I'm Back

I’m a nice guy.

I’ve been and down on what to do about my new attitude, I’ve been more scared of myself because I seem to be inactive at times when I usually would have said or done something. I’ve been massive amounts of crap off people lately, and tonight—all of that ended.

I can’t say that I instigated it, I was just playing around with a friend, joking with her about some food she had left in another friend’s fridge. Then, someone else jumped in—the same person, who had talked bad about Jamie, talked bad about me behind my back and just utterly annoyed some other people I really care about.

He didn’t just jump into the conversation; he raised his voice and cursed at me. I didn’t lose it. I just told him straight up, “If you raise you’re goddamn voice at me, I’ll bounce your ass out that window.”

…

….

I’m a nice guy, but I can only take so much before I really start to get mad. And I stopped myself from saying more. He, in turn, left. And I resumed normal conversation about a different subject. There is one person I know who can yell at me like that, if they ever had, curse and raise their voice at me about something that doesn’t involve them, and I would be forced to say nothing.

Guess what?

You ain’t her buddy…

I wasn’t even angry, I mean really angry. I have to say that there will be repercussions from this, there will be talk within the group, there will be people asking Rickey “Has Justin gone fucking mad?”

No, Justin had a bad day, Justin’s worried about a friend, Justin is sick, Justin is having trouble with school—Justin is not in a mood to be fucked with. Just to give you guys an idea, I woke up this morning, and the first thing I did was throw up! Oh that’s it, the best part of waking up is throwing up in a toilet bowl! Yay.

Then I just felt generally bad, I just miss some things, I miss old times. I miss people. I miss a lot of stuff. It’s sad to just sit around sick and have to think about the stuff you wish that you could do. But I tried to pull myself out of it, I showered I got dressed.

I can’t say things were great, but they got a little better. Then I start to think that maybe Desiree’s not calling me back because I did something wrong, I’m always doing the wrong thing, so its not like this is my first fuck up, I’m full of them. I mean I think I cause like half her problems. So then I’m worrying about that.

Even at that point, I’m not mean, I’m not kicking babies or gut checking old ladies, but when you raise your voice at me after you’ve been giving infinite fucking chances to just act like a civilized person; I might feel prompted to say something back.

I’m a nice guy but no one likes being walked all over, no one likes someone sticking their nose in shit that isn’t any of their business, especially when you know that they aren’t doing it for anyone’s well being; when they’re just out to give their own self-image a spit shine.

I can’t say that I’ll be mean tomorrow, if I run into him. In fact I hope I won’t, because I bounce back fast normally and I’m usually nice until you do something else. But that was just a warning. I’d rather have someone out and out tell me that they don’t like me, than wait until the chips are down and have them walk away from me. I know who my real friends are and I care about them for it, I’ll be there for them always.