Well I’ve gone and gotten sick, that just shows that we keep it too could in this place. I woke up this morning so sore, with the master of head aches and an aching throat. I just stared at the ceiling and thought, ‘there is no way I’m going to class’. And the next thing I know I felt like I needed to throw up, needless to say not the best time I’ve had here.
It surprisingly beats out most of last week. I can’t believe how happy I was to be back, last night I saw Rickey, John, Brenton and Nicole; it seemed like all I could think about while I was gone was how much I missed some people. The only people I could even bring myself to call were Rickey and Jamie.
I really want to see some people this week, mostly Jamie, Desiree and Mandi—hell I haven’t seen Mandi in about three weeks. She’s really fun to hang out with. Well all of the people I call friends are.
Last night I got to hang out with Rickey and John, we all went to Jim’s—well ‘all’ meaning the three of us. We sat there at the same table that I sat at with Rickey and a large group of friends last week and we talked about the things going on around us. Rickey and I had a lot to say. I’m glad to say that I have a friend that’s so straightforward, someone that I know if they ask me something I can tell the truth to and they’ll do the same to me, if its my business. It’s funny though, because that same quality makes other people harder for me to trust, I mean this is the first time I’ve found another male willing to be truthful about things. Most guys I know try to criticize the way I am or the way I think without really hearing me out.
Like me and my uncle, we’re so far from each other. His views on women are basically that if there’s no body, why even put up with her? He basically tried to get me to talk to this girl at the Macaroni Grill last week, she was pretty. But she looked like one of those high-maintenance girls. She had on the globs of makeup, tight hip hugger jeans and over all the outfit she had on probably cost somewhere well above the century mark.
Not that I want to say its good to judge people just on appearances or anything like that, but it just kind of seems like over kill. Its more attractive when girl knows she’s pretty and just doesn’t seem to acknowledge it. I don’t really like makeup, its alright when a girl’s wearing a bit of it. But when there’s so much that you can’t tell the original skin color, there’s a problem.
My uncle thought I was being mean, I wasn’t. I was just trying to avoid a strange situation. I’m not completely comfortable around girls that I’m attracted to. I’m good enough to talk to them and interact with them, but when we’re in large groups I have a problem. I guess it might have something to do with some of the people in that group and how much they piss me off and me having to be right there with them.
I’ve gotten to the point that I can’t finish my food sometimes, it just like I get somewhere hungry and my appetite leaves. Not that I have much of an appetite these days. Things like that make me just see how much of a coward I can be. I wonder how much courage I could actually have in a real crucial situation? I wonder if I would be able to do anything brave of noble?
It worries me that I wouldn’t be able to. I would like to think that in a life or death, do or die type thing, I could do something noble, but it wouldn’t really be noble on my part. It would be that thing I do, you know the one where I do something that if I thought it out might sound like a bad choice, but that’s alright, I don’t think too often.
I can just tell that I’m over do for one of those moments; I haven’t done anything that was really good like that in a while. And I doubt it will be anything like saving someone’s life. It might just be telling someone the right thing at the right time.
You can’t really measure that kind of thing on a universal scale, you just have to take it on a case to case basis. I mean I’ve never done anything like what my brother used to do, rushing into a burning building to save people. But I have done other things and I think I will do something like that again. I hope I do it makes me feel better, like there’s hope for something.
I need something to feel good about, I’m actually starting to believe that I might be depressed. Hmm, I guess depression’s just a sarcastic state of mind.
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