I Am Jack's Plea

I have never searched so hard to find just what I wanted to say, this is something that I wrote because I couldn't express it openly, I couldn't just come out and say it. The things I want to say just don't get said. I feel left out and alone, I feel like damaged goods. Eleven Months I wrote in this thing and I said that I wanted to be able to have someone ask me What's wrong and be able to answer Nothing. Nothing is wrong.

But slowly, slowly and surely I am noticing that some of the things I used to do are coming back to me, but there still feels like there is a hole there. I sit with people and I talk and I just don't feel whole. I feel like a shell, empty and used, nothing left. I say that I want to be there for others, I really want to make sure no one else feels this way. Although I know there must be others that do. I want to show everyone else they have a purpose, I don't think I do. But I want to make that my purpose.

There is so much I want than just this lonliness. I would like to have someone to share with, to talk to, someone who wants me around and who understands. Someone I can be silly in front of and someone I can be serious with, someone who will know when the time is right to do either. I don't feel that I will ever find this. Sometimes I think that I might someday get bitter like I mentioned earlier, it wouldn't be the first time, what happens if I stay that way.

In that same post I asked something else, Were we engineered like this, with some kind of hole in our souls to keep us longing for a closeness that can never be achieved here in life? Is this just a test to see who gets in and who’s out? Was Nicole right, am I just too needy of others, does this want to never be alone mean something else. This medication that I am taking, just how much is it doing to me. Am I the same person that I was before, last year when I wrote Faulty Souls?

No pill, whether it be twenty miligrams or one hundred miligrams is going to pave a hole over in your soul. I write about so much, I used to write about gender issues in here, and I used to go back and forth with other blogs in little discussions. Lately I have been concerned with myself, I have wondered if I am even worth my own time while doing this. But I have lost so much this year without experincing any real loss. No one died, no one is really gone. But people I thought were close to me have been pushed back by a parting of the waters that connected us. Those that I trusted showed their true colors and let me down either in the regard to which they held me or the way that they thought of me as a pawn.

I won't be a pawn, I won't be one to get walked on like I did in the past. I need to choose my friends better and choose the things that I am going to do more wisely. Last year I made the descion to pursue this girl and I wasted almost an entire year on someone who thought of me as just a tool they could use to boost her ego. I can't fall for that again, I have to know what I am walking into is what both parties need.

Heather wanted to know what was going on with me today, she wanted to know what was happening. I wanted to break down and I don't know how else to put it. I feel so stressed and have no way to take it all off. I am so stressed it hurts and I just want to cuddle up next to someone and lay there. I want someone to hold and talk to but I don't have that. I want something to do that makes me forget all of the things going on, I want to forget that I'm medicated, seeing two shrinks, going through a lot of emotional changes while trying to keep a smile and ward off the lonliness. What can you do that does all of that?

What can you do that's going to make it worth while. I need something to change.