I Am Jack's One Last Request

Well this has been a day of ups and downs, I really don't know how esle to describe it. My mind has been all over the place, during the day while I was with Heather, during the night last night while I slept, my mind kept drifting> I moved from thought to thought, most of the time my thoughs finding their way back to the same person. God how can I fall like this again, how can I get myself in so deep?

There are things you never expect to have happen, what do you do when you ask for a sign and actually end up getting it? Do you follow what you want and go there hoping that the sign wasn't just some coincidence. I have asked many questions and I know that signs aren't just some common thing. I have asked before, several times before for a sign, but it never came. It never even seemed to come, I even thought of how little a thing I would take as one, but to no avail. This is the first time that it has ever happened. What does that mean?

I am so scared to fuck this up, so afraid that like with the last few times I will only gain heartache and pain from this. Who am I to think that this could be any different. I've got low self esteem its true, but it's down there for a reason. So many times have I just been torn up over things that I wanted. I mean most of the time I can't seem to get what I need or deserve. All of the people that I know, all of them have someone in their life and I feel so alone every day, I stay here and I go out and I look around and I just can't be one of those shiny happy people. I convince myself that most of the people I see around me are in bad relationships, that they will end up heart and broken after it. But it doesn't help the fact that they seem happy now.

I really think that if this goes right, I can let most of the other things in life slide, how my parents act and treat me, how I can't seem to write right now, how a lot of things are going. I don't care about all of that right now, most of those things will fix themselves with time. I know that my writing won't just up and go away. But to be with someone, even just for a little while, how is that so much to ask?

Soon people will be back here, classes will start and we will all be shuffling around the school, clubs will be here and there advertising and protesting things, video games will be played and there will be late night runs to the IHOP. It will be hard to forget this time, the time between these two semesters when I made friends I can really count on it seems like, who don't just come over and bitch, who don't whine everytime they don't get their way.

Heather and Greg are people who I can really hang out with, Neemo and Landis too. I hope that this goes on, but the one thing that could top this off is if she says yes, if she gives me just one chance. How can I prove to anyone how I can be in a relationship if no one ever wants to give me a chance. Maybe before school starts I can tell her. Maybe.