Today has been shit, utter and painful shit. And through it all I realize how much I hate this world and these people, I want to be gone away from here, far away and I know that it can't happen. I want to be sleep right now, I want to drift away but I need to get this out, I need to do this last thing. Okay, I think I mentioned the party that I attended a few days ago with Heather, I met this amazing girl there, and its only becoming more and more clear how amazing but I don't even think I can do a damn thing about it.
It's not that I don't think I can, it's that even if I was motivated I wouldn't know what to do. And there's still my other friend, I never got to tell her how i felt, I never got to say anything to her about it. I don't know if I will. I suck at finding the right moment and I think I realize why, there is no moment when you can magically tell someone how you feel about them and they will just be enthrawled with you and fall head over heels.
The way it works is if you have money, or a good job, or a fast car or can offer some kind of service the average person will just take you, guy or girl, it doesn't matter as long as you fit the requirment the most need to have. It could be that you are good in bed, extremely gorgeous or that you can cook like nobody else. Someone out there will love you for it. Me, I can't do anything. What kind of woman love a writer. Let alone one like me.
Nicole told me to hang in there and that things would get better, as if there is going to be some sudden high point in my life. Sometime ago, I must have had some kind of high point, something that really peaked and was the greatest moment in my life. Something where I really could be proud. Now, after that, this is my twilight. I'm on my down hill slope now, things for me are just moving this direction because this is the only one to move.
Maybe when I accept that this will just be easier. But I don't think I can, I don't think I want to be this way and I know its hard not to. I don't know what to do. There is a lot going through my mind right now, if I fail at these next little instances I will know to give up, but there was a sign a while back, I spoke of it already. Maybe that really meant something...
1 comment:
I'll have you know that my boyfriend Jack was a writer, and I've never been more in love in my life... I can't say I've ever loved anyone for material purposes, for qualities I admired or, I'm sorry to say, for good sex. Not everyone is like that, Justin--and if it happens that they are, I can guarantee you that is not the sort of person you want in your life. Treating your life as if it's in decline strikes me as the framework for a self-fulfilling prophecy--you always give in to self doubt. You're turning your dilemma with women into Plato's cave, believing in only what is placed before you. Because you only see yourself having problems with women, you accept it as a factual condition. You're so fixated on not being alone... so stop thinking about it for a while. Love is an elusive thing, especially if you're forever walking around with your eyes open hoping to stumble into it.
Just work on enjoying life as it is now. Then worry about everything else.
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