My Scene

I hope that I owe this to myself, I want to see this come to a happy ending, I want to see this all turn out well and I want to be able to look at something and think that For once I did this the right way. How hard is it for you to follow your feelings? How much does it take for you to look around and tell someone on the phone that you can't say that because others are around? Whatever it was that you weren't saying, was it sexual...or was it something caring, something really deep. People think that just because something is sexual it is deep, private or intimate. But with the way things are today, its not the truth.

We move through life by sloppily painted caricatures of intimacy that tug at us and ask us to do this or that. When do things get real? When do things really start to take effect and to happen? Complaining is a waste of time, so many of the things I do are a waste of time, and so are many of the things that people do. I had a thought today, I had this cross my mind that I spend so much time doing things that let me have nothing to show for it.

I might have felt something when back when I did these things when I was younger, but now winning a video game doesn't make me happy, most times when I play games I find I'm not even having fun. Story driven games are different, I love them because its like an interactive novel, you gain an understanding for the characters and their situations, I will always play those games like Metal Gear and Final Fantasy.

But what the hell is going on when I can look at what I am doing and say that I should be writing right now or there's better things that I could do. I used to talk about getting a girlfriend and how so many guys I know that play games ignore their girls. I'm not going to be like that, I hope I never will, I can't put games over people that I care about. I mean I proved to myself that if I know what is important to me that I can do it.

Today I went to Church, sure I could have just told Brandon that I wanted to go eat with CJ or something and that I couldn't make it, but I didn't because I knew what was important. I know that classes are important, that there are people who are important to me and I know how I should act accordingly. Somewhere I realized that I don't want to play games so much anymore, I will still hang out with my friends but I will be writing or drawing. I have so much more to offer as far as those things go.

I feel like something is wrong, like I am missing out and I know that I used to never play games really, in high school there was the ocasional story game and that was it. But here there are people to play with and high speed internet, who could resist? I do like to play them sometimes, and I still will, but I just don't want to waste entire Saturdays playing Smash Brothers anymore and I don't want to miss class because I am in the Roost playing.

Plus there's someone I want to give more time to if I get the chance, I don't want to waste all of the time I have to talk to this person or hang out with them because I am playing games. I want to be a better person for that reason, I want to get to a place where I am better with who I am and what I do, I am better at what I do! Anyone who knows me knows that I hate most of the things I do, and hate how I do most things. I'm not happy with mosr of the things I'm stuck with from day to day. I feel bad about how things have ended with friends, and I feel like I am ignored a lot of the time or just treated a certain way because no one thinks I care.

I don't want this anymore, I'm moving on from this place...its like a fade out, a scene change. Nothing will be the same hence forth...