That's My Limit

I don't like to think about the future a lot, I really think that growing up is something that is hard to do, being this person that everyone expects of you, its hard to make time for what you really think you should be. It makes me sad, it hurts on the inside when I think about the fact that I don't feel twenty. I don't feel like I am at the end of my youth and that I'm an adult. In my mind I am the same kid in Junior High who liked to make silly jokes with his friends, cursed far too much and just liked good company.

I'm in college, but I don't feel smart enough to be here, or even to be at the level I am at. People assure me that I am intelligent, but I don't see it. My mind feels like it has to struggle, its hard to pay attention and I don't know what to say besides the fact that I want to be here, I like to hear I am smart from others, but I don't feel it. In truth I don't know what to say I feel. There are so many confusing things, so many times that I think that I have an answer and that's when something else comes up. Something totally unexpected.

That's what happens in the back of my mind, that's what I feel when I look unsure or when I quiet down for a moment. People ask are you okay? Is this okay? I don't feel accepted or right, I don't feel like I belong and even when I had started to think I belonged in something, it soon showed itself not to be true.

So the point in all of this, I think that I've reached my limit. I sometimes feel like I have gone as far as I can go, what do you say to that, what do you say to a person who feels like this. I want to know not so I can shoot it down and tell the one who says it that its crap. But so that I can have some solace, some comfort and know that this is not as far as I can go. I know that just telling me I am smart isn't enough, I don't feel smart, I don't think I am smart. What else is there to say?