I Am Jack's Split Hate

A New Year is under way and I am supposed to be in bed right now. But I had this on my chest. I had something to get out and for those of you out there who know anything about being a writer, its when you have something to say that its hardest. You can't think about much besides what it is you want to get out and you just have to do it.

I talked with Nicole some earlier over instant messenger and I don't know how it came up but she was telling me why she thinks that I come off bad to girls and it didn't upset me, I just never realized that I come off that way. She said I seem desperate and like I don't care who I end up with, there's too much to really go into at this early and hour. But the things she was saying shocked me because I'm not thinking that.

I might seem like I will just take anyone, but I really don't want to. I don't think many people realize that I look for certain things and when I find them I look at the girl and go, Yeah she would be great for me! But I quickly realize that it's never going to happen and give up on it. I mean the girls I like don't want me, so why should I waste my time trying. I have gone out of my way and bent over backwards, I've tried playing it cool, I've tried not being obvious and in the end the only one hurt is me.

I'm not doing what I want right now, I'm just doing all that I figure I can, I might as well settle because I'm obviously not worth the time of these other girls. Something can't be wrong with all of the girls I like, a lot of them are really sweet girls, some of them it was just an issue of bad timing, and most of the time, its all on me. For those of you who don't know, when I make jokes about myself, when I talk about being insecure or say something that sounds funny, there is no joke. I don't like me, I don't like how I am, who I am, how I look and I don't even like the way I act think or anything else you can think of. I still think I can do a few little things good, like write.

But I don't really have enough invested in myself to work with and I don't see me going anywhere. I mean when you're parents tell you you're a failure and that you're just going to fuck up, and you have so called friends who only kept you around because you were quote easily manipulated. How the fuck would you feel? Would you want to trust others? Would you want anything to do with most people?

When you feel like crying just because you realize how shitty so many of the people you picked to spend your time with are, and that you're just bad at everything, even meeting people; what would you do? How do you get up from a fall when you were still reeling on the ground from the last when you took the current one.

So when my friend tells me that from the outside it looks like I don't like women and I am bitter towards them it hurts, not because I don't want to come off that way, and don't get me wrong, I do not want to come off that way. But because on the inside I feel like I don't deserve these other women, I don't deserve anyone I have or have had a crush on. I don't deserve Nicole because she's strong and independant and I'm not, I don't deserve Kristina because she needs someoen caring and sweet, that's not me at all. I don't deserve...God if I keep this up I will go on for ten pages. The point of the matter is this is how I feel on the inside, this is what I see when I wake up this is what I sturggle with and this is why I am how I am. I don't hate everyone else, I only hate some people, and most of them deserve it. But I hate myself most of all because look how bad things have turned out!

This life is what I have made it, this is my grave that I dug and continued to dig despite the warning signs blarring like so many bright sirens and I am just going to have to lay in it.