I Am One of Jack's Many Uses...

Talking and just saying thing out loud can be very thearputic, my new friends taught me that. Dealing with people who I can talk to and who treat me with at least a little respect, that's what I always need to try and find. In the coruse of my life I think that a lot has shaped who I am, very few times I have gone over the things in here that I think really pushed me to be a certain way.

I look at some of the people around me and I see ambition, love, greed, selfishness, a sense of worth and so many other things from different people. I get so fed up and I don't know where to go, what to do. Earlier I went to IHOP with Heather and her boyfriend Greg, we sat and we talked, and then the waitress that we know there she even sat and talked with us. I felt relieved. I felt like there was something that I could do and a way I could make it.

I need to change who I am in some ways, I need to work on my outlook of others and how I seem to think about things. I have been in so many bad places in friendships over the years and I have suffered the consequences most of the time, and they have been harsh, they snowball and build into a monumental monster. That monster is hard to face when you have no where to look and no one trust, and that's just what that monster is. Everytime you get betrayed, everytime someone shits on you and you just befriend them and let them do it again, that's what you let come into you more.

Somehow I know what that will do to me. Any person can only take so much. When will I have enough and be that old bitter man who hates everyone, lonely, never married, never even really loved? All I have to give is care, all I want to be is there for my good friends and take them further than they thought they could go. I'm not attractive, very smart or funny; but if I can just help someone I care about out, even if its just for a little while. If I can soothe one tear or make someone feel like their not worth nothing, I did something and I can go to my grave knowing I was not a waste. Because you can outlive everyone and do everything that there is to do, but if you don't care about other people, you will die empty and alone.

What was that line from Firefly, You can take a boat up into the skies but its Love that keeps her up, and if you don't Love she will die on your right where you stand. That should be close enough.

I still hurt, just as much as I did last night, and I still feel the same about myself, but at least I will not be useless.