She Said, “Some Girls Just Like to See Their Guy Happy.”

Yesterday when I talked to Nicole I didn’t really expect the turn that the conversation took, we got off on this tangent where we were talking about some stuff that I never really expected to have a real life conversation about with a girl any time soon. And there was no joking around put into the conversation.

But instead of just being really sick like any conversation like that with a guy would have been, it ended up turning all serious and even coming to some kind of point with out an argument. In a twist I got some more insight into Nicole’s mind and the way she thinks. I used to think that she was very random but I think that she’s thinking a lot about so much that she just comes off that way.

I’m starting to get excited about going back to the school in just a little while, but I’m hoping more of my DVDs come in before then. So far since I have been in town I’ve only really hung out with PJ, everyone else around here seems to be too busy to go do anything or they seem to have other stuff to do.

The whole thing is, I’m not going to count Nicole because she was in San Antonio with me. But before I head back up there I need to at least get some of this next story done. The goal of the story is to do something I haven’t really ever been able to do, write a story in twenty pages or under that bridges two stories together. Are You Now or Have You Ever Been was supposed to be a thirty page short, its forty pages longer than it was meant to be. That’s just ridiculous.

I never thought that it was going to be that way; it just turned out that way. So now I have to wonder if I can even do it. I mean is it even possible for me to write something short and have it be one single, complete part? That’s what this story is supposed to test out.

I won’t really mind if it goes over by a little bit, like say ten pages, but anymore than that and its not even right. As for the title I’m thinking I should call this We Do This ‘Cause We Car, Not For The Thrill’.

Reminder--That String Around the Finger

I know I haven’t posted on this thing in a while, I’m really tired right now. But I just wanted to tell myself something when I look at this later. My memory is bad and I just know that I’ll be looking at this thing sometime again soon.

Right now I’m waiting for my Neon Genesis Evangelion DVD box set to get here, along with the remastered sets I ordered. I’m becoming somewhat used to being back home. I was supposed to take Nicole and PJ to the board walk tomorrow, but I she has to be back in San Antonio then and going with PJ would be strange, so I am going to just hang around here and read or write some more.

I need to get started on the story that I just planned on having fall between ‘Endgame’ and ‘Duality’. I have a few characters to slide into the story and a name to give the new story. I think that the name might be something clever that will bridge the two. I mean names like ‘Time Between’ and stuff like that get old. I think that I need to really think this trough and give it a long title, my favorite title is still ‘Are You Now or Have You Ever Been’.

For the second time in a while my emotions aren’t going to get in the way of my writing. I’m starting to get the feeling that I need to have a long discussion with Desiree about some things because I get the feeling that there is something going on with her that might be really important. I can’t mention what because I’m not sure and its not really any of my business in the first place, but if something is going on I’m just a bit worried.

Its all going to be fine in the end, I know. I have a lot more to do before I can rest, I mean really rest. But for now I better sleep. I have to get in some writing tomorrow and I should probably go see my cousin in the hospital. If I head that way I hope I can check on my EVA DVDs, God I love that show.

I'm going to finish up tomorrow with a talk about the discussion I had with Nicole--very interesting. I love having discussions with people.

I Hate Food Town and Fiesta

Now I’m still winding down from the Christmas holiday and recovering from a cold, so anything I don’t want to do is pretty much out of the question. But when my step mom started asking me to go to Fiesta I had to comply just to make her stop moaning about me not doing what she says. I fucking hate Fiesta and for those of you who don’t know, it’s supposed to be a grocery store.

But unlike Kroger’s or HEB or one of those other places they try to keep this ethnic small village market feel by doing shit like putting things under little booths that I’m tall enough to hit my head on, or spreading dirt and hay on the floor. What is this? A fucking barn dance, dirt and hay don’t belong on the floor of a store where food is served. I don’t care what kind of feel you want to convey!

I mean I half expect to see chickens and shit roaming the floor and pissing right behind themselves as they scurry across my path. That’s what small town villages were like, why don’t you go for some extreme realism and stick a guy who has leprosy on the corner with a begging cup? I mean that would be like a village a long time ago and it would make the customers feel more at home because they’ve lived in places like that before, right?

There’s also all kinds of colorful shit hanging around the store like empty piñatas that no one could reach if lit a rocket in their ass. They think it looks more festive and creates some kind of environment. Well all it really does is look dumb as shit, sorry if you weren’t going for that take them down.

With the exception of one most of the Fiestas in town are dirty, and all of the ones I’ve been to outside of Houston are just as bad. But there is one good thing about this place.
The only saving grace of Fiesta is the fact that the place isn’t the worst store out there, I mean that coveted glory goes to none other than Food Town. How is that for a creative name, Food-fucking-Town.

I mean no flash there, is that what they were going for? Well Food Town is the new trendy thing, no ‘frills’ grocery store. Well I have news for you fucks at Food Town. Shelves….not a frill, fresh food….not a frill, and lights in the parking lot….not a frill.

This place stacks the merchandise on the floor and then stacks the same thing on it until they have a shelf like that. Now I’m not saying anything about how unsanitary this can be in some cases, I mean at least the dirt on Fiesta’s floor was put there on purpose. But Food Town must not realize that no one can get the food on the bottom unless they drag it out. And if they do that, then they could damage what they’re trying to get. Who the fuck wants to fight with a bag on peanuts that sat on the floor in a mound of dirt and then have it rip while trying to get it out.

And you never know if you’re going to get some steak or a fucking stomach ache from eating bad meat. I’ve gone there to find gray meat and sometimes even flies in the meat case. My brother and I take bets too see ho many flies we’ll count in there when we have to go because his wife or my mom sends us. They think the prices make it worth it. Well why don’t they go?

Simple because there are no lights in the parking lot and someone could easily, mug/rape/kill you and no one would know until the fucking sun came up. There’s no security guards at the place so that makes it east to have bad shit going on in the parking lot. Sometimes people deal drugs out there, during business hours. But the drug dealers have to get near the Starbucks out in the parking lot because there wouldn’t be enough light for them to count their money if they didn’t.

These stores exist for one reason, rich suburban soccer moms like to brag about how much they saved at Food Town even though they live in 300,00 dollar houses and drive H2s. Now don’t get me wrong, I love a hot soccer mom as much as the next guy, and I like talking to women, even when its about stuff I don’t care about all that much. But how you saved twenty bucks on the way home from picking up the kids at Karate lessons because you bought expired milk, smashed bread off the floor and gray slabs of nondescript meat is not a good topic of conversation.

Sorry soccer moms, you lose out this time. And to everyone else, if one of these God forsaken super shit shops shows up in your area, boycott the hell out of it.

Awake

It is December 24th 2004, tomorrow it will be Christmas and all I have to say is that I'm glad to see half of this year has gone by, this has been an eventful year that has been flilled with joy, pain, and well, madness. I've made some really good friends, learned alot of lessons that I just needed to learn and I've probably forgotten a few things that I should know.

I can't help but think how things could have been so different if I had done this or done that different, but in truth I don't regret much because that's not my kind of thing. I try not to regret anything because wishing you did something different doesn't help anything normally. You have to keep pulling to get it right and not stop to dwell on the past.

Today is going to be a little more fun than normal because I get so see some friends from the college, Ricky and Nicole are coming down and I'm going to drive Nicole to her house and drop her off. I think that I'm going to just try to get to know her better, she's a very interesting woman.

Well this shit is getting tired, I'm in need of some more rest, I'm going to get off of here and go find something to do to keep myself awake.

I’m so C-c-c-c-controversial

Wow, did you guys see the great comment I got the last time, thanks and I’m only so glad I could return the favor.

See what people fail to realize is that, I don't really care about racial comments because most of the time they are not true, especially if you're like this guy and barely know me. I mean if one of my friends suddenly burst out like that and was serious I would be sad, not because they made stupid racial comments, but because I lost a friend.

But I could care less about this shit, I like the attention!

And in other new I finally finished the work on Endgame, the story is done and the end has been decided. I have two more to do until the end of this series of stores, Justin is so excited he could shit his pants!

Well I really don't have much to say, I spent all day writing, talked to Desiree, Tiffany, Ricky and some others today, nothing really big there. I'm out because I have other shit to do, I might have something to discuss next time, its been a while and I'm ready!

New Day

Not that I want to sound all sad and everything, but I just want to know when will life be right. I don't mean perfect, nothing is ever really perfect. But I refuse to settle for a life where everything I do, everything I know and think is just medicore. For the past three months or so I've filled this thing with entries both happy and sad, and some a little bit funny.

But when it all comes down to it what does all of this mean to me? Its not like this is the life I really want. I like my friends--but thats really all I have going for me is friends. And sometimes, when theres someone I want to be more than a friend I end up just having to settle for her being my friend. I've tried so hard to think of what I could be doing wrong, if its something about me that I just could change.

But I'm starting to think that its just me, that I am the cause for all of the things that happen to me and the way they happen. I don't know what I'm going to do, or if there is anything I can do. I think I'll have to really try to make some changes. Try to make myself something by actually working at things.

It's going to have to start while I'm here, I'm going to have to occupy more of my time with doing things other than just sitting here. I need to go for walks or something. I mean all I really need is a CD player and I can take long walks without having to worry about getting bored.

And somehow I need to get my mind off Des, I've been thinking about her alot. I don't know how to get over something like this, I guess I'll have to figure it out when I go for a walk. I want to show her that I can be what she wants without it being entirely obvious, but I doubt there's a way.

Well I have to get off here, I have things to do and I haven't been doing them because my brain is burned out lately.

A Matter of Chance

It’s been a while since I updated, far too long if you ask me, but this will not be the normal, what’s going on with me thing. This will be one of those special little entries where I just talk about things that have come to my common realization. For me to start this out right I have to say that I made a new friend last week, her name is Nicole and she’s from Houston too. She’s a really nice girl and she probably one of the only girls in our little group that can hang out with the guys without us losing her with what we’re talking about.

Last Saturday we all went to Outback Steakhouse, Nicole and I got to talking and she wanted to go to the bookstore with us afterwards. Well we did go and it was really fun because we found out how much she had in common with all of us. Ricky saw a movie that he liked called Magnolia, it was a movie about chance, watching it and how it all fits together makes me think of how much the world really works on chance.

Thinking back, I know now that I could be living a totally different life if the big events that had shaped everything that I am now. If my mother had never died I might not be sitting here today doing this.

But there are small things, events that are just day to day choices that have an effect on a large part of our lives. Like my descion to go to UTSA, I could have easily gone somewhere else, but I just happened to choose UTSA off the top of my head, I wouldn’t have all of the friends I now have.

Or how I chose to wash clothes that first Saturday, instead of wait until the Sunday, that’s how I met Desiree and I’m really glad that happened. I can’t go into all of the details, but next time you have time to think about where you are, think about the events that led up to that point, you may be surprised how different things could have been.

In other news I am back home now, well at my brothers house in north Houston. I already kind of miss the school, I miss seeing all of my friends from day to day and Christmas can’t come too soon so I can get back to school and doing what I do best. For now I am going to try and get some writing in, while there are less distractions.

Shallow

Well with Finals over I was able to get a full twelve hours of sleep in Saturday morning, I feel new, I feel like I can do all that I want to do, all that I haven’t been able to do in a while, even now, at 4:36 AM I am pretty wide awake. Today was one of those days I didn’t expect much from, but I was so wrong.

I returned my books, most of them that is, to the bookstore on campus—I just asked Desiree were they opened, which caused her to wake up (sorry Des). I talked to her a bit and she was barely responsive so I had to let her get back to sleep or whatever she was going to do.

I decided to wake Brandon next, but when I opened the door to my room there were guys all over the floor of the common area, I realized that these were Ben’s guests that had spent the night. I really didn’t care much about that. I made my way over them and to Brandon’s door. He was sleep but I woke him and told him we should return our books.

Well we did that and I scored $83.47 which is pretty much like cleaning up at the book store. After that we went to the University Center and ran into Shana, Lauren, Hannah, Eddie, Ricky, Brent, Debra and her friend, Nicole.

It was a nice little session at the table, I can’t really say much for it. Everyone really seems more at ease in the day time around here. I think its because we know we don’t have to deal with each other much longer.

But after the meal we finished Evangelion, two episodes and two movies. All I can say was it was epic, it was grand, it is possibly the best Anime ever made because its so deep with out delving to far from the surface.

After that we all went to Outback Steakhouse which was more fun that I expected, it was a reservation for fifteen people, pretty fun. By just an occurrence of chance I got stuck between Evan and Ricky and across from Nicole. I had some interesting conversation with Nicole and found out that she was a very interesting person.

The Outback event passed without much else happening, all I do have to say is we got raped—stuff there costs and an arm and a leg. But it was fun, afterwards we all went to the bookstore to exploit Eddie’s discount because he works there. It was fun. We came back to Eddie’s place and I got a chance to sit and talk with Nicole some, after we watched a movie that took a pretty long time. All and all I had a lot of fun today. Life here at the college seems to be winding up, which for lack of a better expression makes sense. But all I have to say is that I hope nothing ever changes—things should stay close to how they are right now.

I look at it like this, I had some kind of contact with almost everyone I really care about today—with the exception of Casey…but she’s out of town and I will see her soon. Life is good.

The Time Between

I realized that I haven’t been updating this thing as often as I should lately, so kill me…its finals week. You may be surprised to know, I just woke up and its like 6, aren't you all so proud? I only have two more finals and then I’m just going to collapse and die, well after I get the gifts out to people. There has been a lot going on lately, a lot of which has been outside of the Justin Caynon realm of control. I’m a busy man and it has come to show.

Last night we watched Spirited Away, which was very imaginative and stuff, pretty good for a family movie. I usually wouldn’t have watched something like that, but Eddie bought it and we all needed to take a rest from the extreme violence and religious side notes of Evangelion.

I also did some more Christmas shopping, I got Desiree a stuffed Winnie the Pooh because she said she liked Disney. I hope she sees it as just what it is, a gift from a friend to a friend. Because that’s all I can be to her and that’s all I’m going to say about that.

In other happenings Eddie burned me a very nice little CD by the band Brand New, I am loving it. They are probably one of the best punk bands lyrically. I mean you hear so many badly written lyrics on the radio now and then you get this CD that’s like boom right in your face with the good lyrics.

Take this lyric for example: “This is War, every line is about who I don’t want to write about anymore.” I just love that!

I also got a little part on one of Eddie’s tracks on his CD, he was recording a demo for Ricky to listen to, the script fro Ricky’s movie is done. So they are looking at music for the whole thing. And I was tapping a pen in the background and I crumpled some paper and it got onto one of the recordings. He said he liked it though. Plus we talked at the start of one track.

Well I better head off, I have to say, Julie, the red site is looking good, keep experimenting with those colors!

Home

I realize now that this place doesn’t really feel like home, its hard to explain but I got a feeling just last night. A feeling I haven’t had in this place in a while, the feeling was short lived at best but it felt so good. I was sitting talking with Desiree on the couch, and I kept thinking in my head, this is what home should be like; this is what it’s supposed to be.

It’s not just her, I realize I don’t stay home much because it doesn’t feel like home, this dorm doesn’t, my house at home doesn’t. I feel more at home in my friend’s dorms than I ever do when I’m here. Home shouldn’t be me in this tiny room at the computer, over a book or in the bed. Home feels better when its me, Casey and Chanele talking on their couch, when me and Ricky are playing a game. Home for me is when I can sit and talk with Eddie about music, or Brent about Anime. It feels like Home when I’m swapping stories with Desiree.

I don’t know why this place can’t be home, I don’t know what it is about here. All this dorm seems to convey is loneliness, a sense of extreme loneliness. I went to dinner last night, surrounded by friends, ten of them I can call close friends probably—even though some of them may get on my nerves from time to time, I can’t call them much else besides friends.

I talked to Eddie about this the other day, I think he was shocked that I would say all of this. I guess I go deeper than I thought, it all just came out when I started talking, I have a knack for that.

Week of Hell

I think that I’m going to have to start back writing again really soon, I need to start trying to clear a place in my mind for what to do next in the story. I have come to a dead end with Endgame a story that I started planning almost two years ago. Probably the only story I have written that has yet to undergo a title change.

It is in essence the only story that has the same basic feel that it had in its planning stages. I’m proud that I’ve kept the same continuality that I promised from the start, all that the opening of a story is really is a promise to see something happen. Whether or not the reader knows the promise until the end is up for grabs, but you can bet that there will be something there by the end.

Even in shows, movies and any games with plots there is some promise. In some ways its hard to tell exactly what it may be.

Right now I have been working on trying to explain some of the back story that there is with Voltaire more thoroughly, he is in fact, the most complicated villain I think I’ve ever made up. Its simply because he is so rooted in the past at some times and things like that.

Now that the next story is not going to feature the Angel crossover idea, I have a better chance to play my own characters up some more. Melanie has come into the limelight more and more as the story has progressed. She is more a part of the group than she has been before. And I think I illustrated that very well. I’m more proud of her than any of my other characters.

I have a lot to do this week, finals are closing in on me and I have some Christmas Cards to make. So I’m going to start on phase two of Desi’s gift, I’m going to make cards for everyone I know and I am going to do all of this in a matter of days…I have to have them done by the 14^th, because that’s basically D-Day. Wish me luck, this is going to be the two weeks of Hell.

Pimp The System/All That Matters

After the party we held for Casey yesterday, I think that the safest thing to say is that I’m starting to cheer up, I’m really starting to find my place here at UTSA. I’m really starting to find my place in the world. I realize now that pretty much there’s nothing I can do to get ahead in the world that hasn’t already been done.

I can think of a million little tricks, gimmicks and other little things to do anything that I want to do. I could use them to get by, get a girl, get money, or just mess the next guy over, but its not my place and its all been done. Trying to be original isn’t really what matters, its trying to be yourself.

But all the while there is a system, and the system is what works against us. Most people would have you believe that to become part of the system you have to give up part of yourself, but in reality you can be part of the system and still be yourself. You can work the system to your advantage.

Why not use the paths people already laid down for you to do the things you need to accomplish in school and in life in general. Trying to be original is overrated because its nearly impossible to be original. Some people just happen to be better than others, you can’t say we’re all the same because we’re not, but you can’t say we’re all original either, because a large percent of the population seems to think impersonating someone famous makes them cool.

Basically what I am trying to say is that being original is not original because so many people try to do it. So by doing it you’re playing into a group of people. Just be yourself and find yourself a place in the system. Like any system it has its weak points, it can be exploited to your liking.

By trying to remain outside of the system and come original you are in part just a cog in another system. I mean did I ever say there was one system? No, I didn’t you just assumed that, but perhaps ever system is part of a larger whole, some kind of network of systems.

The most important thing to remember is that by becoming part of the system you are not subjecting yourself to a life of servitude; on the contrary, you are in a prime position to pimp the proverbial ‘system’. (How’s that for alliteration)

Besides we all know, you can do more damage from the inside of a system than you can from the outside.
….
I want to try and do something a little different, a duel topic entry into this little thing. But I want this second one to be a little more about me. I wrote the blog entry ‘Faint’ last week. Which is arguably almost as depressing anything I shall ever write; the real point of that entry is that, I have basically fallen for a girl that I can’t have. Not because of some great epic event that took place and blocked her out from my view.

People don’t understand that life does not operate too often on the idea of epic events; it operates within a realm of normalcy. If epic events defined all of our lives from day to day, then those epic events would in turn become the very normal ones we come to expect.

Now, back to the subject matter at hand, I can sit here and talk about how much I really wish I could be with this girl. Whining won’t get me anywhere, because it does nothing for anyone. I know people who would have turned and walked off from the entire situation with her when she said no. But I care about her too much as a friend to do that, for those of you who don’t know yes I have a heart and feelings, its just that some people piss me off to the point I want to rip their arm off and beat them with it so this side of me is one they never see.

What I’ve come to realize is that this right here, that I’m going through with Des, this whole ordeal isn’t some kind of test or just a little game that I can pull in a way I want to. This is an opportunity to do what really matters. I’ve mentioned this before, but in my mind and in my heart I truly believe that it was said best in the television series Angel.

Because I hear people, I’ve heard people all my life say things like, “Look it doesn’t matter what you do, no big action is going to sway this—this is how things are.” If what they are saying is true then no matter what we did, if we all just sat on our God given hands, nothing would change, things would run smoothly.

We all know that’s bullshit…because the real truth of the matter is all that matters is what we do. The smallest act of kindness is the greatest thing in the world. In the same way the smallest rude comment can drive someone over the edge. It’s like I told Casey, there is no destiny, there is no set path we have to follow.

It’s Choice, we all have choices and when it comes right down to it leads back to the Six Degrees of Separation. But that’s a post for another day. I told Casey that I’m not destined to become something, I have to make myself part of it. If I was destined to be something, then no matter what I would end up there. College or no college, I could basically do whatever, run in front of cars, get shot and I would be invincible until I achieved my goals.

We’re not bound by destiny and we’re not bound by some pre-birth set path that was mapped out on some scroll thousands of years ago miles from the location we live in. I want kids, its not some kind of destined event. I love kids, I want a family, it doesn’t make much a difference what others say.

In the same right, I have already made choices that are nonrefundable, that is to say that at some point I could have already made the choice that will ultimately lead to the goals I want. I made the choice to stay friends with Desiree, because at one point it seemed easier to just walk away from her, go back to seeing her here and there, never really talking or dwelling for too long. But I told myself that was wrong because more than ever I need all the friends I can get and she might need a friend someday too. And even if we don’t end up together I won’t regret that. Shit I don’t regret much.

I shocked Hannah on the back, said I was sorry, but I don’t regret it. People can say I wasted my money on a date, and flowers and gas that got me nothing. But I can tell them that first off, nothing you do for another person is wasted. It might not have got me what I wanted, but if it made her smile, for just one second that’s probably worth more than anything I ever wanted.

Second, it did get me something, maybe not a girlfriend, but it got me a good friend that I know I can trust to stand by me even when I’m probably weirding her out and acting like a total fuckwad. I don’t mind having her as a friend, she’s smart, sweet, funny and insightful. I can have a good long conversation with her, and I can laugh with her. It’s a nice thing to find, and its rare.

I could regret the things I’ve done, but where would it get me? Regret is like a worm, that just gnaws at your insides until you’re full of so much nothing that you eventually just become really indifferent. I don’t want to be indifferent, I want to care about something.

So what do I have to care about? What do I have to fight for? What do I really want it all to be about? Is it for the girl? Is it for the pursuit of happiness? Is it to expose dumb comments made by others? Is if you my children? My children’s children? Is it just for the hell of it? Is for entire paragraphs written in sentences that are questions?

Well all of the above are correct, but most of all I do it for what really matters. Well if you’ve been paying attention you’d already know this one. I do it because this is all that matters.

The Greatest Show On Earth

In an odd change of events, I had more time to sit and think about what was going on around me today. I was supposed to meet Allison for coffee at seven o' clock, I called her at seven AM, not knowing that she meant PM. After a very drowsy Allison explained to me the way that time worked, and that there was two sevens and there was one of them she was never up for, I fell asleep.

I woke up around, oh I'd say about eleven thirty, the sun was peaking through a crack in the blinds and I knew that it was time for me to start moving. I got out of the bed, and went straight to the computer to talk to Juliet and take a quiz in History.

The quiz turned out to be total crap, I sat there staring at the screen for what seemed like an eternity. I wondered about how I was every going to be able to do anything in my final exams. I just think I suck at tests. As I glared at the test Ricky called, he wanted to go to eat at the University Center. If I had a choice of where to go I would have been like, "Fuck that..." but you know, its hard to pick a place to go when you have no money, no car and no real need to get off school grounds.

I told him to wait up, there was the quiz I needed to take.

Well he showed up here, I forget the exact details, but stuff happened and we ran into Brandon, Eddie, Shana, Matt and this ctue girl that Shana knew. We spent most of the rest of the afternoon watching Linkin Park and Jay-Z. Evan was there for the first few moments of the DVD, but he hates rap and Linkin Park, so he quickly aborted the attempt to watch it.

Eddie really gets into the musical stuff, so he was really enjoying the DVD, thats the vibe I got off him when we were all watching it. Well somewhere in there, the things I wrote about Usher came up, well I have to say this, I still feel the same. And I will go as far as to say that even though Jay-Z and many other rappers talk about cheating they don't try to justify it...they just say stuff like yeah I did it because I did it. Not let me whine about it and maybe you'll take me back.

If the girl wants to take a guy back that's her business, it just takes a very strong woman to do that or a very weak one. But there's no good reason to cheat, so don't try to justify it.

Anyway, I think I've gone off on that tangent far too much. Allison and I never got to have the coffee, so I ended up at dinner just feeling a little weird, I was so quiet the whole time people kept askign what was going on and stuff. I don't particularly like getting that question, and yet I feel compelled to ask it sometimes. Its just one of those things you can say if there's nothing else you can say to a person. Like a conversaton opener when you already know there's a problem and in some cases know the nature of it.

On the way to dinner I had a very odd feeling, it was like running some kind of guantlet of people that I knew, I ran into Casey and Chanele, then Megan and Jamie, and then Desiree and Brent--all of them in pairs (well Brent walked up to me and Des when we were talking.) Its fun to know so many people, especially considering I couldn't claim to even have more than a hand full of friends that were men back home. Here I've got Evan, Eddie, Ricky, Brent and yes, even Brandon.

I have trouble being friends with guys because the second they make some heartless comment I'm on them like a fat kid on a donut. I go off when guys say something that I disagree with, like when I have to hear someone complain about something their girlfriend yelling at them for some shit they shouldn't have done. No you're right, she shouldn't have yelled at you, she should have stabbed you.

Well if I had a segment for cool things that happened I would have to say that one stands out in my mind, after dinner, we were supposed to watch Evangelion, but we had to go to the store first because...well snacks!

On the way back from the car to the dorm, Eddie made the comment that the table is like a circus and he's not part of it. I thought that it was cool and decided to elaborate on the idea, I mentioned that there was no ringmaster.

Then out of the blue Ricky, Eddie and Brent decide that I am the Ringmaster, don't ask how that works, I've never had charge of anything in my life. And I feel less than commanding considering how bad I seem to have it for this girl, and how I have undoubtly taken on more than I can chew.

I will say this much, I have the power to push Lauren's buttons effectively, and to exert force through threats of throwing food. Even if Lauren were to attack me like she does Evan so often, she wouldn't get much, because I can defend against any girl that sits at our table at any given time, or any girl that ever has. I know what their weak against....with the exception of two....Desiree, because she's basically my weakness, and Casey because she, like the Legendary Solid Snake, fights as if possessed by a devil.

To tell the truth, I don't want to be in charge...I mean who wants to be the Ringmaster of Bitchiling Brothers Three Table Circus? I know...not me. Well I have to get on. Need to try and get to bed, I actually feel tired now!

I'm out....

A Cold Day and The Hit On Usher

It’s really safe to say that I am feeling better, I got to talk to Desiree today and tell her what I think about things, what I think about her and I was completely honest. I really feel something for this girl and it will take me time to get over her if I do get over this. Its hard to move on from something that seems this right.

But I’m fine with her for now, we’re going to be friends because it means the world to me.

So now I have what I have waited for, the Linkin Park and Jay-Z CD, Collision Course. I love it, they match up so well. I also picked up Flogging Molly while I was at it. I feel a little better, these are the first CDs I’ve bought since being here.

Well as the title of this little venture would suggest its cold outside, and I mean the kind of cold where you are literally paralyzed to the point of immobility. I tough it out, because the cold is like my natural habitat, that’s who I am.

I’m satisfied with today, but I have a lot to do tomorrow, talk to Allison, write a paper, and just make sure I get some stuff done before the semesters out, then I have to start on Desi’s gift—a card, the chocolate and a portrait of her. I hope that my drawing skills are back enough, my gaming seems to be up to par, I handled some stuff on Smash Bros. Melee well, I mean I haven’t played the game since summer and I lost every match but one—but I have to get the feel for Peach back.

Anyway, I need to get all of this stuff squared away, I also need to apologize to Chanele because I pissed her off making fun of her being a vegetarian. I mean I didn’t think she’d react like she did. She’s one of my best friends, has been since I got here and I should respect her views more than I did there. I hope she’ll forgive me.

Well I didn’t originally plan this, but it has been on my mind a bit since yesterday when it came up. I’m sure most of the people who will read this (like all zero of them) will have heard of Usher, the silly little Rhythm and Blues slash pop star who prances around shirtless in his videos?

A while back he cheated on this woman he was dating, and to make matters worse he got the woman he cheated with pregnant. Well he wrote a song about it called Confessions. It’s one of those ‘I’m whining because I’m so sorry I cheated girl’. Well I say fuck him up his stupid ass. No one should ever cheat on someone they love, and if they don’t love that person than why are you there? Why bother? I mean I don’t get the fun in just having one person and then running around on them with another.

Of course the girl won’t take him back, and I say more power to her! But I know girls out there who are like, “He’s so sorry, he even got on his CD and recorded a song to apologize!”

I’m sorry, but he could have just told her in person and he’s not sorry, he’s sorry he got caught. His record producer probably heard about it too and was like “We should make a song about this, it will kill!”

People make the excuse that he has all of this money and that it tempts him to go after other women. I can say this, it would take a huge lapse in judgment for me to cheat on someone I loved, a lapse in judgment comparable to having my brain removed! I have a problem looking at other girls when I’m interested in one, it feels like cheating already.

Premarital sex, homosexuality, these things don’t bother me, but they bother a lot of people. And yet a lot of people that these things bother have no problem with adultery, it’s the only one of those things that really hurts a lot of people. I’m sure that it must feel good for the woman when her man runs off and cheats on her, she must feel so good about herself. That’s a real esteem booster.

I mean, if you attracted to someone else, then break up with the first person and go after them. But you have no right to string both women along. And to think that some people find it exciting to cheat because it feels invigorating. Oh yeah, its really cool whenever you hurt someone’s feelings behind their back, because you ‘love’ them and they trust you, but you just throw it right in their face.

That’s not love at all, that’s just trying to satisfy one’s own pleasures. And if I ever cheat on a girl, whether I’ve been dating her a day or married to her for 20 years, I hope I have the sense to put a gun to my head and blow my brains out, because any guy that would cheat, especially one that would try to capitalize on it or make money off it deserves to be beaten with a wrecking ball.

So I make this call, if you see Usher, shank him or something, he doesn’t deserve to live, someone’s got to say it. He’s just a pain and he just builds onto the stereotype that black guys are just cheating assholes. So I’m just saying take him out, he’s not worth the bullet so use something that has a common daily use that you have around the house like a baseball bat or a knife so you won’t have wasted your money.

Faint

Well I’m home again, that is to say in San Antonio Texas, I’ve been back since Sunday night. Not much has happened since then except for the fact that I know now that I am probably the most useless person on Earth, I feel like something that I can’t describe because my friends would want to take me to some kind of psychiatrist and I am too stubborn to want to go.

To tell the truth I think that I should get some kind of help, I have severe confidence issues. Usually what I make fun of someone for I could probably claim about myself, and if not, well then that just sucks for them. I like to make fun of myself, everything about myself, if you can’t laugh at yourself who can you laugh at. To tell the truth me that I let rise to the surface is a very controlled case of the chaotic mess that lies beneath the surface.

The thoughts I have in my head and what I let see the light of day are sometimes so conflicting that I feel I should just let them both out, right not I’m faced with one of those dilemmas that not only feeds off the energy of the current problem, but is also feeding off months of repressed thoughts and actions.

When I first got here my thoughts on what this place would be like were skewed to say the best. I expected to be able to force myself to become the man I want to be, someone who fears things but doesn’t have to let them come out and rule what he does.

I wanted to find someone, a girl that I could talk to, have nice fresh conversation with and never get bored of. I wanted a stable relationship, something I would work at to make as good as I could, to sustain as best I could. I thrive off stability—I think the fact that most of my thoughts are formed in such a chaotic way is part of what makes me who I am.

That chaos, like any force in nature, seeks a way to stabilize itself and it finds that certain things can come to the surface and be accepted with open arms. Most of those certain things are the truths I see around me. At the same time, what I let out, the truth of the things I see around me may come off as rude a lot of the time because the truth can hurt. But no one takes the painful truth seriously because they think of it is a joke.

Most of what I said, has nothing to do with what I really want to get to. I can think of so many things that I have done wrong trying to get a girl to like me, I can think of things that most girls would tell you never to do. I think the trials I’ve had to go through are part of what make me so sympathetic to women. That may not make sense when you first hear, but part of it is that I have so many women that I consider close friends.

I think so highly of most women when I first meet them that I seriously group them in a category above me and other men. Its only when they prove that, through actions, they aren’t worth the time I can say that they aren’t the people I once thought they were. Now I don’t have the space to name names, because that’s not what this is about. But what I have to say is that with most girls I have liked I slowly find things I do not like about them.

I start to realize that they have attributes I just would never have been able to get used to, never been able to like about them. This last time that has yet to happen. In fact I have come to like more and more when I find it out. It hurts to say I’ve come to the point that I don’t know what to do, whether of not I can manage to be around this girl without feeling like a failure for not having won her over.

I want to talk to her, I want to tell her all this, hell I’d let her read this if she wanted to read my mindless babble. It frightens me that my failure may destroy what I consider one of the best friendships I have been a part of since being here. But unlike a friendship I think about her in the strangest settings, its not like it happens constantly but I’ll just wonder what she’s doing, where she is, that kind of thing.

Holding all of this inside of me while having this friendship has, for lack of a better word, fucked me up. My mind is unclear and almost worthless at times, my wits aren’t as shop, I have started to stutter constantly, my game playing skills resemble that of lame ape and my writing and drawing skills have suffered to say the least. This one failure has disrupted the whole chain of things that make me who I am.

Not to say that I haven’t failed before, because I have numerous times. But I’ve never really reacted to it this adversely this soon. That is to say I’ve fallen for friends before, but it was usually someone that I had an instant attraction to, not someone I expected to just be friends with and then slowly noticed that I could see it being more.

I guess I can’t do much more than type this out and hope that I can talk to the girl someday, tell her that I really do just want us to be good friends because its important that I be around for her because I don’t believe in abandoning a good friend.

The First Time In A Long Time

Here I am again from the home computer typing up one of these things, I wish I was back at my dorm, with my keyboard and my computer. I built that thing and it feels like such a part of me now…

Other keyboards feel like some form of adultery when I type on them and I know that must sound weird but even now my fingers are feeling this keyboard out, trying to get the hang of what it is.

Yesterday was interesting to say the least, I rolled out of bed at about one o’ clock and I knew that I had to get out of this house as soon as I could. PJ wanted me to bring back his notebook he had left with me when he had come to San Antonio, so I went and got in the shower, got dressed and grabbed the notebook on my way out.

I headed to PJ’s as fast as I could expecting to only be there for a little bit of time, I had a comic I was working on the night before I wanted to finish. It was the remake of one of my classics, a comic by the name of Almost Never. If you’ve ever read Almost Never then you know that it is a work of genius that may never be achieved by the likes of my mind again. I’m redoing it because of the shabby artwork.

When I got to PJ’s we started to talk, and I was having so much fun that we kept talking and it seemed like before I realized the amount of time that had passed his mom was knocking on the door. I hadn’t seen his mom since like August so I decided to talk to her a while. Then Tiffany called me and asked when I was coming over. So I decided I should head over there because it had been too long since I had seen her.

I had to meet Tiffany at Casa Ole where she worked and that was fine with me, I got to meet a lot of the people that she worked with, one of the girls, the one that kept coming over and sitting and talking to Tiffany, was very pretty and seemed really sweet.

Tiffany ate while I sat there and she asked me about things and I told her about them and she told me about things that I asked her. It was fun to see her again but it just didn’t seem real because it hadn’t happened in so long, then there the thing with her and PJ. I told her that I honestly believe that she and PJ will be able to be friends again, I don’t know if she believes it, but Alexis says the same.

Who knows, maybe someday it’ll be like a Seinfeld type thing or something where we all still get along and can hang out. But that’s besides the point, I went back to Tiffany’s house with her and I talked to her lovely sister Jaime some, Tiffany talked for little intervals but she was getting tired. Jamie and I somehow ended up having a very tame political discussion, when Tiffany’s dad heard he had to come join in.

He’s really fun to talk to and when everyone has the same views political discussions are fun. But he had to do some work and Tiffany was starting to sleep so I decided to head home. It was only about nine. On the way home I stopped off at Justin Martin’s. He wasn’t back from work but I talked to his mom and dad for a while and then went to meet him when he got off work.

We hung out at IHOP and talked for about an hour, but there were no real highlights to that bit. He told me that he and his girlfriend were broken up which is really sad because she’s a sweet girl. But I guess that’s how things go.

Everything here has changed and despite what I’d like to think I know that going away has allowed me to stay mostly the same. Sure I don’t constantly play video games or write as much as I’d like to, but I’m still the same me. It seems like everyone else has changed. Sometimes it seems like change would be a good thing, like it would get me that girl of my dreams, but I know better than that because its not how things work out in the real world.

In the movies people make this miraculous change, in the real world it just back fires. Understand when I say real world I mean the real world we live in, not that trashy show on MTV. People confuse real life with something that never happens in real life. And people find that exciting when to me real life can be just as exciting as most movies.

Well I better get back to my real life, on a side not, its hurting to be away from school, I miss a lot of the people I hang out with. Namely one I seem to miss when she just goes back to her place. It seems Christmas break will be really hard.

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving usually turns out to be one of the most disappointing holidays of the year, but this year it was at least interesting. I didn’t have to do too much work because I got here after most of the work was done, it wasn’t really intentional but I’m glad it happened.

I was able to get some thinking, comic drawing and other things like that done today. Most of which I will have to wait until I get back to use. I think I’m going to discuss some more of the story with Ricky Monday to see what he thinks; he seemed pretty interested in the whole thing.

I’m hoping to get feedback from him and Desiree this coming week because I gave them both stories to read, I gave her the story that deals with things that are a little more normal. The story I gave to Ricky deals with vampires and things like that, that’s what the first few stories were about so its easy to come up with one of those.

Well while I’m here in town and stuff I’d like to see Tiffany, Alexis, and maybe a few other people. I guess it would be easier if my dad was going to be here with his car after tomorrow, but I’ll have to make due somehow.

If all of this doesn’t make sense to those of you reading this mess on Blogger its because I wrote it before hand and had to transfer it over—so sorry about that. If I get a chance to see Alexis I’m going to show her how to make a xanga account because she showed some interest in it the other day. It’ll be nice to see her since I haven’t since I left here.

I really want to see Kinsey because out of all my really close friends I haven’t seen her in the longest. Its been since May! I really miss Kinsey, she’s like a little sister to me and I’d really just like to talk to her and stuff. Well I better get off of this thing, its really hard to type on this shitty e-machine keyboard. Catch you on the Flipside.

Change

Classes were canceled because of the rain today and it may seem like that is a blessing, but because of that very fact I was not able to see Desiree—she was busy all day and I really look forward to seeing her on Monday and Wednesday. I guess I’ll survive.

But that’s not the really important thing that’s going on right now, even more impressive than that is the fact that I have decided that I will no longer do the crossover story that I had once planned, instead I will do a straight up story about my characters. Crossovers are just too hard to manage for one thing, and I realize that its not really necessary to make the story good.

Another thing is I want the story to have several characters working together in it, and I think that to make this work I need to relieve some of the stress on the environment of the characters. By not crossing this story with Angel I am able to do this much more easily.

There are still a few details that I need to get down and work out, but they are all minor things that a little bit of creativity will go a long way towards solving. I think that overall this improves the quality of the story and makes it more fun to write.

I got a chance to watch a movie that Ricky helped his friend work on tonight and I have to say that I am impressed, I’m going to have Ricky look over my story to see if there’s anything that I can change. He’s got so many original ideas that I’d just like to get some input and feedback. It’s nice to have that.

Lessons My Games Taught Me

Alright, for all of you people out there who think that video games never taught us anything then you're about to be in shock from what I'm telling you, video games have taught us to be safe. I mean just look at Grand Theft Auto for good examples. I can come up with ten simple rules that the game has taught us.

1. If you car is flipped over, do not go near it, within about fifteen seconds it will explode. For a tank this will take longer.

2. People dressed alike standing around in groups are always in a gang, avoid them at all costs.

3. If any part of you above the waist touches water you will drown.

4. Buildings cannot be burned down, fires are just a myth--the fire department is a front.

5. Getting hit by car will not hurt you, as long as the car doesn't stay parked on top of you.

6. People in Green shirts steal cars, avoid them.

7. If you feel that you are being followed take a look around, weapons can be found in some of the oddest places and they will usually float and rotate, these weapons are always loaded.

8. When someone catches fire, avoid them, they can cause you to catch fire just by coming too near you.

9. Do not drive your stolen mafia car down mafia controlled streets. It's just not smart.

10. When you feel that there is a wreck coming on, jump out of your car, this will cause damage to be minimal.

Now, just in case you are wondering, I did write these, but its just off the top of my head. So yeah, lol.

A Growing Problem

Yeah its been really strange the last few days. I've been back to Houston to get John and PJ and then come back here with them to hang out some. We hung out with Chanele and Casey last night and some of their others friends, had a lot of fun. We didn’t get to bed until like 4:30 or 5:00 AM, I really can’t remember.

I’ve been having a good time, and things are exciting and all but the truth is that I feel pretty bad about something still and I’ve been trying my best to ignore it. I know I shouldn’t feel like I do anymore and I defiantly shouldn’t give thought to any of those feelings. I’ve known for a while and still know that I like Desi. It hurts inside because she’s like one of my good friends here, and it really frustrates me that I think of her that way. She has to still know it, the protectiveness is there, the worry when she does anything even remotely dangerous. Even how I drive when she’s in the car.

I hung out with her today, she, John, PJ and I went to see National Treasure and then went to the mall and had dinner. It was a really fun day, but in the back of my mind I kept going back to the same thought. Nothing seems to be able to change that. And I feel like shit for thinking about her that way, we’re supposed to be friends and if that’s all we were ever meant to be then why can’t I shake this.