Faint

Well I’m home again, that is to say in San Antonio Texas, I’ve been back since Sunday night. Not much has happened since then except for the fact that I know now that I am probably the most useless person on Earth, I feel like something that I can’t describe because my friends would want to take me to some kind of psychiatrist and I am too stubborn to want to go.

To tell the truth I think that I should get some kind of help, I have severe confidence issues. Usually what I make fun of someone for I could probably claim about myself, and if not, well then that just sucks for them. I like to make fun of myself, everything about myself, if you can’t laugh at yourself who can you laugh at. To tell the truth me that I let rise to the surface is a very controlled case of the chaotic mess that lies beneath the surface.

The thoughts I have in my head and what I let see the light of day are sometimes so conflicting that I feel I should just let them both out, right not I’m faced with one of those dilemmas that not only feeds off the energy of the current problem, but is also feeding off months of repressed thoughts and actions.

When I first got here my thoughts on what this place would be like were skewed to say the best. I expected to be able to force myself to become the man I want to be, someone who fears things but doesn’t have to let them come out and rule what he does.

I wanted to find someone, a girl that I could talk to, have nice fresh conversation with and never get bored of. I wanted a stable relationship, something I would work at to make as good as I could, to sustain as best I could. I thrive off stability—I think the fact that most of my thoughts are formed in such a chaotic way is part of what makes me who I am.

That chaos, like any force in nature, seeks a way to stabilize itself and it finds that certain things can come to the surface and be accepted with open arms. Most of those certain things are the truths I see around me. At the same time, what I let out, the truth of the things I see around me may come off as rude a lot of the time because the truth can hurt. But no one takes the painful truth seriously because they think of it is a joke.

Most of what I said, has nothing to do with what I really want to get to. I can think of so many things that I have done wrong trying to get a girl to like me, I can think of things that most girls would tell you never to do. I think the trials I’ve had to go through are part of what make me so sympathetic to women. That may not make sense when you first hear, but part of it is that I have so many women that I consider close friends.

I think so highly of most women when I first meet them that I seriously group them in a category above me and other men. Its only when they prove that, through actions, they aren’t worth the time I can say that they aren’t the people I once thought they were. Now I don’t have the space to name names, because that’s not what this is about. But what I have to say is that with most girls I have liked I slowly find things I do not like about them.

I start to realize that they have attributes I just would never have been able to get used to, never been able to like about them. This last time that has yet to happen. In fact I have come to like more and more when I find it out. It hurts to say I’ve come to the point that I don’t know what to do, whether of not I can manage to be around this girl without feeling like a failure for not having won her over.

I want to talk to her, I want to tell her all this, hell I’d let her read this if she wanted to read my mindless babble. It frightens me that my failure may destroy what I consider one of the best friendships I have been a part of since being here. But unlike a friendship I think about her in the strangest settings, its not like it happens constantly but I’ll just wonder what she’s doing, where she is, that kind of thing.

Holding all of this inside of me while having this friendship has, for lack of a better word, fucked me up. My mind is unclear and almost worthless at times, my wits aren’t as shop, I have started to stutter constantly, my game playing skills resemble that of lame ape and my writing and drawing skills have suffered to say the least. This one failure has disrupted the whole chain of things that make me who I am.

Not to say that I haven’t failed before, because I have numerous times. But I’ve never really reacted to it this adversely this soon. That is to say I’ve fallen for friends before, but it was usually someone that I had an instant attraction to, not someone I expected to just be friends with and then slowly noticed that I could see it being more.

I guess I can’t do much more than type this out and hope that I can talk to the girl someday, tell her that I really do just want us to be good friends because its important that I be around for her because I don’t believe in abandoning a good friend.