Deep Down

Needless to say I haven't been having a good week, and it looks like things are going to get worse before they get better. It would appear that in spit of everything I do, nothing I tell my parents is the truth. I get called a liar and told I'm full of shit. I can't even get out the words about the worst part of things, because I just don't know what to say when they call me a liar for saying I'm depressed.

Its hard for me to even admit that I might be depressed, let alone tell another person I think I am. When I first asked Kay about it my heart skipped a beat. I just wanted her to call me goofy and lame and tell me it was just stress and it would pass. But deep down I knew she wouldn't.

I talked to Emily a little about the subject too, this was earlier tonight around the time that i decided to call the office tomorrow and schedule some kind of appointment I don't know what goes on and I don't know if there's anything I can really. I mean I knew it was bad when I threw up earlier, I hate to throw up, I think everyone does but something just made me that sick.

Right now I don't even think I'm capable of even functioning right, I mean the other day someone told me they loved me, in a friendly way I think, and I can't even say it back, I can't even try because when I think about it I just figure I don't deserve to be loved. And I know that's not right. Everyone deserves to have someone love them, why can't I just say it.

I feel pretty bad for some of the conversations I've had over the last few days, Allison got pretty mad I think because all I could do was whine, I did the same with Kay and she told me to go have a cigarette and chill the hell out, it acutally worked and I came back pretty level headed.

That was when I decided to see when the school offices for conseling were open, they have this little test to see if your depressed, its just a click the bubble thing and it didn't give me and answer. But one of the bubbles I clicked brought up this warning so I think that means I should head up there tomorrow.

I ended up getting a bad grade in my second class and my parents were pissed about it, so as a punishment their taking away my car. Which means I won't be able to do half the things I wanted to, like get a job so that I can actually have enough money to live comfortably.

I've been talking to Twinks about this too and she seems to have some experince in these areas. So it seems like I have a good amount of friends to talk to about things. One thing I have to say is that I really want to listen to my kids when I have them. I don't want ignore them and make them think they can't trust me. That goes above all of that stuff I was saying the other night about having kids.

Well, I guess now I'll go, I'm talking to people.