Confusion and frustrated

You know I had such a nice talk with Neemo's girlfriend earlier, she's a really cool person and I really enjoy talking to her. But when I come home I feel like there's nothing here for me to do to have fun, that's why I went out, I need to be out of here. I can't stay pent up in this place like this for so long, nothing here entertains me anymore, the most fun I had all week was when I hung out with Rickey watching Scrubs. And I mean that was entertaining at best, I've spent this week bored as hell.

I feel like something is wrong, and I don't know what it is, I'm hurting and it really is starting to get to me, I don't know what it is anymore, I take my medicine and I try to do things good day by day, I even try and be good I try and do right when I can and I know that I don't always do what I am supposed to.

I'm depressed, I know it, I know I was diagnosed with it. But if I screw up this year the school won't give me another chance, if I could just be the person I was at the start of last year. If I could just make up all of the things that I have done wrong. What the hell am I supposed to be? Who the hell am I now and where is what used to make me who I was. I used to think of myself as a writer, now I don't know what to think, I feel like I can't write anymore, I feel like sometimes I might not even be cut out for any of the things I used to do.

I don't want to be this way, I don't even know who the hell I am!. I got a card from my mom in the mail, its this thing my mom does, she sends this little cards when they send me money, most of the time they are goofy. But I always read them, always. When I read the one that she sent me this time I just couldn't believe it. I felt bad just because I read it. Do you know what the card said?

I may not completely understasnd all you're going throguh, Justin, but I want you to know I do understand a little, and I care alot. Mom

She made the card herself on the computer, I can tell because she fucked up the linebreaks and no store bought card would have that. But I feel really bad. I feel like I have been going to thearpy and not doing a thing like I should. I feel like I have so much that I want out of life that I am scared to go after. There's a girl I can't get out of my mind right now, and I am so scared to even talk to her, there are friends I want to tell how much they mean to me and all I can think of is the things that have gone wrong in the past month, there are things I want to tell my parents and I can't, I just can't do it. I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to, I don't feel like I have anything except God and I don't know what to do with the little that I do have.

I want out of this life and out of all of this because this is so painful, I feel like I want to throw up and cry all at the same time. I can't keep this up, I can't keep living like this and I can't look at myself in the mirror anymore. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be like this.