Forward From July

For a moment I wasn’t sure if I would come back here. July was a very hard month and there’s nothing harder than thinking for so long you’ve lost all ability to care only to find out how very wrong you are. I lost my Grandmother and a friend all in one month, I wasn’t sure what I was going to do with the changes and all I can tell now is that there will be a hole in my life. One I don’t think I can cover up.

I went through a breakup too, though that effected me less than any break up ever has. I was proud of myself for how I handled it considering that it happened right after I had gotten back from the funeral. I used to think I weak when it came to those things, but I guess I’m not.

Losing one of my best friends after all of this though, it felt like having my heart ripped out and I didn’t know what response to take and use. I’ve chosen to do what I’ve always done…with one distinct difference, I’ll make her proud. Even if I never speak to her again, I’ll make sure of that. Because I was always proud of her and I always thought she was a good friend, I still do.

It seems July has been a bad month for all, the economy on the verge of collapse, the Middle East seems to be boiling back over into a state of deeper war, and countless other problems. I know in the large scope of things I’m not that bad off. But doesn’t someone saying that kind of piss you off? I mean it doesn’t matter that you’re not, it still hurts and even if you know people are suffering more—is that supposed to make you feel better?

What kind of sick fuck revels in that?

All I can say is that there’s one other thing to do: love. I love my friends, even those I can’t talk to. Even if all I can do for them is pray. And, yes, that even means you, you brilliant girl. Because you taught me more about myself and life than I can repay you for. And my family and friends here, I can huddle them closer, because let’s face it. It’s an ever dwindling number. And I can write, I need to write its all I have in me that can solve my problems now. Writing is a way out of this life, it’s a way to make something of myself and for myself. It’s a way I can take pride in something I’ve done and have those around me feel proud too.

Stepping back and taking a look at my life, all I can say is that there will come a day, hopefully soon, when I can actually feel I’ve done something right and maybe then I’ll see what others are talking about when they mention me.