Today is one of those days that you really don’t to be what you expect it to be, it’s the kind of day that if you were to go back and write a book about you’re life you would need to include a lot of details about it.
This was probably a turning point for me, it was probably something that I should remember for a long time to come, so I don’t just slip back into old ways. That’s just what makes a day like today so special, there’s so many things occurring at once and without you knowing it you really make a breakthrough.
Has anyone ever got one of those bullshit emails that talks about how there’s like five people in the world that really care about you and dismissed it as just that, a crock of bullshit?
Well I found out that I really do have friends that care, and it made me feel a little better, even if it did make me worry that they were worried over me so much. But you know what, I’m getting so ahead of myself—let me go back to where this all started and try to keep it short before I go off on some outlandish tangent that makes absolutely no sense.
I woke up later than I had wanted to, I rolled out of the bed and headed to English, I basically spent the rest of the day stumbling through classes. The world seemed to pass by at a million miles per hour, and I seemed to miss it all. I don’t know why, I guess in my mind I’m so oblivious.
When I got to the dorm I spent the afternoon sitting in my chair with Angel playing in the background as I set out on a quest to move all of the entries from my old live journal over to my blogger account. I was proud when I finally got it done, I felt like I had done something great, there’s a pretty detailed account of the last seven or eight months for me now. I wish I had something from June.
I realized reading those how long ago all of that stuff seems, its like an eternity, its so far past. And yet I remember some of them like it was yesterday. I look over the words and they feel so familiar and wonderful and for a second I thought back to times when I was happier and wondered what changed between then and now?
What happened to me to change my outlook on the world? In my mind the sky isn’t quite as blue, the world’s just a little darker and things just seem a little worse off. Then something incredible happened, this day turned into one of those days that seemed so much better. I went to dinner, but it was just me, Brandon, Debra, Lauren, Alicia and Hannah. We laughed and talked—just like we had in September, all of the drama from the end of last semester seemed lost, I even went back to their place and hung out for a few hours.
Then I left, I was headed home and caught Rickey outside, he invited me in and Nicole and Brenton were inside and after playing around with Nerf guns a bit; Rickey informed me that Desiree and Jamie had come by asking about if I was feeling alright. My first suspicion was that they read one of the entries in this piece of shit…
I was wrong, apparently I’ve been acting so differently, more quiet and easily annoyed or something. I called Desiree to ask her about it, just like I told her that I would when anything came up. And she and I talked about it a bit. She called me back again later and we talked some more.
To tell the truth, I can’t really retell all of the details of the second conversation, there was a lot of us repeating ourselves and it seemed like I said the same phrases over and over. I hate to have people worry about me, of course then she pointed out how much I worry over her and some of my other friends, which I couldn’t deny because then I would just be lying, another thing I promised myself I would never do to her.
Then I did something I haven’t done in a while, I sat there and I told her that as long as she was happy I would be fine and that she should just make herself happy. Because that’s all that really matters. That’s how I feel really, I just like seeing her smile because that means a lot to me.
Needless to say, I was still at Rickey’s and I had to go in his room to talk to her. Probably the first time I had ever done that over there. I didn’t want any distractions and I didn’t want her to think I was not paying her attention. She had scared me with the first call by saying what she had to say could be taken the wrong way and could be a bad thing. It wasn’t bad at all, it was good if it was anything.
We were truthful with each other and I like the truth, I like knowing the truth and I like learning about her. I would also like to think we know where we both stand a little better, she knows I care about her now and I know she cares about me. But I did tell her that I like to figure things out alone, I like to work out things on my own. I don’t like too much outside help and that if I really have a problem I can’t handle, I will come to her or Rickey.
I trust her enough to tell her almost anything that I would tell anyone else, I say almost because there are some things pertaining to her (nothing bad) that I just don’t feel comfortable telling her. I’m not the most comfortable person in the world, so sue me. I’m getting better, I’m trying—I’m working on not being a pansy and having the courage to face up to everything while also keeping someone who’s a really good friend.
I was kind of upset that she and Jamie were so worried about me, but then I was proud to have found friends like them, and the fact that they knew to go to Rickey to ask him if anything was wrong. That was smart, but its not like I thought they were dumb, their both really smart and clever girls, probably more so than yours truly.
I feel bad for putting Des through this hell, like I’m actually doing more hurt than good by being around her. Sometimes I think she’d be better off if she didn’t have to put up with my shit. But then again, she must like having me around and she cares for me and her other friends, just like I care for my friends, which is something that’s hard to find in this world—and just like she said, we could all use someone to care for us from time to time.
Remember a few months back I wrote about something of value? Well I found it in the friends I have here.
No comments:
Post a Comment