Fear

There are things that need to be done, that need to be said, and I don't know when or where to do either. It's like you have a thousand different things swirling through your mind and all at once your asked to make them stop and make perfect sense. Fear as a powerful thing, and to say that you're never scared is stupid. Everyone gets scared, even heroes know when to have fear stricken into them, its how that effects you and I am afraid I have to say that I failed once more.

I failed to take the fear the way that I should have. I went to church and today the whole Mass was about nothing more than fear, about how we should give our fears to God and all of that. I'm not saying that I can do that all of a sudden, just willy nilly now, but I can say that I will deamn well try. It might take time but I want ot fix these things, I want to fix them for myself and for my furture.

Hopeless

Everyone is walking around trying to tell me things like I have no reason to feel bad, like things are just as good as they were before, the last week or the week before. I'm sorry to say it but you're wrong. Right now I feel like life is over because everything I ever put any hope into falls apart for me.

I am done hoping, I am done trying to wist that things would go the way I want them to, because they don't. You can pray or be good all you want but it doesn't work that way. I'm living proof that you don't get what you put into something back. If you get anything back at all, consider yourself lucky.

I feel like in life it might just be in your best interest to quit while you can, just to get out. Hope is something that we were all taught was real and taught to believe in. Hope is only as real as stupid things like karma or luck. And I gave up on those things a long time ago.

This blog was about hope, I blieved that I had to be strong because someday I would meet someone that I would spend the rest of my life with and I could share this with them, I could have imporved and all of this would be a joke for us to laugh at. I also used this as my reason for trying to improve, I wanted to be ready for when that happened. Now I know that's not going to happen.

I need to let go of hope because holding onto something false never helped anyone. We're even told not to hold onto false hope well I am here to say, all hope is false.

That makes the entire last year and a half of writing in this thing false.

Letdown

Worry is a type of sustenance, when you worry you don't want to eat. You always feel full, you always feel awake. It keeps you going in a way that other emotions can't. I'd hate to say it but so much pisses me off right now. So many people have just been lying to me for way too long. I can't even stand to hear the words try your best, how the fuck will you know I am trying my best. I try my best so often and it just gets thrown back in my fucking face.

This used to be a place where I wrote down my hopes and dreams, back when I had hope, but I don't have the energy for life anymore, I'm not strong enough to just handle all of this and move on. I see how lucky others are, how good they have it and when they're ready to throw it away I want to hit them. Someone wants to throw away a relationship for a goddamn game, I would get rid of every game I have and never buy another for a sure thing.

Fuck the fact that games are occasionally fun, its not like they are important, and its not like they're even important enough for me to have to tell someone this. Fuck what anyone thinks, and comparing them to sports, they aren't important either so you're just calling the kettle black.

All the drama around here, and all of the shit happening in my life, all of the things I was hoping to do, everything I hoped would last me gets denied. My doctor used to ask why I was depressed, this is why, no one cares, no one around here really wants to know what anyone else is going through except so they can blab it to every other damn person they come across.

Shit around here gets blown out of proportion, taken to lightly or ignored all together. I don't want to be part of it anymore. I hate it, I really do. I hate it here, and I hate it at home. There's nowhere left for me. I really used to genuinely love it here, but those feelings got smashed. I used to love meeting new people here. I hate all of those things now because new people mean new oppurtunities to get let down, and everyone around here gets around to letting you down, it just takes some longer.

My Overkill

A lot has come up about some things and its making me nervous. It seems like a lot of things might change after this year. It's like that whole thing with the first season of Scrubs, so much changed at the end of that season that it almost drove them all apart. I don't want that to happen to me and my friends and the people I care about.

So much of the stuff that scares me could happen so soon and it could mean nothing at all when it does, but the person that is me doesn't like change. And I know that's a bad thing, because everything changes. But I consider myself so lucky to have things the way that they are now. I am happy with life for what it is worth, and yes, there are things that could be better, but there is no perfection in life.

Life has to be a little flawed, otherwise what's the point in living. In the ideal world what would you stand to gain if you started out with everything that you could possibly want. I think its when you fight for something that you actually achieve a new level of humanity. I think that there is something to be gained for standing up what for what you believe in I haven't done that very often but I want to do that now.

I see so much going on around me here, and I see how some people just have so much going for themselves and they throw it away when they don't even know what the full benefit of what they have could be. I don't want to be that person, I want to make sure whatever I have to be proud of and make sure I nurture it properly.

Communication break down can cause a lot of problems in any relationship whether it be romantic or whether it be friends, parents, or any of the other people that you speak with from time to time. It makes me angry to know some things that I never got around until finding out the other day. This guy here at the school. He is so incredible, I love talking to him. He must be one of the coolest people I have met. He told me that when he first heard about me it was people bitching about how much of an ass I am because of jokes I made.

Who here has ever known me to go out and want to harm retards or blatantly attack others without reason? No one has, because when I make jokes I am just joking. I joke about racism, I joke about how black people are worthless, I am mostly black. What happened in this world where simple jokes turn into controversy? Maybe I just overkilled it.

The Little Annoyances

There is so much going on right here right now, I am well more than ready to have a break from school. School can be a tiring thing, it can drain a person in more way than one. I talked to Shirin about how the people around here act, about how I am tired of talking to one person and getting someone butting in on my conversation. I mean I really try to keep to myself when I can, not bother people when I over hear them, even if I can help them by giving them some info.

It's not socially acceptable to butt in, for the most part. There are the acceptions to this rule, but I think that they happen far less than we would like for them too. In a little while I have to go up to the campus and hit up the library for a book so that I can finish writing this paper. I had all of the work done except for a damn work cited. When I asked the teacher for a little extra time, he told me yes, but some asshole in the background piped up and yelled Who's fault is that?

For God's sake mind your fucking business, I didn't talk to you, I didn't ask for your input, because if I cared I'd kill myself, your not anybody, you're not even in our class. And when you have to start a phrase with the words Not to be offensive you know already that you are in fact about to offend someone and you are just trying to protect your ass.

In other miraculous news Neemo and I agreed twice today, both times on someone else being annoying, I am proud of him. He might learn what the word asshole means yet.

Now, I really don't have much else to say, there are some pictures here that I would like to post: only those on blogger will get to see them though.

Worry

All I can say is that I need to work on some things heavily, I need to sit down and have a long talk with some people. I need that a lot and I think that some of the things I might say might worry some a lot. I have a lot to think about though and I have been doing a lot of thinking. Life is hard work, and I need to think about the next step I have to take and look at things more seriously. It's sad to say I'm hurt inside and I don't know why.

Gone

Stories to tell? I should have some more after this weekend. I'm going back to Houston, because I have some one I really want to see. This place is starting to wear on me, it sickens me. I am tired of seeing some of these people, I am tired of being in some of these situations. I'm tired of a lot that goes on here. This is the kind of place that wears on your senses, it breaks you down to you refuse to care. You refuse to do the things you should.

Why do I know all of this, well unlike most, I have been here since June, yeah I hardly went home for summer. There were lots of people that I neglected to see over the last year, what pisses me off most about it is that I feel like its my fault. I mean I try to see them, I call, I really do and when I am in town they ignore me.

They basically tell me that they are too busy. And whatever, I don't care that much, not like I used to. I get the same thing here, I get told we're going to meet here at this time and then I get stood up.

But again, whatever. I don't have the time to worry about it.

"Student Infatuations Become Waste of Time!" or "Time Not Wasted?"

This is a news paper article that was written by a guy I knew in high school, it was published in the school newspaper where he attended. When I saw it I thought that there was something seriously wrong, so I wrote my own counter action which will follow immediately after this.

Student Infatuations Become Waste of Time
By Boze Herrington

Aside from the drug problem, the sex problem, the groping problem, the poor taste in music problem, and the foul and grammatically improbable language problem, students at our school have another problem. This problem may not have reached the pandemic proportions of the sex and drug problems, but it is widespread, and it will only continue if the youth of Alvin don't get their act together.

The problem is that, at the age we are, way too many students have developed young love. This is a silly and meaningless outrage and it cannot go on.

I am not being sarcastic or satirical. I am dead serious. You have fallen into the pit of false compassion, the snare of so-called love. Although very few people realize this ("liking" people is the "cool thing" to "do"), this sorry state brings with it a multitude of heinous difficulties and distractions.

But, before we get into that, where do you think you even got the idea of "liking" in the first place? The same place most ideas seem to come from, the magical land of Hollywood. An old poem goes like this:

Think of all the people who would not be in love

If they had never heard it spoken of.

What drives you to want a boyfriend or girlfriend? Where do you get that fire in your heart that keeps you continuously unsatisfied with just being really good friends (which is, by the way, the best way)? Hollywood and the media, the powerful force behind most of the dissatisfaction you'll have in life. For example, why do you think corporations pay millions of dollars a minute to play you a little commercial during your favorite show? Because they want you to be constantly dissatisfied with what you have so you'll go out and buy more. The whole industry is built on want.

Physics teacher and storyteller Ralph Kryder concurs: Boredom is a word that Hollywood invented to keep you dissatisfied, he says. And he is right, by the way. In the words of Henry David Thoreau, a man can never be bored as long as he has his own mind.

So you would never have known about having a boyfriend or girlfriend if your TV-saturated friends and favorite shows hadn't left you never thinking of an alternative. You have to have your honey, don't you? But all the time, you little realize that you have simply fallen into a big corporate trap.

So now that you know the truth, why not live in the light? A growing number of students have completely renounced liking or going out. For example, sophomore Corey Pauley remarks, I'm so glad I don't like anyone anymore. I have so much more time, and money, to do whatever I want to do, like study and type up notes.

We set ourselves up for future heartbreaks by putting to much trust in the opposite sex, wrote Corey's former girlfriend, Melody Selby. We believe in and dwell on the sweet words they say, neglecting to realize that their promises die along with the relationship, while loosing a best friend along the way.

When Corey and Melody started going out, I thought to myself, I wonder how much money, time and knowledge he will waste on her? Nine months later, it turned out he had wasted more money than Boze has seen in his entire life. It's stupid, pointless and expensive. I hope it doesn't happen to me, said Eric Booth, Corey's close friend. I was just looking out for his interests.

Youthful infatuations take all your time. If you wonder why you're not in the top ten, it's probably because you slacked off and liked someone. For example, I am not in the top ten. Among other things, like a lack of discipline and a certain stupidity when it comes to math or science, this is because I have liked two and a half people. If I ever have any reason to doubt why I am eighty one instead of one, I have Mr. Math Teacher and two and a half Pretty Girls to thank. But of course in the end it's all my fault, for not studying hard enough and liking girls.

At a time when you should be using all your mental energies to study hard, learn all you can, discover your talents and passions, and get into a good college, you have assumed that every day of your life will be just like this one. Well, it won't be. Someday you'll wake up and your baby'll be gone, but there'll be another baby to take his (or her) place, and you'll realize it's not high school anymore. It never can be. College, or a job at the convenience store, cometh. But Alvin High School fades away. Don't fall into the crush at 14, baby at 16, marriage at 18, slow death from then on trap. The chances are that of all the people you now know, you will only talk to two or three ten years along the road from now. All that will matter from this time is what you learned and what you did with it.

So liking people is a waste of time.

You can't see the world when you've got your eyes on the face of one person. Your whole life lies before you, with so much to explore and think and dream and do. Open your eyes and see the beauty in the world and the loveliness of each individual person. Would you confine yourself before your time? You've created your own prison.

Don't fall into the trap. Forget about your boyfriend. Come forward, away from there, and fall in love with life this day.

Now here is my article that I wrote in response.

Time Not Wasted
By Justin Caynon

Drugs, sex and rock and roll, eh? Let's blame the hippies and the communist while we're at it, why don't we. I can't say that I can buy into all that this article says, because it in fact has a lot to do with something that sounds to me like almost a conspiracy theory about the media wanting us to "buy into" love. Real love is not a thing that you can buy, or that can be forced on you.

Love is not what I would call a feeling although it is often categorized as one. Feelings are triggered by something, when we lose a close friend, we might feel sad. If we have a child, we might feel joy. But love is something different altogether. When someone hugs me I don't just suddenly love them right then and then it's gone. We choose to love someone, whether we like to admit it or not.

We choose who we love based on many things, but the keyword is choose. There is no "love at first sight", because we have to get to know that person before we can actually love them.

Humans are creatures of companionship, relations between students are not a pandemic that must be stopped like the Black Death in the Middle Ages. People are going to like other people no matter what anyone thinks or says. The media can't have had the effect of creating this human need for companionship.

The idea that these admirations of the opposite sex arise because of provocation by the media and Hollywood is a preposterous one, Carlen Shoemaker a high school student says, I just don't believe that the media, or anyone or anything else, for that matter, could make me think I love someone. Love isn't something you learn, it's an instinct you have from the time you're born. You don't learn to love your family, you just do, so why should it be any different when you feel that way for someone of the opposite sex who isn't part of your family?

The idea of love being a waste of time is equally preposterous. Loving someone else cannot be a waste of time, because anything that shows charity and kindness towards another human being is not a waste of time.

Another high school student Jessica Richardson has this to say on the issue, Liking people is a waste of time? Not in my life or many other's. Sure, high school love probably won't go far but it's the experience that counts. Many people don't get to experience having a boyfriend or girlfriend, or feeling that 'young love'. Many of those people turn lonely, and fall into a depression. Therefore, their grades slip and they spend their time locked up in their room contemplating suicide because they think that not one likes them.

Even here we have the idea that being all alone can cause way more angst than being with someone else. Just liking someone without dating them can sometimes make you feel better than trying to avoid them all together. But even if you are just "good friends" there will always be that question in the back of your mind, What if?

And that question can cause its own host of problems and even lower some grades as Jessica said.

The idea of liking someone being the cool thing to do is, to me, not always the case. While there are people who will go out just to get this image that we're beautiful and together there are those out there, who couldn't care less about what the world thinks of who they are dating or like. And I defiantly don't see how someone can call money spent on another person who is special to you money wasted.

Money is just an object, something that is passed from one person to the next, and something that people put far too much trust in. The value of money rises and falls from time to time, the value of a human and someone by your side never changes.

You can't put a dollar value on the things shared between you and another person. You can't put a price sticker on the beauty you see when you look into that other person's eyes. And out of all the things you can find in nature, I would rather feel that. All relationships do not lead to ultimately sex. And a relationship seeking that kind of selfish gratification is almost always started the count down on it's own doomsday clock.

No relationship is free of sacrifice, because that's what boyfriend/girlfriend relationships are, a sacrifice of one's needs to help another person. When you tell someone you like them you leave yourself emotionally open, you weaken the defenses that humans put up to pain and hurt out.

But in truth without pain and hurt every once and a while, we aren't really living life. And high school is a time for us to test the waters of relationships and see what works for us. It's a time for us to learn not just academically, but emotionally. Within four years we might be in college, and it is not a good thing to go out into the world with a fetal idea of what being involved in a relationship is.

I will admit, love can hurt, it can hurt like hell and leave scars for a lifetime. But it can also heal other scars and give us some of the greatest feelings in the world. Maybe the words boyfriend and girlfriend wouldn't exist if not for the media, but the idea still would. It's in our nature to come to care about those that we are close to. And to care even more about certain people who we share some common link with. A common bond is what makes us human, after all.

The young love we experience now helps us to mature and grow as humans. It helps us to understand the opposite sex and form bonds with them. Any relationship takes time and effort, just like school work does. The important thing is to balance the two, you must bring order to the chaos of life and find an equilibrium that allows time for both.

Don't blame someone you like just because you spent time with them and things didn't work out just how you thought they should. Cherish the time with them, or the time that you spent with them rather. Failure is part of life, but its when we give up that we truly lose out. By giving up on young love you've given up on a critical part of development.

Liking people is not a waste of time, it's a part of life.

Maybe you can't see all of the beauty of the world when your concentrating on the person you like, but maybe you don't need to. Maybe you can see all of that beauty in their eyes, even if for a brief time. Chances are we won't talk to all the people we know now in ten years. But those three or four we still talk to might be the best friends we have out of them all, and one of those three or four be that special someone we want to spend the rest of our life with.

That's it, I wrote this a few years back and so did the other person, I'm sure that his views have adjusted by now. But I will write a little more on this subject in another blog since this one is already too long.

Slow Motion

There are a whole array of sensations that can be changed by just the way things are going around you. I got news today that I won't be able to room with Brandon next semester, which is something that I was really hoping for. I could already see that he and I would get along well and that there wouldn't be many if any problem with it. The reason my parents gave? Well they want me to stay here in Chapp, not that it matters. But if I can I might as well stay in the same freaking room now.

I mean I guess I can make some sense of it, if I have to rent fruniture, pay utilities and all of that other stuff maybe the idea wasn't that good, but it was something that I really looked forward to. I don't have much to look foward to here at the school, but I guess whatever right. I mean I didn't really expect them to do something that I wanted to do, right?

I am looking forward to this weekend, I get to see Sandra, which is something I am really looking foward to, today is Tuesday, could this week move any slower!

There's Not Enough Of That To Go Around

Have you ever hung out with someone just for a while, and you suddenly start to think that maybe there could be a really good friendship there, only to have those hopes dashed? I felt really bad the other day because I got the idea that when we finished the first few manga that I wouldn't get to see Vanessa again.

It made me feel bad because I really enjoyed hanging out with her, she was a lot of fun, had a good sense of humor and was someone I could count on to not talk about me behind my back or try and take advantage of me. I don't have enough of that around here, I really should get more people like that to come around.

Well I talked to her about it and she said we would still hang out so I am satisfied enough. I know I might not be able to see her over the summer, but there is always the phone, right?

This weekend was culminized by phone calls from further away, long talks and soft giggles. I love talking to Sandra on the phone, I really do. I love it, but not nearly as much as I love going to see her, In four days I'll be right there, seeing her. Its all that I can do, right? But there is so much to do until then. Thursday is too far away.

There is a long day ahead of me tomorrow. I have writing and reading to do, and I will get it done. I will have something to show for this year.

Imagined Burden

At times you can have something that you absolutely wish that you could tell a person, something that makes you so nervous and and uneasy. It's something that you are so afraid to talk about that you might actually try to hide it from the person, you might try to push it deep down and bury it. But that's not the way to do things.

When you bury something that is bothering you inside, you force yourself to act weighted down around that other person. You may not even want to, but you act and seem different to them. It makes it hard to hold converstation. Funny thing another friend and I were both weighted down by something that we wanted to say to other very special people. But when we finally broke it to them they didn't hate us or any of that and everything feels much better now.

Well I have a lot to do, so I have to cut this short.

Inhuman

A friend off Deviant Art, Raine had her site hacked and the people who did it tried to prove to everyone that this great Christian person was a slut and a terrible person who hated them. Well she's taken legal action on them and I would like for you all to pray for her, and pray that the people that did this are brought to justice.

You can read what she says about it here.

Black Issue

You sit in a classroom with hmphs at every mention of any wrongs done to blacks. It's the same sound you hear in hot, deep south black Baptist churchs on a sweltering Sunday afternoon. It must feel like revenge to those that do it, or what they think is revenge. Revenge for what? Well the class has more white students than blacks, even though this is a black Civil Rights class. But the whites have just as much right to be there as anyone. The blacks act as if its their right to rub something in the white's faces. Even though the class deals with a lot of race relations, the blacks there seem to have a hard time sperating the whites in the class from the whites that did bad things. I know where it comes from many times the black families will tell their children how bad they had it. I'm certain that almost no white famlies went around bragging about how they had it in the old days. Most of the whites in there probably have no idea how bad blacks had it way back when and that's not their fault, lets face it, when a country wants not to show the wrongs it has done in the past, all it must do is not talk about them.

People forget that our generations get further and further from the old ways with time. And for those black students in the class who feel like they get something hearing a black man stand in front of the class and talk about their ancestors plight. I mean, we all have a plight, or have had a plight at one point in time or another, but if we walked around scoffing at each other, it wouldn't help us progress.

I can't sit there like the rest of them and make sounds and illustrate my anger. When I hear these things that happen it makes me no more angry than it does when I hear the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor. I mean I watch shows and play games that fund things in Japan every day, I don't harbor any anger to those people. I look at how I am, I look at how I think. There are so many blacks in here who think of themselves as black before American, black bfore their religion. I onceasked a woman in my class if she would choose to be a white woman, and keep her gender or be a black man and keep her race. I fully expected her her to choose one of those two things, instead, she told me she would rather be dead than white.

People out there who want all of the liberties of America, but care more about getting Michael Jackson or Robert Kelly off than they do about what happened on September eleventh or what is happening in the Sudan now. These people aren't concerned with America or anyone else expcept Black America.

I mean look at it this way, in Houston, Texas, my home town, we had a black mayor, now the black community rallied behind him for two terms despite the fact that he wouldn't do a thing for them. Some black politicians have learned that they don't even have to be right or campaign for the black vote, they just get it, simply on the fact that they are black. Why is it that the black community feel this need to go up and see someone who doesn't care about them win?

Why is it that whenever two candidates run, one black, one white, the white one can say everything that he wants for the good of America, for all people, but the blacks seem to only care about themselves. Why can't they just think of themsleves as Americans?

That's all I have to say for now.

Myspace Culture, Anime Imitates Life, And Easter Weekend

_{Alright, I am breaking this blog up into sections by what I am talking about in them.}

Myspace Culture

I was looking over a friend's survey that they posted on Myspace and one of the questions was do you like having your hair pulled? And of course like the person who had filled out the survey, it was a girl, had put yeah, in the right situation. It's obvious what the situation is...

I guess I have known about this for a pretty long time, I just didn't think about it. I really think that these surveies get a little too persoanl, and I guess it is fine if your like me and you have done absolutely nothing, but some people proudly wear the terrible things they have done as if these are things they should take pride in.

Do you think it makes you any better if you sleep with two girls at the same time? or even vice versa. I'm not saying that answering the question truthfully is the problem. I know that there are some people out there who don't know any better. And the girl who's profile I read that on, yeah it wasn't a big deal because she was being truthful and not doing anyone else any harm. But then...here goes the big one. I see people who actually think it is cool that they have cheated on someone or things like that.

What makes you think that you are so good that you can cheat? I don't understand where people get off with this shit, I sometimes think, this is why the world is so fucked up. Its not because the world is fucked from the start, its because people make it that way. I mean they don't even try to make things right. They don't try, they just want things to fall in place for them, they want to hold hands and sing a song about it and have it all be alright. That's not how it works at all.

I think that myspace is a good website, but like most good ideas it gets twisted. I remember when I first got to myspace I hardly ever saw a bulletin that was a survey or anything like that. I think that most of the time people would just announce when something good or bad happened to them. And the whole thing with the photos, the way that so many people take certain kind of photos, the way that so many people confrom to the way that things on myspace are supposed to be.

Realistically we see things on here that people would never do in real life, which is one of the problems and points of the internet. While you can do things on here that you could never do in real life, like talk to people across the world for basically free. But at the same time you can see how people would think that they could do whatever they want.

So often on myspace there are those people that leave lude comments about how they would like to Get all up in that ass or do other asinine things to others. I see it all of the time, picture comments that someone never even would want to read, ones that are all about sex. Now I am not going to go on a lecture about sex. But I have to say that basing what you want to do sexually on a picture alone is bullshit. You don't even know that person's personality. I could really go on like this for ever, but I will give it a break.

Anime Imitates Life

Brandon and I had a discussion about Naruto just in relation to things in real life. I guess that there was more there to talk about than can be said right here, because I don't want to go through all of that word for word. But the major point that we made was about this character, Gaara. The character when you first meet him is basically evil, he kills people and loves to see pain and hurt. But you later find out thats because as a child people saw him as monster, just because he was different, just because of things that he couldn't help. And as the story progresses you see that he is very much like the main character, Naruto.

Naruto was resented for the way he was too, but he didn't really hurt anyone, he just lashed out and craved attention. When he finally made friends his circle of friends never stopped expanding, he kept finding himself in the middle of more and more friends, until everyone believed in him. Switch it back to Gaara who grows into a bitter teen who no one cares for, even his brother and sister fear him. Well when the two meet Gaara wonders why Naruto is so eager to protect his friends, Naruto explains to him that these are his precious people, that because of them he has someone to protect.

Now Brandon I think was trying to use this point to say that if people don't cling to someone, then the person who is left alone will turn bitter. But I see this a different way, I see it as a way to say, don't be like Gaara, don't just turn you back on the world when it turns its back on you. Naruto had the need to be noticed, he wanted to be seen and respected by all because he wanted people to see that he was worth something.

We were talking about how Phil, a kid at the school here seems to want attention but he goes about getting it in a demeaning way, he belittles others who are actually trying to be nice to him and he lies and talks shit behind your back. I know that a lot of us catch Hell in life, I know what it is like to feel like no one will ever care to really get to know you. But then, I found people who did. I found a lot of them at that. And that makes me know that you can go another path, you can keep on being who you are despite the fact that the world tells you not to be that way.

I could have rushed off to the first party that came along and fucked some girls, had all of this liquor and gotten torn up and just been one of the guys in high school. But I didn't want to be that way, I wanted to wait until I found someone I was looking for, I wanted to wait until I found friends that I could really talk to on a level of interpersonal things, not just about what we had to drink or what drugs are fun to use. I might joke, but it doesn't mean I do it.

Interlude

Wow, I think I might go back and divide all of this blog up so that you guys don't have to look at it all, because I had a lot of shit to say here it looks like.

Easter Weekend

This might be thge shortest part of this blog yet, and yeah I know that's not saying much. It would appear that this weekend I will be unable to see Sandra, and that isn't really a big problem. I really wanted to see her but I know that a week will only make it better when I finally do. Its funny, I have been looking forward to it so much, but I found myself saying things I never thought I would when she told me that we couldn't see each other.

I don't know what it means, but you know how you play things in your head, just as kind of a thought, and you think how would I react and then when the situation finally arises you react the complete opposite way? That's what this felt like. I was sad, but I didn't get angry. I just offered a little compromise but if she can't do it I understand and we can adjust things as needed.

Maybe I am growing up, maybe I'm learning something.

My Precious People

I am starting to think Shirin is right, I don't quite understand it yet, but Sandra thinks I'm somehting special. And I don't even get it really. I don't think I ever have been anything special to anyone. I like it, I like someone who thinks of me in a good way and I like having someone just happy to hear from me. I feel like I've been useless before now, I mean I have wasted so much time on pointless ndeavors, things that meant nothing.

I wish I could say that I have done great things, I wish I could really say that with truth and mean it. But I haven't, I write, I draw, and I do both of those things alright. But I would like to think there are times where I have a power, not a power that you can see in strenght or anything, but a power to really help someone out who needs it deep down, not all of the time, but I have it when its need most, when it counts. Problem is I never have help myslef, I never have anyone there to make sure that me looking after others doesn't take its toll.

I think I have that sort of now, I have other people who care for me. And I care for them, its not just Sandra, there are others, and then there are those of you who have been there all along, PJ, John, you know who you are. I think that in a way stories can teach us so much, and in a story I am thinking of a certain main character tells a foe where his strneght comes from, it comes from the precious people I protect. As long as you have someone to look out for, someone who will look out for you in a pinch, it will be okay.

My parents called the other day and I told them about the trouble I was having here, and what I wanted to do, I told them how scared I was they told me that I will make it, many young people have the same problems I am having and I just need to do what I have to do, and I know inside what I have to do. Yeah I do, I really do and I have been afraid to admit it all along. I still don't think I'm quite so smart. But maybe I will be proven wrong. Maybe my old man is right and maybe no one here gives their 100%, but I know there are things in the future I want that would dictate I do give my all.

There are things that I want for myself, for my family that mean I will have to do the best. That's my Reason Why, I know the future is a scary thing, and its an unsure thing. None of us are promised tomorrow. None of us are promised the next second. But if we all thought and took that the wrong way, if we all figured that we might not be here instead of trying to see what we can prepare for. Shouldn't we also think that None of us were promised right now...and here we are.

That's My Limit

I don't like to think about the future a lot, I really think that growing up is something that is hard to do, being this person that everyone expects of you, its hard to make time for what you really think you should be. It makes me sad, it hurts on the inside when I think about the fact that I don't feel twenty. I don't feel like I am at the end of my youth and that I'm an adult. In my mind I am the same kid in Junior High who liked to make silly jokes with his friends, cursed far too much and just liked good company.

I'm in college, but I don't feel smart enough to be here, or even to be at the level I am at. People assure me that I am intelligent, but I don't see it. My mind feels like it has to struggle, its hard to pay attention and I don't know what to say besides the fact that I want to be here, I like to hear I am smart from others, but I don't feel it. In truth I don't know what to say I feel. There are so many confusing things, so many times that I think that I have an answer and that's when something else comes up. Something totally unexpected.

That's what happens in the back of my mind, that's what I feel when I look unsure or when I quiet down for a moment. People ask are you okay? Is this okay? I don't feel accepted or right, I don't feel like I belong and even when I had started to think I belonged in something, it soon showed itself not to be true.

So the point in all of this, I think that I've reached my limit. I sometimes feel like I have gone as far as I can go, what do you say to that, what do you say to a person who feels like this. I want to know not so I can shoot it down and tell the one who says it that its crap. But so that I can have some solace, some comfort and know that this is not as far as I can go. I know that just telling me I am smart isn't enough, I don't feel smart, I don't think I am smart. What else is there to say?

The Walk

So you guys know there's mnore out there than just, well this. Right I mean we have been told all of our lives that things change from time to time, people go through stages and tht's just how life is. I think that at this stage, at the stage of life that I'm in, nothing is really sure. Nothing is really going to be any way for certain.

To be honest things haven't been the same around here for a while, I have found that some of the people I once held in such a high regard have fallen to the point that I am no longer to even look at them the same way. When I say that I mean it in the most stirring way. I have friends that I once thought of as some of the nicest most righteous people, now...

What happened? Did I change what I thought was righteous, did they change in fact and the person I once saw them as is still somewhere buried inside or still some where out there? Or in truth were they never really that way at all, were they pretending? I don't know why I thought about all of this, but I did, I took a walk down to campus early this morning, and when I say early I mean it was about one thrity or two. I wanted to see what it was like to be out there, away from this place when others were in their beds. I wanted to see what came to my mind when I was left to ponder on things a while.

The more I reflect on things, the more that I began to think that there might be some merit to them. So long I have been subjected to people telling me that the things I have said aren't right or they aren't nice. That I shouldn't speak so about such and such person. I have bitten my tongue again and again and I really am tired. I am tried of looking at someone as a they are, speaking about what I see and having someone tell me that its not like that.

That person can help but be a dick, you don't have to act like that towards others. No matter how much you might have been hurt in the past, God I know that we have all been hurt in the past. But not everyone takes to compeltely hating others. And I can think of several people I know who have been hurt way more than others, that are really nice. A little too nice. The logic that someone being hurt in the past doesn't make total sense to me, and even if it did, its not an excuse to be mean to nice people.

I guess what I mean to say is, there's a lot that we all have to learn about each other, and a lot to learn from one another. Don't ruin it by letting past problems get in the way, people aren't the same as each other, if someone in the past hurt you for such and such, don't think every one you meet will do the same.

Now That's How A Man Should Be!

Right now I guess I should be feeling pretty, good, excited about going out with friends tomorrow and then excited about Easter. I just can't wait to go home and I can't wait to see Sandra. But there's something else I would like to do, something really important, I'd just like to meet her parents and say hi to them and stuff like that. Let them know I'm a good guy, because I really don't mean her any harm, that is the last thing I would want to come to her.

Will it be hard, I don't even know if she will be all for it yet. There are so many things I have never done in life, such as meet a girl's parents. I mean how would I have, I have never had the chance. The closest I have ever come is the time that I met my friend Megan's mother, she asked me all of these questions about how I was Catholic and all this stuff, they were Catholic too. I remember feeling so intimidated by all of it. But then her mom came to trust me, and let Megan hang out later when I was in a group with her. Just because I wouldn't let any of my friends down. Not my true friends.

The way I think about all of this, because I hope to have a daughter some day is that I feel like I want to treate any girl I date as I would expect any guy to treat my daugther. If my daughter says no or tells him to lay off, he should. If he thinks its cute to make dirty comments to my daughter or treat her like a piece of meat he is sorely mistaken. I want to tell her dad and mom this face to face, I want a chance to defend myself. Because I really don't think I am a normal guy, I sure as hell don't act like one.

And while I act like a sarcastic dick to many people, I never act that way with her, I don't think I could if I wanted to. I mean when I look at her, when I talk to her its like I'm talking to a Princess. Like I'm looking at royalty, I hope she remembers I said that. I want her to know that for sure, and I want her family to know it too.

Well, it is 1:30 in the morning and I am going to hit up the Wal-Mart, the middle of the day crowds make me sick. And besides, I need time to get out, clear my head and think about what else I need to say. I need to get it out. Oh and for the first time in my blog's history, don't expect to know everything that goes on with Sandra and I, I'm not the type to tell much of anything, I think its private. And no I don't mean like that, I just like to have something I share with someone else and only that person. Just the way I look at her sometimes, it needs to stay sacred between us. I know I said I would try not to keep things from my readers, but I'm not sorry that I have something I can share with someone and no you all.

Men too often brag about what they have done, men also too often forget they might have daughters too some day, I'm not saying I'm a real man yet, but I'm just saying that holding things sacred, considering the girl over himself, That's How A Man Should Be!

Pain

It feels like someone is beating me in the head constantly, why won't this go away!

The Weekend

So here it is the end of another weekend, the end of a very good weekend really. As planned we went to Houston on Friday night, I was kind of nervous that things would go wrong. I was actually nervous that nothing would go as planned. Only Brandon, Neemo and I were able to go and we had a lot of fun the ride down there. I really do like to talk to Neemo and Brandon, even though I get the idea that Neemo really doesn't know I don't hate him. I actually enjoy talking to him more than I do most people around here because he doesn't spit out the usual mindless babble.

I get tired of hearing the same things from people over and over. Talking to Neemo and Brandon is sort of refreshing. It gives me new opinions on the way things are and it gives me just a new look on things in general. Having company in the car like that makes the ride go alot faster.

I think when we got to Houston Friday night that no one had really expected the whole thing to feel like it was no time at all. SO when we got to town that night, we made a few stops, and in the end we got to playing Super Smash Brothers Melee. And since it was just me, Neemo and Brandon things were pretty fun. A little bit into the game I started talking to Sandra on the internet, needless to say I was pretty excited about getting to see her on Saturday.

After all of that we got to bed, I fell asleep on the floor watching FOX News Channel, in the morning when I woke up we all went to take care of some business, then we picked up Shirin and went to Olive Garden. We had a lot of fun there, I mean I really love the food at that place and its not too terribly expensive. I have to admit I didn't know what to do at first, but after like five minutes around Sandra I just felt more comfortable than before.

While we were there we even took a few silly little pictures, I think I tried to get one of everyone at least once, that's just my thing. After that we drove across town to the movie theater and saw Ice Age II, even though I hardly paid attention to the movie because I was either falling asleep or talking to Sandra; I can say that it was a really good movie.

I really can't go into much detail about what happened after the movie, I mean there wasn't much, more driving, and I had gotten Sandra a gift, a hat that she had worn the first time we hung out alone. She really liked the hat, and everyone says it looks good on her. We didn't get back to San Antonio until four in the morning, busy...I know.

But there was nothing but fun, I mean I think that I had way too much fun with the whole thing. But I do have a pictures here, wee.