign on those.

I’m not going to have meat on any of the Friday’s of Lent, and I start off like that too, which means I had my last meat yesterday. This shouldn’t be too hard since the UC meat taste like crap. I have to go though, today is also Jamie’s birthday, and I need to go out and get her something. So that has to happen sometime today because I haven’t had a ride at any other time. Guess I better get cracking!

To break back into an old tradition that I had on my old Live Journal….

You’re Gonna Carry That Weight

Something of Value II

Today is one of those days that you really don’t to be what you expect it to be, it’s the kind of day that if you were to go back and write a book about you’re life you would need to include a lot of details about it.

This was probably a turning point for me, it was probably something that I should remember for a long time to come, so I don’t just slip back into old ways. That’s just what makes a day like today so special, there’s so many things occurring at once and without you knowing it you really make a breakthrough.

Has anyone ever got one of those bullshit emails that talks about how there’s like five people in the world that really care about you and dismissed it as just that, a crock of bullshit?

Well I found out that I really do have friends that care, and it made me feel a little better, even if it did make me worry that they were worried over me so much. But you know what, I’m getting so ahead of myself—let me go back to where this all started and try to keep it short before I go off on some outlandish tangent that makes absolutely no sense.

I woke up later than I had wanted to, I rolled out of the bed and headed to English, I basically spent the rest of the day stumbling through classes. The world seemed to pass by at a million miles per hour, and I seemed to miss it all. I don’t know why, I guess in my mind I’m so oblivious.

When I got to the dorm I spent the afternoon sitting in my chair with Angel playing in the background as I set out on a quest to move all of the entries from my old live journal over to my blogger account. I was proud when I finally got it done, I felt like I had done something great, there’s a pretty detailed account of the last seven or eight months for me now. I wish I had something from June.

I realized reading those how long ago all of that stuff seems, its like an eternity, its so far past. And yet I remember some of them like it was yesterday. I look over the words and they feel so familiar and wonderful and for a second I thought back to times when I was happier and wondered what changed between then and now?

What happened to me to change my outlook on the world? In my mind the sky isn’t quite as blue, the world’s just a little darker and things just seem a little worse off. Then something incredible happened, this day turned into one of those days that seemed so much better. I went to dinner, but it was just me, Brandon, Debra, Lauren, Alicia and Hannah. We laughed and talked—just like we had in September, all of the drama from the end of last semester seemed lost, I even went back to their place and hung out for a few hours.

Then I left, I was headed home and caught Rickey outside, he invited me in and Nicole and Brenton were inside and after playing around with Nerf guns a bit; Rickey informed me that Desiree and Jamie had come by asking about if I was feeling alright. My first suspicion was that they read one of the entries in this piece of shit…

I was wrong, apparently I’ve been acting so differently, more quiet and easily annoyed or something. I called Desiree to ask her about it, just like I told her that I would when anything came up. And she and I talked about it a bit. She called me back again later and we talked some more.

To tell the truth, I can’t really retell all of the details of the second conversation, there was a lot of us repeating ourselves and it seemed like I said the same phrases over and over. I hate to have people worry about me, of course then she pointed out how much I worry over her and some of my other friends, which I couldn’t deny because then I would just be lying, another thing I promised myself I would never do to her.

Then I did something I haven’t done in a while, I sat there and I told her that as long as she was happy I would be fine and that she should just make herself happy. Because that’s all that really matters. That’s how I feel really, I just like seeing her smile because that means a lot to me.

Needless to say, I was still at Rickey’s and I had to go in his room to talk to her. Probably the first time I had ever done that over there. I didn’t want any distractions and I didn’t want her to think I was not paying her attention. She had scared me with the first call by saying what she had to say could be taken the wrong way and could be a bad thing. It wasn’t bad at all, it was good if it was anything.

We were truthful with each other and I like the truth, I like knowing the truth and I like learning about her. I would also like to think we know where we both stand a little better, she knows I care about her now and I know she cares about me. But I did tell her that I like to figure things out alone, I like to work out things on my own. I don’t like too much outside help and that if I really have a problem I can’t handle, I will come to her or Rickey.

I trust her enough to tell her almost anything that I would tell anyone else, I say almost because there are some things pertaining to her (nothing bad) that I just don’t feel comfortable telling her. I’m not the most comfortable person in the world, so sue me. I’m getting better, I’m trying—I’m working on not being a pansy and having the courage to face up to everything while also keeping someone who’s a really good friend.

I was kind of upset that she and Jamie were so worried about me, but then I was proud to have found friends like them, and the fact that they knew to go to Rickey to ask him if anything was wrong. That was smart, but its not like I thought they were dumb, their both really smart and clever girls, probably more so than yours truly.

I feel bad for putting Des through this hell, like I’m actually doing more hurt than good by being around her. Sometimes I think she’d be better off if she didn’t have to put up with my shit. But then again, she must like having me around and she cares for me and her other friends, just like I care for my friends, which is something that’s hard to find in this world—and just like she said, we could all use someone to care for us from time to time.

Remember a few months back I wrote about something of value? Well I found it in the friends I have here.

Super Sunday

Did you guys miss the angry version of me? Well I’m sure I can muster up some for the likes of today’s post, even though today was one of the best days I’ve had in a while. Despite the fact that I have been generally nicer this week, people seem to take it as an open invite to mess with me? Don’t ask me why.

I am going to keep on being nice, that’s just my new way I guess. Not that I really mind this stuff right now. What’s really been on my mind is the fact that earlier tonight the abomination that was the Super Bowl came on.

In all its pointlessness, it probably stole the thunder of just about every other show that came on tonight, which is sad considering it was probably infinitely worse than half of them.

People flock to the Super Bowl and most of the time its all because of the commercials. Sad part is, what I saw of them today while I was sitting in the UC were not all that great. Desiree told me that there were some really good ones that were too controversial that got pulled, one of them had to do with the Janet Jackson incident.

I never did get what made that so bad, it was just a nipple—we all have them.

At least this day wasn’t a total waste, I was able to almost completely avoid having to hear about the Super Bowl and I got to finally watch Shaun of the Dead with Mandi. After that was over I went to Desiree’s and just sat with her and talked.

Other than that, the day was pretty uneventful.

What Friends Are For...

I don’t know what I’m going to do now, today seems almost like a waste, I sat around a lot. I just generally didn’t do anything, and I finally got out tonight to go to dinner and then I went to see Mandi. I really enjoy hanging out with Mandi, it’s refreshing to be around someone who is so cheerful, even when it seems she might not be happy. It makes me smile some.

Mandi has been a good friend and if she ever reads this, I want to thank her for that. Tonight we sat and talked and she really listened to me, I had a lot to say and she just sat and listened. I guess that’s why I’m so surprised by friends I have that are like Mandi, Desiree and Rickey, because they listen so well.

I really haven’t mentioned the last post to many people, it was depressing I know, but I haven’t been truthful about how I feel. Sometimes it seems to me like things aren’t even going right in other people’s hearts and minds, its like no matter how happy they think they are, they really aren’t truly happy.

I wonder if we even know what happy feels like sometimes, I mean I know I feel good sometimes, and sometimes I feel better than others. But how do we know this is what happy truly is, after all its just a word that we humans made up, but I think that there is something there that God meant for us to feel, something stronger than this, something even stronger than love.

Love can do a lot of things, people always say that it can move mountains, well we all know that’s not true—no one can just move mountains. But love can do a lot of things, love can do more than any other emotion, because it encompasses almost all emotions.

But what if happiness, true happiness is stronger than even love, what if true happiness can only be found by going through and above love? Isn’t that something worth striving for, even in a world that seems like it really might be Hell?

Needless to say, I’ve had too much time to myself, my brain has been running in overdrive for the past few days straight. I need to go to class Monday and just not think about any of this. I wonder if I should show this blog to Mandi, I showed it to Brandon, Rickey, Ruth and Desiree, I’d like my good friends to know what’s going on in my mind, I’d like them to see how I really think—I’d like them to know how I feel about them.

Alright, anyways I really want to get some stuff done in the normal tradition of the blog, but nothing happened today that really interested me. I talked to my parents some, I asked my dad to send me some more of the cards for me to take care of my school payment.

He and mom said that they would, I sure hope they hurry up and do it before my classes get dropped. I couldn’t stand to be away from this place, I like it here, even though I’ve had a lot of problems here.

The other day, it was brought to my attention that some of my friends might have been trying to avoid me, I really got all worried about it at first. They did things such as ignore me knocking on the door.

I realize now that I can’t do anything to make them like me, nor do I really want to. If they want to travel in a tight little group then I don’t really have any effect over it. I have enough problems without having to make more for myself by worrying over people who don’t like me.

That’s exactly what I learned when I was hanging around that Maddox Mania forum, those people really have no lives or realistic goals for the most parts. And all they really care about is bitching about stuff on the internet and making fun of others. They aren’t anyone I should be worried about so I don’t worry about them.

Besides I seem to be making new friends each day, I mean I can just think of how Alicia brought Debra around; Desiree brought Jamie and introduced her to us; and Mandi introduced me to her friends Jenny and Gabe. It all works out so that I meet new and exciting people, people that are actually willing to be my friends.

And while it may be true that our souls were made with an almost fatal flaw, that people can never really be as close to each other as they were meant to, we all still need to have friends. Friends are where our perception of us comes from, without friends who would there be to view you other than yourself? There’s a part of us that exists within everyone we know, that part is shaped by how they see us. How they see us and react in turn shapes how we act back and how we are perceived inside of ourselves.

So in reality, people are like mirrors, they show us for what we truly are through their reactions. How we act is usually just an outward expression of the inner-self, the prettiest people can act so ugly (and vice versa). We need friends to help us experience things and be there with us, so that when something shapes us it does so in a good way and its reflected off them and back onto us. That’s how this all has to play out.

Faulty Souls

I feel almost obligated to write in this thing, I feel like I have something to say, some kind of sin to confess. If asked whether or not I was a really good person right now I would have to say that I’m not.

I want to be better, I want to just be able to have someone ask me “What’s wrong,” and to be able to honestly answer, “Nothing” would be good. How do you get that life that I see some other people have?

How do we really get to be happy, is it all about finding that one special person that you can spend the rest of your life with and just working on making that whole thing work? Or is it kind of like Evangelion where no matter how close you get to someone there will never be a true bond with them until we’re all dead and gone to where ever we’re going to be?

Were we engineered like this, with some kind of hole in our souls to keep us longing for a closeness that can never be achieved here in life? Is this just a test to see who gets in and who’s out?

I can’t really say much, but I think I finally understand something, there’s a reason why people call this world Hell, its so lonely here. And all I can really think now is that anything must be better than this.

It makes me wonder is it this world, or are these souls faulty.