Met a girl at a party the other night thought I don’t think I have the means to really chase after anyone right now. The Russian girl and I are pretty much done because she didn’t understand that I couldn’t drive seventy miles to come see her every day after I had been at work ten hours.
But enough of that, I got to debut the new camera at the party and Rickey was debuting his new costume. Here is how things turned out.
Carly was the first dog I had that was honestly my own. She was a puppy when we got her and her sister and she was always the adventurous one. She loved to climb and was friendlier and sweeter than her sister Tina.
I don’t think I’ve ever seen a dog with more personality. There were her little quirks like loving to ride in golf cars or tractors or putting clothes in her own water bowl for whatever reason. She was just a really odd dog, but she was smart and loved and anyone who came over couldn’t help but play with her.
My mom called me Saturday to say Carly had died and we really didn’t go to find out how. But I knew I needed to bury her. I couldn’t touch her body I had to have a friend help me and I put her out back on top of a small hill (she liked to be up high). I think I feel a little silly because I miss her so much and its embarrassing I guess but I don’t care, I really loved her and she was just a great dog. I went out with friends Saturday night to help me not think about it but its bothering me and it will for a while. I really, honestly loved Carly and people might find it stupid to say that because they think she was just an animal or she probably didn’t understand love.
But Carly had a way of acting like she understood. Back when Tina died years ago she was so sad and she wouldn’t go outside in the dark alone for about a year and a half because that was where something got Tina. If you said Tina even years later she would just look at you. And when I was down she would come and just cuddle up and there’s some comfort in that. So here’s to Carly, you’ll be missed girl.
I went ahead and purchased an iPOD and a Canon SLR camera, both things I have wanted for a long while now. The thing is that I want to get back into photography and that was what held me back, lack of a real camera. So expect this place to become more laden with photos. Except pretty girls, couples, kids laughing, beaches, shitty sunsets, very little of my stupid face and a lot of new stories.
I’ve lined up some friends to help me in the form of models…lets see how this works out.
I’m in and out of the house it seems like a lot more lately. I think that part of it was not having a computer to anchor me here for that little bit of time but I think there’s something to be said about the other things I’ve been trying to do now.
The whole dating thing is okay, that’s the only word I can use for it. Okay. I mean it occupies time but I can tell as of right now my heart’s not in it and the only girls I seem to be able to fall head over heels for are the ones I know right off the bat I can’t have.
For the weekend I stopped writing because I was just stressed and didn’t feel in the mood to deal with tearing my own work apart and dissecting the subtle nuances of something I wrote. I need to get back into the swing. I need to come out with my hands up and knock this one out of the park because its all I can do.
Work’s taking a toll on me though. I used to be able to maintain a pleasant demeanor through anything but people seem so careless and there’s no end to their difficult nature. They want you to help them but don’t want to listen or do anything. They want the problem fixed but hate the solution no matter how simplistic…
I’ve run out of false sympathy for people who can’t get a remote to work because they’re too dumb to follow instructions.
This is just an update, just a little bit about how I’ve been. So I guess that’s that.
Well my computer, jokingly named Monica, finally kicked the bucket about a week ago. If you’re wondering what I am typing this on…let’s just say its her younger, hotter, faster sister. Though as of yet she doesn’t have a name yet.
Luckily I retained my files and monitor (I have two of them side by side now) and this new computer is actually pretty fast. Only issue is my old hard drive locked some of my files to protect them and I can’t get at some of the pictures and videos.
This also slowed my editing process down a lot. I printed out the first copy of my novel a while back, the most expensive copy anyone will probably every buy of it. (It cost me 30$)
It was done at Kinkos/Fed Ex and its basically a spiral notebook with fancy paper my novel is printed on. I actually think this will be my new editing tradition. As of right now, I’m at page 125/199 so I’ve made good progress!
Around this time of year I always feel renewed and just so alive. Its because of the cold, I know. I work in reverse. If I have seasonal depression it’s the sun and the heat that take their emotional toll on me. I feel like a new man when the mercury dips below sixty for that first time and the whole world feels like magic.
The date is tomorrow and I’m excited. We talked on the phone some tonight and I feel like if I can pull this off then I can make it through another week of Hell at work.
Sorry, but my job feels so meaningless. Like I’m doing the same thing, solving the same problems and I can look right there and see the person has been calling because they keep causing the problem and even if they never call again I will get the same problems over and over.
I’m good at my job dammit, but there’s not much to be good at. I can do most things without the aid of the steps and scripts and that frees me up for working on plotting out writing and occasionally reading. Things will get better. I know it.
I met a girl.
She’s twenty-two and moved here from Russia about two years ago and she seems really nice. There’s a slight language barrier but its not enough to keep me from talking to her and its definitely not enough to over shadow the fact that she’s pretty and sweet.
With my latest ventures in relationships being kind of failures every since the break up…whenever that happened. I don’t remember all that well, but since then I’ve had a hard time attracting the right kind of girls until now.
Sometimes I worry that I don’t care enough about certain things. When I was broken up with, I went home and played games and talked to my best friend, I even forgot to tell him at first. Some of you still don’t know because I didn’t bother to make it a big deal. I have a better memory when I last talked to Maddy than when I broke up and I guess its just because my friends who I have known a while mean more to me.
But then when someone hears that, they feel like I’m in the wrong for not being all sad and getting down on myself. I didn’t get mad at the girl or try and fight to keep her. I just said okay, its fine. And that was it. I wonder how I would have reacted four years ago?
This new girl seems really cool and I’m going to the zoo with her Sunday. Her idea, you all know how I hate being outside and animals larger than myself.
In other news I think I might assemble a review blog, find people to help me review stuff and use it to get my opinions out there. I wish I had thought of this before this season of Doctor Who, so now I’ll be stuck reviewing American TV…oh well.
Thanks to them canceling last minute overtime I got to sleep a little longer than I would normally have. Though it only seemed to barely matter.
As it turns out, I think I am ready to just give up on talking to that girl from work. She seems to be the kind of person that I just wouldn’t get along with and on top of that she has a nasty habit of ignoring me and I’m not going to spend my time trying to get some girl’s attention…
The way I see it, ignoring someone whom you don’t know when they speak directly to is a pretty childish thing to do and if someone doesn’t have the common manners to act on the base instinct to respond I don’t think I will have the patience to put into her.
I don’t want to go the route of that one friend of mine and act like he’s God’s gift to women and they should all come to him bearing gifts. But when I try and make normal conversation with you the least you could do is respond.
And I know that the way things are with the internet and text messaging, culture has become about when and when not to respond. But it seems like she only added me on facebook and responds to me at work so that I won’t ask why she didn’t respond or pester her. If the case is she thinks I’m pestering her well then I guess we don’t need to talk anymore.
Before any of you jump on me about my support of Obama, let me say this is not about that. This is about the racism, hatred and bigotry often directed at him in a way that is undeserved and just outright stupid. I claim no political allegiance and do actually agree with some conservative ideas. But I feel like these people are not just a bad representation of Conservatism and Americans...they're a bad representation of human beings.
This is a real post from facebook and these comments have not been doctored in any way. It was posted on my wall by someone whom I've deleted from my friends list but I thought it was important that people online see what kind of people are out there and understand what racism and hared look like.
And this is actually publicly shared anyone with or without facebook can see it:
http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=2079629109537&set=p.2079629109537&type=1&ref=nf
BTW, anyone ever notice the direct correlation between being a racist and being bad at photoshop?
Just that fast I feel like I can actually function again. I slept for the better part of a day and took some Nyquil, that worked out very well for me.
So I was looking over some things on Facebook and I noticed someone whom I used to be friends with was posted in a picture by another person. I haven’t spoken to her in years, though we used to be friends. I drove her to work and even developed a crush on her roommate. What was odd about the whole thing was the way it ended.
I gave her and the roommate gifts for Christmas, sweaters. I had only wanted to get one for the roommate, but I decided to do it for both. Some boyfriend she had at the time got jealous and angry with her over it and she blamed me for her boyfriend’s lack of confidence despite the fact that she knew I had no interest in her. She later said it was my fault that we weren’t friends even though I never tried to stop talking to her.
What I find odd about all of this is how people will be so quick to forget any good you did for them and any of the fun you had. I even tried talking to her years later and she completely ignored me, even when a mutual friend asked her about it (I didn’t tell him too, he did it on his own).
Not really sure why I should even mention this here. In all honesty I wouldn’t want to be this person’s friend anymore and I ultimately gave more than I ever got back out of her. I guess what bothers me is that I feel like the kind of thing that happened sort of reflects a lot of the relationships with friends I have had over the years. This one not even being the most noteworthy.
I have been sick since Tuesday, but the last two days have been the worst over all. I had to stay home from work because I just couldn’t muster the energy to move around and I couldn’t see straight. I had a fever and I haven’t eaten since about thirty hours ago because I just don’t feel hungry. I know I need food, I understand that but all I seem able to really want to do is drink things like water or juice.
From about six in the morning till nine at night I was sleep. I don’t think I’ve ever moved around so little in my life. I feel like I’m on the up swing from it all right now. My body isn’t quite as sore and besides a mild headache and a cough I feel much, much better. By tomorrow I need to be 100%, I have to work five till ten.
I guess I had better attempt to find some food.
The problem I have with discussing things with people online is the high tendency that they have toward saying something that is a completely uneducated guess.
Please, don’t use logic or reason when talking with me. Just throw all your crazy in a blender, press purée and see what comes out!
The with which I am floored by something still shocks me. The things that open old wounds are astounding. I was using my phone today and in going through one of my apps I ran across something that just caused me to sit in the car and think.
It’s hard when you remember someone or something you don’t want to. I’ve lost friends and family and sometimes even just thinking about a time when you had something you shouldn’t have squandered can temporarily tear you down.
I came home on a mission after that.
I had to get some work done. I had to make myself get back on my feet and continue to plow through it. Despite the sore throat and my lack of desire to eat due to the sore throat, I can still put my fingers on this keyboard. I can still write.
And now the novel has surged past the one hundred thousand work mark again. Looks like its back to trimming.
And back to soldiering on.
I don’t usually review anything, I thought I wouldn’t be one of those blogs that did that but then again I have had this thing for several years now and maybe I need to switch it up a little bit.
I’ve watched the first three episodes of Luther over the last few days and am working my way through the fourth right now. All I can say is as a police procedural its brilliant and as a show its brilliant. The basic gist of the show is that John Luther played by actor Idris Elba is a detective who gets too passionately involved in his cases which has caused him to have a history of instability in both his work and personal life.
Probably the single greatest thing I can say about this is that its unpredictable at times. I am usually good at seeing what’s up around the bend but this one throws some unexpected punches in there. The acting is fantastic and really the atmosphere is too. I would say anyone who loves a good thriller, a good psychological drama or a good cop show will love this.
And when I finish the first season I will tell you my thoughts.
I’ve been working back over the story slowly and there’s been something jumping out at me all over the place. My story has the thematic makings of a Cosmic Horror story more than I could have ever imagined.
About a week ago I made the choice to go that route because I noticed a few things that matched up. Now that I am reading back over this I keep finding more and more.
The actual editing is going very slowly because I find it hard to read my own writing. I am better about it and more impartial all this time later. But the more I look into it the more I realize I need to get cracking and really buckle down to get something done. Most novels, I would imagine, die at this stage. There’s so much work in editing and most of writing seems to be in the editing.
So now I’m actually on my way to making this work. I just have to keep it up.
I am thinking I need someplace to review the stuff I watch. I have a lot to say and it seems that watching some movies and shows really puts me in a reviewing mood. Doctor Who was amazing and it really has got me thinking that I might want to get in on this web reviewing thing, why not.
I will try and think on that a while and in the meantime I’ll work on my own writing.
Lately I’ve been reading a lot of Neil Gaiman, the man’s a master of using a little but making it go a long way. And watching Doctor Who and Sherlock recently has really taught me that writing and shows and movies just need emotion. Bad ass plots and characters will get you a long way, but emotion will elevate you to an entirely new plane.
Reading has always helped me to write better. It’s kind of like it charges me up. Part of me has garnered a new respect for the Cosmic Horror Story and I want to incorporate elements of that genre into my own writing. I think that it really fits with the backstory that’s already there and it would make sense with what I’m doing.
But the really important thing I want to do is make sure that the emotion is there, because without that I don’t think anything else matters.
I was hunting around Danboru the other day for a poses and came across these. Not sure who drew them, not sure what they’re from but they are very, very well drawn. Not sure if there is much else to say about it.
It’s becoming so obvious why we don’t have more smart television. The viewing audience is entirely too stupid to understand what they’re watching most of the time. When you look back at the popular shows over the last few years they have been rather devoid of intelligence in a lot of ways. Take Lost where they really didn’t answer half the ideas that they poised.
It’s worrying because Doctor Who is starting to suffer the same fate as so many other smart shows, the fans are revolting because of it and some of them are calling things plot holes when they’re just missing the plot…entirely.
Writing my own book has caused me to worry about the whole “is the plot too ambitious” thing and I really think that its sad you have to worry about that. A lot of the time what you’re aiming for isn’t that lofty. It’s just that people are so used to pretty graphics and plots filled with clichés being spoon fed to them to get them through their TV time.
Thinking is something that’s dying out in entertainment media.
“It’s not racism, its just my preference—I don’t date X men/women.”
You hear people say this, see them say it on sites and some obviously think it by how they act about things when it comes to race and dating. The “its not racism…” opener usually means you’re about say something at least vaguely racist. Saying “I’m not racist but Chinese people are mean” doesn’t make you not racist.
I understand preferences in looks, we all have them. But you mean to tell me that if you met someone of a certain race that was perfect except for they were a race that’s not your preference, you would drop them based on that one thing. There’s attractive people of every race, so its hard to say you couldn’t find one in that race. And the idea of worrying about what others think about you is actually rooted in racism too.
When you look at the preference thing, I usually don’t find far eastern Asian women that attractive but if I found the perfect women for myself and she happened to be Asian I would be a fool not to speak to her based on race.
I think people need to get out of their boxes of conventionalism and look more to being open minded in ways that actually mean something. “Not my preference…” sounds like an excuse for you to be racist without having to say so and if you’re not willing to at least give someone a look because they happen to be white, black, Asian, Hispanic, Arabic or whatever…then you should just call it what it is.
I am beginning to think that Doctor Who is my perfect show. I just can’t imagine it being better than when I’m curled up watching Matt Smith and Karen Gillian run around.
She is smart, quirky, gorgeous and personable. Her creative side is alive, flamboyant and in-your-face. She’s got a following of friends and a good-girl past that’s sent ripples through the surface of everything she does. I’ve never witnessed her being nasty or rude to someone and she’s always been respectful and nice to me.
The woman is unattainable perfection. That awkward duckling who grew up to be everything I crave in a friend and another person. I can’t tell her this because for the past six years or so we’ve been pretty much just friends even when we were out for Valentines or talking on the phone late at night.
There are the kinds of friends you feel like you deserve and the kind of girls whom you think you could get, she’s never been either.
And what keeps me from hoping for more, truthfully, is the fact that she and I are unfathomable together. But she’s a good friend, supportive, helpful and true.
It seems like when I’m dealt someone truly amazing that I want to keep around its always got these dire consequences attached.
For as long as I can remember wanting to get married and have kids, I’ve always wanted daughters and not sons. Now I know that to most men the idea of having a daughter isn’t want they want to do. For some it might be because they fear the bad karma of what they did to women coming back on them.
I really can’t say I’ve done too much to women.
The scary thing to me about having a little girl and the fact that she would have to grow up is the kind of things that happen with boys, the kinds of things kids do when they’re in love or when they think their in love and the need some other kids have to take advantage of that. It can hurt being a guy, but it always seemed like the shame that was lumped on my friends that were girls was always worse than it would have been in the same situation for boys.
And that’s what scares me, the fact that in 2011 the world is showing no sign of being where it should be where women are concerned. We have cases of women being cheated out of their money in the work place, we have cases of young girls being made to apologize to their rapists in person and we have a society that shuns a man for engaging in dog fighting and champions one who has beaten his girlfriend to the point she goes to the Hospital.
I don’t want my little girl growing up in a world like this one. Hell, I don’t want my little boy growing up in it.
At least in the modern sense, video games are moving more toward the multiplayer online genre than they are the play at home alone games. It used to be something that you did alone and there was sometimes a story, sometimes it was you versus the computer and that’s it and sometimes you even learned something, that was rarer. Recently though the whole thing is about playing against others in competition and really I feel like it’s a bit of a waste because there was so much potential in the stories that could be told and the things that could be done but its often squandered on these new games without any story at all. So much so, that games that do have stories throw something together just to sell with the multiplayer component.
It seemed like I used to put so many hours into a game…and get something cool out. What do I have to show for winning against a bunch of people I don’t know? There’s no story, the characters are usually clichés or archetypes propped up to give some appearance of character or style.
I feel like there’s little to no incentive to make a story when the average person only plays the game to unlock something. It feels like an entire aspect of a medium is dying…
Not the planet from that shitty movie.
I’m talking about the music application and website. Its seriously one of the best inventions in recent years online. I would say since You Tube. I mean I spend so much time listening to it and its easily better than the real radio. For one I’m not subjected to endless commercials or bullshit I don’t want to hear.
Pandora is the future.
I can’t really understand the whole thing people say about not looking for relationships and that’s when you find them. It’s the common little phrase, “once you start looking that’s when you find someone.”
It’s bullshit, you don’t normally find anything by not looking for it. I think that the only way to get something good is to work for it, not sure why relationships would be any different.
I’m at the point that I don’t know if I can deal with people’s BS anymore and really I would think I wouldn’t have to most of the time but it’s a constant issue. People are too busy telling you all of the minor details of something you don’t care to know or they’re preaching at you about something that if you had wanted advice on you would have asked.
Having time off from work is a blessing that I really don’t think I can be thankful enough for, at the same time I don’t know how I make it through the days at work some of the time. Jobs shouldn’t be there to place undue stress on you and then pay you too little for what you do.
I’m working it out in my head, which is all I seem to ever be doing. But I need to find another course of action, what I really want is out of this state—in every since of the word. It’s strange to be proud and love a place for so many reasons and hate it at the same time. It seems that realistically it is people that ruin everything. They ruin jobs, they ruin good shows, books and movies; and more often than not they make things harder for, and ruin each other.
Most of all I’m tired of trying in a lot of ways too.
I doubt you’re reading this but things are bad over in your country right now and people really can’t seem to agree why. Some of them are blaming race while the good money is on poverty. I heard it didn’t get so bad in your own city, but I am not sure where you’re at exactly right now…so this is just me saying despite everything that’s happened you’re still in my prayers and I hope to God you’re okay and safe through all of this.
Stay safe, M.
For a moment I wasn’t sure if I would come back here. July was a very hard month and there’s nothing harder than thinking for so long you’ve lost all ability to care only to find out how very wrong you are. I lost my Grandmother and a friend all in one month, I wasn’t sure what I was going to do with the changes and all I can tell now is that there will be a hole in my life. One I don’t think I can cover up.
I went through a breakup too, though that effected me less than any break up ever has. I was proud of myself for how I handled it considering that it happened right after I had gotten back from the funeral. I used to think I weak when it came to those things, but I guess I’m not.
Losing one of my best friends after all of this though, it felt like having my heart ripped out and I didn’t know what response to take and use. I’ve chosen to do what I’ve always done…with one distinct difference, I’ll make her proud. Even if I never speak to her again, I’ll make sure of that. Because I was always proud of her and I always thought she was a good friend, I still do.
It seems July has been a bad month for all, the economy on the verge of collapse, the Middle East seems to be boiling back over into a state of deeper war, and countless other problems. I know in the large scope of things I’m not that bad off. But doesn’t someone saying that kind of piss you off? I mean it doesn’t matter that you’re not, it still hurts and even if you know people are suffering more—is that supposed to make you feel better?
What kind of sick fuck revels in that?
All I can say is that there’s one other thing to do: love. I love my friends, even those I can’t talk to. Even if all I can do for them is pray. And, yes, that even means you, you brilliant girl. Because you taught me more about myself and life than I can repay you for. And my family and friends here, I can huddle them closer, because let’s face it. It’s an ever dwindling number. And I can write, I need to write its all I have in me that can solve my problems now. Writing is a way out of this life, it’s a way to make something of myself and for myself. It’s a way I can take pride in something I’ve done and have those around me feel proud too.
Stepping back and taking a look at my life, all I can say is that there will come a day, hopefully soon, when I can actually feel I’ve done something right and maybe then I’ll see what others are talking about when they mention me.
I don’t know when I started to fail so hard at writing a lot. I guess it has to do with the work and the like. But I need to get back in the game and do something more ambitious and like what I was doing before. So that’s what today is about.
It doesn’t matter if its fan fiction or more novel work, but I need to be writing.
I had about a three hour conversation with an old friend the other day. And we chatted about all manner of things. Hell, before that we talked on texts half of the day and it just felt really good to hear from her and hear her voice again and it kind of reminded me of what I loved about old times talking to her, I wish we could talk like that all of the time again.
It feels really good to have another person who writes to talk to, even if its just us talking about bullshit. I feel like we have common ground and a similar place to start from. She and I met at that awkward stage in my life when I needed someone who was of like mind and she was but I always felt like she was my better—still do. She was beautiful and smart and just seemed super ambitious and those are things (with the exception of beautiful) that I’m still really chasing after.
Beauty I don’t think I could achieve within reason plus its strange to be a beautiful man really.
Been going through and looking for people who were appropriate to model the look of characters after. Its kind of a hobby of mine, I mean no other way to describe it, I kind of like the idea of going through all of the pictures of well known and not-so-well-known people and just think “they look like X from my story” or “they look like what I would imagine X to look like from this”.
Its kind of like when I first saw Bonnie Gruesen and I thought she looked more like what I pictured Hermione to be than what I’d seen most places. Its kind of the same for my own story. Sometimes I see people who embody the character more than my own imagination.
Sadly I have lost some pictures, like the one of Lewis. But I do have two to show. One of Holly and the other of one of my D&D characters, Cissinei.
Kind of a lame blog, I know huh? Anyway, let’s get started with Miss Cissinei Saint-John
These are, of course, pictures of a girl in modern clothing. But Cissinei is actually from a world closer to 14-16th century Europe. The girl in the photo’s is Nicole Weaver, an actress.
The other person I was talking about, Holly Prescott, from the novel (the one I should be working on right now) basically looks like this.
This is actress Louise Brealey of Sherlock fame. Though the shows only like three episodes and they need to make more because I’m running out of things to watch.
Well that’s all for now.
Before there’s any trouble at all, I want to make it clear that this isn’t a slight at homosexuals or anything like that in the least bit. This is strictly a thing that has to do with a trend that seems to have gotten worse and worse over my years on the internet, which is basically every since it got to be the popular thing to do.
I remember with some fondness when the Fan Fiction.net site initially launched and it was probably the most glorious collection of fiction I had ever seen. Everything I liked to watch and read and play had stories on that site and possibilities seemed endless. I wasn’t there when Deviant Art launched but I joined in mid 2005 and have been going back every since. But you don’t have to have seen those sites to notice the trend I’m going to talk about although it will help.
What I mean to make mention of is how there is this very apparent trend of turning every set of characters into homosexuals. Characters that have little more to prove there’s any attraction than the fact they hang around each other. Not sure if there’s any numbers, but when it comes down to it I feel like the men on men stories are much more common than women on women, and while there’s nothing overtly wrong with these stories even, the obsession seems unnatural and it even seems to think that there’s some chance that there couple will see fulfillment on screen.
Now I really won’t go into talking about anime because they often add in little gay bits and little bits for every set of possible couples to boost their readership, it’s a bit of a sad trick and a cheap way to get readers, but its what’s going on in things like Naruto where no matter what the writer might do, there will more than likely be no real couples at the end of the story.
When I talk about this I mean shows like Doctor Who and people thinking the Doctor belongs with the Master. Or those people out there who love the Draco Harry pairing, which usually has some kind of abuse attached to it, there are Sonic and Shadow pairings out there and really just about any pair of male characters, good or bad, has a following for their pairing.
Despite most of them having no hint at all of being gay. I can’t get there the idea for this comes from but a lot of the time it seems to say something sort of bad about gays even though the girls who love the stuff (mostly its girls it seems) will swear its positive about gays.
Tell me how is it positive to portray gays as abusive, sex crazed monsters, much of the time the gay relationship is set off by someone evil, the Master, Shadow, Draco or Doctor Moriarty from Sherlock (The BBC show). Granted there were some parts that suggested and joked about Sherlock being gay, but the show creators meant them as a joke. But the internet seems to be filled with art of Watson and Sherlock and Moriarty having threesomes and the like.
The Wikipedia article on Sherlock has this to say:
Some dialogue in the first episode suggested that in this version the character Sherlock Holmes is homosexual. For instance, Holmes responds to Watson's query about his relationship status with "Girlfriend? No, not really my area". Their landlady apparently believes they are a couple, informing them "There's another bedroom upstairs ... that is if you'll be needing one". Steven Moffat denied any sexual relationship is implied between the two, while Cumberbatch says that they "do allude to the idea that there may be a 'misunderstanding' from other people who think we're a couple". Moffat continued, "It's just that thing of two blokes hanging around together living together – in this nice modern world it leads to people saying, 'Oh, are they a couple?' And that's nice. I thought how the world has changed, there is no disapproval. How much more civilized the world has become".
Now I know that its not just a new interpretation thing. In the past people have expressed thoughts that Iago from Othello might be homosexual and there were people who pointed out homosexual tendencies and allusions in the in Victor Frankenstein and his Monster. It seems that in classic literature that there is usually more to go on than there just being two men and in these cases often the character seem as the one with the longing isn’t in a relationship or ever shown to have one that really goes anywhere.
In many of the examples above the characters are shown to be straight and there’s usually not the same kind of duality between them as there is between someone like Othello and Iago.
And more importantly, when you look at the modern examples it seems that the biggest part of the relationship is the sexual aspects. The deepness and spirituality of things rarely makes it into all of these stories and pieces and a lot of the time being gay is treated as all cakes and rainbows and no one in these fictional worlds seems to question how this came about or why there was no sign of it before when it does happen.
Maybe somewhere out there people have really researched this trend and typed up some kind of distinct report about what’s going on and why and where it came from. It would be nice to know that this isn’t something I’ve just imagined, though I’m sure its not. It would also be nice to know I didn’t notice it alone.
Does anyone else think its just some silly trend that will pass or at least come with better writing as and reasons as it goes on? Or will it become more prevalent and totally without reason IE: characters that have never interacted are suddenly commonly gay for each other and recognized as such across the fandom?
I don’t really like this notion that there’s not a good reason to be up after a certain time or that anything going on after 12 AM is sinister. I went through this argument with my parents and pretty much every older person I know. They have this old world idea that top be a good, productive member of society that you need to be up by eight in the morning for some reason.
Even though anyone who lives in a modern country should know that’s rubbish.
There are twenty-four hour pharmacists and other businesses where someone has to be manning the store or working the place. Emergency rooms are open all night, where would we be with out round the clock Police, Fire and other workers like that?
And as I’ve said it before, I write better a night. When its two in the morning I feel like I’ve hit a real stride and I’m on the way to penning something better than I would at two in the afternoon. Writing has been called The Midnight Disease and rightfully so. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with someone for wanting to be up at night, I don’t think it makes their intent more sinister.
Hell, if we’re going to talk about sinister, all of the bankers and the like that helped to profit from the failures of others were probably working nine to fives like society says they should, how sweet of them.
I’ll continue to live by the schedule I keep now until some change in my life that actually makes sense dictates otherwise. I will make sure that there’s nothing from outside influencing something as simple as the hours I keep and when I choose to work and eat and sleep.
Its been a long time since I really got on this thing and wrote, there’s not much to say right now really. One would assume if I haven’t found time to come on here and talk about my life or anything else, then life must be really good or really bad. Well it’s the former.
But that’s not the reason why I haven’t been around.
Life has been busy, lots of talking on the phone now with the new girlfriend. A lot of working and not enough time at night for me to come in and really write like I want to. I really have a lot to do but I don’t know when life will calm back down to the point that I can do something about it. Especially when it comes to my writing.
I’ve been taking baby steps though, writing a little bit at a time and working my way back up from the beginning. I’ve decided to go back through and rewrite the vital parts and rework some of the rest. I am working on what I want to change and I still want to finish it on the same time scale I have been saying for a while but the difference is I need to work faster now and step my game up to make sure that I meet my own deadline.
Though I’ve never had issue with it before.
I’ve decided that I pretty much want out of the online discussions about most shows I watch. I can’t handle the total abundance of stupidity people have for the material they’re watching and the fact that their opinions don’t drive the show.
You can ask someone for a fact about a show or book or movie and get something that never happened and is completely embellished by their need for X. I could sit here and give examples and break down the difference between what you think and want to happen and what actually has happened. I could talk about how the motivations given in the source material are more than likely right when they are given at all and just because it makes something you want look more likely, doesn’t mean anyone else is going to buy what you’re selling.
But really the issue isn’t all of that, it isn’t even that I think only my opinion is right or that I care so little for the opinions of most people on most things. Its just that half of the discussions amount to arguments about feelings and I don’t want to argue with someone about how I feel over something so asinine.
I just wanted to stop in and say that I found out that Katie De Soua whom I’ve known about on Deviant Art for some time has been working for Riot games and drawing the art splashes for League of Legends.
You can see the work here.
I had Green Desire draw me a commissioned piece of Holly Prescott from the novel. As most of you know I’m always excited to have someone do a commission for me of one of my characters and in the past I’ve posted some of their work, with the link to their pages of course. Well I wanted to post this one and I wanted to say that she is just awesome, the detail that she’s got in these pieces, especially in the fast is nothing short of amazing. Here’s a small version of the Holly picture.
Of course, click her to make it bigger. But that’s still not the full size of what she did really. Here are some detail shots.
Those are full sized detailed images of the face and hands there, I just love her work. Thanks again Green Desire!
I am starting to see that the more I have to do and the more I have on my plate the easier it becomes to sort out what I like doing and what’s important. I have limited time during the week when I’m off work so I don’t typically want to bullshit around anymore. And while I love my job it doesn’t leave me much time for the things I have to do such as writing because my ability to write seems to be based on the time of day lately. I can’t do anything worthwhile before nine PM.
I’ve been missing some of my friends though, some of the online ones and some of the ones who have moved away. What’s more shocking is the people I don’t miss, the people I might not see again and it seems I don’t care all that much about it. I guess that could be seen as cruel but many of them were more trouble than its worth.
I got a new phone this week and the first thing I did with it was send a few emails and try some skype calling out, the next thing I did was delete some old contacts. The funny thing is that even though one of my contacts has been dead for over a year and one has changed her number recently I don’t want to delete them for some reason. Both of them are still important to me and one them I still talk to.
Some others I talk to regularly just got the boot, I didn’t care to keep them around because what was there was so superficial and right now I’m just not looking for that.
One thing I want to shoot out there before I go is that my life is entering a new phase, or so I would like to think. I hope things keep looking up because its been years since I could last say they did before this.
With the recent Earthquake in Japan and the unrest over seas the one thing that is constantly surprising is how the news tries to make everything about us. Not that these things don’t effect us, they do and they should. But they don’t effect us in the selfish way that many news outlets would have you believe. It used to be that you could watch something like Glenn Beck and get his looniness spread out over the course of an hour but then other shows would be more grounded. Now he’s gotten worse and all other news here seems to be following that trend.
Everything is world ending panic. Everything is going to get us, radiation, terrorists, storms, the economy. Sometimes there’s a conspiracy between groups to get us and other times they’re all just working individually.
Here in Houston they’ve debuted this anchor free news cast that’s little more than the daily news with a voice over from some creepy guy while scary music plays and they fear-monger it up about all of the ways you or your family could die.
And before I wrap this up, on the subject of Glenn Beck. I watched about a ten minute portion of his show the other day. Oddly enough he mentioned France and England but didn’t bad mouth them. Instead he claimed the Germans are plotting to rile up the Middle East with some pictures of dead Muslims from the war zone, like eleven years of that stuff never happened and this is the first time anyone over there has ever been killed, and he’s claiming it’s a German plot to put the world against the US, UK and France.
This man is a stark raving lunatic. He should be doing that show from a padded cell and I think given time, the inevitable conclusion we can come to is that we’re going to turn on the television one night to see Glenn Beck talking to and playing with his dick and he’s going to do that for an entire hour and then say. “Alright Shepard Smith! Back to you!” and that will be it. I don’t know how anyone can listen to and believe this man and his Da Vinci Code-esque rants (they’re about as badly plotted out as the book was too).
News like him is the problem with America.
My first real day of work wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be, it really went by fast too. Right now I’m gearing up for my second go at it.
I woke up this morning at 7 AM with a renewed need to edit and tear into this thing, I just needed to make it the best I could and hope that I ironed out all of the mistakes before I let anyone else see it. The notes left there by Tacia really help because they’re pretty much the only feedback of a specific nature I’ve received.
When I was talking with her last night I mentioned how it was odd, I had never been protective of writing before and I usually was more willing to let others see it but with this its not like that at all. She just said, “Well its your baby,” and I guess in a way she’s right. The story has gotten more work put into it than the previous ones and it shows in the details and things I’ve included and the notes I continue to make between calls at work and the little scenarios I dream up in the hopes I will be able to use them in future installments.
When I left off I was nearing the end of the tale with this first round of edits but I don’t know, I became too distracted and disheartened. With this renewed goal of pressing on through to the end, I figure I can clear some ground and have the story in a readable, respectable form in a matter of weeks before I go back and do some MAJOR edits.
I think we all hit those moments in time when we realize we’re sliding into territory we’ve been in before. We have to strive not to base our current predicaments on the past, because circumstances aren’t ever really the same. But at the same time we’re going to always look back at the last time and what happened, wondering what went wrong—if it did indeed go wrong. And if it went right, we might be trying to replicate that.
There really isn’t much in the way of “right” examples that I have to base things on and we really don’t get many second chances with the same situations or people. So I’m looking hard and evaluating everything right now, meticulously picking over the subtle nuances of the things that are going on right now and trying to understand what I can do to put things in my favor.
Work is hard, especially because I have realized more and more that a lot of the things working against you are based on the customers perception of you and sometimes you really can’t help that.
Honestly I like the work most of the time but I worry about the security of a job like that and it makes me want to fight to advance to a position where I’m not at risk for that so easily. Then there’s this other thing, probably something I really shouldn’t have on my mind at all and I’m trying my best to think of a reason not to act on it or even think about it (admittedly it will be better when I’m out of training) but there’s this girl who works with me and I just think she’s really cute.
Oddly enough she makes me really nervous, but I don’t even know how to act on something like that in a workplace setting so I am pretty afraid to even progress that. And if I did do anything with it, it seems like the kind of place where some sophomoric bullshit could ruin your relationship if not careful.
Tomorrow is the last day of my training, so that fixes one small part of one problem, but the overwhelming majority of the stuff is still going to be of issue.
It’s worrying to me the state of people. When I consider the kinds of things that people say and think are okay. For instance I went on an anime forum I used to frequent and was just reading the section meant for real world news. Never mind the fact that all too often the things in there pertaining video games and other BS like that get more rage and attention than news about people being murdered or brutally raped.
But when someone’s first reaction to the Earthquake in Japan is to say “I hope this won’t effect my manga this week” all I can think is I wish someone would kick them in the throat. Hard.
That kind of asinine attitude is just the kind of thing that shows the deplorable selfishness that seems to be everywhere. To add onto that, a friend of mine seems to have killed herself, I’ve been absent from the internet a lot lately and she left the suicide note on her Deviant Art. We weren’t really close, but I’m made madder by the fact that people were egging her on to kill herself and talking about how she didn’t matter…how it didn’t matter that her father was basically evil to her and her mother and all the pain he had caused in her life. They teased her about her feelings toward herself and her feeling of self worthlessness.
And to them this was a joke and it was funny and they didn’t have remorse for it, I’d doubt they had remorse for her being dead if they knew. I hope that the note was a fake, or she didn’t do it or at the very least someone found her and stopped her before it was too late. I know we weren’t the closest but I don’t think that means she deserves to die.
But what I find sadder is that people believe that ANYONE deserves to suffer and die like that.
I thought having a job and something I was good at and doing for more than just the money would make me not hate myself. But I was pretty much wrong. No matter what its always there and I just don’t think this is going to pass like everyone says it will.
And with that realization and the recent events going on around me I’ve lost the last bit of faith I had in others.
My work week ends after just two more days. I’m so excited I’m noting it down here.
If I ever had luck, it wasn’t the good kind. I guess it depends on if you believe in that sort of thing. If you think that there’s any merit to how many good and bad things happen to a person on a cosmic scale of some kind. I don’t.
But if I did I would believe I’m ill fated.
The other day, after driving my car for weeks without incident. I was driving out to get some food and I suddenly get a dinging and my dash board is all lit up. Apparently the car was over heating—something its done before and was fixed for recently. Now an entirely new coolant system is acting up and water’s not being pulled from the reservoir into the car.
I looked into it online and it appears that my car has an issue with coolant system troubles.
Right now I can’t afford to fix it, I mean it could be well over 700 dollars so it would take most of my next two checks to do something about it. And I’m hoping its just a hose or thermostat or something simple, but like I said—if I had any luck it would be the bad kind.
So I’m going to give putting water in the car one more try and if that fails I guess I need to explore the thermostat option.
There’s so much else going on, a lot I don’t really want to talk about with anyone and its all internal, I wouldn’t vocalize it. But I hate myself for having these problems and not being able to work them out to any kind of satisfaction.
When there’s more turmoil around me I seem to use this place that much more. I just wanted to say that first.
Normally I would have responded to the comments from the last entry in the comment tree itself, but I figured why not just do it here.
The thing is, that I’ve been talked into trusting people again before and giving them another chance and just generally letting all of that back in and every time it ends up the same way. If insanity is doing the same thing over and expecting a new result then why am I doing just that when it comes to trust. I don’t understand the benefit of it, when things are okay, sure it feels fine.
But when it goes bad its not worth it and all you can do is regret what you let happen.
I’ve started a new job, which I guess is the big news for me this week but there’s not much to say about it. I hate having to wake up at four AM just to make it there on time but what can I do about it right now?
But writing about work seems to be a waste of my time, no one would be all that interested in it.
The thing that’s been on my mind for some time now is that how I think I’ve been losing the ability to trust people anymore. Be it either because they refuse to trust me no matter how much I show them its okay—its not reactionary, not like I’m trying to get them back—but when someone doesn’t trust you it can be guessed that they might not stick by you when things get rough.
Or it could be that of all the people I have put trust in, the thing that seems to most consistently come from it is harm. I don’t think in any friendship, relationship or anything I’ve ever come out as the person who didn’t get hurt. Its not that I want someone’s feelings to get hurt, but its kind of telling that its always me.
I guess I have no one to blame but myself, if I’m choosing the people I trust I seem to make bad choices or I could just choose to believe that this is just what people do and I’m being naïve and these constant mistakes and the times I get hurt are a lesson…I should be learning to listen and not make the same mistake. Which seems to be trusting others.
Still I’m trying to hang onto it for some people, but I just don’t see that happening at this point.
Not much to say, I am just pretty sure I’ve said things before on this day. I’m about to hit the hay and wanted to say first day on the job complete.
People keep thinking that when I say I’m done, I’m kidding or that I need to just wait it out. I’m seriously just tired of trying in this.
To Whom It Probably Won’t Concern At All:
I’m sure that if you were to read this, which I know you never will, that you wouldn’t even guess it was about you. You seem to guess yourself to be so hated despite the fact everyone seems to like you and you thought yourself loyal though I know people who could easily give testimony to the contrary.
My problem with you lies not just with you refusal to admit that the atrophy of our friendship is your fault. When I asked those times is anything wrong and you claimed it was fine and when I noticed you acting different but things were still fine, I guess you thought me too stupid or unworthy to hear the truth?
I held you in high regard once, not the highest but I trusted you among friends and the more I see now I think that person I thought was once wise beyond their years is concerned more with vanity, Fairytale-esque delusions of love, and popularity.
Don’t worry. My plan’s not to blab to our old friends or call you out right here to make you look bad. I don’t know if you ever extended the same courtesy to me when I was around, though it doesn’t matter. We don’t run in the same circles anymore and judging by the caliber of company you keep now, your bad choices and excuses won’t ever be called into question.
What I give you is, well, its not mine to give. But I feel I can explain it, you see all of the things you wish and hope for will be pretty empty once you get them with the path you’re following. Any job you get that you think you won’t will be hated, any husband you meet will more than likely be chosen on merits that don’t matter in the wrong run and you’re going to look back and probably not think of me or the other people who you pushed out of the way and just wonder why you feel so sad and alone.
I don’t take pride in thinking this or expecting it, but I don’t think I could say you don’t deserve it. It’s a path of your own choosing, after all.
It might actually snow here for the second time this year and the third year in a row. I really hope this is the new Ice Age. I’m sick of Texas being so damn hot.
Watched this movie for the first time the other day and I have to say that what’s most impressive to me about the whole thing is how short a time ago that it all happened. (yes it was well acted and enjoyable and actually very good too) It’s a based on a true story that I remember going on as it went on. I remember when Facebook hit my school in late 2004 and I remember the millionth member.
In fact my school is alluded to in the movie, when they mention that Baylor won’t take Facebook and they need to spread to the schools around Baylor—that was us.
The based on a true story mantra has long been a stable of movies and books, when something is based on real life and yet still dramatic and entertaining it seems someone easier to be enthralled with it and impressed. You show us the story of the youngest billionaire in the world or a man with his arm trapped under a rock and forced to free himself through drastic means and people eat it up.
And I know we’re going to live through more of these “based on a true story” moments that we remember. Maybe we already have. There are countless stories of war accounts, September eleventh, historic rescues, historic cases and criminals and loves and all manner of other things out there someone may write about.
When I think about Facebook as a site (I still remember when it was changed from thefacebook.com) I realize how integrated it is into life and how it was integrated in to college and the social experience. And even with the site’s many changes I find myself strolling around it at times looking at friend connections and just searching for old acquaintances.
The idea seems so simple now, looking back at it. Ideas often do. The things that we use daily and seem to depend on somewhat are those ideas that once had everyone goes “why didn’t I think of this” or “why did no one ever do this before?”
The site’s pretty much established its place as one of those things that just becomes a staple of social life for many people.
The New Year has been exhausting, I guess this isn’t a good sign—when things start off so much worse than they were the previous year and when life seems to launch everything it can at you at once.
I don’t know what to say here that hasn’t been said before. I miss writing here but I don’t think I have a reasonable stuff to say that will be worth typing out. Lately I’ve buried myself in games and reading and writing and just kind of being withdrawn from others because its more comfortable than dealing with people or missing someone, I don’t think anyone would disagree with that.
For now things seem to be more or less stuck like this and I don’t want to drone on about it, I just wanted to make sure that this place doesn’t look forgotten or left behind.
So many times I wonder if I have a right to feel like this, inside I miss my friends and I guess rightfully so. But there’s really not much I can do to change anything on my end.
With so many prequels having come out in so many forms, like the new Star Wars Trilogy and Fast and Furious 4—and with the threat new Harry Potter books it seems the question of whether or not to prequel will always be something we wrestle with.
There are working Prequels out there, Underworld 3, for instance and Temple of Doom, which most people don’t seem to realize is a prequel. Fast and the Furious 4 works because it does essentially the same thing all of the others do. It’s PG-13 porn, there’s scantily clad women and beautiful cars…
From what I can tell is prequels that work, do so for three reasons—the plot is so thin and dependent on superficial things that its nearly impossible to ruin the larger picture because its all rather base line. Underworld and Fast and the Furious fit into this category. These are watchable films, but there’s not much complex in the way of plot there.
The second reason is because they were planned from the start. The book Mossflower by Brian Jacques is the second book in the Redwall series and is a prequel that is set up by the first book well, it also links the first to the third book. Metal Gear Solid 3 does the same thing. When the prequel is part of the game plan and essential to what comes next, it can work.
Third, and final is the person who made the prequel knew their shit…let’s be honest even authors and directors contradict themselves all of the time. If I were to make you watch Star Wars: A New Hope, Empire Strikes Back and Return of the Jedi you would have an entirely different ide of the Force, of what Jedi could do and of how long the Galactic Empire had been in power. The six movies only fit together if you’re a total fucking retard and don’t pay close attention. Part of the beauty and importance of prequels is they don’t upset what’s there and carefully add to it.
One mistake that’s often made with a prequel is linking everything to some cause to try and better explain the inner workings of things. Anakin/Vader became the center of the universe in the Star Wars prequels. He wasn’t just a misled soul, he was the chosen one and the one who had been foretold and had a virgin birth and all of that…
People have been saying they want Harry Potter prequels, stuff about Harry’s mother and father in school and the other characters there or stuff with young Dumbledore.
Another big culprit for a prequel fuck-up is the antithesis of number two—telling a story we didn’t need to hear. Now admittedly Underworld did this, but it was so fucking cool no one cared they knew how it was going to end. The Star Wars prequels and pretty much anything that can happen in Harry Potter will more than likely fall into this category. Most of the reason why Vader or Sirius Black or any number of other characters like that are so cool is because the reader only saw them for a short time and they heard these great things about the past diluted down through history.
Vader was a great, noble man seduced by the force and a great friend. James Potter was a headstrong youngster who matured into a kind, loving father. For the purpose of their stories, that’s all we need to know about them. Who felt cheated when we had to hear young Vader constantly whining about how he hated Obi-Wan and how he would be the most powerful Jedi ever? Not so noble now, is he?
I would say, as a rule almost, if you have to wonder if the fans want a prequel—you don’t need one. Part of the reason fans want things is because they’re mysterious and that kind of made them cool. Most of the time, they won’t live up to the standard the fans expect. Especially in a worlds swamped by fan fiction like Harry Potter or Star Wars is. It’s better off as a mystery.
Oddly enough, two prequels stand out as exemplarily and so intertwined with their cannon that they are very accepted. Unfortunately both are video games and one is actually Star Wars—Star Wars: Force Unleashed falls just before A New Hope and leads into the first movie. It actually works with cannon, not against it. And Final Fantasy VII: Crisis Core actually makes the mistakes in Final Fantasy VII’s plot make more sense.
More often than not, though, they don’t seem to work.
Well, I need to start by saying this is the last of the old year, last of 2010, y’all. And if a lot of people are right, we’ve only got one more of these before the end of the world where the planet bursts into flames or something of the like.
Anyway, I just dropped in for something fun, no reflecting, no whining about the past year. I think that if you wanted to see my year, you could look back through here and check. A lot has changed, but change is a constant and its to be expected.
What I have come to tell you is that Anderson Cooper has been lying to us! Look at him! He was Veela all along.
That lying bastard…
Happy New Years!
Okay, its not November anywhere in the universe anymore. So everyone should be firmly done with their pledges for NaNoWriMo, right?
I wouldn’t laugh at that statement if I had ever known a single writer who kept to that one month to write a novel thing. But I don’t know a single one. Even the ones who do have the speed. It’s why I find it kind of ironic that people seem to enter into it year after year.
It’s the same issue I have with New Year’s Resolutions. They’re typically the kind of things that we do need to change, but for some stupid reason we feel the need to wait until some arbitrary start date instead of saying, “This ends now! I’m turning things around!”
Let me just say this: anything so unimportant that you can wait until the next year to start working on it…any novel you can wait around until November to write—is probably a waste of time because you weren’t serious in the first place and you’re going to fail at it for that very reason.
And if you think I’m just talking out of my ass, I’ve actually got the speed to do NaNo and actually could hit that magical fifty thousand number this week…with something I started at 11 pm on November 27th. I’m thirty seven thousand words in.
The difference is when I set deadlines, they’re based on my speed. When I set deadlines, they’re set by me. I actually aim to get them done, I bust my ass to do it and I typically start right when I set them.
If you seriously want to write, cut the bullshit and write year round.
It’s hard to learn you’ve moved past a place or person and they’re no longer needed. Not because you’re vicious toward them or the place, but because they’re just not furthering you being you.
I used to love doing a lot of things, but I realize now that they are more trouble than their worth. I find going on most forums tedious, I don’t like to take long drives without destinations firmly plotted out and I just don’t like a lot o the things I used to.
Then I miss something I don’t think will ever come back. That might be the hardest part of all is that knowing something you love will never be the same or even happen again. I’m glad that the one constant in my life has been writing, that is always enjoyable.
This is a real life conversation I just had with my best friend. I omitted the lines about some video on you tube because they bare no relevance to what we were talking about.
Justin says (12:49 AM)
it looks like I will have to draw balls and hand deliver them, if we lived in the Harry Potter world you'd be getting owls day and night, carrying pictures of dicks and balls
PJ says (12:49 AM)
ha. id send Voldemort a pic of my balls
Justin says (12:49 AM)
one of those moving wizard photos. swinging you balls back and forth
PJ says (12:50 AM)
or just me beating off. he would come after my ass that same night
Justin says (12:51 AM)
owl would be a good way to deliver drugs
PJ says (12:51 AM)
or request hookers
Justin says (12:51 AM)
how much cocaine do you think an owl could carry
PJ says (12:52 AM)
not much...the only reason birds can fly is because of how light they are lol
Justin says (12:53 AM)
this conversation is officially legendary
This remarkably juvenile—I know.
So it seems I have come full circle and ventured back into an avenue I never thought I would again. That’s right folks, I’ve started to do fan fiction. What makes this so weird is, well I was around back when Fan Fiction.net was new.
Fan Fiction.net is the site I cut my teeth on and with the help of Juliet Singleton I got my real start writing and working out plots and just trying to feel my way around characters. If it weren’t for fan fiction I don’t think I would have this site or be writing.
When I discovered fan fiction it was shortly before the site went online and I honestly thought it was a dream come true. I couldn’t imagine that people who were not published were out there writing stories about shows they liked for nothing more than fun. Fan Fiction does predate the internet and before the circles were actually forced to communicate through more rudimentary ways, like at conventions.
But I loved fan fiction, I neglected work and friends to read the stuff. I printed it out and lived over 8.5 by 11 sheets that I cast onto the floor as I read them. I read them at school and I felt as if they were deserving of more recognition.
Then the unthinkable happened. I was asked to review fan fiction at a site and the more I read over the stuff coming in, the more disgusted I became. Fan Fiction had gone from an honorable thing to something written to indulge in deplorable fantasies. Many of the tales I looked at were rife with rape and mutilation and sexual acts that would make even the most seasoned porn star cringe.
I, by this time had started using my own characters and writing stories in worlds of my own making. The trend of ridiculous sexuality didn’t die down and it was followed closely by the bad characterization that that took the characters I loved and changed them into unrecognizable people who only bore the name and most times the looks of the character they were meant to be.
I resigned from the world of Fan Fiction by the middle of high school. I tried to venture back once or twice over the years and within a few hundred words of starting I was always bored and completely uninterested in continuing.
Flash forward to now, the world of fan fiction isn’t really any better than it was back then. With stories like Little Miss Mary (a Snape/Harry Potter fic that involves cross-dressing and male impregnation to name a few things) and Agony in Pink (a mutilation rape story about the first Pink Ranger) its easy to see that the crazy stuff isn’t just out there…it’s the norm.
Still I am able to look past this and see there is something inherently fun in writing this stuff, and that’s what brought me back.
I’ve hit a snag, for so long I defined my life with a set of things that I thought would be a constant. You figure that this is the last thing you’ll ever want to do in this life. The last job you hold, the last person you’ll love, the last house you’ll live in.
It seems to be my nature to make long term plans for things, maybe its just me. But that’s the truth. And I hate change in all honesty. Even if its for the better, even if there’s a chance it could go right I think that something going right scares me, maybe more than something going wrong.
I’m used to things going wrong—I can handle that, its happened so much.
For six hours I sat and scanned pictures out of a box, pictures three and four times my age, pictures of other people’s memories and pasts. Looking back at my step mom, her sisters, her family—I realized that I’m just starting out here and its wrong of me to lay my cards out before they’re dealt. I’ve got maybe sixty good years in me…or with the way I eat perhaps just forty.
Then again, if I have to sit through Batman and Robin again, I could end my life midway through it and that would be a blessing.
I’ve done it.
I’ve lost my fucking mind, its official. I started a Fan Fiction.net account again—well I revived my old account from 2000 and I began posting this on it.
It’s a damn crossover, who would have guessed. That’s practically all I used to write. Things have come full circle, its like dog and cats living together—mass hysteria. I feel fourteen again.
Today was uneventful. Nothing to report I guess. I wanted to post a really bad ass picture a friend showed me. Its from Harry Potter.
Love it. It’s by this girl Makani, she doesn’t need my promotion but she’s got talent and she deserves more recognition.
It feels like the things I fear always come true, so much so that I don’t want to name them here or even out loud for fear that it might bring them fully into being.
But this is comparable to a car wreck, I feel like I’m going to hit a brick wall. I can see it speeding toward me—there’s no way it could move itself (or so it would seem, at least in my situation). And yet I’m surely going to hit it. I’m going to crash and its all going to end.
Sometimes I wonder if there was really ever another way things could have turned out and feel stupid for trying. No matter how hard I work, I’ll just never be some things. It’s the sad fact of life that an overly politically correct.
Though I wonder: is it sad when I truly, whole-heartedly believe that much chances of becoming a published author with some clout are more likely than my finding happiness or love?
I’m not sure what’s worse, the fact that I feel like that or the fact that I care so much. Both seem to be causing equal amounts of pain.
I think I’ve figured out what this is I’ve been feeling…guilt. For the past few months something has been happening that I am not sure is my fault and that I’m not sure I have control over. At the same time, I feel like I am to blame and I feel like I should be upset or ashamed by it.
I really can’t say what it is or say for sure what’s going to come from it. Part of me wants to hold onto something, on the other hand if I let it go life might just get easier from here on out.
This is hard to figure out, sometimes you feel something that you want to kill inside of yourself, that you think if you could just get rid of things would be easier. But at the same time you want to hold onto it and you honestly can’t understand why.
I’ve learned that sometimes the most simplistic things taste best. Rice and cheese is like that, it’s delicious.
It would seem blogs are slow coming from me at the moment. Adjustment period.
So I voted yesterday and much to my surprise it was a longer wait than normal. I spent the time in line reading and catching dirty sneers and looks from people in the line.
I don’t want to say it was due to race, I was the youngest person in the room and the only non-white person too. Not something that’s all that unusual in Texas, but its even more odd when people just hate you for it.
Everyone expects you to vote by race, and often its easier to tell how someone will vote than you will think. Doesn’t I actually think that’s a good thing. Thing is, I’m pretty moderate when it comes to politics and I could have been persuaded to vote for a Republican. But Rick Perry?
God no.
The man wanted us to lave the Union because Obama won. What is it? The 1860s again? What’s more disappointing is that people voted for a guy who stole money meant for Hurricane Ike relief to pay for the Governor's Mansion, tried to talk his way out of speeding tickets on camera, and refused state stimulus money on the grounds that we didn’t need it when we have unemployed here too.
It just shows that people don’t really pay attention to what’s going on.
There hasn’t been much of me online lately and really there’s been good reason. With the exception of talking to a few, select people—its not nearly as fun. I’ve been reading more, watching movies, writing or doing other things and even when I do get online in the back of my head I quickly feel the need to go back to doing something more productive unless there’s someone there I truly want to talk with.
I’ve read two whole books in the last two weeks and its been a while since I could claim I have done that. While I’ve neglected to finish up some of my other work, I plan to hop back into that but I was burning so hot doing it I did need a little break.
Things are pretty much changing, only not in an interesting enough way to warrant being spelled out here.
Part of me needed to come make a post though—I do want to keep with this blog, regardless of how the rest of the internet seems to be losing interest for me.
I just woke up and already I feel like I need a nap again, I don’t know what it is. Lately I feel like I have no energy and circumstances seem to just make it worse.
I came across this site when messing around on thatguywithglasses.com. It’s a blog for PushingUpRoses—the content is pretty self explanatory. There’s lots of art, posts with writing to journal type entries.
But look at this girl, she actually manages to be funny, smart and gorgeous—and to top it all off adorable at the same time.
And I know, it has been a while since I have posted. I’ve been immersed in editing. My free time has been spent watching Nostalgia Chick and Nostalgia Critic, reading, and playing games.
If you feel like you could use more depressing shit in your life, pick up a copy of Knowing with Nicolas Cage.
The last few days have been hard, I’m thankful I have my editing work to throw myself into, games to play and a book to read. Though I don’t see me being able to go at this pace much longer. I’m in bed as long as I can manage most days and even when I’m up and about I’m tired.
Everything is exhausting, I feel hollow and uneasy. Sometimes I feel sick and other times tired, on a bad day its both.
Life without stress wouldn’t be life at all, this is true. But I don’t think it should have these effects on me. Before I had those periods to cool down but when I’m left with my own thoughts is when things are at their worst. I can’t distract myself or pull myself back to rationality all of the time so in those instances I just have to go to sleep. (like I said, usually am pretty tired any)
I can’t really cast blame for this little slump, I can say don’t worry as much as its hard to admit I plan to stick this out. Even if its here to stay.
