Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Goodnight

I'm sick again, I just woke up and its 4 AM, I don't know why I can't sleep right. Today has been full of ups and downs and it was a friends birthday, I only wish I could have sent her something or even been there for her. I feel like right now no one cares about anyone else, people forget a girl's bithday, a girl who by all means deserves far greater things, another friend is hurt and her friends blame her because she didn't want to be with a guy she didn't love. She's saving hherself and that guy heartache in the long run by breaking it off now, and when I left her this comment:



You might be right, you might just love him in a different way, there's really nothing wrong with that, you can't make yourself love someone, no matter how perfect they are being to you. Love has to just happen and when you love someone as a friend and they want more its hard to keep lying to yourself, you'll be around them and still feel like you shoudln't have crossed that barrier or maybe even like you're doing something wrong. And while its not wrong the feeling just lingers.



Now granted I don't know much about you or this guy, but I'm just trying to tell you what it could be. It could be something different, a chemical imbalance or something, or it could even stem from you thinking that you don't deserve something good like this. You even mentioned that you think you didn't.



Look don't worry about what others say, you do deserve all of this, you're such a great person and so nice and kind. Not to mention beautiful. You helped me out so much when I was feeling down and I'm thankful for it. Now you have to do what is right for you, ****.



Search really hard, if you believe that you don't love him the same way you have to tell him. Any true friend will understand. I know I've heard it from girls several times and I don't get mad at them or lose friends over it. But be careful don't let your doubts tell you that you don't deserve to love him, because you do.



I know all of this must be hard to sort out, I hope you're back to who you want to be soon. Even if you find out its not exactly the same as you were. It's was always fun talking to you on messenger. Even when you weren't having the best day I could somehow just tell you were smiling.



I just felt like she needed to know that others can't dictate her behavior, just like in Clerks they say that status does not dictate behavior. It's true, she shouldn't have to date this guy just because she and he look good together or any of that other high school drama bullshit.



I may be depressed still, but I know how to defend myself, I know how I can help some people out too. Other's well they can just go to Hell. I don't need to go into all of that. Have you ever had a dream and woke up not remembering it? Well I did and all I can remember is pain. Somethng bad is coming, I don't know why. I've never thought one of my dreams was real before. But this left me in so much pain I can feel it still, even awake. Only thing is what the hell was that dream?



I can't be sure, but I will say this, after an awkward thank you helping someone out, what would have been a bad day just got up a bit on the day-o-meter.



What's the worst that I could say? Things are better if I stay. So long and goodnight, so long and goodnight.

Monday, September 26, 2005

The Way We Were

I need to try to get back into using this thing, I've been so busy in my own thoughts and emotions that I really haven't had time to do anything else but think. I mean I do get a lot of drawing in, and I mean alot. It's practically all I have been doing. But I need to get back to how I used to be, I need to start writing again, I need to start going to bed and getting up on time. Today was one of those days where you just kind of did things because they were there to do.



I kind of wished that something would come along, that I would hear from someone maybe or that there would be some kind of real conflict. Life here has been boring and I'm tired of hearing the same old things over and over again. Really the highlight of my day was when Mandi returned my call and I got to talk to her.



She really is the only person that left here last year that I miss, she was like the only person I could go to for comfort after Allison left. Then Allison is leaving next year, which sucks because she really just got back and she is the last person I really trust around here.



I hope that I find someone else I can talk to and hang out with on that same level. Its hard to really take people seriously around here. People are so rude, so quick to forget things you've done for them and who you are. Talking to Mandi made me realize what I miss, having somewhere I could go and just sit and have someone to talk to. Someone that would talk about things going on with them and make me feel better no matter what. Allison kind of does that, but its hard to find her and she's hardly every home unless she's watching tv.



I think tomorrow unless its a very few certian people I will just not answer the phone. I really don't feel like dealing with others. It'd be best to just keep to myself and that's it. I'm starting to wonder if I am really meant to deal with people, I'm not good at it.

Sunday, September 25, 2005

Tired of This Shit

It's so hard dealing with people, everyone has this need to be untruthful, people are so cowardly. Rather than say, Hey I'm not interested in you, or You're just not my type They would rather make up stories or ignore you. I think its bullshit having to deal with people only to have them lie to you all of the time. It hurts more than not being able to find someone, not having them be truthful at all.



This is why no one trusts anyone anymore, this is why people can't get along, because everyone is afraid to confess to anything, everyone is afraid to say things like, I would just rather be alone right now. This girl approached me on campus about hanging out some time, suddenly she's not answering calls or IMs, and when she does she keeps telling me to meet her here and there at this time or that, but then she doesn't pick up the next day or show up.



It's like, fuck you, if you can't be counted on to pick up the phone or when I talk to you provide a better excuse than my phone was on vibrate, then you're not worth the time. You had to look at your phone sometime during the day, right? There's really just two girls here I'm even interested in, one of them's really artsy and she and I haven't talked much since she was home during the whole Rita bit.



She has an excuse, I talked to her today and yeah I understand that, although I think she's not interested, but I can't always tell. The girl who I talked about from the campus, I sent her a message on my space, she never answered and claimed that she uses face book more. So I used that to send the next one, and she never answered that either. I saw that she was online, IMed her, no reply. I don't know who people think they are that they can have you go somewhere to meet them and not show up.



If you don't want to meet someone be damn sure not to ask them to meet you somewhere, its not like I asked. I find myself wanting to be around more people, but scared to even approach them because I just see another oppurtunity to be let down. The only person that I really find myself looking foward to hang out with a lot is Allison and I really only see her a few times a week. I'd be content to sit in this room and just go to class, to not have to interact with others or deal with half of the people that I deal with on a daily basis. Okay well I wouldn't call it content, but I would call it okay. I want to be around other people, I really do but they don't seem to work as I'd like them to any of the time. I go out and I just see people hanging out together and I wonder how can I be happy like that?



Why can't I?



I know all of this might sound petty to you or it might sound like I'm being childish about this. Everyone's seen those little emails that get sent around about the kind of things that girls want, then you see the bullshit guys that girls are dating right. Don't send chain letters, especially if you don't believe in them. I'm tired of seeing that shit in my email box, let alone hearing girls talk about how they want all of that stuff when they date someone who is the exact opposite of what they want.



Men may be trash that talk about women in a bad way, but at least they don't cover it up with little emails, bullitens and chain letters about how looks don't matter, its about a good mind and kindness. Most guys know that's a lie, some of them will date total bitches if they have big breasts. I'm just tired of people in general. I'm going to go.

Friday, September 23, 2005

I can tell you guys really like that picture and all, I don't know why.



Well update, its category 3 now and my dad decided to go home and make sure the house was fine. If i had the gas I'd go back and check on him, but this city, even though we're 300 miles from real danger, is out of water, gas, milk and bread. So it sucks to be here. I went out with Allison to Starbucks today and she's really fed up with the storm, I think she's kind of right. People panic too easily, I mean we're in the damn desert and people here are rushing out and buying up food as if the powers going to go out, its a 30% chance of rain here for Christ's sake.



I feel bad for the people that stayed in New Orleans, they're back under the damn water again. Did anyone read the book Ground Zero, its an X-Files novel and there was something in there really cool. They dropped a nuclear bomb on the edge of the eye of a hurricane and it messed it up so bad. I'm sure that it would work in some way. We have roughly 30 thousand nukes in the world although its not safe to drop them. But something like enough regular bombs could offset it enough to mess it over. I don't mean every storm needs this, but the ones like category four and five could be stopped this way.



Oh, in other, news, not that it matters that much, I'm sick. I think I got it from my roommate. And it really sucks. I'm afraid to hang out with others because of it.



Well I better get off here, there's something going on outside, like 15 ambulances passed by on the freeway, need to go check it out!

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Rita...Oh Noes!

I did a search for Rita and this came up:





It's Rita, Oh noes!

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

Hurricane

I retract my statment about wanting to go see this storm, futhermore, I have to say Galveston is severly fucked.

Shimmer

She calls me from the cold just when I was low, feeling short of stable. All that she intends and all she keeps inside isn't on the label. She says she's ashamed can she take me for awhile, can I be a friend? We'll forget the past or maybe I'm not able. And I break at the bend. We're here and now, will ever be again? 'Cause I have found all that shimmers in this world is sure to fade away again.



Well I better say something about this, looks like Houston's about to get pummeled by a Hurricane, most likely going to be a category 3 by the time it gets there and while the city of Houston, my house included should be dandy through all of this, I know Galveston will probably not. They started manditory evac today at 6 AM.



I thought about going back there to see this, to see the storm, yeah I know it sounds dumb but its like I just want to see what everyone is so scared of. I am confident I can drive in the thing, I've driven in one before and did just fine. And while the car back then was bigger I should be able to do this with my car now. But don't worry I know better than to go back to Houston.



I talked to the girl I got to model for me, I'll explain that in a second, she lives in Angleton, which is about forty minutes from Galveston Island. She was so scared, I talked to her and calmed her down, told her I would call her to say I told you so. I mean most of the time when these things come in the fun head first into New Orleans, because that's just Hurrican behavior. I think it would be better if the damn thing just sat at sea and spun itself to death.



But all we can do is pray and wait, you know, wait and pray. Things will turn out for the best in the end. Allison asked me if its the end of the world, I told her not just yet, there's still too much shit to do. Plus the last time Houston got its ass kicked by a storm we had a two hour warning this time we have a while, we'll be ready.



Now about this model, I asked Elaine, a friend of mine of myspace to model for me, she's unbeliveable gorgeous and even sweeter. She was one of the first people I met when I got on myspace and she is probably the best looking girl that has been on my list ever. I talked to her about it some, she was like You're going to make me famous huh? I really hope so, cause that would mean I was famous too. I must be a good photographer, but really it comes just as natural as writing to me. I can't wait to try out some stuff now that I have my own model. I see so many nice pictures on deviant art that people take of their models, a lot of them are nudes, I'm not doing that, but these will be equally as nice!

Monday, September 19, 2005

The gulf between male and female is deeper than the biggest ocean

The gulf between male and female is deeper than the biggest ocean.



Something I read today let me know, let me understand that I will never truly understand women, I will never be able to figure them out. I will never be closer to understand them than I am right now, but I don't have to understand to love someone and yes I still believe in love. Any dumb thing I might have said during all of these last few months about not being sure, something showed me its still out there.



I can't say just what, but I can say that I do believe, and I'm stronger for what happened this summer, sure its not all over, this is the begining. It's just like it says above, deeper than the biggest oceans, we've never even explored the deepest ocean here. And the thing is, how can you understand women, how can they understand men, when neither of us understands ourselves?



I once told someone very important to me, Men are easy, women are the ones who are hard. I was so wrong and I apologize, men are not easy, no people are easy or simple to figure out. Even the most shallow person on the surface is a deep multilayered being. And now I see how wrong I can be. I see how much I can read into something.



I learned so much over the summer, I learned people actually will be interested in things I do if I take time to at least talk about myself, I learned some other things too that I'm too tired to list out. I just know that I have hope that in the end things will work out for the best.



But now I had some things to talk about, I've started a new story with made up characters...it's going to be the shit. I just wanted to say that. I don't know why, no one on here reads my stories anyway, I never give them out. But I do have this to say, I've been drawing my ass off and the story came from one of the idea I had when I was drawing.



Last week was a blur, Allison's birthday has come and gone, CJ and I hung out alot, and I did something I have not done in a long time, I played a videogame all the way through. When it was done I was like, what the fuck, I actually did that. It reminded me of Junior High. I miss those times, I think that was the last time I was mostly happy for any amount of time longer than a month.



Oh and they booted my car, it is so bad ass...not really. It's going to be 345$ to pay the tickets, 75 for the boot removal and 108 for the permit. I was like this is fucking ridculous, why don't they include the parking permit in the fee for tuition. I know, not everyone has a car, but they include the gymn fees and less people go to the gym then have a car. Oh well, I'll pay it tomorrow.



I need to go now, have drawings I promised people.

Sunday, September 18, 2005

A Brand New Day (Nothing New)

There's nothing new going on here really, I just stayed up all night and I am about to hit the sack for a little nap so that I can grab a bite to eat later before the on campus cafe closes.



I just watching Advent Children, that's why I'm up, I had to insert the subtitles myself and it took me a while to figure it out, but my overwhelming want to see that movie won out and it was worth every second of it. Watching it I learned something, or realized something I hadn't before.



We all spend so much time trying to live up to something, something that we don't even want half of the time. We do something because our parents want us to, our girlfriends and boyfriends want us to, but how often do you really do something without any stigma attached? How often do you do something for yourself?



The main character in the movie fought for a person he loved that had died, when it came time to fight again he had lost most of the drive to do anything. Aren't we like that when we don't fight for ourselves, when we don't know what we even want. If fighting for someone else makes you happy, then do it, but you don't always have to live up to someone to be happy. Great people fall because they do something great and spend their entire lives trying to live up to that thing and top it.



I said something earlier that I might need to repeat, most masterpieces are not forced. They're not bound by just what the creator wanted everyone to think and see as the masterful part of it, they're great and timeless because people of all walks and life throughout all time can see something there.



I don't really know why I'm writing all of this, I don't think there's anyone to read this anymore, I guess the only reason is because I'm still here. A few days ago I was ready to either start a new blog and close this one down, or just stop with the blogging completely. A lot of things have happened in the year this blog has been up, but I think that the good things written about in here need to be remembered and the bad things need to serve as a lesson. So this blog stays up and this blog will continue to exist until I get married, at which time I'll start a new one. I will keep this thing running because it's a document of me as an adult for the first few years. Out here alone, and I'm starting to see just how alone sometimes.



Well, I'm dog tired, I deserve a napper. I have so much to tell you all about this week, but it'll have to wait for another day, which thankfully will come for this blog.



UPDATE: It pains me to say, but Autumn and I seem to have come to the same Y in the road and she choose the other path, she's decided to stop doing her blog September's Girl. All I have to say is she will be missed and although I know I can talk to her online, it won't be the same as seeing that page I've come to love over the last few months. I guess out of the group we started with, just me, Amanda and Twinks are left. And I still have Emily and Candice around. Man, everyone's leaving... makes me wonder about the day I write my farewell message...



My links will remain unchanged as a tribute to what there once was...

Friday, September 16, 2005

Dropping By

Haven't written in this in a while. But I just like to touch bases and stuff, you know. I'm glad to hear that Twinks is better first off, and to see Amanda back and writing again. There's not much going on with me, although I did meet a girl. Now she and I ate together like twice and she's pretty nice. We talked some on the internet today too, it really sucked though because I asked her to come to the movies with us and she had to decline because of homework.



We went and saw the Corpse Bride, Sneak Preview, go see that movie, it is bad ass! I think the most amazing thing is that it took ten years to make, holy hell. Tim Burton is a zany dude, he went off on that movie. Depp did a great job as always and there's nothing really disappointing about this. I liked it alot. I also saw the tailer for the fourth harry potter movie, I am no Harry Potter fan, but I have to go see this one. It looks so bad-ass. Well I think that's all I really have to say now, I've been drawing as usual, if anything extra special comes up I'll drop you guys a link.

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Pray

I don't have much to say today, but I'd just like everyone to pray for Juliet and Twinks right now, Juliet is going through some hard times and Twinks is sick and she doesn't know why. I hope that they both get better soon, I don't know what else to say, I've got nothing, so I'll just go.

Monday, September 12, 2005

No Answer

It's been almost a month now, and I don't know what to say, I don't have an answer and its been bothering me in the back of my mind, why won't she talk to me? Does she even read this thing anymore? Does she even care? She seemed to care so much before. And right now I'm not ready to trust anyone anymore. It's been an okay week, I've made new friends here and I've gotten a chance to hang out with someone I didn't see for so long, making up for lost time with Allison.



But always in the back of my mind, there's always the question why.



I don't want to get long winded tonight, I'm tired and I have class in the morning. So I better go.

Friday, September 09, 2005

My New Wife

I have someone here I would like everyone to meet:



  • img 1


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  • I found her at Your The Man Now Dawg.com, someone posted that she was the hottest girl ever, they weren't joking. She is very close to it. I wanted to cry when I saw. And look, she even has plaid on, perfect. Have I explained to everyone that I have this new found love for plaid. I don't know what it is about the fabric, but it makes everything better. I saw a girl in plaid stockings today and it was nice...



    But I degress. Tomorrow I will be playing taxi and driving my freshmen to the shitty capital of Texas, Austin. They want to go there for something, probably girl stuff. But I will go and just hope that I get back in time to see a movie with Allison tomorrow night. I really enjoy hanging out with her, it just makes me feel better after all that's happened.



    Sorry about the quickie today, but there's just not much to say. Oh, I have a new picture up at this addy, oh screw it, I'll just post it.



    Jamie

    This is a drawing of definitionofblonde, she comments here sometimes, she's such a cutie and a sweetheart. Thanks to her for being my little subject for this drawing!

    Thursday, September 08, 2005

    Shig


    DUE TO THE OVERWHELMING JEWING OF MY BANDWIDTH, SHIG HAD TO BE PLACED INSIDE OF A LINK, SORRY FOR THE INCONVIENCE.

    Ladies and Gentlemen...Shig

    Wednesday, September 07, 2005

    Days Like These

    Well this might be the first time in a while that I actually write something substantial in this damn thing, I'd like to for one thing apologize for not keeping up with my friends blogs around here. I have been kind of indisposed lately and its been hard for me to get on and read and respond all of the time. Don't worry, I will try to catch up.



    Today was hectic, Not much really hapened until about 4 pm when I got a text from Allison that her purse had been stolen. I felt really bad so I went out and got her some flowers and a new purse. I feel like she's the only person around here I can really compare things with and talk about to when stuff is happening. Everyone else seems to be unconcerned but she really listens, so when she's not doing well or there's some problem I feel like I just need to give something in return.



    You have to imagine how I felt carrying a purse around inside of the store, a man with a purse. I felt so odd that I went and grabbed a basket and a couple of other things to balance the purse out. I was really just trying to hide it but there were some things that I needed to grab from the store. Most of it was just drinks, I haven't had cokes in this place that I could drink in ages.



    So when I got back from the store with all of the stuff she wasn't at home, but just as I went to walk off from the door of her place I ran into her and went inside for a bit. There was a big Stargate marathon on that she wanted to watch so I sat and watched it with her until it started to rain. It's been so long since I've seen rain, I mean good hard rain. We went out in it and ran around, played some and got wet just for the hell of it.



    We ended up talking over to my place so she could get the flowers, they were in a cup to help them keep. We got here so soaked that we were practically wet from head to toe. We had just been kind of silly with it, but it was fun. Probably the first time I've felt really okay in a long time. We dried off when we got here and covered up in blankets on the couch to finish the marathon over here. She had to go around 11 because she had an early class. But today felt really good. Here's to days like this and the hope that there will be many more.



    I meant to link to this art account yesterday, but I didn't so here it is.

    Tuesday, September 06, 2005

    Sorry About This

    This weekend was eventful to say the least, my parents succeeded in being their usually annoying selves, but I did get to go see my nieces and nephew and that made it worth while. For those who don't know I've been drawing a lot and their all posted here. Feel free to check them out and give me some feedback. Oh and Autumn I never got to do that drawing for you, I was away all weekend.



    I know this blog hasn't been getting the attention that it used to, but things aren't happening like they used to.

    Saturday, September 03, 2005

    Here I Am...

    I have been doing a lot of thinking, about a lot of things. I have come to several conclusions. Which have brought me to several more questions. Does everyone go through this? I just want out...



    I have special news for a few of you, but IM me about it.

    Thursday, September 01, 2005

    The Safety of Routine

    I have to say that things around here have been getting odd. I'm just starting to realize that I am back at school and things are really starting to kick in. Although its not that late as I write this, I will say that today was a total bust. I just sat around. I wish I could have gotten out to do something but I have no gas. It's just getting to cost too much. I waited for Allison to call so we could go to the mall and maybe take these pictures. But she never did.



    Now I'm just bored here, I colored a nice little drawing of Kinsey that I did a little while back. It came out pretty well and I guess that's one thing that doesn't make this day a total waste. Strange thing, I'm around people all day long and I see them day in and day out. I think I'm just ready for a change. I might just go out and wander about tonight. It's starting to get cool enough that I can do that.



    It's a crazy thing, someone really dear to me said a lot of the things that are happening now would and I'm still shocked. I'm still reeling from the realization at how predictable others are. I could sit back here and name off all of the things that are going on. I don't agree with a lot of things so I just keep my mouth shut and move along. Hell I don't agree with half of the things people do. But I think my ideals about what should happen are much more harsh normally.



    Many of the things I really wanted to see happen this year don't seem like they'll be able to take place. I don't really know what makes me think that. I just do.



    I was talking with a friend earlier tonight and he and I were talking about how we want girls that actually do things, that have lives and hobbies and all of that other good stuff. I don't want a girl that just kind of sits around and has no interests. They have to do something.



    We were talking about a girl that he liked that was in dating this firemen and she hated how the guy treated her. But she wouldn't break up with him. Part of the reason why was because she just wanted to date a fireman. Well I came to the realization that to a man, it doesn't really matter what a woman does for a living. I mean of course there are the occasional exceptions to the rule, I wouldn't want to date a striper. But for the most part, men don't look at a girl and say, Oh, can't date her, she's just a waitress.



    If I'm attracted to a waitress I'll date one. For men it seems to matter more what a woman can do. Can she cook? Can she manage her time well? Does she have what it takes to be good with children? These are all just things that seem to hinge on gender roles. At the same time, women seem to want men that have better jobs and can take care of them. Or that have jobs that bring a low level of prestige. Firemen have gotten this aura of being sexy. Especially since September eleventh. I'm not saying this to be sexist, this is just what I observe.



    So what would I like to find in a woman? Well I'm starting to think someone not so much like me would be nice to hang out with. I mean that way we're not constantly agreeing and doing the same things. I have seen couples that spend all of their time doing the same things, and just being glued together at the side and it's sickening. I know its not good to define a relationship based on what others will see of you, but I think that the kind of thing I am talking about cannot be healthy.



    Things have been real crazy, before I hung out with Eddie tonight I met Shana and her roommate to just talk. Her roommates name was Amanda and she was really pretty. I think she might be someone I'm interested in getting to know better. There seem to be a lot of girls I am running into that I would like to get to know better. At this time last year I was kind of in this same place. I felt a little something for more than one girl, and unfortunately I chose the wrong one to try and go for. I miss how last year Shana and I would hang out all of the time and just have so much fun. I miss that because it was one of those things that wasn't arranged like by some kind of schedule but it just became routine. I need to find a routine for this year.