I don’t know what I’m going to do now, today seems almost like a waste, I sat around a lot. I just generally didn’t do anything, and I finally got out tonight to go to dinner and then I went to see Mandi. I really enjoy hanging out with Mandi, it’s refreshing to be around someone who is so cheerful, even when it seems she might not be happy. It makes me smile some.
Mandi has been a good friend and if she ever reads this, I want to thank her for that. Tonight we sat and talked and she really listened to me, I had a lot to say and she just sat and listened. I guess that’s why I’m so surprised by friends I have that are like Mandi, Desiree and Rickey, because they listen so well.
I really haven’t mentioned the last post to many people, it was depressing I know, but I haven’t been truthful about how I feel. Sometimes it seems to me like things aren’t even going right in other people’s hearts and minds, its like no matter how happy they think they are, they really aren’t truly happy.
I wonder if we even know what happy feels like sometimes, I mean I know I feel good sometimes, and sometimes I feel better than others. But how do we know this is what happy truly is, after all its just a word that we humans made up, but I think that there is something there that God meant for us to feel, something stronger than this, something even stronger than love.
Love can do a lot of things, people always say that it can move mountains, well we all know that’s not true—no one can just move mountains. But love can do a lot of things, love can do more than any other emotion, because it encompasses almost all emotions.
But what if happiness, true happiness is stronger than even love, what if true happiness can only be found by going through and above love? Isn’t that something worth striving for, even in a world that seems like it really might be Hell?
Needless to say, I’ve had too much time to myself, my brain has been running in overdrive for the past few days straight. I need to go to class Monday and just not think about any of this. I wonder if I should show this blog to Mandi, I showed it to Brandon, Rickey, Ruth and Desiree, I’d like my good friends to know what’s going on in my mind, I’d like them to see how I really think—I’d like them to know how I feel about them.
Alright, anyways I really want to get some stuff done in the normal tradition of the blog, but nothing happened today that really interested me. I talked to my parents some, I asked my dad to send me some more of the cards for me to take care of my school payment.
He and mom said that they would, I sure hope they hurry up and do it before my classes get dropped. I couldn’t stand to be away from this place, I like it here, even though I’ve had a lot of problems here.
The other day, it was brought to my attention that some of my friends might have been trying to avoid me, I really got all worried about it at first. They did things such as ignore me knocking on the door.
I realize now that I can’t do anything to make them like me, nor do I really want to. If they want to travel in a tight little group then I don’t really have any effect over it. I have enough problems without having to make more for myself by worrying over people who don’t like me.
That’s exactly what I learned when I was hanging around that Maddox Mania forum, those people really have no lives or realistic goals for the most parts. And all they really care about is bitching about stuff on the internet and making fun of others. They aren’t anyone I should be worried about so I don’t worry about them.
Besides I seem to be making new friends each day, I mean I can just think of how Alicia brought Debra around; Desiree brought Jamie and introduced her to us; and Mandi introduced me to her friends Jenny and Gabe. It all works out so that I meet new and exciting people, people that are actually willing to be my friends.
And while it may be true that our souls were made with an almost fatal flaw, that people can never really be as close to each other as they were meant to, we all still need to have friends. Friends are where our perception of us comes from, without friends who would there be to view you other than yourself? There’s a part of us that exists within everyone we know, that part is shaped by how they see us. How they see us and react in turn shapes how we act back and how we are perceived inside of ourselves.
So in reality, people are like mirrors, they show us for what we truly are through their reactions. How we act is usually just an outward expression of the inner-self, the prettiest people can act so ugly (and vice versa). We need friends to help us experience things and be there with us, so that when something shapes us it does so in a good way and its reflected off them and back onto us. That’s how this all has to play out.
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