Release

This is how I feel today, I feel like someone kicked me in the chest, I don't know why. But I came home last night fine. I came home and I just got to the computer, I was talking to PJ and Crystal, then suddenly it felt like someone had drained all of the energy in my body. Mostp eople will just say eat something or get some sleep. I did those things and now my diaphram hurts. Like I can feel it moving slowly. It's painful and I know that ther's some cause. Maybe it was being out last night during the cold weather coming in, maybe it was something else, maybe it was the short sleep I got the other day. Either way the cause doesn't matter. I feel like I got beat up real bad by someone who likes to give only body hits.

So I don't know if I can do this anymore, after this December I don't know if I will be here anymore, namely because I don't think I can make it in college. I am going to keep trying, but I don't know what else I can say. I'm bad with my time management, I'm bad with timing, shit, I am bad with anything to do with time. I'm mentally exhausted, I'm physically exhausted and I never have been much for trying. Trying anything has always rubbed me the wrong way, I can't say that its a good thing about me, I'm stubborn at times. Ask my parents, they can tell you.

Inside, there I are things I know need to be done, need to be said, need to be taken care of like nowish, before this week ends. Why am I so scared to start on doing them all? How the Hell am I stressed out before I even get to the stressful part, how is this happening? On top of all this school stuff going on, I miss my friends at home. Well mostly I miss PJ, John and my brother (my brother and his family really).Shit, I miss some of my friends here, Heather I haven't seen in a month, Persephanie longer than that. They're both so great to have around and just to hang out with, then there is people like Tarin, whom I saw last night, but it was the first time in a long time. Next to that I have the fact that I like a girl, generally like her for who she is. But I just wish I knew more about her, and I don't feel like she's ever going to open up just because of things that have happened in the past.

So to anyone who has ever gotten onto me about male bashing can kiss my ass, and fuck men that pull shit like this. I am tired, fucking sick and tired of every friend I have telling me how some guy this, that and the other thing and tried only to use them and stuff. I am tired of watching guys try to use girls. So you want to know why I fucking hate most guys, this is exactly why.

And people ask why I'm so synical all of the time, its because the only way you can smile in this world half of the time is to make fun of it, there's no other safe guard you have against terrorists, war, sexism, cheating, racism and people just generally being assholes. So I'm going to try something new now, it might not be the best approach for me, but I might just try staying quieter. I'm just going to shut the fuck up for a while, because that seems to be the only thing that makes sense to me. I'm going to try at school, but I can't make guarentees. I'm going to see Heather today, and I'm going to go home when I can and see my friends there. And as for that girl, I'm just going to be nice and let things go where they will, because that's all I can do. This is really the first time I've been in a position like this. oh and more blogs, expect to see more blogs, I am going to start doing more of them, just to keep records of things.

Well right now I need to get up from here, I need to go to the store and get some stuff, I need to drink some water because my whole pain thing is acting up again. I wish I had some pain medicine or something, all I have is these shitty vitamins my mom brought me, those won't make a damn bit of difference I know. But I will be back later today. I might even write something.